I would say the cliche line, “it seems just like yesterday she was born…” but its simply not true. It doesn’t feel like yesterday she was born, but it does feel like she should still be toddling 1 year old like Jaxson is now. I cannot believe she is FIVE. A whole five fingers. The girl who counts to 20, pumps herself on the swing, rides a bike, draws pictures, writes her name? How is that possible? It really feels like I  blinked and suddenly she is a big girl ready to go off to kindergarten in just a few months.

She is absolutely excited up to the moon and past the stars that she is finally 5. So excited, in fact, that she woke up at 3 am to start her birthday. That’s worse than Christmas mornings folks, where we have to wake her up to start the day. Still, while we were all a little tired from a rough night and early morning, it was a fabulous day full of family, friends, and her favorite things. We started the day out with our favorite Chicfila Breakfast, played with a few of her favorite friends at the park, and later had pizza and a homemade cake with her Grandparents. And, of course, opened presents. She also was an excellent listener, because according to her, now that’s she’s 5 she will be a great listener when we ask her to do things like clean up her toys. Sweet deal!

I feel so blessed that she is in my life. While our relationship may have its struggles at times and I question my parenting skills, I know overall she’s a great girl with a caring heart.  Her birth 5 years ago was one that gave me the role of a Mom, it taught me so many things about myself, and even my perspective on birth. She’s helped shape me to be the woman and Mom I am today, its her presence that keeps me clinging to God for guidance so that I can be the best Mom and wife I can be. She’s the one helping me to become”childlike” again and find joy in simple things in my days. I’m so grateful that our relationship is one that is open enough that we teach each other things about life.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! I have a feeling 5 is going to be awesome for this girl :-)

(P.S. Sorry if some parts don’t make sense or misspellings, etc. I’m half asleep on cold medicine but felt the need to write before the day was over)

Did I mention that we officially have a walker runner? Jaxson has been taking steps since 9 months old and since then he hasn’t slowed down! Guess he wanted to keep up with his big sister, huh? He also has become quite the climber, he is into and onto everything. Boxes, chairs, tables, cabinets. He keeps us busy :-) I cannot believe his birthday is just a few weeks away! However, because he started walking early it seems like he already is a little 1 year old toddler…its like he fast forwarded through a good 3 months of baby-ness. It is definitely bittersweet to watch him grow up and learn things so quickly…

See! Can’t even stay still for pictures these days.

May 2010- 6.5 months old. His cheeks look so much better than that now :-)

Jaxson is a Momma’s Boy. I remember Savannah being a Momma’s girl to as a baby (and still is…when she isn’t calling me “evil” because I discipline her!)

Maybe it’s this baby stage. Maybe it’s the fact that I have the milk. But, he absolutely loves being close to me and especially loves being wrapped up extra close in a carrier. Before this  summer weather got super-duper hot, we would take nightly walks to the mail box and around the neighborhood with him strapped to my back. He would kick his legs and chew on the fabric to ease his ever expanding gum line (he now has SIX teeth,  half of those came in just in the past 2 weeks. Talk about some sleepless nights!). Eventually he would lay his fuzzy head down on my back and just rest as he watched the world from behind my shoulders. Nursing has a similar effect most times, I absolutely love how he finishes many of his meals with a content sigh or squeal. It makes those middle of the night feedings a little more bearable!

I used to have moments like that with Savannah as a baby, I treasured them away in my heart, too. Now they’ve transformed into our nightly ritual of prayers, scratching her back, and snuggles. It’s different than the baby bonding, but yet the same. It’s those moments that make up for her calling me evil when I tell her no to something. It’s in those moments that peace settles in after the emotional-4-year-old-storm and all is okay again. The slate is clean, just as rain washes away the dirt she’s played in off our front sidewalk.

It is moments like these I want to remember forever with my kids. The complete contentment they have just being close to me, the peace inside both of us that for a moment all is right. The silence that nothing has to be said. Just us, enjoying closeness and bonding together our parent-child souls.

I love having a momma’s boy and girl. Thank you, God for our little blessings! Some days I have to remind myself that they are blessings, especially grumpy days like today. Like I said, sweet moments wash it all away.

Jaxson turned 6 months old a week ago, I can’t believe it! How can half a year already have gone by? I’m sure the next 6 months will go by even faster as he keeps me even busier. And while I am enjoying watching him grow and learn new things practically every day…can time not slow down just a little?

He is officially mobile, doing the army crawl all around the house and starting to get into things he shouldn’t. Time to start baby proofing again! He’s a boy already…bonking his head often and doing strange things like getting his arm stuck in between the door and the door jam while scooting around (how?). Savannah was pretty good about not getting into cabinets, toilets, or getting hurt other than the typical skinned knees…but I predict Jaxson will be more of a handful!

He’s still a pretty content and happy baby and loves his big sister, she can always make him smile. Now that his 2 bottom teeth have popped though he’s more on the fussy-don’t-put-me-down side, but its not too bad.

We’re still dealing with food allergy issues, but thankfully we are a few steps closer to keeping it under control. Well…if I could stop my weakness for eating things that give him flare ups! The dermatologist helped us figure out it was dairy, eggs, and nuts and his face has cleared up a lot but not 100%. I’m wondering if there is more to it like soy or citrus but I haven’t taken them out of my diet yet…its hard enough eliminating 3 major ingredients and I’m trying to get a handle on that first.

Thankfully…there are lots of alternatives to the things I love (if I make the effort to go to the right stores). Like chocolate ice cream made with coconut milk or soy (Oh my gosh, so good!). Or pancakes with an egg replacer. Eating at home isn’t the problem, its when we eat out or traveling, its hard to avoid the allergens even if I think I’m avoiding it. But, like I said before, its worth it to keep breastfeeding!

These were taken on Easter, he’s grown a lot since last time I posted a picture at 2 months old! Both Savannah and Jaxson are getting so big and looking older :-)

Have you noticed, I haven’t posted any pictures of Jaxson since oh…January maybe?  I have a confession: I’m embarrassed. I haven’t even taken many of his 3rd and 4th month :-/

See, it started when he turned 3 months old, he got one red spot on his little chubby cheek. No big deal, I thought it was just chapped cheeks from the extreme cold weather we were having at the time.  As the weeks went by it went from the size of a dime to the size of a quarter and then spread to his left cheek.  They both grew, started to ooze and scab. They itched him and I’d wake up to his crib looking like a crime scene since he kept digging at them throughout the night. It got bad, really bad. I tried various lotions and advice from fellow mommies. It began spreading to creases in his arms and legs. I eventually took him to a doctor that thought it was a yeast rash, but that medicine did nothing.  It just kept oozing and scabbing. I took him for a second opinion and he said, “Those aren’t yeast, that’s eczema that’s gotten  infected.” And thankfully, antibiotics got it under control to where it at least wasn’t oozing. But, the redness is still there since the cause of the eczema is still unknown.

We’re now playing the guessing game called, “What is Jaxson Allergic to?!” Let me tell you, I hate this game. He has only had my milk so whatever is bothering him is in my diet most likely (I suppose it could be something environmental). I’ve taken out dairy for starters since I noticed a flare up after having a glass of milk. I’ve taken out gluten. Now I’m wondering if it’s a nut allergy since when I drink my milk I mix it with chocolate Almond milk. And since taking out dairy and gluten I have heavily increased my nut intake to substitute and he’s still getting flare ups. We’ll see if this is the winning answer.  We are seeing an Allergist this Tuesday (on the day he turns 5 months old…*sob* Where is the time going?! Slow down time!) and while I know tests can be inconclusive at this age I’m really trying to be hopeful they can give us some answers.

I just want his cute little cheeks back!  I know it’s silly of me to be embarrassed by them, but I know people look when we are out in public and they ask questions.  I think it goes back to that fear of judgement that I have, like because he has these rashes I’m not doing something right or enough to take care of him. But, I know that’s not really true. Food allergies are common and I know I’m doing a lot to make it better, from appointments to drastic changes to my diet.  I gotta learn how to let these judgement issues go, eh? I can only do the best I can do!

Can I tell you though, he has grown so much since you saw him last (even you, my personal Facebook friends). He rolls and scoots all over the place. He’s lost all his dark hair (well, except one little V in the back) and he’s growing in some cute blondish-brown fuzz (feels like a tennis ball, I love rubbing his head!). He has my eyes, but also looks a lot like Savannah as a baby. He is a  super happy, smiley baby still. Everyone comments on what a great baby he is. He has started to really giggle and laugh when we play games, it’s great :-) Savannah is still my big helper and loves to be with Jaxson. His sleep is still wonky some nights but over all much better than it was. Maybe one day soon I’ll be brave and post his cloth diapered bottom-red cheek-blue-eyed cuteness.

Do you have any food allergy or eczema advice?

Jaxson is 2 month old today. Mark and I were telling each other yesterday, how it feels like he’s been with us forever yet at the same time it feels like he just arrived, too. Funny thing that sense of time! 

We are much more settled into a routine now, especially since Savannah started school back after the holidays and I have been working on getting Jaxson on a routine with Baby Wise. Kids thrive off routine, and I do much better as a parent with a routine too so life is feeling more manageable now. Especially now that my baby blues are better, thanks to some help from placenta hormones. Never thought I would do that because I know it sounds gross, but I was desperate to feel happy again and it made a HUGE difference! I’m still up a lot during the nights with Jaxson but some nights blow me a way with a stretch of 4 or 5 hours at a time. Now, if I would just go to bed earlier I could enjoy more of that chunk of sleep! Savannah was a horrible sleeper as a baby because she was so dependent on me, and still is some nights (like last night she was up 3 times needing me to put her back to bed!) so it thrills me that Jaxson is already headed in the right direction with sleep. Of course we still have nights where I’m up every hour like last night…but I’m okay. It amazes me how this time I’m much more relaxed about not getting sleep (I guess because I already knew what it would be like?) and how I can still function on so little. Its totally worth it to wake up to his coos and blue eyes!

 Last week a friend of mine helped me get some newborn-ish pictures since I had a falling out with the photographer I had paid to do it with my maternity/newborn package. Let me just say, trying to get a 7 week old to pose is hard stuff and it took the entire day between feeding Jaxson and our other kids,  comforting him when he fussy, setting up new shots as the natural light changed, etc.  He would not stay asleep for the sleepy newborn poses (we got lucky at the very end of the day), he was very wiggly and was more stiff than a fresh newborn since he’s learned how to use his little muscles. All of this is why they say take them within the first 2 weeks. (*ahem* trying not to go into a rant here!). We did get some really good ones though, they may not be the fresh-curled-up-sleepy-newborn I had envisioned when I bought my photo package, but since he was a little bit older she captured his budding personality and cute baby smiles really well. I love them! She took the pictures with my camera and I edited these below, I have yet to see the ones she edited but I can’t wait to see since we both have different styles and ideas :-)

I really could stare at his sweet face all day long.

I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

I feel like all I talk about is pregnancy and baby stuff now, so how about a Savannah update?

The biggest thing going on in her little life right now is that she started pre-school last week! It’s actually a Mom’s Morning Out program, but shhhh, she doesn’t know that.  It’s at a nearby church so she is learning about God and typical stuff like letters and getting to play with other kids her age twice a week 9-12. She absolutely loves it and jumped right in every time we have gone for tours, open house, etc. So, it wasn’t surprising when I dropped her off on the first day last week she ran off to play with barely telling me goodbye. It was surprising that I didn’t cry though :-) And me? I’m enjoying having a few hours a week to get things done like cleaning and writing. I can’t believe how big she is getting though, that she is old enough to go to school. She is definitely a big girl now, and a big girl attitude to go with it!

Seriously, her attitude and arguing is like trying to reason with a teenager some times (we are in trouble in 10 years!). That is by far the biggest frustration right now, thankfully most days are good overall. However, there are some days I feel like we argue in circles, constantly, about everything from how much cereal I gave her to what shoes she needs to wear to the park. I try to give choices but she can be one stubborn girl, wanting exactly the one thing she doesn’t need! One day about a month ago, I had to just go upstairs and cry. Like, sit in my dark closet and cry and pray because my patience was gone and I literally did not know what else to do.  So, life isn’t perfect always in my world. It is those moments and days that I want to keep Jaxson in forever, because I don’t know how I can handle a teenager in a 3 year old body and a newborn’s demands on little sleep. But, from what I hear, you just do it and it’ll come naturally. I hope so.

When she isn’t Ms. Attitude, she is absolutely on of the sweetest girls ever (and she will tell you that too! “Mommy I’m being sweet to you today!”). She helps me when I need it (sometimes…), like putting away dishes or picking something off the floor now that it’s hard to reach. She still will snuggle me on the couch and let me rock her. She has to have me scratch her back and snuggle her every night before bed. She sings Jaxson lullabies every night, “tickles” him, and carries on a conversation with him (aka…me in a baby voice) often. I really think she will be a great big sister, she’s ready to help and so excited for her little brother’s arrival.

And now if you excuse me…I have to pick her up from her school soon :-)

Today…was a very big and fun day in so many ways.

1) I went to the giant Ikea store for the first time. Oh. my. gosh. Designer heaven. Did I ever mention I used to want to study to be an interior designer?  I wouldn’t want to be responsible for some one else’s house now, but I so enjoy decorating our house! There were so many ideas popping in my head, I almost wish I had more rooms left to decorate. Almost. And what’s even more amazing than the various products and styles is the prices. See, Mark gave me a “budget” of only $20 (go ahead and laugh, we did too) and I went $12 over. I came out with:

-3 round area rugs to make polka dots on the floor I paid $4.50 each (technically they are bath rugs, but they don’t look like it to me!)

-A taller step stool for Savannah $5.99 (Now that she is potty trained, she obviously needs to wash her hands more and it has been frustrating for her to not be able to reach with the typical stools places like Target have),

-A throw pillow that matches the new paint color for $1 (looks great in my glider!)

-Blue/fallish napkins for my baby shower $2.50

-And get this…a $5 twin duvet cover (better picture of fabric is below). FIVE DOLLARS!

Grand total: $32. Can we say score?

2) I actually spent time with other ladies my age. It’s not often I get kid-free social time. Fantastic day.

3)  Jaxson’s room is quickly starting to look like a nursery! Today we not only got paint on the walls (thanks uncle!), but the crib, bedding, etc. and added the new Ikea finds to finish it off for now.

See?

It’s a light tealish blue that matches the crib sheet. Of course, there is still much to do, mainly involving a huge project of refinishing old furniture (two dressers, a night stand, and a head/foot board). Also, I  need to figure out what and where to put things on the walls. Oh, and curtains. And…lots of washing and organizing once I have a dresser finished. Still, it’s a good start for one day, huh?

Now, who’s excited for November when there is a cute baby boy along with all the cute stuff?! That would be me…

…and why I’m up until 1am writing about it.