The Extra Advantages.

A front parking space at Earthfare? Why, thank you!

Once I was given more food at Bojangles because she could tell “I needed it” (and with my appetite, yes I did!). And in general, it seems like people offer more help in daily life with little things or caring how I feel physically.

It’s just nice to feel a little more valuable for a few months :-)

(And, I’m still enjoying my pregnant body at nearly 7 months along. Who wants to bet that will soon be changing as the 3rd trimester begins and this belly takes over the planet with it’s largeness?)

I remember growing up watching Anne of Green Gabels movies at my Grandpa’s house. I was so young that I hardly remember the plot line besides a red haired orphan (not to be confused with Annie!) but I do remember her always saying her name was, “Anne with an E.”

While our son’s name will not be Anne with an E, we’ve decided on Jaxson with an X. Perhaps we’re setting him up to have the same response each time people ask his name, just as I do now when people ask, but the name just feels so right. I love the X in there because his nick name won’t be shortened to “Jack” but to “Jax” and that just looks and sounds like a cool guy name to me (plus the one Jax I know on General Hospital isn’t too bad on the eyes! And we all want our kids to be good looking, right?). Jaxson was the name that stood out to me as I went over list after list, it’s a name that gives my heart flutters thinking about my son Jaxson. It just feels right.

Of course, it wasn’t an easy road to officially decide on his name. For a few weeks it was going to be Gabriel Madden, and while I tried to like it for my husband’s sake who picked it out, it didn’t sit right right. I would cringe when we used it in a sentence “testing” it out. I kept thinking about all the awful nicknames people would come up with instead of using the full name. Eventually, Mark agreed that it didn’t feel right for him either. However, he was hesitant using Jaxson because he wanted to pick out his name. Our compromise? We kept the middle name he (and I) loved, Madden, because it perfectly incorporates not only a not-commonly-used-cool-name but Mark’s love of xbox games and watching football (ya know, since the real John Madden was a football announcer in our lifetime). So, Jaxson Madden it is.

It took me a while to get over his entire name ending with “n’s.” Like, I seriously put up polls on the various social networks I’m on to help me decide if it was awful or not. And, even when we had decided it was the right name, I tried to keep it a secret for fear of what others think. Some hate it and say it’s too “rhymey” or don’t flow, and that’s fine, but the more I think about his name the more I love it, just as I fall in love with him more each day. Plus, I figure that a full name is rarely said (except when in trouble or maybe announced when graduating) so who cares if his full name doesn’t “flow” like some people like? They can name their own kid something else :-)

So there you go, that’s what in our little guy’s name. Our Jaxson with an X.

I can officially say, Savannah is a big girl. At 3 years old she has a twin sized bed, no more pacy, can get dressed by her self, and most importantly she can use the potty. All the time!

We’ve been trying sporadically to get her to use the bathroom rather than her diaper for the past year, but she is a stubborn girl. We tried reading books about it, sitting on the potty throughout the day, we put underwear on her to see if that would prompt some feeling of wanting to be a big girl but she would just get extremely upset when she had an accident. It wasn’t working, in my eyes she wasn’t ready and so I let her take the lead but still talk/encourage often.

It comes down to this: Kids will do it when they make up their mind to do it.

I’m the kind of Mom that doesn’t want to force her to do something she clearly isn’t ready for. Who cares if her friends can pee in her potty and Savannah hasn’t yet? It’s not a race. And I know certain family members (*ah hem* someone’s Daddy) that wasn’t potty trained until 4. I could make her sit on that potty all day and I know she wouldn’t do it.

But, it happened one magical night. We were putting her to bed, about to turn the light out and she said, “Mommy! I need to pee-pee!”  I, of course, knowing our potty history roll my eyes and say that she is making excuses to not go to bed, but she did it. And she said in her cute-all-knowing-3-year-old voice, “I told ya!” She made the choice to go potty and she did it. And…she’s been pretty much unstoppable since. She’s never been afraid of public restrooms or afraid of going #2 like I’ve heard other kids. It’s like she just flipped a switch inside and said, “Okay, I can do this!” and she’s already a pro.

And, can I say how nice it it? No worries of running out of diapers, the nasty diaper smell is gone, no more changes in the car while out and about, no more stuffing my purse with diapers. Sure I have to tend to her at each potty break during the day and night, but this is so nice to have a break from diaper duty :-)

No more diapers! At least for 4 more months…

I have a confession to make. But first off, what I’m about to say does not in any way mean I don’t love this little being growing inside of me.It doesn’t mean I wish for a different baby, it doesn’t mean anything except that I’m a worry wart. And since I like my blog to be real, I’ve got to dive into something that’s been consuming my thoughts lately.

So here it is: I’m struggling with the idea of having a boy.

Not because I don’t want a boy or could never love a boy, but because I don’t know what to do with a boy. Cars, action figure posters plastered on the wall, all that extra energy? And more sports in my life(ah!). It’s not my thing. I can handle this girl stuff Savannah gets into, because, well, I am a girly-girl myself. I can relate to her. A boy? It’s tough.

I’m scared that I won’t bond with a boy. Sure, it will be fine while he is an infant and I can enjoy all the snuggles and nursing that I did with Savannah, but what about when he gets older? I’m afraid of losing touch with him, not knowing what questions to ask to get to know him as he grows or what’s going on in his life. I keep thinking about my own brother, we were close when he was a baby and then he turned 3 or 4, when those boy interests and qualities really started to come out and we grew apart. My sister on the other hand, we only grow closer as the years go by. And in truth, I want that for Savannah. I want her to have a sister to bond with, to go through life with and maybe have a built in best friend. Idealized dream? Yes. I realize even if I have two girls it doesn’t guarantee they would even get a long! But I can dream.

I also always thought I’d have all girls. Mark thought the same thing, since his desire to have a boy is intense and he thought he wouldn’t get his way or something. And in truth, after having 2 girls, I just feel like a “girl momma.”  I never saw myself having a boy.  How is it different? Can I make the adjustment?

But, I can tell you as soon as I saw this little face on the screen, I fell in love with him even more and my worries practically are diminished already. Who couldn’t love this little guy? It comes down to this: I tend to worry over nothing, especially fear of the “unknown.” Everything will be fine, right? Maybe just a little different.

When I was pregnant with Kaylee and Savannah, I didn’t have a wedding ring on my finger. I was still a teenager. In one case, I hadn’t finished high school, in the other I hadn’t finished college. I didn’t have much money, my own house to live in, a permanent job. Walking around school, work, the mall, whenever, I felt shame. I knew people were looking at me wondering how old I was. I knew they were looking at my finger for a ring. Maybe it was all in my head, but I also know how judgmental people can be, especially with people they barely know. My belly felt like a giant red A on my chest (The Scarlet Letter, anyone?) I was a teenager that had had sex and it was obvious.

I hid it from my peers at school and co-workers until around 16 weeks when people  finally asked me, “Are you pregnant?” No one was ever mean to me to my face about it and were supportive, but I still felt people were judging me by my belly and not knowing who I really was. This choice wasn’t me, it was just a choice.

This time? My belly isn’t shameful, I’m proud of it. I love it. I wanted to show off my tiny bump at 5 weeks. I wanted to show off pictures and talk about my pregnancy with the other students I had classes with. Maybe it’s that I’m a little bit older at 22, maybe it’s the fact that I’m married to a wonderful husband, that we have our own house, that we have a steady income and I know we can provide.  Maybe it’s that I’ve done this before at 19 and if I can make it then, I can certainly make it now. Maybe I am just more confident in who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my belly with Kaylee and Savannah too. I absolutely love being pregnant, the changing body that comes with it, and I adored my little girls from the moment I knew they were on their way. It’s just socially, I feel different. I feel like I’m in a place that is more “acceptable” rather than shameful. I feel like I can show off my belly and be proud rather than worry what others think.

I think it shows.

I woke up Sunday, mentally planning my day in my head and I had a nagging feeling I had homework to do like I normally do on Sundays. Not anymore! Ever! Today is my first day “free,” a day I should be in class but instead am home like I will be for who knows how long.  Savannah got up super early this morning and so a I sipped a cup of coffee and started my day with the a reminder from the Bible about God’s stability. I sat outside at 7 am, taking turns between watching her jump in puddles and dance with a zebra umbrella while I read from a devotional and related scriptures.  Normally rainy gray days and 5:30 wake up calls would make for a grumpy mommy, but today my heart is full with gratitude and couldn’t help but see the beauty in the rain today. I saw it in the joy on her face as she stomped in puddles and squished her toes in mud. The joy in being wake to see the sky slowly light up behind the clouds. The joy in being outside before most of the neighborhood was even awake and hearing the pitter-patter rain up close and personal. I saw it in the verses I read, the reminder of God being there, a stability in life, even when I haven’ t been tuned in to Him.

Mark left for work this morning and told me, “Have a great first day of the rest of your life!” And that is exactly what today feels like. It feels like a brand new page turned, a new chapter in this life of mine.  It feels like a new beginning where I can focus on a new part of me, to be a hands-on Mom I didn’t have time to be before, the wife who can actually keep up with the dishes and laundry, a writer who can write again, a child who can actually hear the voice of God once more. I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know exactly what this chapter holds. I know that I have my own visions and plans, but I know also that God will “establish my steps” (Proverbs 16:9) and things will happen in His way and His time. That’s comforting.

So, here’s to the first day of the rest of my life. May it hold many beautiful things like this rainy morning.

P.S. Pregnant or know some one that is? There is a new review up (see, I have time for things again!) on “The Hot Mom to Be Handbook” by Jessica Denay.

The Pregnant Woman’s Rights

1) Every woman has the right to health care before, during, and after pregnancy.

2) The right to receive care that is consistent with current scientific evidence about benefits and risks. If the practice is harmful or ineffective then it should be avoided.

3) The right to chose a midwife or doctor as her care provider.

4) The right to chose her birth setting from her safe options available.

5) The right to leave her maternity care giver if she becomes dissatisfied.

6) The right to know the qualifications of those involved in her care as well as to know when those involved are trainees.

7) The right to receive care in privacy and to have all information treated according to the standards of confidentiality.

8) The right to full and clear information about risks, benefits, and costs of any and all procedures (drugs, tests, and treatments)

9) The right to accept or refuse any treatment, drugs, or tests. She also has the right to change her mind at any time. (This one is usually only true as long as the mother or baby is not in a life or death situation.)

10) The right to be informed if she or her infant is enrolled in a research stuffy and the right to accept or deny participating.

11) The right to access any and all of her pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum, and infant records.

12) The right to receive care that is appropriate for her culture and religious beliefs, as well as to receive information in a language she can understand.

13) The right to have any family members and friends she chooses to be present in any of her maternity care.

14) The right for advance information on risks and benefits of any and all available methods of pain relief. She has the right to refuse or accept any and change her mind at any time.

15) The right of freedom of movement during labor and the right to deliver in any position she desires.

16) The right to uninterrupted time with her newborn, so long as both she and the baby are healthy and do not need to be separated for care.

17) The right to have information on breastfeeding, to refuse any supplements or actions that could interfere with breastfeeding, as well as have access to lactation support.

18) The right to decided with the caregiver when she and the baby can go home.

I saw this on a fellow November Mommy’s blog and had to re-post it. With Kaylee I was 16 and had a great, easy pregnancy and birth. I was induced on my due date and had an epidural, pushed for an hour and the entire thing was over in about 12 hours. I assumed Savannah’s would be the same, and to an extent it was. I was induced the day after my due date, had an epidural and delivered within 12 hours again. However, with Savannah it felt different. I was only 3 years older, just 19, but I wasn’t satisfied this time with the birth. This time, I was this little girl’s mom. Not just a woman who gave her life, but her Mom. I had the choice to breastfeed her this time and start to fill that parenting role. But, I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed her right away, I didn’t get to until midnight 3 hours after her birth! This time the epidural  left my back bruised and aching for weeks, a pain far worse than where it should have been hurting. Reflecting on it over the past 3 years I realized that I wanted a birth that I was an active part in, not just laying in bed waiting for things to happen. I want it to be an empowering experience, knowing that I made it through the pain with hard work, preparation, and support.

So, I’m doing things differently this time. I’ve been seeing an obgyn until now in the pregnancy as we made sure this little guy would “stick.” I needed the ultrasounds to help calm my fears and tests to be done to help me relax. Now that I’m 14 weeks, I’m breathing a lot easier and ready to quit being just a number on a doctor’s chart. I’m tired of waiting 45 minutes to be seen for only 5 minutes, only to hear the heartbeat and then she leaves. I went to my first midwife appointment last week and we talked for an hour about my history, diet, everything. My obgyn doesn’t have time for that kind of caring, but I’m glad I’ve found some one that does!

And here’s a shocker for some people: I’m not giving birth at a hospital. No, it’s not my house, but it’s a birthing center 5 minutes away. My exams are on a twin bed with sheets rather than a stiff paper covered exam table. I’m going to labor and maybe even give birth in water. I’m not going to be induced with medicine or have an epidural. I’m going to use hypnobirthing to manage the pain. I’m going to hold my baby until I’m ready to let him go to be weighed. I’m going to breastfeed right away if he wants. I’m going to have as many people in the room as I want. I’m going home just hours after birth instead of waiting around for 2 days. I’m going to sleep in my own bed and not have nurses prodding my belly all night. I’m simply doing things much like women have successfully done for centuries and what they still do in other countries. It feels empowering already.

I’m not saying this way is the best way, everyone has their own vision of birth and what they are comfortable with. But after 2 births, I know that I personally felt something missing from the experience and this is the right choice for us this time around. I have actually been scared to tell certain people (like family) that I’m doing things differently, because using a doctor and hospital is simply standard these days and midwives are thought of as not safe (which isn’t true, do the research. It’s actually safer with way less infant mortality and c-section rates!). It’s definitely a choice that goes against the grain of society, but I’m going to take advantage of my pregnant woman’s rights and do what I feel is right for us.

This week has been a rough one. Ya know the kind. A kid wakes up sick and crying, sheets and jammies are changed, just in time to be changed again. Fun stuff. And then parents (in this case mostly Mark, he knew I had to finish school), because they spend time taking care of their precious little one, catch it too. And it’s just a domino effect. Boom, boom, boom. Everyone’s down for the count.

The stomach bug.

Especially when 13 (now 14) weeks pregnant, and you can’t keep hydrated and contractions start. Not fun. We’re all okay now (heard baby’s strong heartbeat again yesterday!), but man, I hate this stuff. Thank you GOD that it’s over.

But all this to say, I’m glad we have a little book called “The Moose with Loose Poops” because I think it helped all of us understand what’s going on in our bodies, even us 20 some year old parents. Of course, I didn’t think to pull out the parent’s guide when we were all sick, but we survived. I won the whole Dr. Hippo book series from Design {for} Baby in a giveaway several months ago and Savannah loves them even when not sick. They talk about common illnesses like cold’s, earaches, sore throats, stomach bugs, fever, in a story that helps them understand what is happening and why. We love them and their worth checking out (they are on Amazon) if you’re looking for some new kids books. It’s educational, but fun too.

On a happier note: in exactly a week I will be a graduate! Right now I will sporting a graduation cap and gown, a belly bump, and surrounded by family. So exciting to finally reach this huge milestone and goal in life :-) Just 3 exams and a portfolio standing in my way…

And an even happier note: with graduation comes a new direction.  What will I do after I graduate? Stay tuned to find out my new goal! Ya know, besides growing a healthy baby and being a great mom and wife. A goal for me.

The O Momma Recommends series is based on products that I find helpful in daily life, that I’ve discovered my self, and have not been paid or supplied the products to review.

1. The nausea started earlier and more intense. I’ve cried at restaurants, just wanting to enjoy my steak, but my stomach only rumbled. I’ve spent more time gagging throughout the day than probably all my pregnancies combined.

2. As I mentioned before, smells are REALLY intense too compared to my other pregnancies. I remember some things bothering me with Kaylee and Savannah every now and then but this is, like, the entire world smells awful. Which makes me feel sick.

3. I actually threw up last night. My previous 3 pregnancies and prior to last night it has always been just nausea, but out of no where getting into bed it happened. Yuck.

4. I’ve only had boy dreams. Dreams where I’m looking at an ultrasound and they say “it’s a boy” and I always look at it like, “Are you SURE? Oh yes, I see now.” I always thought we’d have all girls, as did Mark, but my dreams usually are right about baby gender.

5. We can only agree on a girl name.  With Savannah it was the opposite, we had a boy name set (which I can’t decide if I like it or not) but not a girl’s.  Mark is fighting for the name Armanti after a football player, please tell him that it is absolutely not a good fit for our family. He better be joking…

6. Everyone says they have a “boy vibe” for me…everyone but Savannah who insists it’s a girl. And, folks, you must remember she told us “Mommy has two babies in her tummy” before we even found out there were 2 last year.

Or, maybe God is just having a laugh since I always have said, “Oh! I don’t get morning sickness bad! I can always control it by making sure I eat!” Not this time…still I know that other women have it way worse than I do and I’m grateful I haven’t reached that point.

So, I guess we’ll see in June who’s right!

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…