Today is the day. Finally. I can’t lie, I’m nervous as can be, but also have a peace that God’s will is to be done. And mostly, I have a really positive feeling that we’re about to experience a miracle, however God sees fit in doing that. I feel like God is leaving little finger prints everywhere, that He’s got this under control. Like, yesterday before church I had the “Might to Save” song on my heart again and I prayed, “God, please let them play that song at church today! I need to hear it” and guess what? It was the very first song they played. I don’t think I’ve ever worshipped my God that hard before, it was confirmation to me that He’s still here, He hears my prayers, and He knows His plans.
So, the appointment is at 1:30pm today. I’m sure I’ll rush to the computer when I get home to share the details. Keep praying, yall. I have a feeling something miraculous will happen.
I’m still hanging in there, and doing surprising well. Since Monday I have had this surreal peace and calmness surrounding me at all times, like I can literally feel all the prayers giving me strength. It’s a God thing, seriously, because other wise I know I would be a wreck. I still feel pregnant, I’ve had nausea all day today and still no bleeding so I’m hopeful for a miracle but also willing to accept whatever God has in store for our lives. I know He is still God, He is still in control, and He still loves me. I trust Him to be the author of our story.
Also, on a huge sigh of relief note…school is over! Of course, it will start back up for me in about 3 weeks but it will be with an awesome teacher and an interesting topic AND it gets me ahead so I’m not complaing. I love sumer time. I’m so excited to get back to the library and read books for my own pleasure and not for class. Any suggestions?
Thanks again for all the comments and prayers, they are helping!
Car rides often lead to revelations for me. Something about the quiet moments, the inspirational music, the mind numbing action of driving ,all work together to be a place where God can speak to me, to calm me. Today on the way to school, it was one of those moments.
Today encouragement came through the song, “Mighty to Save” by Hillsong. We’ve sang this song many, many times at church and I’ve sung it many times in my own quiet time and I’ve always loved it. But today, it brought a whole new meaning to me as I face the uncertainty of these next few weeks.
“Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.”
Singing that chorus brought a whole new trust in my God. That he can move mountains, and he conquered the grave, of course He has control of this situation as well. Of course he will save me and these babies in His time and in His way.
“I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in, Now I surrender.”
And that’s what it was for me, a moment of surrender. I haven’t surrendered in a long, long time. I’ve been so distant from God in my busy life these past few months but in this moment I did surrender to God’s plan, to His love. It’s sad that it takes a rough experience in life for me to reach out again, but still I feel welcomed with open arms.
“Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We’re singing for the glory of the risen King”
And lastly, I was encouraged to praise Him no matter what happens with these babies. I felt the peace and encouragement I feel when I talk about Kaylee, that though my pain during her adoption was hard to bare at times, our story has brought so many people encouragement and an example of who God is. I have no fear that however this new story unfolds, God will be the author and shine through as well.
I’m hanging in there. Or should I say we are as a family, but obviously this waiting is hardest on me. Everyone has been so supportive, thank you all for the prayers and sending virtual hugs or even sharing your own stories. It’s amazing how many women I know had miscarriages that I didn’t know about, it brings comfort to know I’m not alone and if they can get through it I can too–if it comes to that.
Some one sent me a link to Misdiagnosed Miscarriage website that has brought me a lot of hope in reading other’s stories. There are many amazing misdiagnosed stories that relate to our situation (having a low heart beat at first, or the second twin suddenly appearing) that have turned out to be just fine, healthy pregnancies and babies. However, there are also ones who were not so lucky and did miscarry, but again, it’s amazing to find such an awesome support group and to know either way I can get through this.
Still, I can’t lie that I’m always at peace or okay or ready for whatever God gives us. Sometimes I am filled with hope that this baby (or babies) will survive and will be just fine by May 11th for us to know that. But mostly, I’m filled with sorrow and dread right now. Dread for May 11th to get here only to find out the worst, dread for the pain that may come emotionally and physically, dread to even go to the bathroom to look. I hate this waiting game, especially with what my intuition says will happen. I just want to get this over with. If it’s going to happen, I just want to get it over with so I can move on.
This news also came at a horrible time, since exams start tomorrow and my mind, heart, emotions are every where but wanting to concentrate on studying. But, thankfully, three more days and both Mark and I will be done for the semester and I can relax and do nothing like I so want to do. I want to be still and sit in the presence of God and just be.
Please keep praying, I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better and I can’t imagine how much more this will hurt my heart than it already has. Thanks again everyone for the support.
I never, ever thought a post like this would come from me. A young girl who has had two healthy pregnancies, two healthy girls. Let me explain:
My midwife ordered an ultrasound for today to check my dates since I have irregular cycles now (sorry Dad, too much information, I’m sure!). According to my last cycle I should be well into 8 weeks, but I thought I would be around 7 weeks. Well, we go to the appointment and the ultrasound technician is quiet until I ask a question. And she said, “I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure, but there are two yolk sacs.” However, there was only one baby we could see. It appears the other baby already has passed away and the sac is shrinking, which happens a lot in many women. And I’m ok with that because seriously? Us having twins? We would go insane. And my body who can barely fit one baby, holding two? Ouch.
But, what is concerning to me and the doctor there is that the baby is only measuring at 6 weeks (which I suppose is plausible) and the heart rate is very, very low at 67 bpm. Now, let me put this in perspective. A baby’s heart starts beating around 5 or 6 weeks and it quickly goes to being in 100′s, this baby should be all the way in the 130′s or 140′s or even higher. Not good. So, unless something miraculous happens by my next appointment and God decides this baby has a purpose on earth, it really appears that I’ll have two babies in heaven.
This is all a shock to us of course. We weren’t expecting twins and we weren’t expecting our baby to not to be healthy. I mean, how can it be? But I have faith in God and that things do happen for a reason. I like the way Mark put it, he said that we’ll have two babies who don’t have to suffer through this fallen world and they can go straight to heaven. And I responded with, “But I never got to know them…” and he said, “But we’ll have eternity with them and get to know them.” My husband sure is a good man with a way to ease my heart.
I’m ok, really. I have peace as I rest in God’s will and warm presence. I trust that He knows what is best for these babies and for our family. I trust that we’ll expand our family again someday when the timing is right.
Until we know more, if you are the praying type, prays would be lovely. Grief has already set in as I (we) prepare for the worst soon.
