I have a case of the, “What was I thinking?!”

You see, this past May when Mark and I were shopping for furniture and putting together our first space (consisting of just one giant room since we are living with my in-laws), we decided we needed more lighting. We thought a floor lamp would be nice, since we don’t really have the flat table space for a lamp.

So, shopping we went, and picked up this floor lamp, thinking it would serve it’s lighting purpose well, it was stylish AND the extra storage shelves to display photos was a bonus (like I said, we have limited table top space).

At the time, Savannah was probably 2 months old when we bought this. She couldn’t even roll over, in fact, she couldn’t do much at all. Therefore, you can understand how I totally did not see this coming as a first time mom.

Yes, this floor lamp is our room’s main attraction now that Savannah is mobile and free to roam where she pleases . Which is quite dangerous in it’s self, but this lamp? It’s not exactly the sturdiest piece there is. I don’t think any floor lamp is. For people without children, I’m sure it would be fine. Perhaps even with older children. But with this smart hard-headed little girl (where does she get that from? hmmm…) keeps finding her way back to it. I’ve tried blocking it with boxes and various big objects but she keeps knocking my blocking devices over or finds an angle that allows her access.

I have to admit though, it is kind of sweet to see her continuously reaching for pictures of her sister Kaylee, since that is what the bottom self is devoted to. But still, this thing could easily crash down on her and I find myself thinking, “What was I thinking in buying this?!”

Another lesson of Mommy hood.

I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I want to write for my career and to be paid for writing, it’s not going to happen until it’s the complete opposite. Meaning, it’s not going to happen until it’s not about me anymore and about making money, but it’s about God’s glory.

In the past few years as I’ve become more and more immersed in the internet, I’ve watched friends create their own sites, their own blogs with their own domain names. I’ve watched them bring in paid ads and get paid to make weekly and daily posts in a specific area in blogs. They get paid to do what they love, what I love.  Some get the opportunity to be a work-at-home-mom. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for these people but it always gets to wondering, “Well, why can’t I do that?”  So I try.  You’ll see on the left Associated Content, one of my attempts to be paid for writing. It does pay, and I can write practically whatever I want, but I definitely can’t make a living of that.  Most importantly, it’s not even what I love.  A lot of the sites advertising to pay for your writing do pay, but you write about complete crap!

This right here is what I love.  I love being able to just write what I want, to share my experiences, what I’ve learned in this short but full life of mine, to be honest and real. To just be me. Why can’t a career be built out of that?  It just doesn’t work. At least not now. Or, that’s the doubter side of me that pushes down my dreams.

I’ve often contemplated buying my own domain, it wouldn’t cost much, but it’s more than we can spare right now. I should be happy with this free blog of mine.  And, there is also the issue of I have no idea how to work the technical part of a website, there wouldn’t even be a point to own one if I didn’t know how to use it! Are there classes for that? Still, a part of me hopes to have that one day, and know how to work it.

Of course, there is the ultimate dream of writing a book and having it published one day. The problem there?  Not only is finding a publisher that doesn’t put me in debt a scary idea, but the thought of actually writing a whole book, mulling over it again and again to get it just right, and where to find the time? And, there is part of me that only wants to be published because of money, even though it probably wouldn’t make much anyway unless I end up on Oprah’s book list or something. See, that drive for money is an issue and that is what holds me back. It’s not how I want to go about these things. I know it’s not how God wants me to think about things, especially about the plans for my life.

Until then, this is me, laying those dreams down. God has His plan and I’ll continue to write for free for the glory of God, and be content (that’s the key!). I do find joy in this online space of mine. I sure do.

As a side note: It’s funny how the closer I am to Christ, the more freely topics and writing comes to me. I could easily hit”Publish” to this post and start another on a completely different topic. Oh, how I love these moments! Writing frees my soul.

Not only am I physically refreshed (thanks to our date night and Savannah slept 8 hours last night, in a row!), my soul is refreshed. We’ve been trying to do better about cutting out traveling so we can actually go to church and further more, to get involved. After 5 or 6 months of trying to go we finally went to info session that helps us to learn more about who our church leaders are, what they believe, their visions, how we can get involved, and finally how to make connections and meet people. Today was the most we have ever talked to people and interacted than we ever have in our many times at church. Normally we drop Savannah off, take our seats and quickly leave after the service because we simply had no reason to stay behind and talk. We knew no one. Today I left encouraged by the many sweet, wonderful, God filled people we met or got to know a little better. God is good.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, there are so many things I want to say and give thanks for. So many ideas and joy that fills my heart. All my life I’ve searched for a church that I truly felt apart of and that filled my ‘ideal’ church desires, that felt like “home” and this church has it all. Finally. Now we are working to make it our home, to do our part as the body of Christ.

For years, Mark has felt a calling to Youth Ministry. We’ve both felt this calling for him and our lives, I knew that I would marry a pastor one day. But, it’s a scary, terrifying thing to leave this “security” (what little there is for this young, poor college family!) and move on into unknown territory that only God knows what to expect and can prepare us for. It goes back to the “To Go or Not to Go” issue. Some how, in my heart, I see this calling connected to the calling of leaving. Not saying it will happen any time soon, but maybe someday.

Today when they were talking about their mission to plant other churches, an image flashed in my head of us working to help create a church much like the Gathering in Boone, NC. While we were at ASU, we did attend church but nothing ever ‘fit’ just right. Either the music was older and more traditional, or the preaching wasn’t quite our taste, etc. There was always something that didn’t capture us like this church does. In fact, as we consider whether to stay or go, one of the major down falls is that we would lose this church.  This is the only place we’ve ever felt at home and fully satisfies our spiritual needs/desires/tastes. I would absolutely love to see a church in Boone like the Gathering, and maybe, just maybe, we could be apart of that in some way. Maybe that is why we feel this calling. They didn’t mention reaching out that far, but still, God works outside our bounds. Again, it’s a big and scary idea. Mark and I seriously get nervous even thinking about the things God could be calling us to, but we’re learning and praying to put ourselves humbly before God, to just let Him work and for His desires to fill our hearts.

Our Paster Andrew was a huge encouragement to Mark and I today in many ways. Everyone we met today and talked more with was an encouragement in a different ways. We are so blessed to know these amazing people! This is what church is about. This is what being Christ’s body is about. For the first time in my life, I get it.

Be encouraged. I don’t know why that keeps playing over and over in my head and heart, but it is. Maybe it’s to speak to some one reading this, I do not know. Be encouraged.

We had a wonderful weekend away. Well, aside from a few typical married-couple pointless argruments and an over tired baby who wouldn’t sleep until the wrong times.  We enjoyed the mountains very much. We were lucky enough to spend the weekend in a big house high on a mountain with a beautiful bright green golf-course in our back yard that overlooked the blue mountains.  There were no need for pictures in this house, the huge windows that showed the live beauty outside was stunning. 

We watched pink sunsets and made a fire at night. We ate at the Mountain House every day we were there (the best home made cooking and breakfast all day there is in town). We watched the golfers and walked down town Boone with Savannah in the Mei Tai back carry-style (which, she loved, as did I).  We visited our beloved old campus that’s filled with memories and played frisbee in the field. Where, Savannah quickly stole the frisbee from the ground and learned to entertain us with her new talent of peek-a-boo!  We delighted in our surroundings and we didn’t want to leave.

Which, in turn has got us thinking.  Should we move back? All day yesterday, I have this heavy feeling on my heart and the thought “You’re going to graduate from ASU” kept going through my head. Usually, when I get these gut feelings, they do happen. Usually, they seem impossible, like this one, but it happens.  To me, this is God telling me something, telling me a bit of His plan that either I can trust in or turn away in disbelief.  I never said anything to Mark about this feeling, and then out of no where he says, “Ok, I’ve been thinking and I think we should research about what it would take to transfer and move back. Not saying we are going, but it’s worth looking into.”

I got excited about the thought of even thinking about moving back. I thought about the mountains we love, the beauty, the freedom we feel when we are there. The friends that support us from afar that would be close again.  The good food, the cheaper living. The college campus we love and brought us love. Just being there makes me feel closer to God simply because I treasure the beauty of the earth He created for us. It’s so much more obvious there, it’s hard to find that in the city.

So, what’s the problem, right?  Just pick up and move. It’s not that simple. In fact, it’s completely illogical.  From the “plan” Mark and I have for our lives, there is no future for us in that small town.  His major is in accounting. What job is there for him there?  What about when he graduates and his current internship offers him a full time, well paid job here in the city?  I’m now a year behind him, if not more, what am I to do when he’s graduated and gets a good job offer, do I transfer AGAIN?  What about child care? What about a decent part-time job to help us during the school year?  See, it’s just not logical.

But still, there is this feeling of being called to something greater than we are. A feeling that though it does not make sense, we should step out in faith. A feeling that God is calling us to a plan we do not know of yet. I’m learning we can’t put God in a box, He knows no bounds, He knows everything. We do not.  I’m also learning (for the millionth time) to truly lay everything at His feet and seek His desire for our live, His guidance, and not our own.  It’s funny how struggles, troubles, stresses, etc. can bring you closer. I just wish it’d stay this way! I wish I didn’t have to be retaught this lesson every few months because I don’t continue to seek God when the times are good.

So, we’ll see where this goes and I ask that you guys could pray for us as we make this huge decision for our lives.