Back in May I joined in a great group of ladies to write on The Charlotte Moms which is a local blog where we talk about anything from fun family events to awesome shopping deals to healthy lifestyles. My little spot is Home & Family, where I cover lots of topics too! I’ve done some DIY projects, storage solutions, and talked about local birth options (and birth in general, even if you aren’t local). But today’s post I felt like it was something I would normally post here on O Momma Writes since it bears my struggling-at-times Momma soul, so thought I’d share. And while you’re there, check out the other great writers. You don’t have to live in the Charlotte area to enjoy our posts!

A Real Mom Moment: The Attitude Switch

So often I doubt myself as a Mom, like I’m not doing enough…not trying hard enough.

To control my temper and instead respond to Savannah with a gentle answer.

She watches too much TV.

Doesn’t eat enough fruits and veggies and instead eats too many sweets.

I forget to start our day in prayer, or even give thanks before our meals.

I don’t discipline her consistently.

I don’t make the time to just sit and play with her each day.

I don’t make the effort to do crafts with her (not that that is a mom requirement! But we both love crafts, WHY don’t I do more with her?)

I don’t spend time in the Bible with her each day.

But then, there are moments that make me realize I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do, like this one today. In the car she had me turn off the radio and paused her DVD player (again with the too much TV!) so she could excitedly say:

“Mom! Last night I had a really bad dream that a lobster came alive and was trying to snap me! But then, I prayed to Jesus and He gave me a good dream.”

Sure, I may not pray before meals, but we say a heartfelt prayer before bed each night, dishing out our worries and thanks to God (praying for a gentle answer, patience, joy, and love between us is a common prayer!) .  When she wakes up with a bad dream I always say a prayer with her for comfort. We talk about God throughout our days, because ultimately life around us always points back to Him. I make it a priority (now) to get our family to church when we can. That’s something.

And really, isn’t that what this motherhood journey is about? For me, the fact that Savannah’s heart is fill with God’s love is top priority. Who cares how many crafts we do or if the food she eats is organic if she knows God. If she can truly know God personally from an early age, and see God in me, the rest will outflow. I find comfort knowing that she is soaking up good things even if I don’t feel qualified at times due to my own sinful, selfish words and actions. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life…

….but sometimes I need to look past all the I don’ts and open my eyes to the I do’s.

Those doubts aren’t from God, quite the opposite.

I am good enough.

So are you.

I myself do not have allergies that I know of, but for the sake of Jaxson and his apparent reactions to certain foods I eat transmitted through my milk, I chose to change my diet. It’s been 5 months now since his rashes started appearing and  the frustrations of “What the heck is causing this?!” consumed my mommy life. It’s been quite an adventure and change for us, taking into consideration many people’s opinions from doctors to other mom’s, spending lots of wasted money on ointments, and experimenting with supplemental foods. Back in March at the doctor we pinned down the allergens to be eggs, nuts, dairy, and since then I’ve added soy to the list.

How’s it going, you ask? Well for many months I tried to avoid those foods for his sake, but often failed because of my sweet tooth. Like, when my husband would bring home doughnuts (shame on him to bring home temptation!) or I’d be at a birthday party and sneak a bit of cake. Or, not picking a decent restaurant to avoid cross-contamination, like those cook-in-front-of-you Japanese steak houses where everything is cooked with butter and right next to the eggs for fried rice! So yes, my sweet tooth and eating out has been my biggest challenge. I was getting so frustrated that even though I was “being good” most of the time, he still would have red flared up cheeks that would come and go in intensity.  Get better, get worse, get better, get worse. I would have hope that we finally had it manageable and then I’d sneak another bite of something and make it worse again. Oh, the guilt!

Several times I’ve woken up to Jaxson with blood covered sheets and bright red cheeks, but one day I had had enough. Frustrated with how I had been handling things, I turned to the idea of finding a formula that maybe he would thrive on instead of literally tearing his skin off. Good news? They do make a soy and dairy free formula! Bad news? It costs at least $30 a can, making it over $100 per month. Oy. I like that breastfeeding is free. And plus, the more I thought about it, the more I mourned the idea of losing that special bond between Jaxson and I. I’ve written before how he adores that time, both for hunger and for comfort and quite honestly, I’m not ready to give that up if I don’t need to. Still, that night I nursed him and while doing so I prayed about what God would have me do. I kid you not, the next day his face was at least 50% clearer, when just the day before he had clawed his face over and over.  To me, it was a sign from God to keep trying. So I strapped on my big girl momma boots and determined to try harder.

And, I prayed a lot.

I prayed that God would take away the cravings of the foods that caused him to flare. I prayed that he would purify my milk and the allergens would leave his body. I prayed he wouldn’t itch and scratch. And, I gave thanks that his allergy reactions are just a rash and not anything life threatening like breathing problems (Seriously. Thank you, God!).

I tell you, prayers work! Soon after that my stepmom remembered what she used to do for my little brother when he had eczema (not food related, but same itchy skin situation). We realized that Savannah would eat a PB&J or eat cereal with milk and then kiss all over her baby brother, which easily could pass allergens along. So, I followed her advice of washing his cheeks and hands more often to wipe off any allergens that were lingering on the skin. That made a huge difference! And then, I bought yet another ointment to put on his rash. I’ve tried everything it seems like, natural or not, from Emu oil to paraban laden creams recommended by the dermatologist. Although I would like to find a natural solution, but this Eczema cream with Cortizone has made the most drastic difference.

Of course, I haven’t taken a current picture of him lately except on my cell phone (shame, shame). But, let’s just say he looks kind of like this where the rashes were edited out by an awesome photographer back in May when he was about 6.5 months old:

Minus the frowny face and the froggy hat.

Sure, we have our flare ups every now and then. But, as I stick to my diet for his sake (and improving my own health along the way!) they usually are very small and manageable compared to what the past months have looked like.

Praise God for clear cheeks!

Savannah has been trying to get a butterfly to land on her finger for weeks.  Many days I’ve seen her chase around a little butterfly, trying to tell it that she’s nice and wants to be her friend, but with no such luck. Finally, this beautiful one gave her a chance at Stone Mountain Park last week. I guess its used to people since it lives at the park and wasn’t scared, eh? Anyways, she was thrilled! And I’m thrilled with the pictures we got to capture that memory.

Behold, my favorite nursing shirt.

Which, actually isn’t a nursing shirt at all. Technically. At least not marketed that way. I found it at Old Navy about a week ago in the regular woman’s department and it quickly has climbed to the top of my favorite-in-closet list. Not only is it a beautiful color and has the whole “comfy-stylish-mom” look going on, but see how huge the neckline is? Makes it so easy to nurse anywhere! And a bonus, it covers up any post-baby tummy I have going on with the fit of it.  Oh, and it was cheap! I heart Old Navy.

Also, I wish I had known about nursing tanks when Savannah was a baby! They make life easier. I love to put a nursing tank under everything and make any shirt a nursing shirt. My tummy is always covered if I have to lift up my shirt to nurse and its more comfy than nursing bras any day. I found mine at Target (because I’m a cheapo who doesn’t want to pay $50 for a fancy one) and love them.

P.S. Yes, I’ve got glasses now. Remember way back when I confessed that I lied to my mom about not being able to see just so I could get glasses? Well, 18 years later it came back to get me because now I need them. Sorta, some times. Mainly for driving, but I like to wear them just because, too. They’re good for hiding tired eyes and I hear they make me look a smidgen older too. What’d you think? Do I still look 15?

May 2010- 6.5 months old. His cheeks look so much better than that now :-)

Jaxson is a Momma’s Boy. I remember Savannah being a Momma’s girl to as a baby (and still is…when she isn’t calling me “evil” because I discipline her!)

Maybe it’s this baby stage. Maybe it’s the fact that I have the milk. But, he absolutely loves being close to me and especially loves being wrapped up extra close in a carrier. Before this  summer weather got super-duper hot, we would take nightly walks to the mail box and around the neighborhood with him strapped to my back. He would kick his legs and chew on the fabric to ease his ever expanding gum line (he now has SIX teeth,  half of those came in just in the past 2 weeks. Talk about some sleepless nights!). Eventually he would lay his fuzzy head down on my back and just rest as he watched the world from behind my shoulders. Nursing has a similar effect most times, I absolutely love how he finishes many of his meals with a content sigh or squeal. It makes those middle of the night feedings a little more bearable!

I used to have moments like that with Savannah as a baby, I treasured them away in my heart, too. Now they’ve transformed into our nightly ritual of prayers, scratching her back, and snuggles. It’s different than the baby bonding, but yet the same. It’s those moments that make up for her calling me evil when I tell her no to something. It’s in those moments that peace settles in after the emotional-4-year-old-storm and all is okay again. The slate is clean, just as rain washes away the dirt she’s played in off our front sidewalk.

It is moments like these I want to remember forever with my kids. The complete contentment they have just being close to me, the peace inside both of us that for a moment all is right. The silence that nothing has to be said. Just us, enjoying closeness and bonding together our parent-child souls.

I love having a momma’s boy and girl. Thank you, God for our little blessings! Some days I have to remind myself that they are blessings, especially grumpy days like today. Like I said, sweet moments wash it all away.

(I wrote this post weeks ago…and got distracted by kids…oops!)

Our day with Kaylee was wonderful, Savannah dubbed it “The best day ever!” (She’s really into things being “the best” right now, its cute). As Kaylee has gotten older, I feel like I know her less and less and we don’t get the time we used to during visits for a variety of reasons. One reason being that she and Savannah run off to play and I enjoy staying behind to talk with her parents (who tell great stories about Kaylee moments!). But, this time I made it an effort to follow the girls and be apart of their group for a least a few minutes. It was nice to have some time with all 3 kids together, both loving on Jaxson with smooches and hugs.

We took silly pictures together and laughed. She brought up adoption and explained to me why I placed her (whoa!), which honestly hearing it made me feel like a crappy person. “You didn’t have a job…you didn’t have any money…you were young…and you couldn’t take care of me…” Yes, all that was true and I know I placed her out of love but oh, the guilt when it comes out of my own daughter’s mouth! I am glad though that her parents always have talked about our adoption, its not a foreign concept to her and I’m so glad she is growing up knowing who I am, why I made my choice, and ultimately that it was out of love. Still, its hard to accept that I wasn’t “good enough” at that point in life to be her mom and she knows that.

Anyways, the rest of the day was a typical birthday with people to visit with, gifts, and cake (that I couldn’t eat thanks to Jaxson’s allergies but it look oh-so-good!). As I suspected, she loved the picture of her and Savannah I framed for her in a hot pink. And a unexpected “gift” from her, when she and Savannah were coloring together, she made me a picture that said “I love you.” Good to know the feeling is mutual :-)

It amazes me how with God, I can look into the face of past sadness and pain and feel…joy. Today, I feel nothing but joy as I reminisce about bringing this girl into the world 7 years ago and a new chapter in life beginning. I remember the happy tears of mine when I saw her face for the first time after birth and the knowing peace in my heart that she was not meant to be “mine.” Getting to witness her parents holding her for the first time was priceless, an image I will always treasure as long as I have memories.

No, today is not a sad day for me (I tend to feel all the sad emotions before hand!), its one of thankfulness. Thankful that God used wrong choices for good. Thankful that I am able to watch her grow up and make memories together. Thankful for all that God has done through her by simply being alive.

Happy 7th Birthday, Kaylee Ann

7 years ago I was hanging out with Kaylee’s family, along with my own family, anxiously awaiting the early morning hours to head to the hospital to be induced. And while what lay before me the next few days (years) could be hard at times, it was (and is) full of joy and peace.

And now, we get to have beautiful moments like this:

This picture, taken at Savannah’s 4th birthday party way back in February (Which, I totally meant to blog about…oops!) is absolutely my favorite picture of them ever. Yes, it’s being framed for both girls.

Shh…don’t tell Kaylee this is part of her birthday present!

I know my posts are few and far between now, I apologize. I wish I made the time to write for myself more, but the truth is there are so many other areas in life and people that need my attention in this season of life!

In the weeks of blogging silence, many good things happen and God has been teaching me in so many ways and I hope one day soon I will make the time to write about them. But today, my heart is heavy, in a sad yet joyful way. Its that time again. June. The month where I’m reminded of what I’ve been through and lost. A reminder of pain, yet of how God used that pain for glory and redemption.

7 (SEVEN!) years ago, I was preparing to give birth to Kaylee and place her into her family’s arms. Her 7th birthday is coming up next weekend.  Every year it amazes me how it sneaks up on me, just like these emotions.  Once again, I’m blessed to be invited to be a part of her special day. I get to see her beautiful smile and her eyes light up as we sing happy birthday and giggle as Savannah chases her around the house. That in itself, makes it worth it. Knowing how God used that time in my life makes it worth it, but I can’t deny the heavy heart of sadness. We miss her!

And then, June 5th (tomorrow) was the day our twins officially left my body, though they were physically and spiritually long gone before.  June 5th made it real, my womb was empty. Its hard to believe its been 2 years ago already. June always makes the wounds feel fresh again, just as with adoption emotions. I’ve said before how similar the emotions of adoption are to a miscarriage, at least in my experience. The life once inside a body, but leaving the hospital empty handed and a grieving heart. Knowing that I wouldn’t get to be their Mom, mourning that loss of role. And yet, like a rainbow after a storm June is a reminder of God’s love, guidance, and healing hand. I know He was holding me during those days of sorrow, and I know He’s holding me now.

June is hard, but God is good!