“You are the light of the world- like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.” Matthew 6:14-16

This has been the focus in our house lately, learning to let our light shine….even when its hard.

However, I didn’t find this verse until 2 days ago when I “accidentally” (are there any accidents when God is moving in our lives?) stumbled on it, the idea to focus on our lights actually came from the song “This Little Light of Mine.” Its one of Savannah’s favorites right now and the Holy Spirit has guided me in how to use it as a parenting tool. God is awesome like that, I needed help in my parenting and He provided it through a simple song.

See, we’ve had some behavior issues and parent-child disconnect lately with Savannah. Some issues are admittedly my own fault in that she has learned how to handle her daily life frustrations in the same way I do, like blowing things out of proportion and yelling (I confess!). I was tired of fighting battles everyday, I was tired of being a yelling mommy and feeling my anger spiral out of control while watching my daughter do the same. I absolutely did not like knowing that my unthoughtful words were wounding her spirit and heart, and in turn she was acting out and dishing out the same unkindness.  So, I felt like we needed to work on this together but wasn’t sure what to do to encourage a change in her behavior, let alone my own. Old habits die hard, huh?

It’s amazing to see how God can work when we humble ourselves! One day Savannah said in her giddy 4 year old voice, “You know my favorite part of that song, Mommy? The part where it says, ‘Don’t let Satan blow it out, NO! I’m going to let it shine’ because I love Jesus!” And that got me thinking  about this song a little deeper (blame the English major in me and the Holy Spirit’s wonderful prompting!) and how we each have “lights” inside of us. I imagine it to be like a candle light, softly dancing with joy, and providing a light to all that is near. Our light is not only our love and faith in Jesus, but its our choice to live as He’s called us so others can see Jesus in us. Specifically, we do that by loving each other and bearing spiritual fruits (patience, kindness, self-control, etc. Galatians 5:22-23). When we let anger, selfishness, greed, etc. take over that is letting Satan blow that light and love out.  As I strive to teach my kids how to not only “behave” but to know Jesus as a personal friend, I’m also striving to better myself as a person and soak in these lessons as well. It often goes hand in hand, me and my kids, we are on this learning path of life together.

So I said to her, “You know Savannah, when you aren’t obeying Mommy or Daddy and yelling at us when you get angry…that is letting Satan blow your light out.” And, what do you know, it stuck! The visual of us each having a light inside that can love has really sunk into her, she wants to be like Jesus and have her light shine. And now, in moments when she may be on the edge of no return after she dislikes what I’ve said, I gently remind her about her light. “Savannah, is your light blown out?” It happened just today when I told her we weren’t buying an Icee at Target and it stopped her in her “You don’t EVER buy me anything” dramatic tracks. In turn, she now is doing the same to me when I  I feel the heat of anger rising in me and that tone of voice starts creeping out. “Mom, I think you’re light is blown out.” It always snaps me back into focus on how God has called us to love, in gentleness and patience even when its hard, and how to be a better example to my children. I’m so thankful for her accountability.

The biggest result of this little lesson? It isn’t that she behaves better, listens more, or that I yell less. It is that we both genuinely have JOY in our hearts nearly every moment now, that glow of light is felt in me and I can see it in her big blue eyes too. Joy for Jesus, joy for life, joy for our mother-daughter relationship. I love asking her, “Is your light shining?” and watching her enthusiastically squeal “Yes!“  That is priceless.

One of the things I am most enjoying as a parent is watching Savannah grow, not just physically into a beautiful girl, but spiritually as well. She is teaching me things, keeping me accountable and how to live out our faith in a childlike way. I love it!

I myself do not have allergies that I know of, but for the sake of Jaxson and his apparent reactions to certain foods I eat transmitted through my milk, I chose to change my diet. It’s been 5 months now since his rashes started appearing and  the frustrations of “What the heck is causing this?!” consumed my mommy life. It’s been quite an adventure and change for us, taking into consideration many people’s opinions from doctors to other mom’s, spending lots of wasted money on ointments, and experimenting with supplemental foods. Back in March at the doctor we pinned down the allergens to be eggs, nuts, dairy, and since then I’ve added soy to the list.

How’s it going, you ask? Well for many months I tried to avoid those foods for his sake, but often failed because of my sweet tooth. Like, when my husband would bring home doughnuts (shame on him to bring home temptation!) or I’d be at a birthday party and sneak a bit of cake. Or, not picking a decent restaurant to avoid cross-contamination, like those cook-in-front-of-you Japanese steak houses where everything is cooked with butter and right next to the eggs for fried rice! So yes, my sweet tooth and eating out has been my biggest challenge. I was getting so frustrated that even though I was “being good” most of the time, he still would have red flared up cheeks that would come and go in intensity.  Get better, get worse, get better, get worse. I would have hope that we finally had it manageable and then I’d sneak another bite of something and make it worse again. Oh, the guilt!

Several times I’ve woken up to Jaxson with blood covered sheets and bright red cheeks, but one day I had had enough. Frustrated with how I had been handling things, I turned to the idea of finding a formula that maybe he would thrive on instead of literally tearing his skin off. Good news? They do make a soy and dairy free formula! Bad news? It costs at least $30 a can, making it over $100 per month. Oy. I like that breastfeeding is free. And plus, the more I thought about it, the more I mourned the idea of losing that special bond between Jaxson and I. I’ve written before how he adores that time, both for hunger and for comfort and quite honestly, I’m not ready to give that up if I don’t need to. Still, that night I nursed him and while doing so I prayed about what God would have me do. I kid you not, the next day his face was at least 50% clearer, when just the day before he had clawed his face over and over.  To me, it was a sign from God to keep trying. So I strapped on my big girl momma boots and determined to try harder.

And, I prayed a lot.

I prayed that God would take away the cravings of the foods that caused him to flare. I prayed that he would purify my milk and the allergens would leave his body. I prayed he wouldn’t itch and scratch. And, I gave thanks that his allergy reactions are just a rash and not anything life threatening like breathing problems (Seriously. Thank you, God!).

I tell you, prayers work! Soon after that my stepmom remembered what she used to do for my little brother when he had eczema (not food related, but same itchy skin situation). We realized that Savannah would eat a PB&J or eat cereal with milk and then kiss all over her baby brother, which easily could pass allergens along. So, I followed her advice of washing his cheeks and hands more often to wipe off any allergens that were lingering on the skin. That made a huge difference! And then, I bought yet another ointment to put on his rash. I’ve tried everything it seems like, natural or not, from Emu oil to paraban laden creams recommended by the dermatologist. Although I would like to find a natural solution, but this Eczema cream with Cortizone has made the most drastic difference.

Of course, I haven’t taken a current picture of him lately except on my cell phone (shame, shame). But, let’s just say he looks kind of like this where the rashes were edited out by an awesome photographer back in May when he was about 6.5 months old:

Minus the frowny face and the froggy hat.

Sure, we have our flare ups every now and then. But, as I stick to my diet for his sake (and improving my own health along the way!) they usually are very small and manageable compared to what the past months have looked like.

Praise God for clear cheeks!

As I mentioned last time…I’m tired (I even yawned as a wrote that…). Jaxson’s sleep actually has gotten worse as he’s gotten older because we have gotten into the bad habit of breastfeeding to sleep. Remember I bragged that he would sleep 5 hours some times? Yeah, he stopped soon after I said that. The Baby Wise theory got chunked to the side (it was working before we got into this habit I can’t get him out of) because I couldn’t do the feed, play, sleep routine with him only falling asleep at feeding or in the car. No amount of swing time, trying to use a pacifier, rocking, crying it out, etc. was or is cutting it. I know nursing is one of the most comforting things for a baby (and a Mom!) so its an easy habit to fall into but it has wrecked havoc on our sleeping, both for naps and night time. And yes, I’ve tried just sleeping with him but that creates even worse sleep for me since I’m such a light sleeper and then he wants to eat even more! I’ve tried gentle approaches like the No Cry Sleep Solution but they take time to work because its slow steps at a time. And thus, I’m still exhausted even with somewhat of an action plan because it isn’t an instant fix.

Seriously, I counted one night and I was up 10 (TEN!) times between the 2 of my kids (Jaxson 8 times, Savannah 2 times). I’m not expecting to get a full nights sleep every night at this stage of parenting, I totally accept that parenting comes with night wakings for various reasons but TEN times a night is ridiculous. I would welcome even 2 times a night with open arms at this sleep deprived point. I feel like I’ve tried everything I can to encourage him to sleep more, but it fails. After a long day yesterday of him fighting his naps to the point of him being extremely over tired and uncharacteristically fussy…I had nothing else left to do but to pray. No where else to turn for help, but God.

Mark and I had tried for an hour to get him to sleep and stay asleep when we laid him down. Finally, I held him as he fussed and squirmed and said a prayer out loud. I prayed for the Enemy to flee and God to draw near, that I chose to believe that God promises us rest and will give us the rest we all need, I prayed that He would be everything that Jaxson was craving so that he would stay asleep: to be his pacifier and his warmth, to be the arms around him to bring the comfort he wanted to feel. As I started to pray this he was fighting sleep again, but he instantly fell asleep and stayed asleep as I laid him down. He then slept…get this! Five and half hours! That is the longest he’s slept in probably 6 weeks and oh, how nice it was! I know that God may not grant this prayer every time I pray it, but I truly believe that God will give me rest whether that means physically receiving it or simply providing the peace and strength to get through my day after a rough night. I know He heard my prayer and plea for physical rest last night though, praise God!

What’s awesome is that God is teaching this to me in so many ways right now. This message of resting in Christ has been surrounding me lately from church messages, to my Bible study, to discussions with friends. Clearly, God is trying to teach me something about simply trusting Him, coming to Him with my needs and allowing Him to provide the supernatural recovery and strength I need. I’ve been clinging to certain versus as I yawn my way through the day as a reminder of this promise. And like I said before…I know this phase won’t last forever and I want my heart to be in a peaceful place where I can enjoy this stage of life and everything that comes with it.

…But I could definitely use some more sleep.

I know it’s been over a month since there have been any posts…we’re alive, I promise!  As Mark and I have grown closer to God these past few months we’ve both felt convicted about idols. Guess what mine is? The computer. His is the Xbox and we’ve both been making an effort to back away a little bit and focus on family time more.  The moments when I do have time to write I’ve felt the call the read the Bible or something else more productive in my day (do the dishes and laundry ever end?!), or sleep. I wish I could find the perfect balance for life so it wasn’t so one sided, whether is too much me time or too much focus on the daily duties and not enough me time. If any of you figure out that balance, let me know how to do it!

So how have we been? Of course, my standard answer to anyone who asks has been, “We’re all good!” And yeah, in the grand scheme of life we are good because we’re all healthy, well fed, warm, loved, etc. but I admit some times that’s just a Supermom cover. I’m not always good. Jaxson is almost 3.5 months old now and the months of sleep dept has caught up to me. Gone are the days where I can get up every hour, run on adrenaline, and be happy all day long because I’m so in love with life (aside from that baby blues period!). Instead, I wake up all night long frustrated that both kids are waking me up several times a night just because they need Mommy to put them back to sleep again and therefore I wake up grumpy, which makes for a long and grumpy day for all. It’s a vicious cycle that obviously affects me personally, but also how I parent. I hate it, I don’t want to be a yelling mommy. I want to be a patient, gentle, loving-like-Christ-loves-us kind of Mommy. Consider this my cry for help. (Help! Books? Websites? Ideas? Bible Verses? Discipline ideas appropriate for a 4 year old?).

I’m going to be real honest here: My relationship with Savannah isn’t all that great, and especially has taken a slide since Jaxson has been born. Our relationship consists of lots of whining, yelling, tears, frustrations, etc. on both ends. Which, is another huge reason why I’m trying to step back from what I want to do during quiet moments like nap times and spend it with her. I’ve started doing some homeschooling with her on days she isn’t actually in preschool and making more of an effort to do things she likes, like play board games together. I know deep at the heart of our issue is love and respect; she wants love and I want respect (Anyone ever read that book? Who knew the parenting relationship could be similar to the marriage one!).  I need her listening ears to be turned on and I need my unconditional loving heart to be turned on! I don’t mean that I don’t love Savannah, that’s far from the truth, but I’m praying for a heart that can reflect that love even when it isn’t easy. I honestly feel like I’m failing her some times. But then, she’ll wake up the next day and magically have listening ears, polite answers, and a desire to be a helping hand AND sleep through the night. I know God must be hearing my prayers to have some good days every now and then!

As far as Jaxson goes, besides his sleep habits, he’s a fantastic baby. Everyone comments on how content and happy he is, and it’s so true. I could watch his big toothless grin all day long, he’s such a smiley baby! He’s growing very fast, already up to 14 pounds and definitely not newborn-ish anymore. He loves to sit up to look around (with help, of course) and he is really into grabbing things now (I considered growing my hair back out until he started grabbing it!). Its cute to watch him play with toys now! He is starting to show teething signs already so we have some odd cranky moments and lots of drool now. We are still cloth diapering and I still love it. I have a post I started over a month ago waiting to be finished all about the details of that. But long story short: I hate using disposables  now on the rare occasions I use them.

On the spiritual front though, besides feeling like I’m being attacked from all sides in my tired weakness, I feel like Mark and I are finally growing our roots as a family in God. He’s been going to a men’s small group each week, and I’ve been going to a women’s.  Getting to church each week is a different story though, I feel like The Enemy attacks the hardest Saturday nights when I need to rest to be able to function on Sundays! Despite that though, God has really opened doors to opportunities to get to know other believers in our area and like-minded Mommies for me and Savannah to hang out with. In fact, Mark has decided to finally answer the tugging at his heart about going to seminary to be a youth pastor. It’s still in the planning stages of how and when to go about this, but just the fact that he’s made the decision to do it and research it more is great in my eyes!

So that’s where I’ve been and where we are now. Some days I feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and the next I wonder what in the world am I doing being responsible for 2 other lives! As Mark told me at 1am last night…”this too shall pass.” I know that while this is a busy and tiring season of life,  I’ll look back and miss it.

And while I’m in this season, this is my prayer. It makes me feel stronger every time I read it!

“I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.” Ephesians 4

I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

My pregnancy insomnia is getting worse. No matter how exhausted I am, I lay there for hours. What’s funny is that I’m not even uncomfortable right now. My bed is perfect amount of softness/hardness balance that my hips and back haven’t been hurting during the night for the most part. The nightly heartburn I was having is magically gone since this little guy has decided to start dropping already (I’m 32 weeks now). But I. just. can’t. sleep. My brain won’t stop working.

The other night it was so bad I finally just got out of bed at 2am to make a list to get it out of my head, but still wasn’t tired so stayed awake until 4am on the computer. Then I finally crashed until 9am.   I’ve decided it’s worse to actually get up instead of just laying there, thinking and dosing.  It took pregnancy brain to a whole new level…one of wearing my shirt backwards all day in public and two different shoes. Granted, the shoes were at least both black flip flops but they were slightly different. And the shirt? I kept wondering why I had to keep pulling it down to cover my belly. I thought maybe I had just out grown yet another shirt until I was washing my hands in the bathroom at a store and saw my tag in the mirror. Oy. I hope no one noticed…

You would think that after a non-sleeping night it would be easy-peasy to get some sleep the next night. Nope. I went to bed at 8am barely able to keep my eyes open and still laid there until 9:30 when I finally took a benedryl to help. Once that wore off I was back in a non-stop-brain thinking mode. Any suggestions of a more natural way to get some sleep?!

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

I haven’t even logged in to this blog in over a week, simply because life is crazy right now with the middle of the semester already here (hurrah for flying by!), which means midterms and papers and presentations are constantly weighing on me right now.  Not to mention including life with a two year old, play dates to go on, trips to see family, and my trip to see Bre in two days! Life is busy, but quite good.

But, in logging in to make a quick update I was shocked. Stunned. I had 17 waiting comments, all making remarks about adoption on the 16 and Pregnant Update (click there to read the comments). I will tell you, I did approve them all because I accept and respect that everyone has a different opinion. I also believe that all those opinions and perspectives should be heard.  But, just as a reminder, please be respectful of my (and Bre’s) positive view as well. We did what we thought was best at that time in life for our children and we stand by that decision.

I do though feel the need to specifically address this comment from “Lazy Susan” regarding my post about Surviving Adoption.

“Well, as long as YOU survived! How selfish to only think of yourself–what about your child?”

Have you read anything about my adoption story?  If you have, you would see that the choice of adoption was not a selfish one in the least. I wanted to parent her, I wanted to be her mommy, but I knew in the dept of my heart that she deserved a better life than I could offer at 16 years old. So, I actually find my choice to be one of the most unselfish things I’ve ever done in my life because I put her quality of life priority over my desires to be a mother. And, I can tell you nearly five and half years later, my daughter is “surviving” as well, if you must call it that. She is where she meant to be, she is thriving, very loved, and knows who we are as her biological family as well. I’m here to fill in the pieces of her life puzzle as she grows, I see it as having the best of both worlds.  And yes, I did “survive” the heartache of the choice and I feel like I have the right to toot my own horn about it. I’m proud to be a birthmother.

Like I said before, I know everyone is going to have a different opinion and perspective and that’s ok.  But, I also have the right to share mine as well. The simple fact is this: Adoption is positive for us. It works for us. You have your views, I have mine.  That’s ok.

(Just do it respectfully, please!)

Just so you know, since the 16 and Pregnant adoption episode aired last night, the full episode is now available online at MTV.  If you haven’t watched it yet, go check it out (it’s about 40 minutes) before you read my post, my blog will still be here when you’re done! And as a warning, you will need tissues.

Ok so, I watched it during Savannah’s nap time today and I have to say, I’m impressed. This has to be the first time in a while that I’ve seen adoption pretty darn realistic in that it shows the good and bad, the joys and pains, and expresses the truth of what adoption is about…love.  Of course, there are “bad” people out there that can create bad experiences and I can’t deny that it doesn’t happen in adoption, but in general this story reveals what it’s like for a birthmother who obviously cares for her child beyond words, has peace with her decision, with an adoptive couple completely open and loving in return.

Honestly, watching this episode was a lot like watching my own story on screen (they even all have heart pendents like we do to display how they are “linked for life”!).  It brought back so many memories of just 5 years ago, the closeness I felt with Kaylee and getting to know her family, the anguish of making that decision and not knowing what to expect emotionally with her delivery and afterward.  However unlike Catelynn, I had oodles of support for my decision and my heart breaks for her and Tyler in that even their own parents couldn’t see how mature they are for making the choice to give their daughter a better life than what they have.

And oh my goodness, how refreshing to see a birth father so involved! Tyler showed so much strength and maturity and clearly loves both Catelynn and their daughter.  Many times the dad’s disappear, even with parenting teens, and it was awesome to see that birth fathers (can) feel that same connection and love as well (Did you hear that sweet letter he wrote his daughter?! What a treasure that will be to her one day). It wasn’t the typical situation of “well give the baby up and let me live my life!” that I and so many other pregnant teens experienced.

If you remember, I had high expectations for this show. I wanted it to fight the stereotypes and it did. While it is sad that their family wasn’t supportive, it displayed the typical negative attitude and comments that people approach adoption with.  Sadly, Tyler’s own father told him that he wasn’t “manning it up” to the responsibility of being a dad by placing his daughter with another family for a better life but Tyler fought back though saying that his kid does deserve better than this life that they have. It’s impressive the passion and caring that he has, obviously it was worth fighting to give his daughter better.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard “I couldn’t ever do that” or “How can you carry a baby nine months and then just give it away?” when talking about adoption and once again it came up on this show.  Catelynn battled those comments as well and helped provide a true look at why people chose adoption, especially when she met with the adoptive parents and she explained why she made her choice.  Point blank: She wanted better for her daughter’s life. I love, love, love when she says, “I want her to know that I’m still there, that I didn’t just not care about her…I want her to have better than what I had and I’m doing what I think is the best” Bam. Proof right there that birthmothers do love and care about their children. The choice is out of love, not one that is selfish or not “manning up.”

I think for once, MTV did an awesome job portraying an adoption story and I pray that this show helps all who watch it to see the love inside this couple and every birth parent out there. That adoption is far from the easy way out. I have so much respect for Catelynn and Tyler and how they approached this. But then, I remembered that that was me a few years ago…and I’m proud.

What did you think?

I don’t really like MTV.  Well, I used to back in the middle school and high school days when it was the cool thing to watch all the time. But then I realized what trash it is, filled with sexual images and dirty language constantly. Ick!  Why waste my life watching crap on TV?

But, in saying that, I will be watching MTV this week for one show: 16 and Pregnant.  It’s covering an adoption story and the adoptive couple happens to be from North Carolina where I am from and went through the same agency one of my friend’s did.  With teen pregnancy on the rise and teen mothering becoming more and more the “cool” thing to do , I’m interested to see how this adoption story will play out in the media. Adoption just isn’t talked about much and when it is?  It’s usually either negative or totally misses the mark on what a blessing adoption can be.  Like Juno. Gah, hated the movie. It totally skimped out on how hard it is to make the choice of adoption!  The real emotions were smushed under comedy lines and a fake smile saying “let’s just get this baby out and NO I don’t want to have contact afterwards!” and a weird, weird relationship with the potential adoptive father. Bottom line: totally unrealistic. The same goes for the hit show “Secret Life of an American Teenager”. Again, it’s unrealistic and they backed out on the adoption story. Lame. Is adoption really that scary that people can’t talk about it for what it really is, the good and the bad, just like people do with teen pregnancy and parenting?

Anyway, I’m hoping MTV redeems it’s self with this show.  I hope and pray it fights the stereotypes that us birthmothers simply don’t care about our children, that we just give birth and never look back, or that we are escaping from the consequences of having sex, being selfish and irresponsible because we aren’t parenting our “mistake” (I totally don’t see Kaylee or Savannah as a mistake, fyi). I hope people can see we are exactly the opposite of what the world thinks we are: unselfish, responsible, and displaying the ultimate love in sacrifice to give our children better than we could at that time in life.  We may not deal with the “consequences” in midnight feedings and diaper trips, but we certainly feel the consequences on our heart every single day. I’m tired of people misunderstanding the heart of birthmothers and our intentions. Why are adoptive couples praised and unselfish for adopting a child but the birthmothers that provided that  opportunity for the couple is shunned and selfish? I just don’t get it.

Here is a small clip of the episode that seems very promising, I can so relate.  And of course, if you look on that same page Catelynn has already been met with public comments and disapproval of her choices. And yes, I made a MTV profile just to comment back to the ignorant comments.

16 and Pregnant: Catelynn’s Adoption story

On MTV this Thursday July 16 at 10pm

Expect a post with my thoughts afterwards! Here’s to hoping some adoption education is spread to the MTV world.