I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

Holy Moly! Has it been 2.5 weeks already since I posted?  Going out of town through my life out of whack and I’m still trying to catch up with all the things I’ve missed (101 emails, anyone? or 100 blog posts to read? or 174 facebook updates?).

Today was the first day of classes and I can tell I’m going to have a challenging, work filled semester. Thankfully, it’s the last one, but bear with me as I post when I can between assignments and the 100′s of pages of readings on top of laundry, spending time with Savannah, planning her 3rd birthday party, and oh yeah…buying a house and moving all our stuff and making it look presentable. I’m stressed just thinking about all this and I have a feeling my blog posts will get pushed down to the bottom of the to-do list. 

Hopefully coming this week:

-Christmas pictures

-Kaylee visit!

-My mommy getaway trip recap

-House news

In short: a lot has happened in the last 2.5 weeks so be ready for update overload!

I’m starting to think there are certain stages of childhood that different parents can “do” better. Have you ever heard of that? I have some where before, and it’s certainly ringing true right now.

My ideal stage in parenthood? Babies. I can do the baby stage quite well. I feel like I was made to spend my days nursing, rocking, cooing, making baby food, changing diapers, making a little human smile, and teaching them basic things in life like how to roll over. I can do that, I love doing those thing. Yes, it’s a very tiring stage and physically demanding, but I feel like my personality better suites me in this “quieter”  stage and less mobility (this would make a great research paper idea, no?). I could just sit and rock Savannah for hours, or let her have tummy time while I folded laundry. I could also get more homework done and got better grades, strangely.

But, babies grow up. And this toddler business? Is kicking my mommy butt.  The attempt at discipline, the tantrums, the picky eating, the STILL not sleeping, the fight for independence, the arguing over everything, all the “Why, why, why’s!”, the screaming bloody murder when we have to leave public places. Savannah and I are constantly butting heads right now.  This day, this week, this month, has been a huge test and thank God I don’t get graded on my parenting. I would be failing, or at least I feel I would be (though others say I’m doing just fine and all this is normal). The terrible twos have arrived. And quite frankly, I hate it.

Mark though? He is much better at this toddler thing. He can do the disciplining, he has the playful energy and imagination that it takes. He can trick her into eating her meal and or leave the store without screaming. Sure, he gets frustrated at times too, but he thrives more as a parent during this stage than he did in the baby stage. I guess that’s what teamwork is all about, eh? Each of us have our strengths that balance out the other. Too bad he’s at work all day.

I won’t lie, some times I hate motherhood. And please, do not read that as hating my child. I can hate the motherhood duties some times, but I could never hate her for the person she is. The fact is, this work is hard. That’s real motherhood for you, folks.

And then…this motherhood life redeems itself in small ways and makes a hard day worth while.  Before bed tonight, Savannah laid in my arms and we made up a new game that left us both giggling.  Thank God for little moments. I would surely go crazy without a visit from Jekyll when all I’ve seen is Miss Hyde.

Did you notice something missing? Like…oh…my entire website? If you read via a reader my content was still all there and you probably didn’t notice but I promise, it was entirely gone. I didn’t realize until my family asked me, “uh Leah…what’s wrong with your website?”  And I flew to the computer knowing what happened and wrote frantic emails to support.  See, I decided to switch website hosts due to lower cost and better support and in the process something didn’t go as planned. When one account expired the whole thing was closed down.  But, we’re back as you can see. 

But, can I just tell you…I’m about sick of technology right now. SICK. Everything I touch is breaking it seems.  My car and lap top, now Mark’s laptop is shot, a xbox 360, and today my website–all within a week!  Thankfully, most of these things can and are being fixed. But seriously? Technology, can I get a break please?

Oh goodness, it’s one of those days. Savannah has been whining since the moment she got up at 6:30 (clearly, way to early for her to be up). She’s only some-what content if we’re outside. But really? It’s like an oven out there and it’s not even officially summer yet! We surely cannot spend all day out side baking, but try explaining that to a 15 month old teething girl. *sigh*

She screamed when dinner wasn’t quite ready yet. And when it was ready? She screamed some more. Mark’s Dad gave me a lecture on how I’m not firm enough with her and she takes advantage of me. And then? She pooped in the tub.  A nice slimy one that got everywhere. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I’m discovering that being a 24/7 SAHM Mom is very wearing.  By the end of the week I’m spent, and by Saturdays I’m really needing a break. Remember last Saturday’s cry?  It’s odd that Saturdays are my worse day of the week now, it’s like my new Monday.  But that’s the good thing that by Monday I’m refreshed and ready again.

And on top of this, my little heart is hurting with adoption stuff. Kaylee’s birthday is less than 2 weeks away and this is always the hardest part…leading up to it. I’m dealing with issues like guilt, that I’m not letting her know I love her enough. I don’t call and ask to speak to her. I don’t send her letters. I don’t even know simple things like her favorite color or food. But then again…I don’t want to intrude on their lives with these things, they’re already busy enough. Oh, it’s hard to find the right balance.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day. With no poop in the shower, please.

This is just a quick note to say 1) I’m still alive 2) I’m super-de-duper busy between final exams/papers/projects, Savannah Banana (who is finally feeling better from her ear infections) and visiting friends one last time before they go to Africa for the summer 3)  Yes, I said uber up there in the title. Cause it speaks at how busy I am. And cause I’m cool like that. Maybe.

On top of the stress, there is more stress as my car and lap top are falling apart on me and therefore are now eating into our budget like cookie-monster gobbles up his cookies. Now is really not a good time to fall apart, ok technology? I think I have a cursed touch or something. Or, they’re just getting too old. Either one.

Any way. Hi and Bye. I’ll be back after Thursday with the world’s weight off my shoulders (well, almost cause I won’t have a new car or laptop). Man, that’ll feel good.