Every since last Thursday when I was on the radio, it has renewed my passion. I have many passions in life, but particularly, my passion for writing and sharing our adoption story. I strongly feel that coming up on 6 years ago when I became pregnant and made the choice of adoption with God’s leading the way, that in turn He gave me the gift of writing.  In fact, I started blogging when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It was not much of a blog/journal, it was filled with exclamation points that had no reason to be there, a ton of “LOL’s”, lots of complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and in general just youthful in content and grammar (I was 16, after all).  However, after Kaylee’s birth I obviously dealt with a lot of emotions and God revealed Himself to me more, and so my writing became more seasoned and meaningful.  By the time Kaylee had turned one, I knew in the dept of my soul that God wanted me to use our story and use my writing to proclaim who God truly is and show that adoption can be such a blessing.

I wrote my story out in many places, mostly online but also academically and many of my papers were chosen to share with students. Seriously, just every research paper I’ve done in college has related back to adoption in some way.  One amazingly inspirational English teacher I had at Appalachian State  commented on one of my papers, “Content is always the most important and yours is always so compelling when you write on this subject!  You really should consider writing about your experiences for publication!” (Between his encouragement and my Dad’s, that is why I became an English major).

People have told me I should write a book for years, and trust me, I want to.  I have plans in my head but it’s scary to commit the time when I have no idea where to begin, or who to take my writing to.  I need a magic formula, do you  have one? But, the comment last week from the radio host confirmed to me again that I need to do this. Not just to sell books, not just to get my name out there, not for my glory but for God’s. And also to preserve my feelings and thoughts in paper, in hopes that it encourages others and one day it will give Kaylee a deeper understanding of my time with her and how much I love her.

I don’t know when I’ll start writing, I mean really writing. I always assumed I would wait until I graduated because then I would have more free time, right?  I’ve learned that with Motherhood there is no such thing as free time, whether you are in school or work or stay at home.  So I need to stop making excuses and let God lead the way, eh?

Seriously though, if you have a magic writing formula to follow or just a good resource about how to go about this, please do share!

Alright all you bloggers, my hubby needs your help.  He is doing a research project on why people blog and needs as many responses as possible.

It doesn’t matter if you own your own website, blog on myspace, livejournal, open diary, facebook, whatever. If you write any where on the web, please take this survey!

Click here to take survey

My hubby thanks you a lot :-)

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m burned out.  I started writing years ago at 16 as an escape, in a sense. To get words and feelings out, to share memories and experiences. To share them with others with the hope that they too could relate, or at least see a glimpse of what the real me is like.  After I was saw friends starting and designing their own blogs, the popularity of it, the opportunities it provided for them, I wanted in on that too.  And I did, for a while.  My little blog was booming for the past year with lots of free stuff, a small amount of income from the ads, lots of viewers to lift my spirits…until the dreaded recent Christmas silence and my viewers have dropped like flies.  I’ll be honest (again), it’s hurt.

And that in itself says a lot, that I care too much.  That my blogging has become about the popularity, recognition, status, pride, whatever. Everything that it didn’t start out to be, or should be.  In turn, I’m left feeling like I have to blog to keep viewers coming.  Writing has become like a third job to me, like I have to do it.  That’s not what it should be, folks!  This should be my creative outlet, not a dreaded chore.

The past few church services we’ve been to have spoke to me in this area, about what I cling onto. We’ve been learning the difference between false treasure and true treasure–True Treasure of Christ vs. what society considers treasure.  We’ve also talked about God leading us into “the wilderness” (aka hard times such as the economy status now) and how it’s not to kill us, but for us to truly seek Him above all, trust Him, and redirect our life though we don’t understand.

I know you’re wondering what this has to do with blogging. Well for me, the sudden and huge drop in viewers, along with my precious computer dying (that I cried over. Again, I care too much),  it feels like God saying–”Hey! You’re clinging on to that–not me!” And, He’s right.  The time I spend on the computer (writing or not), could be precious and meaningful time with God. So through the crashes, I’m asking for that redirection and relearning where priorities should lie. I truly, truly believe that God gave me the gift of writing when I became a Christian at 16.  I also believe that He gives and takes away. He has taken away this passion for now (as I’ve written about this before), which is why I think I feel burned out with it right now. My heart is not in the right place for it, his gifts are to serve and glorify Him, not myself.  It’s not about the number of views a day, the amount of my check from BlogHer Ads, how cool my website looks. My writing, my life should all point back to Him.

So, I’ve been contemplating about what to do with this blog.  I do pay for it, so it makes no sense to just keep paying without using it. But, I also don’t want to keep writing just to write and I want take the hint from God to back off. I want to write because I’m inspired to write.  I want to write with meaning, not write about shallow stuff. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to just shut down, but I am going to take another break.  Who knows how long, I’m not setting a limit like last time.  The catch is this: I’ll only write because I want to write, or feel lead to, not when I feel obligated (besides the reviews I do).

So there’s my redirection: Following God into a closer relationship with Him, where ever that may take me, and in doing so putting meaning into my writing again.  I find when I’m close with God, my writing is all the better.  He is truly something to write about as I experiences this walk.  I’ll get there. We’ll get there.

This was taken from one of our service’s notes and I wanted to share it with you guys. It’s my inspiration right now as I’m seeking True Treasure in my life. I used my digital scrapbooking skills to make it pretty and print it out to remind myself what life (and blogging) is really about.

Just wanted to draw your attention to the cute little graphic that recently popped up in my right side bar. Or, for those of you who read through a trusty feed reader, this little guy:

See, Coley (from Birth Mom Buds) and I have been working hard on redoing my adoption story show case site for the past few days and I just had to share it. If you’ve even been to the old one, you might remember it desperately needed updating. Not only were the graphics not so good (oh, how technology improves quickly), there were pictures not working, it was linked to my very first old blog, and it said I was still a senior in high school. Obviously, it had been awhile since I wrote it. In fact, it was just months after Kaylee was born.

But now! It’s beautiful again. However it’s not just beautiful in colors and pictures, but I re-wrote it as well. Some things I decided didn’t need to be shared that were in the old one (like names or family drama), and this time it includes more than just my adoption story and also focuses on how God worked in my life. If you’ve ever read my testimony some parts might sound familiar.

And? It was just so, so fun to play with scrapbooking supplies for days. A big thanks to Michelle at Little Dreamer Designs that so graciously let us use her “Loveable” collection for the project. And thank you, Coley, for all your hard work putting it all together :-)

Enjoy!

You know what’s cool?  The top post that gets the most views on this lovely blog of mine is my testimony.  Or, as my church likes to call it, my grace story.  Right now, at 823 views, it takes the number one spot and has been there since I posted it a few months ago. God certainly has shown His grace in my life and now is using it to share His love even more with others, what a blessing.  823 is a lot of people to share my faith and story with. Psh, and I thought I was shy? (Ok, maybe I still am)

Just another reason I love writing, it helps me share things I struggle to express in person.

Keep using my blog for Your glory, Lord!

Whoa…

I was added to All Top! In the adoption section.

(This is good news for my tired, tired eyes. Story and begging for advice to come later)

Whoa! I wrote this article back in February or so, submitted it, and never heard back from Hybrid Mom. I just found it through a search engine, and it was published on there! And some one commented :-)

I know it’s just a small step in a writer’s world, but it’s still exciting to know that some one else thought it was good enough to put up publicly. And, some one found it inspiring.

Momma O needs a job to help us get through the next school year.  Any one need an awesome writer?  Administrative assistant? Data entry?  Baby sitter?

Here’s to praying and hoping the right job or internship comes a long. I have faith that it will. Thank you, Lord, for the doors you will open.

First off, Happy Mother’s Day everyone! I hope it’s been a great day of pampering and loving on your own mom and/or getting pampered and honored yourself! My family certainly has done a lot for me this weekend, with beautiful flowers and funny cards, but certainly the high light has been my experience with Birth Mom Buds.

It’s funny how in such a short amount of time, less than 24 hours, you can make so many new connections and quickly come to feel as if you’ve known people forever. It’s a wonderful feeling to instantly “click” with people, which I feel is the hand of God at work giving us the blessing as a whole to be able to support each other. It was such an up lifting, fun filled, emotional and transparent 24 hours.

For me, the fun started Friday night as my Mom drove into town and we met up with 5 other ladies (all birth moms but one, one being the lovely Coley who is Bmom Bud’s Founder). It was my first time meeting these ladies face to face, so I was a bit shy and nervous but thankfully there were some outgoing personalities in our group! Dinner was the most amazing meal I’ve eaten in a long time. Like, Food Network top chief quality with the beautiful presentation and everything. Yum. It was a good time to get to know each other a bit more, hear about their stories, share my own and realize how it really can be a small world.

The next day the official Birth Mother’s Day Event started in the morning, where we were immediately greeted with gift bags (and the whole day was filled with give aways!). We all introduced ourselves with a brief telling of who we are, our children, type of adoption, etc. Everyone had their own story and experiences, from 20 year old children in closed adoptions to only 2 months post placement. It was really neat to see that we all have differences but our choice in adoption brings us together and that unifying experience leads us to help and lean on each other.

We had breakout sessions, one which I lead about journaling about how it can be a great tool for dealing with grief, stress, etc. It went really well and there was some great interaction with others and creative production of poems going on! Another successful speaking event = check!

After our (yummy) lunch we wrote a short prayer/note for our children, tied it to a balloon and let them float to heaven. I released on in honor of Kaylee and for my friend’s daughter, Eden (hi Bre!). Then we listened to several great speakers, one was an adult adoptee that was in a closed adoption but now has been reunited and what that was like. It was really, really validating to hear from the mouth of an adoptee that she is okay and that she is so, so thankful for what her birth mother did for her. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear those words from own daughter’s mouth, but it will be a glorious day if/when she does. Not that I have any doubts in my heart or mind that I did the wrong thing, but to hear from her that I did and her accepting that in her heart and mind, that will be powerful. One of the other speakers was Robyn who had a closed adoption and recently reunited with her son after 19 years. It was a tough story to listen to, but so inspiring as well.

We watched the famous Birth Mom Buds slide show, and then later gathered in a circle to light candles in honor of our children while saying a prayer for them. It was beautiful to see so many women standing together pouring out their hearts in love and willing to be transparent with each other. Not just in this circle, but throughout the whole day.

It was hard to say goodbye, I really did not want the fun and closeness to end. I believe some one said at some point that it was a place filled with love, and it certainly was! On my home a song came on the radio called, “Be still and Know I’m Here” and while this is a Christian song meant to to be about God, I felt it captured this weekend’s experience perfectly. Towards the end of the song, it repeats” We are not alone” several times in such an up lifting way. As a birth mother, I don’t often come in face to face contact with others that share my experience, joys and pain of adoption. But that 24 hours? Was one where it became a reality that there are others out there (and in my own city!) that know what it’s like and we can lean on each other. We are not alone.

So, if anyone is reading this from Birth Mom Buds that I met this weekend, this is a huge thanks to all of you and how wonderful you made this weekend for me. I look forward to our next meeting, and I hope it will be soon! And of course, thanks to my Mom for making it financially possible to attend, giving me encouragement and making this weekend even more special with her presence.

Next from Momma O: A Mother’s Day post.

There’s been several things weighing on my heart lately, besides the messed up priorities. I thought I’d share them here so you guys would know what’s going.

The big one:

I have an umbilical hernia. Actually, several (which I just learned means I have para-umbilical hernia as well). About 4-5 in and surrounding my belly button caused by pregnancy (I think). I guess my belly became so huge it stretched the muscles further than it could go and made holes.  Lovely thought, huh?  They hadn’t bothered me until recently, but now some days it can be bad enough I can’t stand up straight and must lie down.  It’s a burning and pulling sensation as the holes stretch larger. Not fun! And, the only cure for this issue is to have surgery. I’ve put it off because they honestly weren’t causing a problem/pain and I felt I just didn’t need it yet.  But as things get worse, it’s inevitable that a surgery is in the near future. And that is a really scary thought! No matter how minor it may be, it’s scary to think of you being “put to sleep” and having your body cut, prodded and sowed back. I have a very low pain tolerence, anything to do with pain or blood makes me squirm. This just doesn’t sound like my cup of tea to deal with, but I must.

Plus, there’s the whole issue of money. We do have insurance but it’s a question of if they’ll consider this a pre-existing condition (and there fore, not pay), and if they do cover it, how much do we have to shell out too?

I have a dr. appointment Monday, so we’ll see what he says. And that’s a whole ‘nother issue: Showing my nasty, stretched out, flabby, wrinkly, hernia belly to a male dr.  Thankfully, it’s a dr. I know well, Savannah’s amazing dr. But still.

The minor one:

Literally, it’s my minor.  I’m currently an English major with a  minor in Technical/Professional writing. I was so excited when I found technical writing, I was pumped for my first day of intro class. And quickly became disappointed, it’s totally not what I thought it would be. As an English major we are required to have a minor as well, so I’m stuck here deciding what’s best to do.  I talked with a teacher and she suggested to look into Journalism.  It sounds much more appealing, more in line with what I write now, and the direction I would like to be in (work at home freelance writing). But what does God want me to do?  What direction does He want me to go in?  I hate when life is in limbo like this, like the direction is completely unclear until the perfect time.  Gah. Granted, the big picture of “life” is not in limbo, this is just one small area, but you know that feeling I’m speaking of.

The other one:

I’m totally not prepared for my speech. I have it all in my head, but I can’t face the blank screen to write it out. Cause that means I’m really about to do it. That means I really have to start practicing and saying it out loud and fear sounding stupid. I need some motivation and confidence and some divine words to pour through me.

What’s going on in your life?  How can I pray for you?