My pregnancy insomnia is getting worse. No matter how exhausted I am, I lay there for hours. What’s funny is that I’m not even uncomfortable right now. My bed is perfect amount of softness/hardness balance that my hips and back haven’t been hurting during the night for the most part. The nightly heartburn I was having is magically gone since this little guy has decided to start dropping already (I’m 32 weeks now). But I. just. can’t. sleep. My brain won’t stop working.

The other night it was so bad I finally just got out of bed at 2am to make a list to get it out of my head, but still wasn’t tired so stayed awake until 4am on the computer. Then I finally crashed until 9am.   I’ve decided it’s worse to actually get up instead of just laying there, thinking and dosing.  It took pregnancy brain to a whole new level…one of wearing my shirt backwards all day in public and two different shoes. Granted, the shoes were at least both black flip flops but they were slightly different. And the shirt? I kept wondering why I had to keep pulling it down to cover my belly. I thought maybe I had just out grown yet another shirt until I was washing my hands in the bathroom at a store and saw my tag in the mirror. Oy. I hope no one noticed…

You would think that after a non-sleeping night it would be easy-peasy to get some sleep the next night. Nope. I went to bed at 8am barely able to keep my eyes open and still laid there until 9:30 when I finally took a benedryl to help. Once that wore off I was back in a non-stop-brain thinking mode. Any suggestions of a more natural way to get some sleep?!

31 weeks! You should see the looks I get when people ask how much longer I have.

They pretty much get bug-eyed.

The point of pregnancy where no matter how exhausted you are, you just can’t sleep. Heartburn is happening every night now, on top of a small cold. I’m just plain exhausted during the day usually, plan to go to bed early, and yet by night time I just lay in bed waiting for sleep to come. Also, sleeping up right to avoid making heartburn worse is not exactly comfortable. Not cool. I guess “infant sleep training” is already in effecting…meaning my body is preparing itself for little sleep again?

Oy. I’ll be back when I can get a nap. I have another nursery sneak peak coming soon :-)

The Extra Advantages.

A front parking space at Earthfare? Why, thank you!

Once I was given more food at Bojangles because she could tell “I needed it” (and with my appetite, yes I did!). And in general, it seems like people offer more help in daily life with little things or caring how I feel physically.

It’s just nice to feel a little more valuable for a few months :-)

(And, I’m still enjoying my pregnant body at nearly 7 months along. Who wants to bet that will soon be changing as the 3rd trimester begins and this belly takes over the planet with it’s largeness?)

I know I’ve been missing lately. We’ve been busy with lots of play dates, trips, even a concert and getting to ride the real life Thomas the Train. More on all that later :-)

Right now I wanted to share something special I stumbled on a fellow “rainbow mommy” blog. What is a rainbow parent? Someone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, failed adoption, etc. and is expecting a new child after the loss. Expecting after a loss definitely is a scary place to be at times, but exciting. It’s a time of hope that this time it will be different, but also a place of vulnerability and fear, just like I experienced during the first trimester. (I can’t help but feel so blessed looking back and reading those scared posts, thank you God for Jaxson!)

Stephanie is the artist of Beyond Words Designs and she wants to share her gift of art with other rainbow parents in hopes that the art will bring healing and excitement for the new little one. Her daughter Amelia was stillborn this past March and so she knows the pain and grief all to well (you can read her story her). Thankfully though, she has taken her gift and used it to help her through her own grief as well as other parents, resulting in beautiful and meaningful artwork!

And, she is helping us small-budget rainbow parents by offering 50% off her Fanciful Collection for rainbow parents until August 7th. Visit her website for examples and promotion rules. I normally wouldn’t buy something like this since I’m kinda artsy myself and had plans of doing my own letter J for Jaxson’s room (using fabric, not paint) but I really wanted to support a fellow rainbow mom and her talent :-) I can’t wait to see what she comes up with for his room! Of course, I will share the results when I receive it.

(Note: I am purchasing with my own moo-lah and was not paid to promote Beyond Words Designs)

Today…was a very big and fun day in so many ways.

1) I went to the giant Ikea store for the first time. Oh. my. gosh. Designer heaven. Did I ever mention I used to want to study to be an interior designer?  I wouldn’t want to be responsible for some one else’s house now, but I so enjoy decorating our house! There were so many ideas popping in my head, I almost wish I had more rooms left to decorate. Almost. And what’s even more amazing than the various products and styles is the prices. See, Mark gave me a “budget” of only $20 (go ahead and laugh, we did too) and I went $12 over. I came out with:

-3 round area rugs to make polka dots on the floor I paid $4.50 each (technically they are bath rugs, but they don’t look like it to me!)

-A taller step stool for Savannah $5.99 (Now that she is potty trained, she obviously needs to wash her hands more and it has been frustrating for her to not be able to reach with the typical stools places like Target have),

-A throw pillow that matches the new paint color for $1 (looks great in my glider!)

-Blue/fallish napkins for my baby shower $2.50

-And get this…a $5 twin duvet cover (better picture of fabric is below). FIVE DOLLARS!

Grand total: $32. Can we say score?

2) I actually spent time with other ladies my age. It’s not often I get kid-free social time. Fantastic day.

3)  Jaxson’s room is quickly starting to look like a nursery! Today we not only got paint on the walls (thanks uncle!), but the crib, bedding, etc. and added the new Ikea finds to finish it off for now.

See?

It’s a light tealish blue that matches the crib sheet. Of course, there is still much to do, mainly involving a huge project of refinishing old furniture (two dressers, a night stand, and a head/foot board). Also, I  need to figure out what and where to put things on the walls. Oh, and curtains. And…lots of washing and organizing once I have a dresser finished. Still, it’s a good start for one day, huh?

Now, who’s excited for November when there is a cute baby boy along with all the cute stuff?! That would be me…

…and why I’m up until 1am writing about it.

24 weeks and feeling great! My only complaint every now and then is an aching back or hips, some days a little exhaustion. Third Trimester is just around the corner though so I’m expecting this feeling good thing to go away as the belly expands even more. I’m pretty amazed at how quickly this pregnancy is flying by. Slow down, time! Of course, I’m anxious to meet Jaxson but I’m also really enjoying this pregnancy and want to cherish every moment, especially if this is our last.

(P.S. The shirt? $3 at Target! Despite having 2 other full term pregnancies, all have been in different seasons or the shirts have shrunk to where they don’t fit right, so it’s been a challenge finding clothes to wear without wearing the same thing every day. My $3 shirt is super comfy and still has room to grow. Score!)

I remember growing up watching Anne of Green Gabels movies at my Grandpa’s house. I was so young that I hardly remember the plot line besides a red haired orphan (not to be confused with Annie!) but I do remember her always saying her name was, “Anne with an E.”

While our son’s name will not be Anne with an E, we’ve decided on Jaxson with an X. Perhaps we’re setting him up to have the same response each time people ask his name, just as I do now when people ask, but the name just feels so right. I love the X in there because his nick name won’t be shortened to “Jack” but to “Jax” and that just looks and sounds like a cool guy name to me (plus the one Jax I know on General Hospital isn’t too bad on the eyes! And we all want our kids to be good looking, right?). Jaxson was the name that stood out to me as I went over list after list, it’s a name that gives my heart flutters thinking about my son Jaxson. It just feels right.

Of course, it wasn’t an easy road to officially decide on his name. For a few weeks it was going to be Gabriel Madden, and while I tried to like it for my husband’s sake who picked it out, it didn’t sit right right. I would cringe when we used it in a sentence “testing” it out. I kept thinking about all the awful nicknames people would come up with instead of using the full name. Eventually, Mark agreed that it didn’t feel right for him either. However, he was hesitant using Jaxson because he wanted to pick out his name. Our compromise? We kept the middle name he (and I) loved, Madden, because it perfectly incorporates not only a not-commonly-used-cool-name but Mark’s love of xbox games and watching football (ya know, since the real John Madden was a football announcer in our lifetime). So, Jaxson Madden it is.

It took me a while to get over his entire name ending with “n’s.” Like, I seriously put up polls on the various social networks I’m on to help me decide if it was awful or not. And, even when we had decided it was the right name, I tried to keep it a secret for fear of what others think. Some hate it and say it’s too “rhymey” or don’t flow, and that’s fine, but the more I think about his name the more I love it, just as I fall in love with him more each day. Plus, I figure that a full name is rarely said (except when in trouble or maybe announced when graduating) so who cares if his full name doesn’t “flow” like some people like? They can name their own kid something else :-)

So there you go, that’s what in our little guy’s name. Our Jaxson with an X.

I’m so enjoying this stage of pregnancy. It’s nice not to feel gaggy like the first trimester, yet not huge and full of heartburn like I know the last trimester will entail. One of my favorite parts though is, of course, feeling this little guy move. I’ve felt him for over 10 weeks now (he is very active!) but it’s neat to feel his movements become stronger over time. Instead of it always being flutters I can now feel the little elbows or knees roll by. I love it! Mark finally is able to feel him move from the outside as well. Definitely moments I treasure.

What I really love is that he already has a set schedule of when he wakes up and I find it hilarious. I don’t remember my girls haven’t such a strict schedule, I do remember it was my bladder that had the schedule of when to wake up to pee. This little guy wakes up on every odd number hour. 7am…9am…11am…see? It’s about 11am and he’s awake! When we went to the beach last week and I didn’t have a clock nearby I could generally tell what time it was based on his movements. I find it so funny he already has a routine.

I wonder if it will be the same as a newborn or if it says anything about his personality?

I have a confession to make. But first off, what I’m about to say does not in any way mean I don’t love this little being growing inside of me.It doesn’t mean I wish for a different baby, it doesn’t mean anything except that I’m a worry wart. And since I like my blog to be real, I’ve got to dive into something that’s been consuming my thoughts lately.

So here it is: I’m struggling with the idea of having a boy.

Not because I don’t want a boy or could never love a boy, but because I don’t know what to do with a boy. Cars, action figure posters plastered on the wall, all that extra energy? And more sports in my life(ah!). It’s not my thing. I can handle this girl stuff Savannah gets into, because, well, I am a girly-girl myself. I can relate to her. A boy? It’s tough.

I’m scared that I won’t bond with a boy. Sure, it will be fine while he is an infant and I can enjoy all the snuggles and nursing that I did with Savannah, but what about when he gets older? I’m afraid of losing touch with him, not knowing what questions to ask to get to know him as he grows or what’s going on in his life. I keep thinking about my own brother, we were close when he was a baby and then he turned 3 or 4, when those boy interests and qualities really started to come out and we grew apart. My sister on the other hand, we only grow closer as the years go by. And in truth, I want that for Savannah. I want her to have a sister to bond with, to go through life with and maybe have a built in best friend. Idealized dream? Yes. I realize even if I have two girls it doesn’t guarantee they would even get a long! But I can dream.

I also always thought I’d have all girls. Mark thought the same thing, since his desire to have a boy is intense and he thought he wouldn’t get his way or something. And in truth, after having 2 girls, I just feel like a “girl momma.”  I never saw myself having a boy.  How is it different? Can I make the adjustment?

But, I can tell you as soon as I saw this little face on the screen, I fell in love with him even more and my worries practically are diminished already. Who couldn’t love this little guy? It comes down to this: I tend to worry over nothing, especially fear of the “unknown.” Everything will be fine, right? Maybe just a little different.