Whoa…

I was added to All Top! In the adoption section.

(This is good news for my tired, tired eyes. Story and begging for advice to come later)

Whoa! I wrote this article back in February or so, submitted it, and never heard back from Hybrid Mom. I just found it through a search engine, and it was published on there! And some one commented :-)

I know it’s just a small step in a writer’s world, but it’s still exciting to know that some one else thought it was good enough to put up publicly. And, some one found it inspiring.

Momma O needs a job to help us get through the next school year.  Any one need an awesome writer?  Administrative assistant? Data entry?  Baby sitter?

Here’s to praying and hoping the right job or internship comes a long. I have faith that it will. Thank you, Lord, for the doors you will open.

First off, Happy Mother’s Day everyone! I hope it’s been a great day of pampering and loving on your own mom and/or getting pampered and honored yourself! My family certainly has done a lot for me this weekend, with beautiful flowers and funny cards, but certainly the high light has been my experience with Birth Mom Buds.

It’s funny how in such a short amount of time, less than 24 hours, you can make so many new connections and quickly come to feel as if you’ve known people forever. It’s a wonderful feeling to instantly “click” with people, which I feel is the hand of God at work giving us the blessing as a whole to be able to support each other. It was such an up lifting, fun filled, emotional and transparent 24 hours.

For me, the fun started Friday night as my Mom drove into town and we met up with 5 other ladies (all birth moms but one, one being the lovely Coley who is Bmom Bud’s Founder). It was my first time meeting these ladies face to face, so I was a bit shy and nervous but thankfully there were some outgoing personalities in our group! Dinner was the most amazing meal I’ve eaten in a long time. Like, Food Network top chief quality with the beautiful presentation and everything. Yum. It was a good time to get to know each other a bit more, hear about their stories, share my own and realize how it really can be a small world.

The next day the official Birth Mother’s Day Event started in the morning, where we were immediately greeted with gift bags (and the whole day was filled with give aways!). We all introduced ourselves with a brief telling of who we are, our children, type of adoption, etc. Everyone had their own story and experiences, from 20 year old children in closed adoptions to only 2 months post placement. It was really neat to see that we all have differences but our choice in adoption brings us together and that unifying experience leads us to help and lean on each other.

We had breakout sessions, one which I lead about journaling about how it can be a great tool for dealing with grief, stress, etc. It went really well and there was some great interaction with others and creative production of poems going on! Another successful speaking event = check!

After our (yummy) lunch we wrote a short prayer/note for our children, tied it to a balloon and let them float to heaven. I released on in honor of Kaylee and for my friend’s daughter, Eden (hi Bre!). Then we listened to several great speakers, one was an adult adoptee that was in a closed adoption but now has been reunited and what that was like. It was really, really validating to hear from the mouth of an adoptee that she is okay and that she is so, so thankful for what her birth mother did for her. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear those words from own daughter’s mouth, but it will be a glorious day if/when she does. Not that I have any doubts in my heart or mind that I did the wrong thing, but to hear from her that I did and her accepting that in her heart and mind, that will be powerful. One of the other speakers was Robyn who had a closed adoption and recently reunited with her son after 19 years. It was a tough story to listen to, but so inspiring as well.

We watched the famous Birth Mom Buds slide show, and then later gathered in a circle to light candles in honor of our children while saying a prayer for them. It was beautiful to see so many women standing together pouring out their hearts in love and willing to be transparent with each other. Not just in this circle, but throughout the whole day.

It was hard to say goodbye, I really did not want the fun and closeness to end. I believe some one said at some point that it was a place filled with love, and it certainly was! On my home a song came on the radio called, “Be still and Know I’m Here” and while this is a Christian song meant to to be about God, I felt it captured this weekend’s experience perfectly. Towards the end of the song, it repeats” We are not alone” several times in such an up lifting way. As a birth mother, I don’t often come in face to face contact with others that share my experience, joys and pain of adoption. But that 24 hours? Was one where it became a reality that there are others out there (and in my own city!) that know what it’s like and we can lean on each other. We are not alone.

So, if anyone is reading this from Birth Mom Buds that I met this weekend, this is a huge thanks to all of you and how wonderful you made this weekend for me. I look forward to our next meeting, and I hope it will be soon! And of course, thanks to my Mom for making it financially possible to attend, giving me encouragement and making this weekend even more special with her presence.

Next from Momma O: A Mother’s Day post.

There’s been several things weighing on my heart lately, besides the messed up priorities. I thought I’d share them here so you guys would know what’s going.

The big one:

I have an umbilical hernia. Actually, several (which I just learned means I have para-umbilical hernia as well). About 4-5 in and surrounding my belly button caused by pregnancy (I think). I guess my belly became so huge it stretched the muscles further than it could go and made holes.  Lovely thought, huh?  They hadn’t bothered me until recently, but now some days it can be bad enough I can’t stand up straight and must lie down.  It’s a burning and pulling sensation as the holes stretch larger. Not fun! And, the only cure for this issue is to have surgery. I’ve put it off because they honestly weren’t causing a problem/pain and I felt I just didn’t need it yet.  But as things get worse, it’s inevitable that a surgery is in the near future. And that is a really scary thought! No matter how minor it may be, it’s scary to think of you being “put to sleep” and having your body cut, prodded and sowed back. I have a very low pain tolerence, anything to do with pain or blood makes me squirm. This just doesn’t sound like my cup of tea to deal with, but I must.

Plus, there’s the whole issue of money. We do have insurance but it’s a question of if they’ll consider this a pre-existing condition (and there fore, not pay), and if they do cover it, how much do we have to shell out too?

I have a dr. appointment Monday, so we’ll see what he says. And that’s a whole ‘nother issue: Showing my nasty, stretched out, flabby, wrinkly, hernia belly to a male dr.  Thankfully, it’s a dr. I know well, Savannah’s amazing dr. But still.

The minor one:

Literally, it’s my minor.  I’m currently an English major with a  minor in Technical/Professional writing. I was so excited when I found technical writing, I was pumped for my first day of intro class. And quickly became disappointed, it’s totally not what I thought it would be. As an English major we are required to have a minor as well, so I’m stuck here deciding what’s best to do.  I talked with a teacher and she suggested to look into Journalism.  It sounds much more appealing, more in line with what I write now, and the direction I would like to be in (work at home freelance writing). But what does God want me to do?  What direction does He want me to go in?  I hate when life is in limbo like this, like the direction is completely unclear until the perfect time.  Gah. Granted, the big picture of “life” is not in limbo, this is just one small area, but you know that feeling I’m speaking of.

The other one:

I’m totally not prepared for my speech. I have it all in my head, but I can’t face the blank screen to write it out. Cause that means I’m really about to do it. That means I really have to start practicing and saying it out loud and fear sounding stupid. I need some motivation and confidence and some divine words to pour through me.

What’s going on in your life?  How can I pray for you? 

I guess I’m back from my hiatus. I’ve had people emailing asking where I’ve been and are all worried, how sweet! I’m not completely sure why the thought of writing has been unappealing lately. Just thinking of hitting the “Write” button on my WordPress screen was nauseating. I couldn’t think of what to write, what to say. I don’t even wanted to look at my blog stats, they’ve probably gone way down hill. Why this sudden lack of passion for the one thing I truly am passionate about? I have my ideas.

Perhaps it’s because life is just busy. We’ve been out of town, dealt with a death of a cat, had tests to study for, laundry to do and baths to give. But the past years I’ve been blogging, that’s never stopped me, I’ve always made time for my love of writing. I can count these as an excuse, but they’re not good ones. So what’s at the root?

I believe that my writing talent and passion comes from God. It’s a gift He gave me from my childhood but started really developing when I was pregnant with Kaylee. Which, I don’t find surprising is the same time that I truly came to know Christ. When I write I feel like it’s because He’s allowed me have those ideas, feelings, images and expressions. When I’m feeling close to Him, the writing and passion flows. When I’m distant from Him, it feels like He with-holds that gift. My mind just feels blank, empty. As does my heart.

Why do I let myself distance myself? I know that life is so much better, passionate, joyful, peaceful, and everything wonderful He created life to be when He’s in my life.

On our way to visit family for Easter, I was bored in the car and decided to pull out my Bible (which, I honestly hardly touch unless I’m a church, I’m horrible. Good thing I had left it in the car after last Sunday). I was flipping around in Old Testament because I rarely read from that section, especially the odd named ones I’d never heard of. So I come across the book of Haggai and found this in Chapter 1:

9 “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the LORD Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

(Today’s New International Version, italics added by me to emphasize what hit me the most)

It struck a heart cord. It made sense. It was like God pointing at this verse with His mightly finger and saying, “See, Leah, this is why you feel empty and your gift is dried up. I love you, but you’ve got to work on some things!” Obviously, my priorities are screwed up. Like these people back in 500 B.C., I have been working on building my own house, my own life desires, scheduling my own agenda. In short: I’m selfish (aren’t we all?). I’ve reached the point I hardly pray anymore. We didn’t attend church for nearly 6 weeks (for many good reasons, but still, it’s lacking had it’s effects!). When we came back to church we felt out of place again where we once felt at home. We didn’t “feel” like singing the songs. What’s going on with us?

I don’t know what’s holding me back inside, but I need me to release it. I need my passion back, not just for writing, but my passion for Christ. Not just for my own life, but to inspires the lives of others. This Saturday I am giving the speech to young ladies about continuing education. I cannot have the right words or the confidence this shy girl desperately needs without Him working through me.

But, at least I’m breaking the silence. It’s better not to hide in misery. So here I am, asking you to support us with prayers (and any advice?). Prayers would be wonderful right now, Mark and I are both out of place. Something is missing and for some reason we’re holding back from The One answer.

I know I haven’t been posting much lately, but, if you still love this blogger, take BlogHer’s Survey! Actually, it doesn’t have much to do with me specially, BlogHer is collecting data about how bloggers/readers spend their time and what they are looking for to better improve their ads campaigns (don’t quote me on that, that’s just how I understood it to be). BlogHer gives women the chance not only to engage in a community of bloggers, but gives bloggers the chance to make a tiny profit from their hard work!

And I’m one of them! That means that every time you view this blog, it helps pay for diapers or the many hair cuts it takes to keep up the mommy bob look. So, thanks :-)

The survey doesn’t take long, 5 minutes max (edit: Apparently it’s longer than that, sorry!). I’ve already completed mine. And really, wouldn’t it be nice to win a free trip to a BlogHer event? If you win and don’t want to go, I’ll go in your place ;-) Deal? Just take the survey! Thanks again for your support of this blog!

Even way back in Elementary school, I wanted to grow up to be a writer. Of course, that plan strayed a little bit through high school as I moved from teacher to interior designer to social worker. But now? I’m back to the root of me: writing.

I do want to write books some day, it’s been a dream of mine for years. I’ve always got ideas bouncing in my head, I’ve got a passion for what I write about, I just love to write. It’d be a dream to get these thoughts on paper, in the bookstore, and into the hands of a reader. To inspire others. For now, this blog is that for me and it’s thrilling!

However, a part of that writing lifestyle I dream about is speaking. How so, you ask? Think about it. A writer doesn’t just sit at a pretty little desk thinking and typing her (or his) day away. Yeah, for a while they do, but then the book is published and there are things to do to promote it. There are book signings, conferences to speak at, press conferences, etc. The problem? I’m a very behind the scenes girl, that’s why I love to write. I get my voice, stories and ideas out there but my face and nerves are left out. Speaking is one of my worst fears, it binds me in nerves. I talk too fast, I goof up. I even cry some times. It’s not a good sight.

Recently Mark and I spent a while talking about how I know this is direction God is leading me in life. I know I am meant to write and I can just see myself up on stage encouraging young women. I want to get to that point, but it’s hard to get past my fears. Mark told me how he used to be the same way in high school, but he new he wanted to be a young leader of some sort and prayed that God would give him opportunities to become more comfortable in that role. And He’s done just that! For example, this weekend at the conference he was the leader for our small group and did a wonderful job.

I guess God took this discussion between me and Mark as a “go”to start working on me. After class today a classmate approached me (knowing that I have a daughter and has continued with school) asking if I would be willing to speak to a group of pregnant high school girls encouraging them to continue their education. I said yes. For some reason, the thought doesn’t send my nerves in crazy directions, I’m calm about it. I know I can do it. It’s an excellent opportunity to work on my speaking skills. But more importantly? It’s an opportunity to help inspire these girls in places that I’ve been in twice and encourage them to move on in a better life style with an education. That is an honor.

What’s also a little coincidence? I just wrote an essay for an online magazine about this very topic, being a student mommy. So, that means I’ve already got the bases of my speech ready to go, which calms my nerves even more. God is so good!

It’s not until March 15th, but I’m already preparing and praying that He can work through me and give me the confidence I need. And of course, help prepare these girl’s hearts for our message (cause really, I know how tough it is to be a mommy AND a student along with everything else life demands). Continue preparing me, Lord.

So the exciting news I’ve been referring to?

We’re moving! Well, virtually, that is. We’re moving web hosts so that we (I) have our own website. I’m so excited!

I’ve enjoyed this past year using wordpress.com, it’s given me a start into the public blogging world. It’s connected me to other great bloggers, it’s been easy to use but also helped me to grow and get to know about this blog thing more. I’ve been proud of the work I’ve done on here. But, I’ve started to feel really limited. Since it’s a free blog there are a lot more rules. Especially in the design area, it only allows you to pick out of the few design choices they offer unless you pay an extra fee per month. Easy enough, but if I’m going to pay something per month, I’d rather just have my own website where I can do practically anything I want! Also, as an extra way to earn a little money, I wanted to put up some tasteful ads from BlogHer Ads, but that wasn’t allowed (understandably though, since the blog is free).

I’ve been wanting my own space for a long time. I’m ready to learn new things about the internet/blog world. I’m ready to change graphics to my own taste and have a domain name established that doesn’t include .wordpress.com at the end. I’m ready for a header that doesn’t turn blurry and pixely when I upload it.

With money being tight (ya know, school supplies, diapers, baby food, Christmas presents, etc.), I asked for a website for Christmas. Luckily, my Dad is a high tech kind of guy and “gets” this sort of thing and gets why I would want one. During our week and half stay with my Dad, that will be father-daughter project. I’m so excited!

And so, I’m joining in on The Big Bloggy Move Party! Hosted by After a Cup of Coffee…or Two and SortaCrunchy (I would post a link to her as well, but I can’t find one that works).

February 11th, 2008 (how in the world is it already close to being 2008?) they will be posting all the links to the new websites that want to join in. Post your own when the time comes and check out everyone else’s new site! It’s a great way to get new readers and traffic. Of course, I’m hoping my new website will be way done, up and running by February 11th, but like I said, it’s a great way to get the new site out there. Go see if you qualify if you’d like to join in on the party! Did I mention…there will be prizes!

Happy Moving :-)

You know what’s funny?  Every single research paper I’ve done in my college career has been based on adoption (granted this is only my second year, but still).  Often the topic for my classes has been, “Research what you’re interested in!” and so, I chose adoption.  Especially since my freshman year I was aiming towards a social work degree, coming fresh from the adoption world (Kaylee had turned 1 before I started college) and trying to dive into it even more by learning all about it.  I can’t exactly remember what my original papers were about specifically, I just remember creating a cool survey for my friend that happened to be an adoptee (Victoria, who just posted a really moving poem about her adoption).

This semester?  Once again, some how,  I’ve closed in on adoption as my topic. I didn’t mean to, I promise. It just jumped out from the pages of the book we’re supposed to base this paper on (The Red Tent by Anita Diament…very interesting stuff!).  As I was reading about Dinah’s reactions and feelings towards her mother-in-law basically taking over her son and all the events that follow, it just stood out to me. It reminded me of how I’ve felt at times, how I’ve seen other birth mothers describe their experiences, or how some just plain isolate themselves like Dinah did. Of course it’s not an exact adoption that we’d think of, but I think I have enough evidence.

And now the research has begun.  I’ve been reading about relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents, effects adoption can have on the children, and of course, the experiences of birth mothers.  From pre-birth/placement ideas, to the birth, holding their children, signing adoption papers, leaving the hospital, etc. And, since this topic hits so close to home, it’s bringing up stuff I forgot was even there.  It’s bringing up memories and heart ache I all too often have pushed aside.  Moments that brought many, many tears. Is this a bad thing, for me to push things aside?  I don’t think so. I don’t think I have to relive these moments every day and feel sadness every day to make my adoption experience real.  I don’t have to wallow in sadness to acknowledge my daughter’s presence in my life. It’s ok to “move on” in a sense (though, a birth mother never completely moves on). I’m happy, she’s happy.  I honestly feel at that point in my life, I did the best thing for us.

I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to relieve these moments.  It’s tough to think about again, heck yea. But, as I read tonight some where tonight, it’s those moments that I had to go through (that I was lucky enough to go through in some cases), like getting to hold Kaylee when she was born and whenever I wanted, being able to pick out her parents and meet them before hand, signing those adoption papers, etc. that help me to grieve, but also to heal.  You have to grieve before you can heal.

Still, it’s hard to be reminded of these moments that I often don’t think about.  I’d really rather think about the good things within our adoption.  Our reoccurring visits, phone calls with Kaylee’s mom, all the pictures we have together throughout the years, sharing in her birthday parties, buying her presents, watching Kaylee and Savannah interact together.  Its priceless moments like these that make my soul smile, that make it worth it.  The negative stuff has it’s part, yeah, but the positive stuff outweighs the negative much more for me.

And speaking of Kaylee, we’re set of have our Christmas visit in less than 2 weeks! I’m excited. We bought her (and her brother’s) Christmas presents yesterday.  My whole family will be joining us as well (I haven’t seen them in months either, so double excitement!).  Last time Kaylee saw Savannah she was only 5 months old and not mobile. I look forward to see the differences in their interaction now.  I look forward to seeing my daughter.