Every since last Thursday when I was on the radio, it has renewed my passion. I have many passions in life, but particularly, my passion for writing and sharing our adoption story. I strongly feel that coming up on 6 years ago when I became pregnant and made the choice of adoption with God’s leading the way, that in turn He gave me the gift of writing.  In fact, I started blogging when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It was not much of a blog/journal, it was filled with exclamation points that had no reason to be there, a ton of “LOL’s”, lots of complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and in general just youthful in content and grammar (I was 16, after all).  However, after Kaylee’s birth I obviously dealt with a lot of emotions and God revealed Himself to me more, and so my writing became more seasoned and meaningful.  By the time Kaylee had turned one, I knew in the dept of my soul that God wanted me to use our story and use my writing to proclaim who God truly is and show that adoption can be such a blessing.

I wrote my story out in many places, mostly online but also academically and many of my papers were chosen to share with students. Seriously, just every research paper I’ve done in college has related back to adoption in some way.  One amazingly inspirational English teacher I had at Appalachian State  commented on one of my papers, “Content is always the most important and yours is always so compelling when you write on this subject!  You really should consider writing about your experiences for publication!” (Between his encouragement and my Dad’s, that is why I became an English major).

People have told me I should write a book for years, and trust me, I want to.  I have plans in my head but it’s scary to commit the time when I have no idea where to begin, or who to take my writing to.  I need a magic formula, do you  have one? But, the comment last week from the radio host confirmed to me again that I need to do this. Not just to sell books, not just to get my name out there, not for my glory but for God’s. And also to preserve my feelings and thoughts in paper, in hopes that it encourages others and one day it will give Kaylee a deeper understanding of my time with her and how much I love her.

I don’t know when I’ll start writing, I mean really writing. I always assumed I would wait until I graduated because then I would have more free time, right?  I’ve learned that with Motherhood there is no such thing as free time, whether you are in school or work or stay at home.  So I need to stop making excuses and let God lead the way, eh?

Seriously though, if you have a magic writing formula to follow or just a good resource about how to go about this, please do share!

So, this morning I was listening to our local Christian radio on my way to school and the radio host asked callers to talk about what they survived.  Some were big touching stories like surviving a house fire, beating breast cancer, etc., others were smaller that and caused chuckles. But, I immediately thought about my adoption experience. I survived it. I survived when my heart couldn’t even think of placing Kaylee but I knew God was calling me to a road less taken, I survived when I signed those papers, I survived when I rode away from the hospital without a baby in the back seat, I survived when I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing while holding my puppies. I survived.

I had this pressing feeling I needed to call. Now, if you know me in person, I am not a social person. I don’t raise my hand in class to speak typically, I don’t like attention on myself, I’m very quiet and reserved so for me to call a radio station for thousands to hear my voice had to mean something, right?  I tried calling a few times and it was busy and almost gave up, thinking “Oh well, I tried!” But I tried one more time just before reaching school and got through! The hosts told me wait 2 minutes while they played a song and then I was on. It was a very brief 1-2 minute talk but I did it! (Seriously, this is huge in my quiet world).

I said something like, “I survived placing my daughter in an open adoption when I was 16 years old.” and they discussed how brave I am and asked how often I see her, etc. I talked about how it was a decision that God lead me to and turned into a wonderful experience, she has great parents, how the adoption experience lead me back to God, etc. And the male host said, “well you just need to write up a book and share your story!” and I said, “Well writing is definietly something that God has placed on my heart and I plan to do that some day but I do have a blog now that I write about how hard adoption can be but also what a blessing it is too” (Which, was totally a confirmation and reminder to me that YES I need to start this book process and stop making excuses about time. I really feel like that’s what God has in store for me at some point in life). And the female host requested that I send her an email with the link because she wanted to read it.  She then asked what would I say to a girl that found herself in this situation, which threw me off guard, so I said something about pray about it and seek support.  

 I kept praying that God would use whatever I said to encourage some one out there, I prayed that if I was meant to get through I would, and I did. I don’t know what will become of it, or if I’ll ever know, but I really felt like it happened for a reason.

When I got to school I emailed the radio my blog link and then emailed Kaylee’s parents telling her about me bragging at how amazing they are and thanked them for allowing me to be in Kaylee’s life. 

Anyways, that’s my exciting news for the day :-D ME. On the radio!

Just so you know, since the 16 and Pregnant adoption episode aired last night, the full episode is now available online at MTV.  If you haven’t watched it yet, go check it out (it’s about 40 minutes) before you read my post, my blog will still be here when you’re done! And as a warning, you will need tissues.

Ok so, I watched it during Savannah’s nap time today and I have to say, I’m impressed. This has to be the first time in a while that I’ve seen adoption pretty darn realistic in that it shows the good and bad, the joys and pains, and expresses the truth of what adoption is about…love.  Of course, there are “bad” people out there that can create bad experiences and I can’t deny that it doesn’t happen in adoption, but in general this story reveals what it’s like for a birthmother who obviously cares for her child beyond words, has peace with her decision, with an adoptive couple completely open and loving in return.

Honestly, watching this episode was a lot like watching my own story on screen (they even all have heart pendents like we do to display how they are “linked for life”!).  It brought back so many memories of just 5 years ago, the closeness I felt with Kaylee and getting to know her family, the anguish of making that decision and not knowing what to expect emotionally with her delivery and afterward.  However unlike Catelynn, I had oodles of support for my decision and my heart breaks for her and Tyler in that even their own parents couldn’t see how mature they are for making the choice to give their daughter a better life than what they have.

And oh my goodness, how refreshing to see a birth father so involved! Tyler showed so much strength and maturity and clearly loves both Catelynn and their daughter.  Many times the dad’s disappear, even with parenting teens, and it was awesome to see that birth fathers (can) feel that same connection and love as well (Did you hear that sweet letter he wrote his daughter?! What a treasure that will be to her one day). It wasn’t the typical situation of “well give the baby up and let me live my life!” that I and so many other pregnant teens experienced.

If you remember, I had high expectations for this show. I wanted it to fight the stereotypes and it did. While it is sad that their family wasn’t supportive, it displayed the typical negative attitude and comments that people approach adoption with.  Sadly, Tyler’s own father told him that he wasn’t “manning it up” to the responsibility of being a dad by placing his daughter with another family for a better life but Tyler fought back though saying that his kid does deserve better than this life that they have. It’s impressive the passion and caring that he has, obviously it was worth fighting to give his daughter better.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard “I couldn’t ever do that” or “How can you carry a baby nine months and then just give it away?” when talking about adoption and once again it came up on this show.  Catelynn battled those comments as well and helped provide a true look at why people chose adoption, especially when she met with the adoptive parents and she explained why she made her choice.  Point blank: She wanted better for her daughter’s life. I love, love, love when she says, “I want her to know that I’m still there, that I didn’t just not care about her…I want her to have better than what I had and I’m doing what I think is the best” Bam. Proof right there that birthmothers do love and care about their children. The choice is out of love, not one that is selfish or not “manning up.”

I think for once, MTV did an awesome job portraying an adoption story and I pray that this show helps all who watch it to see the love inside this couple and every birth parent out there. That adoption is far from the easy way out. I have so much respect for Catelynn and Tyler and how they approached this. But then, I remembered that that was me a few years ago…and I’m proud.

What did you think?

While I am still at peace and know there is nothing I could have done about my miscarriage, I’m seeing pregnant people everywhere or stumbling across their blogs where they describe pregnancy stuff…and it stabs me in the heart.

While at Best Buy on Friday I was watching Mark and Brother-In-Law play Rock Band when a pregnant woman, probably 5-6 months, was looking at products near by and I had to walk away to keep from crying in the store. It hurts, yall.  It hurts to be reminded that right now I would be near or in my 4th month, about to find out the gender of my baby.  Summer was supposed to be about a cute little belly in a bathing suit, feeling the tiny flutters for the first time, and finally getting that long awaited ultrasound appointment to know whether we would have a boy or girl.

It doesn’t affect me all the time because for the most part I am doing really well and know that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the emotions do hit at weird times.  I can see a pregnant lady at church and not be affected, but the next day I may be. The feelings of a miscarriage totally remind me adoption feelings. The emptiness at times. The sadness that the dreams you had won’t be lived out with you, but some where else, whether with new parents or in Heaven. And yet similarly, the grief cycle has been the same as well but at an accelerated rate either because my pregnancy was much shorter this time or because I’ve been through grief a million times before and know what to do: turn to God.

I am closer to God than ever right now and I’m thankful. My feet are on solid ground, but sometimes God just has to hold me up a little more.  And as I say a prayer for my babies to hear, to know they will always be in my heart, I’m reminded they are well taken care of (as is Kaylee) and one day…I will get to hold them and know who they are forever.

Like I said before, this past weekend was the first time in 2-3 years that I’ve had a sleep over visit with Kaylee’s family. As expected, it was a complete blast and a wonderful visit.  Savannah was so excited to see Kaylee, she talked about it for 2 weeks ahead of time. So, when we finally arrived to Kaylee’s graduation, I thought she would jump over the church pews to go see her.  Besides Savannah’s excitement, she did very well during the graduation ceremony and Kaylee was adorable in her little cap and gown!  And?  Who knew 4 year olds could learn every single book in the Bible by heart.  The Old Testament alone is 66 books and they spit them out like it was the ABCs! Amazing.

After graduation and dinner, Kaylee and Savannah played and played together for hours. It is so neat to see them now that they are both older and interact more.  Dress up is clearly a favorite of both girls and I helped them change a million times, especially for a trip to the “beach” where they both wore pink princess dresses and had rolling book bags and suitcases for their travels (and Savannah had an umbrella because it was apparently raining). It was adorable! I wish I had a picture.  However, you know how sleep overs go and there is little sleep involved. Who knew a 5 year old and 2 year old already know sleep over rules? After lots of frustration and some mean Mommy voice, I finally took Savannah to a dark quiet room where she immediately passed out on me around 10:30pm.  At 11pm Kaylee came in to sleep with us, and then the day started all over again at the lovely hour of 6:40am because Savannah was hungry.  I was exhausted, but watching those together two totally makes up for it.

Saturday was Kaylee’s birthday “get together,” where my Dad and family came to visit and pick up Savannah to babysit for the next two weeks. Let me tell you, it’s hard to watch your child drive away with some one else knowing you won’t see them for days! It was almost like telling Kaylee goodbye after her birth all over again. However, I have to say it was nice to just relax with Savannah gone and I was able to get some time to myself and one on one time with Kaylee and her parents.  Now that I’m home, it is VERY weird to be here in this quiet house with out her sweet voice. I’m constantly having to remind myself she isn’t here and not needing to do this or that (my brain is scheduled around hers!). It’s also so very nice to get things done! But, we sure do miss her.

Anyways, it was a great visit and I’m loving watching these two girls grow up and bond together. Kaylee even called Savannah her “Sissy” some times, I love how open our relationship is. Here are the silly girls in action, they already know how to do the silly girl photo poses as well. They grow so fast!

I’ve been meaning to write, really I have. I’m still alive. Between going back to school, Savannah, packing for our trip, and in general trying not to over do it,” the blog has taken a back seat. But, I can’t lie that this past week has been not easy.  Though I was strong in my faith and had peace before, the emotions and hormones started to crash last Sunday.  That day I also physically started to feel worse and I cry when I don’t feel good, too so it was a double whamy!  But, I had wonderful family to take care of me and a husband who held me as a cried and I have just been taking one day at a time.

Also, yesterday Kaylee turned Five!  (Totally meant to have a Kaylee devoted post…) It boogles my mind that she’s five. Five is a big number for a kid. It’s a whole hand to count with. How is she big enough for that and going off to kindergarten in just a few months? How am I old enough to have a 5 year old? I will say though, it is so neat to watch her grow up, that she can talk on the phone with me now and tell me things she likes and about her day.  Yesterday I called her for her birthday and we chatted for a minute but then she asked to talk with Savannah. So they had a short chat as well about who knows what, but they were both so excited and it was adorable. I think that’s what I most look forward to is seeing how they grow together.  Every day I tell Savannah how many days it is until we see Kaylee and she always says, “YIPPEE!!!”

Her Mom told me that Kaylee wanted to wait to go to Build-a-Bear to go with “Miss Leah” instead of on her birthday.  Melt my heart. I like that’s she old enough to choose to want to be with me and love me/us :-)

Alright, time to pack up for our visit!

It’s June 1st.

Kaylee turns FIVE in 11 days.

How is that possible?  This is about the time things get harder for me emotionally as I remember and relive my last days being pregnant with her, her birth, and moving on.  So far I’m ok, probably because life keeps me now and, well, it gets easier each year.

But I can tell you this: I am super excited about our up coming visit. It seems the past 2 years we have narrowed our visits down to 2-3 (Christmas and Birthdays), simply because we are all so busy as our children get older. So, that means I haven’t seen Kaylee is 6 months.  And, it’s also been well before Savannah was born since we’ve had a sleep over visit. Kaylee’s first 2 years I would stay weekends or several days with them, some times even babysitting while they went to work.  It was awesome to be included in their house hold, get to take care of Kaylee and her brother, but also getting to know her parents more with late night chats after the kids were in bed.  I’ve missed them since it stopped happening about 3 years ago due to them moving away, Savannah being born, me growing up and getting married, etc.  We’ve been having short 2 hour visits the past 3 years filled with lots of other family and so I’ve also missed that one on one time we used to have.  Finally, I asked for what I wanted now that summer has let life wind down a little bit and we’ll get that time together near her birthday!

And what’s even cooler? Savannah is coming with me. So Kaylee, her brother, and Savannah will have lots of time to bond and play.  We talk about Kaylee all the time in our home so Savannah is looking forward to this almost as much as I am.

But still. How in the world is possible that Kaylee will be five? Time sure doesn’t stop.

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.

This has been the longest week EVER.  2 more days until we know what’s going on in this womb of mine. I’m still feeling good physically (aside from nausea) and I’m hopeful for good things.  I’m choosing to be happy this weekend, for if I do find out bad news Monday, I will have enjoyed my last days before reality hits.

But until I know what’s going on, it’s made me so thankful for Savannah. I swear, it’s like she knows her momma needs support and lots of laughs because she has been pretty amazing this last week.  I’m loving this age!  She knows how to make us laugh with her silly faces and games. She’s got this new game where she talks to things, like our fingers or stuff animals or anything she wants.  But, my favorite thing she does is how she gets three stuff animals, three bottles, three anything and they suddenly are mommy, daddy, and baby. It’s adorable to watch her use her imagination now and we all have a role in it.

Happy Birthmother’s Day to my fellow birthmothers! And Happy Mother’s Day to my fellow Mommies (and birthmommies) tomorrow.  Like I said last year, I love having two days to celebrate my roles.

1. We’re officially on spring break, and it kicked off to a fantastic start with Mark waking up with flu-like symptoms.  So we’ve had days of doctor visits, medicine dosage and waiting on him (yet also trying to avoid him).  Now, we think he has strep-throat but he is doing much better since he first came down with it. And Savannah and I are still holding up (*knock on wood*)

2. Tomorrow we leave for Tennessee to stay in a seriously AMAZING cabin with one of my best friends and her husband.  I’ll show you pictures when we get back, because the view? Is to die for.  I’ll be quite content to just stay inside and stare at it all day.  Or play pool or air hockey. Hopefully it will be as relaxing as we are hoping for since Savannah is tagging along with us. And last time she went on a trip? It was miserable and we got no sleep. Praying for the best.

3. Speaking of my best friend, she could use some prayers right now. I won’t say specifically why, but she needs some extra thoughts right now!

4. On a random health note: I started taking fish oil supplements and they have done wonders for my skin! It’s much more moisturized and smooth, the reddness has gone down, the big nasty puss filled zits have gone away.  And better yet, people are noticing the difference!  Plus, they’re just good for you all around from your brain to joints, unlike the antibiotics I considered taking that would do more harm than good. It’s only been about a week since I started, so I can’t imagine what a month will do in helping even things out. Hurrah!

5.  On a Savannah note: She’s only been to time out once since I posted about the discipline issue.  The last time, I sat in a chair WITH her during time out and having her calm down so we could talk about what happened (I read this in Girlfriends Guide to Toddlers).  It apparently threw her off so much that she doesn’t want to do that again. haha.  Or maybe we’re just hitting one of those short-lived “my child is an angel” phase. Cause right now? She’s amazing all around.

6.  It has been absolutely gorgeous here! This weekend was in the 70′s and clear blue skies. Savannah loves being outside, she asks constantly. She just loves to run and run in circles and explore the plants and rocks.  Oh, to be young.

7. Giveaway update: There is still lots of time left to enter from a free pair of eye glasses. Only ONE person has entered, come on now!