I’m 5 weeks and 2 days now. Thinks appear to be going normally, but boy do I wish I had eyes to see into my womb!  I feel much like I did with Kaylee and Savannah this time around, so that brings me a little comfort.  Each day that goes by I find myself relaxing a little bit and just accepting things for what they are for right now. And right now, I’m pregnant and feel good (hungry all the time, but good). I don’t know what the future will bring in 2 weeks when I have an early ultrasound, but I know I’m praying to see a strong healthy heartbeat this time. Like I said, I can only control me, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and trusting my body.

Did I mention my due date in November 5th? I think I forgot that detail amongst asking for prayers while I was panicking last week.  My belly is already poking out, but I’m afraid to take pictures just yet.

Savannah seems to be excited but also has some worries, mainly dealing with her crib. She has only been out of her crib for about a month (since we moved) and so she obviously still has some attachment to it.  Some one told her that the baby would have her crib now and she insists that SHE is still small and needs the crib.  The same thing for her pacifier, but we assured her that she could absolutely keep her beloved blankies and didn’t need to share those. It’s a good thing we have 8 months to get her used to the idea of sharing her baby things!  She also insists this baby is a girl. She was right about the twins last year, so we’ll see if she’s right this time. She did great at the doctor appointment this week (even watched curiously while they took blood) and kept saying, “I wanna see the baby, Mommy! On the TV!”  She remembers being at the ultrasound last year and she was looking forward to that again, but we’ve got 2 more weeks to wait for that.

This week is my spring break so I’ll be getting some extra time with Savannah, hoping for some playdates, interviewing babysitters to cut down my super long commute, and get some homework done. Things are pretty good right now…when I don’t think to much:-)

Apparently God wanted to give us yet another blessing. I call it a house warming gift.

I think a new baby and nursery will look lovely in our 3rd bedroom, don’t you?

While I am so excited, I am probably more completely scared to pieces of a repeat of last year.  Like, to the point of a small panic attack when my Dr. wanted me to come in for a check up today. I couldn’t face going back to the same doctor’s office/hospital where I heard so much bad news and where I had my D&E. I could do it, and I won’t. I promptly canceled my appointment for today and switched doctors. This past month has felt eerily like almost a year ago, even being sick and taking medications not knowing I was pregnant. I just pray that this year has different results: a healthy full term baby.

So, while it is still very, extremely, early in this pregnancy game and I’m scared to even mention it, I wanted to because I know I have some prayer warriors out there, or people who at least can think some happy thoughts.  Could you keep us in thoughts and prayers? I can’t let this fear overcome the joy.

Where is that balance of being cautiously realistic and yet thinking positive thoughts of hope?

I keep opening my mail box and being reminded that I’m not pregnant.

Somehow I’m on various mailing list that assumee that I’m still pregnant. I mean, I guess I can’t expect companies magically to know which people on mailing lists haven’t made it through the pregnancy, but, it’s still gives me a little kick to the gut every time I see a box of formula starring at me or a teeny-tiny newborn diaper. My first reaction is “Aw, how CUTE!” and then I move to, “Wow, I would be needing these very soon if the babies had lived” and then I move to the sadness of remembering what it was like to be 9 months pregnant with Savannah and thrilled (and so READY) to give birth.  My baby girl is about to turn three in a few short months, those memories seem so distant now and yet so close.

That would be me right now, experiencing those moments again. I would be about 37 weeks pregnant, sporting chubbier cheeks and a belly the size of a humongous watermelon. I would be organizing and reorganizing tiny onsies and blankets in a nursery. Savannah would be feeling the rolls and squirms in awe and excited for her little brother or sister (or both) to arrive.  It’s insane how quickly the time has flown by to this point, I was half hoping it never would arrive. It’s just not right to be at this point and not having the proof that there was a baby in there and should be almost here.

It makes me long for another one. I know I can never fill the place of the ones we lost, or even Kaylee, but I just know our family is not complete yet. Still, now is not the time. Especially since we are starting the process to build a house (!). And getting a house is much more needed right now to house our future growing family, no? First things first.

So, for now, I set the newborn diapers aside for a later date and I pass the formula and coupons along to people who need it.

One day, one day.

Ah, it’s been a wonderfully refreshing trip. (And I’m not even home yet! I figured I’d write something now because I know I won’t have time when I get home between school work, laundry, and ya know, spending time with my family like I’m accused of not doing. ha.)

The flight to Indiana on Friday was frustrating.  It was just a crappy day to fly, with lots of clouds and rain, which apparently put us behind on my first flight.  We didn’t land in Detroit for my connection flight until 15 minutes before my other flight left. Which means, I had to hurry off of RUN all the way across the airport (and if you know me, I do not run…) to try and catch it before I left. And I did. *Whew* The plane was still there, with the steps and everything….but they wouldn’t let me on. In fact, there were a whole group of us that were late due to our plane and they wouldn’t let us on. With the plane RIGHT THERE! Stupid. We had to walk all the way to the other side of the airport again to catch another flight, which put me behind when I was supposed to arrive about 1.5 hours.  I hate Detroit. I will never go there again, simply for the rude staff and the ridiculous layout of that airport. The one good thing they did was get my luggage on the right plane.

Moving on. I met up with Bre and we made our way to eat lunch/dinner with a wonderfully sweet adoptive Mom and her three year old daughter. We knew her from the message board Breanna and I met on, so it was neat to meet another one of those amazing ladies that we’ve known for years. Also? Her daughter reminded me so much of Savannah in the way she talked and acted, I bet they would have gotten along well if I had brought her :-)  After that we went shopping, mainly to walk the aisles of Babies R Us where I shared my experience as a Mom and what products I used or would use if I could do it over again.  She ended up with a cart load!  It’s amazing how much new stuff is already out since Savannah, there are definitely things I will be going back for when it’s our time for a new baby again.  And later, Bre shared with me her experience of having her own house and what products are good for my Christmas list (which is all house things in preparation for our move next year), so we both gained insight from each other :-)

Pretty much every morning I’ve been able to sleep in until at least 9:30 (yesterday, 10:30!) and drink my hot tea in silence, which is very rare in my motherhood world. It’s been nice. However, sleeping in 4 days in a row makes the days fly by and almost feels like a waste. As weird as it is, it made me grateful that Savannah gets me up earlier so that I actually do things with my day besides sleep.  I still enjoyed it while it lasted but it just gave me a new appriciation for getting up early when I have to.

Other things we did: Went to Target twice (gotta love Target!), made modpodge shoes (will post pictures later!), ate smores by a bonfire, took a walk, watched “Sunshine Cleaning,” and went to Bre’s doctor appointment.

I will say, I’m doing a lot better emotionally wise than I thought I would.  As you may know, Bre and I got pregnant around the same time and were due within just a week or two of each other. Sure at times I have thought to myself, “that would be me right now, I would be seven months pregnant” but mostly, I’m just thrilled for her.  They will make great parents, and I know she felt the same bittersweetness when I was pregnant with Savannah. But still, it is odd going to the doctor and not being the pregnant one , experiencing the pokes and prods and the movements as the baby squirms away from the heart doppler. But, I’m okay.  Sure, it makes the desire for another child stronger, but I know God will bless us in His time.

And now, as this trip is nearing it’s end, I’m mostly grateful that I had not just some “me” time away from my home world, but Bre time as well.  There’s nothing like spending time with your best friend, especially when she’s preparing for a baby. It’s been exciting to share this time with her in person instead of through a computer screen. Hoping for another trip in the spring to be able to meet their new addition :-)

Of course, we forgot to take pictures of our trip (except of shoes…). Lame.

I don’t really like MTV.  Well, I used to back in the middle school and high school days when it was the cool thing to watch all the time. But then I realized what trash it is, filled with sexual images and dirty language constantly. Ick!  Why waste my life watching crap on TV?

But, in saying that, I will be watching MTV this week for one show: 16 and Pregnant.  It’s covering an adoption story and the adoptive couple happens to be from North Carolina where I am from and went through the same agency one of my friend’s did.  With teen pregnancy on the rise and teen mothering becoming more and more the “cool” thing to do , I’m interested to see how this adoption story will play out in the media. Adoption just isn’t talked about much and when it is?  It’s usually either negative or totally misses the mark on what a blessing adoption can be.  Like Juno. Gah, hated the movie. It totally skimped out on how hard it is to make the choice of adoption!  The real emotions were smushed under comedy lines and a fake smile saying “let’s just get this baby out and NO I don’t want to have contact afterwards!” and a weird, weird relationship with the potential adoptive father. Bottom line: totally unrealistic. The same goes for the hit show “Secret Life of an American Teenager”. Again, it’s unrealistic and they backed out on the adoption story. Lame. Is adoption really that scary that people can’t talk about it for what it really is, the good and the bad, just like people do with teen pregnancy and parenting?

Anyway, I’m hoping MTV redeems it’s self with this show.  I hope and pray it fights the stereotypes that us birthmothers simply don’t care about our children, that we just give birth and never look back, or that we are escaping from the consequences of having sex, being selfish and irresponsible because we aren’t parenting our “mistake” (I totally don’t see Kaylee or Savannah as a mistake, fyi). I hope people can see we are exactly the opposite of what the world thinks we are: unselfish, responsible, and displaying the ultimate love in sacrifice to give our children better than we could at that time in life.  We may not deal with the “consequences” in midnight feedings and diaper trips, but we certainly feel the consequences on our heart every single day. I’m tired of people misunderstanding the heart of birthmothers and our intentions. Why are adoptive couples praised and unselfish for adopting a child but the birthmothers that provided that  opportunity for the couple is shunned and selfish? I just don’t get it.

Here is a small clip of the episode that seems very promising, I can so relate.  And of course, if you look on that same page Catelynn has already been met with public comments and disapproval of her choices. And yes, I made a MTV profile just to comment back to the ignorant comments.

16 and Pregnant: Catelynn’s Adoption story

On MTV this Thursday July 16 at 10pm

Expect a post with my thoughts afterwards! Here’s to hoping some adoption education is spread to the MTV world.

Today is the day. Finally.  I can’t lie, I’m nervous as can be, but also have a peace that God’s will is to be done. And mostly, I have a really positive feeling that we’re about to experience a miracle, however God sees fit in doing that.  I feel like God is leaving little finger prints everywhere, that He’s got this under control. Like, yesterday before church I had the “Might to Save” song on my heart again and I prayed, “God, please let them play that song at church today! I need to hear it” and guess what? It was the very first song they played. I don’t think I’ve ever worshipped my God that hard before, it was confirmation to me that He’s still here, He hears my prayers, and He knows His plans.

So, the appointment is at 1:30pm today. I’m sure I’ll rush to the computer when I get home to share the details. Keep praying, yall. I have a feeling something miraculous will happen.

Be back later!

I never, ever thought a post like this would come from me. A young girl who has had two healthy pregnancies, two healthy girls. Let me explain:

My midwife ordered an ultrasound for today to check my dates since I have irregular cycles now (sorry Dad, too much information, I’m sure!).  According to my last cycle I should be well into 8 weeks, but I thought I would be around 7 weeks.  Well, we go to the appointment and the ultrasound technician is quiet until I ask a question.  And she said, “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure, but there are two yolk sacs.” However, there was only one baby we could see. It appears the other baby already has passed away and the sac is shrinking, which happens a lot in many women.  And I’m ok with that because seriously? Us having twins?  We would go insane. And my body who can barely fit one baby, holding two?  Ouch.

But, what is concerning to me and the doctor there is that the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks (which I suppose is plausible) and the heart rate is very, very low at 67 bpm.  Now, let me put this in perspective. A baby’s heart starts beating around 5 or 6 weeks and it quickly goes to being in  100’s, this baby should be all the way in the 130’s or 140’s or even higher.  Not good. So, unless something miraculous happens by my next appointment and God decides this baby has a purpose on earth, it really appears that I’ll have two babies in heaven.

This is all a shock to us of course. We weren’t expecting twins and we weren’t expecting our baby to not to be healthy. I mean, how can it be? But I have faith in God and that things do happen for a reason.  I like the way Mark put it, he said that we’ll have two babies who don’t have to suffer through this fallen world and they can go straight to heaven. And I responded with, “But I never got to know them…” and he said, “But we’ll have eternity with them and get to know them.”  My husband sure is a good man with a way to ease my heart.

I’m ok, really. I have peace as I rest in God’s will and warm presence. I trust that He knows what is best for these babies and for our family. I trust that we’ll expand our family again someday when the timing is right.

Until we know more, if you are the praying type, prays would be lovely. Grief has already set in as I (we) prepare for the worst soon.

P.S.  Don’t forget the breast pump giveaway ends today!

Confession: I’m addicted to baby sites. I hit refresh on the Babycenter.com groups constantly throughout to day to see what other pregnant mommies are up to and if we’re feeling the same. I also read about the baby’s size (a blueberry as of now), how it is developing this week, how I should be feeling, etc. over and over. Seriously, babies and all the information surrounded them are infectious.

I’ve avoided looking at baby products though, like clothes, cloth diapers, slings, etc. because we have zero extra money for me to be tempted if I did by chance find a super good deal or super cute item.  If I don’t look, I won’t know what I’m missing, right?  But come June when Mark has a full time job, you bet I’ll be on the hunt!

On another note, I’m confused as to how tired I can be or how early I get into bed,  and yet I can’t fall asleep until at least 11pm. And then I wake up a million times. It stinks. And on top of that late falling asleep, Savannah has been waking up during the night for some unknown reason (I tell you, we always have sleep issues! ) or waking up super early like 5 am. Not cool. Thankfully the hubby has taken awesome responsibility with that and has let me rest. That’s love, yall.

It’s now 11pm, so hopefully my mind will let me sleep. But maybe I should get a snack first…

P.S. Did you see the Evenflo Comfort Select Performance Dual Auto-Cycling Breast Pump giveaway is up?

Things are pretty uneventful around here.  Mark and I have just 3 classes left and 2 days of exams before he graduates (!) and I can take a breather before summer classes start.  It’s flown by, and boy, we’re glad. The projects, papers, and last minute tests are stressing us out at the moment.

I guess the most exciting thing is that my baby belly is already popping out.  Which, baffles me as the baby is suposably the size of a lentil bean right now (1/4th of an inch) and yet I look about 3 months pregnant.  The lady at Salsaritas looked at my belly and a winked, which says a lot because that lady is normally very mean like she hates her life and job. I shouldn’t be surprised though because I popped out quickly with Savannah as well. Oh, the pregnancy bloat.

And so, because of this tummy growth I am in sudden need of new shirts. I have 3  left from when I was pregnant with Savannah (non-maternity, but still loose) but a girl needs more than 3 shirts per week, no?  My pants still fit as I’m not gaining much weight yet, but I’ve been using the hair tie trick to give my expansion more room.  (Shhh…no one tell my pants are unbuttoned!)

Proof of my belly:

I’m still feeling good as well. No nausea and not extremely exhausted like I was with Savannah. My appetite is picking up a little more and the cravings for sweets has hit full blown. It’s about all I want now (versus 2 weeks ago the thought of sweets was gross). Doughnuts are my best friend right now (speaking of which, perhaps I should go more?). I’m craving all the unhealthy stuff. Typical!  Overall though I don’t really feel pregnant yet, which is normal I suppose.

Ultrasound in less than 2 weeks! I’ll feel better when I can see things are good and that my not-many-symptoms are ok.

I had my first midwife appointment on Tuesday to verify that I am indeed pregnant–and I am!  I also was hoping to figure out when I’m due, she currently has me at December 7th but I think it may be later (hoping it’s later for exam sake).  Since I’m unsure, I’ve got an ultrasound schedule for April 30th!  I’ve never had one this early on so that will be neat and she’ll be able to measure for an accurate date and she said I should even see a little heartbeat already by then.

I decided to go with a midwife this time because, if you haven’t noticed in the past few months, I’ve kind of…changed.  The whole natural/green world is really appealing to me and having a midwife seems to fit right along with that.  See, I’ve been induced twice, had two epidurals, etc. and I just want to try things different this time.  I know it sounds crazy but I want to feel what it’s like to go into labor, not just lie on a bed and wait for pitocin to kick in. I want to feel what it’s like to work through my labor pains, to walk around, to let gravity do some work, to be support by others, etc.

I really, really would like to try to not get an epidural this time. With Kaylee, it was fantastic. Everything about her birth was to me. With Savannah? The epidural left my back hurting for WEEKS. The nurse told me that I had a gigantic bruise from where it was inserted and the anesthesiologist dismissed it and my back pain to being from “back labor.” Right. I just don’t want to go there again. Plus, like I said, I don’t want to be stuck in the bed. I want to work through it. I know, I know I sound crazy.

Also, it really bothered me with Savannah that I did not get to hold Savannah or breastfeed right away. I did get to hold her soon after she was born, but it took a minute to wrap her up first. But to breastfeed? THREE HOURS LATER. It was midnight.  That really, really bothered me. I’ve talked with my midwife about all this and she was very positive that that wouldn’t happen again (unless something serious went on, God forbid).   She also said that if I’m not induced I’m more likely to progress faster with this being my third baby, so all the more reason to wait in my eyes. I love my midwife so far! I will still be delivering at a hospital (makes me feel safer “just in case”, but the care and attention will be different. I also have a friend who is a doula, so I’ve already got tons of support lined up!

And after the baby is born…I’m seriously considering cloth diapers *gasp* Again, I know people will think I’m crazy.  But 1) We’re poor college folks and I can buy an entire diaper collection for 3 years for the same prize as what I pay for ONE year of disposables and wipes (about $500-600).  To me, that’s worth a shot. If it doesn’t work out for me? I can sell them and make a profit back. 2) Have  you seen how much cuter they are? I’ll admit, I’m a little overwhelmed looking at all the options but with the help from some experienced cloth mommas I’m slowly figuring it out and what will work best for us.

And lastly, I plan to do a lot more baby wearing this time around. With Savannah I did a little bit for when we went on walks and such, but not so much in daily life.  With a toddler to keep up with on top of a newborn, I think I’ll be needing my hands but also want baby close so I plan to invest in a good sling or two.  Any suggestions?

I guess I’m becoming a crunchy little mom, huh?

P.S. I forgot to tell some super exciting news…Savannah peed in the potty! Of course, now she won’t do it again for me (she was at a friend’s house). But still. YAY for a start!