As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

Every since last Thursday when I was on the radio, it has renewed my passion. I have many passions in life, but particularly, my passion for writing and sharing our adoption story. I strongly feel that coming up on 6 years ago when I became pregnant and made the choice of adoption with God’s leading the way, that in turn He gave me the gift of writing.  In fact, I started blogging when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It was not much of a blog/journal, it was filled with exclamation points that had no reason to be there, a ton of “LOL’s”, lots of complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and in general just youthful in content and grammar (I was 16, after all).  However, after Kaylee’s birth I obviously dealt with a lot of emotions and God revealed Himself to me more, and so my writing became more seasoned and meaningful.  By the time Kaylee had turned one, I knew in the dept of my soul that God wanted me to use our story and use my writing to proclaim who God truly is and show that adoption can be such a blessing.

I wrote my story out in many places, mostly online but also academically and many of my papers were chosen to share with students. Seriously, just every research paper I’ve done in college has related back to adoption in some way.  One amazingly inspirational English teacher I had at Appalachian State  commented on one of my papers, “Content is always the most important and yours is always so compelling when you write on this subject!  You really should consider writing about your experiences for publication!” (Between his encouragement and my Dad’s, that is why I became an English major).

People have told me I should write a book for years, and trust me, I want to.  I have plans in my head but it’s scary to commit the time when I have no idea where to begin, or who to take my writing to.  I need a magic formula, do you  have one? But, the comment last week from the radio host confirmed to me again that I need to do this. Not just to sell books, not just to get my name out there, not for my glory but for God’s. And also to preserve my feelings and thoughts in paper, in hopes that it encourages others and one day it will give Kaylee a deeper understanding of my time with her and how much I love her.

I don’t know when I’ll start writing, I mean really writing. I always assumed I would wait until I graduated because then I would have more free time, right?  I’ve learned that with Motherhood there is no such thing as free time, whether you are in school or work or stay at home.  So I need to stop making excuses and let God lead the way, eh?

Seriously though, if you have a magic writing formula to follow or just a good resource about how to go about this, please do share!

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

I’m home.

I got there at 11, they took me back pretty quickly to get changed and an iv started (which I had to go through twice!  That was the most painful part, ugh. It was worse than the times I had it during child labor)  I was touched that the dr (never met before) said a prayer for me, the baby in heaven, my children here on earth that they would know God as they grow, etc. before he left. It calmed me a lot knowing he was a Christian too and I felt like I was in good hands. Mom was able to come back after I was settled in and we waited and talked until 1:30 when they took me back (they were running late).  I was starving and it sucked.

They gave me medicine through my IV before I was even wheeled to the OR and by the time I was down the hall and saw the room I was already feeling tired.  I remember they moved me to the operating table and put an oxygen mask on and the next thing I know I was waking up in recovery an hour later.  I wasn’t in pain (and still not), just tired. And when I realized where I was I started crying. That all this was over, the remains of my babies tissue were gone, that I was no longer pregnant, etc.  The nurse was very sweet and rubbed my back and gave me tissues.  Every person that took care of me was amazing and made the process so much easier to have great people around me.  I think some one commented, either here or elsewhere, a prayer  that angels would be with every person that worked with me, and I truly felt they were. I felt in very good hands.

I was moved to second recovery soon after I woke up where my Mom joined me and I got the best tasting ginger ale and crackers ever (lol I was so hungry). I had no nausea which was good, they kept warning me about it and I know friends and family that react badly to it but I was fine.  I was meeting all the “requirements” to go home easily and felt good so by 4:30 I was able to go home. I got soup on the way home from Panera Bread and was able to eat some of that.

Savannah snuggled with me after dinner, she was upset I can’t lift her up or play right now so snuggling satisfied her.  I’m doing really, really well. Seriously, very little pain, mostly none without even pain meds. I’m just tired and taking it easy and loving being able to just relax.

Thanks for all the prayers! They are truly felt right now, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I’m not in any pain and feel at peace, even when I get a little teary-eyed some times that all this is over.

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.

Today is the day. Finally.  I can’t lie, I’m nervous as can be, but also have a peace that God’s will is to be done. And mostly, I have a really positive feeling that we’re about to experience a miracle, however God sees fit in doing that.  I feel like God is leaving little finger prints everywhere, that He’s got this under control. Like, yesterday before church I had the “Might to Save” song on my heart again and I prayed, “God, please let them play that song at church today! I need to hear it” and guess what? It was the very first song they played. I don’t think I’ve ever worshipped my God that hard before, it was confirmation to me that He’s still here, He hears my prayers, and He knows His plans.

So, the appointment is at 1:30pm today. I’m sure I’ll rush to the computer when I get home to share the details. Keep praying, yall. I have a feeling something miraculous will happen.

Be back later!

I’m still hanging in there, and doing surprising well. Since Monday I have had this surreal peace and calmness surrounding me at all times, like I can literally feel all the prayers giving me strength. It’s a God thing, seriously, because other wise I know I would be a wreck. I still feel pregnant, I’ve had nausea all day today and still no bleeding so I’m hopeful for a miracle but also willing to accept whatever God has in store for our lives. I know He is still God, He is still in control, and He still loves me.  I trust Him to be the author of our story.

Also, on a huge sigh of relief note…school is over!  Of course, it will start back up for me in about 3 weeks but it will be with an awesome teacher and an interesting topic AND it gets me ahead so I’m not complaing.  I love sumer time.  I’m so excited to get back to the library and read books for my own pleasure and not for class. Any suggestions?

Thanks again for all the comments and prayers, they are helping!

Car rides often lead to revelations for me. Something about the quiet moments, the inspirational music, the mind numbing action of driving ,all work together to be a place where God can speak to me, to calm me.  Today on the way to school, it was one of those moments.

Today encouragement came through the song, “Mighty to Save” by Hillsong. We’ve sang this song many, many times at church and I’ve sung it many times in my own quiet time and I’ve always loved it. But today, it brought a whole new meaning to me as I face the uncertainty of these next few weeks.

“Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.”

Singing that chorus brought a whole new trust in my God. That he can move mountains, and he conquered the grave, of course He has control of this situation as well. Of course he will save me and these babies in His time and in His way. 

“I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.”

And that’s what it was for me, a moment of surrender. I haven’t surrendered in a long, long time. I’ve been so distant from God in my busy life these past few months but in this moment I did surrender to God’s plan, to His love.  It’s sad that it takes a rough experience in life for me to reach out again, but still I feel welcomed with open arms.

“Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We’re singing for the glory of the risen King”

And lastly, I was encouraged to praise Him no matter what happens with these babies.  I felt the peace and encouragement I feel when I talk about Kaylee, that though my pain during her adoption was  hard to bare at times, our story has brought so many people encouragement and an example of who God is.  I have no fear that however this new story unfolds, God will be the author and shine through as well.

Lord, now I surrender…

I never, ever thought a post like this would come from me. A young girl who has had two healthy pregnancies, two healthy girls. Let me explain:

My midwife ordered an ultrasound for today to check my dates since I have irregular cycles now (sorry Dad, too much information, I’m sure!).  According to my last cycle I should be well into 8 weeks, but I thought I would be around 7 weeks.  Well, we go to the appointment and the ultrasound technician is quiet until I ask a question.  And she said, “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure, but there are two yolk sacs.” However, there was only one baby we could see. It appears the other baby already has passed away and the sac is shrinking, which happens a lot in many women.  And I’m ok with that because seriously? Us having twins?  We would go insane. And my body who can barely fit one baby, holding two?  Ouch.

But, what is concerning to me and the doctor there is that the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks (which I suppose is plausible) and the heart rate is very, very low at 67 bpm.  Now, let me put this in perspective. A baby’s heart starts beating around 5 or 6 weeks and it quickly goes to being in  100’s, this baby should be all the way in the 130’s or 140’s or even higher.  Not good. So, unless something miraculous happens by my next appointment and God decides this baby has a purpose on earth, it really appears that I’ll have two babies in heaven.

This is all a shock to us of course. We weren’t expecting twins and we weren’t expecting our baby to not to be healthy. I mean, how can it be? But I have faith in God and that things do happen for a reason.  I like the way Mark put it, he said that we’ll have two babies who don’t have to suffer through this fallen world and they can go straight to heaven. And I responded with, “But I never got to know them…” and he said, “But we’ll have eternity with them and get to know them.”  My husband sure is a good man with a way to ease my heart.

I’m ok, really. I have peace as I rest in God’s will and warm presence. I trust that He knows what is best for these babies and for our family. I trust that we’ll expand our family again someday when the timing is right.

Until we know more, if you are the praying type, prays would be lovely. Grief has already set in as I (we) prepare for the worst soon.

P.S.  Don’t forget the breast pump giveaway ends today!

Do you see the date, folks?  It’s February 20th, 2009.  How, oh how, did this weekend approach so fast?!  Savannah’s birthday is still 2 days away but we’re celebrating tomorrow since it’s easier for people to travel on a Saturday.

Last year before her 1st birthday I found myself remembering every minute up to the time she was born.  Honestly, I was sad that my baby was growing up and I wanted time to slow down.  I think I had to grieve letting go of the baby days.  I guess time changes things as our children grow (though this post does make me a little weepy still!). This year I am nothing but excited for another birthday reached, another year full of wonder and growth (and hard times, too). This year, she already feels like she is two so it doesn’t feel like a “big deal” to me.  Sure, as the day creeps closer I’m finding myself remember more and miss those sweet pregnancy and newborn moments, but not to the extent of last year.  Maybe part of it is because I can hardly remember her being a newborn anymore, perhaps that makes it easier.

I am just amazed at how wonderful Savannah is, what a blessing and joy she is for our family. Thank you, Lord.

That said, tomorrow will be full of family, friends, princesses, and lots of pink and purple! Savannah is already excited and has been singing herself Happy Birthday all day.  Gosh, I love her.  Pictures are sure to follow later this weekend.

And, though I’ve been cutting out sugar lately…I’m pretty darn excited to cut into this cake!