I haven’t posted anything about our money stresses because well…anybody could read my blog and that’s not something everyone needs to know! But, I just have to share this and how faithful God is.  Let’s just say I didn’t know if I would be able to go back to school this fall, let alone pay for Savannah’s diapers.  As our funds lowered, I was getting more scared and stressed. Job opportunities for me weren’t working out, the government stimulus check was taking forever to get here, then Mark has a car accident on top of all this, etc.

Last night nearly in tears I began my search for scholarships, almost began writing some essays that never win, when I decided to check my school account just in case. And there it was: money waiting for me to accept from the government. Let’s just say between the money Mark and I will receive for school and from his job, it not only provides enough to pay for college but also for me to be able to stay at home with Savannah for the summer and through the school year (when I’m not in classes, of course).  God is so good!

Literally, I think God was waiting for me to just stop and trust when there was nothing left.  I knew He would provide, but it just took longer than I thought!  All in God’s own time.  I’m so, so thankful and grateful for His blessings on our little family.  He knew our desires, He knew our stresses, and He took the burden off and provided as He promises. Praises to God.

I’m very content with where I am right now, right where I need to be, at home with my girl.  Obviously, getting priorities straight helps out in life. Thank you, God, for always being there when I return.

—-

P.S. Mark’s Mom is fine. Swelling and bruising more by the second but she’s still in good spirits and got the good news that there were no broken bones or conclusion. She’s just got to let it heal.

Our church showed this video a few weeks ago, it struck me then, and it still does today as I listen to what she is saying. It’s a modern take on the “Woman at the Well” story from the book of John in the Bible. I’m struggling yet again with turning to God for all things. For guidance, patience, parenting advice, financial suggestions, job leadings, relationship counseling, a healer, for gentle whispers to just be still, breathe and know He is God. I feel like I post about this at least once a month now, and that frustrates me that I keep taking my heart and eyes off of Him above and back onto me. I’m selfish, it’s that simple.

I watch this video and wish I had the passion that this woman does speaking, and also like the woman in the story. I wish that I could freely take the “living water” Jesus offers and just let it be instead of accepting it, taking a sip, and then refusing. Maybe refusing isn’t the right word, more like, hesitant. It’s not that I completely disobey and do not believe in Christ. It’s not that I don’t believe in His awesome power, forgiveness, healing, etc. as I have tasted and seen His awesome works and ways. He’s always been faithful and provided for me.

But then, why can’t I keep myself focused on who He is? Am I running scared of being “known”? I know He already knows what this heart contains, my past, my sins, yet I’m scared to be vulnerable. Perhaps I’m running scared of what I know God is calling me to do (of what that is? I’m not sure, but I know it’s big some how. Even if it’s just dealing with my past, that’s big in my world). I feel like when I was pregnant at 16, scared and running the opposite direction (in circles, really) trying to escape what I knew was right. I’ve experienced acceptance of God’s will and seen God’s hand at work in my life before. I’ve seen His grace and miracles. I know what it’s like to just bask in His love, knowing life is much sweeter with Him beside me. Yet, I still run and hide at times. Why? For control, that’s why.

Maybe none of this seem relevant to this video to you, but for me, this video makes me feel a calling back. A calling that says, “to be known is to be loved and to loved is to be known” and that shouldn’t be a scary place to be. It should be a good thing. That I may just be one small girl that often feels unclean with my past stains, yet Jesus made me clean. That I may isolate myself, but He’s still with me whether I chose to acknowledge Him or not. It’s me that separates myself from Christ, not Him that turns away from me.

So here we go yet again, working on priorities. Working on my prayer relationship and spending time with God in His word. I know without Him, I cannot be the best parent, wife, student…anything without Him. (I just wish I could remember that!)

What does this video say to you?

It’s starting to be a hectic time for us in the O Home as the semester is winding down. Which means, professors wind it up even more and pile assignments, tests and papers on the double. So forgive me if I’m absent in the next few weeks without much worth-while content, but for today? This is weighing on my heart heavy, much more than my selfish world.

Live, Laugh, Blog posted this prayer request for Bring the Rain earlier today and I just had to pass it on. Angie at Bring the Rain is set to have her daughter, Audrey, via C-section today at 4pm. But, Audrey will not be able to survive out of her mother’s womb due to several health conditions. I didn’t know about Angie’s blog until today but reading over her posts have deeply moved me. She is a strong, beautiful woman that sincerly loves the Lord and trusts in His plan for their family.

Please, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine what they have been feeling as they approach this day and what they will be going through after. Please pray for peace through all this. Angie is a wonderful example of what a dedicated life to Christ is. I can just picture her standing in the rain, arms wide open soaking up the love Christ has for her, trusting that He’ll provide and protect their family through this time.

Things like this remind me of what life is really about and all the things we take for granted. Coincidently, this is exactly what we’re talking about in our church small group. Oranges become so much more valuable than rubies. I know Angie is treasuring her pregnancy and short time with her little girl more than most Mom’s ever do.

Lord, be with them. I know You are.

Edit:  Audrey Caroline was born at 4:31 this afternoon and is now in the Lord’s arms after a few hours here on earth with her family. Let’s continue to keep this family in our prayers. I cannot even imagine…

One of the greatest things about a child turning 1 year old: no more formulas or bottles. Really, I don’t know why I was so nervous about the switch from babyhood to toddlerhood because honestly? Right now? It’s so much easier and even more enjoyable! I don’t have to keep up with the constant bottle washing after naps and bed time (the kind we own have several parts to wash/put together. It’s worth it for less spit up), buy ridiculously priced formula, and it’s so nice to just put her to bed without worrying, “I need a bottle!” (for her…not me).

And it’s not that she wasn’t a great baby and I didn’t enjoy her back then, but now she’s got such a great personality that keeps us laughing all day long. She doesn’t just sit in my lap, content where ever. I love that she choses to sit in my lap and snuggle. And ya know, sleeping through the night (for the most part) is a wonderful plus compared to this time last year.

However, Savannah hasn’t taken the change quit so smoothly. The child hates cow’s milk. And as most parents know, about at the age of 1 comes the switch-a-roo from formula to cow’s milk. I’ve tried everything and she tolerated it at first when it was mostly formula in a bottle, but things quickly went down hill. I’ve tried warming it, flavoring it, mixing it with formula again. No go. But, at least it made her not want a bottle at all, so now they’re all gone and she didn’t even care.

Though, I shouldn’t be surprised she hates milk because neither Mark or I like milk either. Therefore, I don’t want to push the milk issue on her because I know I wouldn’t want to drink it. So, what about the issue of needing calcium and vitamin D (I’ve also asked the Dr. this)? Our solution: Calcium fortified OJ. We like Minute Maid’s version for kids because it has extra vitamins. Hint: I drink it as well because I need those nutrients, too.

It’s also a good thing the girl loves her some yogurt. As well as cheese (which neither Mark or I like either, so we’ll see if that passes on to her eventually, too). She can always eat yogurt, it’s her favorite. She can even recognize it and say, “Go-gurt?”

Want some?

(Clearly, we’re still working on the self feeding with a spoon thing. I don’t mind the mess, it’s too cute to watch her learn!)

I’m giving a speech tomorrow for pregnant or already parenting young mothers, so I thought this would be appropriate to share on here. I’m not sure I have many mom readers that are thinking/wanting/are in school, but hopefully it will inspire some one.

Ya know how mom’s often classify their selfs as titles such as, SAHM or WAHM meaning that they are “Stay At Home Moms” or “Work At Home Moms.”

Well, me? I’m a Smom, “Student Mom.” Yes, most of my life is a classified SAHM but there is another part of my life that takes a lot of focus: School. Things happened out of order in my life, but that doesn’t stop me from pursuing my dreams. I’ve always wanted to attend college and earn a degree. Actually, I’m thankful I had a year off from college when I became pregnant because it forced me to stop and think what direction my life was taking me. It made me realize my true passion and talent is not in Social Work (I wanted to work with pregnant girls and birth mothers in the adoption area. There really aren’t enough counselors specifically in that area!) but is in writing.

After becoming pregnant though, school certainly was not on my mind. I had to leave college to be closer to family, figure out what the heck we were going to do at 19 years old, unmarried, and about to have a baby. Working obviously became top priority, those diapers, clothes, hospital bills, etc. definitely cost a lot!

Once Savannah was born, I was thrilled to be a mom. Of course, it took some time to get adjusted to the no-sleep demands, poop expositions and feeling like a milked cow 24-7, but being a mom brought so much joy. I did go back to work part-time when she was 3 months old, but still, school and a career were not on my mind. I was set on the routine of baby all night and day, and occasionally work. I could have lived like that for the rest of my life, I loved being a mom!

Then one day it hit me though that I needed a back up plan. What if something happened to my husband, how would I support us? What about once our kids are in school and there are no more babies to tend to during the day, what will I do with my time? What about my own goals for life, isn’t it worth exploring those dreams beyond a family? And something really important to me: what will my daughter think if I just gave up simply because obstacles came along. I want her to be proud of me and all that I can accomplish.

And so, back to school I went. But don’t think I just packed up my book bag and abandoned my duties as a Mom. Not at all. I’ve made it a high priority to make time with my daughter first so I can be there to tuck her in at night, share giggles and sweet kisses. Thankfully, it’s worked out that I only go twice a week with a full day of classes, and I don’t have to work on top of school. Two days a week isn’t much of a time sacrifice. I finished my first semester back this past December and not only did I get through the classes…I made straight A’s!

So what can you do to help reach your educational goals and stay on top of things? I’ve learned many important lessons to help achieve success and make things a tad bit easier when life is pulling you in so many directions.

• As with anything in life, it takes organization. Not just the neat notebooks and pencil cases, but time organization. I’ve found that since there is often limited time to get tasks done (i.e. during naps only!), use it. Use every minute you have effectively, don’t procrastinate.

• Prioritize what’s needs to be done. There are many days I have to just ignore the 4 laundry baskets begging to be folded and put away because a paper or test is looming over my head. Remind yourself what’s important right now and that it’s ok to let some things slide!

• Know your learning style. Since study and school work time is so crunched, I’ve learned the most effective way to study. Me? I’m more of a visual person. When I read from a text book, I have to take notes and flash cards have become my best friend. I’ve also discovered I learn better using the computer. Those CD’s that come with text books or on line study guides and games? Awesome to me. So what if you’re more Auditory? I’ve heard of some people bringing a tape recorder to class so they can re-listen to the lecture at home. Try reading your notes out loud! If you’re more “hands on” then do just that. Obviously, this would vary from class to class, but try to apply the concept to an example or get an internship to help you get a real experience.

• Use any help you can get! I’ve been lucky to have my husband and his family to help take care of Savannah when needed. Some times a 2 hour nap isn’t enough to get a paper done or study for an exam, so they’ll help by giving me some extra time when they can. Support is crucial, if some one offers to help, take it! Also, financially there may be some great financial aid to help pay for your education. Check out FAFSA.

• Treasure time with your family. Yes, those projects, papers, and tests seem to weigh heavily once your knee deep in classes, but don’t forget your family. They still are the true number 1!

A balance can be found between the roles of college student and mom (and whatever else defines you). And you can succeed at it! I can’t promise it’s easy, it definitely has its struggles and stresses, but I have found that school has only enhanced my relationship with my daughter and husband. Those hours away each week gives us time to refuel and miss each other, making our time together even more treasured and enjoyable. And you know what? It just feels good to push myself and work toward something worth while. It feels good to know I’ll have a back up plan, that I have something else to be proud of, and that I’m setting a good example for my daughter as she grows up.

You can do it!

I guess I’m back from my hiatus. I’ve had people emailing asking where I’ve been and are all worried, how sweet! I’m not completely sure why the thought of writing has been unappealing lately. Just thinking of hitting the “Write” button on my WordPress screen was nauseating. I couldn’t think of what to write, what to say. I don’t even wanted to look at my blog stats, they’ve probably gone way down hill. Why this sudden lack of passion for the one thing I truly am passionate about? I have my ideas.

Perhaps it’s because life is just busy. We’ve been out of town, dealt with a death of a cat, had tests to study for, laundry to do and baths to give. But the past years I’ve been blogging, that’s never stopped me, I’ve always made time for my love of writing. I can count these as an excuse, but they’re not good ones. So what’s at the root?

I believe that my writing talent and passion comes from God. It’s a gift He gave me from my childhood but started really developing when I was pregnant with Kaylee. Which, I don’t find surprising is the same time that I truly came to know Christ. When I write I feel like it’s because He’s allowed me have those ideas, feelings, images and expressions. When I’m feeling close to Him, the writing and passion flows. When I’m distant from Him, it feels like He with-holds that gift. My mind just feels blank, empty. As does my heart.

Why do I let myself distance myself? I know that life is so much better, passionate, joyful, peaceful, and everything wonderful He created life to be when He’s in my life.

On our way to visit family for Easter, I was bored in the car and decided to pull out my Bible (which, I honestly hardly touch unless I’m a church, I’m horrible. Good thing I had left it in the car after last Sunday). I was flipping around in Old Testament because I rarely read from that section, especially the odd named ones I’d never heard of. So I come across the book of Haggai and found this in Chapter 1:

9 “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the LORD Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

(Today’s New International Version, italics added by me to emphasize what hit me the most)

It struck a heart cord. It made sense. It was like God pointing at this verse with His mightly finger and saying, “See, Leah, this is why you feel empty and your gift is dried up. I love you, but you’ve got to work on some things!” Obviously, my priorities are screwed up. Like these people back in 500 B.C., I have been working on building my own house, my own life desires, scheduling my own agenda. In short: I’m selfish (aren’t we all?). I’ve reached the point I hardly pray anymore. We didn’t attend church for nearly 6 weeks (for many good reasons, but still, it’s lacking had it’s effects!). When we came back to church we felt out of place again where we once felt at home. We didn’t “feel” like singing the songs. What’s going on with us?

I don’t know what’s holding me back inside, but I need me to release it. I need my passion back, not just for writing, but my passion for Christ. Not just for my own life, but to inspires the lives of others. This Saturday I am giving the speech to young ladies about continuing education. I cannot have the right words or the confidence this shy girl desperately needs without Him working through me.

But, at least I’m breaking the silence. It’s better not to hide in misery. So here I am, asking you to support us with prayers (and any advice?). Prayers would be wonderful right now, Mark and I are both out of place. Something is missing and for some reason we’re holding back from The One answer.

Even way back in Elementary school, I wanted to grow up to be a writer. Of course, that plan strayed a little bit through high school as I moved from teacher to interior designer to social worker. But now? I’m back to the root of me: writing.

I do want to write books some day, it’s been a dream of mine for years. I’ve always got ideas bouncing in my head, I’ve got a passion for what I write about, I just love to write. It’d be a dream to get these thoughts on paper, in the bookstore, and into the hands of a reader. To inspire others. For now, this blog is that for me and it’s thrilling!

However, a part of that writing lifestyle I dream about is speaking. How so, you ask? Think about it. A writer doesn’t just sit at a pretty little desk thinking and typing her (or his) day away. Yeah, for a while they do, but then the book is published and there are things to do to promote it. There are book signings, conferences to speak at, press conferences, etc. The problem? I’m a very behind the scenes girl, that’s why I love to write. I get my voice, stories and ideas out there but my face and nerves are left out. Speaking is one of my worst fears, it binds me in nerves. I talk too fast, I goof up. I even cry some times. It’s not a good sight.

Recently Mark and I spent a while talking about how I know this is direction God is leading me in life. I know I am meant to write and I can just see myself up on stage encouraging young women. I want to get to that point, but it’s hard to get past my fears. Mark told me how he used to be the same way in high school, but he new he wanted to be a young leader of some sort and prayed that God would give him opportunities to become more comfortable in that role. And He’s done just that! For example, this weekend at the conference he was the leader for our small group and did a wonderful job.

I guess God took this discussion between me and Mark as a “go”to start working on me. After class today a classmate approached me (knowing that I have a daughter and has continued with school) asking if I would be willing to speak to a group of pregnant high school girls encouraging them to continue their education. I said yes. For some reason, the thought doesn’t send my nerves in crazy directions, I’m calm about it. I know I can do it. It’s an excellent opportunity to work on my speaking skills. But more importantly? It’s an opportunity to help inspire these girls in places that I’ve been in twice and encourage them to move on in a better life style with an education. That is an honor.

What’s also a little coincidence? I just wrote an essay for an online magazine about this very topic, being a student mommy. So, that means I’ve already got the bases of my speech ready to go, which calms my nerves even more. God is so good!

It’s not until March 15th, but I’m already preparing and praying that He can work through me and give me the confidence I need. And of course, help prepare these girl’s hearts for our message (cause really, I know how tough it is to be a mommy AND a student along with everything else life demands). Continue preparing me, Lord.

It’s been quite an interesting 24 hours!  I’m still getting comments by the hour from the old “Leah’s” blog readers.  I’ve never had this many comments or viewers before.  The web page hits have well over doubled or tripled since all the drama began last night.

People keep saying that they would be so mad if this happened to them. And what’s strange?  I’m not.  I mean, yes I am upset (and worried) that some one has spent the last 9 months stealing pictures and posing as me…but I’m calm about it.  There isn’t a point to get into a furious rage. Yelling at the computer screen and storming around my house with a big pouty lip won’t solve a thing.  Instead, I honestly have been laughing at the absurdity of the stories she had made up about us. And, the fact that I’ve gained a whole bunch of new readers!  I’ve gotten some the of nicest comments and emails from all this, thanks!

It’s a strange, but wonderful peace that I can only point to God to be giving me right now. Because being possessive and easily frustrated is totally me, and this calmness is definitely not of me.  I just know that justice will be done in it’s time and it out of my hands. My prayers are definitely being sent out to whoever the person in, because obviously something isn’t quite “right” to do something like this.

Anyways, just wanted to say another thanks for all the support, nice comments and emails!

Once again, I am confused as to why I even bother buying toys for our daughter.

For months I would wash out Savannah’s old food packages (you know, the very convenient plastic Gerber jars?) and save them in a bag for when ever they might come in handy. Eventually the bag got full, so it was on the floor ready to be packed up to take to my step Mom who works at a school that could use them. Well, they didn’t make it that far. Savannah found them and thoroughly enjoyed shaking the bag and dumping out the contents. And since then…it’s been on of her favorite things to play with (minus the bag).

Mark will stack them in a tower and she’ll tear them down, or dump them all over her much like the crazy people on movies do when they have a lot of cash. She loves to put stuff in them or put them into something bigger. They’re also quite fun to chew on apparently. And, it’s fun to make a huge mess by swishing her hands side to side, flinging them every where. Who needs fancy-smancy blocks! We have tupperware!
Seriously, who needs toys? Which, is why I’m asking everyone not to bring/send a toy for Savannah’s very soon 1st birthday. She has plenty already, and hardly uses them.

P.S. The picture above was taken when she was a very-sick-with-bronchitis little girl, which explains the huge sleepy bags under her eyes. Poor girl. Obviously, she kept her spirits up though.

Things still aren’t what I’d like them to be sleep wise with Savannah. It’s a constant struggle. Either she’s whiny all day because she wouldn’t settle down for her much needed nap, or she’s up a bazillion times a night needing me to put her back to sleep via nursing or rocking. The mommy shift never ends, folks (neither does the laundry. God help me and my mountains of laundry).

I know, I know. She needs to learn how to fall asleep on her own, I agree. But, you try telling that to my 8 month old. I need more tactics to attack this issue (my book I ordered needs to arrive!). Tonight though, as I was rocking her to sleep, her head resting on my shoulder as she dozed off, I had joy in my heart. To be honest, lately, these many times I have had to go back in her room (again) to calm her down (again) and coerce her to sleep (again), it gets taxing. It gets frustrating. It leads to a not so happy and nice mommy.

Tonight though, as I said, I found joy. It was a moment, for a change, that I just didn’t want to let her go. It was one of those moments that made you sit back and say, “Hey, life really IS good! Look at this precious girl I have in my arms. Look at this bond we have, the love I have for her.” What really got me enjoying the moment? This won’t last forever. Enjoy it. Before long she’ll be too big and too independent to want to be held like this, and definitely won’t be nursing any longer.

My heart was swelling with pride for this sweet, sleeping girl that trusted me enough to put her to sleep. She trusts me with her life. That’s quite an honor. I sat there as I rocked and prayed that I could remember this moment and feel that joy, even at that 1 am, 3 am, 5am or whatever other time she decides to wake up that doesn’t ‘fit’ into my idea of a good night’s sleep.

I decided I’d much rather feel joy for this child of mine, and be tired, rather than be angry and tired (Granted, I have been at school all day long and have been missing her, so we’ll see how the middle of the night wakings affect me). There comes a point when we have to realize the situation isn’t going to change quite yet, so we’ve got to make the change within our selves. It’s like that song that says that sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he calms His child.

Treasure your moments, whether you have children or not, it won’t last forever!