She’s just getting too big, folks! Since when can she climb into a Hannah Montana chair and ask, “I uh color!” (Which in Savannah language means, “I want to color!”)? It’s all going by way too fast, she turns 18 months old in a little over a month. How is that even possible? I can’t remember what it was like to have her as a baby (which is probably a good thing since I do know that it was a very sleep deprived year).

Lately she’s rediscovered some of her baby things, like the Graco Entertainer we had in the garage and her old infant bath tub (which sucks for bathing slippery babies so don’t buy that one). She’s been asking to play with them on a daily basis, which is quite funny because while she still fits in them, but she looks HUGE compared to when she used them months ago.

Oh, it goes by fast.

We’ve been on vacation. Sort of. As much as there can be with a 16 month old around, and if you consider going to the grandparent’s house a vacation. It’s been a good couple of weeks! And really, I’ve just been preoccupied with important things like family and fun in the sun (and maybe some reading?).

So let’s back track, shall we? Saturday the 14th was Kaylee’s birthday party, which went very well. We got there a tiny bit earlier than the rest of the crowd so Kaylee and I got some sweet one-on-one time. She begged to open my gifts right away but her Mommy said no, of course. And when she did finally get to open them, she could care less about the PJ’s and book, but one day she will. Mark’s parents take the price at THE favorite gift ever: a Cinderella doll with jelly clothes. Her cake was a Strawberry Shortcake (the character) in a pink Cinderella dress. Oh, she’s funny. And of course, we ended the day with our famous kissy picture (and she loved it!).

After the party we (me and Savannah) rode home with my parents to start our get-a-way. We had many new adventures that week including a trip to the pool, a ride in a mustang convertible (top down, of course. Where she learned to say..CAR! Go bye bye!), and a visit to the kid’s interactive museum. She loved wearing the mini-Japanese Kimono in the Japan section. She drove a bus and a little car her size. She was a pirate and painted some water master pieces outside. My Stepmom and I built a house for her out of HUGE lego blocks (thanks to the help of some random kid, too). My brother and sister played a game of GIANT Connect four. We all banged on drums and other instruments. It was so, so, so fun and we all had a blast.

And then, my wonderful husband showed up at our door with roses in his hand Thursday night to surprise us! I was expecting to not see him until Sunday, when he would meet with my parents some where half way the distance. Boy, he had me surprised! He worked his booty off at work so that he could make up the hours he was going to take off for Friday. What a sweet, sweet man I have :-) And it’s nice to know my presence is missed when I’m not around.

And now? We’re all back home together. I came home to a clean house thanks to my husband and he created me my own little reading nook in his game room so that we could enjoy the room together. Ya know, do separate things but still be together? It works for us. I’ve also been super productive and my laundry is NOT in unmanagable piles, or all over the floor. I’ve made my bed every day, showered and brushed my teeth at appropriate times (rather than be stinky all morning until nap time to do it). I’ve maintained our clean house and made dinner several nights. Oh…and I’ve been walking a mile every morning. Whoa! I feel really good all around.

Get-a-ways are refreshing and I feel like I’ve come home to a new start. I like my new routine, it makes me feel like how a mom should feel–active, productive, completely in love with my kid and my husband, and on top on things. Of course, I am still human so I’m sure I’ll have my share of one of those days soon enough. Don’t feel bad, Moms, today I’ve got everything under control but who knows what tomorrow will bring? That’s life. We have good and bad days.

Today? Is good.

(Now if only I could motivate my self to start spending time with God again….hmmm…)

I mentioned earlier that I’ve read 3 books so far and I had to share what I’ve learned. It’s amazes how stories help reveal things in your own life.

The best so far was “A Time to Dance” by Karen Kingsbury (Any book by her you can’t go wrong, she’s amazing). It’s about a married couple on the brink of divorce and how God brought them back together when they thought it was too late. I have to admit, at times it made me angry to read and watch how silly they were being. Not speaking to each other or when they did it was rudely, or didn’t listen to what the other was trying to say, one character was practically cheating on the other, ignoring God, etc. And yet they both obviously still loved one another. It made me realize that often that is me (not cheating or anything serious!). Whether it’s being too busy sitting here blogging or reading other’s blogs to spend time with Mark some nights, or saying something without thinking, it can put a wedge between us that eventually could build up to be worse if not addressed. Thankfully, Mark is pretty good about being honest and up front about issues like that. It made me see how truly painful divorce can be and that I never, ever want to experience that first hand. It’s made me very thankful for the man I married and work harder to be the best wife I can be.

It also reflected my relationship with God at times (more often that I’d like), where clearly He knows the right path for my life and yet I keep ignoring Him and His commands. As I was reading it was like seeing life through God’s eyes almost…knowing what could be if they would just accept it and not letting pride get in the way. I also felt like God does sometimes when looking down at his people making the wrong choices. Angry, sad, and hurt. Thankfully, they did accept God’s truth and ways in the end and things turned out with lessons learned and blessings just as God promises for our lives.

I’m looking forward to reading the sequel, “A Time to Embrace” as soon as it arrives at my library.

I haven’t posted anything about our money stresses because well…anybody could read my blog and that’s not something everyone needs to know! But, I just have to share this and how faithful God is.  Let’s just say I didn’t know if I would be able to go back to school this fall, let alone pay for Savannah’s diapers.  As our funds lowered, I was getting more scared and stressed. Job opportunities for me weren’t working out, the government stimulus check was taking forever to get here, then Mark has a car accident on top of all this, etc.

Last night nearly in tears I began my search for scholarships, almost began writing some essays that never win, when I decided to check my school account just in case. And there it was: money waiting for me to accept from the government. Let’s just say between the money Mark and I will receive for school and from his job, it not only provides enough to pay for college but also for me to be able to stay at home with Savannah for the summer and through the school year (when I’m not in classes, of course).  God is so good!

Literally, I think God was waiting for me to just stop and trust when there was nothing left.  I knew He would provide, but it just took longer than I thought!  All in God’s own time.  I’m so, so thankful and grateful for His blessings on our little family.  He knew our desires, He knew our stresses, and He took the burden off and provided as He promises. Praises to God.

I’m very content with where I am right now, right where I need to be, at home with my girl.  Obviously, getting priorities straight helps out in life. Thank you, God, for always being there when I return.

—-

P.S. Mark’s Mom is fine. Swelling and bruising more by the second but she’s still in good spirits and got the good news that there were no broken bones or conclusion. She’s just got to let it heal.

First off, Happy Mother’s Day everyone! I hope it’s been a great day of pampering and loving on your own mom and/or getting pampered and honored yourself! My family certainly has done a lot for me this weekend, with beautiful flowers and funny cards, but certainly the high light has been my experience with Birth Mom Buds.

It’s funny how in such a short amount of time, less than 24 hours, you can make so many new connections and quickly come to feel as if you’ve known people forever. It’s a wonderful feeling to instantly “click” with people, which I feel is the hand of God at work giving us the blessing as a whole to be able to support each other. It was such an up lifting, fun filled, emotional and transparent 24 hours.

For me, the fun started Friday night as my Mom drove into town and we met up with 5 other ladies (all birth moms but one, one being the lovely Coley who is Bmom Bud’s Founder). It was my first time meeting these ladies face to face, so I was a bit shy and nervous but thankfully there were some outgoing personalities in our group! Dinner was the most amazing meal I’ve eaten in a long time. Like, Food Network top chief quality with the beautiful presentation and everything. Yum. It was a good time to get to know each other a bit more, hear about their stories, share my own and realize how it really can be a small world.

The next day the official Birth Mother’s Day Event started in the morning, where we were immediately greeted with gift bags (and the whole day was filled with give aways!). We all introduced ourselves with a brief telling of who we are, our children, type of adoption, etc. Everyone had their own story and experiences, from 20 year old children in closed adoptions to only 2 months post placement. It was really neat to see that we all have differences but our choice in adoption brings us together and that unifying experience leads us to help and lean on each other.

We had breakout sessions, one which I lead about journaling about how it can be a great tool for dealing with grief, stress, etc. It went really well and there was some great interaction with others and creative production of poems going on! Another successful speaking event = check!

After our (yummy) lunch we wrote a short prayer/note for our children, tied it to a balloon and let them float to heaven. I released on in honor of Kaylee and for my friend’s daughter, Eden (hi Bre!). Then we listened to several great speakers, one was an adult adoptee that was in a closed adoption but now has been reunited and what that was like. It was really, really validating to hear from the mouth of an adoptee that she is okay and that she is so, so thankful for what her birth mother did for her. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear those words from own daughter’s mouth, but it will be a glorious day if/when she does. Not that I have any doubts in my heart or mind that I did the wrong thing, but to hear from her that I did and her accepting that in her heart and mind, that will be powerful. One of the other speakers was Robyn who had a closed adoption and recently reunited with her son after 19 years. It was a tough story to listen to, but so inspiring as well.

We watched the famous Birth Mom Buds slide show, and then later gathered in a circle to light candles in honor of our children while saying a prayer for them. It was beautiful to see so many women standing together pouring out their hearts in love and willing to be transparent with each other. Not just in this circle, but throughout the whole day.

It was hard to say goodbye, I really did not want the fun and closeness to end. I believe some one said at some point that it was a place filled with love, and it certainly was! On my home a song came on the radio called, “Be still and Know I’m Here” and while this is a Christian song meant to to be about God, I felt it captured this weekend’s experience perfectly. Towards the end of the song, it repeats” We are not alone” several times in such an up lifting way. As a birth mother, I don’t often come in face to face contact with others that share my experience, joys and pain of adoption. But that 24 hours? Was one where it became a reality that there are others out there (and in my own city!) that know what it’s like and we can lean on each other. We are not alone.

So, if anyone is reading this from Birth Mom Buds that I met this weekend, this is a huge thanks to all of you and how wonderful you made this weekend for me. I look forward to our next meeting, and I hope it will be soon! And of course, thanks to my Mom for making it financially possible to attend, giving me encouragement and making this weekend even more special with her presence.

Next from Momma O: A Mother’s Day post.

Being sick is no fun. Unfortunately, 3 out of the 5 members of our household have had this stomach bug we’ve been passing around. Who wants to bet the other 2 will get it next? Hopefully not, if they’re lucky. And Savannah? Well she started with this stomach bug last week and now has a double ear infection. My poor, poor girl.

But I have to say, I’ve benefited a lot from Savannah being sick. I’ve been able to enjoy a lot of sweet moments with my snuggly little girl. I know the feeling. When I was sick yesterday I just wanted to snuggle and feel loved (and also not move any part of me cause that resulted in extreme nausea!). So, I’m glad that my little girl finds that trust and love in me so she comes to me for comfort.

There has been plenty of moments when rocking her to sleep she’ll reach her sweet little hand up and comb her fingers through my hair ever-so-gently. Or, she’ll giggle as I touch her eye as she points at mine (she loves learning about facial features!). Even at 4:30 am when she calls out for me to just hold her, I’m happy to oblige to her request (trust me, I wasn’t so happy about the wake up calls when she was an infant and I was completely sleep deprived). One early 4:30 morning she wanted to snuggle in the bed with me, which she hasn’t done since she was younger and we were still breastfeeding and we would drift off to sleep together. Now if you bring her to bed she thinks it play time, but that morning I soaked up that snuggle time like it used to be. Her Daddy was even jealous that I got that time with her!

This is what being a Mom is all about. And while having contracted the sickness myself has been no fun, it’s well worth it knowing that Savannah was and is taken care of. I used to not “get” how Mom’s could handle all the poop, puke, and other yucky stuff but I understand now. Sometimes you just do what you have to do. Why? Because you love them. And I do, I love Savannah with all my being and it is my joy to take care of her no matter what.

This is what being a Mom is all about. Gosh, I love her.

One of the greatest things about a child turning 1 year old: no more formulas or bottles. Really, I don’t know why I was so nervous about the switch from babyhood to toddlerhood because honestly? Right now? It’s so much easier and even more enjoyable! I don’t have to keep up with the constant bottle washing after naps and bed time (the kind we own have several parts to wash/put together. It’s worth it for less spit up), buy ridiculously priced formula, and it’s so nice to just put her to bed without worrying, “I need a bottle!” (for her…not me).

And it’s not that she wasn’t a great baby and I didn’t enjoy her back then, but now she’s got such a great personality that keeps us laughing all day long. She doesn’t just sit in my lap, content where ever. I love that she choses to sit in my lap and snuggle. And ya know, sleeping through the night (for the most part) is a wonderful plus compared to this time last year.

However, Savannah hasn’t taken the change quit so smoothly. The child hates cow’s milk. And as most parents know, about at the age of 1 comes the switch-a-roo from formula to cow’s milk. I’ve tried everything and she tolerated it at first when it was mostly formula in a bottle, but things quickly went down hill. I’ve tried warming it, flavoring it, mixing it with formula again. No go. But, at least it made her not want a bottle at all, so now they’re all gone and she didn’t even care.

Though, I shouldn’t be surprised she hates milk because neither Mark or I like milk either. Therefore, I don’t want to push the milk issue on her because I know I wouldn’t want to drink it. So, what about the issue of needing calcium and vitamin D (I’ve also asked the Dr. this)? Our solution: Calcium fortified OJ. We like Minute Maid’s version for kids because it has extra vitamins. Hint: I drink it as well because I need those nutrients, too.

It’s also a good thing the girl loves her some yogurt. As well as cheese (which neither Mark or I like either, so we’ll see if that passes on to her eventually, too). She can always eat yogurt, it’s her favorite. She can even recognize it and say, “Go-gurt?”

Want some?

(Clearly, we’re still working on the self feeding with a spoon thing. I don’t mind the mess, it’s too cute to watch her learn!)

Last night’s speech went really well. In fact, it went extremely well and I couldn’t be more proud of how well it went! Of course, I didn’t have much part in putting it all together (the group did a great job of that!), I was just there to tell my story. My speech was pretty much the Smom entry I posted previously, except I added a part about my adoption story.

The group of ladies we presented to were from a local maternity home, not the one I went to though. Many had already had their children and some were still pregnant. The ages varied, the level of educations varied. You could tell they all been through a lot and had their own stories to tell.

One woman in particular seemed really interested in what we had to say. I noticed her crying when I told of my adoption story and how that was one way I was able to continue my high school education. She came up afterward and told me that she is considering adoption and it meant a lot to her that I had shared my story. She had lots of questions about going back to school and seemed amazed at how much help and the opportunities there are. It was really encouraging to be apart of. I really, truly hope that that woman and the other ladies there found something to be encouraged by and take any opportunity they can to better their life and their child’s through education.

As some one said last night…“I truly believe the things most worth while require the most work.” Amen. Isn’t that the truth with just about anything in life?

And not to gloat any more than I have, but I’m just really proud of myself! I’m a very shy person and some how I found the voice I needed. People could hear me, I didn’t shake or act nervous. I didn’t jumble up my words. I made eye-contact, I made jokes. It was a whole 20 minutes of just me speaking. And that, is quite an amazing accomplishment for this shy girl. God was definitely there with us last night.

I’ll be praying for these ladies, I hope something powerful kicked in last night and doors were opened to better their futures.

I guess I’m back from my hiatus. I’ve had people emailing asking where I’ve been and are all worried, how sweet! I’m not completely sure why the thought of writing has been unappealing lately. Just thinking of hitting the “Write” button on my WordPress screen was nauseating. I couldn’t think of what to write, what to say. I don’t even wanted to look at my blog stats, they’ve probably gone way down hill. Why this sudden lack of passion for the one thing I truly am passionate about? I have my ideas.

Perhaps it’s because life is just busy. We’ve been out of town, dealt with a death of a cat, had tests to study for, laundry to do and baths to give. But the past years I’ve been blogging, that’s never stopped me, I’ve always made time for my love of writing. I can count these as an excuse, but they’re not good ones. So what’s at the root?

I believe that my writing talent and passion comes from God. It’s a gift He gave me from my childhood but started really developing when I was pregnant with Kaylee. Which, I don’t find surprising is the same time that I truly came to know Christ. When I write I feel like it’s because He’s allowed me have those ideas, feelings, images and expressions. When I’m feeling close to Him, the writing and passion flows. When I’m distant from Him, it feels like He with-holds that gift. My mind just feels blank, empty. As does my heart.

Why do I let myself distance myself? I know that life is so much better, passionate, joyful, peaceful, and everything wonderful He created life to be when He’s in my life.

On our way to visit family for Easter, I was bored in the car and decided to pull out my Bible (which, I honestly hardly touch unless I’m a church, I’m horrible. Good thing I had left it in the car after last Sunday). I was flipping around in Old Testament because I rarely read from that section, especially the odd named ones I’d never heard of. So I come across the book of Haggai and found this in Chapter 1:

9 “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the LORD Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house. 10 Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth its crops. 11 I called for a drought on the fields and the mountains, on the grain, the new wine, the olive oil and everything else the ground produces, on people and livestock, and on all the labor of your hands.”

(Today’s New International Version, italics added by me to emphasize what hit me the most)

It struck a heart cord. It made sense. It was like God pointing at this verse with His mightly finger and saying, “See, Leah, this is why you feel empty and your gift is dried up. I love you, but you’ve got to work on some things!” Obviously, my priorities are screwed up. Like these people back in 500 B.C., I have been working on building my own house, my own life desires, scheduling my own agenda. In short: I’m selfish (aren’t we all?). I’ve reached the point I hardly pray anymore. We didn’t attend church for nearly 6 weeks (for many good reasons, but still, it’s lacking had it’s effects!). When we came back to church we felt out of place again where we once felt at home. We didn’t “feel” like singing the songs. What’s going on with us?

I don’t know what’s holding me back inside, but I need me to release it. I need my passion back, not just for writing, but my passion for Christ. Not just for my own life, but to inspires the lives of others. This Saturday I am giving the speech to young ladies about continuing education. I cannot have the right words or the confidence this shy girl desperately needs without Him working through me.

But, at least I’m breaking the silence. It’s better not to hide in misery. So here I am, asking you to support us with prayers (and any advice?). Prayers would be wonderful right now, Mark and I are both out of place. Something is missing and for some reason we’re holding back from The One answer.

Today’s been a good day. It finally felt like spring, the weather was perfect. My Spanish class let out early so I actually had time for lunch, where I grabbed some Chic-fil-a and sat outside enjoying the sun. I even wrote a poem about spring while I ate, perhaps I’ll share it later.

Basically, I feel renewed.  Like spring is a time of renewal, my soul feels it, too.  Just yesterday I was complaining about not wanting to finish school, let alone finish my homework (don’t worry Dad and Grandpa, I’m not quiting!).  And today gave me the motivation I needed.

I’m pumped about my talents and future right now. I feel like those Reebok tennis shoes that you pump air before you go play basketball or run (Remember those?) for a custom fit. Well, I’m working on my custom fit and feeling good about the direction, ready for life. It’s encouraging to see people turning to me to share my experiences and help others (the education/pregnancy speech, and now an opportunity to share about my love for writing). It’s encouraging that a teacher much older and more experienced than I can tell me that I’m a great writer and to bounce ideas off of her only to better it. It’s encouraging that my work was chosen to be shared with our English class. And, they liked it! They discovered deep things about it I didn’t even try to do. That feels really good.

And my sweet toddler girl?  Definitely worth coming home to, her smile and giggles are enough to melt the winter cold any day.

There’s just a peace in today that I’m heading in the right direction. Life is good. God is amazing.  My arms are spread open, ready for opportunities.Take a deep breathe of spring.