A lot of has gone on this past week. Actually, its been only about 5 days of roller coaster emotions.  But really, its been going on longer than I realized.  Are you confused?

I was, too. And shocked.

Savannah has lost some of her hearing. I say lost as if it was simply some of her favorite Strawberry Shortcakes toys dropped at the grocery store, or something. But its not.

It became very noticeable this past month after we all had a bad lingering cold. We were having to repeat ourselves over and over (more so than the normal “selective hearing” kids normally have), make our voices louder and louder for her to hear us. The TV or music had to be blaring loud. She’s always kind of liked her TV and music loud, but this was different. Even her Grandparents noticed something wasn’t quite right and encouraged us to get it checked out, so I did.  Last Thursday she had her hearing tested and was seen by an ENT, who told us that she hears as if she is 10 feet underwater. Everything is muffled. Well no wonder we were always shouting and having to turn things up!

The good news? Its temporary and its just fluid behind the ear drum that has been building up for years (yet amazingly has never been infected, or painful, so we didn’t know there was an issue). The bad news? Oh, by the way, she needs tubes in her ears and her adenoids and tonsils should be taken out, too.  I was shocked, I was expecting an earwax build up (you should see the earwax that runs in the Daddy side of the family!). I cried. I didn’t want my baby hurting. Surgery?! And what do adenoids and tonsils have to do with this? Well, she apparently has huge tonsils that may be causing her some sleep issues like maybe a mild sleep apnea (she does snore…) so they should come out. (I’m still not convinced…)

For those that know me or have been around this blog a while, I like to do things a little more naturally. Especially, ya know, before slicing holes in my child’s eardrums, cutting out body parts, and spending thousands of dollars (no offense to those who have chosen the surgery route, I know it has its purpose and can be a huge help!). But more so than that, I believe in a Great Physician that can heal. I trust that He created our body and its functions for a reason. But, I also trust that if the way He intends to heal Savannah is through surgery, then that’s okay, too.

I felt lead though to try Chiropractic care first. We’ve been seeing one for about a year now, he corrected the migraines and vision issues I had been having daily (Praise God!). I asked if he would help us try to avoid surgery and he said yes….for free. Payment was a concern of mine because, well, Mark is skeptical. I’m lucky I even get to go once a month! Let alone taking Savannah 3 times a week for several weeks to do a series of adjustments for her ears? That would be quite a chunk of money. Praise God for our chiropractor’s generosity and caring. I have peace knowing we have nothing to loose simply in trying a different approach first.

Tonight though, I feel like we got our confirmation from God.  She was adjusted specifically for draining her ears on Friday and again this afternoon (Monday). We hadn’t noticed much a difference in her hearing, though we were told it could take weeks or might not even work at all if it was caused by something else. I got Savannah ready for bed,  turned on her night time music that plays over and over all night long. Its so loud that I can hear it all the way in my room with my door and her door shut.  We snuggled, giggled, talked about her new soccer practice experience, and said our prayers. She then got up to go to the bathroom one last time and something must have happened inside. She looked at me and said, “Mom! Why did you turn the music up so loud?! Its too loud! I can’t sleep like that!”  I flashed a huge smile and said, “Savannah its always this loud.”  I knew in that moment God heard my heartfelt prayers, that Savannah could hear better. Something shifted to drain the fluid naturally. She argued that it wasn’t always this loud even though I assured her that nothing had changed but her ears. After she turned it down to where she wanted it, I asked her if this is how soft she has always heard it and she said yes. She also said the “booming” she’s been hearing in her ears for months that she thought was “monsters coming” had gone, which I’m assuming was the sound of fluid in her ears popping. 2 adjustments, folks. God heard. God answered.

Mark is still skeptical, as I’m sure other people will be, too.  I know this is just the beginning, I accept that surgery could still be in her plans if her second opinion check up still shows fluid in a few weeks. However, I will say, that I have expectant faith that her hearing will continue to get better and surgery will be avoided all together. Its a fine balance between having strong faith that God asks us to have, yet also leaving room for His answer. And that’s why I’m writing this, to document how God works. That He does hear. He does answer…sometimes in the way we ask and sometimes not. I’m ready for that either way.

I also really wanted to share this for the many, many kids I know that doctors are telling them to put tubes in their ears to solve an issue.  I know its not a super major surgery, but its still surgery non-the-less involving emotions, pain, and money. I wanted to share so maybe others might be open to the idea that there are other options out there to pursue before opting for surgery. I used to be a skeptic in chiropractic care, too (looks kind scary watching it be done!). I’m totally a believer now in chiropractic care between this experience and my own issues with migraines that are now non-existent. God totally knew what He was doing when he designed our bodies and I truly feel like chiropractors are tools to keep our bodies in check when we throw them off.

Our story isn’t over, I know. But regardless, God is certainly using this time for some awesome things to bring Him glory. Even if its simply bringing me and Savannah closer to God, or helping Mark (and others) understand why I trust in the things I do, that’s pretty big.

I would say the cliche line, “it seems just like yesterday she was born…” but its simply not true. It doesn’t feel like yesterday she was born, but it does feel like she should still be toddling 1 year old like Jaxson is now. I cannot believe she is FIVE. A whole five fingers. The girl who counts to 20, pumps herself on the swing, rides a bike, draws pictures, writes her name? How is that possible? It really feels like I  blinked and suddenly she is a big girl ready to go off to kindergarten in just a few months.

She is absolutely excited up to the moon and past the stars that she is finally 5. So excited, in fact, that she woke up at 3 am to start her birthday. That’s worse than Christmas mornings folks, where we have to wake her up to start the day. Still, while we were all a little tired from a rough night and early morning, it was a fabulous day full of family, friends, and her favorite things. We started the day out with our favorite Chicfila Breakfast, played with a few of her favorite friends at the park, and later had pizza and a homemade cake with her Grandparents. And, of course, opened presents. She also was an excellent listener, because according to her, now that’s she’s 5 she will be a great listener when we ask her to do things like clean up her toys. Sweet deal!

I feel so blessed that she is in my life. While our relationship may have its struggles at times and I question my parenting skills, I know overall she’s a great girl with a caring heart.  Her birth 5 years ago was one that gave me the role of a Mom, it taught me so many things about myself, and even my perspective on birth. She’s helped shape me to be the woman and Mom I am today, its her presence that keeps me clinging to God for guidance so that I can be the best Mom and wife I can be. She’s the one helping me to become”childlike” again and find joy in simple things in my days. I’m so grateful that our relationship is one that is open enough that we teach each other things about life.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! I have a feeling 5 is going to be awesome for this girl :-)

(P.S. Sorry if some parts don’t make sense or misspellings, etc. I’m half asleep on cold medicine but felt the need to write before the day was over)

Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

Did I mention that we officially have a walker runner? Jaxson has been taking steps since 9 months old and since then he hasn’t slowed down! Guess he wanted to keep up with his big sister, huh? He also has become quite the climber, he is into and onto everything. Boxes, chairs, tables, cabinets. He keeps us busy :-) I cannot believe his birthday is just a few weeks away! However, because he started walking early it seems like he already is a little 1 year old toddler…its like he fast forwarded through a good 3 months of baby-ness. It is definitely bittersweet to watch him grow up and learn things so quickly…

See! Can’t even stay still for pictures these days.

Last Christmas, my wonderful Mom gave Mark and I the gift of a couple’s weekend away to a hotel in the NC Mountains, baby sitting by Grandma included. Sweet deal! 9 months later, we finally got to use it a few weekends ago in September.  I chose September because its my birthday month (I’m 24 now, woo!), the weather would be cooler and more fall-ish, plus Jaxson would be over 10 months old and less dependent on me. Boy, did I underestimate the stress on me though in leaving my breastfed-on-demand child. I worried for his comfort, would he be okay leaving me for the first time? Would I have enough milk stashed? Would he sleep at all in a new setting?! Regardless, we couldn’t back out of the trip for many reasons so I just prayed a lot and trusted in my Mom’s ability to take care of my kids and looked forward to quality quiet time with my husband.

So, here’s a few lessons I learned in the mountains:

1. My kids do just fine without me, if not even better. Jaxson actually slept through the night one time for my mom…not fair! But, it was a relief to know that they were doing great and comfortable in their new surroundings.

2. Salsa’s in downtown Asheville is one of the best mexican-ish style food I’ve ever had, probably because everything seemed so fresh and healthy! I thoroughly enjoyed my chicken empanada stuffed with veggies and side of black beans and fresh salsa. Amazing. Even my non-veggie-loving hubby was brave and enjoyed it.

3. French Broad Chocolates has the best chocolates. Ever. Sure, my little souvenir box of 6 chocolates was a lovely’ $13….but it was worth the price. Mostly. I had a few that weren’t good choices for my taste (strawberry balsamic? Gag). My favorites were the lavender and honey, salted honey caramel, and one other one that I can’t find online that had caramel as well. Oh my word…such goodness. I treasured those 6 chocolates and spaced them out for days to enjoy when I got home.

4. The Waynesville Inn needs to work on their landscaping. Sure, their golf course was in excellent condition and beautifully taken care of….but for those who wanted to watch or enjoy the mountain view? Well, lets just say some bushes got in the way. Seriously? Whose grand plan was this? It sure gave Mark and I a good laugh though! We did enjoy their row of rocking chairs on the patio instead, which was a lovely way to spend our mornings watching the fog uncover the hiding mountains, hand in hand.

5. We needed this. All tourism aside, Mark and I needed this trip. We hadn’t had a trip just the 2 of us in about 3 years. This weekend made us realize we need to do this more…simply treasuring each other’s company and having quiet. Maybe that doesn’t mean a mountain getaway or a second honeymoon, but at least more date nights regularly. It was so incredibly nice to just feel like us again– letting go of chores and work responsibilities, getting to eat my food while it was still hot, not having to worry about getting strollers out, or tag teaming who gets who into the car. It felt like…freedom. Not to say I don’t enjoy and love our kids– I’ll take cold meals and dirty dishes any day if it means I have their joy in my life. But, it was so nice to step back and breathe for 2 days and come back feeling refreshed and in more in love with my husband.

And that, makes us even better parents in the long run.

Thank you mountains, and thanks Mom!

“You are the light of the world- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 6:14-16

This has been the focus in our house lately, learning to let our light shine….even when its hard.

However, I didn’t find this verse until 2 days ago when I “accidentally” (are there any accidents when God is moving in our lives?) stumbled on it, the idea to focus on our lights actually came from the song “This Little Light of Mine.” Its one of Savannah’s favorites right now and the Holy Spirit has guided me in how to use it as a parenting tool. God is awesome like that, I needed help in my parenting and He provided it through a simple song.

See, we’ve had some behavior issues and parent-child disconnect lately with Savannah. Some issues are admittedly my own fault in that she has learned how to handle her daily life frustrations in the same way I do, like blowing things out of proportion and yelling (I confess!). I was tired of fighting battles everyday, I was tired of being a yelling mommy and feeling my anger spiral out of control while watching my daughter do the same. I absolutely did not like knowing that my unthoughtful words were wounding her spirit and heart, and in turn she was acting out and dishing out the same unkindness.  So, I felt like we needed to work on this together but wasn’t sure what to do to encourage a change in her behavior, let alone my own. Old habits die hard, huh?

It’s amazing to see how God can work when we humble ourselves! One day Savannah said in her giddy 4 year old voice, “You know my favorite part of that song, Mommy? The part where it says, ‘Don’t let Satan blow it out, NO! I’m going to let it shine’ because I love Jesus!” And that got me thinking  about this song a little deeper (blame the English major in me and the Holy Spirit’s wonderful prompting!) and how we each have “lights” inside of us. I imagine it to be like a candle light, softly dancing with joy, and providing a light to all that is near. Our light is not only our love and faith in Jesus, but its our choice to live as He’s called us so others can see Jesus in us. Specifically, we do that by loving each other and bearing spiritual fruits (patience, kindness, self-control, etc. Galatians 5:22-23). When we let anger, selfishness, greed, etc. take over that is letting Satan blow that light and love out.  As I strive to teach my kids how to not only “behave” but to know Jesus as a personal friend, I’m also striving to better myself as a person and soak in these lessons as well. It often goes hand in hand, me and my kids, we are on this learning path of life together.

So I said to her, “You know Savannah, when you aren’t obeying Mommy or Daddy and yelling at us when you get angry…that is letting Satan blow your light out.” And, what do you know, it stuck! The visual of us each having a light inside that can love has really sunk into her, she wants to be like Jesus and have her light shine. And now, in moments when she may be on the edge of no return after she dislikes what I’ve said, I gently remind her about her light. “Savannah, is your light blown out?” It happened just today when I told her we weren’t buying an Icee at Target and it stopped her in her “You don’t EVER buy me anything” dramatic tracks. In turn, she now is doing the same to me when I  I feel the heat of anger rising in me and that tone of voice starts creeping out. “Mom, I think you’re light is blown out.” It always snaps me back into focus on how God has called us to love, in gentleness and patience even when its hard, and how to be a better example to my children. I’m so thankful for her accountability.

The biggest result of this little lesson? It isn’t that she behaves better, listens more, or that I yell less. It is that we both genuinely have JOY in our hearts nearly every moment now, that glow of light is felt in me and I can see it in her big blue eyes too. Joy for Jesus, joy for life, joy for our mother-daughter relationship. I love asking her, “Is your light shining?” and watching her enthusiastically squeal “Yes!“  That is priceless.

One of the things I am most enjoying as a parent is watching Savannah grow, not just physically into a beautiful girl, but spiritually as well. She is teaching me things, keeping me accountable and how to live out our faith in a childlike way. I love it!

So often I doubt myself as a Mom, like I’m not doing enough…not trying hard enough.

To control my temper and instead respond to Savannah with a gentle answer.

She watches too much TV.

Doesn’t eat enough fruits and veggies and instead eats too many sweets.

I forget to start our day in prayer, or even give thanks before our meals.

I don’t discipline her consistently.

I don’t make the time to just sit and play with her each day.

I don’t make the effort to do crafts with her (not that that is a mom requirement! But we both love crafts, WHY don’t I do more with her?)

I don’t spend time in the Bible with her each day.

But then, there are moments that make me realize I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do, like this one today. In the car she had me turn off the radio and paused her DVD player (again with the too much TV!) so she could excitedly say:

“Mom! Last night I had a really bad dream that a lobster came alive and was trying to snap me! But then, I prayed to Jesus and He gave me a good dream.”

Sure, I may not pray before meals, but we say a heartfelt prayer before bed each night, dishing out our worries and thanks to God (praying for a gentle answer, patience, joy, and love between us is a common prayer!) .  When she wakes up with a bad dream I always say a prayer with her for comfort. We talk about God throughout our days, because ultimately life around us always points back to Him. I make it a priority (now) to get our family to church when we can. That’s something.

And really, isn’t that what this motherhood journey is about? For me, the fact that Savannah’s heart is fill with God’s love is top priority. Who cares how many crafts we do or if the food she eats is organic if she knows God. If she can truly know God personally from an early age, and see God in me, the rest will outflow. I find comfort knowing that she is soaking up good things even if I don’t feel qualified at times due to my own sinful, selfish words and actions. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life…

….but sometimes I need to look past all the I don’ts and open my eyes to the I do’s.

Those doubts aren’t from God, quite the opposite.

I am good enough.

So are you.

I myself do not have allergies that I know of, but for the sake of Jaxson and his apparent reactions to certain foods I eat transmitted through my milk, I chose to change my diet. It’s been 5 months now since his rashes started appearing and  the frustrations of “What the heck is causing this?!” consumed my mommy life. It’s been quite an adventure and change for us, taking into consideration many people’s opinions from doctors to other mom’s, spending lots of wasted money on ointments, and experimenting with supplemental foods. Back in March at the doctor we pinned down the allergens to be eggs, nuts, dairy, and since then I’ve added soy to the list.

How’s it going, you ask? Well for many months I tried to avoid those foods for his sake, but often failed because of my sweet tooth. Like, when my husband would bring home doughnuts (shame on him to bring home temptation!) or I’d be at a birthday party and sneak a bit of cake. Or, not picking a decent restaurant to avoid cross-contamination, like those cook-in-front-of-you Japanese steak houses where everything is cooked with butter and right next to the eggs for fried rice! So yes, my sweet tooth and eating out has been my biggest challenge. I was getting so frustrated that even though I was “being good” most of the time, he still would have red flared up cheeks that would come and go in intensity.  Get better, get worse, get better, get worse. I would have hope that we finally had it manageable and then I’d sneak another bite of something and make it worse again. Oh, the guilt!

Several times I’ve woken up to Jaxson with blood covered sheets and bright red cheeks, but one day I had had enough. Frustrated with how I had been handling things, I turned to the idea of finding a formula that maybe he would thrive on instead of literally tearing his skin off. Good news? They do make a soy and dairy free formula! Bad news? It costs at least $30 a can, making it over $100 per month. Oy. I like that breastfeeding is free. And plus, the more I thought about it, the more I mourned the idea of losing that special bond between Jaxson and I. I’ve written before how he adores that time, both for hunger and for comfort and quite honestly, I’m not ready to give that up if I don’t need to. Still, that night I nursed him and while doing so I prayed about what God would have me do. I kid you not, the next day his face was at least 50% clearer, when just the day before he had clawed his face over and over.  To me, it was a sign from God to keep trying. So I strapped on my big girl momma boots and determined to try harder.

And, I prayed a lot.

I prayed that God would take away the cravings of the foods that caused him to flare. I prayed that he would purify my milk and the allergens would leave his body. I prayed he wouldn’t itch and scratch. And, I gave thanks that his allergy reactions are just a rash and not anything life threatening like breathing problems (Seriously. Thank you, God!).

I tell you, prayers work! Soon after that my stepmom remembered what she used to do for my little brother when he had eczema (not food related, but same itchy skin situation). We realized that Savannah would eat a PB&J or eat cereal with milk and then kiss all over her baby brother, which easily could pass allergens along. So, I followed her advice of washing his cheeks and hands more often to wipe off any allergens that were lingering on the skin. That made a huge difference! And then, I bought yet another ointment to put on his rash. I’ve tried everything it seems like, natural or not, from Emu oil to paraban laden creams recommended by the dermatologist. Although I would like to find a natural solution, but this Eczema cream with Cortizone has made the most drastic difference.

Of course, I haven’t taken a current picture of him lately except on my cell phone (shame, shame). But, let’s just say he looks kind of like this where the rashes were edited out by an awesome photographer back in May when he was about 6.5 months old:

Minus the frowny face and the froggy hat.

Sure, we have our flare ups every now and then. But, as I stick to my diet for his sake (and improving my own health along the way!) they usually are very small and manageable compared to what the past months have looked like.

Praise God for clear cheeks!

Behold, my favorite nursing shirt.

Which, actually isn’t a nursing shirt at all. Technically. At least not marketed that way. I found it at Old Navy about a week ago in the regular woman’s department and it quickly has climbed to the top of my favorite-in-closet list. Not only is it a beautiful color and has the whole “comfy-stylish-mom” look going on, but see how huge the neckline is? Makes it so easy to nurse anywhere! And a bonus, it covers up any post-baby tummy I have going on with the fit of it.  Oh, and it was cheap! I heart Old Navy.

Also, I wish I had known about nursing tanks when Savannah was a baby! They make life easier. I love to put a nursing tank under everything and make any shirt a nursing shirt. My tummy is always covered if I have to lift up my shirt to nurse and its more comfy than nursing bras any day. I found mine at Target (because I’m a cheapo who doesn’t want to pay $50 for a fancy one) and love them.

P.S. Yes, I’ve got glasses now. Remember way back when I confessed that I lied to my mom about not being able to see just so I could get glasses? Well, 18 years later it came back to get me because now I need them. Sorta, some times. Mainly for driving, but I like to wear them just because, too. They’re good for hiding tired eyes and I hear they make me look a smidgen older too. What’d you think? Do I still look 15?

May 2010- 6.5 months old. His cheeks look so much better than that now :-)

Jaxson is a Momma’s Boy. I remember Savannah being a Momma’s girl to as a baby (and still is…when she isn’t calling me “evil” because I discipline her!)

Maybe it’s this baby stage. Maybe it’s the fact that I have the milk. But, he absolutely loves being close to me and especially loves being wrapped up extra close in a carrier. Before this  summer weather got super-duper hot, we would take nightly walks to the mail box and around the neighborhood with him strapped to my back. He would kick his legs and chew on the fabric to ease his ever expanding gum line (he now has SIX teeth,  half of those came in just in the past 2 weeks. Talk about some sleepless nights!). Eventually he would lay his fuzzy head down on my back and just rest as he watched the world from behind my shoulders. Nursing has a similar effect most times, I absolutely love how he finishes many of his meals with a content sigh or squeal. It makes those middle of the night feedings a little more bearable!

I used to have moments like that with Savannah as a baby, I treasured them away in my heart, too. Now they’ve transformed into our nightly ritual of prayers, scratching her back, and snuggles. It’s different than the baby bonding, but yet the same. It’s those moments that make up for her calling me evil when I tell her no to something. It’s in those moments that peace settles in after the emotional-4-year-old-storm and all is okay again. The slate is clean, just as rain washes away the dirt she’s played in off our front sidewalk.

It is moments like these I want to remember forever with my kids. The complete contentment they have just being close to me, the peace inside both of us that for a moment all is right. The silence that nothing has to be said. Just us, enjoying closeness and bonding together our parent-child souls.

I love having a momma’s boy and girl. Thank you, God for our little blessings! Some days I have to remind myself that they are blessings, especially grumpy days like today. Like I said, sweet moments wash it all away.