I’ve been working on another post but this is far more important than my hair right now (sorry, you’ll just have to wait to see the “new” me until another day).

If you haven’t heard the news yet, Christian musican Steven Curtis Chaman‘s 5 year old daughter, Maria, was killed yesterday in their own drive way by their son’s (I believe?) car accidentally. I cannot even imagine what they are going through right now, especially with all that is going on in their lives. I know there isn’t much I can do but to pray for peace and that they are seeking God during this hard time. So, if you’re are the praying type, would you please lift this family up in your prayers? If you aren’t the praying type, how about sending some good thoughts their way.

They have set up a blog specifically in honor of Maria to leave condolences and share a video that lets you get to know Maria a little more. She was obviously a very happy little girl, my heart goes out to them.

Don’t forget to hug and love on your children today, and always. You never know when things like this could happen. Treasure every moment, that’s what I’m off to do.

Well, I did it. I watched the movie, “Juno” last night.  I’ve been curious to see it since it came out, but have been nervous to see it for fear of the emotions aroused.  And you know what? I didn’t cry.  And I think that says something in it’s self, that it didn’t portray the birth mother perspective well.  Little emotions were shown in her decision process or at the hospital, and NON afterwards.  After leaving the hospital is the most difficult time, why did they just paint it out like she popped the baby out and everything was “normal” again.  As some one who has experienced placing, I can tell you that her life is never normal again.  Leaving the hospital empty armed is like a knife stuck in your heart. And yea, that pain subsides but it doesn’t just go away magically like they show it to be.

Oh, I know! Because we’re America and we like happy ending that tie up neatly.  We like our happy feelings and minimize the pain. I get that, I do. But then, I don’t think an adoption plan is a good thing to put in a movie.

I hated that this movie made me feel like people would judge all birth mothers on this character. Like we all got knocked up and immediately disregarded the baby as our own, wanting to give it away just so we can go back to “normal.”  For some, maybe that is true. But I know when I was pregnant, and my birth mom friends as well, it took months of pain and agony to make that choice. For me, it took 7 months of tears and prayers to realize that was what I needed to do and to accept it.  I’m not saying that I want to see my exact story on the screen (every story is different, it’d be impossible to please everyone, I know) I’m just wondering about the effects this  movie has on the perspective people have on birth mothers.

I also really could not stand the relationships in this movie, mainly between Juno and the adoptive dad.  Disgusting. Maybe it’s just my issue with being abused as a child (and therefore my fear), but a grown man and a 16 year old should not “bond” like that.

And lastly, I didn’t like the foul language.  I don’t understand how using curse words portray anything intelligent at all. There was more in this movie than I care to hear.  Oh, and I felt like the story line didn’t flow well.  There are parts I’m still sitting here confused about. Oh well, I won’t be watching it again to try and figure it out.

I’m not saying that this movie didn’t have any truth or good moments in it, cause it did. But over all? Juno is not a movie for me. What’s your opinion (that’s the key word here, opinion. Please don’t get defensive at my views)?  Most birth mothers I’ve talked with seem to have an opinion similar to mine but some see more in it than I did, an adoptive mother wrote that she loved it and thought it portrayed adoptive parents well. The media obviously loved it. Why?

I honestly don’t cry often. It either gets suppressed because it’s at the wrong moment, or something really has to move my heart to physically cry the tears that I need to cry.

Well, this did it. It’s an update on Audrey’s family, a letter her mom wrote to share with the world those last moments and their love for her…and to share pictures. I just cannot explain what an amazing example this family is, Audrey definitely served God’s purpose and has brought change in so many lives–though painful–for the better. Why? Because their family is displaying the ultimate peace that He can provide and it’s brought people to know Christ personally. It’s touched lives that may already know Christ, but to pursue that relationship stronger. It’s taught us to treasure every moment.

I encourage you to read this letter, and again, take a moment to pray for them. Be inspired by their strength that can only come from Christ. But also be warned though, it’s emotional. Tears are cleaning though.

The song by Mercy Me, “Bring The Rain,” has never rang more true when I think of this family and how I can apply this to my own life:

“Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory

And I know there’ll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that’s what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain”

I’m a little late posting this (school is consuming me), but I thought it was important to share regardless.

I have an online friend, Hillary, that I’ve known since I was pregnant with Kaylee. She was there via instant messenger to support me through both my pregnancies. We were pregnant with our second children at the same time. We’ve shared experiences that are the same, and many more experiences that are different but it’s our children and faith that bring us together.

This woman has been through a lot in the years I’ve known her. Her second son, Liam, was born last April 9th, happy and healthy as could be and when I came back from my honeymoon I found out that he had died of SIDS. He died on May 17th for unknown reasons. I felt awful that while I was rejoicing in my new marriage, she was heartbroken with grief for her 5 and half week old. I cannot even imagine what this past year has been like for her and her family, coming to terms with his very early loss. It makes me treasure Savannah even more.

This past Wednesday was April 9th, which would be Liam’s first birthday. In honor of him, Hillary asked that people write a note to him and release balloons. Mark’s brother and I did just that. We each wrote a note that I will be mailing to Hillary for her scrapbook, and captured the release on camera to send to her as well. I hope Liam enjoyed his balloons as he watched from above.

Please also keep this family in your prayers. I know this is a very emotional time for Hillary and her son Jayden (4 years old). With Hillary’s loss and the loss of baby Audrey, death and grief has been surrounding us lately, even in one of my classes we’re discussing death. It frightens me how quickly and unexplained someone can be taken away. I know that’s where God should come in to bring healing and comfort, but some times that’s hard to accept.

(Yes, I know presence is spelled wrong. It’s my curse. I can’t spell or use grammar correctly.)

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As a side note (or under note?) Another friend over at Live, Laugh, Blog is having an awesome giveaway!  Go check it out and lift those spirits back up.

It’s starting to be a hectic time for us in the O Home as the semester is winding down. Which means, professors wind it up even more and pile assignments, tests and papers on the double. So forgive me if I’m absent in the next few weeks without much worth-while content, but for today? This is weighing on my heart heavy, much more than my selfish world.

Live, Laugh, Blog posted this prayer request for Bring the Rain earlier today and I just had to pass it on. Angie at Bring the Rain is set to have her daughter, Audrey, via C-section today at 4pm. But, Audrey will not be able to survive out of her mother’s womb due to several health conditions. I didn’t know about Angie’s blog until today but reading over her posts have deeply moved me. She is a strong, beautiful woman that sincerly loves the Lord and trusts in His plan for their family.

Please, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine what they have been feeling as they approach this day and what they will be going through after. Please pray for peace through all this. Angie is a wonderful example of what a dedicated life to Christ is. I can just picture her standing in the rain, arms wide open soaking up the love Christ has for her, trusting that He’ll provide and protect their family through this time.

Things like this remind me of what life is really about and all the things we take for granted. Coincidently, this is exactly what we’re talking about in our church small group. Oranges become so much more valuable than rubies. I know Angie is treasuring her pregnancy and short time with her little girl more than most Mom’s ever do.

Lord, be with them. I know You are.

Edit:  Audrey Caroline was born at 4:31 this afternoon and is now in the Lord’s arms after a few hours here on earth with her family. Let’s continue to keep this family in our prayers. I cannot even imagine…

Ever since I did my speech on Saturday, besides the confidence boost, I’ve also had a heavy heart. Coincidently Mrs. R has had the same thoughts going on and her post spoke of it well.

She put up a great article by Adoption Option, Old Think vs. New Think, for questions expectant moms may have regarding adoption:

If I find myself unexpectedly pregnant, abortion and single parenting are my only choices.

There is a third choice, one that has proven to be a success for birth mothers and children–the adoption option.

I would never consider adoption–it would be too hard.

Which ever choice you make will present many hardships–adoption may be no more difficult than abortion or single parenting.

My friends and family will think I’m terrible giving up my own flesh and blood.

Adoption is not “giving up,” it is giving to–a decision you have carefully made out of love for the future of your child and yourself.

I’ll never know what happened to my baby. I simply couldn’t live that way.

The old way of doing adoptions (secrecy and no control) is out. The new way–open adoption–allows you to make the decisions regarding the future of your child and yourself. (refer to Glossary of Adoption Terms and “Kristina’s Story”)

Why adoption? Isn’t it just for people who can’t have their own kids?

Not necessarily true. Yes, some people cannot biologically conceive, but adoption provides a family for a child, not a child for a family.

Kids who are adopted have lots of problems.

Not founded in fact. Refer to the Search Institute Study. Children who are adopted have, among other characteristics, high self-esteem and positive identity concerns at rates as high or higher than their peers.

(I would add that yea, some children do have issues, but I think a lot of that depends on the openess of the adoption and the family that is chosen to parent. My experience? Kaylee, as well as the other adopted kids I know, are as normal as can be.)

What about me? I feel it’s my responsibility to raise my child.

Your responsibility is to make the very best and informed decision that you can for your child. Studies show that birth mothers who make an adoption plan typically move on with their life, finish their education, have a career, and eventually marry.

My heart just breaks for young moms and their children, like the ones I mingled with this weekend, that end up feeling hopeless. And it reflects in their attitudes and their relationship with their child. I just hope and pray that some how they get back on track. I’m not saying adoption is the answer to an issue, it’s just one to better lives. It seems like many young moms decide against adoption and still don’t attempt to better their lives in any way. They end up still on the same dead path with abusive boyfriends and living in poverty. What kind of life is that? Doesn’t sound like fun to me. I wish people could see the potential in themselves to make things better in one way or another.

No path in life is easy, but some things are worth a little pain to gain more–and give more–in life.

Adoption stuff is getting to me tonight. Most days I think of Kaylee and smile, but tonight, my heart hurts.

It’s been showing up everywhere this evening. I flipped open a prayer book to a random page, and of course, it was a story about a family pursuing adoption. Thankfully, it was one of those amazing couples that seeks God throughout the process, thought of the birth mother’s experience and feelings above their own, prayed for her constantly and were open to sharing their child’s life together with the birth mother. Sounds familiar. Sounds a lot like my (our) story.

And then on Dr. Phil there was a clip of a 15 year old pregnant girl (at the time) and her update now with her son and adoptive parents. I’m pretty sure I watched that show back in 2004 or 2005 when it originally aired (and I cried, it hit close to home).

Often I look down at Savannah, especially when she’s drinking a bottle or sleeping, and it looks just like Kaylee. Little reminders.

It just all gets so real and raw some times. Like I said, most days my heart is so content and at peace with our life and my decision. But tonight? My heart aches. It’s not even about missing being a mom to Kaylee. I miss her, but I miss her family, too. We haven’t seen or hardly even talked since December when we had our Christmas visit. The most I’ve gotten is a few pictures in the mail, maybe one phone call, and a brief email saying they plan on coming to Savannah’s birthday party.

I know. I know I should feel lucky to even have that compared to other’s adoption experiences. But I keep comparing our relationship now, that hardly exists beyond pictures and trying to find time to talk to each other, to how it used to be with visits every month, spending the night with them for days, baby siting, phone calls all the time, pictures galore, etc. It just hurts some times to think of how we’ve strayed.

I wish life would slow down. I’m missing out of Kaylee’s life. They’re missing out on our life. I wish we would make time for each other again. I wish we would make our relationship a priority again. For Kaylee to know us as her biological family, for Savannah to know her sister. And selfishly, for my own heart.

Savannah is slowly getting better. Yesterday had it’s horrible, driving me insane moments. Sick baby = whiny baby. And that? Isn’t so much fun to listen to all day. And not to be able do simple tasks like eat, pee, and sit because she was glued to me the whole day and I had to be standing.

Thankfully, the fever seems to be gone today. But, as soon as pain medication wears off she gets whiny again, so I’m guessing she still feels achy and miserable on the inside. Poor girl. She did wake up a few times last night but get this…we all slept in until 8 am! Non-parents will not understand the true luxury of this. But for us? With a child who some times gets up at 4:00 am? 8 am is amazing.

And then. When Savannah went down for a 2 hour nap, Mark and I slept to! We’re all well rested today. It’s wonderful! And it feels so nice outside, like spring. See, I knew better days would come!

Also, if you’ve noticed I now have (tasteful) ads on the left from BlogherAds. I’m so, so excited about this! Part of the main reason I wanted to switch to my own website was to take advantage of their opportunity of putting up ads to make some kind of profit with this blog I love. Plus, I just love BlogHer and it’s a good way to promote it and other great bloggers! It’s an honor to be apart of such a great company, with other awesome bloggers and a great staff. Go check them out.

Adding on to the feeling of coming unglued…my daughter is officially 11 months old and 1 day. *cries*

I keep flashing back to a year ago, myself with a HUGE (and I mean painfully huge…) baby belly. The picture to the left is me a year ago, the day I turned 9 months pregnant with one month until her birth. Having just moved out of the maternity home (I don’t think I’ve written much about that…maybe I should.) and into Mark’s parent’s house by the grace of God. I spent my days washing, folding and organizing hand me down baby clothes, trying to make her little space just perfect. And then I refolded and reorganized some more. I was quiet and kept to my self, because it’s kind awkward when you first move in with your fiance’s parents. My back always hurt like crazy, so the heating pad was my best friend. I couldn’t sleep due to the massive belly, elbows nudging my tight skin from the inside, and horrible (HORRIBLE!) indigestion (and to think I want to do this all again?).

Yes, I was ready for Savannah to come.

And then I think about meeting and holding my little girl for the first time. I’d done that part before with Kaylee, but the kicker was coming home with Savannah and I was an official parent. The sleepless nights, up every 2 hours trying to master breastfeeding and contain the yellow oozing poo. It was quite the adventure that I don’t know how we survived. And my heart just sighs because I can hardly remember that little tiny baby I once held. We used to spend hours sitting in the rocking chair her feeding, me staring. So new and precious. The wild, crazy, laughing girl I see now is totally different. She is not a tiny baby anymore, she’s a little toddler. It’s hard to let go of that, but it’s a wonderful thing as well.

And thus, more reason for my heavy heart and sad days lately. My little girl is growing up way too fast.

How has it already been a year?

I’m in some kind of funk.  I’m not sure why, or what it is, or what to do about it. But I am. I don’t know what to write about any more.  I normally have all sorts of ideas bouncing through my head (the problem is when do I have time to write them down!). I walk around the house without talking much to anyone except Savannah, of course.  I hardly smile, except to Savannah, because who can’t NOT smile at her bright laughter and silly faces. Things feel hopeless right now. My dreams that I have for my life feel like I will never reach them, I’m drawing away from God instead of closer. In short, I’m just not me.  What’s up?

I’m partially blaming it on the winter blues.  After Christmas happens there isn’t much of winter to look forward to so, I’m ready for spring. For flower blossoms, new life, green grass and warm weather.  I’m tired of these freezing frosty mornings, bare limbs and patches of muddy grass. Just looking out side is depressing! Each morning lately a fog has hung low in a creepy way.  I need a sunny day.  It’s weird how the weather can have such an effect.

Plus, mix this with a child who thinks it’s cool to wake up some where between 3:30-5 am ready to play, having trouble sleeping when she is sleeping, and a very long day of classes.  And all the other house/wife/mom/Christian stuff.  I feel my edges coming unglued. My life feels so out of wack and off balanced right now.

And of course, the shocking news of Heath Ledger’s death yesterday has left me uneasy.  It was just a complete shock for me (well, for everyone I think) and threw me off guard.  A death always shakes me up a little and it just boggles my mind that some one can be here and alive and then *poof* they’re gone. I just can’t wrap my head around that.  I can’t wrap my mind around a body just being a body..and lifeless…and mine (or Marks…or Savannah’s…or my Mom’s? *gulp*) will be that one day? Of course, myself as a Christian I shouldn’t fear death because I KNOW I will be in Heaven one day (as most of my family)…but I do. I fear it.  And I fear loosing the people I love, so each death that happens around me, whether I know them or not, unnerves me.  It reminds me that life is very short and things can happen without explanation or expecting it.

Go hug your loved ones.  Treasure life.

 (Again, sorry for all the blah posts lately.  It will get better, spring will come. Happiness will come. And, hopefully some balance!)