I grew up knowing who Jesus was, learning about His life through sporadic Sunday School lessons. I knew that He died to save my sins and rose again, but I didn’t know what that truly meant. I didn’t know God. I would try to get it, but a hard childhood full of guilt and shame just pulled me away. Love was looked for in the wrong places and life lessons got harder and harder as I wondered down the wrong paths.
Finally, just after my 16th birthday I hit rock bottom. I was pregnant. Just a junior in high school, not even a job or a drivers license and a so-called boyfriend that didn’t care anything but himself. I was was pregnant and supposed to raise a child like this? The news rocked my family’s world in the worst way, creating emotional hurts that needed to be healed. I felt alone, afraid, and very shameful for that path I had chosen to go down that I knew wasn’t the real me. I often would look into the mirror and just cry, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be! How could I have done this? I knew this wasn’t the life I wanted to live, and definitely not what God wanted for my life. My heart ached constantly and eventually I turned to the only thing that would take my burden away and just let me rest in peace….God.
I was given a cross necklace the year before and now more than even I clung to it and it’s meaning. Slowly God worked in my heart and my life, erasing the pain of my choices, erasing the pain between my parents and I, helping me to move past a dead-end relationship, to mature and grow in His love and to finally, truly understand what a relationship with Him meant. But, He began to ask something big of me that I wasn’t ready for. Since becoming pregnant I often begged God, “What should I do?!” I wanted to parent this little girl so badly, I loved her with my every being, experiencing her life forming within me was the most amazing miracle I had ever witnessed. But, I knew if I parented her it would be such a rough life for us both. Still, I wanted her with me. I named her Kaylee Ann and dreamed up how life would be. I was ready to endure the hardships just so I could be with her. However, God had other plans and my heart knew it. I knew He was calling me towards adoption. My heart would ache and pull away at the thought of adoption, how could He ask this of me? This was my daughter! I battled the decision for months, changing my mind back and forth. It was a constant unsettling war within my heart.
At 7 months pregnant, one beautiful day that my Mom and I had taken an easy hike on a small mountain, something sunk in. I like to describe it as God “hitting me on the head.” Not literally, of course, but the realities hit fast and hard. It was like my eyes finally could see after years of blindness, and it hurt at first. I sobbed for hours realizing the truth in the hard life my daughter and I would lead if I parented her. Instead of brushing it off as “no big deal, I can do this!” (i.e. Being stubborn!)…I got it. I got that He had greater plans for us. Plans to prosper us and not harm us, just as He promises in the Bible. And with that, I accepted His plan.
Within days His plan went into action. I talked with my social worker and started looking at couples. It only took one profile, the very first one I looked at, for me to know I had found the ones. They reminded me of my own family and they had everything I was looking for in a couple. There were so many uncanny similarities that I could just see God’s finger prints all over this profile. Within another few days, I had meant them and again was confirmed with the over whelming joy in my heart that these were the ones for my daughter. There was just one problem. I had already named my daughter Kaylee, and it was really important to me that she kept that name after adoption. But, they already had a name picked out too. It was Kayla. They quickly agreed to the name Kaylee, and again, we saw God working. I hadn’t told them about her middle name, I wanted them to have that choice since I had chosen the first name. And, they chose the same name, Ann. You can’t tell me that God isn’t real and that this wasn’t His plan. Coincidences don’t just happen like this. Things like this were little comforting reassurances.
Though this was God’s plan to prosper us, I can’t say that it wasn’t painful. It was. Letting go of the child I had carried and loved endlessly for months, was heart breaking. But I had God with me, along with support of friends and family. I also had peace in my decision. I knew and still know without a doubt that I did what was best for us at that point in my life and God has worked amazingly through the experience. Kaylee’s family and I still have contact and see each other often. She knows me as her birth mom, she calls Savannah her sister, and she loves playing with Mark. Whenever we visit I’m always reminded of that bond we shared, that it’s never left us, and the amazing ways God brought two families together to share one lucky little girl.
After Kaylee’s birth and the birth of my new life in Christ, I had been changed. I focused on my relationship with Christ rather than perusing earthly, high school ones. I didn’t date for 2 years, I prayed unceasingly. I tried to rejoice in everything that came my way.
Of course, old habits die hard. Starting college in 2005, Satan was back at my door tempting me, especially since I was away from my comfort zone surrounded by a whole new world. I found out I was pregnant again just after completing my freshman year. This time, luckily, I had a good Christian man by my side. You may know him now as my husband, Mark. Hurt and pain arose again, along with shame and guilt. The disappointment was awful to face. Many sacrifices were made so that Mark and I could be together. We moved away from the mountains we loved and into the city, where his family lived. I lived in a maternity home for 6 months (and that was a challenge of faith in it’s self!), worked and planned for the arrival of our child. God continued to be faithful in our lives, providing an abundance of baby things, support, healing, opening the hearts of others, etc. The stresses, though tough, only made us stronger.
I some times think it’s ironic that the most painful and tough time in my life was the strongest my relationship with God has ever been. He pulled me through when I thought I wouldn’t make it. He’s turned pain into something beautiful, He corrected my wrongs and straightened my path. His grace, mercy and forgiveness have continued to be faithful blessings in my life.
