This morning I had the privilege of sitting down and chatting with author Caroline B. Cooney (maybe you remember The Face on the Milk Carton?). Who knew that when I moved here a year and half ago, I would join an online mommy forum, meet a friend, and her mom would be a well known published author?  Not only that, but an author who’s writing I would devour in middle school, staying up well past my 11 year old bed time and reading until my eyes wouldn’t let me anymore. God knew and I’m certain He paved the way!  I’m sure He will continue to go before me as this novel on my heart becomes a reality. This task feels overwhelming at times, but I have to trust He will guide me because I’m absolutely positive He has a plan and purpose.

Coincidentally, that’s the number one thing I got out of our meeting today: how to not make it feel overwhelming. I often feel the urge to write, and then I sit down to type and words don’t come.  My thoughts get muddied with the big picture and I begin questioning my own ability at putting it all together (and God’s ability, too). But, she helped me realize  it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time I get the words out. It doesn’t even have to be written in order. Just write. She advised me that I write one paragraph/scene a day and throw myself into it with as much detail as I can. One paragraph? That sounds so much more manageable! After all, with 2 kids, managing a household, playdates, among other writing projects, its hard to find time for myself to work on this but I’m certain that I have a few minutes during naps or late nights to focus on just one scene as it comes to mind. She’s been writing for many years, with 3 now-grown kids of her own so she knows how hard it can be to find time and balance those roles. Its good to know that being an author with young children can work without pushing the kids to the wayside. Sure it might take longer, but it can be done.

She also threw me for a loop, making a suggestion to write the story as a completely separate fiction story and only some parts of the  adoption experience be drawn from my own life. Its totally different than the approach I was planning in taking, but that’s what the writing process is all about….revising ideas, perspectives, and words. It would still have the overall open adoption and godly message, but with a girl of a slightly different age, different home situation, different location, different appearance, etc. The idea is that I have more freedom since I wouldn’t be tied down to reality. I would be able to add more tension and subplots to keep readers interested in reading, yet still share the message that I feel needs to be shared.

I’m still sitting and praying on that idea of writing a whole different story because I feel strongly that God wants me to tell our story. But in a way, it feels freeing because part of what felt overwhelming before is knowing that as I write our story out I was going to have to dive into personal situations and personify important people in my life, like my parents or her birthfather. In reality this was a painful time for all of us, and while tension and not-so-easy times needs to be in the story, it doesn’t have to be exactly our story to still portray the message I’d like the world to receive.  I also don’t want important people in my life to feel hurt by how I portrayed them. So, these wouldn’t be my parents, they would be this fictional girl’s parents. They would be completely different people. This way, I can also dive into other perspectives, like the girl’s parents views or adoptive parents and not feel like I’ll be stepping on any toes. I feel like maybe this story could be more complete in a way just writing my story couldn’t be as a fiction. Like I said, I’m still mulling all this over and praying about it, I’m feeling very mixed. Its different, but ultimately, I know God will guide me to how its supposed to be.

What do yall think of that? I know many of you were looking forward to reading even more details of our adoption story, what do you think of this new perspective? 

(I wrote this post weeks ago…and got distracted by kids…oops!)

Our day with Kaylee was wonderful, Savannah dubbed it “The best day ever!” (She’s really into things being “the best” right now, its cute). As Kaylee has gotten older, I feel like I know her less and less and we don’t get the time we used to during visits for a variety of reasons. One reason being that she and Savannah run off to play and I enjoy staying behind to talk with her parents (who tell great stories about Kaylee moments!). But, this time I made it an effort to follow the girls and be apart of their group for a least a few minutes. It was nice to have some time with all 3 kids together, both loving on Jaxson with smooches and hugs.

We took silly pictures together and laughed. She brought up adoption and explained to me why I placed her (whoa!), which honestly hearing it made me feel like a crappy person. “You didn’t have a job…you didn’t have any money…you were young…and you couldn’t take care of me…” Yes, all that was true and I know I placed her out of love but oh, the guilt when it comes out of my own daughter’s mouth! I am glad though that her parents always have talked about our adoption, its not a foreign concept to her and I’m so glad she is growing up knowing who I am, why I made my choice, and ultimately that it was out of love. Still, its hard to accept that I wasn’t “good enough” at that point in life to be her mom and she knows that.

Anyways, the rest of the day was a typical birthday with people to visit with, gifts, and cake (that I couldn’t eat thanks to Jaxson’s allergies but it look oh-so-good!). As I suspected, she loved the picture of her and Savannah I framed for her in a hot pink. And a unexpected “gift” from her, when she and Savannah were coloring together, she made me a picture that said “I love you.” Good to know the feeling is mutual :-)

It amazes me how with God, I can look into the face of past sadness and pain and feel…joy. Today, I feel nothing but joy as I reminisce about bringing this girl into the world 7 years ago and a new chapter in life beginning. I remember the happy tears of mine when I saw her face for the first time after birth and the knowing peace in my heart that she was not meant to be “mine.” Getting to witness her parents holding her for the first time was priceless, an image I will always treasure as long as I have memories.

No, today is not a sad day for me (I tend to feel all the sad emotions before hand!), its one of thankfulness. Thankful that God used wrong choices for good. Thankful that I am able to watch her grow up and make memories together. Thankful for all that God has done through her by simply being alive.

Happy 7th Birthday, Kaylee Ann

7 years ago I was hanging out with Kaylee’s family, along with my own family, anxiously awaiting the early morning hours to head to the hospital to be induced. And while what lay before me the next few days (years) could be hard at times, it was (and is) full of joy and peace.

And now, we get to have beautiful moments like this:

This picture, taken at Savannah’s 4th birthday party way back in February (Which, I totally meant to blog about…oops!) is absolutely my favorite picture of them ever. Yes, it’s being framed for both girls.

Shh…don’t tell Kaylee this is part of her birthday present!

I know my posts are few and far between now, I apologize. I wish I made the time to write for myself more, but the truth is there are so many other areas in life and people that need my attention in this season of life!

In the weeks of blogging silence, many good things happen and God has been teaching me in so many ways and I hope one day soon I will make the time to write about them. But today, my heart is heavy, in a sad yet joyful way. Its that time again. June. The month where I’m reminded of what I’ve been through and lost. A reminder of pain, yet of how God used that pain for glory and redemption.

7 (SEVEN!) years ago, I was preparing to give birth to Kaylee and place her into her family’s arms. Her 7th birthday is coming up next weekend.  Every year it amazes me how it sneaks up on me, just like these emotions.  Once again, I’m blessed to be invited to be a part of her special day. I get to see her beautiful smile and her eyes light up as we sing happy birthday and giggle as Savannah chases her around the house. That in itself, makes it worth it. Knowing how God used that time in my life makes it worth it, but I can’t deny the heavy heart of sadness. We miss her!

And then, June 5th (tomorrow) was the day our twins officially left my body, though they were physically and spiritually long gone before.  June 5th made it real, my womb was empty. Its hard to believe its been 2 years ago already. June always makes the wounds feel fresh again, just as with adoption emotions. I’ve said before how similar the emotions of adoption are to a miscarriage, at least in my experience. The life once inside a body, but leaving the hospital empty handed and a grieving heart. Knowing that I wouldn’t get to be their Mom, mourning that loss of role. And yet, like a rainbow after a storm June is a reminder of God’s love, guidance, and healing hand. I know He was holding me during those days of sorrow, and I know He’s holding me now.

June is hard, but God is good!

There is something about this 4 year old age and adoption. Wheels in their little heads start turning and they start to put the puzzle pieces together. They seem to start understanding who is who, the roles they play, and kinda-sorta understand what it means in a 4 year old way. I’ve seen it blossom in Kaylee in our visits since about this age (The defining moment in my mind was when I walked in the door and she shouted, “My birthmother!” instead of “Miss Leah!”) and now Savannah is reaching this point, too. Its interesting to watch her take in this information and begin to process it in a new light of better understanding…and its also heartbreaking to watch.  Because now, Kaylee isn’t just a girl she calls her sister for the fun of it, she’s getting why she is her sister and perhaps even the life they could of had together if she lived with us. She’s understanding that she really is her sister, but doesn’t live with us and she seriously misses her. I do too, baby, I do too.

Most days our talks about Kaylee are happy conversations. Usually they involve talking about Kaylee’s clothes or shoes because we have her entire hand-me-down wardrobe and Savannah proudly wears them (and if we want Savannah to wear or do something we say, “This is Kaylee’s FAVORITE!” Oh, the tricks of parents). But tonight? It was serious.  Tonight we read a book about adoption called  Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond and while this story isn’t our adoption story, I think it still helps Savannah understand why Kaylee is her sister and how special their relationship is. In this book, a little girl tells the story of when she was five her mommy had a baby boy and chose an open adoption. So, its kind backwards from our story in that Kaylee was placed first and then I parented Savannah, but it still talks about the adoption choice, the emotions that go along with it, how they are connected, and always will be siblings even if they don’t live together. I could tell though when reading, as she stopped to ask questions, she was experiencing for the first time (to my knowledge) truly feeling the sting of adoption just as the sister and mother were in the book.  We sat in her bubble gum pink bed, snuggling and reading this book with a heavy heart missing Kaylee just as the little girl and Mom in the story were in one drawing. Yes, I boast about the blessing that adoption can be and how wonderful our relationship/experience is…but it comes with a price. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt sometimes, that we aren’t sad, or never miss her.   We do, and it comes in unexpected moments like this. Still, I pray as she is understanding how adoption works in our lives, that she sees the many blessings it has provided not just for Kaylee, but for us as well.

After all…how cool is it she wears her sister’s old clothes and shoes even when they live in different homes :-)

I know I don’t write about adoption much anymore with this whole pregnancy/birth/Mom of 2 thing happening the past year…but it’s been on my mind lately thanks to MTV’s 16 and Pregnant. I went back and read through my journals from when I was pregnant with Kaylee and after placement and I decided it might be beneficial to switch gears away from Mommyhood sometimes.

For starters, we had a Kaylee Christmas visit December 11th. It was amazingly fun as usual! It’s funny though, the older I get the more I end up spending most of my time socializing the with adults rather than spending time with Kaylee. And that’s partly because Savannah and Kaylee run off to play before I barely even get to say hi!  Kaylee did get to meet her new brother though and held him a time or two. The good thing about hanging out with Kaylee’s parents is that I get to hear all the stories about Kaylee, how school is going, her crazy habits that are very similar to me or my sister, and the fact that wants her hair to grow darker like mine is. Good stuff!

As both of our families have gotten busier and busier each year, we have a hard time keeping in touch except around birthdays and holidays it seems. Plus, Kaylee doesn’t really talk on the phone much. So, they got me a web camera so we can Skype! I still haven’t hooked it up yet but it’ll be neat to “see” each other and talk more often if our schedules can align.

I love that Savannah and Kaylee are “best friends.” Totally melts my heart! Savannah counted down the days for a week and every day (a 100 times a day!) asked if we could go NOW? She was so excited to give Kaylee the gift she picked out just for Kaylee. Our Christmas visits are one of my favorite days of the year, probably because we have formed our own traditions each year and for one day we’re one giant family all together :-)

It happens every time.

I generally feel great during pregnancy and love it. Despite the 1st trimester gagging, the backaches, and heartburn…I generally enjoy my time with each child in this special time. But something changes in the 8th month. I get emotional, overwhelmed. I cry.

With Kaylee, I was 16 years old and 8 months pregnant my junior year of high school. As the weeks went by the backaches from sitting in hard chairs kept getting to me, the emotions of making an adoption plan were on my mind all the time, and I just felt overwhelmed by all that life was throwing at my young self. One day, I was taking my sweet time walking waddling  in the halls to my class on the other side of the building. I had permission to do so from my teachers, knowing that it was getting harder for me to get around quickly.  But, a male staff member who didn’t know me stopped and said, “Where is your hall pass? You aren’t supposed to be in the halls still.” I looked at him and started to cry. I hate being in trouble and maybe if I could speak amongst my sobs I could have explained. He just looked shocked and like he had no idea what to do with me. Thankfully one of my teachers who did know me walked by and took care of the situation, calmed me down, then told me…”Why don’t you go home, Leah?”  And I did…for the rest of the semester (Thankfully it was just a month or so I missed since Kaylee’s due date was early June) because I just couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore. I promised my doctor if he gave me a medical note I would graduate high school when I returned and would fulfill my requirements from home to finish my junior year (obviously, I did AND went on to graduate college!.

With Savannah, I was working full time. I loved my job and the people I worked with. It was my escape from the maternity home I lived in at the time, the drama of family and knowing parenthood at 19 was around the corner. But again, one day I snapped. I sat in my cubicle and cried at work. I don’t even remember why. Again, my boss came over and said…”Why don’t you go home, Leah? We can get some one else to wrap up your last project.”

Today, I’m feeling the same way again. But its not school, work, adoption, or family drama overwhelming me. It’s my daughter. She doesn’t stop talking, whether it’s about birds eating outside or whining that I won’t give her chocolate milk right now. I can’t seem to find quiet unless she’s asleep. It’s the arguing and crying when I say no. It’s the laundry that doesn’t put itself away or the hundreds of crayons spread all over the living room. It’s that I let Savannah watch too much TV because I just don’t have the energy to play all day or simply even know what else to do with her. It’s that I feel like I do everything to maintain this house and would love help. It’s the void I feel that I haven’t spent real time with God lately. It’s the guilt knowing that we aren’t doing enough as her Mom and Dad to show her about how great God is, to give her a foundation of Truth to have a different life than I lead.  Today I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need “work” in my life.

This time I don’t have a boss to tell me, “Why don’t you go home, Leah? Go relax!  Forget about that Mom or House Maid project you have going on, some one else will pick it up.” Because being a Mom or running a household…you ARE the boss and if you don’t do your job no one will.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, our house, this baby boy inside me. Most days I’m overflowing with joy thinking at how God has blessed us as a family, has blessed me as a person so undeserving. But some days I want to just want to hit pause. And cry.

35 weeks tomorrow. Change is just around the corner…and I’m sure it’ll only get harder.

This post is brought to you by a dose of real life. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

I haven’t even logged in to this blog in over a week, simply because life is crazy right now with the middle of the semester already here (hurrah for flying by!), which means midterms and papers and presentations are constantly weighing on me right now.  Not to mention including life with a two year old, play dates to go on, trips to see family, and my trip to see Bre in two days! Life is busy, but quite good.

But, in logging in to make a quick update I was shocked. Stunned. I had 17 waiting comments, all making remarks about adoption on the 16 and Pregnant Update (click there to read the comments). I will tell you, I did approve them all because I accept and respect that everyone has a different opinion. I also believe that all those opinions and perspectives should be heard.  But, just as a reminder, please be respectful of my (and Bre’s) positive view as well. We did what we thought was best at that time in life for our children and we stand by that decision.

I do though feel the need to specifically address this comment from “Lazy Susan” regarding my post about Surviving Adoption.

“Well, as long as YOU survived! How selfish to only think of yourself–what about your child?”

Have you read anything about my adoption story?  If you have, you would see that the choice of adoption was not a selfish one in the least. I wanted to parent her, I wanted to be her mommy, but I knew in the dept of my heart that she deserved a better life than I could offer at 16 years old. So, I actually find my choice to be one of the most unselfish things I’ve ever done in my life because I put her quality of life priority over my desires to be a mother. And, I can tell you nearly five and half years later, my daughter is “surviving” as well, if you must call it that. She is where she meant to be, she is thriving, very loved, and knows who we are as her biological family as well. I’m here to fill in the pieces of her life puzzle as she grows, I see it as having the best of both worlds.  And yes, I did “survive” the heartache of the choice and I feel like I have the right to toot my own horn about it. I’m proud to be a birthmother.

Like I said before, I know everyone is going to have a different opinion and perspective and that’s ok.  But, I also have the right to share mine as well. The simple fact is this: Adoption is positive for us. It works for us. You have your views, I have mine.  That’s ok.

(Just do it respectfully, please!)