As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

As I said yesterday, this house buying thing is a roller coaster.  However, I’ve heard of much worse situations and I’m grateful that ours has gone relatively smoothly over all.  The waiting just stinks right now.

So, while I wait, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned while on this crazy ride:

1) Find an amazing Realtor. I contacted several Realtors online before I found the one for us. The others just sent me quick little emails saying how excited they were for my decision to purchase a home and sent me a link to start house hunting. But wait, we weren’t ready to buy a house yet! At that point we were only wanting to wet our feet and prepare for a purchase months down the road. It was more about educating ourselves versus jumping into a new home asap. It felt very impersonal and like they just wanted a quick sale to up their commission (tip to Realtors, that’s not a good strategy).

Thankfully, I stumbled upon our chosen Realtor accidentally on my local Mommy board (yet another reason I love it!) when she replied to a question I posted. I truly think our Realtor was a god-send for us, we just clicked from the moment we started emailing and from the beginning she was willing to answer questions thoroughly, get to know us as a couple, and help educate us on the process before diving in. (If you live in NC/SC and need a fantastic Realtor, email me!).

How do you find an amazing Realtor?  Word of mouth. Ask your friends who they used and why they liked them.  Ask on local mommy boards, ask on citydata.com, etc. And make sure you talk with several Realtors before deciding, you’ll know when you’ve found a “match.”

2) Research. Research. Research. I cannot tell you how important it is to research the areas you are looking at to live in.  Research the schools, even if you don’t plan to have kids any time soon because of resale value. Research the crime rates and pedophiles. Research the cost of living in the area, like taxes.

We were thisclose to putting in an offer on a townhouse that was an amazing deal…until I decided to pull up the crime reports. Yikes. We instantly knew this was not the place for us and knew to rule out this entire area in the future, making it easier to pick where we wanted to focus our search on.  Research helps you zoom in your focus.  Like I said, I asked around on citydata.com and my local mommy boards, but also looked at the county/state crime records that are available online. And of course, our Realtor had some information as well.

3) Educate yourself. There is SO much to know about buying a home.  There are lots of terms related to the banking world that are important to know and understand before signing anything.  Our Realtor was amazing at helping us understand what we needed to know, and still, I learn something new everyday about this process.  We had to take this quick online course for our loan and I wish we had seen this in the beginning. It’s a great over view of options and important things to know. http://www.freddiemac.com/hrc/

4) Keep an open mind. You hear it all the time, you can’t everything you want, and first home buyers tend to think they can.  There’s got to be compromise some where, whether it’s in the location, the price, the size of the bedrooms, a gas fire place, granite counter tops, etc. Something has to give.  Setting priorities is a must. For us, location and price was at the top. We wanted great schools, safe location, and close to Mark’s commute and thankfully we found the perfect place for us that fit those basic needs.

Also, if your Realtor suggests an area or a house that you hadn’t thought about before or don’t think you’ll like, test it out anyway. In the area we chose, we never even considered it and it turned out to be our dream spot.  Keep an open mind to their suggestions, they may have something great to show you that’s outside your imagined box.

5) The Cost is More Than Your Monthly Mortgage. Our initial budget was a small one because from the start we wanted to have room for the extras in life, like traveling and going out on date nights, buying me a new car, and having another baby. But for a a brief stint, we explored what a higher budget could get it. Yes, it was appealing to add in a bonus room, a garage, and a bigger kitchen. But when we crunched the numbers? It just caused stressed.  Technically we could have afforded it and were approved even higher, but when we included the cost of utilities and HOA fees, it pushed us into an uncomfortable range. Ask lenders for Good Faith Estimates to help you decide what you are paying monthly and include utilities/all expenses on top. Also, think about what you need for a house, like a washer and dryer, furniture and blinds (even small things like curtains add up FAST). And of course, the closing cost fees. Even if you have 100% financing, there are some costs that need covered. Make sure you’re prepared for that.

6) Have Patience. In our small budget, demand of a great location, and still having enough room for our family, it could be discouraging at times to go into home after home and realizing we weren’t comfortable paying the price or just didn’t love the house.  Persistence and patience to keep trying were important. Thankfully, we were/are in a place we don’t have to move out quickly so taking our time to find our perfect home (and now, to move in!) wasn’t rushing us.

The same goes for after you’ve found your home.  It’s nerve wracking and it takes patience at times because no road to a house is completely paved smooth from what I hear.

7) It’s a Roller Coaster. It has many highs and many lows.  From trying to find your house, to waiting to hear back from the seller about your offer, to getting the financing together, to hearing the results of the inspection, to waiting for the closing.  Expect things to come up and hang on to your seat. It’s a fun ride, that’s for sure, but some times things can be intense!

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m burned out.  I started writing years ago at 16 as an escape, in a sense. To get words and feelings out, to share memories and experiences. To share them with others with the hope that they too could relate, or at least see a glimpse of what the real me is like.  After I was saw friends starting and designing their own blogs, the popularity of it, the opportunities it provided for them, I wanted in on that too.  And I did, for a while.  My little blog was booming for the past year with lots of free stuff, a small amount of income from the ads, lots of viewers to lift my spirits…until the dreaded recent Christmas silence and my viewers have dropped like flies.  I’ll be honest (again), it’s hurt.

And that in itself says a lot, that I care too much.  That my blogging has become about the popularity, recognition, status, pride, whatever. Everything that it didn’t start out to be, or should be.  In turn, I’m left feeling like I have to blog to keep viewers coming.  Writing has become like a third job to me, like I have to do it.  That’s not what it should be, folks!  This should be my creative outlet, not a dreaded chore.

The past few church services we’ve been to have spoke to me in this area, about what I cling onto. We’ve been learning the difference between false treasure and true treasure–True Treasure of Christ vs. what society considers treasure.  We’ve also talked about God leading us into “the wilderness” (aka hard times such as the economy status now) and how it’s not to kill us, but for us to truly seek Him above all, trust Him, and redirect our life though we don’t understand.

I know you’re wondering what this has to do with blogging. Well for me, the sudden and huge drop in viewers, along with my precious computer dying (that I cried over. Again, I care too much),  it feels like God saying–”Hey! You’re clinging on to that–not me!” And, He’s right.  The time I spend on the computer (writing or not), could be precious and meaningful time with God. So through the crashes, I’m asking for that redirection and relearning where priorities should lie. I truly, truly believe that God gave me the gift of writing when I became a Christian at 16.  I also believe that He gives and takes away. He has taken away this passion for now (as I’ve written about this before), which is why I think I feel burned out with it right now. My heart is not in the right place for it, his gifts are to serve and glorify Him, not myself.  It’s not about the number of views a day, the amount of my check from BlogHer Ads, how cool my website looks. My writing, my life should all point back to Him.

So, I’ve been contemplating about what to do with this blog.  I do pay for it, so it makes no sense to just keep paying without using it. But, I also don’t want to keep writing just to write and I want take the hint from God to back off. I want to write because I’m inspired to write.  I want to write with meaning, not write about shallow stuff. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to just shut down, but I am going to take another break.  Who knows how long, I’m not setting a limit like last time.  The catch is this: I’ll only write because I want to write, or feel lead to, not when I feel obligated (besides the reviews I do).

So there’s my redirection: Following God into a closer relationship with Him, where ever that may take me, and in doing so putting meaning into my writing again.  I find when I’m close with God, my writing is all the better.  He is truly something to write about as I experiences this walk.  I’ll get there. We’ll get there.

This was taken from one of our service’s notes and I wanted to share it with you guys. It’s my inspiration right now as I’m seeking True Treasure in my life. I used my digital scrapbooking skills to make it pretty and print it out to remind myself what life (and blogging) is really about.

Alright, I finally have a chance to just sit and breathe and write.  Between the crazy end-of-school semester demands, traveling, and now a sick Savannah, it’s been hectic around here. And it will only get worse.  Which, is why I’m glad I took a week off to figure out what is really important in my life right now and refocus things.

First of all, I’ve loved reading all your comments of encouragement and knowing that there are others who struggle with time management as well.  I’m glad that God used this blog to reach others and remind us all where and how we should be spending our time and talents.

Things I learned this week from staying off the computer except when needed:

1. Holy cow I can get so much more done! I was able to get the house cleaned, loads of over-due laundry done, pack for my trip, etc. I felt so much more productive and efficient.

2. Gosh, I love my little girl. Not that I needed time off to learn that, but rather I was reminded how amazing she is and to treasure it more.  We turned off the TV for most of the day, watching way less than before and playing out side if it was warm enough.  So, therefore we spent more time bonding and making goofy games and just having fun.

But sadly, that was about the extent of my effort.  I tried to go to bed earlier and spend some time reading the Bible before bed but that only lasted for a night or two.  I felt no closer to God than before, as He was just an after thought after my day was done and I hardly remembered to even pray before I went to sleep because I was just too exhausted.

Today though, I set my alarm to get up for school 15 minutes early so that I could use those few minutes for some quiet time between me and God in the mornings.  What a difference it makes to start you day with God!  I felt like I started my day on the right track and I felt much more connected with Him throughout the day.   I highly recommend sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to spend time in His word and devoting each day to His glory.

In fact, I feel motivated now to start waking up every day at 6am, even when I don’t have to, so that I can always get that time with God and start my day productively. If you know me, this is totally not me. It must be a “God thing” (as Victoria would say, which deserves a whole post devoted to our visit! Coming soon).  I am a girl who likes her sleep and likes to sleep in whenever possible, so to want to give up that precious sleep to be near God is not of me. And I’m so thankful for that.

So, that’s really my week in a nutshell. Improvements, disappointments in myself, but God is still working on me (and always will be, I suppose!).  I’m just glad to be starting some where, not matter how small the start, and taking action against the sloth my life was becoming. I want to live!

What do you do to keep your priorities in line?

We’ve been on vacation. Sort of. As much as there can be with a 16 month old around, and if you consider going to the grandparent’s house a vacation. It’s been a good couple of weeks! And really, I’ve just been preoccupied with important things like family and fun in the sun (and maybe some reading?).

So let’s back track, shall we? Saturday the 14th was Kaylee’s birthday party, which went very well. We got there a tiny bit earlier than the rest of the crowd so Kaylee and I got some sweet one-on-one time. She begged to open my gifts right away but her Mommy said no, of course. And when she did finally get to open them, she could care less about the PJ’s and book, but one day she will. Mark’s parents take the price at THE favorite gift ever: a Cinderella doll with jelly clothes. Her cake was a Strawberry Shortcake (the character) in a pink Cinderella dress. Oh, she’s funny. And of course, we ended the day with our famous kissy picture (and she loved it!).

After the party we (me and Savannah) rode home with my parents to start our get-a-way. We had many new adventures that week including a trip to the pool, a ride in a mustang convertible (top down, of course. Where she learned to say..CAR! Go bye bye!), and a visit to the kid’s interactive museum. She loved wearing the mini-Japanese Kimono in the Japan section. She drove a bus and a little car her size. She was a pirate and painted some water master pieces outside. My Stepmom and I built a house for her out of HUGE lego blocks (thanks to the help of some random kid, too). My brother and sister played a game of GIANT Connect four. We all banged on drums and other instruments. It was so, so, so fun and we all had a blast.

And then, my wonderful husband showed up at our door with roses in his hand Thursday night to surprise us! I was expecting to not see him until Sunday, when he would meet with my parents some where half way the distance. Boy, he had me surprised! He worked his booty off at work so that he could make up the hours he was going to take off for Friday. What a sweet, sweet man I have :-) And it’s nice to know my presence is missed when I’m not around.

And now? We’re all back home together. I came home to a clean house thanks to my husband and he created me my own little reading nook in his game room so that we could enjoy the room together. Ya know, do separate things but still be together? It works for us. I’ve also been super productive and my laundry is NOT in unmanagable piles, or all over the floor. I’ve made my bed every day, showered and brushed my teeth at appropriate times (rather than be stinky all morning until nap time to do it). I’ve maintained our clean house and made dinner several nights. Oh…and I’ve been walking a mile every morning. Whoa! I feel really good all around.

Get-a-ways are refreshing and I feel like I’ve come home to a new start. I like my new routine, it makes me feel like how a mom should feel–active, productive, completely in love with my kid and my husband, and on top on things. Of course, I am still human so I’m sure I’ll have my share of one of those days soon enough. Don’t feel bad, Moms, today I’ve got everything under control but who knows what tomorrow will bring? That’s life. We have good and bad days.

Today? Is good.

(Now if only I could motivate my self to start spending time with God again….hmmm…)

I mentioned earlier that I’ve read 3 books so far and I had to share what I’ve learned. It’s amazes how stories help reveal things in your own life.

The best so far was “A Time to Dance” by Karen Kingsbury (Any book by her you can’t go wrong, she’s amazing). It’s about a married couple on the brink of divorce and how God brought them back together when they thought it was too late. I have to admit, at times it made me angry to read and watch how silly they were being. Not speaking to each other or when they did it was rudely, or didn’t listen to what the other was trying to say, one character was practically cheating on the other, ignoring God, etc. And yet they both obviously still loved one another. It made me realize that often that is me (not cheating or anything serious!). Whether it’s being too busy sitting here blogging or reading other’s blogs to spend time with Mark some nights, or saying something without thinking, it can put a wedge between us that eventually could build up to be worse if not addressed. Thankfully, Mark is pretty good about being honest and up front about issues like that. It made me see how truly painful divorce can be and that I never, ever want to experience that first hand. It’s made me very thankful for the man I married and work harder to be the best wife I can be.

It also reflected my relationship with God at times (more often that I’d like), where clearly He knows the right path for my life and yet I keep ignoring Him and His commands. As I was reading it was like seeing life through God’s eyes almost…knowing what could be if they would just accept it and not letting pride get in the way. I also felt like God does sometimes when looking down at his people making the wrong choices. Angry, sad, and hurt. Thankfully, they did accept God’s truth and ways in the end and things turned out with lessons learned and blessings just as God promises for our lives.

I’m looking forward to reading the sequel, “A Time to Embrace” as soon as it arrives at my library.

I haven’t posted anything about our money stresses because well…anybody could read my blog and that’s not something everyone needs to know! But, I just have to share this and how faithful God is.  Let’s just say I didn’t know if I would be able to go back to school this fall, let alone pay for Savannah’s diapers.  As our funds lowered, I was getting more scared and stressed. Job opportunities for me weren’t working out, the government stimulus check was taking forever to get here, then Mark has a car accident on top of all this, etc.

Last night nearly in tears I began my search for scholarships, almost began writing some essays that never win, when I decided to check my school account just in case. And there it was: money waiting for me to accept from the government. Let’s just say between the money Mark and I will receive for school and from his job, it not only provides enough to pay for college but also for me to be able to stay at home with Savannah for the summer and through the school year (when I’m not in classes, of course).  God is so good!

Literally, I think God was waiting for me to just stop and trust when there was nothing left.  I knew He would provide, but it just took longer than I thought!  All in God’s own time.  I’m so, so thankful and grateful for His blessings on our little family.  He knew our desires, He knew our stresses, and He took the burden off and provided as He promises. Praises to God.

I’m very content with where I am right now, right where I need to be, at home with my girl.  Obviously, getting priorities straight helps out in life. Thank you, God, for always being there when I return.

—-

P.S. Mark’s Mom is fine. Swelling and bruising more by the second but she’s still in good spirits and got the good news that there were no broken bones or conclusion. She’s just got to let it heal.

Our church showed this video a few weeks ago, it struck me then, and it still does today as I listen to what she is saying. It’s a modern take on the “Woman at the Well” story from the book of John in the Bible. I’m struggling yet again with turning to God for all things. For guidance, patience, parenting advice, financial suggestions, job leadings, relationship counseling, a healer, for gentle whispers to just be still, breathe and know He is God. I feel like I post about this at least once a month now, and that frustrates me that I keep taking my heart and eyes off of Him above and back onto me. I’m selfish, it’s that simple.

I watch this video and wish I had the passion that this woman does speaking, and also like the woman in the story. I wish that I could freely take the “living water” Jesus offers and just let it be instead of accepting it, taking a sip, and then refusing. Maybe refusing isn’t the right word, more like, hesitant. It’s not that I completely disobey and do not believe in Christ. It’s not that I don’t believe in His awesome power, forgiveness, healing, etc. as I have tasted and seen His awesome works and ways. He’s always been faithful and provided for me.

But then, why can’t I keep myself focused on who He is? Am I running scared of being “known”? I know He already knows what this heart contains, my past, my sins, yet I’m scared to be vulnerable. Perhaps I’m running scared of what I know God is calling me to do (of what that is? I’m not sure, but I know it’s big some how. Even if it’s just dealing with my past, that’s big in my world). I feel like when I was pregnant at 16, scared and running the opposite direction (in circles, really) trying to escape what I knew was right. I’ve experienced acceptance of God’s will and seen God’s hand at work in my life before. I’ve seen His grace and miracles. I know what it’s like to just bask in His love, knowing life is much sweeter with Him beside me. Yet, I still run and hide at times. Why? For control, that’s why.

Maybe none of this seem relevant to this video to you, but for me, this video makes me feel a calling back. A calling that says, “to be known is to be loved and to loved is to be known” and that shouldn’t be a scary place to be. It should be a good thing. That I may just be one small girl that often feels unclean with my past stains, yet Jesus made me clean. That I may isolate myself, but He’s still with me whether I chose to acknowledge Him or not. It’s me that separates myself from Christ, not Him that turns away from me.

So here we go yet again, working on priorities. Working on my prayer relationship and spending time with God in His word. I know without Him, I cannot be the best parent, wife, student…anything without Him. (I just wish I could remember that!)

What does this video say to you?

It’s starting to be a hectic time for us in the O Home as the semester is winding down. Which means, professors wind it up even more and pile assignments, tests and papers on the double. So forgive me if I’m absent in the next few weeks without much worth-while content, but for today? This is weighing on my heart heavy, much more than my selfish world.

Live, Laugh, Blog posted this prayer request for Bring the Rain earlier today and I just had to pass it on. Angie at Bring the Rain is set to have her daughter, Audrey, via C-section today at 4pm. But, Audrey will not be able to survive out of her mother’s womb due to several health conditions. I didn’t know about Angie’s blog until today but reading over her posts have deeply moved me. She is a strong, beautiful woman that sincerly loves the Lord and trusts in His plan for their family.

Please, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine what they have been feeling as they approach this day and what they will be going through after. Please pray for peace through all this. Angie is a wonderful example of what a dedicated life to Christ is. I can just picture her standing in the rain, arms wide open soaking up the love Christ has for her, trusting that He’ll provide and protect their family through this time.

Things like this remind me of what life is really about and all the things we take for granted. Coincidently, this is exactly what we’re talking about in our church small group. Oranges become so much more valuable than rubies. I know Angie is treasuring her pregnancy and short time with her little girl more than most Mom’s ever do.

Lord, be with them. I know You are.

Edit:  Audrey Caroline was born at 4:31 this afternoon and is now in the Lord’s arms after a few hours here on earth with her family. Let’s continue to keep this family in our prayers. I cannot even imagine…