Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

Like I said before, 2010 was a fabulous year for me. I realized though after posting that there was so much more to it than just materialistic things like our new house, car, and my graduation diploma…there were prayers answered. It was God-filled. While certainly I feel like God blessed us with being able to purchase our own house and replace my falling apart car with a new one…things happened in 2010 that cannot be bought for any price. 

I can easier admit now that after my miscarriage of the twins, I was left doubting God and quite frankly was angry at Him. How could he take away my babies? I am fertile-myrtle, things like that don’t happen to me! Strangely though, I did have peace in their loss even as it happened and knew that it happen for a reason, but I still held on to blaming God for that hurt in my life as time went by. Thankfully though, God has used Jaxson’s pregnancy to help me overcome that, to trust Him again and prove that He is still trustworthy even when things don’t happen as we think they should.  Essentially, I feel He has used Jaxson’s pregnancy and birth to bring so many blessings and answered prayers in my life this past year. I clung to God as I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson because otherwise fear overcame me that I would lose that pregnancy, too. As many of us know, that desperation of no where else to turn is what brings us closer to God, and I’m thankful for that even though its hard!  Then, as Jaxson’s birth neared I clung to Him even more as I prepared to give birth the way I felt He intended it to be…naturally. As a result, He put so many wonderful people and resources in my path that helped me through my journey and were a huge support.  I truly feel like God was present at Jaxson’s birth, from giving me the strength to do it naturally, to watching over us as Jax came out with the cord around his neck four times and myself bleeding too much afterward.  Many people, especially family, were skeptical or worried about Jaxson’s birth and us using a birth center outside of the hospital but I felt in the depths of my heart that God had promised this birth to me in the way I desired and I held onto that promise.  He was our strength and protector.

Also, a huge answered prayer was a simple one: friends. Being a young Mom and wife, a birthmom, a Christian, etc. I have often felt like I don’t always “fit in.”  Really, more like caught in the middle.  Especially when I was still in college, I wasn’t a typical collage student that partied or lived near campus to be able to join in with people I met in classes. I went to school and went straight home to my baby girl and husband, and that was totally fine with me! But, it also felt odd to try to get to know women who did have a husband and kids because I am, well, usually a lot younger than them. Not that it bothers me at all to hang out with people older than me, but I just don’t want to be judged by my youngness. My life style was a mix of the “young” crowd and the “stay at home mom” crowd but with no one place to accommodate both. So, basically, Mark and I were our own best friends and my only other close friends lived hours and states away like Breannaor Victoria. I know my online friendships have value and are blessings in themselves but, of course, I really craved having someone (or a few someones!) that I could get to know really well locally. I wanted to be able call someone up for coffee each week or have a playdate with our kids while we chatted. I seriously prayed for years that God would bring some one that 1) was Christian that I could have spiritual conversations with 2) had kids so they understood my lifestyle.  And finally, in 2010 that happened. Not one, but several friends (thanks to my favorite Mommy Network!) that I can call and vent things to, to pray with me, to encourage each other, to watch our kids play together…such huge blessing! Now in 2011 I pray that Mark can find that same connection with men in our area because I know he is feeling just as I was and I know its hard at times. Life with friends to share and do things with is much sweeter!

So, in 2011 I pray that we are even more God-filled. That I can grow closer to God, to go to chuch more than 1 time a month, break out of my shell to actually get connected and know people, like through a small group. I pray that I can have a heart to serve just as others have helped me this past year when I needed it. I pray Mark feels that calling to God too, gets connected with others, and we in-turn grow together as a married couple in Christ. I pray that this year we truly realize that our body is a temple and we should treat it that way…therefore eating healthier as a family. I pray Savannah continues to grow in and learn about God (more on that soon!). I pray all my kids, whether with me or not, are safe, healthy, and know they are loved by me and God.

Seriously, 2010 was the best year ever. In so many ways. I sit here with a sleeping baby boy in my lap, warm and cozy in my house, a diploma in my possession resembling goals met and hardwork, beautiful snow on the ground, playdates planned for later this week, and I can’t help but feel blessedly fuzzy inside. Thank you, God, for everything. I know 2011 can be just as filled, if not more, with us clinging to Him as our foundation.

Remember my 2008 goals?  Well, I’ve (we’ve) gotten started on the getting closer to God part. Mark and I have read the Bible and prayed every single night.  My new Bible has been good help guiding us to the topics we’d like to read about. And, since we are (finally) back home we made it to church this morning (which, was an excellent service).

I’m a firm believer that if you ask, you will receive. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we’ll get the answer/opportunity/whatever that you expected because God knows what is truly best for us, but we will receive something (but in His timing).  Well, one of the goals I had in mind for 2008 was to work on our marriage. Like I said, there are no serious problems between us, but I’d rather learn the best way to communicate and avoid serious issues all together right now from the start. So, today at church we found out that there is an opportunity to go to a marriage retreat the weekend for Savannah’s birthday (but, I’ll have to miss a friend’s baby shower…but I think marriage is more of a priority, yes?).  And so, God has opened the door to not only creating a closer relationship for Mark and I, but between us and God as well.  He is a good God, and He does listen.

But about that working out part?  Bleh…we’re not there yet.

I got a new Bible today that I’m very, very excited about . I had gotten one as a Christmas present, but I’m the kind of girl that needs/likes extra “stuff” within the pages to help me understand and reflect more about what I’m reading. So, I exchanged it for the TNIV version True Identity: The Bible for Women. It’s focused for woman in their 20′s and 30′s just beginning in the more adult world (instead of teen issues, like the Bibles I have now) and truly finding themselves in Christ and discovering who they are in Christ (and moving out of the bounds of I am so and so’s Mom or the president of x company). It has pages with some myths of the world (like: if I have children I will be happy, if I just loose 10 pounds I’ll be happy, I NEED these pair of shoes! And more spiritual/religious based ones like: it’s not important to go to church if my personal relationship with God is good, God doesn’t want me to have any fun, if I’m a Christian God won’t let anything bad happen to me, etc. ) and God’s view of them. Pages that help you get to know the woman of the Bible more, questions that get you thinking or talking with others, and parts that help summarize who God is. Of course, the most important part is God’s word it’s self, but these added areas just help me understand and connect with it more in a practical daily way.

Plus, it’s just pretty to look at. The cover (shown above) is one of my favorite colors of green with beautiful tulips, and all the text inside is blue and green!

It also has great tips on how to have a closer relationship with Christ, how to write your testimony, and how to be a mentor for others. I was skimming through and came across a tip to keep a journal just between you and God, writing down what you are learning through reading the Bible, your prayers, and how you’ve seen God working in your life. I’m glad I read that! Often it’s not enough for me to just read, it doesn’t sink in and go further reaching to the heart (even with school material, it’s the same way) and how neat it is to look back weeks, months or even years to see the changes.

During my pregnancy with Kaylee (especially after her adoption plan) and up until I went to college, I was the closest I have ever been in my relationship with God. It was a beautiful experience and I really want that back again. That was when journaling and writing began such a huge part of my life and I realized the gift that He’d given me with words. I used to keep a special journal, away from the internet and the eyes of other people just between me and God. I was single for over 2 years during that time, knowing, waiting and trusting that God would bring me my true love next (and He did!). But it was very lonely and I longed for a relationship, so I even have secret letters and written prayers to my future husband with in that journal. I had totally forgotten about all this until I read the tip tonight. If I can find it…that would be a great place to start some couple devotional and prayer time, wouldn’t it?

I’m excited. And that is the first step towards one of my resolutions: Get closer to God again. Excitement is motivation and motivation means I’ll actually DO it and get started. In fact, instead of wasting my night here on the computer like usual, I think I will go read!