As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

I haven’t even logged in to this blog in over a week, simply because life is crazy right now with the middle of the semester already here (hurrah for flying by!), which means midterms and papers and presentations are constantly weighing on me right now.  Not to mention including life with a two year old, play dates to go on, trips to see family, and my trip to see Bre in two days! Life is busy, but quite good.

But, in logging in to make a quick update I was shocked. Stunned. I had 17 waiting comments, all making remarks about adoption on the 16 and Pregnant Update (click there to read the comments). I will tell you, I did approve them all because I accept and respect that everyone has a different opinion. I also believe that all those opinions and perspectives should be heard.  But, just as a reminder, please be respectful of my (and Bre’s) positive view as well. We did what we thought was best at that time in life for our children and we stand by that decision.

I do though feel the need to specifically address this comment from “Lazy Susan” regarding my post about Surviving Adoption.

“Well, as long as YOU survived! How selfish to only think of yourself–what about your child?”

Have you read anything about my adoption story?  If you have, you would see that the choice of adoption was not a selfish one in the least. I wanted to parent her, I wanted to be her mommy, but I knew in the dept of my heart that she deserved a better life than I could offer at 16 years old. So, I actually find my choice to be one of the most unselfish things I’ve ever done in my life because I put her quality of life priority over my desires to be a mother. And, I can tell you nearly five and half years later, my daughter is “surviving” as well, if you must call it that. She is where she meant to be, she is thriving, very loved, and knows who we are as her biological family as well. I’m here to fill in the pieces of her life puzzle as she grows, I see it as having the best of both worlds.  And yes, I did “survive” the heartache of the choice and I feel like I have the right to toot my own horn about it. I’m proud to be a birthmother.

Like I said before, I know everyone is going to have a different opinion and perspective and that’s ok.  But, I also have the right to share mine as well. The simple fact is this: Adoption is positive for us. It works for us. You have your views, I have mine.  That’s ok.

(Just do it respectfully, please!)

Just so you know, since the 16 and Pregnant adoption episode aired last night, the full episode is now available online at MTV.  If you haven’t watched it yet, go check it out (it’s about 40 minutes) before you read my post, my blog will still be here when you’re done! And as a warning, you will need tissues.

Ok so, I watched it during Savannah’s nap time today and I have to say, I’m impressed. This has to be the first time in a while that I’ve seen adoption pretty darn realistic in that it shows the good and bad, the joys and pains, and expresses the truth of what adoption is about…love.  Of course, there are “bad” people out there that can create bad experiences and I can’t deny that it doesn’t happen in adoption, but in general this story reveals what it’s like for a birthmother who obviously cares for her child beyond words, has peace with her decision, with an adoptive couple completely open and loving in return.

Honestly, watching this episode was a lot like watching my own story on screen (they even all have heart pendents like we do to display how they are “linked for life”!).  It brought back so many memories of just 5 years ago, the closeness I felt with Kaylee and getting to know her family, the anguish of making that decision and not knowing what to expect emotionally with her delivery and afterward.  However unlike Catelynn, I had oodles of support for my decision and my heart breaks for her and Tyler in that even their own parents couldn’t see how mature they are for making the choice to give their daughter a better life than what they have.

And oh my goodness, how refreshing to see a birth father so involved! Tyler showed so much strength and maturity and clearly loves both Catelynn and their daughter.  Many times the dad’s disappear, even with parenting teens, and it was awesome to see that birth fathers (can) feel that same connection and love as well (Did you hear that sweet letter he wrote his daughter?! What a treasure that will be to her one day). It wasn’t the typical situation of “well give the baby up and let me live my life!” that I and so many other pregnant teens experienced.

If you remember, I had high expectations for this show. I wanted it to fight the stereotypes and it did. While it is sad that their family wasn’t supportive, it displayed the typical negative attitude and comments that people approach adoption with.  Sadly, Tyler’s own father told him that he wasn’t “manning it up” to the responsibility of being a dad by placing his daughter with another family for a better life but Tyler fought back though saying that his kid does deserve better than this life that they have. It’s impressive the passion and caring that he has, obviously it was worth fighting to give his daughter better.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard “I couldn’t ever do that” or “How can you carry a baby nine months and then just give it away?” when talking about adoption and once again it came up on this show.  Catelynn battled those comments as well and helped provide a true look at why people chose adoption, especially when she met with the adoptive parents and she explained why she made her choice.  Point blank: She wanted better for her daughter’s life. I love, love, love when she says, “I want her to know that I’m still there, that I didn’t just not care about her…I want her to have better than what I had and I’m doing what I think is the best” Bam. Proof right there that birthmothers do love and care about their children. The choice is out of love, not one that is selfish or not “manning up.”

I think for once, MTV did an awesome job portraying an adoption story and I pray that this show helps all who watch it to see the love inside this couple and every birth parent out there. That adoption is far from the easy way out. I have so much respect for Catelynn and Tyler and how they approached this. But then, I remembered that that was me a few years ago…and I’m proud.

What did you think?

I don’t really like MTV.  Well, I used to back in the middle school and high school days when it was the cool thing to watch all the time. But then I realized what trash it is, filled with sexual images and dirty language constantly. Ick!  Why waste my life watching crap on TV?

But, in saying that, I will be watching MTV this week for one show: 16 and Pregnant.  It’s covering an adoption story and the adoptive couple happens to be from North Carolina where I am from and went through the same agency one of my friend’s did.  With teen pregnancy on the rise and teen mothering becoming more and more the “cool” thing to do , I’m interested to see how this adoption story will play out in the media. Adoption just isn’t talked about much and when it is?  It’s usually either negative or totally misses the mark on what a blessing adoption can be.  Like Juno. Gah, hated the movie. It totally skimped out on how hard it is to make the choice of adoption!  The real emotions were smushed under comedy lines and a fake smile saying “let’s just get this baby out and NO I don’t want to have contact afterwards!” and a weird, weird relationship with the potential adoptive father. Bottom line: totally unrealistic. The same goes for the hit show “Secret Life of an American Teenager”. Again, it’s unrealistic and they backed out on the adoption story. Lame. Is adoption really that scary that people can’t talk about it for what it really is, the good and the bad, just like people do with teen pregnancy and parenting?

Anyway, I’m hoping MTV redeems it’s self with this show.  I hope and pray it fights the stereotypes that us birthmothers simply don’t care about our children, that we just give birth and never look back, or that we are escaping from the consequences of having sex, being selfish and irresponsible because we aren’t parenting our “mistake” (I totally don’t see Kaylee or Savannah as a mistake, fyi). I hope people can see we are exactly the opposite of what the world thinks we are: unselfish, responsible, and displaying the ultimate love in sacrifice to give our children better than we could at that time in life.  We may not deal with the “consequences” in midnight feedings and diaper trips, but we certainly feel the consequences on our heart every single day. I’m tired of people misunderstanding the heart of birthmothers and our intentions. Why are adoptive couples praised and unselfish for adopting a child but the birthmothers that provided that  opportunity for the couple is shunned and selfish? I just don’t get it.

Here is a small clip of the episode that seems very promising, I can so relate.  And of course, if you look on that same page Catelynn has already been met with public comments and disapproval of her choices. And yes, I made a MTV profile just to comment back to the ignorant comments.

16 and Pregnant: Catelynn’s Adoption story

On MTV this Thursday July 16 at 10pm

Expect a post with my thoughts afterwards! Here’s to hoping some adoption education is spread to the MTV world.

Ok yall, this past month has proven to be a trying one for us regarding Savannah.  Maybe it has something to do with “knowing” something is different with a new baby coming, maybe it’s just the fact that she’s 2 and fighting for any control she can get.  But, whatever it is, please help!

1)  She won’t eat. While this isn’t exactly a “new” thing, it’s normal for her to go through phases of not eating much and then suddenly being a pig again. The doctor has never been worried because it’s normal for kids to be like that and we figure she’ll eat when she’ hungry (heck, I’m the same way!). But for the past month she seriously refuses to eat, resulting in weight loss. Now, Savannah is already REALLY small for her age (like me) so she can’t afford to lose more weight than she already doesn’t have.  She asks for one thing and then asks for another, I used to oblige in hopes she would eat, but then I just end up with 2 plates of not touched wasted food.

She also suddenly is REALLY picky about what she will eat. The foods she used to love, she now won’t touch or will only eat a bite or two. She used to love meats as long as it had ketchup on it. Now all she will eat is fruit and veggies, which while it is healthy for her, it is NOT filling. Which leads me to my next issue…

2) She won’t sleep. I know I’ve said a million times that we’ve always had some kind of sleep issue or another with her. But usually those sleep phases are short lived and has reasons to them like sickness or teething.  This time? She is not sick, and all her teeth are in so the only conclusion I can find is that she is just scared and REALLY dependent on Mark or I being in the room with her while she sleeps, and I think she keeps waking up at night because she didn’t eat dinner, so she’s hungry (she always asks for a “sanwich” in the middle of the night). Also, I’ve found that the rare times she DOES eat a good dinner, her night wake up calls happens later (11pm versus 3 or 4am).  So I’m sure hunger has to do with part of it.

And then, back to the issue of her being scared or just dependent on us. I don’t know what to do about this. We’ve battled this a million times in her 2 years of life, usually crying it out or giving in is our only options. But, this time crying it out leads to me being awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night because SHE won’t give in.  Or even if I sit in there with her until she falls asleep, it takes her atleast an hour or two for her to fall back asleep. But, if one of us goes in there to sleep (and lays down on the bed versus sitting on the floor) she’ll go right out.  So basically, my husband and I haven’t slept in the same bed in weeks and I hate it.  I also can’t remember the last night we slept the whole night through, which is sad. I’m not used to this lifestyle anymore (guess she’s preparing me early for our December arrival?).

In the past we kind of “weaned” her from how long we would stay in there while she was falling asleep but she will NOT have that now.  If she cannot see us, even with the door wide open and she can hear us say “We’re right here” she freaks out. She has to know that we are physially right by her to go to sleep. She has to absolutely be asleep for us to be able to leave the room (or we just fall asleep there…) I can’t do this forever.

What to do? Help us!

I need some help, folks.  See, Savannah isn’t a baby anymore. Which means she getting quite independent, testing her boundaries, and knows what she wants when she wants it.  Our problem?  Disipline. Her biggest offense is when we tell her “No” (no, we aren’t watching a movie right now, no we have go inside now, etc.) she hits us and throws things.  We quickly hold her hands and tell her sternly, “We do not hit.” And try to explain how being angry doesn’t mean we can hit or throw.  Usually, she’ll just do it again and then she goes to time out.

The problem here?  She likes time out. Currently, time out is in her crib because it’s a place she can’t just get up and out of.  However, the pacy resides in the crib as well, so now she asks to go to time out just to be with her pacy.  Yes, we’ve taken the pacy away during this time too once we realized what was going on, but it still hasn’t altered her behavior.

Also, I do not feel comfortable with spanking/popping my child in most small cases like this.  Especially, when she just got done hitting me and I tell her “Do not hit!” and then I hit her. I don’t want to send mixed messages.  I don’t believe a child has to be spanked to be appropriately disciplined (something my husband and I differ on).

What do I do?  What do/did you do at this age? It’s so hard to know what is appropriate because she is still so young and may or may not understand why.  Tell me your secrets!

I’m frustrated.  The more I do the research and more that I try to live a healthier life style…I keep getting slapped with the hidden truth and reality that my country (the USA) sucks at being healthy and therefore makes it difficult to be healthy.

Exhibit A: It’s now known that there is mercury in high fructose corn syrup (in addition to all the other risk factors of HFC). Which, makes me even more thankful that I’ve changed my diet and haven’t even touched HFC in nearly 3 weeks. But, my husband and daughter still eat whatever they want.  My daughter I could make the choice for her, but my husband? He’s set in his ways, he could care less and probably thinks I’m crazy for the holistic approach I’ve taken to life recently.

Exhibit B: I figured I’d get rid of the toxic products I’ve been using for years as well and traded my .99 cent Suave shampoo for a $8 Burt’s Bee’s shampoo.  The label sounded perfect, not only would my hair be full, voluminous and smell fabulous but it’d also be paraben free, SLS free, etc.  I was willing to spend $8 to get rid of those nasty cancer causing chemicals.  But oh, wait!  I went to Skindeep (cosmetic safety database) and decided to see if it truly was “better” and healthier than my cheap Suave. Guess what? It’s not. (See here for Burt’s Bees Very Voluminous rating, here for Suave clarifying) it has the same rating of moderate toxicity.  Sure, the label on Burt’s Bee’s is clear of harsh chemicals and looks perfect, but they hid the toxic stuff under the label “Perfume.”  Companies are allowed to not list “trade secrets” and they hid the crap under that secret code name.

Ever look at the ingredients of your make up or shampoo bottles?  Have you ever gone to cosmeticdatabase.com and looked at the facts in the face that just about every product that touches our skin is linked to cancer? And people wonder why our kids are dying of cancer at a young age, why it’s becoming like an epidemic, or why couples are more and more being diagnosed as infertile?  THIS is the reason, folks (or at least one of them). Because the companies we use ever single day are being allowed to put harsh chemicals in our products with no repercussions.  Sure, they may say it’s not that much used in the product but when we use them day after day, year after year it builds up. And why, if these chemicals are so bad for us have they not been banned? Europe has banned them. WHY NOT US?

I’m finding that more and more, as I do the research, that our lives are saturated with pure nastiness. Our face washes, house cleaners, laundry detergents.  You know that famous Johnston & Johnston baby shampoo you are using on your precious baby at bath time? Full of toxins. Even the food we eat! You would think shopping at a health food store that all the products they carry would be chemical free and safe, right? Wrong!  Some lotions clearly have parabens in them on their labels.  Companies like Burt’s Bees, Jasons, 7th Generation, Method, etc. that claim to be natural can still have harmful toxins. Why are companies stooping to these low levels? Oh, I know because they are more concerned about money than about the quality of products and health of their customers.

I’m just sick of this. Sick. I have read way too many blogs lately about kids dying from cancer all of a sudden. I’m tired of letting the beauty industry tell me and millions of other girls and women what products to use that will make us more beautiful, less wrinkly, smell great, etc. when really all the products do is lead us closer to death.

My point in sharing this with you folks: Do your research. Don’t continue living in a life saturated with chemicals that may harm you or children, now or later on in life.  Don’t let the beauty industry (or any industry) fool us any more, stand up with me. Get mad with me. Let’s change it.

P.S. I’ve received several comments from people upset that I’ve stopped blogging. That means a lot to me that I’m missed!  But I promise, I will continue blogging, but just need a break to let go of the pressure of having to do it. So from now on when I blog it’s because I want to, like with this post.

More Resources:

-Environmental Working Group

-High on Health

-America the Beautiful Documentary

-Food Matters Documentary

Taking a break from my classes and studying to wonder…why does God give me all my friends at a distance?  All my life I’ve moved around and had to adjust to new homes, enviroments, new schools, and new friends.  So that means, most of my friendships that I’ve had growing up have been left to being a distant connection, with little to talk about anymore as we’ve moved in seperate directions.

But then there are the connections I’ve made over the internet, like Breanna, or Victoria that have become the closest friendships I’ve ever had besides my family and husband. And it’s because of them I question, why God? Why must they live so far away?!  Victoria and I have known each other for 3 years but just recently met for the first time in October (yeah, I know neither of us has posted about it yet!).  What’s so neat is that despite the distance of 3 years, you would have thought we’d known each other all our lives. It’s fascinating to me.  Last night we were able to chat for 2 hours, and it’s so wonderful to talk with another God-loving person who understands my struggles in my relationship with Christ, prays for me, and praises God when I tell her good news and vice-versa.  We laugh together, to the point of snorting. Good times.  And while I love our relationship, it stinks she is so far away! I so desire a supportive and encouraging  relationship that I can talk about Christ and struggles and prayers in person over a cup of coffee. But, I can’t seem to find that person. Hm.

Still, I treasure the friendships that God has provided through the internet, because otherwise, I just might be truly friendless! ha.  And I thank God that we’re all atleast “close” enough to visit each other every once and awhile.

Apparently, I am not meant to have a free photobook.  Last weekend, Inkubook was giving away free photobooks to readers of Simple Mom. So, I upload all the photos and patiently waited…and waited…and waited…

The program froze on me.  I got tired of waiting and just left it be, not wanting to try again and waste my time.  Plus, I knew that I still had a free book from Snapfish thanks to Oprah.

So, tonight I realized was the last day to take advantage of the Snapfish offer and I got to it. I just spent the last two-three hours carefully choosing the right photos (sorting through HUNDREDS).  I’d gotten through 10 pages of designing my book…and see that the credit isn’t in my account anymore.  WHAT?! I just wasted MORE of my time for nothing?  I’m not about to pay that huge chunk of money they now want me to pay. And? Even if I did want to order it? It’s now gone into the world of cyber space, never to be seen again. Even thought I hit ’save.’

GAH, I’m ticked. Stop wasting my time photobook sites!

Alright, I finally have a chance to just sit and breathe and write.  Between the crazy end-of-school semester demands, traveling, and now a sick Savannah, it’s been hectic around here. And it will only get worse.  Which, is why I’m glad I took a week off to figure out what is really important in my life right now and refocus things.

First of all, I’ve loved reading all your comments of encouragement and knowing that there are others who struggle with time management as well.  I’m glad that God used this blog to reach others and remind us all where and how we should be spending our time and talents.

Things I learned this week from staying off the computer except when needed:

1. Holy cow I can get so much more done! I was able to get the house cleaned, loads of over-due laundry done, pack for my trip, etc. I felt so much more productive and efficient.

2. Gosh, I love my little girl. Not that I needed time off to learn that, but rather I was reminded how amazing she is and to treasure it more.  We turned off the TV for most of the day, watching way less than before and playing out side if it was warm enough.  So, therefore we spent more time bonding and making goofy games and just having fun.

But sadly, that was about the extent of my effort.  I tried to go to bed earlier and spend some time reading the Bible before bed but that only lasted for a night or two.  I felt no closer to God than before, as He was just an after thought after my day was done and I hardly remembered to even pray before I went to sleep because I was just too exhausted.

Today though, I set my alarm to get up for school 15 minutes early so that I could use those few minutes for some quiet time between me and God in the mornings.  What a difference it makes to start you day with God!  I felt like I started my day on the right track and I felt much more connected with Him throughout the day.   I highly recommend sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to spend time in His word and devoting each day to His glory.

In fact, I feel motivated now to start waking up every day at 6am, even when I don’t have to, so that I can always get that time with God and start my day productively. If you know me, this is totally not me. It must be a “God thing” (as Victoria would say, which deserves a whole post devoted to our visit! Coming soon).  I am a girl who likes her sleep and likes to sleep in whenever possible, so to want to give up that precious sleep to be near God is not of me. And I’m so thankful for that.

So, that’s really my week in a nutshell. Improvements, disappointments in myself, but God is still working on me (and always will be, I suppose!).  I’m just glad to be starting some where, not matter how small the start, and taking action against the sloth my life was becoming. I want to live!

What do you do to keep your priorities in line?