For the most part I feel peace about the miscarriage I experienced back in 2009, as do I about my adoption experience. I felt and saw the hand of God during those times and that only strengthened my faith and brought me the peace I needed, and still need, about those hard times. But some times…sometimes…grief strikes again like a quick flash of lightening. It usually only happens for a minute, but its enough to bring me back to those dark moments, remembering what it was like in those uncertain and heartbreaking times. Times of completely surrendering to God because there was nothing else I could do, I had no control.

Today was one of those moments. I’ve been reading Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back and besides being completely fascinating, it has brought healing and answers to questions I’ve had on my heart for years. I can’t put it down! (except to write this, of course.) What has fascinated me most though is how the little boy Colton describes people he met while he was in Heaven, people he never met on earth and sometimes didn’t even know about until he went to Heaven. One was a little girl who wouldn’t stop hugging him…his sister that her mother had miscarried before he was even born. “‘It’s okay, Mommy,’ he said. ‘She’s okay. God adopted her.” And it hit. Flash. Tears came and I had to tear my eyes away from the book to cry into my hand and pray.  I know my twins are okay. I’ve written poems that came straight from my soul, visions of them free and dancing happily in Heaven. But, I miss them.  To hear a little boy meet his sister and see without a doubt that she is a child of God and that she is okay is confirmation to me, just as it was for Colton’s mom. They’re okay, they’re loved!

What tore at my heart though was what came the next page over. Colton’s mom asks what the little girl’s name was since they had miscarried her before they knew she was girl. “She doesn’t have a name. You guys didn’t name her.” My twins don’t have a name either. They are running (or flying as Colton said) around in Heaven nameless. And it hit me…I need to name them. I’ve felt this for a long time, but without truly knowing their sex I’ve held off doing so. All I have are the dreams I often have of them while I sleep, it’s always one boy and one girl who come out of my tummy early but are always okay. Fitting, huh? Again, its one of those confirmations that brings peace. I’ve always felt it was a boy and girl, but the ultrasound showed them in the same gestational sac, so they would have been identical and therefore would have had to be the same sex from my understanding. But, maybe I don’t understand it. Only God knows, and I feel like I should trust the visions I feel He’s given me of them.

I know this story is about Colton’s family, but I feel like God has used it to speak to me too. It’s like a little message from my twins or my Paw-Paw, that they’re waiting on the other side cheering me on and waiting for the day we can reunite. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse of them just as Colton has and it brings so much joy. And while I wait to be with them again this book has shown me to keep having faith, peace, and trust that God is very real and so are His promises, that I will get to hold my babies one day and spend eternity with my dear friends and family that have passed away. That we’ll meet Jesus and fly and see rainbows. That there is a place far beyond what we can imagine with no pain. Colton told his Mom, “Yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.” Oh, my babies, I can’t wait to go there too!  To meet you, to finally hold you, to truly know you.

Until then, they need a name. A name for Jesus to call to them in Heaven and so I can call to them when I finally arrive.

(P.S. I highly recommend this book whether you are a believer in Christ or not! It is very well written and the story encompasses you. Go read it!)

As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.

I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4

Like I said before, 2010 was a fabulous year for me. I realized though after posting that there was so much more to it than just materialistic things like our new house, car, and my graduation diploma…there were prayers answered. It was God-filled. While certainly I feel like God blessed us with being able to purchase our own house and replace my falling apart car with a new one…things happened in 2010 that cannot be bought for any price. 

I can easier admit now that after my miscarriage of the twins, I was left doubting God and quite frankly was angry at Him. How could he take away my babies? I am fertile-myrtle, things like that don’t happen to me! Strangely though, I did have peace in their loss even as it happened and knew that it happen for a reason, but I still held on to blaming God for that hurt in my life as time went by. Thankfully though, God has used Jaxson’s pregnancy to help me overcome that, to trust Him again and prove that He is still trustworthy even when things don’t happen as we think they should.  Essentially, I feel He has used Jaxson’s pregnancy and birth to bring so many blessings and answered prayers in my life this past year. I clung to God as I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson because otherwise fear overcame me that I would lose that pregnancy, too. As many of us know, that desperation of no where else to turn is what brings us closer to God, and I’m thankful for that even though its hard!  Then, as Jaxson’s birth neared I clung to Him even more as I prepared to give birth the way I felt He intended it to be…naturally. As a result, He put so many wonderful people and resources in my path that helped me through my journey and were a huge support.  I truly feel like God was present at Jaxson’s birth, from giving me the strength to do it naturally, to watching over us as Jax came out with the cord around his neck four times and myself bleeding too much afterward.  Many people, especially family, were skeptical or worried about Jaxson’s birth and us using a birth center outside of the hospital but I felt in the depths of my heart that God had promised this birth to me in the way I desired and I held onto that promise.  He was our strength and protector.

Also, a huge answered prayer was a simple one: friends. Being a young Mom and wife, a birthmom, a Christian, etc. I have often felt like I don’t always “fit in.”  Really, more like caught in the middle.  Especially when I was still in college, I wasn’t a typical collage student that partied or lived near campus to be able to join in with people I met in classes. I went to school and went straight home to my baby girl and husband, and that was totally fine with me! But, it also felt odd to try to get to know women who did have a husband and kids because I am, well, usually a lot younger than them. Not that it bothers me at all to hang out with people older than me, but I just don’t want to be judged by my youngness. My life style was a mix of the “young” crowd and the “stay at home mom” crowd but with no one place to accommodate both. So, basically, Mark and I were our own best friends and my only other close friends lived hours and states away like Breannaor Victoria. I know my online friendships have value and are blessings in themselves but, of course, I really craved having someone (or a few someones!) that I could get to know really well locally. I wanted to be able call someone up for coffee each week or have a playdate with our kids while we chatted. I seriously prayed for years that God would bring some one that 1) was Christian that I could have spiritual conversations with 2) had kids so they understood my lifestyle.  And finally, in 2010 that happened. Not one, but several friends (thanks to my favorite Mommy Network!) that I can call and vent things to, to pray with me, to encourage each other, to watch our kids play together…such huge blessing! Now in 2011 I pray that Mark can find that same connection with men in our area because I know he is feeling just as I was and I know its hard at times. Life with friends to share and do things with is much sweeter!

So, in 2011 I pray that we are even more God-filled. That I can grow closer to God, to go to chuch more than 1 time a month, break out of my shell to actually get connected and know people, like through a small group. I pray that I can have a heart to serve just as others have helped me this past year when I needed it. I pray Mark feels that calling to God too, gets connected with others, and we in-turn grow together as a married couple in Christ. I pray that this year we truly realize that our body is a temple and we should treat it that way…therefore eating healthier as a family. I pray Savannah continues to grow in and learn about God (more on that soon!). I pray all my kids, whether with me or not, are safe, healthy, and know they are loved by me and God.

Seriously, 2010 was the best year ever. In so many ways. I sit here with a sleeping baby boy in my lap, warm and cozy in my house, a diploma in my possession resembling goals met and hardwork, beautiful snow on the ground, playdates planned for later this week, and I can’t help but feel blessedly fuzzy inside. Thank you, God, for everything. I know 2011 can be just as filled, if not more, with us clinging to Him as our foundation.

I’ll admit, I spent all day Sunday crying my eyes out after my labor stopped Saturday morning and obviously has not picked back up yet.  I kept thinking, “But it was REAL! I dilated 2cm! I had real contractions! I should be holding my baby right now!” and then I would start crying all over again.  I realize now that I needed to grieve that birth I felt I should have had on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was very, very real and emotionally it has been difficult to move past the thought that I did something wrong, that I should have done something more to keep the contractions going, etc. But, after “grieving” what felt like a loss,  I’ve got a new perspective. Yes, it stinks that I’m not holding my new baby boy right now and my family all drove hours without getting to meet him before having to leave again, but my eyes have been opened to realize things about this birth when it really does happen.

1) I learned what real contractions feel like (or, at least much more real contractions than I’ve had before). Oh yes, they feel very different from all the prelabor contractions I’ve had in the past 3 weeks. From the first one I felt at the mall checking out Chicfila, I could tell it was different. Prelabor for me was period type cramps with random tightening and felt more like braxton hicks. Real labor for me feels like extreme tightening moving from the top of my legs up my belly and definitely had the “wave” and “peaks” that people talk about. However, I wouldn’t call it pain. I am choosing to believe that childbirth doesn’t have to be the excruciating painful thing that people portray it to be if I let go of that fear and relax with it. It was uncomfortable, yes (I didn’t want to move during them) but it just felt like EXTREME tightening running up my belly. I also learned my belly even shapes differently. Braxton hicks looks more like a basketball and round, real ones my belly squares out some. I’m glad to know the difference now, so I will know when it’s real next time.

2) I learned how I handle the contractions. I’ve been reading about Hypnobirthing and using relaxing CD’s, along with my faith in God, to prepare for labor and got to use them on Friday. It was so incredibly helpful! My favorite is Comfort Zone by Steve Halpern, it seriously can put me to sleep (or at least in a deep relaxation) any time, even during contractions. Mark told me afterward that at one point he looked over while I was in the birthing tub that I looked so relaxed he was afraid I’d fall asleep and drown!  Sure, I hadn’t got to the transition phase yet so things weren’t too intense but it felt good to know that I can relax and just trust my body through contractions.

3) I learned that I don’t need much support during labor (again, it may be different during transition/pushing phase). While laboring I just wanted to be alone! I wanted the lights to be dim, to put my headphones in and walk around the room or be in the tub.  Mark was actually in the room sleeping the majority of the time (as was my Mom in the waiting room) and the midwife would come in every hour to check how I was doing and Jaxson’s heartbeat.  This is a huge change to me because I felt like before I would need lots of support and advice of what to do to help manage, but I was totally okay and new instinctively what I needed to try. And that feels pretty good to have a sneak peak to boost my confidence even more to know I can do this!

4) I got to know my midwife more personally and how things work at the birthing center. Enough said. It was a fantastic experience of the 12 hours I was there. I can’t wait for “Part II” of labor, it was such a relaxing environment for everyone there.

5) I also learned that I only want Mark and my midwife in the room when I actually deliver Jaxson. I thought I wanted or needed lots of people, like my Mom, Stepmom (they’ve been to my past births), and even a photographer. But, I realized that this is such an intimate time. Not just exposing very personal body parts, but emotionally this birth will be hugely different than when Kaylee or Savannah were born. I can’t explain why it’s different, but it is. Best put, it just feels intimate and like it’s something special for just Mark and I as a married couple to be welcoming our child into the world after so much work (versus just laying in a hospital bed waiting for the doctor to tell me to push).

6) I hate to admit this, but before last Friday I wasn’t sure Mark would know what to do when I went into labor because we haven’t had a baby this way before.  Friday (and this past 5 days in general) has shown me that he is perfectly capable of knowing what needs to be done and listening to my needs. He has been such an incredible support emotionally and physically, I’m so blessed to have him!

7) I learned to trust my body, baby, and God…that if it stalled there must be a reason for it (I still struggle with this in some moments, but peace quickly fills my doubts when I bring the worries to God again). I may never know why it stalled, but at least it was a learning experience on so many levels :-) Spiritually God has taught me so much in this waiting time, He has used this time to draw me closer to Him and it has also been a huge bonding experience for Mark and I.

Like I said, of course, I wish I was holding Jax right now. But I’m glad that in this waiting time, although frustrating and heartbreaking at moments, it has taught me important lessons and most importantly grown my faith stronger than its been in a long time.  This will all be worth it in the end, right?

P.S. 5 days over due at this point and going for a nonstress test this afternoon. Praying that I get see Jax’s sweet face on an ultrasound, that would make this waiting slightly more bearable :-)

For real, if you haven’t been over to the O Momma Writes page on Facebook, you might want to. Things have been happening in baby news and it is a lot easier to update over there when I can get a chance than a blog post.

But, I will write the longer version now while I’m sitting here…waiting…and wishing…

I went into labor around noon Friday (ON my due date!) and they gradually got stronger/closer through the day. Mark and I went to the mall to walk, they picked up in intensity as soon as I got there. Within an hour I went from “Oh! A contraction! Yay!” to having to stop and breathe through them.  Around 7pm I was ready to get to the birthing center, I wanted to get in the water because they were coming strong and very close to each other. The car ride was miserable…each contraction was on top of each other, the baby felt like he was going to fall out, and it felt like he was going to be born in the car! Mark was going 90 miles an hour on the highway to make sure we could get there in time. We were sure this birth would go quickly, especially since I was already 4cm dilated for the past week. I had my parents and photographer head on their way, I knew this was it. It felt totally different than all the prelabor contractions I had in the past weeks, but it was still totally manageable with lots of breathing and relaxing. I was feeling confident and at peace, excited that this was IT!  I labored in the tub off and on, walked around, and rested on the bed until about 2am and decided to get some sleep while they weren’t too bad.  At that point I had progressed from 4cm to 6cm.  By 5am they had slowed down and weren’t intense…pretty much gone. We tried herbs and walking, no luck. By 7am we decided it was a good idea to go home, get a shower, some breakfast, and try some things at home while we waited for them to pick back up.

They never did. At least nothing that has lasted. I had some after waking up from a nap around noon on Saturday. They stayed random and stopped eventually even with walking. I tried all the home remedies that people suggest, nothing worked. I then went walking again last night and they quickly picked up to 3-4 minutes again….until I got in the car to go home. So here I am today, having been home from the birthing center now for over 24 hours, sitting at 6cm, and nothing going on.

The frustrating part about doing this laboring/birthing naturally is that I (we…) have to trust my body and baby to know what it’s doing.  I am beyond frustrated, sad, angry that I was thisclose to having this baby and for some reason it has stopped. We think that either Jaxson just isn’t ready yet, or his change in positions has caused my labor to stall.  I read this article last night and it made me feel slightly better that it’s normal that some woman experience a “plateau.” My midwife assured me that everything is fine, the baby is healthy (he’s moving a lot and heartbeat has always been wonderful when checked) and since my water isn’t broken I should just rest while I can and wait for things to pick up again.  And while this is a horribly frustrating thing to experience…this starting and stopping…I am thankful that I’m not in a hospital where they would have pumped me up with pitocin or made me have a c-section by now for “failure to progress.” Sure, it’d be nice to be holding a baby right now but I’d rather not get to that point with medicine or surgery. I’m thankful my care is in the hands of some one has experience in this, has seen it before, and is letting my body take charge rather than interventions. Jaxson nor I are not at risk for anything at this point, so I wait (and wish, hope, pray).

I never, ever thought I’d be in this situation, having had 2 other kids and was already 4cm when I went into active labor. This isn’t just a physical adventure for me, it’s been a mental and spiritual one as well. Mentally, I’ve prepared for labor and delivery for months (I love hypnobirthing!), I am SO ready for this and ready to take it on and it’s hard to go from being ready to give birth Friday night and then coming home empty handed. Spiritually, especially at this point, I literally have no where to turn but God right now.  Sure I have support from friends, family, and my midwife but they can’t take this burden of frustration and worries from my shoulders. And all the natural interventions in the world can’t make my body go into labor again unless it’s ready. Literally, all I can do it pray and wait. I’m having to trust God and His timing, even though I REALLY don’t understand it.  In my mind going into labor on Friday was perfect since my family are all out of town and they would have the time off school/work to visit with us. They all made it here this weekend…but no baby has arrived. I just don’t get it.  But, I know God does and I know He has a plan in all this. While I’ve sat here crying last night and this morning, all I can do is surrender what I think is the ideal time and birth experience and hand it to God. It’s really hard to do and I’m having to surrender constantly, but it’s nice to feel a smidgen of peace each time I do.

If you are the praying type (or at least think positive thoughts), please send prayers this way.  For patience, wisdom, and peace. For a safe delivery and a healthy baby boy. That my family will be able to be here when he’s born or at least very soon after. This is a really tough place to be right now and even with my own praying it’s hard to not worry about all the unknowns.

I know (somewhere, deep down) I won’t be pregnant forever…so I’ll keep sitting (er…maybe walking!), waiting, and wishing that this little trickster be in my arms very soon. I can’t wait to see his little toes.

Jaxson is still baking at 98.7 degrees.

Apparently he isn’t done cooking so the small leak I was having sealed itself back up (yes, it can happen! I probably had a “high leak”) and no real contractions ever started. And while it was disappointing to go from “He’s coming now!” and getting the whole internet, family, and friends excited…I’m okay with it. I am truly enjoying pregnancy and don’t feel like I need to rush him out. Especially, if this is our last child I want to treasure these days feeling his movements inside because I know how much I miss pregnancy when it’s over.

That said, I have been having lots of prelabor symptoms and it seems to be doing something since I’m already progressing (2cm dilated, 25% effaced, and he’s at -1 station last checked on Tuesday). I’m using this time to really relax and trust my body to do it’s thing. Of course, even with all my prelabor signs it still could be weeks. I am trusting that God, this baby, and my body know what it’s doing and the real time will come when it’s ready :-) That peace and actually enjoying pregnancy at this point (among the cramps, backaches, sleep issues, etc) is such a different feeling than I had with Kaylee or Savannah. I just wanted them out and was miserable those last weeks because I dwelled on the pains and only looked forward instead of living in the present. This time the perspective is totally different and I feel its a God thing helping me to slow down and cherish it.  And when I do have my moments of, “I am done with this pregnancy thing! Come out!” I remember that whether he comes tonight or in 2 weeks, that still is really close :-) He will be here before we know it.

Until then, I’ll be relaxing and treasuring every kick…

The internet is one of my best friends, seriously. It (and God) has lead me to so many amazing, supportive people, both locally and all over the world. It happens all the time, I absolutely love the connections that this blog and other social networks has provided!

One site I visit often during pregnancy is Babycenter.com and early on in my pregnancy I met a sweet lady named Melissa. Sadly, she ended up miscarrying the baby we had due close together (and now has miscarried twice, send prayers her way!) but emails and months later we both determined we would be best friends if we lived closer. We have so much in common, from living in a maternity home during one of our pregnancies, to having miscarriages, to being Christian, and our love of writing.  I think I need a trip to Texas to meet her one day :-) She helped create a wonderful blog, now online magazine, for Christian women called Destiny In Bloom and asked me to join the team as an Author.

Today is my big day, my first article posted!  My official title is “Review Blogger” so you’ll see some cool products, books, and such highlighted. Today’s is a mix of testimony and review called Authentic Beauty, True Prince, and a Real Love Story.  It’s so exiting to use my writing for something else besides parenting stuff and challenge myself to brainstorm new ideas surrounding sharing my faith and products I love. I’m sure it will be a growing experience, not just in writing, but with God. The other authors and articles are always outstanding and so encouraging. It’s like little devotionals and a dose of inspiration every day. Go check out Destiny In Bloom!

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

Every since last Thursday when I was on the radio, it has renewed my passion. I have many passions in life, but particularly, my passion for writing and sharing our adoption story. I strongly feel that coming up on 6 years ago when I became pregnant and made the choice of adoption with God’s leading the way, that in turn He gave me the gift of writing.  In fact, I started blogging when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It was not much of a blog/journal, it was filled with exclamation points that had no reason to be there, a ton of “LOL’s”, lots of complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and in general just youthful in content and grammar (I was 16, after all).  However, after Kaylee’s birth I obviously dealt with a lot of emotions and God revealed Himself to me more, and so my writing became more seasoned and meaningful.  By the time Kaylee had turned one, I knew in the dept of my soul that God wanted me to use our story and use my writing to proclaim who God truly is and show that adoption can be such a blessing.

I wrote my story out in many places, mostly online but also academically and many of my papers were chosen to share with students. Seriously, just every research paper I’ve done in college has related back to adoption in some way.  One amazingly inspirational English teacher I had at Appalachian State  commented on one of my papers, “Content is always the most important and yours is always so compelling when you write on this subject!  You really should consider writing about your experiences for publication!” (Between his encouragement and my Dad’s, that is why I became an English major).

People have told me I should write a book for years, and trust me, I want to.  I have plans in my head but it’s scary to commit the time when I have no idea where to begin, or who to take my writing to.  I need a magic formula, do you  have one? But, the comment last week from the radio host confirmed to me again that I need to do this. Not just to sell books, not just to get my name out there, not for my glory but for God’s. And also to preserve my feelings and thoughts in paper, in hopes that it encourages others and one day it will give Kaylee a deeper understanding of my time with her and how much I love her.

I don’t know when I’ll start writing, I mean really writing. I always assumed I would wait until I graduated because then I would have more free time, right?  I’ve learned that with Motherhood there is no such thing as free time, whether you are in school or work or stay at home.  So I need to stop making excuses and let God lead the way, eh?

Seriously though, if you have a magic writing formula to follow or just a good resource about how to go about this, please do share!