I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

I feel like all I talk about is pregnancy and baby stuff now, so how about a Savannah update?

The biggest thing going on in her little life right now is that she started pre-school last week! It’s actually a Mom’s Morning Out program, but shhhh, she doesn’t know that.  It’s at a nearby church so she is learning about God and typical stuff like letters and getting to play with other kids her age twice a week 9-12. She absolutely loves it and jumped right in every time we have gone for tours, open house, etc. So, it wasn’t surprising when I dropped her off on the first day last week she ran off to play with barely telling me goodbye. It was surprising that I didn’t cry though :-) And me? I’m enjoying having a few hours a week to get things done like cleaning and writing. I can’t believe how big she is getting though, that she is old enough to go to school. She is definitely a big girl now, and a big girl attitude to go with it!

Seriously, her attitude and arguing is like trying to reason with a teenager some times (we are in trouble in 10 years!). That is by far the biggest frustration right now, thankfully most days are good overall. However, there are some days I feel like we argue in circles, constantly, about everything from how much cereal I gave her to what shoes she needs to wear to the park. I try to give choices but she can be one stubborn girl, wanting exactly the one thing she doesn’t need! One day about a month ago, I had to just go upstairs and cry. Like, sit in my dark closet and cry and pray because my patience was gone and I literally did not know what else to do.  So, life isn’t perfect always in my world. It is those moments and days that I want to keep Jaxson in forever, because I don’t know how I can handle a teenager in a 3 year old body and a newborn’s demands on little sleep. But, from what I hear, you just do it and it’ll come naturally. I hope so.

When she isn’t Ms. Attitude, she is absolutely on of the sweetest girls ever (and she will tell you that too! “Mommy I’m being sweet to you today!”). She helps me when I need it (sometimes…), like putting away dishes or picking something off the floor now that it’s hard to reach. She still will snuggle me on the couch and let me rock her. She has to have me scratch her back and snuggle her every night before bed. She sings Jaxson lullabies every night, “tickles” him, and carries on a conversation with him (aka…me in a baby voice) often. I really think she will be a great big sister, she’s ready to help and so excited for her little brother’s arrival.

And now if you excuse me…I have to pick her up from her school soon :-)

I can officially say, Savannah is a big girl. At 3 years old she has a twin sized bed, no more pacy, can get dressed by her self, and most importantly she can use the potty. All the time!

We’ve been trying sporadically to get her to use the bathroom rather than her diaper for the past year, but she is a stubborn girl. We tried reading books about it, sitting on the potty throughout the day, we put underwear on her to see if that would prompt some feeling of wanting to be a big girl but she would just get extremely upset when she had an accident. It wasn’t working, in my eyes she wasn’t ready and so I let her take the lead but still talk/encourage often.

It comes down to this: Kids will do it when they make up their mind to do it.

I’m the kind of Mom that doesn’t want to force her to do something she clearly isn’t ready for. Who cares if her friends can pee in her potty and Savannah hasn’t yet? It’s not a race. And I know certain family members (*ah hem* someone’s Daddy) that wasn’t potty trained until 4. I could make her sit on that potty all day and I know she wouldn’t do it.

But, it happened one magical night. We were putting her to bed, about to turn the light out and she said, “Mommy! I need to pee-pee!”  I, of course, knowing our potty history roll my eyes and say that she is making excuses to not go to bed, but she did it. And she said in her cute-all-knowing-3-year-old voice, “I told ya!” She made the choice to go potty and she did it. And…she’s been pretty much unstoppable since. She’s never been afraid of public restrooms or afraid of going #2 like I’ve heard other kids. It’s like she just flipped a switch inside and said, “Okay, I can do this!” and she’s already a pro.

And, can I say how nice it it? No worries of running out of diapers, the nasty diaper smell is gone, no more changes in the car while out and about, no more stuffing my purse with diapers. Sure I have to tend to her at each potty break during the day and night, but this is so nice to have a break from diaper duty :-)

No more diapers! At least for 4 more months…

I woke up Sunday, mentally planning my day in my head and I had a nagging feeling I had homework to do like I normally do on Sundays. Not anymore! Ever! Today is my first day “free,” a day I should be in class but instead am home like I will be for who knows how long.  Savannah got up super early this morning and so a I sipped a cup of coffee and started my day with the a reminder from the Bible about God’s stability. I sat outside at 7 am, taking turns between watching her jump in puddles and dance with a zebra umbrella while I read from a devotional and related scriptures.  Normally rainy gray days and 5:30 wake up calls would make for a grumpy mommy, but today my heart is full with gratitude and couldn’t help but see the beauty in the rain today. I saw it in the joy on her face as she stomped in puddles and squished her toes in mud. The joy in being wake to see the sky slowly light up behind the clouds. The joy in being outside before most of the neighborhood was even awake and hearing the pitter-patter rain up close and personal. I saw it in the verses I read, the reminder of God being there, a stability in life, even when I haven’ t been tuned in to Him.

Mark left for work this morning and told me, “Have a great first day of the rest of your life!” And that is exactly what today feels like. It feels like a brand new page turned, a new chapter in this life of mine.  It feels like a new beginning where I can focus on a new part of me, to be a hands-on Mom I didn’t have time to be before, the wife who can actually keep up with the dishes and laundry, a writer who can write again, a child who can actually hear the voice of God once more. I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know exactly what this chapter holds. I know that I have my own visions and plans, but I know also that God will “establish my steps” (Proverbs 16:9) and things will happen in His way and His time. That’s comforting.

So, here’s to the first day of the rest of my life. May it hold many beautiful things like this rainy morning.

P.S. Pregnant or know some one that is? There is a new review up (see, I have time for things again!) on “The Hot Mom to Be Handbook” by Jessica Denay.

3 years ago today at 9:22pm, a little girl entered our lives…

changing us forever.

I tend to sit and reflect on my children’s birthdays (or even my own). Birthdays aren’t just about celebrating for me, but a time to look back and see the growth, changes, and looking forward to what is to come this new birth year.

I honestly have a hard time remembering Savannah ever being that tiny newborn pictured above, or even as a toddling one year old.  It seems like we’ve always had this intelligent, curious, sassy little girl.

The two’s were filled with…well…two year old behavior. One minute she was my best little buddy and the next she was throwing a tantrum because it was time to leave the library. But even on a long, frustrating day there was always a redeeming moment that made the whole battle worth it; Like her falling asleep in my arms as if she was a baby again, or making up a new game before bedtime. Those moments are what keeps us Moms hanging on.

The two’s exploded our home with new words and an imagination that doesn’t stop, even at 2 am.  New skills emerged, like discovering her love to be crafty or cook like her momma, learning numbers and letters, how to build with blocks or finish puzzles.  The two’s brought new stories and voices (coming from the two year old mind/mouth) of princess dolls, Thomas the train, or anything she felt needed a voice. It seems like a new discovery was made every single day, it was a mind blowing year of development. It was the year we finally got sleep issues under control. The year she finally gave up the pacy and crib, officially becoming a “big girl.”

And now, we have a three year old. I imagine that means even more development, independence, and sassy attitude but I hope it also means more great memories as she blooms into the person she is.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! We love you, oh, so, very much.

My, how we’ve come so far in just 3 years.

As individuals and as a family.

Well, we’re finally here!

Welcome to our home:

We still have a ton of pictures and curtains to hang, but we’re here and we’ve gotten a lot done in just 5 days.  The rooms not shown are no where near as done. Our kitchen chairs are still not finished being painted white, we have a stroller in the kitchen (why?), I just was able to clear out the boxes in the play room/office a few hours ago, and Savannah’s room is a mess with a million stuffed animals, and every room is in desperate need of things on the walls.  But, it’s looking so good and we’re loving having our own space! After 5 days it’s starting to feel less like a hotel I designed and more like our home.

And, I have to brag on Savannah for a moment: She has done amazing with so many changes this week. Not just moving from the only house she’s ever known, but also moving out of her crib into a big bed AND saying goodbye to passy. All in one night!  I truly thought that giving up the passy would be the hardest, but she easily has forgotten about it without a single tear and has not asked for it since we told her the passy doesn’t come with her to the big girl room.  The only issues we’ve had is getting her to sleep the first few nights, understandably since it’s a whole new place AND bed. And then, she would wake up around 3am and be wide awake for 2 hours before finally giving into to sleep again (oh, the sleep deprived frustrations!).  I still think that’s minor to what it could have been, and thankfully each night has improved as she is getting even more comfortable. I can’t believe how grown up she seems in just the last few days, her third birthday is just 11 days away. Crazy!

And now, back to hanging and unboxing things…

I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

The people: Mommy and Savannah

The scene: Savannah is playing with a Micky Mouse Train ornament while Mommy is watching her go around and around the coffee table saying, “Choo choo!”

The dialouge:

Mommy: *smelling something stinky* Savannah, do you have a poop?

Savannah: *gives me a funny look* No, that’s the coal. We don’t change the coal!

Apparently her and Micky train are one, and her poops fuel his engine. LOL!  Her imagination has really taken off in the past few weeks and it’s so fun to hear her take things she’s learning (like that trains need coal) or things she hears from us daily (like after her juice is gone she has to drink water) being interjected into her playtime.  It’s so funny!

I love being her Mom :-)

I’m starting to think there are certain stages of childhood that different parents can “do” better. Have you ever heard of that? I have some where before, and it’s certainly ringing true right now.

My ideal stage in parenthood? Babies. I can do the baby stage quite well. I feel like I was made to spend my days nursing, rocking, cooing, making baby food, changing diapers, making a little human smile, and teaching them basic things in life like how to roll over. I can do that, I love doing those thing. Yes, it’s a very tiring stage and physically demanding, but I feel like my personality better suites me in this “quieter”  stage and less mobility (this would make a great research paper idea, no?). I could just sit and rock Savannah for hours, or let her have tummy time while I folded laundry. I could also get more homework done and got better grades, strangely.

But, babies grow up. And this toddler business? Is kicking my mommy butt.  The attempt at discipline, the tantrums, the picky eating, the STILL not sleeping, the fight for independence, the arguing over everything, all the “Why, why, why’s!”, the screaming bloody murder when we have to leave public places. Savannah and I are constantly butting heads right now.  This day, this week, this month, has been a huge test and thank God I don’t get graded on my parenting. I would be failing, or at least I feel I would be (though others say I’m doing just fine and all this is normal). The terrible twos have arrived. And quite frankly, I hate it.

Mark though? He is much better at this toddler thing. He can do the disciplining, he has the playful energy and imagination that it takes. He can trick her into eating her meal and or leave the store without screaming. Sure, he gets frustrated at times too, but he thrives more as a parent during this stage than he did in the baby stage. I guess that’s what teamwork is all about, eh? Each of us have our strengths that balance out the other. Too bad he’s at work all day.

I won’t lie, some times I hate motherhood. And please, do not read that as hating my child. I can hate the motherhood duties some times, but I could never hate her for the person she is. The fact is, this work is hard. That’s real motherhood for you, folks.

And then…this motherhood life redeems itself in small ways and makes a hard day worth while.  Before bed tonight, Savannah laid in my arms and we made up a new game that left us both giggling.  Thank God for little moments. I would surely go crazy without a visit from Jekyll when all I’ve seen is Miss Hyde.

Life is busy as usual, hense the lack of writing lately.

Here’s the run down of the past 10 days:

1. Remember this post when Savannah was 18 months old?  Well, the girl has suddenly decided that it’s time for the big girl bed and she’s been it for the past week!  It only took…over a year…I think she’s one of those kids she has to decide to do something for herself (so stubborn, not sure where she got that?). I imagine potty training will be the same way.

2.Naps are completely gone. And I don’t want them back.  She was sick this week and took naps for the first time in over a week and it totally screwed up her night time sleeping. She would go to bed at 10 or 11!  Not cool. So no, I don’t want nap time back if it’s going to be like this. I’ll take “rest time” where she reads herself books if that means she’ll actually go to bed at night.

3. Like I said, she was sick and sleeping horribly. So was Mark. It’s been a rough week taking care of two “babies” plus another midterm. I nearly lost my frustrated-exhausted-mommy-mind one night and I felt like a failure of a Mom. But, things are better now all around.  I guess we all have those breaking points, huh? Thank God for new days!

4. Oh yes, and more sleep issues (how many times have I written about this topic?): She won’t go to sleep unless some one is sitting at her door. Then she wakes up between 2-3am and insists that we sit at her door again until she is asleep. And if we don’t? She will keep getting up realizing that we aren’t there. And then I’m so annoyed and tired that I end up just going to sleep in her room. In short? She won’t sleep unless I’m in there. She’s always “scared” even if she has a million lights on and we are in the same room. And yes, she did this same thing when in the crib, it was just easier to fool her then. What to do?

5. We’ve looking at our housing options for when we move in the spring. Which, is pretty darn exciting to think about, especially since it may be a realistic option to buy instead of renting or even build because of the economy right now. We’re in the beginning stages of all this, so if you’ve got advice, lets here it!

So, that’s life right now. Busy. 

I always have blog posts written out in my head, but they never make it to my keyboard. But, soon I hope to get up a blog post about mommy frustrations, modpodge shoes, feminism, adoption awareness month, more O Momma Recommendations, and whatever else life throws at me that’s worthy of writing about.

Enjoy your weekend!