As I’m sure most of you realize by now that Mother’s Day is just around the corner. However, I bet most don’t realize that means Birth Mother’s Day is also looming close, the Saturday before Mother’s Day.  I’ve mentioned this briefly before, but this day was created in 1990 by a group of Birth Mother’s in Seattle to (obviously) honor women who have placed their child (children, in some cases) in an adoption.  It was created with the intention to educate others about adoption, but more importantly to honor, remember, and recognize our decision.

I know many birth mothers have struggled with this time of the year, understandably, and the issue of feeling like birth mothers are never included, recognized, or if they are included…it’s separately. They’ve struggled with being torn between the two holidays, which to celebrate? And why celebrate at all since it reminds them of pain and loss? 

I keep saying “they” because I guess I feel like I am one of the rare birth mothers that doesn’t have negative feelings toward Birth Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, or adoption in general.  Maybe it’s just the people that I’ve found blogging about it that seem to have the dominating voice, but I’m here to say it’s not like that for everyone. I’m not saying adoption is hunky-dory happy all the time (cause it’s not), just that people’s situations, outlooks, experiences are different.

I remember my first Mother’s Day after placing Kaylee, which took place nearly a year after her birth, I was nervous at how I would feel on the day. But, as usual my worries exceeded the actuality and it was a good weekend for me.  I was (and am) lucky that my family, as well as Kaylee’s, not only recognized me in my role as a Birth Mother, but also as a Mother.  I remember receiving a card from Kaylee’s family for Mother’s Day and my heart swelled and tears were brought to my eyes that her Mom would think of me on the day that it was supposed to be about her. I’m honored that my daughter has a Mom like her, one who doesn’t just think about her self and acknowledges that without me Kaylee wouldn’t be with them.

I guess part of my positive outlook is that I have had mostly positive experiences that out weigh the pain.  And, I’ve always considered myself a mother since Kaylee was born, despite that I wasn’t parenting her and even before Savannah came along. I just felt my role was different than the typical mother. My role was to carry and nurture her in my womb, give her the best family and life possible, and now I step back, watch her grow from a distance and enjoy the moments I do have with her.  That Mother-Daughter connection didn’t break when her umbilical cord was cut and I handed her over. No, it’s just different.

For me in my first year as a Mother after Kaylee’s birth, I felt privileged to have the whole weekend to celebrate, and I still do. This year, I will be really celebrating both days with the Birth Mom Buds event (where I’m speaking and leading a session!) and then our own family thing on Sunday. It’ll be a weekend full of remembrance for me, for both my daughters and in honor of both my roles.

I wear the honor proudly, both days. Always.

(I liked this article on Birth Mother’s Day, have a look for more information and another perspective to this controversial issue)

I stole this picture from my friend, Jessica, who came down for the day to celebrate Savannah’s birthday last Saturday (I hope you don’t mind, Jess!). During the party Kaylee had snuck away to play in Savannah’s room by her self, looking at books and playing with stuffed animals. We still have Savannah’s baby swing up in her room even though we haven’t used it in months, I had wanted to get it down before the party but never got around to it. But, I’m glad it stayed up because Kaylee was too cute rocking the bear to sleep, music and all. At least some one got use out of it!

Anyway, I digress. Once I found where Kaylee had disappeared to, I stayed in there keeping her company (along with some others, too), and she eventually asked me to read her some books. I said sure and she plopped down in my lap and we read. And read. And read. And Jess, bless her heart, was a good friend and took this picture. I’m sure she knew how much it’d mean to me to have for later. Thanks, Jessica!

I am so blessed to be her birth mom and to be able to have this kind of relationship with her. She may not understand the power of this yet, but it’s sure special to my heart. This is not just any love, it’s an adoption of love.

I really thought I’d have more to say tonight. I thought I’d be an emotional wreck all day, wiping tears away all day as I watched my little toddler walk around in her birthday crown. But, nope. I’m strangely okay! And honestly, I’ve been too busy to sit and think. We’ve been on the go since practically 5 am (those molars are back to haunt us!), whether with baby duties or party purchases. Groceries had to be bought, balloons blown up, decorations to hang. It’s been a busy day, and fun at that. And partly I don’t feel affected because it doesn’t “feel” like her birthday yet. Her party is tomorrow, maybe it will be more real by then. But then again, I think I’m too excited about seeing family and friends again that it may just be later that it sinks it–I have a 1 year old!

It boggles my mind that it’s been a year already. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact I used to have a tiny newborn in my arms a year ago. How can that be the same little girl I hold today? She’s grown so much, accomplished so much. As they say (whoever “they” is…), “The days are long but the years are short.” Absolutely. I don’t know how we survived the sleepless nights, sore nipples, and more sleepless nights. I don’t know how our finances survived with Mark and I both being in school and only working a few months at a time. To that I say, God is just so good, abundant and has blessed us in so many ways.

Tonight as I was rocking her my heart was just so full of joy as she laid in my arms much like she did a year ago for the first time, just looking up at me. It’s amazing to think that I could love her even more than when I first met her, but it’s true. This past year we’ve all grown in numerous ways and the love only has grown with us.

I love this little girl. Happy 1st Birthday, Savannah!

First birthday is almost here. The above time is when I was about to push. She was born at 9:22 PM. It’s not quite there yet, but we knew her arrival was close. The anticipation was exciting, but the end of a pregnancy and closeness that we’ll never experience again was also saddening. Which, is kind how I feel now. Mixed. She’ll never be a newborn again, we’ll never go through this past year again, but it’s exciting to think of what the future holds for her as she is growing.

My clock is stuck at 9:13 for the next 2 days. And then, she’ll be one.

Tagged by Live, Laugh, Blog

The details:
List 7 random things that people may not know about you. The rules are to link the person who sent this to you and leave a comment on their blog so their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Share 7 facts about yourself. Tag random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I’ve kind of done this before, with my 11 Random Things post (sorry it looks deformed, I need to go back in and reformat), but I’ll try to be creative with 7 more things.

1. I miss breastfeeding. In fact, last night I even dreamed Savannah was trying to feed again with no avail because it’s just gone. I miss it and that time we had together. We still do get that time at nap/bed but using a bottle just isn’t the same.  I meant to write a whole post about it but never got around to it and then it just seemed silly to be dwelling on it 2 months later. But here it is, I miss it. It wasn’t by choice, there just wasn’t anything left (thanks to long days of school) so she lost interest. I had hoped to go longer and if we have another child I do hope to surpass the 10 month mark. But 10 months is still pretty dang good, so I gotta give myself some credit!

2. I’m a small dork (Mark would argue that I’m a big one). I like Harry Potter books and movies.  The last book? Amazing, probably the best. I’m super thrilled about seeing the rest of the movies, but also super sad that all the Harry Potter stuff is almost over once the movies come out.

3. I am so not a sports fan. But at this moment I am wearing a Duke Blue Devil’s shirt (sorry Dad!). Why? Because I love my husband and it supports him in what he loves. He’s at the Duke game right now and I’m cheering them on in my own little non-watching way.

4. I wrote letters to Mark before I met him.  How is that possible, you ask?  After the relationship with Kaylee’s Birth Father, I didn’t date until Mark came along.  There just weren’t any godly guy opportunities that opened up, it wasn’t time for me to date, it was time for me to grow with God and as a individual. As a single Christian high school girl, I depended on Christ for everything, but still was lonely.  Many nights would come when my heart would ache for a relationship, but not just any relationship or any guy. The guy for me.  I knew he would come along at the right time. I had peace and contentment, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t hard to wait. So, to ease the aches, I would write to this unknown guy about my day, my desires for our future and to just let him know that I was thinking and praying for him.  Today I found them again and read them out loud to Mark, he hadn’t seen them before. It was a special moment to share with him, that I was thinking of him even before we met. If you are still single…I highly recommend doing this!

5. I am having a really hard time with Savannah’s birthday coming  in 5 days.  I think about it and tear up. I just can’t get over how fast the year went. I realized today that it’s a process of grieving, grieving the end of the babyhood phase. *sigh*

6. I really don’t want to be in school some times (who does?). I don’t really want to work. I just want to stay at home with Savannah and grow more babies. I want to be one of those mom’s that spends their days at home nurturing their children, baking cookies and driving them to school (because I do not want them to experience the bus! It sucks.).  In honesty, my degree is just a back up plan. But, I will continue pursuing my English degree because 1) I just need to get it done. 2) I don’t want to regret it later. 3) I want Savannah and future children to be proud I finish despite the obstacles. 4) I will be so proud of myself and gain great experiences.

7. Here’s a big one not many people know: I was sexual abused as a young child. It has scarred me and affected my choices growing up and the fears I have now.  I didn’t even begin to start dealing with it until a year or two ago, and I still have much more work to do to come to terms with it.

Tagging: SortaCrunchy, After a Cup of Coffee…or Two, and Burgh Baby!

This was me last Valentines Day. 39 weeks on the dot, wearing my pink and red cupid pj pants to celebrate the day (don’t worry, I didn’t wear them out to lunch. And for the “fake Leah” readers: I wasn’t reduced to wearing pj pants, I did have other maternity pants to wear out! But at home? Who wants to wear jeans lounging around with that big belly! I was already uncomfy enough)

One week and one day later, I gave birth to Savannah Leigh. Therefore, one week and one day from now, my daughter will be a full year and one hour old *sigh* It really is going by extremely way too fast. It seems she is learning new things by the minute. Her hair has grown out in the past week. She drinks all by herself from her sippy cup, she feeds herself. She repeats words! (Boom, purple, duck, etc.) My little newborn is long gone.

One week and one day left. It gets tougher to face as the days race by.

Adding on to the feeling of coming unglued…my daughter is officially 11 months old and 1 day. *cries*

I keep flashing back to a year ago, myself with a HUGE (and I mean painfully huge…) baby belly. The picture to the left is me a year ago, the day I turned 9 months pregnant with one month until her birth. Having just moved out of the maternity home (I don’t think I’ve written much about that…maybe I should.) and into Mark’s parent’s house by the grace of God. I spent my days washing, folding and organizing hand me down baby clothes, trying to make her little space just perfect. And then I refolded and reorganized some more. I was quiet and kept to my self, because it’s kind awkward when you first move in with your fiance’s parents. My back always hurt like crazy, so the heating pad was my best friend. I couldn’t sleep due to the massive belly, elbows nudging my tight skin from the inside, and horrible (HORRIBLE!) indigestion (and to think I want to do this all again?).

Yes, I was ready for Savannah to come.

And then I think about meeting and holding my little girl for the first time. I’d done that part before with Kaylee, but the kicker was coming home with Savannah and I was an official parent. The sleepless nights, up every 2 hours trying to master breastfeeding and contain the yellow oozing poo. It was quite the adventure that I don’t know how we survived. And my heart just sighs because I can hardly remember that little tiny baby I once held. We used to spend hours sitting in the rocking chair her feeding, me staring. So new and precious. The wild, crazy, laughing girl I see now is totally different. She is not a tiny baby anymore, she’s a little toddler. It’s hard to let go of that, but it’s a wonderful thing as well.

And thus, more reason for my heavy heart and sad days lately. My little girl is growing up way too fast.

How has it already been a year?

I just don’t understand why my daughter has decided sleep is the ultimate evil since about…oh…4 o’clock this morning (I’m wondering if teething is the culprit). 9 hours later she finally took a nap…a wimpy one hour nap. And now? Fighting a second nap. I guess by bed time she’ll be ready since it will be another 8 hours later from the first nap? *sigh* The good thing though, is that she’s in an excellent mood! No sleep without the whining is more manageable. But, geez, Mark and I are exhausted.

It’s been a long, long day. Thankfully, the day has been spent at home verses my usual 7 hours away at classes that was supposed to be today. Today was a snow day! But now it’s more like…a rain day because all the snow melted under the rain. Pooey.

I chose to drink out of my Wilmington, NC coffee mug today in attempt in trying to keep my spirits up as well as my eye lids from dropping over. Why? Well, that’s where Daddy O and I went on our honeymoon. And it reminded me of how wonderfully peaceful and beautiful it was there. The restaurant to the left is one we ate at, we even got to eat on a little balcony. Happy memories help, right? It worked for about 1 minute. If only we could go back to that simplistic time, ya know, away from everything, the baby, the school, the work, the laundry. And we could sleep all night on our king sized temperpedic mattress and take naps whenever we felt like!

Have I mentioned it’s been a long, blah day? I need a vacation.

 (by the way, I apologize for all my gloom and doom posts lately.  It’s just how life is right now!)

Can you believe it’s already 2008?! How is it possible? We didn’t do anything fun to bring in the new year. We’re old folks, even though we’re only 20. Mark played too many video games to count, and I watched TV and worked on Savannah’s birthday invites (how is it possible that it’s time for THAT?). I did make it to see the clock turn midnight, but only because it takes forever for me to fall asleep :-/ What a way to bring in the new year, huh? I don’t even remember what I did last year, something equally boring I’m sure. I was a little over 7 months pregnant then, so I’m guessing by midnight I was fast asleep.

2007 has been quite a year with many milestones and proud accomplishments. The ending of a successful, full term pregnancy. The birth of our daughter February 22nd. Mark and I conquering the sleepless night, the yellow runny blowout diapers, the teething, the chicken pox, the many joyful moments when she learned something new, finding joy even when you think you just can’t take it any more. Discovering that we are made of A LOT and can do anything we put our mind to. Sticking with breastfeeding when I wanted to quit because it hurt so much those first few weeks, treasuring those special bonding moments, and feeling accomplished having made it to 10 months (sadly, breastfeeding is now ever. She lost interest, but that’s ok, we were ready). A first Easter, first beach trip, first Halloween, first Thanksgiving and first Christmas. Not just for Savannah, but for us as a family. A year of amazement at how fast time goes and how fast she grows with it. Another year of visits with Kaylee, watching her grow into a little girl, making connections about our adoption, and watching my Savannah and Kaylee interact.

Planning a wedding and finally becoming an official family May 19th. A wonderful honeymoon (and baby break!) with my husband at the beach. Mark getting an awesome internship for the summer that has lead to more. Myself breaking out of the house and getting a part time job for the summer, deciding to go back to school at last minute, going towards an English degree and getting straight A’s! Chopping my hair off. Mark doing equally well in school, despite a job and family to take care of. Us finding a church we love and people we connect with. Furthering my writing even more, and having my own website!

In short? It’s been a year that I define as a year that has shown what we are made of. We’ve had a lot of our plate, and we’ve done it all quite well. I’m proud of this year. Let’s hope this coming year is even better!

Our new year resolutions? Personally, I really want to get closer to God again (Mark needs this goal too…). I feel like something is always holding me back though, and I’m wondering if it’s my past. So, this year I’d like to connect with a counselor/therapist to dig those things out so I can leave it behind once and for all and move forward with Christ. Mark and I really want our family to be grounded in Christ, and for Savannah to see Him within us as she grows, but whenever we try to devote ourselves more to reading the Bible/praying it keeps falling through. What’s holding us back? WHY are other things more important than Him?

I also want to work on our marriage communication. We have too many petty arguments over nothing. We don’t have serious issues going on, but we want our marriage to last. I think dealing with these little thing now will help us in the long run from thing building and building into something bigger and scarier.

And of course, the usual goal of working out. Not to lose weight, I’m the opposite and need more weight. I do need to work this post-baby belly flab though. Mark could use a little working out, too.

Here’s to another year of growth, love, and writing. Happy New Year, folks! Here is our year in pictures:

We started our Christmas early yesterday morning at 6am when my little sister came to wake us up. Savannah woke up soon after and we headed down stairs for the Christmas day fun to officially begin. I think Savannah enjoyed playing in the wrapping paper more than the actually gifts, but what can you expect from a 10 month old? She was a very happy girl throughout the day (minus a trying-to-skip-a-nap-fight in the morning), loving the attention from family, the toys and posing for the camera. Santa brought her a push toy to help encourage walking, and she loved it until she topped over when she got too excited at her new talent. That scared her a bit but hopefully she’ll get back on the horse, er, legs and try again! She has taken up to 4 steps completely by her self in the past 2 weeks, walking is not too far away.

Mark finally, finally got the Xbox360 he’s been wanting. Along with every game he could ever want, so I don’t think I will see him until next Christmas. He got me a gorgeous green amethyst ring surrounded by diamonds (looks a lot like this one but square and cost way less!) . It’s amazing. Through, I did pick it out myself over our Thanksgiving trip to Maryland. But still, it’s a wonderful gift with special memories!

Like I posted previously, my big gift this year is my own web page. My Dad helped me pick out a good host (we went with Host Gator). But, it’s turning out to be far more complicated than I ever dreamed. Stuff just isn’t working right, I don’t understand what I’m doing and just when I think I’ve figure it out, something always goes wrong. Blah. Eventually I’ll get there. I hope.

Of course, Christmas is not all about the presents. For me, it’s about spending time with family and celebrating the life of Jesus Christ. All day my heart was filled with joy and thanks for all that He’s blessed us with. We really are lucky. My heart breaks thinking about the families that can’t even afford a ham to eat, let alone Christmas presents. I hope some how God provided for them.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas. It’s been a wonderful season for us, filled with many firsts. Eventually pictures will be up, but I’m sure my husband didn’t think to pack the camera cord to upload pictures, so it will be a while!