As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

Apparently God wanted to give us yet another blessing. I call it a house warming gift.

I think a new baby and nursery will look lovely in our 3rd bedroom, don’t you?

While I am so excited, I am probably more completely scared to pieces of a repeat of last year.  Like, to the point of a small panic attack when my Dr. wanted me to come in for a check up today. I couldn’t face going back to the same doctor’s office/hospital where I heard so much bad news and where I had my D&E. I could do it, and I won’t. I promptly canceled my appointment for today and switched doctors. This past month has felt eerily like almost a year ago, even being sick and taking medications not knowing I was pregnant. I just pray that this year has different results: a healthy full term baby.

So, while it is still very, extremely, early in this pregnancy game and I’m scared to even mention it, I wanted to because I know I have some prayer warriors out there, or people who at least can think some happy thoughts.  Could you keep us in thoughts and prayers? I can’t let this fear overcome the joy.

Where is that balance of being cautiously realistic and yet thinking positive thoughts of hope?

I may not be holding babies in my arms right now like I should be, but God has given us another blessing this week (what great timing He has!) that makes my heart leap with joy and possibilities.

(I wanted to put a big red bow on it but Flickr wouldn’t let me without paying, so a Santa hat will have to do)

Since we had Savannah at 19 and still in college, Mark’s parents have been amazing in letting us stay with them for the past 3 years as we finish school and get on our feet.  Now, finally, it’s time to move out. And while I’m so incredibly grateful we had this time and extra hands to help out, we’re so ready to have our own place! This is all happening a little sooner than planned (originally wanted to move after I graduate in May), but this house and the price were too perfect to pass up. We’re all so excited! Savannah is excited about getting a “princess room,” she’s already planning on having it be purple  (it was pink last week, what will it be by the time we actually paint?)

Now I need to start working on that kitchen table!  And…packing…that doesn’t sound like fun though…

I keep opening my mail box and being reminded that I’m not pregnant.

Somehow I’m on various mailing list that assumee that I’m still pregnant. I mean, I guess I can’t expect companies magically to know which people on mailing lists haven’t made it through the pregnancy, but, it’s still gives me a little kick to the gut every time I see a box of formula starring at me or a teeny-tiny newborn diaper. My first reaction is “Aw, how CUTE!” and then I move to, “Wow, I would be needing these very soon if the babies had lived” and then I move to the sadness of remembering what it was like to be 9 months pregnant with Savannah and thrilled (and so READY) to give birth.  My baby girl is about to turn three in a few short months, those memories seem so distant now and yet so close.

That would be me right now, experiencing those moments again. I would be about 37 weeks pregnant, sporting chubbier cheeks and a belly the size of a humongous watermelon. I would be organizing and reorganizing tiny onsies and blankets in a nursery. Savannah would be feeling the rolls and squirms in awe and excited for her little brother or sister (or both) to arrive.  It’s insane how quickly the time has flown by to this point, I was half hoping it never would arrive. It’s just not right to be at this point and not having the proof that there was a baby in there and should be almost here.

It makes me long for another one. I know I can never fill the place of the ones we lost, or even Kaylee, but I just know our family is not complete yet. Still, now is not the time. Especially since we are starting the process to build a house (!). And getting a house is much more needed right now to house our future growing family, no? First things first.

So, for now, I set the newborn diapers aside for a later date and I pass the formula and coupons along to people who need it.

One day, one day.

Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy.  As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness.  I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.

But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now.  Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected. 

Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.

Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.

Ah, it’s been a wonderfully refreshing trip. (And I’m not even home yet! I figured I’d write something now because I know I won’t have time when I get home between school work, laundry, and ya know, spending time with my family like I’m accused of not doing. ha.)

The flight to Indiana on Friday was frustrating.  It was just a crappy day to fly, with lots of clouds and rain, which apparently put us behind on my first flight.  We didn’t land in Detroit for my connection flight until 15 minutes before my other flight left. Which means, I had to hurry off of RUN all the way across the airport (and if you know me, I do not run…) to try and catch it before I left. And I did. *Whew* The plane was still there, with the steps and everything….but they wouldn’t let me on. In fact, there were a whole group of us that were late due to our plane and they wouldn’t let us on. With the plane RIGHT THERE! Stupid. We had to walk all the way to the other side of the airport again to catch another flight, which put me behind when I was supposed to arrive about 1.5 hours.  I hate Detroit. I will never go there again, simply for the rude staff and the ridiculous layout of that airport. The one good thing they did was get my luggage on the right plane.

Moving on. I met up with Bre and we made our way to eat lunch/dinner with a wonderfully sweet adoptive Mom and her three year old daughter. We knew her from the message board Breanna and I met on, so it was neat to meet another one of those amazing ladies that we’ve known for years. Also? Her daughter reminded me so much of Savannah in the way she talked and acted, I bet they would have gotten along well if I had brought her :-)  After that we went shopping, mainly to walk the aisles of Babies R Us where I shared my experience as a Mom and what products I used or would use if I could do it over again.  She ended up with a cart load!  It’s amazing how much new stuff is already out since Savannah, there are definitely things I will be going back for when it’s our time for a new baby again.  And later, Bre shared with me her experience of having her own house and what products are good for my Christmas list (which is all house things in preparation for our move next year), so we both gained insight from each other :-)

Pretty much every morning I’ve been able to sleep in until at least 9:30 (yesterday, 10:30!) and drink my hot tea in silence, which is very rare in my motherhood world. It’s been nice. However, sleeping in 4 days in a row makes the days fly by and almost feels like a waste. As weird as it is, it made me grateful that Savannah gets me up earlier so that I actually do things with my day besides sleep.  I still enjoyed it while it lasted but it just gave me a new appriciation for getting up early when I have to.

Other things we did: Went to Target twice (gotta love Target!), made modpodge shoes (will post pictures later!), ate smores by a bonfire, took a walk, watched “Sunshine Cleaning,” and went to Bre’s doctor appointment.

I will say, I’m doing a lot better emotionally wise than I thought I would.  As you may know, Bre and I got pregnant around the same time and were due within just a week or two of each other. Sure at times I have thought to myself, “that would be me right now, I would be seven months pregnant” but mostly, I’m just thrilled for her.  They will make great parents, and I know she felt the same bittersweetness when I was pregnant with Savannah. But still, it is odd going to the doctor and not being the pregnant one , experiencing the pokes and prods and the movements as the baby squirms away from the heart doppler. But, I’m okay.  Sure, it makes the desire for another child stronger, but I know God will bless us in His time.

And now, as this trip is nearing it’s end, I’m mostly grateful that I had not just some “me” time away from my home world, but Bre time as well.  There’s nothing like spending time with your best friend, especially when she’s preparing for a baby. It’s been exciting to share this time with her in person instead of through a computer screen. Hoping for another trip in the spring to be able to meet their new addition :-)

Of course, we forgot to take pictures of our trip (except of shoes…). Lame.

While I am still at peace and know there is nothing I could have done about my miscarriage, I’m seeing pregnant people everywhere or stumbling across their blogs where they describe pregnancy stuff…and it stabs me in the heart.

While at Best Buy on Friday I was watching Mark and Brother-In-Law play Rock Band when a pregnant woman, probably 5-6 months, was looking at products near by and I had to walk away to keep from crying in the store. It hurts, yall.  It hurts to be reminded that right now I would be near or in my 4th month, about to find out the gender of my baby.  Summer was supposed to be about a cute little belly in a bathing suit, feeling the tiny flutters for the first time, and finally getting that long awaited ultrasound appointment to know whether we would have a boy or girl.

It doesn’t affect me all the time because for the most part I am doing really well and know that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the emotions do hit at weird times.  I can see a pregnant lady at church and not be affected, but the next day I may be. The feelings of a miscarriage totally remind me adoption feelings. The emptiness at times. The sadness that the dreams you had won’t be lived out with you, but some where else, whether with new parents or in Heaven. And yet similarly, the grief cycle has been the same as well but at an accelerated rate either because my pregnancy was much shorter this time or because I’ve been through grief a million times before and know what to do: turn to God.

I am closer to God than ever right now and I’m thankful. My feet are on solid ground, but sometimes God just has to hold me up a little more.  And as I say a prayer for my babies to hear, to know they will always be in my heart, I’m reminded they are well taken care of (as is Kaylee) and one day…I will get to hold them and know who they are forever.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

I’ve been meaning to write, really I have. I’m still alive. Between going back to school, Savannah, packing for our trip, and in general trying not to over do it,” the blog has taken a back seat. But, I can’t lie that this past week has been not easy.  Though I was strong in my faith and had peace before, the emotions and hormones started to crash last Sunday.  That day I also physically started to feel worse and I cry when I don’t feel good, too so it was a double whamy!  But, I had wonderful family to take care of me and a husband who held me as a cried and I have just been taking one day at a time.

Also, yesterday Kaylee turned Five!  (Totally meant to have a Kaylee devoted post…) It boogles my mind that she’s five. Five is a big number for a kid. It’s a whole hand to count with. How is she big enough for that and going off to kindergarten in just a few months? How am I old enough to have a 5 year old? I will say though, it is so neat to watch her grow up, that she can talk on the phone with me now and tell me things she likes and about her day.  Yesterday I called her for her birthday and we chatted for a minute but then she asked to talk with Savannah. So they had a short chat as well about who knows what, but they were both so excited and it was adorable. I think that’s what I most look forward to is seeing how they grow together.  Every day I tell Savannah how many days it is until we see Kaylee and she always says, “YIPPEE!!!”

Her Mom told me that Kaylee wanted to wait to go to Build-a-Bear to go with “Miss Leah” instead of on her birthday.  Melt my heart. I like that’s she old enough to choose to want to be with me and love me/us :-)

Alright, time to pack up for our visit!

I’m home.

I got there at 11, they took me back pretty quickly to get changed and an iv started (which I had to go through twice!  That was the most painful part, ugh. It was worse than the times I had it during child labor)  I was touched that the dr (never met before) said a prayer for me, the baby in heaven, my children here on earth that they would know God as they grow, etc. before he left. It calmed me a lot knowing he was a Christian too and I felt like I was in good hands. Mom was able to come back after I was settled in and we waited and talked until 1:30 when they took me back (they were running late).  I was starving and it sucked.

They gave me medicine through my IV before I was even wheeled to the OR and by the time I was down the hall and saw the room I was already feeling tired.  I remember they moved me to the operating table and put an oxygen mask on and the next thing I know I was waking up in recovery an hour later.  I wasn’t in pain (and still not), just tired. And when I realized where I was I started crying. That all this was over, the remains of my babies tissue were gone, that I was no longer pregnant, etc.  The nurse was very sweet and rubbed my back and gave me tissues.  Every person that took care of me was amazing and made the process so much easier to have great people around me.  I think some one commented, either here or elsewhere, a prayer  that angels would be with every person that worked with me, and I truly felt they were. I felt in very good hands.

I was moved to second recovery soon after I woke up where my Mom joined me and I got the best tasting ginger ale and crackers ever (lol I was so hungry). I had no nausea which was good, they kept warning me about it and I know friends and family that react badly to it but I was fine.  I was meeting all the “requirements” to go home easily and felt good so by 4:30 I was able to go home. I got soup on the way home from Panera Bread and was able to eat some of that.

Savannah snuggled with me after dinner, she was upset I can’t lift her up or play right now so snuggling satisfied her.  I’m doing really, really well. Seriously, very little pain, mostly none without even pain meds. I’m just tired and taking it easy and loving being able to just relax.

Thanks for all the prayers! They are truly felt right now, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I’m not in any pain and feel at peace, even when I get a little teary-eyed some times that all this is over.