It happens every time.

I generally feel great during pregnancy and love it. Despite the 1st trimester gagging, the backaches, and heartburn…I generally enjoy my time with each child in this special time. But something changes in the 8th month. I get emotional, overwhelmed. I cry.

With Kaylee, I was 16 years old and 8 months pregnant my junior year of high school. As the weeks went by the backaches from sitting in hard chairs kept getting to me, the emotions of making an adoption plan were on my mind all the time, and I just felt overwhelmed by all that life was throwing at my young self. One day, I was taking my sweet time walking waddling  in the halls to my class on the other side of the building. I had permission to do so from my teachers, knowing that it was getting harder for me to get around quickly.  But, a male staff member who didn’t know me stopped and said, “Where is your hall pass? You aren’t supposed to be in the halls still.” I looked at him and started to cry. I hate being in trouble and maybe if I could speak amongst my sobs I could have explained. He just looked shocked and like he had no idea what to do with me. Thankfully one of my teachers who did know me walked by and took care of the situation, calmed me down, then told me…”Why don’t you go home, Leah?”  And I did…for the rest of the semester (Thankfully it was just a month or so I missed since Kaylee’s due date was early June) because I just couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore. I promised my doctor if he gave me a medical note I would graduate high school when I returned and would fulfill my requirements from home to finish my junior year (obviously, I did AND went on to graduate college!.

With Savannah, I was working full time. I loved my job and the people I worked with. It was my escape from the maternity home I lived in at the time, the drama of family and knowing parenthood at 19 was around the corner. But again, one day I snapped. I sat in my cubicle and cried at work. I don’t even remember why. Again, my boss came over and said…”Why don’t you go home, Leah? We can get some one else to wrap up your last project.”

Today, I’m feeling the same way again. But its not school, work, adoption, or family drama overwhelming me. It’s my daughter. She doesn’t stop talking, whether it’s about birds eating outside or whining that I won’t give her chocolate milk right now. I can’t seem to find quiet unless she’s asleep. It’s the arguing and crying when I say no. It’s the laundry that doesn’t put itself away or the hundreds of crayons spread all over the living room. It’s that I let Savannah watch too much TV because I just don’t have the energy to play all day or simply even know what else to do with her. It’s that I feel like I do everything to maintain this house and would love help. It’s the void I feel that I haven’t spent real time with God lately. It’s the guilt knowing that we aren’t doing enough as her Mom and Dad to show her about how great God is, to give her a foundation of Truth to have a different life than I lead.  Today I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need “work” in my life.

This time I don’t have a boss to tell me, “Why don’t you go home, Leah? Go relax!  Forget about that Mom or House Maid project you have going on, some one else will pick it up.” Because being a Mom or running a household…you ARE the boss and if you don’t do your job no one will.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, our house, this baby boy inside me. Most days I’m overflowing with joy thinking at how God has blessed us as a family, has blessed me as a person so undeserving. But some days I want to just want to hit pause. And cry.

35 weeks tomorrow. Change is just around the corner…and I’m sure it’ll only get harder.

This post is brought to you by a dose of real life. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I confess, I didn’t get up at 6am for quiet time.  See, just as I was settling down to sleep last night, Savannah decided it was play time.  So, I didn’t get to sleep until 2am when I finally just left out of frustration and let her cry.  Oh, I do not miss these days. HOW did I ever survive the first year of her life when it was constantly like this?  I’m running off of 5 hours sleep today, can barely keep my eyes open, dealing with a whiny sick girl and I have so much to do. I just want to cry.

But, ya know, some how I’ll get through this day and just pray I don’t completely loose it.  Tomorrow, I will get up early again and thank God that this day is over.

Hope your Wednesday is better than mine!

I just don’t feel like writing much right now.  I’m feeling a mix of things that I don’t really know why or what to do with it, so forgive me if I’m quiet while I figure it out. Or maybe I’ll just wake up tomorrow and be inspired again.

My birthday weekend turned out “eh.”  I did enjoy good company and soaked up the beautiful God made scenery, but it just left me feeling “eh” and ready to come home.  It wasn’t what I expected my fun, big 2-1 birthday celebration to be like. And I have still yet to drink my first official drink, which is fine by me. Oh well, that’s what some times having expectations does in life–lets you down.

I’m looking forward to my next visit up to the mountains in a few weeks in which I have little expectations but to hide away deep in the woods in our cabin with the great family of mine. Maybe I’ll read a book. Or go outside and write among the singing birds, sunshine, and trees. Or take a hike with my Mom. I just need space to breathe. I feel like I’m starting to suffocate in life among school demands and our messy clothes everywhere and trying to figure out how in the world to discipline our kid who just laughs at us (a whole ‘nother post for later).

And another thing that’s weighing me down–more expectations I had of myself. Remember last year year? Straight A’s for 9 classes in a row?  I felt like super Mom. Well now I am headed in the direction of B’s and C’s and I feel like I’ve failed. Why am I so hard on myself? I need to remember it’s not about the grade, but about the simple fact that I’m still in school and getting it done. I don’t have to be perfect, right?  Some one needs to keep reminding me of this.

That’s enough depressed thoughts for today.  On a happier note, tonight is the last night to enter the Unique Skins Giveaway over on the Review Blog so if you haven’t already entered, it’s your last chance!  3 winners will be announced tomorrow :-)

Can I be blunt here? Today sucked. The first day of classes sucked big rainy mud puddles.

Right from the get go, things were going wrong. I couldn’t find the parking pass, my car’s speedometer decided not to work (my 16 year old car that I JUST got fixed and now have spent close to $1,000 in the past few months for repairs just to have something break. AGAIN! Oy. We don’t have money to keep throwing away like this) so I had to rush to Mark’s car. At this point I was running late, but I could still make it on time with luck.

But oh, of course I don’t have good luck. It was raining hard, traffic was way worse than normal, meaning pretty dang horrible. Like, stopped horrible. Then, I finally make it to campus an hour later, but I’m so late there is no where to park! And I get lost trying to find a place to park. So I eventually find my way and park WAY far away and hustle through the rain with my handy zebra umbrella.

I finally get to my class 30 minutes late…and…no one was even in there. All that stress, worrying, and banging on my steering wheel screaming “GO!” for nothing. Though, I’m betting the entire campus was late today so I’m sure the teacher just left when no one showed up.

It just wasn’t a great start to my day, and the grumpiness stuck with me. I came home completely exhausted and with a headache, to make things worse. And, as I sat through my 4 classes (I would have 5 if my first wasn’t canceled), I felt this huge dread over me. I’m really, really not looking forward to this school year. I feel like I’m re-doing high school over again, just about every one of my classes I’ve already taken before.

1800 century English? Check. Spanish 2? Check. Algebra? Check.

Next semester will be the same way as well, re-doing what I’ve already done. I really, really hate this right now. The thing that is pulling me through is thinking about how I would regret it if I quit and how dang close I am to graduating. Half way there. I can do this. But man, I’m praying like crazy God will keep giving me the strength and courage to keep going.

The good news is that I know a few people in my classes, I picked really awesome teachers (except my Spanish guy. B-o-r-i-n-g, but it should be easy), and since I have had most of these topics it’s nothing “new” to me so it should be easy. And, when I get home we had steak and potatoes for dinner, which was especially yummy after not getting any lunch.

And now? I’m off to do absolutely nothing. My brain is tired.