Sorry I dropped off the face of the blogging earth a month ago. I was doing so good for 11 days!  I’m bummed I didn’t continue the trend, but life happened.  Jaxson’s birthday busyness happened.

His party was a huge success, surround by our close family and best friends. We had a vegan cake made with applesauce that was yummy!  The weather was gorgeous so we all got to play outside and enjoy the last of the fall leaves. My wonder friend Leslie took some awesome pictures for us at his party.  This one is my favorite and just captures his personality perfectly. He’s such a happy, goofy boy!

The very next day I was struck down my mastitis out of now where! So that left me with no energy for about a week, barely able to take care of my kids, and definitely not blogging. Then life just got busy with Thanksgiving, play dates, grocery shopping, piles of laundry, trips out of town, Kaylee’s annual Christmas visit…and now sleepness nights thanks to teething molars.

November was busy, December is proving to be even busier! Just wanted to say hi if any one is still reading, and that we’re all alive and well :-) A little tired, but we’re good!

I’m am exhausted. It’s been a busy day cleaning, running errands, and preparing for a certain little boy’s 1st birthday tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m grateful for rest. Not just physical rest for my mind and body, but for my soul, too. A rest that only God can give.

I love how different Bible translations can change just one simple word and it can change the entire feeling and meaning. Tonight and tomorrow, this one fits:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (ESV).  Today, I’ve been working hard preparing. My body is tired from constantly moving, sometimes with a 19 pound boy strapped on my back when he wanted his Momma. A year ago, my body was literally in labor bringing him into this world and God provided rest and relaxation during so.

Usually though, I think of this version, because it reminds myself to bring my worries to Christ. A soulful rest. Peace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (NIV).

Goodnight, all. Tomorrow I have a 1 year old. I need my rest both physically and in my soul…

…I can’t believe its been a year…

Hopefully I can pass out like Savannah does.

Strangely, yes, I am thankful for tough times. I know that sounds weird, who likes to go through a rough patch in life or have a bad day? I don’t. But in hindsight I am thankful for them because they stretch and grow me in new ways.  They build character. They refine me, like a a fire purifying gold. And ultimately, they draw me closer to God. That’s the best part.

Today has been one of those days.

Granted, I know I am blessed in that my life could be far worse than it is but little things are getting me down today, from issues going on within my marriage to the fact that Jaxson’s birthday is in a week….I’m an emotional wreck today. I feel blue (I’m sure hormones are adding to the emotional equation as my body is still going through transitions thanks to breastfeeding). I feel hopeless at times about certain things in life. I’m questioning God and His timing. I’m re-living the emotions I felt a year ago.

I’m a person that loves to reminisce and treasures silly things like ticket stubs, just so I can remember what movie I saw at what time and with who. Birthdays are like looking at a ticket stub to me. They suddenly rush back memories, good and bad. Of how and where I spent my day, first moments, emotions, frustrations, things I would change or wish I could re-live. The one thing that has brought tears more than once today is knowing that a year ago tonight, right now, I was in labor with Jaxson…and I miss it. A labor that started on its own on his due date, accelerated me to 6cm dilated and quit. Stopped. I consider this night the beginning of my birth experience, because after all, it was real contractions and real progress but that just happened to hit pause and left me hanging with a “To Be Continued” sign until a week later. It left me grieving the birth I didn’t have yet, it left me angry and confused. But yet, it left me having no where else to turn but to God for comfort. I look back at the blog post I wrote a few days after my stalled labor and again feel that deep disappointment and confusion, but I can also see a humble strength while I cried on my knees. And then, just a few days later I see a renewed strength and growth that only God could have given me. I can see how God used that time to draw me into His arms and love on me, urging me to trust Him. Just like in the many hard times I’ve had in my life whether small moments like this, or large ones like like my adoption experience or miscarriage, He’s always taught me things through them.

I know its silly that, not only am I crying about missing his birth experience, but the fact that his actual birthday is a week away! Tonight I’m trusting He’ll use my grief again and teach me something…and turn this birthday grieving into celebration of his birth and joy for the awesome little guy Jaxson is today one year later.

And, I’m trusting He’ll bless me with the experience of another natural birth in the future :-)

Did I mention that we officially have a walker runner? Jaxson has been taking steps since 9 months old and since then he hasn’t slowed down! Guess he wanted to keep up with his big sister, huh? He also has become quite the climber, he is into and onto everything. Boxes, chairs, tables, cabinets. He keeps us busy :-) I cannot believe his birthday is just a few weeks away! However, because he started walking early it seems like he already is a little 1 year old toddler…its like he fast forwarded through a good 3 months of baby-ness. It is definitely bittersweet to watch him grow up and learn things so quickly…

See! Can’t even stay still for pictures these days.

I myself do not have allergies that I know of, but for the sake of Jaxson and his apparent reactions to certain foods I eat transmitted through my milk, I chose to change my diet. It’s been 5 months now since his rashes started appearing and  the frustrations of “What the heck is causing this?!” consumed my mommy life. It’s been quite an adventure and change for us, taking into consideration many people’s opinions from doctors to other mom’s, spending lots of wasted money on ointments, and experimenting with supplemental foods. Back in March at the doctor we pinned down the allergens to be eggs, nuts, dairy, and since then I’ve added soy to the list.

How’s it going, you ask? Well for many months I tried to avoid those foods for his sake, but often failed because of my sweet tooth. Like, when my husband would bring home doughnuts (shame on him to bring home temptation!) or I’d be at a birthday party and sneak a bit of cake. Or, not picking a decent restaurant to avoid cross-contamination, like those cook-in-front-of-you Japanese steak houses where everything is cooked with butter and right next to the eggs for fried rice! So yes, my sweet tooth and eating out has been my biggest challenge. I was getting so frustrated that even though I was “being good” most of the time, he still would have red flared up cheeks that would come and go in intensity.  Get better, get worse, get better, get worse. I would have hope that we finally had it manageable and then I’d sneak another bite of something and make it worse again. Oh, the guilt!

Several times I’ve woken up to Jaxson with blood covered sheets and bright red cheeks, but one day I had had enough. Frustrated with how I had been handling things, I turned to the idea of finding a formula that maybe he would thrive on instead of literally tearing his skin off. Good news? They do make a soy and dairy free formula! Bad news? It costs at least $30 a can, making it over $100 per month. Oy. I like that breastfeeding is free. And plus, the more I thought about it, the more I mourned the idea of losing that special bond between Jaxson and I. I’ve written before how he adores that time, both for hunger and for comfort and quite honestly, I’m not ready to give that up if I don’t need to. Still, that night I nursed him and while doing so I prayed about what God would have me do. I kid you not, the next day his face was at least 50% clearer, when just the day before he had clawed his face over and over.  To me, it was a sign from God to keep trying. So I strapped on my big girl momma boots and determined to try harder.

And, I prayed a lot.

I prayed that God would take away the cravings of the foods that caused him to flare. I prayed that he would purify my milk and the allergens would leave his body. I prayed he wouldn’t itch and scratch. And, I gave thanks that his allergy reactions are just a rash and not anything life threatening like breathing problems (Seriously. Thank you, God!).

I tell you, prayers work! Soon after that my stepmom remembered what she used to do for my little brother when he had eczema (not food related, but same itchy skin situation). We realized that Savannah would eat a PB&J or eat cereal with milk and then kiss all over her baby brother, which easily could pass allergens along. So, I followed her advice of washing his cheeks and hands more often to wipe off any allergens that were lingering on the skin. That made a huge difference! And then, I bought yet another ointment to put on his rash. I’ve tried everything it seems like, natural or not, from Emu oil to paraban laden creams recommended by the dermatologist. Although I would like to find a natural solution, but this Eczema cream with Cortizone has made the most drastic difference.

Of course, I haven’t taken a current picture of him lately except on my cell phone (shame, shame). But, let’s just say he looks kind of like this where the rashes were edited out by an awesome photographer back in May when he was about 6.5 months old:

Minus the frowny face and the froggy hat.

Sure, we have our flare ups every now and then. But, as I stick to my diet for his sake (and improving my own health along the way!) they usually are very small and manageable compared to what the past months have looked like.

Praise God for clear cheeks!

May 2010- 6.5 months old. His cheeks look so much better than that now :-)

Jaxson is a Momma’s Boy. I remember Savannah being a Momma’s girl to as a baby (and still is…when she isn’t calling me “evil” because I discipline her!)

Maybe it’s this baby stage. Maybe it’s the fact that I have the milk. But, he absolutely loves being close to me and especially loves being wrapped up extra close in a carrier. Before this  summer weather got super-duper hot, we would take nightly walks to the mail box and around the neighborhood with him strapped to my back. He would kick his legs and chew on the fabric to ease his ever expanding gum line (he now has SIX teeth,  half of those came in just in the past 2 weeks. Talk about some sleepless nights!). Eventually he would lay his fuzzy head down on my back and just rest as he watched the world from behind my shoulders. Nursing has a similar effect most times, I absolutely love how he finishes many of his meals with a content sigh or squeal. It makes those middle of the night feedings a little more bearable!

I used to have moments like that with Savannah as a baby, I treasured them away in my heart, too. Now they’ve transformed into our nightly ritual of prayers, scratching her back, and snuggles. It’s different than the baby bonding, but yet the same. It’s those moments that make up for her calling me evil when I tell her no to something. It’s in those moments that peace settles in after the emotional-4-year-old-storm and all is okay again. The slate is clean, just as rain washes away the dirt she’s played in off our front sidewalk.

It is moments like these I want to remember forever with my kids. The complete contentment they have just being close to me, the peace inside both of us that for a moment all is right. The silence that nothing has to be said. Just us, enjoying closeness and bonding together our parent-child souls.

I love having a momma’s boy and girl. Thank you, God for our little blessings! Some days I have to remind myself that they are blessings, especially grumpy days like today. Like I said, sweet moments wash it all away.

Jaxson turned 6 months old a week ago, I can’t believe it! How can half a year already have gone by? I’m sure the next 6 months will go by even faster as he keeps me even busier. And while I am enjoying watching him grow and learn new things practically every day…can time not slow down just a little?

He is officially mobile, doing the army crawl all around the house and starting to get into things he shouldn’t. Time to start baby proofing again! He’s a boy already…bonking his head often and doing strange things like getting his arm stuck in between the door and the door jam while scooting around (how?). Savannah was pretty good about not getting into cabinets, toilets, or getting hurt other than the typical skinned knees…but I predict Jaxson will be more of a handful!

He’s still a pretty content and happy baby and loves his big sister, she can always make him smile. Now that his 2 bottom teeth have popped though he’s more on the fussy-don’t-put-me-down side, but its not too bad.

We’re still dealing with food allergy issues, but thankfully we are a few steps closer to keeping it under control. Well…if I could stop my weakness for eating things that give him flare ups! The dermatologist helped us figure out it was dairy, eggs, and nuts and his face has cleared up a lot but not 100%. I’m wondering if there is more to it like soy or citrus but I haven’t taken them out of my diet yet…its hard enough eliminating 3 major ingredients and I’m trying to get a handle on that first.

Thankfully…there are lots of alternatives to the things I love (if I make the effort to go to the right stores). Like chocolate ice cream made with coconut milk or soy (Oh my gosh, so good!). Or pancakes with an egg replacer. Eating at home isn’t the problem, its when we eat out or traveling, its hard to avoid the allergens even if I think I’m avoiding it. But, like I said before, its worth it to keep breastfeeding!

These were taken on Easter, he’s grown a lot since last time I posted a picture at 2 months old! Both Savannah and Jaxson are getting so big and looking older :-)

Have you noticed, I haven’t posted any pictures of Jaxson since oh…January maybe?  I have a confession: I’m embarrassed. I haven’t even taken many of his 3rd and 4th month :-/

See, it started when he turned 3 months old, he got one red spot on his little chubby cheek. No big deal, I thought it was just chapped cheeks from the extreme cold weather we were having at the time.  As the weeks went by it went from the size of a dime to the size of a quarter and then spread to his left cheek.  They both grew, started to ooze and scab. They itched him and I’d wake up to his crib looking like a crime scene since he kept digging at them throughout the night. It got bad, really bad. I tried various lotions and advice from fellow mommies. It began spreading to creases in his arms and legs. I eventually took him to a doctor that thought it was a yeast rash, but that medicine did nothing.  It just kept oozing and scabbing. I took him for a second opinion and he said, “Those aren’t yeast, that’s eczema that’s gotten  infected.” And thankfully, antibiotics got it under control to where it at least wasn’t oozing. But, the redness is still there since the cause of the eczema is still unknown.

We’re now playing the guessing game called, “What is Jaxson Allergic to?!” Let me tell you, I hate this game. He has only had my milk so whatever is bothering him is in my diet most likely (I suppose it could be something environmental). I’ve taken out dairy for starters since I noticed a flare up after having a glass of milk. I’ve taken out gluten. Now I’m wondering if it’s a nut allergy since when I drink my milk I mix it with chocolate Almond milk. And since taking out dairy and gluten I have heavily increased my nut intake to substitute and he’s still getting flare ups. We’ll see if this is the winning answer.  We are seeing an Allergist this Tuesday (on the day he turns 5 months old…*sob* Where is the time going?! Slow down time!) and while I know tests can be inconclusive at this age I’m really trying to be hopeful they can give us some answers.

I just want his cute little cheeks back!  I know it’s silly of me to be embarrassed by them, but I know people look when we are out in public and they ask questions.  I think it goes back to that fear of judgement that I have, like because he has these rashes I’m not doing something right or enough to take care of him. But, I know that’s not really true. Food allergies are common and I know I’m doing a lot to make it better, from appointments to drastic changes to my diet.  I gotta learn how to let these judgement issues go, eh? I can only do the best I can do!

Can I tell you though, he has grown so much since you saw him last (even you, my personal Facebook friends). He rolls and scoots all over the place. He’s lost all his dark hair (well, except one little V in the back) and he’s growing in some cute blondish-brown fuzz (feels like a tennis ball, I love rubbing his head!). He has my eyes, but also looks a lot like Savannah as a baby. He is a  super happy, smiley baby still. Everyone comments on what a great baby he is. He has started to really giggle and laugh when we play games, it’s great :-) Savannah is still my big helper and loves to be with Jaxson. His sleep is still wonky some nights but over all much better than it was. Maybe one day soon I’ll be brave and post his cloth diapered bottom-red cheek-blue-eyed cuteness.

Do you have any food allergy or eczema advice?

As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.

I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4