I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4

Just so yall know…surgery at 1pm today.

I’m scared, nervous. (And hungry.)  I know I’m doing the right thing, but getting to the other side of not pregnant is scary. The unknown of this.

And seriously, I’m scared they are going to put a hole in my uterus. But I’ll just have to keep trusting that God will see me through this just as he has in the past.

Again, prayers would be lovely. For peace, comfort, calmness, that God will be with me and the doctor and other staff, that he’ll protect my precious uterus. Just that everything goes smoothly.  Thank you all so much for your support through this!

I never, ever thought a post like this would come from me. A young girl who has had two healthy pregnancies, two healthy girls. Let me explain:

My midwife ordered an ultrasound for today to check my dates since I have irregular cycles now (sorry Dad, too much information, I’m sure!).  According to my last cycle I should be well into 8 weeks, but I thought I would be around 7 weeks.  Well, we go to the appointment and the ultrasound technician is quiet until I ask a question.  And she said, “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure, but there are two yolk sacs.” However, there was only one baby we could see. It appears the other baby already has passed away and the sac is shrinking, which happens a lot in many women.  And I’m ok with that because seriously? Us having twins?  We would go insane. And my body who can barely fit one baby, holding two?  Ouch.

But, what is concerning to me and the doctor there is that the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks (which I suppose is plausible) and the heart rate is very, very low at 67 bpm.  Now, let me put this in perspective. A baby’s heart starts beating around 5 or 6 weeks and it quickly goes to being in  100′s, this baby should be all the way in the 130′s or 140′s or even higher.  Not good. So, unless something miraculous happens by my next appointment and God decides this baby has a purpose on earth, it really appears that I’ll have two babies in heaven.

This is all a shock to us of course. We weren’t expecting twins and we weren’t expecting our baby to not to be healthy. I mean, how can it be? But I have faith in God and that things do happen for a reason.  I like the way Mark put it, he said that we’ll have two babies who don’t have to suffer through this fallen world and they can go straight to heaven. And I responded with, “But I never got to know them…” and he said, “But we’ll have eternity with them and get to know them.”  My husband sure is a good man with a way to ease my heart.

I’m ok, really. I have peace as I rest in God’s will and warm presence. I trust that He knows what is best for these babies and for our family. I trust that we’ll expand our family again someday when the timing is right.

Until we know more, if you are the praying type, prays would be lovely. Grief has already set in as I (we) prepare for the worst soon.

P.S.  Don’t forget the breast pump giveaway ends today!

I think the Lord has finally answered my prayers and I’m getting a tiny bit more motivated and ready for classes to start back. We only have 2 weeks left of our summer break, it’s a sad thing to watch it end. But, like I said, I’m slowly getting more ready. It must mean something good if I’m ordering text books and buying pencils again, where as before I was repulsed by the sight of them!

Part of the dreading I was feeling came with the thought that I wouldn’t graduate on time. With an English degree I’m required to have a minor as well, I guess since it’s such a broad subject. I started out with a Professional and Technical Writing minor and I hated it. So then I thought it over and switched to Journalism, but I’m still dreading it, mainly because it’s not the style of writing I want to do. I look at the 18 hours of classes that I have to start from complete scratch with dread. It’s not interesting to me. And that says something: why do something I don’t want to do if I don’t have to?

The topic that keeps sticking out in my mind, being one of the best classes I have taken my entire life is Woman’s Studies. So, I’m considering about switching to that. I loved the intro class because it made me more aware of the issues of this world (not just about woman’s issues, either). Seriously, every day I would come home telling Mark about something new I learned, it was fascinating. In the long run of life, I think learning about something I’m actually interested in and that helps in every day life is more worth investing my time in. Especially since I’m parenting a daughter myself, I can better be prepared for the issues she (and I) will face. It’s not about being a “crazy feminist,” it’s just about being more aware of the world.

And the major plus? I get to graduate on time! May 2010, instead of December. I already have 2 credits that count toward the minor, which will put me exactly where I need to be. Assuming of course, that some how God provides a way for me to switch my Journalism class with a Woman’s Studies class. And then switch my minor yet again. It’s also good that I can still take electives that will improve and expand my writing, but in the areas I’m more interested in.

It’s a win/win situation! And that makes me excited to get back into the schooling game. Ready to knock out another year, one step closer to being D.O.N.E.

Well…that didn’t work.

She was fast asleep by 7:15 worn out from playing in the sun and taking a walk. I was hopeful that she would sleep through the night, or at least not fight sleep when she did wake up during the night. Nope.  It only got worse. Instead of waking up at 4am, she moved it up to 2am!  And succeeded in fighting sleep, laughing at it even, until 4:30am.  So needless to say, I’m tired. We’re all tired.  Mark took off work today so that I could sleep in, he got up with her at 6:30am.

But good thing there wasn’t a car accident involved today, right?

Actually, there was a worse accident involved as Mark’s Mom fell in the bathroom during the middle of the night and cut open her face right near her eye. She seemed in good spirits despite how horrible the bruising is, the bleeding, and I hear even bone showing. Ouch, ouch, ouch. We’re waiting for her to get back from the emergency room. Keep her in your prayers, would ya?

I’ve been working on another post but this is far more important than my hair right now (sorry, you’ll just have to wait to see the “new” me until another day).

If you haven’t heard the news yet, Christian musican Steven Curtis Chaman‘s 5 year old daughter, Maria, was killed yesterday in their own drive way by their son’s (I believe?) car accidentally. I cannot even imagine what they are going through right now, especially with all that is going on in their lives. I know there isn’t much I can do but to pray for peace and that they are seeking God during this hard time. So, if you’re are the praying type, would you please lift this family up in your prayers? If you aren’t the praying type, how about sending some good thoughts their way.

They have set up a blog specifically in honor of Maria to leave condolences and share a video that lets you get to know Maria a little more. She was obviously a very happy little girl, my heart goes out to them.

Don’t forget to hug and love on your children today, and always. You never know when things like this could happen. Treasure every moment, that’s what I’m off to do.

I’m a little late posting this (school is consuming me), but I thought it was important to share regardless.

I have an online friend, Hillary, that I’ve known since I was pregnant with Kaylee. She was there via instant messenger to support me through both my pregnancies. We were pregnant with our second children at the same time. We’ve shared experiences that are the same, and many more experiences that are different but it’s our children and faith that bring us together.

This woman has been through a lot in the years I’ve known her. Her second son, Liam, was born last April 9th, happy and healthy as could be and when I came back from my honeymoon I found out that he had died of SIDS. He died on May 17th for unknown reasons. I felt awful that while I was rejoicing in my new marriage, she was heartbroken with grief for her 5 and half week old. I cannot even imagine what this past year has been like for her and her family, coming to terms with his very early loss. It makes me treasure Savannah even more.

This past Wednesday was April 9th, which would be Liam’s first birthday. In honor of him, Hillary asked that people write a note to him and release balloons. Mark’s brother and I did just that. We each wrote a note that I will be mailing to Hillary for her scrapbook, and captured the release on camera to send to her as well. I hope Liam enjoyed his balloons as he watched from above.

Please also keep this family in your prayers. I know this is a very emotional time for Hillary and her son Jayden (4 years old). With Hillary’s loss and the loss of baby Audrey, death and grief has been surrounding us lately, even in one of my classes we’re discussing death. It frightens me how quickly and unexplained someone can be taken away. I know that’s where God should come in to bring healing and comfort, but some times that’s hard to accept.

(Yes, I know presence is spelled wrong. It’s my curse. I can’t spell or use grammar correctly.)

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As a side note (or under note?) Another friend over at Live, Laugh, Blog is having an awesome giveaway!  Go check it out and lift those spirits back up.

It’s starting to be a hectic time for us in the O Home as the semester is winding down. Which means, professors wind it up even more and pile assignments, tests and papers on the double. So forgive me if I’m absent in the next few weeks without much worth-while content, but for today? This is weighing on my heart heavy, much more than my selfish world.

Live, Laugh, Blog posted this prayer request for Bring the Rain earlier today and I just had to pass it on. Angie at Bring the Rain is set to have her daughter, Audrey, via C-section today at 4pm. But, Audrey will not be able to survive out of her mother’s womb due to several health conditions. I didn’t know about Angie’s blog until today but reading over her posts have deeply moved me. She is a strong, beautiful woman that sincerly loves the Lord and trusts in His plan for their family.

Please, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine what they have been feeling as they approach this day and what they will be going through after. Please pray for peace through all this. Angie is a wonderful example of what a dedicated life to Christ is. I can just picture her standing in the rain, arms wide open soaking up the love Christ has for her, trusting that He’ll provide and protect their family through this time.

Things like this remind me of what life is really about and all the things we take for granted. Coincidently, this is exactly what we’re talking about in our church small group. Oranges become so much more valuable than rubies. I know Angie is treasuring her pregnancy and short time with her little girl more than most Mom’s ever do.

Lord, be with them. I know You are.

Edit:  Audrey Caroline was born at 4:31 this afternoon and is now in the Lord’s arms after a few hours here on earth with her family. Let’s continue to keep this family in our prayers. I cannot even imagine…

There’s been several things weighing on my heart lately, besides the messed up priorities. I thought I’d share them here so you guys would know what’s going.

The big one:

I have an umbilical hernia. Actually, several (which I just learned means I have para-umbilical hernia as well). About 4-5 in and surrounding my belly button caused by pregnancy (I think). I guess my belly became so huge it stretched the muscles further than it could go and made holes.  Lovely thought, huh?  They hadn’t bothered me until recently, but now some days it can be bad enough I can’t stand up straight and must lie down.  It’s a burning and pulling sensation as the holes stretch larger. Not fun! And, the only cure for this issue is to have surgery. I’ve put it off because they honestly weren’t causing a problem/pain and I felt I just didn’t need it yet.  But as things get worse, it’s inevitable that a surgery is in the near future. And that is a really scary thought! No matter how minor it may be, it’s scary to think of you being “put to sleep” and having your body cut, prodded and sowed back. I have a very low pain tolerence, anything to do with pain or blood makes me squirm. This just doesn’t sound like my cup of tea to deal with, but I must.

Plus, there’s the whole issue of money. We do have insurance but it’s a question of if they’ll consider this a pre-existing condition (and there fore, not pay), and if they do cover it, how much do we have to shell out too?

I have a dr. appointment Monday, so we’ll see what he says. And that’s a whole ‘nother issue: Showing my nasty, stretched out, flabby, wrinkly, hernia belly to a male dr.  Thankfully, it’s a dr. I know well, Savannah’s amazing dr. But still.

The minor one:

Literally, it’s my minor.  I’m currently an English major with a  minor in Technical/Professional writing. I was so excited when I found technical writing, I was pumped for my first day of intro class. And quickly became disappointed, it’s totally not what I thought it would be. As an English major we are required to have a minor as well, so I’m stuck here deciding what’s best to do.  I talked with a teacher and she suggested to look into Journalism.  It sounds much more appealing, more in line with what I write now, and the direction I would like to be in (work at home freelance writing). But what does God want me to do?  What direction does He want me to go in?  I hate when life is in limbo like this, like the direction is completely unclear until the perfect time.  Gah. Granted, the big picture of “life” is not in limbo, this is just one small area, but you know that feeling I’m speaking of.

The other one:

I’m totally not prepared for my speech. I have it all in my head, but I can’t face the blank screen to write it out. Cause that means I’m really about to do it. That means I really have to start practicing and saying it out loud and fear sounding stupid. I need some motivation and confidence and some divine words to pour through me.

What’s going on in your life?  How can I pray for you?