As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

3 years ago today at 9:22pm, a little girl entered our lives…

changing us forever.

I tend to sit and reflect on my children’s birthdays (or even my own). Birthdays aren’t just about celebrating for me, but a time to look back and see the growth, changes, and looking forward to what is to come this new birth year.

I honestly have a hard time remembering Savannah ever being that tiny newborn pictured above, or even as a toddling one year old.  It seems like we’ve always had this intelligent, curious, sassy little girl.

The two’s were filled with…well…two year old behavior. One minute she was my best little buddy and the next she was throwing a tantrum because it was time to leave the library. But even on a long, frustrating day there was always a redeeming moment that made the whole battle worth it; Like her falling asleep in my arms as if she was a baby again, or making up a new game before bedtime. Those moments are what keeps us Moms hanging on.

The two’s exploded our home with new words and an imagination that doesn’t stop, even at 2 am.  New skills emerged, like discovering her love to be crafty or cook like her momma, learning numbers and letters, how to build with blocks or finish puzzles.  The two’s brought new stories and voices (coming from the two year old mind/mouth) of princess dolls, Thomas the train, or anything she felt needed a voice. It seems like a new discovery was made every single day, it was a mind blowing year of development. It was the year we finally got sleep issues under control. The year she finally gave up the pacy and crib, officially becoming a “big girl.”

And now, we have a three year old. I imagine that means even more development, independence, and sassy attitude but I hope it also means more great memories as she blooms into the person she is.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! We love you, oh, so, very much.

My, how we’ve come so far in just 3 years.

As individuals and as a family.

Holy Moly! Has it been 2.5 weeks already since I posted?  Going out of town through my life out of whack and I’m still trying to catch up with all the things I’ve missed (101 emails, anyone? or 100 blog posts to read? or 174 facebook updates?).

Today was the first day of classes and I can tell I’m going to have a challenging, work filled semester. Thankfully, it’s the last one, but bear with me as I post when I can between assignments and the 100’s of pages of readings on top of laundry, spending time with Savannah, planning her 3rd birthday party, and oh yeah…buying a house and moving all our stuff and making it look presentable. I’m stressed just thinking about all this and I have a feeling my blog posts will get pushed down to the bottom of the to-do list. 

Hopefully coming this week:

-Christmas pictures

-Kaylee visit!

-My mommy getaway trip recap

-House news

In short: a lot has happened in the last 2.5 weeks so be ready for update overload!

The people: Mommy and Savannah

The scene: Savannah is playing with a Micky Mouse Train ornament while Mommy is watching her go around and around the coffee table saying, “Choo choo!”

The dialouge:

Mommy: *smelling something stinky* Savannah, do you have a poop?

Savannah: *gives me a funny look* No, that’s the coal. We don’t change the coal!

Apparently her and Micky train are one, and her poops fuel his engine. LOL!  Her imagination has really taken off in the past few weeks and it’s so fun to hear her take things she’s learning (like that trains need coal) or things she hears from us daily (like after her juice is gone she has to drink water) being interjected into her playtime.  It’s so funny!

I love being her Mom :-)

I’m starting to think there are certain stages of childhood that different parents can “do” better. Have you ever heard of that? I have some where before, and it’s certainly ringing true right now.

My ideal stage in parenthood? Babies. I can do the baby stage quite well. I feel like I was made to spend my days nursing, rocking, cooing, making baby food, changing diapers, making a little human smile, and teaching them basic things in life like how to roll over. I can do that, I love doing those thing. Yes, it’s a very tiring stage and physically demanding, but I feel like my personality better suites me in this “quieter”  stage and less mobility (this would make a great research paper idea, no?). I could just sit and rock Savannah for hours, or let her have tummy time while I folded laundry. I could also get more homework done and got better grades, strangely.

But, babies grow up. And this toddler business? Is kicking my mommy butt.  The attempt at discipline, the tantrums, the picky eating, the STILL not sleeping, the fight for independence, the arguing over everything, all the “Why, why, why’s!”, the screaming bloody murder when we have to leave public places. Savannah and I are constantly butting heads right now.  This day, this week, this month, has been a huge test and thank God I don’t get graded on my parenting. I would be failing, or at least I feel I would be (though others say I’m doing just fine and all this is normal). The terrible twos have arrived. And quite frankly, I hate it.

Mark though? He is much better at this toddler thing. He can do the disciplining, he has the playful energy and imagination that it takes. He can trick her into eating her meal and or leave the store without screaming. Sure, he gets frustrated at times too, but he thrives more as a parent during this stage than he did in the baby stage. I guess that’s what teamwork is all about, eh? Each of us have our strengths that balance out the other. Too bad he’s at work all day.

I won’t lie, some times I hate motherhood. And please, do not read that as hating my child. I can hate the motherhood duties some times, but I could never hate her for the person she is. The fact is, this work is hard. That’s real motherhood for you, folks.

And then…this motherhood life redeems itself in small ways and makes a hard day worth while.  Before bed tonight, Savannah laid in my arms and we made up a new game that left us both giggling.  Thank God for little moments. I would surely go crazy without a visit from Jekyll when all I’ve seen is Miss Hyde.

Oh, Mommy Forums, how I love thee. Shall I list the reasons why?

1) It gets me out of my box. I’m a shy girl, I can’t just walk up to another mommy in the park and make a new friend. Using the internet to get to know other moms in my area first, and then meeting them in person makes my life so much easier.

2) There’s something for everyone. Within our Mommy board there are smaller sub-groups for adoptive moms, young moms, working moms, homeschooling moms, natural moms, moms for certain areas, etc. It’s wonderful, it helps everyone find a place they belong and can find common interests.

3) As I just mentioned, there even a young moms group.  Which, is helping me find friends my age who understand and live similar lifestyle. I’ve always felt caught in the middle since having my daughter: one foot in the married/family lifestyle with the typical 30’s mom and one foot in the young college student age group, but never felt like I belonged in either.  Now? I can finally connect with moms my age!

4) It’s an endless source of information for anything you need to know, from doctor and babysitter recommendations to the latest local news.

5) The support. When I had those weeks of uncertainty about my last pregnancy, many moms came forward to pray for us during that time and reach out for emotional support. It was such a blessing and the prayers were certainly felt during that time. Or, when things arise like sleep issues or terrible-two tantrums, it’s easy to know where to turn for advice/support.  I know there is bound be some one who has been there too!

6) I’ve found super amazing deals on just about anything.  For example: two amazingly beautiful chairs for $125 and just now scored a couch for $100!  We’re stocking up on house goods before our move and it’s proving to be better than CraigsList for the job.

7) It’s connected me with awesome resources as we prepare for our move. Not just advice or information about the areas we are looking at, but recommended Realtor or brokers.  Nothing quite like the “word of mouth!”

If you have a mommy board near you, I highly recommend getting involved.  The one I use is through The Mommies Network and they have groups all over the USA. See if there is one near you!

Life is busy as usual, hense the lack of writing lately.

Here’s the run down of the past 10 days:

1. Remember this post when Savannah was 18 months old?  Well, the girl has suddenly decided that it’s time for the big girl bed and she’s been it for the past week!  It only took…over a year…I think she’s one of those kids she has to decide to do something for herself (so stubborn, not sure where she got that?). I imagine potty training will be the same way.

2.Naps are completely gone. And I don’t want them back.  She was sick this week and took naps for the first time in over a week and it totally screwed up her night time sleeping. She would go to bed at 10 or 11!  Not cool. So no, I don’t want nap time back if it’s going to be like this. I’ll take “rest time” where she reads herself books if that means she’ll actually go to bed at night.

3. Like I said, she was sick and sleeping horribly. So was Mark. It’s been a rough week taking care of two “babies” plus another midterm. I nearly lost my frustrated-exhausted-mommy-mind one night and I felt like a failure of a Mom. But, things are better now all around.  I guess we all have those breaking points, huh? Thank God for new days!

4. Oh yes, and more sleep issues (how many times have I written about this topic?): She won’t go to sleep unless some one is sitting at her door. Then she wakes up between 2-3am and insists that we sit at her door again until she is asleep. And if we don’t? She will keep getting up realizing that we aren’t there. And then I’m so annoyed and tired that I end up just going to sleep in her room. In short? She won’t sleep unless I’m in there. She’s always “scared” even if she has a million lights on and we are in the same room. And yes, she did this same thing when in the crib, it was just easier to fool her then. What to do?

5. We’ve looking at our housing options for when we move in the spring. Which, is pretty darn exciting to think about, especially since it may be a realistic option to buy instead of renting or even build because of the economy right now. We’re in the beginning stages of all this, so if you’ve got advice, lets here it!

So, that’s life right now. Busy. 

I always have blog posts written out in my head, but they never make it to my keyboard. But, soon I hope to get up a blog post about mommy frustrations, modpodge shoes, feminism, adoption awareness month, more O Momma Recommendations, and whatever else life throws at me that’s worthy of writing about.

Enjoy your weekend!

Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy.  As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness.  I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.

But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now.  Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected. 

Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.

Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.

I have two things I am currently debating back and forth about within my head regarding some parenting choices. Help, please! I want to hear your experiences.

Forewarning: One of these topics I’ve seen to be quite controversial on mommy boards, please do not bring that drama here. No bashing me for my parenting, no bashing others for theirs. You don’t have to agree but it’s all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t (sung like Aretha Franklin, of course). Thanks!

1. The pacy.  She is almost 2.5 and has a strong, strong, strong love for her pacy. We do limit it to only when she naps or at night  (unless really sick like last weekend) so it has not interfered with her talking what so ever and her teeth are fine. My dilemma is, I have three weeks until school starts back, so therefore if I’m going to do a pacy overhaul, I need to start NOW while it doesn’t matter if I loose sleep or not.  But at the same time, I had my pacy until I was FOUR. Yes, four. And I was fine, as well as my teeth. So part of me is like, “Big deal.” She’ll loose interest eventually.

So, should I do it now? How? I’ve heard the pacy fairy, cutting holes, etc. What worked for you?

2.  Dance Class. We don’t get out of the house a lot. I’m a shy, reserved type person and when I try to do playdates they usually end up being one time things because our kids have been the wrong ages or the other mommy and I didn’t click.  We thought about putting her in 2 day preschool this fall, but decided it wasn’t worth it right now with the cost of it.  I’ve been looking for a way for both of us to socialize regularly and ta-da! Dance class (or some kind of class) seems to be a great option.

 She’s 2.5, she would be in a pre-dance class with other 2-4 year olds. Is it worth the money? Is it too early? What’s your experience? If she doesn’t do dance class, there are music classes that I could do with her (but I keep asking her and she insists on dance class), or places like The Little Gym. Bottom line: I just want her to do something fun and make friends, and bonus if I can make friends with the other mommies.

Again, no bashing me or my commenters. I just to hear your experience and what has worked for you! Thanks :-)

It’s been quite the drama filled week.  First, it started with lightning striking my parents house last week where me and Savannah was visiting.  Talk about scary! Thankfully, it didn’t burn their house down and they lost things that can easily be replaced thanks to great insurance. But it was a learning lesson to me: protect the “things” I love with a surge protector. I would hate, hate to loose another computer that has all our memories on it or our first big purchase together: our TV. Now that I’ve back home, we’ve had storms every night and we’re unplugging things until we can buy protectors!

Then the next day, I met with the lovely Amy and we had a nice chat over lunch. It was so nice to meet some one who has many shared experiences :-) I look forward to keeping in contact with her more and hopefully have her come down for the annual Birthmom Buds event!

That same day I came home to Savannah running a 104 fever. Again, talk about scary!  Apparently my little brother used to run high fevers as well so my wonderful Stepmom knew what to do to bring it down. Another lesson learned there.  We’re guessing she just had a virus because by Monday she was suddenly better and super hyper.

Monday Savannah and I drove back home on a whim to surprise Mark with our homecoming. He wasn’t expecting us until the next day or later depending on how Savannah was feeling.  Surprises are fun!  However, on the way home I hit a horrible storm in which it was pouring down so hard I had to pull off the road and pray no one would hit me.  Very scary.

But to top the last few days off, Mark took today off to spend time with us since we’ve been gone for over a week and it was much needed. Especially, especially since Savannah and I got little sleep last night and we were both grumpy. Who knew a 2 year old could have an attitude like that?!   Having him home helped me keep sane and be able to take TWO naps today. That’s a blessing right there. All this weeks drama had it’s blessings, things could have been way worse.