I know my posts are few and far between now, I apologize. I wish I made the time to write for myself more, but the truth is there are so many other areas in life and people that need my attention in this season of life!

In the weeks of blogging silence, many good things happen and God has been teaching me in so many ways and I hope one day soon I will make the time to write about them. But today, my heart is heavy, in a sad yet joyful way. Its that time again. June. The month where I’m reminded of what I’ve been through and lost. A reminder of pain, yet of how God used that pain for glory and redemption.

7 (SEVEN!) years ago, I was preparing to give birth to Kaylee and place her into her family’s arms. Her 7th birthday is coming up next weekend.  Every year it amazes me how it sneaks up on me, just like these emotions.  Once again, I’m blessed to be invited to be a part of her special day. I get to see her beautiful smile and her eyes light up as we sing happy birthday and giggle as Savannah chases her around the house. That in itself, makes it worth it. Knowing how God used that time in my life makes it worth it, but I can’t deny the heavy heart of sadness. We miss her!

And then, June 5th (tomorrow) was the day our twins officially left my body, though they were physically and spiritually long gone before.  June 5th made it real, my womb was empty. Its hard to believe its been 2 years ago already. June always makes the wounds feel fresh again, just as with adoption emotions. I’ve said before how similar the emotions of adoption are to a miscarriage, at least in my experience. The life once inside a body, but leaving the hospital empty handed and a grieving heart. Knowing that I wouldn’t get to be their Mom, mourning that loss of role. And yet, like a rainbow after a storm June is a reminder of God’s love, guidance, and healing hand. I know He was holding me during those days of sorrow, and I know He’s holding me now.

June is hard, but God is good!

For the most part I feel peace about the miscarriage I experienced back in 2009, as do I about my adoption experience. I felt and saw the hand of God during those times and that only strengthened my faith and brought me the peace I needed, and still need, about those hard times. But some times…sometimes…grief strikes again like a quick flash of lightening. It usually only happens for a minute, but its enough to bring me back to those dark moments, remembering what it was like in those uncertain and heartbreaking times. Times of completely surrendering to God because there was nothing else I could do, I had no control.

Today was one of those moments. I’ve been reading Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back and besides being completely fascinating, it has brought healing and answers to questions I’ve had on my heart for years. I can’t put it down! (except to write this, of course.) What has fascinated me most though is how the little boy Colton describes people he met while he was in Heaven, people he never met on earth and sometimes didn’t even know about until he went to Heaven. One was a little girl who wouldn’t stop hugging him…his sister that her mother had miscarried before he was even born. “‘It’s okay, Mommy,’ he said. ‘She’s okay. God adopted her.” And it hit. Flash. Tears came and I had to tear my eyes away from the book to cry into my hand and pray.  I know my twins are okay. I’ve written poems that came straight from my soul, visions of them free and dancing happily in Heaven. But, I miss them.  To hear a little boy meet his sister and see without a doubt that she is a child of God and that she is okay is confirmation to me, just as it was for Colton’s mom. They’re okay, they’re loved!

What tore at my heart though was what came the next page over. Colton’s mom asks what the little girl’s name was since they had miscarried her before they knew she was girl. “She doesn’t have a name. You guys didn’t name her.” My twins don’t have a name either. They are running (or flying as Colton said) around in Heaven nameless. And it hit me…I need to name them. I’ve felt this for a long time, but without truly knowing their sex I’ve held off doing so. All I have are the dreams I often have of them while I sleep, it’s always one boy and one girl who come out of my tummy early but are always okay. Fitting, huh? Again, its one of those confirmations that brings peace. I’ve always felt it was a boy and girl, but the ultrasound showed them in the same gestational sac, so they would have been identical and therefore would have had to be the same sex from my understanding. But, maybe I don’t understand it. Only God knows, and I feel like I should trust the visions I feel He’s given me of them.

I know this story is about Colton’s family, but I feel like God has used it to speak to me too. It’s like a little message from my twins or my Paw-Paw, that they’re waiting on the other side cheering me on and waiting for the day we can reunite. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse of them just as Colton has and it brings so much joy. And while I wait to be with them again this book has shown me to keep having faith, peace, and trust that God is very real and so are His promises, that I will get to hold my babies one day and spend eternity with my dear friends and family that have passed away. That we’ll meet Jesus and fly and see rainbows. That there is a place far beyond what we can imagine with no pain. Colton told his Mom, “Yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.” Oh, my babies, I can’t wait to go there too!  To meet you, to finally hold you, to truly know you.

Until then, they need a name. A name for Jesus to call to them in Heaven and so I can call to them when I finally arrive.

(P.S. I highly recommend this book whether you are a believer in Christ or not! It is very well written and the story encompasses you. Go read it!)

I know I’ve been missing lately. We’ve been busy with lots of play dates, trips, even a concert and getting to ride the real life Thomas the Train. More on all that later :-)

Right now I wanted to share something special I stumbled on a fellow “rainbow mommy” blog. What is a rainbow parent? Someone who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, failed adoption, etc. and is expecting a new child after the loss. Expecting after a loss definitely is a scary place to be at times, but exciting. It’s a time of hope that this time it will be different, but also a place of vulnerability and fear, just like I experienced during the first trimester. (I can’t help but feel so blessed looking back and reading those scared posts, thank you God for Jaxson!)

Stephanie is the artist of Beyond Words Designs and she wants to share her gift of art with other rainbow parents in hopes that the art will bring healing and excitement for the new little one. Her daughter Amelia was stillborn this past March and so she knows the pain and grief all to well (you can read her story her). Thankfully though, she has taken her gift and used it to help her through her own grief as well as other parents, resulting in beautiful and meaningful artwork!

And, she is helping us small-budget rainbow parents by offering 50% off her Fanciful Collection for rainbow parents until August 7th. Visit her website for examples and promotion rules. I normally wouldn’t buy something like this since I’m kinda artsy myself and had plans of doing my own letter J for Jaxson’s room (using fabric, not paint) but I really wanted to support a fellow rainbow mom and her talent :-) I can’t wait to see what she comes up with for his room! Of course, I will share the results when I receive it.

(Note: I am purchasing with my own moo-lah and was not paid to promote Beyond Words Designs)

When I was pregnant with Kaylee and Savannah, I took for granted how precious life is. I didn’t realize how easily it could slip away, how lucky I was to have two healthy pregnancies and healthy girls.

Even last year, I started out the pregnancy naively thinking everything would always be okay for me, I wasn’t one of those moms who had fertility issues. And then, my world crashed at that 8 week ultrasound. I never thought it would be me. I never thought with my super fertile body that I would lose a baby. Having a miscarriage last year has put this pregnancy in a whole new perspective. One that airs of caution more, one that prays and prays before a doctor visit hoping to hear good news.

One that prays and prays to hear that heartbeat.  The heartbeat is a sign of life, a life that my babies didn’t have last year. I’ve held onto the idea that if I just heard a strong heartbeat, this baby would be okay.

Today, I finally did hear it. Strong, fast, clear. And while I don’t think hearing that sweet heart beat will ever take away my fears completely, it certainly helps ease them. I know that this one is growing and thriving within me by that thumping noise, and praying we continue to have that confirmation.

Tuesday is an ultrasound, where I’ll not only hear the heartbeat but see my little one squirm. And hopefully, melt away my fears even more :-)

12 weeks already!

This last semester of college (woo hoo!) I wanted to take a fun writing class, not just writing the typical papers (which…I need to be doing right now. Shh…).  I wanted something specifically about writing fiction or novels since that’s what I would like to do later on in life, but you know we don’t always get what we want. I ended up in Creative Writing. Sounds promising, right? Except the entire class is poetry, and no other forms. I was hesitant at first since I consider myself a writer not a poet but, it’s actually enjoyable just to be creative in general and comes easily.  I’ve gotten good feedback on the 3 I’ve done so far, so I’m going to be brave and post on here too. *deep breathe* And just a note: I am by no means an expert at this and I take a less formatted/traditional approach to poems so if you don’t like poems that don’t rhyme and don’t fit a formula, click away (ahem, my husband). I just do what feels good/right for me.

This one is the most recent and I thought was appropriate to share since we all know pregnancy and fear of miscarriage is on my mind constantly now. It has been exactly a year since the twins came to be, I wanted to capture their short life and our experience together. I imagined what it was like for them, in a way to honor their memory but also to bring myself comfort. *deep breathe*  Here we go…

My Twin and I

I was conceived out of careless love
Yet, I never doubted I was loved.
There were two of us,
My twin and I.
One stronger, holding on longer,
The other slipping away before they knew
We were two.

Either way, help my Mom know—
It’s okay.

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

Apparently God wanted to give us yet another blessing. I call it a house warming gift.

I think a new baby and nursery will look lovely in our 3rd bedroom, don’t you?

While I am so excited, I am probably more completely scared to pieces of a repeat of last year.  Like, to the point of a small panic attack when my Dr. wanted me to come in for a check up today. I couldn’t face going back to the same doctor’s office/hospital where I heard so much bad news and where I had my D&E. I could do it, and I won’t. I promptly canceled my appointment for today and switched doctors. This past month has felt eerily like almost a year ago, even being sick and taking medications not knowing I was pregnant. I just pray that this year has different results: a healthy full term baby.

So, while it is still very, extremely, early in this pregnancy game and I’m scared to even mention it, I wanted to because I know I have some prayer warriors out there, or people who at least can think some happy thoughts.  Could you keep us in thoughts and prayers? I can’t let this fear overcome the joy.

Where is that balance of being cautiously realistic and yet thinking positive thoughts of hope?

I may not be holding babies in my arms right now like I should be, but God has given us another blessing this week (what great timing He has!) that makes my heart leap with joy and possibilities.

(I wanted to put a big red bow on it but Flickr wouldn’t let me without paying, so a Santa hat will have to do)

Since we had Savannah at 19 and still in college, Mark’s parents have been amazing in letting us stay with them for the past 3 years as we finish school and get on our feet.  Now, finally, it’s time to move out. And while I’m so incredibly grateful we had this time and extra hands to help out, we’re so ready to have our own place! This is all happening a little sooner than planned (originally wanted to move after I graduate in May), but this house and the price were too perfect to pass up. We’re all so excited! Savannah is excited about getting a “princess room,” she’s already planning on having it be purple  (it was pink last week, what will it be by the time we actually paint?)

Now I need to start working on that kitchen table!  And…packing…that doesn’t sound like fun though…

I keep opening my mail box and being reminded that I’m not pregnant.

Somehow I’m on various mailing list that assumee that I’m still pregnant. I mean, I guess I can’t expect companies magically to know which people on mailing lists haven’t made it through the pregnancy, but, it’s still gives me a little kick to the gut every time I see a box of formula starring at me or a teeny-tiny newborn diaper. My first reaction is “Aw, how CUTE!” and then I move to, “Wow, I would be needing these very soon if the babies had lived” and then I move to the sadness of remembering what it was like to be 9 months pregnant with Savannah and thrilled (and so READY) to give birth.  My baby girl is about to turn three in a few short months, those memories seem so distant now and yet so close.

That would be me right now, experiencing those moments again. I would be about 37 weeks pregnant, sporting chubbier cheeks and a belly the size of a humongous watermelon. I would be organizing and reorganizing tiny onsies and blankets in a nursery. Savannah would be feeling the rolls and squirms in awe and excited for her little brother or sister (or both) to arrive.  It’s insane how quickly the time has flown by to this point, I was half hoping it never would arrive. It’s just not right to be at this point and not having the proof that there was a baby in there and should be almost here.

It makes me long for another one. I know I can never fill the place of the ones we lost, or even Kaylee, but I just know our family is not complete yet. Still, now is not the time. Especially since we are starting the process to build a house (!). And getting a house is much more needed right now to house our future growing family, no? First things first.

So, for now, I set the newborn diapers aside for a later date and I pass the formula and coupons along to people who need it.

One day, one day.

Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy.  As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness.  I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.

But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now.  Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected. 

Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.

Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.