Can we get some praise on up in here?

2012 I deemed the year of healing, and its moving right along in that direction. And its only January 26th. God is good. I love that sometimes you simply have to ask and be willing to take a step forward and He will answer.

Soul healing wise, I feel God moving and changing me already. And counseling so far? I’ve only been three times, but already God is using it to bring peace and understanding. Do you know how freeing that is? He’s not only used it to help understand decisions in my own life, but for Mark as well. He hasn’t gone with me (yet), but the things I’ve uncovered about my life are connected to his life, too. Its neat to see how God is speaking through this time and also using it to grow Mark and I closer.

Also, while this wasn’t exactly on my mind when I talked about healing before, God has answered it none-the-less. Jaxson is out growing his food allergies! He (WE! Because we are still nursing and loving it) can eat dairy now all we want.  I’ve had it in my diet for over a month now pretty consistently every day and no rashes have appeared or an upset tummy. Then, one day I experimented with him eating some yogurt in a smoothie. Nothing. Then yogurt straight out of the container. Nothing. Its been over 3 weeks now and I’m pretty sure his body has decided dairy isn’t all that bad. I still haven’t tried milk as a drink or given him cheese directly, but we’ll get there. Soy also doesn’t seem to bother him all of sudden either (which is great since its in everything, it seems). I haven’t tried nuts yet or eggs (although I still eat eggs baked in things occasionally, like a cookie last night, and there was no reaction). I know its common for food allergies to be out grown around 1 year old and I’m praising God we seem to be following in that pattern. It was just about 1 year ago his rashes started popping up out of no where, and I’m grateful that this year we conquered them and his cheeks are silky smooth as they should be!

So, mommas that have dealt with allergies while nursing or food allergies in general…have hope. Sure, allergies won’t always disappear but have hope that you can at least get them under control with a little change :-)

Any praise reports in your life? Big, small. Its all God loving on you. Soak it in.

Strangely, yes, I am thankful for tough times. I know that sounds weird, who likes to go through a rough patch in life or have a bad day? I don’t. But in hindsight I am thankful for them because they stretch and grow me in new ways.  They build character. They refine me, like a a fire purifying gold. And ultimately, they draw me closer to God. That’s the best part.

Today has been one of those days.

Granted, I know I am blessed in that my life could be far worse than it is but little things are getting me down today, from issues going on within my marriage to the fact that Jaxson’s birthday is in a week….I’m an emotional wreck today. I feel blue (I’m sure hormones are adding to the emotional equation as my body is still going through transitions thanks to breastfeeding). I feel hopeless at times about certain things in life. I’m questioning God and His timing. I’m re-living the emotions I felt a year ago.

I’m a person that loves to reminisce and treasures silly things like ticket stubs, just so I can remember what movie I saw at what time and with who. Birthdays are like looking at a ticket stub to me. They suddenly rush back memories, good and bad. Of how and where I spent my day, first moments, emotions, frustrations, things I would change or wish I could re-live. The one thing that has brought tears more than once today is knowing that a year ago tonight, right now, I was in labor with Jaxson…and I miss it. A labor that started on its own on his due date, accelerated me to 6cm dilated and quit. Stopped. I consider this night the beginning of my birth experience, because after all, it was real contractions and real progress but that just happened to hit pause and left me hanging with a “To Be Continued” sign until a week later. It left me grieving the birth I didn’t have yet, it left me angry and confused. But yet, it left me having no where else to turn but to God for comfort. I look back at the blog post I wrote a few days after my stalled labor and again feel that deep disappointment and confusion, but I can also see a humble strength while I cried on my knees. And then, just a few days later I see a renewed strength and growth that only God could have given me. I can see how God used that time to draw me into His arms and love on me, urging me to trust Him. Just like in the many hard times I’ve had in my life whether small moments like this, or large ones like like my adoption experience or miscarriage, He’s always taught me things through them.

I know its silly that, not only am I crying about missing his birth experience, but the fact that his actual birthday is a week away! Tonight I’m trusting He’ll use my grief again and teach me something…and turn this birthday grieving into celebration of his birth and joy for the awesome little guy Jaxson is today one year later.

And, I’m trusting He’ll bless me with the experience of another natural birth in the future :-)

So often I doubt myself as a Mom, like I’m not doing enough…not trying hard enough.

To control my temper and instead respond to Savannah with a gentle answer.

She watches too much TV.

Doesn’t eat enough fruits and veggies and instead eats too many sweets.

I forget to start our day in prayer, or even give thanks before our meals.

I don’t discipline her consistently.

I don’t make the time to just sit and play with her each day.

I don’t make the effort to do crafts with her (not that that is a mom requirement! But we both love crafts, WHY don’t I do more with her?)

I don’t spend time in the Bible with her each day.

But then, there are moments that make me realize I don’t give myself enough credit for what I do, like this one today. In the car she had me turn off the radio and paused her DVD player (again with the too much TV!) so she could excitedly say:

“Mom! Last night I had a really bad dream that a lobster came alive and was trying to snap me! But then, I prayed to Jesus and He gave me a good dream.”

Sure, I may not pray before meals, but we say a heartfelt prayer before bed each night, dishing out our worries and thanks to God (praying for a gentle answer, patience, joy, and love between us is a common prayer!) .  When she wakes up with a bad dream I always say a prayer with her for comfort. We talk about God throughout our days, because ultimately life around us always points back to Him. I make it a priority (now) to get our family to church when we can. That’s something.

And really, isn’t that what this motherhood journey is about? For me, the fact that Savannah’s heart is fill with God’s love is top priority. Who cares how many crafts we do or if the food she eats is organic if she knows God. If she can truly know God personally from an early age, and see God in me, the rest will outflow. I find comfort knowing that she is soaking up good things even if I don’t feel qualified at times due to my own sinful, selfish words and actions. Of course, there is always room for improvement in my life…

….but sometimes I need to look past all the I don’ts and open my eyes to the I do’s.

Those doubts aren’t from God, quite the opposite.

I am good enough.

So are you.

I’ll admit, I spent all day Sunday crying my eyes out after my labor stopped Saturday morning and obviously has not picked back up yet.  I kept thinking, “But it was REAL! I dilated 2cm! I had real contractions! I should be holding my baby right now!” and then I would start crying all over again.  I realize now that I needed to grieve that birth I felt I should have had on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was very, very real and emotionally it has been difficult to move past the thought that I did something wrong, that I should have done something more to keep the contractions going, etc. But, after “grieving” what felt like a loss,  I’ve got a new perspective. Yes, it stinks that I’m not holding my new baby boy right now and my family all drove hours without getting to meet him before having to leave again, but my eyes have been opened to realize things about this birth when it really does happen.

1) I learned what real contractions feel like (or, at least much more real contractions than I’ve had before). Oh yes, they feel very different from all the prelabor contractions I’ve had in the past 3 weeks. From the first one I felt at the mall checking out Chicfila, I could tell it was different. Prelabor for me was period type cramps with random tightening and felt more like braxton hicks. Real labor for me feels like extreme tightening moving from the top of my legs up my belly and definitely had the “wave” and “peaks” that people talk about. However, I wouldn’t call it pain. I am choosing to believe that childbirth doesn’t have to be the excruciating painful thing that people portray it to be if I let go of that fear and relax with it. It was uncomfortable, yes (I didn’t want to move during them) but it just felt like EXTREME tightening running up my belly. I also learned my belly even shapes differently. Braxton hicks looks more like a basketball and round, real ones my belly squares out some. I’m glad to know the difference now, so I will know when it’s real next time.

2) I learned how I handle the contractions. I’ve been reading about Hypnobirthing and using relaxing CD’s, along with my faith in God, to prepare for labor and got to use them on Friday. It was so incredibly helpful! My favorite is Comfort Zone by Steve Halpern, it seriously can put me to sleep (or at least in a deep relaxation) any time, even during contractions. Mark told me afterward that at one point he looked over while I was in the birthing tub that I looked so relaxed he was afraid I’d fall asleep and drown!  Sure, I hadn’t got to the transition phase yet so things weren’t too intense but it felt good to know that I can relax and just trust my body through contractions.

3) I learned that I don’t need much support during labor (again, it may be different during transition/pushing phase). While laboring I just wanted to be alone! I wanted the lights to be dim, to put my headphones in and walk around the room or be in the tub.  Mark was actually in the room sleeping the majority of the time (as was my Mom in the waiting room) and the midwife would come in every hour to check how I was doing and Jaxson’s heartbeat.  This is a huge change to me because I felt like before I would need lots of support and advice of what to do to help manage, but I was totally okay and new instinctively what I needed to try. And that feels pretty good to have a sneak peak to boost my confidence even more to know I can do this!

4) I got to know my midwife more personally and how things work at the birthing center. Enough said. It was a fantastic experience of the 12 hours I was there. I can’t wait for “Part II” of labor, it was such a relaxing environment for everyone there.

5) I also learned that I only want Mark and my midwife in the room when I actually deliver Jaxson. I thought I wanted or needed lots of people, like my Mom, Stepmom (they’ve been to my past births), and even a photographer. But, I realized that this is such an intimate time. Not just exposing very personal body parts, but emotionally this birth will be hugely different than when Kaylee or Savannah were born. I can’t explain why it’s different, but it is. Best put, it just feels intimate and like it’s something special for just Mark and I as a married couple to be welcoming our child into the world after so much work (versus just laying in a hospital bed waiting for the doctor to tell me to push).

6) I hate to admit this, but before last Friday I wasn’t sure Mark would know what to do when I went into labor because we haven’t had a baby this way before.  Friday (and this past 5 days in general) has shown me that he is perfectly capable of knowing what needs to be done and listening to my needs. He has been such an incredible support emotionally and physically, I’m so blessed to have him!

7) I learned to trust my body, baby, and God…that if it stalled there must be a reason for it (I still struggle with this in some moments, but peace quickly fills my doubts when I bring the worries to God again). I may never know why it stalled, but at least it was a learning experience on so many levels :-) Spiritually God has taught me so much in this waiting time, He has used this time to draw me closer to Him and it has also been a huge bonding experience for Mark and I.

Like I said, of course, I wish I was holding Jax right now. But I’m glad that in this waiting time, although frustrating and heartbreaking at moments, it has taught me important lessons and most importantly grown my faith stronger than its been in a long time.  This will all be worth it in the end, right?

P.S. 5 days over due at this point and going for a nonstress test this afternoon. Praying that I get see Jax’s sweet face on an ultrasound, that would make this waiting slightly more bearable :-)

When I was pregnant with Kaylee and Savannah, I didn’t have a wedding ring on my finger. I was still a teenager. In one case, I hadn’t finished high school, in the other I hadn’t finished college. I didn’t have much money, my own house to live in, a permanent job. Walking around school, work, the mall, whenever, I felt shame. I knew people were looking at me wondering how old I was. I knew they were looking at my finger for a ring. Maybe it was all in my head, but I also know how judgmental people can be, especially with people they barely know. My belly felt like a giant red A on my chest (The Scarlet Letter, anyone?) I was a teenager that had had sex and it was obvious.

I hid it from my peers at school and co-workers until around 16 weeks when people  finally asked me, “Are you pregnant?” No one was ever mean to me to my face about it and were supportive, but I still felt people were judging me by my belly and not knowing who I really was. This choice wasn’t me, it was just a choice.

This time? My belly isn’t shameful, I’m proud of it. I love it. I wanted to show off my tiny bump at 5 weeks. I wanted to show off pictures and talk about my pregnancy with the other students I had classes with. Maybe it’s that I’m a little bit older at 22, maybe it’s the fact that I’m married to a wonderful husband, that we have our own house, that we have a steady income and I know we can provide.  Maybe it’s that I’ve done this before at 19 and if I can make it then, I can certainly make it now. Maybe I am just more confident in who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my belly with Kaylee and Savannah too. I absolutely love being pregnant, the changing body that comes with it, and I adored my little girls from the moment I knew they were on their way. It’s just socially, I feel different. I feel like I’m in a place that is more “acceptable” rather than shameful. I feel like I can show off my belly and be proud rather than worry what others think.

I think it shows.

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m burned out.  I started writing years ago at 16 as an escape, in a sense. To get words and feelings out, to share memories and experiences. To share them with others with the hope that they too could relate, or at least see a glimpse of what the real me is like.  After I was saw friends starting and designing their own blogs, the popularity of it, the opportunities it provided for them, I wanted in on that too.  And I did, for a while.  My little blog was booming for the past year with lots of free stuff, a small amount of income from the ads, lots of viewers to lift my spirits…until the dreaded recent Christmas silence and my viewers have dropped like flies.  I’ll be honest (again), it’s hurt.

And that in itself says a lot, that I care too much.  That my blogging has become about the popularity, recognition, status, pride, whatever. Everything that it didn’t start out to be, or should be.  In turn, I’m left feeling like I have to blog to keep viewers coming.  Writing has become like a third job to me, like I have to do it.  That’s not what it should be, folks!  This should be my creative outlet, not a dreaded chore.

The past few church services we’ve been to have spoke to me in this area, about what I cling onto. We’ve been learning the difference between false treasure and true treasure–True Treasure of Christ vs. what society considers treasure.  We’ve also talked about God leading us into “the wilderness” (aka hard times such as the economy status now) and how it’s not to kill us, but for us to truly seek Him above all, trust Him, and redirect our life though we don’t understand.

I know you’re wondering what this has to do with blogging. Well for me, the sudden and huge drop in viewers, along with my precious computer dying (that I cried over. Again, I care too much),  it feels like God saying–”Hey! You’re clinging on to that–not me!” And, He’s right.  The time I spend on the computer (writing or not), could be precious and meaningful time with God. So through the crashes, I’m asking for that redirection and relearning where priorities should lie. I truly, truly believe that God gave me the gift of writing when I became a Christian at 16.  I also believe that He gives and takes away. He has taken away this passion for now (as I’ve written about this before), which is why I think I feel burned out with it right now. My heart is not in the right place for it, his gifts are to serve and glorify Him, not myself.  It’s not about the number of views a day, the amount of my check from BlogHer Ads, how cool my website looks. My writing, my life should all point back to Him.

So, I’ve been contemplating about what to do with this blog.  I do pay for it, so it makes no sense to just keep paying without using it. But, I also don’t want to keep writing just to write and I want take the hint from God to back off. I want to write because I’m inspired to write.  I want to write with meaning, not write about shallow stuff. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to just shut down, but I am going to take another break.  Who knows how long, I’m not setting a limit like last time.  The catch is this: I’ll only write because I want to write, or feel lead to, not when I feel obligated (besides the reviews I do).

So there’s my redirection: Following God into a closer relationship with Him, where ever that may take me, and in doing so putting meaning into my writing again.  I find when I’m close with God, my writing is all the better.  He is truly something to write about as I experiences this walk.  I’ll get there. We’ll get there.

This was taken from one of our service’s notes and I wanted to share it with you guys. It’s my inspiration right now as I’m seeking True Treasure in my life. I used my digital scrapbooking skills to make it pretty and print it out to remind myself what life (and blogging) is really about.

Alright, I finally have a chance to just sit and breathe and write.  Between the crazy end-of-school semester demands, traveling, and now a sick Savannah, it’s been hectic around here. And it will only get worse.  Which, is why I’m glad I took a week off to figure out what is really important in my life right now and refocus things.

First of all, I’ve loved reading all your comments of encouragement and knowing that there are others who struggle with time management as well.  I’m glad that God used this blog to reach others and remind us all where and how we should be spending our time and talents.

Things I learned this week from staying off the computer except when needed:

1. Holy cow I can get so much more done! I was able to get the house cleaned, loads of over-due laundry done, pack for my trip, etc. I felt so much more productive and efficient.

2. Gosh, I love my little girl. Not that I needed time off to learn that, but rather I was reminded how amazing she is and to treasure it more.  We turned off the TV for most of the day, watching way less than before and playing out side if it was warm enough.  So, therefore we spent more time bonding and making goofy games and just having fun.

But sadly, that was about the extent of my effort.  I tried to go to bed earlier and spend some time reading the Bible before bed but that only lasted for a night or two.  I felt no closer to God than before, as He was just an after thought after my day was done and I hardly remembered to even pray before I went to sleep because I was just too exhausted.

Today though, I set my alarm to get up for school 15 minutes early so that I could use those few minutes for some quiet time between me and God in the mornings.  What a difference it makes to start you day with God!  I felt like I started my day on the right track and I felt much more connected with Him throughout the day.   I highly recommend sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to spend time in His word and devoting each day to His glory.

In fact, I feel motivated now to start waking up every day at 6am, even when I don’t have to, so that I can always get that time with God and start my day productively. If you know me, this is totally not me. It must be a “God thing” (as Victoria would say, which deserves a whole post devoted to our visit! Coming soon).  I am a girl who likes her sleep and likes to sleep in whenever possible, so to want to give up that precious sleep to be near God is not of me. And I’m so thankful for that.

So, that’s really my week in a nutshell. Improvements, disappointments in myself, but God is still working on me (and always will be, I suppose!).  I’m just glad to be starting some where, not matter how small the start, and taking action against the sloth my life was becoming. I want to live!

What do you do to keep your priorities in line?

A quiet conviction has been stirring in my heart recently, it’s been eating away at my soul and slowly I’ve reached a point I must do something.  See, we’ve been attending church the past 3 Sundays (which, is a record since school started back…) and each message has convicted me of how I use my time, talents, my parenting skills, money, etc. Especially last Sunday, it was a message about stewardship and how we are managers of the gifts God has given us. Not just money, but time.  And that right there is at the core of what’s eating at me today.

Let me share humbly with you of how a day typically looks at in my house right now when I’m not at school:

Savannah wakes up around 8, therefore so do I.  We eat breakfast together and then we go back up stairs, turn on the TV and she watches one of the various children shows while I check all my online “stuff.”  We do this for hours, until we take our showers, eat lunch, and then she goes to take a nap.  I then check all my online stuff yet again, getting distracted from my home duties like laundry and homework for school.  When Savannah wakes up we eat a snack and play, but eventually she’ll demand to watch “Princess” shows again.  When Mark is home, he gets sucked into xbox games.  I’m sucked into checking my online stuff, and Savannah demands to watch more DVD’s.  When Savannah goes to bed, Mark and I are doing the same ol’ thing to the point that it’s way past our bedtime, we didn’t make time for God what so ever, let alone for time as a couple. We get to bed at 11, exhausted and hardly even wanting to have a conversation.

Sure, some days we get out of the house and go play at the park and have more family time. But, do you see the issues here, as I do?  Electronics are tearing apart my family.  We let Savannah watch WAY too much TV for an not-even-a 2-year-old and that kills me. I’m too sucked into my own “need” and addiction of the computer that I’m not being the best parent or wife I can be.  In turn, she’s starting to act out more for attention, understandable. I’m so wrapped up in reading about other people’s lives that I’m missing out on the best gift God has given me: My family.  I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of letting life go by with my staring at this screen all day.  I’m tired of not being connected to God and being an example of Christ to Savannah. I’m tired of not feeling connected with my own husband. It’s time for a change.

So what am I going to do?  I’m taking a break for a week.  Of course, there are some things I do need the computer for, like for schooling, my little letter business, and the reviews I do. But all the other “stuff” that just feed me information about other’s lives like Facebook, Flickr, Google Reader, etc? Even this blog, for a week, I want to put it aside and use the time I would be “checking stuff” to devote to raising my child the right way, building a relationship with my family again, and in general just figuring out how God wants me to use my time.  Continuing to live as I do now is leading me no where, but to bitterness and frustration. I want to live with the glory of God shining through me and everything I do, this is not the way.

Don’t think this is the end of my blog, it’s not.  I truly believe that God gave me my passion for writing as a gift and tool for His glory, but first I have to figure out (or rather, allow Him to show me) the best way to use it. And quite frankly, if I didn’t have this blog and writing, I would go insane! So, I know blogging does have a place in my life. If you need me, email me. But if not, I shall be back in a week, hopefully sharing some enlightful stories of how God is working in our lives. Have a wonderful week!

P.S. While I’m away I will be meeting the lovely Victoria next weekend! I am super stoked, as she is such an inspiration for a God filled life and just a sweat, dear friend to me.  Look for pictures and stories about that as well :-)

Photo Credit: Kwerner Design

I just realized that today marks the last “exciting” birthday that kids grow up looking forward to.

Exciting birthdays go something like this: I can’t wait to be 13, I’ll be a teenager! I can’t wait to be 16, I can drive then! I can’t wait to be 18, I’ll be a legal adult! And eventually: I can’t wait to be 21, I can buy alcohol! (Of course, hopefully 8 year old kids aren’t thinking that yet.) After 21 people tend to start dreading birthdays.

Birthdays are always a bittersweet thing for me. I’m excited to start another year with a bigger age attached to me in hopes that it’ll gain more respect. It’s another year gone by where I’ve learned and experienced more things that continue to make me who I am. But at the same time, it’s sad to know that each year that flips by is another one that pulls me away from my simpler childhood (which could actually be a good thing, but still).

Growing up is a weird, weird thing. Happy Birthday to me.

(P.S. Dad, I’ll eat a peice of turtle pie for you!)