As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m burned out.  I started writing years ago at 16 as an escape, in a sense. To get words and feelings out, to share memories and experiences. To share them with others with the hope that they too could relate, or at least see a glimpse of what the real me is like.  After I was saw friends starting and designing their own blogs, the popularity of it, the opportunities it provided for them, I wanted in on that too.  And I did, for a while.  My little blog was booming for the past year with lots of free stuff, a small amount of income from the ads, lots of viewers to lift my spirits…until the dreaded recent Christmas silence and my viewers have dropped like flies.  I’ll be honest (again), it’s hurt.

And that in itself says a lot, that I care too much.  That my blogging has become about the popularity, recognition, status, pride, whatever. Everything that it didn’t start out to be, or should be.  In turn, I’m left feeling like I have to blog to keep viewers coming.  Writing has become like a third job to me, like I have to do it.  That’s not what it should be, folks!  This should be my creative outlet, not a dreaded chore.

The past few church services we’ve been to have spoke to me in this area, about what I cling onto. We’ve been learning the difference between false treasure and true treasure–True Treasure of Christ vs. what society considers treasure.  We’ve also talked about God leading us into “the wilderness” (aka hard times such as the economy status now) and how it’s not to kill us, but for us to truly seek Him above all, trust Him, and redirect our life though we don’t understand.

I know you’re wondering what this has to do with blogging. Well for me, the sudden and huge drop in viewers, along with my precious computer dying (that I cried over. Again, I care too much),  it feels like God saying–”Hey! You’re clinging on to that–not me!” And, He’s right.  The time I spend on the computer (writing or not), could be precious and meaningful time with God. So through the crashes, I’m asking for that redirection and relearning where priorities should lie. I truly, truly believe that God gave me the gift of writing when I became a Christian at 16.  I also believe that He gives and takes away. He has taken away this passion for now (as I’ve written about this before), which is why I think I feel burned out with it right now. My heart is not in the right place for it, his gifts are to serve and glorify Him, not myself.  It’s not about the number of views a day, the amount of my check from BlogHer Ads, how cool my website looks. My writing, my life should all point back to Him.

So, I’ve been contemplating about what to do with this blog.  I do pay for it, so it makes no sense to just keep paying without using it. But, I also don’t want to keep writing just to write and I want take the hint from God to back off. I want to write because I’m inspired to write.  I want to write with meaning, not write about shallow stuff. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to just shut down, but I am going to take another break.  Who knows how long, I’m not setting a limit like last time.  The catch is this: I’ll only write because I want to write, or feel lead to, not when I feel obligated (besides the reviews I do).

So there’s my redirection: Following God into a closer relationship with Him, where ever that may take me, and in doing so putting meaning into my writing again.  I find when I’m close with God, my writing is all the better.  He is truly something to write about as I experiences this walk.  I’ll get there. We’ll get there.

This was taken from one of our service’s notes and I wanted to share it with you guys. It’s my inspiration right now as I’m seeking True Treasure in my life. I used my digital scrapbooking skills to make it pretty and print it out to remind myself what life (and blogging) is really about.

Alright, I finally have a chance to just sit and breathe and write.  Between the crazy end-of-school semester demands, traveling, and now a sick Savannah, it’s been hectic around here. And it will only get worse.  Which, is why I’m glad I took a week off to figure out what is really important in my life right now and refocus things.

First of all, I’ve loved reading all your comments of encouragement and knowing that there are others who struggle with time management as well.  I’m glad that God used this blog to reach others and remind us all where and how we should be spending our time and talents.

Things I learned this week from staying off the computer except when needed:

1. Holy cow I can get so much more done! I was able to get the house cleaned, loads of over-due laundry done, pack for my trip, etc. I felt so much more productive and efficient.

2. Gosh, I love my little girl. Not that I needed time off to learn that, but rather I was reminded how amazing she is and to treasure it more.  We turned off the TV for most of the day, watching way less than before and playing out side if it was warm enough.  So, therefore we spent more time bonding and making goofy games and just having fun.

But sadly, that was about the extent of my effort.  I tried to go to bed earlier and spend some time reading the Bible before bed but that only lasted for a night or two.  I felt no closer to God than before, as He was just an after thought after my day was done and I hardly remembered to even pray before I went to sleep because I was just too exhausted.

Today though, I set my alarm to get up for school 15 minutes early so that I could use those few minutes for some quiet time between me and God in the mornings.  What a difference it makes to start you day with God!  I felt like I started my day on the right track and I felt much more connected with Him throughout the day.   I highly recommend sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to spend time in His word and devoting each day to His glory.

In fact, I feel motivated now to start waking up every day at 6am, even when I don’t have to, so that I can always get that time with God and start my day productively. If you know me, this is totally not me. It must be a “God thing” (as Victoria would say, which deserves a whole post devoted to our visit! Coming soon).  I am a girl who likes her sleep and likes to sleep in whenever possible, so to want to give up that precious sleep to be near God is not of me. And I’m so thankful for that.

So, that’s really my week in a nutshell. Improvements, disappointments in myself, but God is still working on me (and always will be, I suppose!).  I’m just glad to be starting some where, not matter how small the start, and taking action against the sloth my life was becoming. I want to live!

What do you do to keep your priorities in line?

A quiet conviction has been stirring in my heart recently, it’s been eating away at my soul and slowly I’ve reached a point I must do something.  See, we’ve been attending church the past 3 Sundays (which, is a record since school started back…) and each message has convicted me of how I use my time, talents, my parenting skills, money, etc. Especially last Sunday, it was a message about stewardship and how we are managers of the gifts God has given us. Not just money, but time.  And that right there is at the core of what’s eating at me today.

Let me share humbly with you of how a day typically looks at in my house right now when I’m not at school:

Savannah wakes up around 8, therefore so do I.  We eat breakfast together and then we go back up stairs, turn on the TV and she watches one of the various children shows while I check all my online “stuff.”  We do this for hours, until we take our showers, eat lunch, and then she goes to take a nap.  I then check all my online stuff yet again, getting distracted from my home duties like laundry and homework for school.  When Savannah wakes up we eat a snack and play, but eventually she’ll demand to watch “Princess” shows again.  When Mark is home, he gets sucked into xbox games.  I’m sucked into checking my online stuff, and Savannah demands to watch more DVD’s.  When Savannah goes to bed, Mark and I are doing the same ol’ thing to the point that it’s way past our bedtime, we didn’t make time for God what so ever, let alone for time as a couple. We get to bed at 11, exhausted and hardly even wanting to have a conversation.

Sure, some days we get out of the house and go play at the park and have more family time. But, do you see the issues here, as I do?  Electronics are tearing apart my family.  We let Savannah watch WAY too much TV for an not-even-a 2-year-old and that kills me. I’m too sucked into my own “need” and addiction of the computer that I’m not being the best parent or wife I can be.  In turn, she’s starting to act out more for attention, understandable. I’m so wrapped up in reading about other people’s lives that I’m missing out on the best gift God has given me: My family.  I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of letting life go by with my staring at this screen all day.  I’m tired of not being connected to God and being an example of Christ to Savannah. I’m tired of not feeling connected with my own husband. It’s time for a change.

So what am I going to do?  I’m taking a break for a week.  Of course, there are some things I do need the computer for, like for schooling, my little letter business, and the reviews I do. But all the other “stuff” that just feed me information about other’s lives like Facebook, Flickr, Google Reader, etc? Even this blog, for a week, I want to put it aside and use the time I would be “checking stuff” to devote to raising my child the right way, building a relationship with my family again, and in general just figuring out how God wants me to use my time.  Continuing to live as I do now is leading me no where, but to bitterness and frustration. I want to live with the glory of God shining through me and everything I do, this is not the way.

Don’t think this is the end of my blog, it’s not.  I truly believe that God gave me my passion for writing as a gift and tool for His glory, but first I have to figure out (or rather, allow Him to show me) the best way to use it. And quite frankly, if I didn’t have this blog and writing, I would go insane! So, I know blogging does have a place in my life. If you need me, email me. But if not, I shall be back in a week, hopefully sharing some enlightful stories of how God is working in our lives. Have a wonderful week!

P.S. While I’m away I will be meeting the lovely Victoria next weekend! I am super stoked, as she is such an inspiration for a God filled life and just a sweat, dear friend to me.  Look for pictures and stories about that as well :-)

Photo Credit: Kwerner Design

I just realized that today marks the last “exciting” birthday that kids grow up looking forward to.

Exciting birthdays go something like this: I can’t wait to be 13, I’ll be a teenager! I can’t wait to be 16, I can drive then! I can’t wait to be 18, I’ll be a legal adult! And eventually: I can’t wait to be 21, I can buy alcohol! (Of course, hopefully 8 year old kids aren’t thinking that yet.) After 21 people tend to start dreading birthdays.

Birthdays are always a bittersweet thing for me. I’m excited to start another year with a bigger age attached to me in hopes that it’ll gain more respect. It’s another year gone by where I’ve learned and experienced more things that continue to make me who I am. But at the same time, it’s sad to know that each year that flips by is another one that pulls me away from my simpler childhood (which could actually be a good thing, but still).

Growing up is a weird, weird thing. Happy Birthday to me.

(P.S. Dad, I’ll eat a peice of turtle pie for you!)

She’s just getting too big, folks! Since when can she climb into a Hannah Montana chair and ask, “I uh color!” (Which in Savannah language means, “I want to color!”)? It’s all going by way too fast, she turns 18 months old in a little over a month. How is that even possible? I can’t remember what it was like to have her as a baby (which is probably a good thing since I do know that it was a very sleep deprived year).

Lately she’s rediscovered some of her baby things, like the Graco Entertainer we had in the garage and her old infant bath tub (which sucks for bathing slippery babies so don’t buy that one). She’s been asking to play with them on a daily basis, which is quite funny because while she still fits in them, but she looks HUGE compared to when she used them months ago.

Oh, it goes by fast.

We’ve been on vacation. Sort of. As much as there can be with a 16 month old around, and if you consider going to the grandparent’s house a vacation. It’s been a good couple of weeks! And really, I’ve just been preoccupied with important things like family and fun in the sun (and maybe some reading?).

So let’s back track, shall we? Saturday the 14th was Kaylee’s birthday party, which went very well. We got there a tiny bit earlier than the rest of the crowd so Kaylee and I got some sweet one-on-one time. She begged to open my gifts right away but her Mommy said no, of course. And when she did finally get to open them, she could care less about the PJ’s and book, but one day she will. Mark’s parents take the price at THE favorite gift ever: a Cinderella doll with jelly clothes. Her cake was a Strawberry Shortcake (the character) in a pink Cinderella dress. Oh, she’s funny. And of course, we ended the day with our famous kissy picture (and she loved it!).

After the party we (me and Savannah) rode home with my parents to start our get-a-way. We had many new adventures that week including a trip to the pool, a ride in a mustang convertible (top down, of course. Where she learned to say..CAR! Go bye bye!), and a visit to the kid’s interactive museum. She loved wearing the mini-Japanese Kimono in the Japan section. She drove a bus and a little car her size. She was a pirate and painted some water master pieces outside. My Stepmom and I built a house for her out of HUGE lego blocks (thanks to the help of some random kid, too). My brother and sister played a game of GIANT Connect four. We all banged on drums and other instruments. It was so, so, so fun and we all had a blast.

And then, my wonderful husband showed up at our door with roses in his hand Thursday night to surprise us! I was expecting to not see him until Sunday, when he would meet with my parents some where half way the distance. Boy, he had me surprised! He worked his booty off at work so that he could make up the hours he was going to take off for Friday. What a sweet, sweet man I have :-) And it’s nice to know my presence is missed when I’m not around.

And now? We’re all back home together. I came home to a clean house thanks to my husband and he created me my own little reading nook in his game room so that we could enjoy the room together. Ya know, do separate things but still be together? It works for us. I’ve also been super productive and my laundry is NOT in unmanagable piles, or all over the floor. I’ve made my bed every day, showered and brushed my teeth at appropriate times (rather than be stinky all morning until nap time to do it). I’ve maintained our clean house and made dinner several nights. Oh…and I’ve been walking a mile every morning. Whoa! I feel really good all around.

Get-a-ways are refreshing and I feel like I’ve come home to a new start. I like my new routine, it makes me feel like how a mom should feel–active, productive, completely in love with my kid and my husband, and on top on things. Of course, I am still human so I’m sure I’ll have my share of one of those days soon enough. Don’t feel bad, Moms, today I’ve got everything under control but who knows what tomorrow will bring? That’s life. We have good and bad days.

Today? Is good.

(Now if only I could motivate my self to start spending time with God again….hmmm…)

I mentioned earlier that I’ve read 3 books so far and I had to share what I’ve learned. It’s amazes how stories help reveal things in your own life.

The best so far was “A Time to Dance” by Karen Kingsbury (Any book by her you can’t go wrong, she’s amazing). It’s about a married couple on the brink of divorce and how God brought them back together when they thought it was too late. I have to admit, at times it made me angry to read and watch how silly they were being. Not speaking to each other or when they did it was rudely, or didn’t listen to what the other was trying to say, one character was practically cheating on the other, ignoring God, etc. And yet they both obviously still loved one another. It made me realize that often that is me (not cheating or anything serious!). Whether it’s being too busy sitting here blogging or reading other’s blogs to spend time with Mark some nights, or saying something without thinking, it can put a wedge between us that eventually could build up to be worse if not addressed. Thankfully, Mark is pretty good about being honest and up front about issues like that. It made me see how truly painful divorce can be and that I never, ever want to experience that first hand. It’s made me very thankful for the man I married and work harder to be the best wife I can be.

It also reflected my relationship with God at times (more often that I’d like), where clearly He knows the right path for my life and yet I keep ignoring Him and His commands. As I was reading it was like seeing life through God’s eyes almost…knowing what could be if they would just accept it and not letting pride get in the way. I also felt like God does sometimes when looking down at his people making the wrong choices. Angry, sad, and hurt. Thankfully, they did accept God’s truth and ways in the end and things turned out with lessons learned and blessings just as God promises for our lives.

I’m looking forward to reading the sequel, “A Time to Embrace” as soon as it arrives at my library.

I haven’t posted anything about our money stresses because well…anybody could read my blog and that’s not something everyone needs to know! But, I just have to share this and how faithful God is.  Let’s just say I didn’t know if I would be able to go back to school this fall, let alone pay for Savannah’s diapers.  As our funds lowered, I was getting more scared and stressed. Job opportunities for me weren’t working out, the government stimulus check was taking forever to get here, then Mark has a car accident on top of all this, etc.

Last night nearly in tears I began my search for scholarships, almost began writing some essays that never win, when I decided to check my school account just in case. And there it was: money waiting for me to accept from the government. Let’s just say between the money Mark and I will receive for school and from his job, it not only provides enough to pay for college but also for me to be able to stay at home with Savannah for the summer and through the school year (when I’m not in classes, of course).  God is so good!

Literally, I think God was waiting for me to just stop and trust when there was nothing left.  I knew He would provide, but it just took longer than I thought!  All in God’s own time.  I’m so, so thankful and grateful for His blessings on our little family.  He knew our desires, He knew our stresses, and He took the burden off and provided as He promises. Praises to God.

I’m very content with where I am right now, right where I need to be, at home with my girl.  Obviously, getting priorities straight helps out in life. Thank you, God, for always being there when I return.

—-

P.S. Mark’s Mom is fine. Swelling and bruising more by the second but she’s still in good spirits and got the good news that there were no broken bones or conclusion. She’s just got to let it heal.

First off, Happy Mother’s Day everyone! I hope it’s been a great day of pampering and loving on your own mom and/or getting pampered and honored yourself! My family certainly has done a lot for me this weekend, with beautiful flowers and funny cards, but certainly the high light has been my experience with Birth Mom Buds.

It’s funny how in such a short amount of time, less than 24 hours, you can make so many new connections and quickly come to feel as if you’ve known people forever. It’s a wonderful feeling to instantly “click” with people, which I feel is the hand of God at work giving us the blessing as a whole to be able to support each other. It was such an up lifting, fun filled, emotional and transparent 24 hours.

For me, the fun started Friday night as my Mom drove into town and we met up with 5 other ladies (all birth moms but one, one being the lovely Coley who is Bmom Bud’s Founder). It was my first time meeting these ladies face to face, so I was a bit shy and nervous but thankfully there were some outgoing personalities in our group! Dinner was the most amazing meal I’ve eaten in a long time. Like, Food Network top chief quality with the beautiful presentation and everything. Yum. It was a good time to get to know each other a bit more, hear about their stories, share my own and realize how it really can be a small world.

The next day the official Birth Mother’s Day Event started in the morning, where we were immediately greeted with gift bags (and the whole day was filled with give aways!). We all introduced ourselves with a brief telling of who we are, our children, type of adoption, etc. Everyone had their own story and experiences, from 20 year old children in closed adoptions to only 2 months post placement. It was really neat to see that we all have differences but our choice in adoption brings us together and that unifying experience leads us to help and lean on each other.

We had breakout sessions, one which I lead about journaling about how it can be a great tool for dealing with grief, stress, etc. It went really well and there was some great interaction with others and creative production of poems going on! Another successful speaking event = check!

After our (yummy) lunch we wrote a short prayer/note for our children, tied it to a balloon and let them float to heaven. I released on in honor of Kaylee and for my friend’s daughter, Eden (hi Bre!). Then we listened to several great speakers, one was an adult adoptee that was in a closed adoption but now has been reunited and what that was like. It was really, really validating to hear from the mouth of an adoptee that she is okay and that she is so, so thankful for what her birth mother did for her. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear those words from own daughter’s mouth, but it will be a glorious day if/when she does. Not that I have any doubts in my heart or mind that I did the wrong thing, but to hear from her that I did and her accepting that in her heart and mind, that will be powerful. One of the other speakers was Robyn who had a closed adoption and recently reunited with her son after 19 years. It was a tough story to listen to, but so inspiring as well.

We watched the famous Birth Mom Buds slide show, and then later gathered in a circle to light candles in honor of our children while saying a prayer for them. It was beautiful to see so many women standing together pouring out their hearts in love and willing to be transparent with each other. Not just in this circle, but throughout the whole day.

It was hard to say goodbye, I really did not want the fun and closeness to end. I believe some one said at some point that it was a place filled with love, and it certainly was! On my home a song came on the radio called, “Be still and Know I’m Here” and while this is a Christian song meant to to be about God, I felt it captured this weekend’s experience perfectly. Towards the end of the song, it repeats” We are not alone” several times in such an up lifting way. As a birth mother, I don’t often come in face to face contact with others that share my experience, joys and pain of adoption. But that 24 hours? Was one where it became a reality that there are others out there (and in my own city!) that know what it’s like and we can lean on each other. We are not alone.

So, if anyone is reading this from Birth Mom Buds that I met this weekend, this is a huge thanks to all of you and how wonderful you made this weekend for me. I look forward to our next meeting, and I hope it will be soon! And of course, thanks to my Mom for making it financially possible to attend, giving me encouragement and making this weekend even more special with her presence.

Next from Momma O: A Mother’s Day post.