Ah, it’s been a wonderfully refreshing trip. (And I’m not even home yet! I figured I’d write something now because I know I won’t have time when I get home between school work, laundry, and ya know, spending time with my family like I’m accused of not doing. ha.)

The flight to Indiana on Friday was frustrating.  It was just a crappy day to fly, with lots of clouds and rain, which apparently put us behind on my first flight.  We didn’t land in Detroit for my connection flight until 15 minutes before my other flight left. Which means, I had to hurry off of RUN all the way across the airport (and if you know me, I do not run…) to try and catch it before I left. And I did. *Whew* The plane was still there, with the steps and everything….but they wouldn’t let me on. In fact, there were a whole group of us that were late due to our plane and they wouldn’t let us on. With the plane RIGHT THERE! Stupid. We had to walk all the way to the other side of the airport again to catch another flight, which put me behind when I was supposed to arrive about 1.5 hours.  I hate Detroit. I will never go there again, simply for the rude staff and the ridiculous layout of that airport. The one good thing they did was get my luggage on the right plane.

Moving on. I met up with Bre and we made our way to eat lunch/dinner with a wonderfully sweet adoptive Mom and her three year old daughter. We knew her from the message board Breanna and I met on, so it was neat to meet another one of those amazing ladies that we’ve known for years. Also? Her daughter reminded me so much of Savannah in the way she talked and acted, I bet they would have gotten along well if I had brought her :-)  After that we went shopping, mainly to walk the aisles of Babies R Us where I shared my experience as a Mom and what products I used or would use if I could do it over again.  She ended up with a cart load!  It’s amazing how much new stuff is already out since Savannah, there are definitely things I will be going back for when it’s our time for a new baby again.  And later, Bre shared with me her experience of having her own house and what products are good for my Christmas list (which is all house things in preparation for our move next year), so we both gained insight from each other :-)

Pretty much every morning I’ve been able to sleep in until at least 9:30 (yesterday, 10:30!) and drink my hot tea in silence, which is very rare in my motherhood world. It’s been nice. However, sleeping in 4 days in a row makes the days fly by and almost feels like a waste. As weird as it is, it made me grateful that Savannah gets me up earlier so that I actually do things with my day besides sleep.  I still enjoyed it while it lasted but it just gave me a new appriciation for getting up early when I have to.

Other things we did: Went to Target twice (gotta love Target!), made modpodge shoes (will post pictures later!), ate smores by a bonfire, took a walk, watched “Sunshine Cleaning,” and went to Bre’s doctor appointment.

I will say, I’m doing a lot better emotionally wise than I thought I would.  As you may know, Bre and I got pregnant around the same time and were due within just a week or two of each other. Sure at times I have thought to myself, “that would be me right now, I would be seven months pregnant” but mostly, I’m just thrilled for her.  They will make great parents, and I know she felt the same bittersweetness when I was pregnant with Savannah. But still, it is odd going to the doctor and not being the pregnant one , experiencing the pokes and prods and the movements as the baby squirms away from the heart doppler. But, I’m okay.  Sure, it makes the desire for another child stronger, but I know God will bless us in His time.

And now, as this trip is nearing it’s end, I’m mostly grateful that I had not just some “me” time away from my home world, but Bre time as well.  There’s nothing like spending time with your best friend, especially when she’s preparing for a baby. It’s been exciting to share this time with her in person instead of through a computer screen. Hoping for another trip in the spring to be able to meet their new addition :-)

Of course, we forgot to take pictures of our trip (except of shoes…). Lame.

While I am still at peace and know there is nothing I could have done about my miscarriage, I’m seeing pregnant people everywhere or stumbling across their blogs where they describe pregnancy stuff…and it stabs me in the heart.

While at Best Buy on Friday I was watching Mark and Brother-In-Law play Rock Band when a pregnant woman, probably 5-6 months, was looking at products near by and I had to walk away to keep from crying in the store. It hurts, yall.  It hurts to be reminded that right now I would be near or in my 4th month, about to find out the gender of my baby.  Summer was supposed to be about a cute little belly in a bathing suit, feeling the tiny flutters for the first time, and finally getting that long awaited ultrasound appointment to know whether we would have a boy or girl.

It doesn’t affect me all the time because for the most part I am doing really well and know that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the emotions do hit at weird times.  I can see a pregnant lady at church and not be affected, but the next day I may be. The feelings of a miscarriage totally remind me adoption feelings. The emptiness at times. The sadness that the dreams you had won’t be lived out with you, but some where else, whether with new parents or in Heaven. And yet similarly, the grief cycle has been the same as well but at an accelerated rate either because my pregnancy was much shorter this time or because I’ve been through grief a million times before and know what to do: turn to God.

I am closer to God than ever right now and I’m thankful. My feet are on solid ground, but sometimes God just has to hold me up a little more.  And as I say a prayer for my babies to hear, to know they will always be in my heart, I’m reminded they are well taken care of (as is Kaylee) and one day…I will get to hold them and know who they are forever.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

I’ve been meaning to write, really I have. I’m still alive. Between going back to school, Savannah, packing for our trip, and in general trying not to over do it,” the blog has taken a back seat. But, I can’t lie that this past week has been not easy.  Though I was strong in my faith and had peace before, the emotions and hormones started to crash last Sunday.  That day I also physically started to feel worse and I cry when I don’t feel good, too so it was a double whamy!  But, I had wonderful family to take care of me and a husband who held me as a cried and I have just been taking one day at a time.

Also, yesterday Kaylee turned Five!  (Totally meant to have a Kaylee devoted post…) It boogles my mind that she’s five. Five is a big number for a kid. It’s a whole hand to count with. How is she big enough for that and going off to kindergarten in just a few months? How am I old enough to have a 5 year old? I will say though, it is so neat to watch her grow up, that she can talk on the phone with me now and tell me things she likes and about her day.  Yesterday I called her for her birthday and we chatted for a minute but then she asked to talk with Savannah. So they had a short chat as well about who knows what, but they were both so excited and it was adorable. I think that’s what I most look forward to is seeing how they grow together.  Every day I tell Savannah how many days it is until we see Kaylee and she always says, “YIPPEE!!!”

Her Mom told me that Kaylee wanted to wait to go to Build-a-Bear to go with “Miss Leah” instead of on her birthday.  Melt my heart. I like that’s she old enough to choose to want to be with me and love me/us :-)

Alright, time to pack up for our visit!

I’m home.

I got there at 11, they took me back pretty quickly to get changed and an iv started (which I had to go through twice!  That was the most painful part, ugh. It was worse than the times I had it during child labor)  I was touched that the dr (never met before) said a prayer for me, the baby in heaven, my children here on earth that they would know God as they grow, etc. before he left. It calmed me a lot knowing he was a Christian too and I felt like I was in good hands. Mom was able to come back after I was settled in and we waited and talked until 1:30 when they took me back (they were running late).  I was starving and it sucked.

They gave me medicine through my IV before I was even wheeled to the OR and by the time I was down the hall and saw the room I was already feeling tired.  I remember they moved me to the operating table and put an oxygen mask on and the next thing I know I was waking up in recovery an hour later.  I wasn’t in pain (and still not), just tired. And when I realized where I was I started crying. That all this was over, the remains of my babies tissue were gone, that I was no longer pregnant, etc.  The nurse was very sweet and rubbed my back and gave me tissues.  Every person that took care of me was amazing and made the process so much easier to have great people around me.  I think some one commented, either here or elsewhere, a prayer  that angels would be with every person that worked with me, and I truly felt they were. I felt in very good hands.

I was moved to second recovery soon after I woke up where my Mom joined me and I got the best tasting ginger ale and crackers ever (lol I was so hungry). I had no nausea which was good, they kept warning me about it and I know friends and family that react badly to it but I was fine.  I was meeting all the “requirements” to go home easily and felt good so by 4:30 I was able to go home. I got soup on the way home from Panera Bread and was able to eat some of that.

Savannah snuggled with me after dinner, she was upset I can’t lift her up or play right now so snuggling satisfied her.  I’m doing really, really well. Seriously, very little pain, mostly none without even pain meds. I’m just tired and taking it easy and loving being able to just relax.

Thanks for all the prayers! They are truly felt right now, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I’m not in any pain and feel at peace, even when I get a little teary-eyed some times that all this is over.

Just so yall know…surgery at 1pm today.

I’m scared, nervous. (And hungry.)  I know I’m doing the right thing, but getting to the other side of not pregnant is scary. The unknown of this.

And seriously, I’m scared they are going to put a hole in my uterus. But I’ll just have to keep trusting that God will see me through this just as he has in the past.

Again, prayers would be lovely. For peace, comfort, calmness, that God will be with me and the doctor and other staff, that he’ll protect my precious uterus. Just that everything goes smoothly.  Thank you all so much for your support through this!

It’s been 3 weeks since my second ultrasound that showed no heartbeat or “progression.”  But my body was growing  so I didn’t know what to make of it. Was it a mistake, did my tilted uterus effect their reading of the baby last time, was the baby hiding behind the twin?  I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed about this and always my answer was simply to wait. Or, call it a gut instinct if you don’t believe in God and prayer, but something inside me said “Just wait, Leah.” So I did.  I think part of it was also though that I just really didn’t want a D&C (or actually a D&E is what they do here) because of the fear and the un-naturalness of it.  I was fearful of thinking that even if my baby’s tiny body was inside me and wasn’t alive, I hated the thought of it just being sucked/taken away. And what if technology was wrong? What if it was really alive but the ultrasound just wasn’t picking it up (it has happened before…)? I didn’t want to live with wondering or questioning the rest of my life.

But thinking about it, logically, now that it’s been 3 weeks and just life’s demands on the schedule, this week would be the best time to take action if the baby did turn out to be absolutely gone.   I didn’t want to wait too long to mess with those highly important Kaylee plans next weekend.  And, ya know, the risk of infection from not miscarrying I’m sure raises every day and week.  So, I finally just did it. I called the dr. yesterday after class thinking they would work me in the schedule maybe the next day or Thursday but…they said 3 weeks was way too long and I needed to be seen right then to see what is going on.

My mother in law came with me, Savannah stayed with father in law (God bless them), and we headed out the door quickly since it takes an hour to get there. Mark was still at work and couldn’t/wouldn’t leave since he just started Monday and I was ok with that.  I’m actually glad they wanted to see me ASAP because it didn’t give me anytime to think, stress, and worry like the other ultrasound. I just had to get out the door and drive.  Of course, I said my prayers that it would be totally obvious with the baby, that we would know without a doubt either way His will.  And as soon as I pulled out on our main road, the song “Mighty to Save” came on (which as I’ve said has been a HUGE comfort to me during this past month) and it totally put my nerves at ease and assured me that God is STILL here with me and still has control of this situation.

So, we get there and I meet with another dr. I’ve never met, but liked. He did an ultrasound and immediately I saw there was nothing there. Just a empty black gestational sack (which was actually divided like it had twins so we definitely had twins with the yolk sacs we saw earlier and the division we saw this time).  There was a grayish area to one side that the Dr. said that that is where the baby most likely absorbed into.  And really, I was relieved.  I didn’t want to see a baby up there again, with no heartbeat knowing I needed to do something about it.  I really feel at peace and that God heard my prayers and fears about all this.  It’s just tissue they are removing and that makes me feel better some how.

Yes, I am nervous to have the D&E done simply because of the unknown experience and anesthesia (and HELLO! They are messing with my reproductive system and I still would like future kids!). But, I’m faithful that God again will see me through and calm my fears and provide the doctors with the skills to do it correctly.  I think it will be on Friday, but they haven’t confirmed.  Mark can’t take off work but my Mom is coming down to take me to the hospital and take care of me.  Which is probably just as well since who is it we always want when we’re sick? Mom.

Anyways, I’m fine emotionally and physically right now. I don’t know how I will be right before or after, but I’m sure I’m doing the right thing. It’s just scary getting to the other side of “not pregnant” again.

And so, that’s how this pregnancy story ends.  Sadly. But it’s also joyfully, that these babies are in heaven with some very special family and friends of mine and they never have to experience the pain of this fallen world. I’ll hold you one day.

I suppose I should say how my trip went, and, well, let you know I’m still alive. In short: It was not the greatest trip ever.

Example 1: Savannah whined or cried much of the time.  Typical 2 year old? Yes.  Bored girl? Yes. Why?

Example 2: It rained the entire trip. Poor girl. We prepped for a week to get ready to go for the beach and she was SO beyond excited!  And…it rained and rained and was freezing cold for 3 out of 4 days.  And this beach was not Myrtle Beach, folks. There is nothing to do for a 2 year old but the bowling ally (which, was one fun and happy event of the trip) and the aquarium (also fun…I got to watch a snake peel a layer of skin! I normally HATE snakes, but behind a think glass and something this rare to see was cool in my book). So, we ended up watching a LOT of movies.

Example 3:  On Wednesday, it was still a tiny bit chilly but rain wasn’t supposed to happen so we finally get to go to the beach without freezing our buns off.  I do not lie…no more than 20 minutues after setting up at the beach, me in the beach chair settling into a book, them playing in the water (Crazy kids…)….it starts to rain.  It had been completely clear the entire day until, of course, we go the beach.  It was ridiculous.

The high lights? As I said, bowling with Savannah for the first time (and I beat Mark the second round!), going to the aquarium, discovering the amazingness of Quiznos Subs and their giant warm cookies (we ate there 3 times…), and FINALLY getting a warm and rain free day on Thursday (the day we left, of course) to enjoy the beach.  We’re all a tiny bit golden now, and very tired.   I’m so done with long trips right now. And that wasn’t even that long of a trip in total (5 and half hours all together). At least we ended on a high note…

Now, my summer vacation is officially over and it’s back to school for me.  I’ve already got one week down and the class is very laid back and fascinating.  Its just the way to spend the next 2 months of my life if I have to take classes (my next class in July is with the same teacher as well).

But for the weekend, I’m off to the mountains to visit my Mom. Alone!  I have never left Savannah with Mark for a weekend out of town so I am happy to break that and have a relaxing weekend away.  Have great weekend, folks!

P.S. Still waiting for miscarriage. Yet, my belly is growing so not sure what is going on.  My gut and answer to my prayers keep saying “wait” so I am.  I’ll prob. call for a check up in a week or two. Yes, I know the risk of infection but I trust my God to tell me when to make the next move.

You guessed it,  I’m still hanging in there. I think I did a lot of my grieving in the days after finding out that the babies might not live after the first ultrasound, so finding out on Monday that it was what they expected didn’t hit me as hard.  I still feel the cycles of grief, ranging from sorrow to anger, but for the most part I’m doing fine.  I still have no signs of a miscarriage, which probably is the hardest thing right now because, guys, I’m carrying around dead babies and that’s just weird to think about.  Based on the growth of the ultrasound Monday, it’s probably been well over a week since the one with a heartbeat passed away and we’re easily stretching into two weeks.  I’ve read about women taking as long as 6 weeks before it happened naturally, or they went in for a D&C.  I’m not ready to go for surgery yet, so I will continue to wait for God’s timing. I trust He has this in control as well and has a time for the final end.

Thankfully, we’re going to the beach this weekend, and really it could not come at a more needed time.  Not that being out of school and spending my days now reading books and playing with Savannah isn’t relaxing right now, but my soul longs to be at the beach. It always draws me closer to God as I sit in the sand, in awe of the ocean’s majesticness and that He created it all.

And in other good news, Mark is offically a college graduate, finishing with 3 A’s and 2 B’s (I’m quite proud!). And, I’m offically a senior finishing with 3 B’s and 2 A’s.  I’ve fallen a little lower on the grading scale since my sophmore year of straight A’s, but I’m assuming it’s because the classes are getting harder now and I’m thrilled to even just pass some of the classes!  I’m so happy that I am now done with British Lit, Spanish, and Math forever.  It’s a much welcomed day, as those topics were not my favorite what so ever but were required. It’s all English classes and Women’s studies for the next year :-)  It’s hard to believe I’m hitting the home stretch, it seemed forever away and now it’s so close I can feel it.  And really, it seems just like yesterday I was graduating high school, where have the past 4 years gone?!

I probably won’t be around until we get back from the beach, so have a wonderful weekend and week!

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.