Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

Did I mention that we officially have a walker runner? Jaxson has been taking steps since 9 months old and since then he hasn’t slowed down! Guess he wanted to keep up with his big sister, huh? He also has become quite the climber, he is into and onto everything. Boxes, chairs, tables, cabinets. He keeps us busy :-) I cannot believe his birthday is just a few weeks away! However, because he started walking early it seems like he already is a little 1 year old toddler…its like he fast forwarded through a good 3 months of baby-ness. It is definitely bittersweet to watch him grow up and learn things so quickly…

See! Can’t even stay still for pictures these days.

Last Christmas, my wonderful Mom gave Mark and I the gift of a couple’s weekend away to a hotel in the NC Mountains, baby sitting by Grandma included. Sweet deal! 9 months later, we finally got to use it a few weekends ago in September.  I chose September because its my birthday month (I’m 24 now, woo!), the weather would be cooler and more fall-ish, plus Jaxson would be over 10 months old and less dependent on me. Boy, did I underestimate the stress on me though in leaving my breastfed-on-demand child. I worried for his comfort, would he be okay leaving me for the first time? Would I have enough milk stashed? Would he sleep at all in a new setting?! Regardless, we couldn’t back out of the trip for many reasons so I just prayed a lot and trusted in my Mom’s ability to take care of my kids and looked forward to quality quiet time with my husband.

So, here’s a few lessons I learned in the mountains:

1. My kids do just fine without me, if not even better. Jaxson actually slept through the night one time for my mom…not fair! But, it was a relief to know that they were doing great and comfortable in their new surroundings.

2. Salsa’s in downtown Asheville is one of the best mexican-ish style food I’ve ever had, probably because everything seemed so fresh and healthy! I thoroughly enjoyed my chicken empanada stuffed with veggies and side of black beans and fresh salsa. Amazing. Even my non-veggie-loving hubby was brave and enjoyed it.

3. French Broad Chocolates has the best chocolates. Ever. Sure, my little souvenir box of 6 chocolates was a lovely’ $13….but it was worth the price. Mostly. I had a few that weren’t good choices for my taste (strawberry balsamic? Gag). My favorites were the lavender and honey, salted honey caramel, and one other one that I can’t find online that had caramel as well. Oh my word…such goodness. I treasured those 6 chocolates and spaced them out for days to enjoy when I got home.

4. The Waynesville Inn needs to work on their landscaping. Sure, their golf course was in excellent condition and beautifully taken care of….but for those who wanted to watch or enjoy the mountain view? Well, lets just say some bushes got in the way. Seriously? Whose grand plan was this? It sure gave Mark and I a good laugh though! We did enjoy their row of rocking chairs on the patio instead, which was a lovely way to spend our mornings watching the fog uncover the hiding mountains, hand in hand.

5. We needed this. All tourism aside, Mark and I needed this trip. We hadn’t had a trip just the 2 of us in about 3 years. This weekend made us realize we need to do this more…simply treasuring each other’s company and having quiet. Maybe that doesn’t mean a mountain getaway or a second honeymoon, but at least more date nights regularly. It was so incredibly nice to just feel like us again– letting go of chores and work responsibilities, getting to eat my food while it was still hot, not having to worry about getting strollers out, or tag teaming who gets who into the car. It felt like…freedom. Not to say I don’t enjoy and love our kids– I’ll take cold meals and dirty dishes any day if it means I have their joy in my life. But, it was so nice to step back and breathe for 2 days and come back feeling refreshed and in more in love with my husband.

And that, makes us even better parents in the long run.

Thank you mountains, and thanks Mom!

“You are the light of the world- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 6:14-16

This has been the focus in our house lately, learning to let our light shine….even when its hard.

However, I didn’t find this verse until 2 days ago when I “accidentally” (are there any accidents when God is moving in our lives?) stumbled on it, the idea to focus on our lights actually came from the song “This Little Light of Mine.” Its one of Savannah’s favorites right now and the Holy Spirit has guided me in how to use it as a parenting tool. God is awesome like that, I needed help in my parenting and He provided it through a simple song.

See, we’ve had some behavior issues and parent-child disconnect lately with Savannah. Some issues are admittedly my own fault in that she has learned how to handle her daily life frustrations in the same way I do, like blowing things out of proportion and yelling (I confess!). I was tired of fighting battles everyday, I was tired of being a yelling mommy and feeling my anger spiral out of control while watching my daughter do the same. I absolutely did not like knowing that my unthoughtful words were wounding her spirit and heart, and in turn she was acting out and dishing out the same unkindness.  So, I felt like we needed to work on this together but wasn’t sure what to do to encourage a change in her behavior, let alone my own. Old habits die hard, huh?

It’s amazing to see how God can work when we humble ourselves! One day Savannah said in her giddy 4 year old voice, “You know my favorite part of that song, Mommy? The part where it says, ‘Don’t let Satan blow it out, NO! I’m going to let it shine’ because I love Jesus!” And that got me thinking  about this song a little deeper (blame the English major in me and the Holy Spirit’s wonderful prompting!) and how we each have “lights” inside of us. I imagine it to be like a candle light, softly dancing with joy, and providing a light to all that is near. Our light is not only our love and faith in Jesus, but its our choice to live as He’s called us so others can see Jesus in us. Specifically, we do that by loving each other and bearing spiritual fruits (patience, kindness, self-control, etc. Galatians 5:22-23). When we let anger, selfishness, greed, etc. take over that is letting Satan blow that light and love out.  As I strive to teach my kids how to not only “behave” but to know Jesus as a personal friend, I’m also striving to better myself as a person and soak in these lessons as well. It often goes hand in hand, me and my kids, we are on this learning path of life together.

So I said to her, “You know Savannah, when you aren’t obeying Mommy or Daddy and yelling at us when you get angry…that is letting Satan blow your light out.” And, what do you know, it stuck! The visual of us each having a light inside that can love has really sunk into her, she wants to be like Jesus and have her light shine. And now, in moments when she may be on the edge of no return after she dislikes what I’ve said, I gently remind her about her light. “Savannah, is your light blown out?” It happened just today when I told her we weren’t buying an Icee at Target and it stopped her in her “You don’t EVER buy me anything” dramatic tracks. In turn, she now is doing the same to me when I  I feel the heat of anger rising in me and that tone of voice starts creeping out. “Mom, I think you’re light is blown out.” It always snaps me back into focus on how God has called us to love, in gentleness and patience even when its hard, and how to be a better example to my children. I’m so thankful for her accountability.

The biggest result of this little lesson? It isn’t that she behaves better, listens more, or that I yell less. It is that we both genuinely have JOY in our hearts nearly every moment now, that glow of light is felt in me and I can see it in her big blue eyes too. Joy for Jesus, joy for life, joy for our mother-daughter relationship. I love asking her, “Is your light shining?” and watching her enthusiastically squeal “Yes!“  That is priceless.

One of the things I am most enjoying as a parent is watching Savannah grow, not just physically into a beautiful girl, but spiritually as well. She is teaching me things, keeping me accountable and how to live out our faith in a childlike way. I love it!

So often I doubt myself as a Mom, like I’m not doing enough…not trying hard enough.

To control my temper and instead respond to Savannah with a gentle answer.

She watches too much TV.

Doesn’t eat enough fruits and veggies and instead eats too many sweets.

I forget to start our day in prayer, or even give thanks before our meals.

I don’t discipline her consistently.

I don’t make the time to just sit and play with her each day.

I don’t make the effort to do crafts with her (not that that is a mom requirement! But we both love crafts, WHY don’t I do more with her?)

I don’t spend time in the Bible with her each day.

But then, there are moments that make me realize I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do, like this one today. In the car she had me turn off the radio and paused her DVD player (again with the too much TV!) so she could excitedly say:

“Mom! Last night I had a really bad dream that a lobster came alive and was trying to snap me! But then, I prayed to Jesus and He gave me a good dream.”

Sure, I may not pray before meals, but we say a heartfelt prayer before bed each night, dishing out our worries and thanks to God (praying for a gentle answer, patience, joy, and love between us is a common prayer!) .  When she wakes up with a bad dream I always say a prayer with her for comfort. We talk about God throughout our days, because ultimately life around us always points back to Him. I make it a priority (now) to get our family to church when we can. That’s something.

And really, isn’t that what this motherhood journey is about? For me, the fact that Savannah’s heart is fill with God’s love is top priority. Who cares how many crafts we do or if the food she eats is organic if she knows God. If she can truly know God personally from an early age, and see God in me, the rest will outflow. I find comfort knowing that she is soaking up good things even if I don’t feel qualified at times due to my own sinful, selfish words and actions. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life…

….but sometimes I need to look past all the I don’ts and open my eyes to the I do’s.

Those doubts aren’t from God, quite the opposite.

I am good enough.

So are you.

I myself do not have allergies that I know of, but for the sake of Jaxson and his apparent reactions to certain foods I eat transmitted through my milk, I chose to change my diet. It’s been 5 months now since his rashes started appearing and  the frustrations of “What the heck is causing this?!” consumed my mommy life. It’s been quite an adventure and change for us, taking into consideration many people’s opinions from doctors to other mom’s, spending lots of wasted money on ointments, and experimenting with supplemental foods. Back in March at the doctor we pinned down the allergens to be eggs, nuts, dairy, and since then I’ve added soy to the list.

How’s it going, you ask? Well for many months I tried to avoid those foods for his sake, but often failed because of my sweet tooth. Like, when my husband would bring home doughnuts (shame on him to bring home temptation!) or I’d be at a birthday party and sneak a bit of cake. Or, not picking a decent restaurant to avoid cross-contamination, like those cook-in-front-of-you Japanese steak houses where everything is cooked with butter and right next to the eggs for fried rice! So yes, my sweet tooth and eating out has been my biggest challenge. I was getting so frustrated that even though I was “being good” most of the time, he still would have red flared up cheeks that would come and go in intensity.  Get better, get worse, get better, get worse. I would have hope that we finally had it manageable and then I’d sneak another bite of something and make it worse again. Oh, the guilt!

Several times I’ve woken up to Jaxson with blood covered sheets and bright red cheeks, but one day I had had enough. Frustrated with how I had been handling things, I turned to the idea of finding a formula that maybe he would thrive on instead of literally tearing his skin off. Good news? They do make a soy and dairy free formula! Bad news? It costs at least $30 a can, making it over $100 per month. Oy. I like that breastfeeding is free. And plus, the more I thought about it, the more I mourned the idea of losing that special bond between Jaxson and I. I’ve written before how he adores that time, both for hunger and for comfort and quite honestly, I’m not ready to give that up if I don’t need to. Still, that night I nursed him and while doing so I prayed about what God would have me do. I kid you not, the next day his face was at least 50% clearer, when just the day before he had clawed his face over and over.  To me, it was a sign from God to keep trying. So I strapped on my big girl momma boots and determined to try harder.

And, I prayed a lot.

I prayed that God would take away the cravings of the foods that caused him to flare. I prayed that he would purify my milk and the allergens would leave his body. I prayed he wouldn’t itch and scratch. And, I gave thanks that his allergy reactions are just a rash and not anything life threatening like breathing problems (Seriously. Thank you, God!).

I tell you, prayers work! Soon after that my stepmom remembered what she used to do for my little brother when he had eczema (not food related, but same itchy skin situation). We realized that Savannah would eat a PB&J or eat cereal with milk and then kiss all over her baby brother, which easily could pass allergens along. So, I followed her advice of washing his cheeks and hands more often to wipe off any allergens that were lingering on the skin. That made a huge difference! And then, I bought yet another ointment to put on his rash. I’ve tried everything it seems like, natural or not, from Emu oil to paraban laden creams recommended by the dermatologist. Although I would like to find a natural solution, but this Eczema cream with Cortizone has made the most drastic difference.

Of course, I haven’t taken a current picture of him lately except on my cell phone (shame, shame). But, let’s just say he looks kind of like this where the rashes were edited out by an awesome photographer back in May when he was about 6.5 months old:

Minus the frowny face and the froggy hat.

Sure, we have our flare ups every now and then. But, as I stick to my diet for his sake (and improving my own health along the way!) they usually are very small and manageable compared to what the past months have looked like.

Praise God for clear cheeks!

Behold, my favorite nursing shirt.

Which, actually isn’t a nursing shirt at all. Technically. At least not marketed that way. I found it at Old Navy about a week ago in the regular woman’s department and it quickly has climbed to the top of my favorite-in-closet list. Not only is it a beautiful color and has the whole “comfy-stylish-mom” look going on, but see how huge the neckline is? Makes it so easy to nurse anywhere! And a bonus, it covers up any post-baby tummy I have going on with the fit of it.  Oh, and it was cheap! I heart Old Navy.

Also, I wish I had known about nursing tanks when Savannah was a baby! They make life easier. I love to put a nursing tank under everything and make any shirt a nursing shirt. My tummy is always covered if I have to lift up my shirt to nurse and its more comfy than nursing bras any day. I found mine at Target (because I’m a cheapo who doesn’t want to pay $50 for a fancy one) and love them.

P.S. Yes, I’ve got glasses now. Remember way back when I confessed that I lied to my mom about not being able to see just so I could get glasses? Well, 18 years later it came back to get me because now I need them. Sorta, some times. Mainly for driving, but I like to wear them just because, too. They’re good for hiding tired eyes and I hear they make me look a smidgen older too. What’d you think? Do I still look 15?

May 2010- 6.5 months old. His cheeks look so much better than that now :-)

Jaxson is a Momma’s Boy. I remember Savannah being a Momma’s girl to as a baby (and still is…when she isn’t calling me “evil” because I discipline her!)

Maybe it’s this baby stage. Maybe it’s the fact that I have the milk. But, he absolutely loves being close to me and especially loves being wrapped up extra close in a carrier. Before this  summer weather got super-duper hot, we would take nightly walks to the mail box and around the neighborhood with him strapped to my back. He would kick his legs and chew on the fabric to ease his ever expanding gum line (he now has SIX teeth,  half of those came in just in the past 2 weeks. Talk about some sleepless nights!). Eventually he would lay his fuzzy head down on my back and just rest as he watched the world from behind my shoulders. Nursing has a similar effect most times, I absolutely love how he finishes many of his meals with a content sigh or squeal. It makes those middle of the night feedings a little more bearable!

I used to have moments like that with Savannah as a baby, I treasured them away in my heart, too. Now they’ve transformed into our nightly ritual of prayers, scratching her back, and snuggles. It’s different than the baby bonding, but yet the same. It’s those moments that make up for her calling me evil when I tell her no to something. It’s in those moments that peace settles in after the emotional-4-year-old-storm and all is okay again. The slate is clean, just as rain washes away the dirt she’s played in off our front sidewalk.

It is moments like these I want to remember forever with my kids. The complete contentment they have just being close to me, the peace inside both of us that for a moment all is right. The silence that nothing has to be said. Just us, enjoying closeness and bonding together our parent-child souls.

I love having a momma’s boy and girl. Thank you, God for our little blessings! Some days I have to remind myself that they are blessings, especially grumpy days like today. Like I said, sweet moments wash it all away.

(Just so you aren’t confused…I wrote this the same night as the last post, Forming the Adoption Puzzle, but this deserved its own separate post. Plus, I wanted to space out posts since I’ve been slacking lately :-) So, pretend its Friday April 15th again!)

Pregnancy, birth, and all things tiny-newborn-cute  has started to consume me again. I know, I still have a completely adorable and happy 5 month old baby upstairs blissfully sleeping, but I can’t help myself. There is seriously some hardwired momma gene in me I can’t just turn off. And no, I’m not pregnant. But, after months of talking Mark has finally officially agreed to having a 3rd child down the road, so just the thought that I will get to experience the amazingness of pregnancy and natural birth again (God willing, of course) has had me doing a happy dance all week. Of course, ideally I’d like to wait awhile to let my body heal and to enjoy the sweet baby that Jaxson is so don’t expect a baby bump on this blog any time soon!

That said, tonight (along with our adoption talk) Savannah revealed something else to me that I hadn’t known she thought about in her little girl mind. I told you, it was a serious discussion night during our snuggle session. In the book we were reading, the sister goes to the hospital to visit her Mommy and new baby brother and she stopped me while reading.

Savannah- “Mommy, why did she go to the hospital?”

Me- “Well, that’s where she went to have her baby. Just like when I went to the birthing center to have Jaxson.”

Savannah- “But, why didn’t I get to go to the birthing center?”

Me- “Did you want to?”

Savannah- “Yeah, I wanted to watch him come out.”

Whoa!  Like, whoa in a good way. I debated whether I wanted Savannah in the room or not when Jaxson made his debut, but I hadn’t done the whole natural-birthing-thing before and I didn’t even know what it would be like myself.  I didn’t know how I’d react to the contractions, the noises I’d make, if I would be straight up scary to be around, etc. and I just didn’t feel comfy with anyone else in the room except my husband and midwife. But, it melted my heart to hear her say that she wanted to be there. It makes sense to me that she would want to, after all she was there for every prenatal appointment, she felt his kicks and sang to him every night, we watching baby stories on TV and talked about birth. She was very involved with his pregnancy and it fascinated her, why wouldn’t she want to see her baby brother come out?  Next time, I think it would be neat for her to experience it. I feel like I know more now that I’ve lived it, that I could do my birthing thing with her observing the miracle nearby. I want to raise her to not fear child birth, that it’s a natural thing that God so beautifully designed. I want her to know that it isn’t painful if we let our body do its thing. What better way to teach her that, than to show her that? Society teaches about birth differently and in a much different light…I’d rather her see it for what it is, not what the way culture would have her believe it is. This article explains why its beneficial to have children present. Yeah, its not a choice for everyone just like natural birth isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but its one I’m willing to explore.

Also, every time we talk about having another baby she insists it will be a girl. Tonight when I told her she might be able to watch next time, “Then I’ll have a baby brother AND a baby sister living with me!” Hopeful? Or intuitive? Like I said though, don’t expect a baby bump around here any time soon!

As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.