(Just so you aren’t confused…I wrote this the same night as the last post, Forming the Adoption Puzzle, but this deserved its own separate post. Plus, I wanted to space out posts since I’ve been slacking lately :-) So, pretend its Friday April 15th again!)

Pregnancy, birth, and all things tiny-newborn-cute  has started to consume me again. I know, I still have a completely adorable and happy 5 month old baby upstairs blissfully sleeping, but I can’t help myself. There is seriously some hardwired momma gene in me I can’t just turn off. And no, I’m not pregnant. But, after months of talking Mark has finally officially agreed to having a 3rd child down the road, so just the thought that I will get to experience the amazingness of pregnancy and natural birth again (God willing, of course) has had me doing a happy dance all week. Of course, ideally I’d like to wait awhile to let my body heal and to enjoy the sweet baby that Jaxson is so don’t expect a baby bump on this blog any time soon!

That said, tonight (along with our adoption talk) Savannah revealed something else to me that I hadn’t known she thought about in her little girl mind. I told you, it was a serious discussion night during our snuggle session. In the book we were reading, the sister goes to the hospital to visit her Mommy and new baby brother and she stopped me while reading.

Savannah- “Mommy, why did she go to the hospital?”

Me- “Well, that’s where she went to have her baby. Just like when I went to the birthing center to have Jaxson.”

Savannah- “But, why didn’t I get to go to the birthing center?”

Me- “Did you want to?”

Savannah- “Yeah, I wanted to watch him come out.”

Whoa!  Like, whoa in a good way. I debated whether I wanted Savannah in the room or not when Jaxson made his debut, but I hadn’t done the whole natural-birthing-thing before and I didn’t even know what it would be like myself.  I didn’t know how I’d react to the contractions, the noises I’d make, if I would be straight up scary to be around, etc. and I just didn’t feel comfy with anyone else in the room except my husband and midwife. But, it melted my heart to hear her say that she wanted to be there. It makes sense to me that she would want to, after all she was there for every prenatal appointment, she felt his kicks and sang to him every night, we watching baby stories on TV and talked about birth. She was very involved with his pregnancy and it fascinated her, why wouldn’t she want to see her baby brother come out?  Next time, I think it would be neat for her to experience it. I feel like I know more now that I’ve lived it, that I could do my birthing thing with her observing the miracle nearby. I want to raise her to not fear child birth, that it’s a natural thing that God so beautifully designed. I want her to know that it isn’t painful if we let our body do its thing. What better way to teach her that, than to show her that? Society teaches about birth differently and in a much different light…I’d rather her see it for what it is, not what the way culture would have her believe it is. This article explains why its beneficial to have children present. Yeah, its not a choice for everyone just like natural birth isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but its one I’m willing to explore.

Also, every time we talk about having another baby she insists it will be a girl. Tonight when I told her she might be able to watch next time, “Then I’ll have a baby brother AND a baby sister living with me!” Hopeful? Or intuitive? Like I said though, don’t expect a baby bump around here any time soon!

As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.

I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4

Jaxson is 2 month old today. Mark and I were telling each other yesterday, how it feels like he’s been with us forever yet at the same time it feels like he just arrived, too. Funny thing that sense of time! 

We are much more settled into a routine now, especially since Savannah started school back after the holidays and I have been working on getting Jaxson on a routine with Baby Wise. Kids thrive off routine, and I do much better as a parent with a routine too so life is feeling more manageable now. Especially now that my baby blues are better, thanks to some help from placenta hormones. Never thought I would do that because I know it sounds gross, but I was desperate to feel happy again and it made a HUGE difference! I’m still up a lot during the nights with Jaxson but some nights blow me a way with a stretch of 4 or 5 hours at a time. Now, if I would just go to bed earlier I could enjoy more of that chunk of sleep! Savannah was a horrible sleeper as a baby because she was so dependent on me, and still is some nights (like last night she was up 3 times needing me to put her back to bed!) so it thrills me that Jaxson is already headed in the right direction with sleep. Of course we still have nights where I’m up every hour like last night…but I’m okay. It amazes me how this time I’m much more relaxed about not getting sleep (I guess because I already knew what it would be like?) and how I can still function on so little. Its totally worth it to wake up to his coos and blue eyes!

 Last week a friend of mine helped me get some newborn-ish pictures since I had a falling out with the photographer I had paid to do it with my maternity/newborn package. Let me just say, trying to get a 7 week old to pose is hard stuff and it took the entire day between feeding Jaxson and our other kids,  comforting him when he fussy, setting up new shots as the natural light changed, etc.  He would not stay asleep for the sleepy newborn poses (we got lucky at the very end of the day), he was very wiggly and was more stiff than a fresh newborn since he’s learned how to use his little muscles. All of this is why they say take them within the first 2 weeks. (*ahem* trying not to go into a rant here!). We did get some really good ones though, they may not be the fresh-curled-up-sleepy-newborn I had envisioned when I bought my photo package, but since he was a little bit older she captured his budding personality and cute baby smiles really well. I love them! She took the pictures with my camera and I edited these below, I have yet to see the ones she edited but I can’t wait to see since we both have different styles and ideas :-)

I really could stare at his sweet face all day long.

Like I said before, 2010 was a fabulous year for me. I realized though after posting that there was so much more to it than just materialistic things like our new house, car, and my graduation diploma…there were prayers answered. It was God-filled. While certainly I feel like God blessed us with being able to purchase our own house and replace my falling apart car with a new one…things happened in 2010 that cannot be bought for any price. 

I can easier admit now that after my miscarriage of the twins, I was left doubting God and quite frankly was angry at Him. How could he take away my babies? I am fertile-myrtle, things like that don’t happen to me! Strangely though, I did have peace in their loss even as it happened and knew that it happen for a reason, but I still held on to blaming God for that hurt in my life as time went by. Thankfully though, God has used Jaxson’s pregnancy to help me overcome that, to trust Him again and prove that He is still trustworthy even when things don’t happen as we think they should.  Essentially, I feel He has used Jaxson’s pregnancy and birth to bring so many blessings and answered prayers in my life this past year. I clung to God as I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson because otherwise fear overcame me that I would lose that pregnancy, too. As many of us know, that desperation of no where else to turn is what brings us closer to God, and I’m thankful for that even though its hard!  Then, as Jaxson’s birth neared I clung to Him even more as I prepared to give birth the way I felt He intended it to be…naturally. As a result, He put so many wonderful people and resources in my path that helped me through my journey and were a huge support.  I truly feel like God was present at Jaxson’s birth, from giving me the strength to do it naturally, to watching over us as Jax came out with the cord around his neck four times and myself bleeding too much afterward.  Many people, especially family, were skeptical or worried about Jaxson’s birth and us using a birth center outside of the hospital but I felt in the depths of my heart that God had promised this birth to me in the way I desired and I held onto that promise.  He was our strength and protector.

Also, a huge answered prayer was a simple one: friends. Being a young Mom and wife, a birthmom, a Christian, etc. I have often felt like I don’t always “fit in.”  Really, more like caught in the middle.  Especially when I was still in college, I wasn’t a typical collage student that partied or lived near campus to be able to join in with people I met in classes. I went to school and went straight home to my baby girl and husband, and that was totally fine with me! But, it also felt odd to try to get to know women who did have a husband and kids because I am, well, usually a lot younger than them. Not that it bothers me at all to hang out with people older than me, but I just don’t want to be judged by my youngness. My life style was a mix of the “young” crowd and the “stay at home mom” crowd but with no one place to accommodate both. So, basically, Mark and I were our own best friends and my only other close friends lived hours and states away like Breannaor Victoria. I know my online friendships have value and are blessings in themselves but, of course, I really craved having someone (or a few someones!) that I could get to know really well locally. I wanted to be able call someone up for coffee each week or have a playdate with our kids while we chatted. I seriously prayed for years that God would bring some one that 1) was Christian that I could have spiritual conversations with 2) had kids so they understood my lifestyle.  And finally, in 2010 that happened. Not one, but several friends (thanks to my favorite Mommy Network!) that I can call and vent things to, to pray with me, to encourage each other, to watch our kids play together…such huge blessing! Now in 2011 I pray that Mark can find that same connection with men in our area because I know he is feeling just as I was and I know its hard at times. Life with friends to share and do things with is much sweeter!

So, in 2011 I pray that we are even more God-filled. That I can grow closer to God, to go to chuch more than 1 time a month, break out of my shell to actually get connected and know people, like through a small group. I pray that I can have a heart to serve just as others have helped me this past year when I needed it. I pray Mark feels that calling to God too, gets connected with others, and we in-turn grow together as a married couple in Christ. I pray that this year we truly realize that our body is a temple and we should treat it that way…therefore eating healthier as a family. I pray Savannah continues to grow in and learn about God (more on that soon!). I pray all my kids, whether with me or not, are safe, healthy, and know they are loved by me and God.

Seriously, 2010 was the best year ever. In so many ways. I sit here with a sleeping baby boy in my lap, warm and cozy in my house, a diploma in my possession resembling goals met and hardwork, beautiful snow on the ground, playdates planned for later this week, and I can’t help but feel blessedly fuzzy inside. Thank you, God, for everything. I know 2011 can be just as filled, if not more, with us clinging to Him as our foundation.

I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

Jaxson is still baking at 98.7 degrees.

Apparently he isn’t done cooking so the small leak I was having sealed itself back up (yes, it can happen! I probably had a “high leak”) and no real contractions ever started. And while it was disappointing to go from “He’s coming now!” and getting the whole internet, family, and friends excited…I’m okay with it. I am truly enjoying pregnancy and don’t feel like I need to rush him out. Especially, if this is our last child I want to treasure these days feeling his movements inside because I know how much I miss pregnancy when it’s over.

That said, I have been having lots of prelabor symptoms and it seems to be doing something since I’m already progressing (2cm dilated, 25% effaced, and he’s at -1 station last checked on Tuesday). I’m using this time to really relax and trust my body to do it’s thing. Of course, even with all my prelabor signs it still could be weeks. I am trusting that God, this baby, and my body know what it’s doing and the real time will come when it’s ready :-) That peace and actually enjoying pregnancy at this point (among the cramps, backaches, sleep issues, etc) is such a different feeling than I had with Kaylee or Savannah. I just wanted them out and was miserable those last weeks because I dwelled on the pains and only looked forward instead of living in the present. This time the perspective is totally different and I feel its a God thing helping me to slow down and cherish it.  And when I do have my moments of, “I am done with this pregnancy thing! Come out!” I remember that whether he comes tonight or in 2 weeks, that still is really close :-) He will be here before we know it.

Until then, I’ll be relaxing and treasuring every kick…

It happens every time.

I generally feel great during pregnancy and love it. Despite the 1st trimester gagging, the backaches, and heartburn…I generally enjoy my time with each child in this special time. But something changes in the 8th month. I get emotional, overwhelmed. I cry.

With Kaylee, I was 16 years old and 8 months pregnant my junior year of high school. As the weeks went by the backaches from sitting in hard chairs kept getting to me, the emotions of making an adoption plan were on my mind all the time, and I just felt overwhelmed by all that life was throwing at my young self. One day, I was taking my sweet time walking waddling  in the halls to my class on the other side of the building. I had permission to do so from my teachers, knowing that it was getting harder for me to get around quickly.  But, a male staff member who didn’t know me stopped and said, “Where is your hall pass? You aren’t supposed to be in the halls still.” I looked at him and started to cry. I hate being in trouble and maybe if I could speak amongst my sobs I could have explained. He just looked shocked and like he had no idea what to do with me. Thankfully one of my teachers who did know me walked by and took care of the situation, calmed me down, then told me…”Why don’t you go home, Leah?”  And I did…for the rest of the semester (Thankfully it was just a month or so I missed since Kaylee’s due date was early June) because I just couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore. I promised my doctor if he gave me a medical note I would graduate high school when I returned and would fulfill my requirements from home to finish my junior year (obviously, I did AND went on to graduate college!.

With Savannah, I was working full time. I loved my job and the people I worked with. It was my escape from the maternity home I lived in at the time, the drama of family and knowing parenthood at 19 was around the corner. But again, one day I snapped. I sat in my cubicle and cried at work. I don’t even remember why. Again, my boss came over and said…”Why don’t you go home, Leah? We can get some one else to wrap up your last project.”

Today, I’m feeling the same way again. But its not school, work, adoption, or family drama overwhelming me. It’s my daughter. She doesn’t stop talking, whether it’s about birds eating outside or whining that I won’t give her chocolate milk right now. I can’t seem to find quiet unless she’s asleep. It’s the arguing and crying when I say no. It’s the laundry that doesn’t put itself away or the hundreds of crayons spread all over the living room. It’s that I let Savannah watch too much TV because I just don’t have the energy to play all day or simply even know what else to do with her. It’s that I feel like I do everything to maintain this house and would love help. It’s the void I feel that I haven’t spent real time with God lately. It’s the guilt knowing that we aren’t doing enough as her Mom and Dad to show her about how great God is, to give her a foundation of Truth to have a different life than I lead.  Today I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need “work” in my life.

This time I don’t have a boss to tell me, “Why don’t you go home, Leah? Go relax!  Forget about that Mom or House Maid project you have going on, some one else will pick it up.” Because being a Mom or running a household…you ARE the boss and if you don’t do your job no one will.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, our house, this baby boy inside me. Most days I’m overflowing with joy thinking at how God has blessed us as a family, has blessed me as a person so undeserving. But some days I want to just want to hit pause. And cry.

35 weeks tomorrow. Change is just around the corner…and I’m sure it’ll only get harder.

This post is brought to you by a dose of real life. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I feel like all I talk about is pregnancy and baby stuff now, so how about a Savannah update?

The biggest thing going on in her little life right now is that she started pre-school last week! It’s actually a Mom’s Morning Out program, but shhhh, she doesn’t know that.  It’s at a nearby church so she is learning about God and typical stuff like letters and getting to play with other kids her age twice a week 9-12. She absolutely loves it and jumped right in every time we have gone for tours, open house, etc. So, it wasn’t surprising when I dropped her off on the first day last week she ran off to play with barely telling me goodbye. It was surprising that I didn’t cry though :-) And me? I’m enjoying having a few hours a week to get things done like cleaning and writing. I can’t believe how big she is getting though, that she is old enough to go to school. She is definitely a big girl now, and a big girl attitude to go with it!

Seriously, her attitude and arguing is like trying to reason with a teenager some times (we are in trouble in 10 years!). That is by far the biggest frustration right now, thankfully most days are good overall. However, there are some days I feel like we argue in circles, constantly, about everything from how much cereal I gave her to what shoes she needs to wear to the park. I try to give choices but she can be one stubborn girl, wanting exactly the one thing she doesn’t need! One day about a month ago, I had to just go upstairs and cry. Like, sit in my dark closet and cry and pray because my patience was gone and I literally did not know what else to do.  So, life isn’t perfect always in my world. It is those moments and days that I want to keep Jaxson in forever, because I don’t know how I can handle a teenager in a 3 year old body and a newborn’s demands on little sleep. But, from what I hear, you just do it and it’ll come naturally. I hope so.

When she isn’t Ms. Attitude, she is absolutely on of the sweetest girls ever (and she will tell you that too! “Mommy I’m being sweet to you today!”). She helps me when I need it (sometimes…), like putting away dishes or picking something off the floor now that it’s hard to reach. She still will snuggle me on the couch and let me rock her. She has to have me scratch her back and snuggle her every night before bed. She sings Jaxson lullabies every night, “tickles” him, and carries on a conversation with him (aka…me in a baby voice) often. I really think she will be a great big sister, she’s ready to help and so excited for her little brother’s arrival.

And now if you excuse me…I have to pick her up from her school soon :-)