A lot of has gone on this past week. Actually, its been only about 5 days of roller coaster emotions.  But really, its been going on longer than I realized.  Are you confused?

I was, too. And shocked.

Savannah has lost some of her hearing. I say lost as if it was simply some of her favorite Strawberry Shortcakes toys dropped at the grocery store, or something. But its not.

It became very noticeable this past month after we all had a bad lingering cold. We were having to repeat ourselves over and over (more so than the normal “selective hearing” kids normally have), make our voices louder and louder for her to hear us. The TV or music had to be blaring loud. She’s always kind of liked her TV and music loud, but this was different. Even her Grandparents noticed something wasn’t quite right and encouraged us to get it checked out, so I did.  Last Thursday she had her hearing tested and was seen by an ENT, who told us that she hears as if she is 10 feet underwater. Everything is muffled. Well no wonder we were always shouting and having to turn things up!

The good news? Its temporary and its just fluid behind the ear drum that has been building up for years (yet amazingly has never been infected, or painful, so we didn’t know there was an issue). The bad news? Oh, by the way, she needs tubes in her ears and her adenoids and tonsils should be taken out, too.  I was shocked, I was expecting an earwax build up (you should see the earwax that runs in the Daddy side of the family!). I cried. I didn’t want my baby hurting. Surgery?! And what do adenoids and tonsils have to do with this? Well, she apparently has huge tonsils that may be causing her some sleep issues like maybe a mild sleep apnea (she does snore…) so they should come out. (I’m still not convinced…)

For those that know me or have been around this blog a while, I like to do things a little more naturally. Especially, ya know, before slicing holes in my child’s eardrums, cutting out body parts, and spending thousands of dollars (no offense to those who have chosen the surgery route, I know it has its purpose and can be a huge help!). But more so than that, I believe in a Great Physician that can heal. I trust that He created our body and its functions for a reason. But, I also trust that if the way He intends to heal Savannah is through surgery, then that’s okay, too.

I felt lead though to try Chiropractic care first. We’ve been seeing one for about a year now, he corrected the migraines and vision issues I had been having daily (Praise God!). I asked if he would help us try to avoid surgery and he said yes….for free. Payment was a concern of mine because, well, Mark is skeptical. I’m lucky I even get to go once a month! Let alone taking Savannah 3 times a week for several weeks to do a series of adjustments for her ears? That would be quite a chunk of money. Praise God for our chiropractor’s generosity and caring. I have peace knowing we have nothing to loose simply in trying a different approach first.

Tonight though, I feel like we got our confirmation from God.  She was adjusted specifically for draining her ears on Friday and again this afternoon (Monday). We hadn’t noticed much a difference in her hearing, though we were told it could take weeks or might not even work at all if it was caused by something else. I got Savannah ready for bed,  turned on her night time music that plays over and over all night long. Its so loud that I can hear it all the way in my room with my door and her door shut.  We snuggled, giggled, talked about her new soccer practice experience, and said our prayers. She then got up to go to the bathroom one last time and something must have happened inside. She looked at me and said, “Mom! Why did you turn the music up so loud?! Its too loud! I can’t sleep like that!”  I flashed a huge smile and said, “Savannah its always this loud.”  I knew in that moment God heard my heartfelt prayers, that Savannah could hear better. Something shifted to drain the fluid naturally. She argued that it wasn’t always this loud even though I assured her that nothing had changed but her ears. After she turned it down to where she wanted it, I asked her if this is how soft she has always heard it and she said yes. She also said the “booming” she’s been hearing in her ears for months that she thought was “monsters coming” had gone, which I’m assuming was the sound of fluid in her ears popping. 2 adjustments, folks. God heard. God answered.

Mark is still skeptical, as I’m sure other people will be, too.  I know this is just the beginning, I accept that surgery could still be in her plans if her second opinion check up still shows fluid in a few weeks. However, I will say, that I have expectant faith that her hearing will continue to get better and surgery will be avoided all together. Its a fine balance between having strong faith that God asks us to have, yet also leaving room for His answer. And that’s why I’m writing this, to document how God works. That He does hear. He does answer…sometimes in the way we ask and sometimes not. I’m ready for that either way.

I also really wanted to share this for the many, many kids I know that doctors are telling them to put tubes in their ears to solve an issue.  I know its not a super major surgery, but its still surgery non-the-less involving emotions, pain, and money. I wanted to share so maybe others might be open to the idea that there are other options out there to pursue before opting for surgery. I used to be a skeptic in chiropractic care, too (looks kind scary watching it be done!). I’m totally a believer now in chiropractic care between this experience and my own issues with migraines that are now non-existent. God totally knew what He was doing when he designed our bodies and I truly feel like chiropractors are tools to keep our bodies in check when we throw them off.

Our story isn’t over, I know. But regardless, God is certainly using this time for some awesome things to bring Him glory. Even if its simply bringing me and Savannah closer to God, or helping Mark (and others) understand why I trust in the things I do, that’s pretty big.

Can we get some praise on up in here?

2012 I deemed the year of healing, and its moving right along in that direction. And its only January 26th. God is good. I love that sometimes you simply have to ask and be willing to take a step forward and He will answer.

Soul healing wise, I feel God moving and changing me already. And counseling so far? I’ve only been three times, but already God is using it to bring peace and understanding. Do you know how freeing that is? He’s not only used it to help understand decisions in my own life, but for Mark as well. He hasn’t gone with me (yet), but the things I’ve uncovered about my life are connected to his life, too. Its neat to see how God is speaking through this time and also using it to grow Mark and I closer.

Also, while this wasn’t exactly on my mind when I talked about healing before, God has answered it none-the-less. Jaxson is out growing his food allergies! He (WE! Because we are still nursing and loving it) can eat dairy now all we want.  I’ve had it in my diet for over a month now pretty consistently every day and no rashes have appeared or an upset tummy. Then, one day I experimented with him eating some yogurt in a smoothie. Nothing. Then yogurt straight out of the container. Nothing. Its been over 3 weeks now and I’m pretty sure his body has decided dairy isn’t all that bad. I still haven’t tried milk as a drink or given him cheese directly, but we’ll get there. Soy also doesn’t seem to bother him all of sudden either (which is great since its in everything, it seems). I haven’t tried nuts yet or eggs (although I still eat eggs baked in things occasionally, like a cookie last night, and there was no reaction). I know its common for food allergies to be out grown around 1 year old and I’m praising God we seem to be following in that pattern. It was just about 1 year ago his rashes started popping up out of no where, and I’m grateful that this year we conquered them and his cheeks are silky smooth as they should be!

So, mommas that have dealt with allergies while nursing or food allergies in general…have hope. Sure, allergies won’t always disappear but have hope that you can at least get them under control with a little change :-)

Any praise reports in your life? Big, small. Its all God loving on you. Soak it in.

Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

I’m am exhausted. It’s been a busy day cleaning, running errands, and preparing for a certain little boy’s 1st birthday tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m grateful for rest. Not just physical rest for my mind and body, but for my soul, too. A rest that only God can give.

I love how different Bible translations can change just one simple word and it can change the entire feeling and meaning. Tonight and tomorrow, this one fits:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (ESV).  Today, I’ve been working hard preparing. My body is tired from constantly moving, sometimes with a 19 pound boy strapped on my back when he wanted his Momma. A year ago, my body was literally in labor bringing him into this world and God provided rest and relaxation during so.

Usually though, I think of this version, because it reminds myself to bring my worries to Christ. A soulful rest. Peace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (NIV).

Goodnight, all. Tomorrow I have a 1 year old. I need my rest both physically and in my soul…

…I can’t believe its been a year…

Hopefully I can pass out like Savannah does.

Today was Orphan Sunday at our church and it sparked that passion inside I have for adoption on many levels, reminding me of the importance of adoption.

I’m thankful for how God has used adoption in my life, the story He’s given us to display His glory, the life He’s given Kaylee with her awesome parents. The mere fact that He had it all planned out– He took my bad choices and orchestrated it into a beautiful time line of events and blessed our relationship. I’m grateful for how adoption was an avenue God used to redeem my own life. And in another perspective, I’m thankful that we are all adopted into God’s family if we chose to accept it!

Jesus said in Matthew 25:45, “I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.”

“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” James 1:27

We talked about God calling us to help orphans and widows in various ways. Adoption, of course, being one of those ways, along with supporting those who are trying to adopt, sponsoring a child, or going on a mission trip, etc. Or, simply praying for them. Makes me wonder what God has in store for our future and how He’ll use us to help as we continue our walk!

By the way, November is National Adoption Awareness Month! Anything you want to know that I can help answer?

Strangely, yes, I am thankful for tough times. I know that sounds weird, who likes to go through a rough patch in life or have a bad day? I don’t. But in hindsight I am thankful for them because they stretch and grow me in new ways.  They build character. They refine me, like a a fire purifying gold. And ultimately, they draw me closer to God. That’s the best part.

Today has been one of those days.

Granted, I know I am blessed in that my life could be far worse than it is but little things are getting me down today, from issues going on within my marriage to the fact that Jaxson’s birthday is in a week….I’m an emotional wreck today. I feel blue (I’m sure hormones are adding to the emotional equation as my body is still going through transitions thanks to breastfeeding). I feel hopeless at times about certain things in life. I’m questioning God and His timing. I’m re-living the emotions I felt a year ago.

I’m a person that loves to reminisce and treasures silly things like ticket stubs, just so I can remember what movie I saw at what time and with who. Birthdays are like looking at a ticket stub to me. They suddenly rush back memories, good and bad. Of how and where I spent my day, first moments, emotions, frustrations, things I would change or wish I could re-live. The one thing that has brought tears more than once today is knowing that a year ago tonight, right now, I was in labor with Jaxson…and I miss it. A labor that started on its own on his due date, accelerated me to 6cm dilated and quit. Stopped. I consider this night the beginning of my birth experience, because after all, it was real contractions and real progress but that just happened to hit pause and left me hanging with a “To Be Continued” sign until a week later. It left me grieving the birth I didn’t have yet, it left me angry and confused. But yet, it left me having no where else to turn but to God for comfort. I look back at the blog post I wrote a few days after my stalled labor and again feel that deep disappointment and confusion, but I can also see a humble strength while I cried on my knees. And then, just a few days later I see a renewed strength and growth that only God could have given me. I can see how God used that time to draw me into His arms and love on me, urging me to trust Him. Just like in the many hard times I’ve had in my life whether small moments like this, or large ones like like my adoption experience or miscarriage, He’s always taught me things through them.

I know its silly that, not only am I crying about missing his birth experience, but the fact that his actual birthday is a week away! Tonight I’m trusting He’ll use my grief again and teach me something…and turn this birthday grieving into celebration of his birth and joy for the awesome little guy Jaxson is today one year later.

And, I’m trusting He’ll bless me with the experience of another natural birth in the future :-)

Yes, I know today is November 2nd. I’m starting my journey of thankfulness a day late, so expect 2 posts today to make up for it! Get ready for some thankful sappiness , folks :-)

I’m going to start by simply being thankful for God, for all that He is and does for us.  Without Him all the things in the posts that will follow would be meaningless or simply wouldn’t exist in my life. I would have made different choices without His guidance, I’m sure. Starting with God seems only natural as that is where I aim to have my focus every day.

I’m grateful for His sacrifice, because I know I am certainly unworthy. I’m thankful that He has redeemed me and washed my slate clean.  I’m not that girl I used to be and it is only by the mercy of God that I am able to let go of that baggage. I’m thankful for everyday that He gives me to spend on this earth with the many blessings He’s provided, especially my family.

Most of all, I’m thankful that He is a God that we can have a personal relationship with, that He’s not just a bunch of rules to follow or religion wrapped in tidy a bow, but a Father who loves us and desires to hear from us. His rules have a purpose to protect us, just as I have rules for my kids, not just to keep us from having fun. He’s a Father who shows me that love every single day if I’m paying attention, whether through something in nature or a verse in the Bible that seems to be written just for me and found at the perfect moment.   I love that I can go to Him with anything– even when I’m angry at God! He already knows my heart…why not tell him about it? I love the peace He has provided me in the hardest situations in my life even when I was hurt and angry with Him, like my adoption and miscarriage, but also  in the simplest moments of my daily life.

He’s a Father that sets the example of how to parent my own children. He shows the importance of discipline and how crucial gentle loving words are even when I selfishly want to say other things. I’m thankful for that role model, I’m thankful I have a guide in the Bible…even if it is confusing a times!

Thank you for You, God. All that you are.

(Borrowed this picture from my dear friend, Leslie, who saw this beautiful sunset after a night of worship with our church. Just another beautiful reminder of His love and goodness!)

This morning I had the privilege of sitting down and chatting with author Caroline B. Cooney (maybe you remember The Face on the Milk Carton?). Who knew that when I moved here a year and half ago, I would join an online mommy forum, meet a friend, and her mom would be a well known published author?  Not only that, but an author who’s writing I would devour in middle school, staying up well past my 11 year old bed time and reading until my eyes wouldn’t let me anymore. God knew and I’m certain He paved the way!  I’m sure He will continue to go before me as this novel on my heart becomes a reality. This task feels overwhelming at times, but I have to trust He will guide me because I’m absolutely positive He has a plan and purpose.

Coincidentally, that’s the number one thing I got out of our meeting today: how to not make it feel overwhelming. I often feel the urge to write, and then I sit down to type and words don’t come.  My thoughts get muddied with the big picture and I begin questioning my own ability at putting it all together (and God’s ability, too). But, she helped me realize  it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time I get the words out. It doesn’t even have to be written in order. Just write. She advised me that I write one paragraph/scene a day and throw myself into it with as much detail as I can. One paragraph? That sounds so much more manageable! After all, with 2 kids, managing a household, playdates, among other writing projects, its hard to find time for myself to work on this but I’m certain that I have a few minutes during naps or late nights to focus on just one scene as it comes to mind. She’s been writing for many years, with 3 now-grown kids of her own so she knows how hard it can be to find time and balance those roles. Its good to know that being an author with young children can work without pushing the kids to the wayside. Sure it might take longer, but it can be done.

She also threw me for a loop, making a suggestion to write the story as a completely separate fiction story and only some parts of the  adoption experience be drawn from my own life. Its totally different than the approach I was planning in taking, but that’s what the writing process is all about….revising ideas, perspectives, and words. It would still have the overall open adoption and godly message, but with a girl of a slightly different age, different home situation, different location, different appearance, etc. The idea is that I have more freedom since I wouldn’t be tied down to reality. I would be able to add more tension and subplots to keep readers interested in reading, yet still share the message that I feel needs to be shared.

I’m still sitting and praying on that idea of writing a whole different story because I feel strongly that God wants me to tell our story. But in a way, it feels freeing because part of what felt overwhelming before is knowing that as I write our story out I was going to have to dive into personal situations and personify important people in my life, like my parents or her birthfather. In reality this was a painful time for all of us, and while tension and not-so-easy times needs to be in the story, it doesn’t have to be exactly our story to still portray the message I’d like the world to receive.  I also don’t want important people in my life to feel hurt by how I portrayed them. So, these wouldn’t be my parents, they would be this fictional girl’s parents. They would be completely different people. This way, I can also dive into other perspectives, like the girl’s parents views or adoptive parents and not feel like I’ll be stepping on any toes. I feel like maybe this story could be more complete in a way just writing my story couldn’t be as a fiction. Like I said, I’m still mulling all this over and praying about it, I’m feeling very mixed. Its different, but ultimately, I know God will guide me to how its supposed to be.

What do yall think of that? I know many of you were looking forward to reading even more details of our adoption story, what do you think of this new perspective? 

“You are the light of the world- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 6:14-16

This has been the focus in our house lately, learning to let our light shine….even when its hard.

However, I didn’t find this verse until 2 days ago when I “accidentally” (are there any accidents when God is moving in our lives?) stumbled on it, the idea to focus on our lights actually came from the song “This Little Light of Mine.” Its one of Savannah’s favorites right now and the Holy Spirit has guided me in how to use it as a parenting tool. God is awesome like that, I needed help in my parenting and He provided it through a simple song.

See, we’ve had some behavior issues and parent-child disconnect lately with Savannah. Some issues are admittedly my own fault in that she has learned how to handle her daily life frustrations in the same way I do, like blowing things out of proportion and yelling (I confess!). I was tired of fighting battles everyday, I was tired of being a yelling mommy and feeling my anger spiral out of control while watching my daughter do the same. I absolutely did not like knowing that my unthoughtful words were wounding her spirit and heart, and in turn she was acting out and dishing out the same unkindness.  So, I felt like we needed to work on this together but wasn’t sure what to do to encourage a change in her behavior, let alone my own. Old habits die hard, huh?

It’s amazing to see how God can work when we humble ourselves! One day Savannah said in her giddy 4 year old voice, “You know my favorite part of that song, Mommy? The part where it says, ‘Don’t let Satan blow it out, NO! I’m going to let it shine’ because I love Jesus!” And that got me thinking  about this song a little deeper (blame the English major in me and the Holy Spirit’s wonderful prompting!) and how we each have “lights” inside of us. I imagine it to be like a candle light, softly dancing with joy, and providing a light to all that is near. Our light is not only our love and faith in Jesus, but its our choice to live as He’s called us so others can see Jesus in us. Specifically, we do that by loving each other and bearing spiritual fruits (patience, kindness, self-control, etc. Galatians 5:22-23). When we let anger, selfishness, greed, etc. take over that is letting Satan blow that light and love out.  As I strive to teach my kids how to not only “behave” but to know Jesus as a personal friend, I’m also striving to better myself as a person and soak in these lessons as well. It often goes hand in hand, me and my kids, we are on this learning path of life together.

So I said to her, “You know Savannah, when you aren’t obeying Mommy or Daddy and yelling at us when you get angry…that is letting Satan blow your light out.” And, what do you know, it stuck! The visual of us each having a light inside that can love has really sunk into her, she wants to be like Jesus and have her light shine. And now, in moments when she may be on the edge of no return after she dislikes what I’ve said, I gently remind her about her light. “Savannah, is your light blown out?” It happened just today when I told her we weren’t buying an Icee at Target and it stopped her in her “You don’t EVER buy me anything” dramatic tracks. In turn, she now is doing the same to me when I  I feel the heat of anger rising in me and that tone of voice starts creeping out. “Mom, I think you’re light is blown out.” It always snaps me back into focus on how God has called us to love, in gentleness and patience even when its hard, and how to be a better example to my children. I’m so thankful for her accountability.

The biggest result of this little lesson? It isn’t that she behaves better, listens more, or that I yell less. It is that we both genuinely have JOY in our hearts nearly every moment now, that glow of light is felt in me and I can see it in her big blue eyes too. Joy for Jesus, joy for life, joy for our mother-daughter relationship. I love asking her, “Is your light shining?” and watching her enthusiastically squeal “Yes!“  That is priceless.

One of the things I am most enjoying as a parent is watching Savannah grow, not just physically into a beautiful girl, but spiritually as well. She is teaching me things, keeping me accountable and how to live out our faith in a childlike way. I love it!

So often I doubt myself as a Mom, like I’m not doing enough…not trying hard enough.

To control my temper and instead respond to Savannah with a gentle answer.

She watches too much TV.

Doesn’t eat enough fruits and veggies and instead eats too many sweets.

I forget to start our day in prayer, or even give thanks before our meals.

I don’t discipline her consistently.

I don’t make the time to just sit and play with her each day.

I don’t make the effort to do crafts with her (not that that is a mom requirement! But we both love crafts, WHY don’t I do more with her?)

I don’t spend time in the Bible with her each day.

But then, there are moments that make me realize I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do, like this one today. In the car she had me turn off the radio and paused her DVD player (again with the too much TV!) so she could excitedly say:

“Mom! Last night I had a really bad dream that a lobster came alive and was trying to snap me! But then, I prayed to Jesus and He gave me a good dream.”

Sure, I may not pray before meals, but we say a heartfelt prayer before bed each night, dishing out our worries and thanks to God (praying for a gentle answer, patience, joy, and love between us is a common prayer!) .  When she wakes up with a bad dream I always say a prayer with her for comfort. We talk about God throughout our days, because ultimately life around us always points back to Him. I make it a priority (now) to get our family to church when we can. That’s something.

And really, isn’t that what this motherhood journey is about? For me, the fact that Savannah’s heart is fill with God’s love is top priority. Who cares how many crafts we do or if the food she eats is organic if she knows God. If she can truly know God personally from an early age, and see God in me, the rest will outflow. I find comfort knowing that she is soaking up good things even if I don’t feel qualified at times due to my own sinful, selfish words and actions. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life…

….but sometimes I need to look past all the I don’ts and open my eyes to the I do’s.

Those doubts aren’t from God, quite the opposite.

I am good enough.

So are you.