As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.

I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4

Jaxson is 2 month old today. Mark and I were telling each other yesterday, how it feels like he’s been with us forever yet at the same time it feels like he just arrived, too. Funny thing that sense of time! 

We are much more settled into a routine now, especially since Savannah started school back after the holidays and I have been working on getting Jaxson on a routine with Baby Wise. Kids thrive off routine, and I do much better as a parent with a routine too so life is feeling more manageable now. Especially now that my baby blues are better, thanks to some help from placenta hormones. Never thought I would do that because I know it sounds gross, but I was desperate to feel happy again and it made a HUGE difference! I’m still up a lot during the nights with Jaxson but some nights blow me a way with a stretch of 4 or 5 hours at a time. Now, if I would just go to bed earlier I could enjoy more of that chunk of sleep! Savannah was a horrible sleeper as a baby because she was so dependent on me, and still is some nights (like last night she was up 3 times needing me to put her back to bed!) so it thrills me that Jaxson is already headed in the right direction with sleep. Of course we still have nights where I’m up every hour like last night…but I’m okay. It amazes me how this time I’m much more relaxed about not getting sleep (I guess because I already knew what it would be like?) and how I can still function on so little. Its totally worth it to wake up to his coos and blue eyes!

 Last week a friend of mine helped me get some newborn-ish pictures since I had a falling out with the photographer I had paid to do it with my maternity/newborn package. Let me just say, trying to get a 7 week old to pose is hard stuff and it took the entire day between feeding Jaxson and our other kids,  comforting him when he fussy, setting up new shots as the natural light changed, etc.  He would not stay asleep for the sleepy newborn poses (we got lucky at the very end of the day), he was very wiggly and was more stiff than a fresh newborn since he’s learned how to use his little muscles. All of this is why they say take them within the first 2 weeks. (*ahem* trying not to go into a rant here!). We did get some really good ones though, they may not be the fresh-curled-up-sleepy-newborn I had envisioned when I bought my photo package, but since he was a little bit older she captured his budding personality and cute baby smiles really well. I love them! She took the pictures with my camera and I edited these below, I have yet to see the ones she edited but I can’t wait to see since we both have different styles and ideas :-)

I really could stare at his sweet face all day long.

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

My pregnancy insomnia is getting worse. No matter how exhausted I am, I lay there for hours. What’s funny is that I’m not even uncomfortable right now. My bed is perfect amount of softness/hardness balance that my hips and back haven’t been hurting during the night for the most part. The nightly heartburn I was having is magically gone since this little guy has decided to start dropping already (I’m 32 weeks now). But I. just. can’t. sleep. My brain won’t stop working.

The other night it was so bad I finally just got out of bed at 2am to make a list to get it out of my head, but still wasn’t tired so stayed awake until 4am on the computer. Then I finally crashed until 9am.   I’ve decided it’s worse to actually get up instead of just laying there, thinking and dosing.  It took pregnancy brain to a whole new level…one of wearing my shirt backwards all day in public and two different shoes. Granted, the shoes were at least both black flip flops but they were slightly different. And the shirt? I kept wondering why I had to keep pulling it down to cover my belly. I thought maybe I had just out grown yet another shirt until I was washing my hands in the bathroom at a store and saw my tag in the mirror. Oy. I hope no one noticed…

You would think that after a non-sleeping night it would be easy-peasy to get some sleep the next night. Nope. I went to bed at 8am barely able to keep my eyes open and still laid there until 9:30 when I finally took a benedryl to help. Once that wore off I was back in a non-stop-brain thinking mode. Any suggestions of a more natural way to get some sleep?!

The point of pregnancy where no matter how exhausted you are, you just can’t sleep. Heartburn is happening every night now, on top of a small cold. I’m just plain exhausted during the day usually, plan to go to bed early, and yet by night time I just lay in bed waiting for sleep to come. Also, sleeping up right to avoid making heartburn worse is not exactly comfortable. Not cool. I guess “infant sleep training” is already in effecting…meaning my body is preparing itself for little sleep again?

Oy. I’ll be back when I can get a nap. I have another nursery sneak peak coming soon :-)

Well, we’re finally here!

Welcome to our home:

We still have a ton of pictures and curtains to hang, but we’re here and we’ve gotten a lot done in just 5 days.  The rooms not shown are no where near as done. Our kitchen chairs are still not finished being painted white, we have a stroller in the kitchen (why?), I just was able to clear out the boxes in the play room/office a few hours ago, and Savannah’s room is a mess with a million stuffed animals, and every room is in desperate need of things on the walls.  But, it’s looking so good and we’re loving having our own space! After 5 days it’s starting to feel less like a hotel I designed and more like our home.

And, I have to brag on Savannah for a moment: She has done amazing with so many changes this week. Not just moving from the only house she’s ever known, but also moving out of her crib into a big bed AND saying goodbye to passy. All in one night!  I truly thought that giving up the passy would be the hardest, but she easily has forgotten about it without a single tear and has not asked for it since we told her the passy doesn’t come with her to the big girl room.  The only issues we’ve had is getting her to sleep the first few nights, understandably since it’s a whole new place AND bed. And then, she would wake up around 3am and be wide awake for 2 hours before finally giving into to sleep again (oh, the sleep deprived frustrations!).  I still think that’s minor to what it could have been, and thankfully each night has improved as she is getting even more comfortable. I can’t believe how grown up she seems in just the last few days, her third birthday is just 11 days away. Crazy!

And now, back to hanging and unboxing things…

Life is busy as usual, hense the lack of writing lately.

Here’s the run down of the past 10 days:

1. Remember this post when Savannah was 18 months old?  Well, the girl has suddenly decided that it’s time for the big girl bed and she’s been it for the past week!  It only took…over a year…I think she’s one of those kids she has to decide to do something for herself (so stubborn, not sure where she got that?). I imagine potty training will be the same way.

2.Naps are completely gone. And I don’t want them back.  She was sick this week and took naps for the first time in over a week and it totally screwed up her night time sleeping. She would go to bed at 10 or 11!  Not cool. So no, I don’t want nap time back if it’s going to be like this. I’ll take “rest time” where she reads herself books if that means she’ll actually go to bed at night.

3. Like I said, she was sick and sleeping horribly. So was Mark. It’s been a rough week taking care of two “babies” plus another midterm. I nearly lost my frustrated-exhausted-mommy-mind one night and I felt like a failure of a Mom. But, things are better now all around.  I guess we all have those breaking points, huh? Thank God for new days!

4. Oh yes, and more sleep issues (how many times have I written about this topic?): She won’t go to sleep unless some one is sitting at her door. Then she wakes up between 2-3am and insists that we sit at her door again until she is asleep. And if we don’t? She will keep getting up realizing that we aren’t there. And then I’m so annoyed and tired that I end up just going to sleep in her room. In short? She won’t sleep unless I’m in there. She’s always “scared” even if she has a million lights on and we are in the same room. And yes, she did this same thing when in the crib, it was just easier to fool her then. What to do?

5. We’ve looking at our housing options for when we move in the spring. Which, is pretty darn exciting to think about, especially since it may be a realistic option to buy instead of renting or even build because of the economy right now. We’re in the beginning stages of all this, so if you’ve got advice, lets here it!

So, that’s life right now. Busy. 

I always have blog posts written out in my head, but they never make it to my keyboard. But, soon I hope to get up a blog post about mommy frustrations, modpodge shoes, feminism, adoption awareness month, more O Momma Recommendations, and whatever else life throws at me that’s worthy of writing about.

Enjoy your weekend!

Senior year started last week, which is why I’ve been a little more quiet lately.  School semesters mean busy.  I’ve spent this past week reading not one but two novels (thankfully for two children’s literature classes, so they’re easy and enjoyable!), writing responses, and reading articles.  Most of my classes are very interesting and right up my ally so I’m enjoying it so far.

Oh, and the fact that I think Savannah’s nap time is over. Like, she’s done with regular naps forever. So that means I have little alone time to actually get things done. Perfect timing, huh?  I will probably at least make her have “quiet time” to rest where she can look at books and play quietly in her bed, but still an hour of quiet time versus the three hours she was napping is a lot less time to get things done! We did try to shorten her nap but that still didn’t always help her night time sleep. She was staying up until 10 or 11pm because she just wasn’t tired anymore after naps.  The past two days she has gone without naps and though we had a few whiny moments, she was relatively good and now? It’s 8:40 and she’s still sleeping! Over 12 hours!  Amazing. I suppose no naps has it’s pros and cons.

Cloth diapers are still going well. Mark even changed a diaper (it was even number two!) all by himself!  I was proud.  The micro insert stink issue I had, I solved by soaking just the inserts in bleach. That got everything out and has worked well to battle the smell so I’ll probably do that one a month to maintain it. I also think I wasn’t using enough Charlie’s Soap, I read that with Charlie’s you need the full scoop with each wash to really get things clean. Cloth diapering (and motherhood in general…) is a game of experiments. Each person has to find what’s right for them.

And just a reminder, tomorrow is the last day to enter for the Music Giveaway!

Ok yall, this past month has proven to be a trying one for us regarding Savannah.  Maybe it has something to do with “knowing” something is different with a new baby coming, maybe it’s just the fact that she’s 2 and fighting for any control she can get.  But, whatever it is, please help!

1)  She won’t eat. While this isn’t exactly a “new” thing, it’s normal for her to go through phases of not eating much and then suddenly being a pig again. The doctor has never been worried because it’s normal for kids to be like that and we figure she’ll eat when she’ hungry (heck, I’m the same way!). But for the past month she seriously refuses to eat, resulting in weight loss. Now, Savannah is already REALLY small for her age (like me) so she can’t afford to lose more weight than she already doesn’t have.  She asks for one thing and then asks for another, I used to oblige in hopes she would eat, but then I just end up with 2 plates of not touched wasted food.

She also suddenly is REALLY picky about what she will eat. The foods she used to love, she now won’t touch or will only eat a bite or two. She used to love meats as long as it had ketchup on it. Now all she will eat is fruit and veggies, which while it is healthy for her, it is NOT filling. Which leads me to my next issue…

2) She won’t sleep. I know I’ve said a million times that we’ve always had some kind of sleep issue or another with her. But usually those sleep phases are short lived and has reasons to them like sickness or teething.  This time? She is not sick, and all her teeth are in so the only conclusion I can find is that she is just scared and REALLY dependent on Mark or I being in the room with her while she sleeps, and I think she keeps waking up at night because she didn’t eat dinner, so she’s hungry (she always asks for a “sanwich” in the middle of the night). Also, I’ve found that the rare times she DOES eat a good dinner, her night wake up calls happens later (11pm versus 3 or 4am).  So I’m sure hunger has to do with part of it.

And then, back to the issue of her being scared or just dependent on us. I don’t know what to do about this. We’ve battled this a million times in her 2 years of life, usually crying it out or giving in is our only options. But, this time crying it out leads to me being awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night because SHE won’t give in.  Or even if I sit in there with her until she falls asleep, it takes her atleast an hour or two for her to fall back asleep. But, if one of us goes in there to sleep (and lays down on the bed versus sitting on the floor) she’ll go right out.  So basically, my husband and I haven’t slept in the same bed in weeks and I hate it.  I also can’t remember the last night we slept the whole night through, which is sad. I’m not used to this lifestyle anymore (guess she’s preparing me early for our December arrival?).

In the past we kind of “weaned” her from how long we would stay in there while she was falling asleep but she will NOT have that now.  If she cannot see us, even with the door wide open and she can hear us say “We’re right here” she freaks out. She has to know that we are physially right by her to go to sleep. She has to absolutely be asleep for us to be able to leave the room (or we just fall asleep there…) I can’t do this forever.

What to do? Help us!