I just don’t feel like writing much right now.  I’m feeling a mix of things that I don’t really know why or what to do with it, so forgive me if I’m quiet while I figure it out. Or maybe I’ll just wake up tomorrow and be inspired again.

My birthday weekend turned out “eh.”  I did enjoy good company and soaked up the beautiful God made scenery, but it just left me feeling “eh” and ready to come home.  It wasn’t what I expected my fun, big 2-1 birthday celebration to be like. And I have still yet to drink my first official drink, which is fine by me. Oh well, that’s what some times having expectations does in life–lets you down.

I’m looking forward to my next visit up to the mountains in a few weeks in which I have little expectations but to hide away deep in the woods in our cabin with the great family of mine. Maybe I’ll read a book. Or go outside and write among the singing birds, sunshine, and trees. Or take a hike with my Mom. I just need space to breathe. I feel like I’m starting to suffocate in life among school demands and our messy clothes everywhere and trying to figure out how in the world to discipline our kid who just laughs at us (a whole ‘nother post for later).

And another thing that’s weighing me down–more expectations I had of myself. Remember last year year? Straight A’s for 9 classes in a row?  I felt like super Mom. Well now I am headed in the direction of B’s and C’s and I feel like I’ve failed. Why am I so hard on myself? I need to remember it’s not about the grade, but about the simple fact that I’m still in school and getting it done. I don’t have to be perfect, right?  Some one needs to keep reminding me of this.

That’s enough depressed thoughts for today.  On a happier note, tonight is the last night to enter the Unique Skins Giveaway over on the Review Blog so if you haven’t already entered, it’s your last chance!  3 winners will be announced tomorrow :-)

Can I be blunt here? Today sucked. The first day of classes sucked big rainy mud puddles.

Right from the get go, things were going wrong. I couldn’t find the parking pass, my car’s speedometer decided not to work (my 16 year old car that I JUST got fixed and now have spent close to $1,000 in the past few months for repairs just to have something break. AGAIN! Oy. We don’t have money to keep throwing away like this) so I had to rush to Mark’s car. At this point I was running late, but I could still make it on time with luck.

But oh, of course I don’t have good luck. It was raining hard, traffic was way worse than normal, meaning pretty dang horrible. Like, stopped horrible. Then, I finally make it to campus an hour later, but I’m so late there is no where to park! And I get lost trying to find a place to park. So I eventually find my way and park WAY far away and hustle through the rain with my handy zebra umbrella.

I finally get to my class 30 minutes late…and…no one was even in there. All that stress, worrying, and banging on my steering wheel screaming “GO!” for nothing. Though, I’m betting the entire campus was late today so I’m sure the teacher just left when no one showed up.

It just wasn’t a great start to my day, and the grumpiness stuck with me. I came home completely exhausted and with a headache, to make things worse. And, as I sat through my 4 classes (I would have 5 if my first wasn’t canceled), I felt this huge dread over me. I’m really, really not looking forward to this school year. I feel like I’m re-doing high school over again, just about every one of my classes I’ve already taken before.

1800 century English? Check. Spanish 2? Check. Algebra? Check.

Next semester will be the same way as well, re-doing what I’ve already done. I really, really hate this right now. The thing that is pulling me through is thinking about how I would regret it if I quit and how dang close I am to graduating. Half way there. I can do this. But man, I’m praying like crazy God will keep giving me the strength and courage to keep going.

The good news is that I know a few people in my classes, I picked really awesome teachers (except my Spanish guy. B-o-r-i-n-g, but it should be easy), and since I have had most of these topics it’s nothing “new” to me so it should be easy. And, when I get home we had steak and potatoes for dinner, which was especially yummy after not getting any lunch.

And now? I’m off to do absolutely nothing. My brain is tired.

Oh, it’s been a busy day. Savannah and I headed out this morning to take a small day trip to visit my friend/old room mate and her son (Savannah’s boyfriend friend who is 2 weeks younger than her). We were pregnant with our kids at the same time and we both shared the lovely experience of living at a maternity home together. Forever bonded, yes indeed. We ate a wonderful lunch (all child meltdowns aside, thank God for Pacifiers) and went swimming. It was so nice to be around other Moms my age with kids the same age. And ya know, just be around other people in general.

A note on my experience driving in a completely unknown area: Mapquest sucks. Thank God for signs! And cell phones! And great neighbors!

Tomorrow holds another day trip–to the beach! Since Mark and I couldn’t take a “real” vacation this year, we’re going to at least satisfy the beach urge a little bit with a nice day trip with Savannah and my siblings. It should be fun. I hope. A car full of kids, 2.5 hours away from home. I sure hope it goes smoothly.

Last time we were at this beach, Mark and I were fresh newly weds. *insert awing sigh here*

Things going wrong:

-Savannah found Mark’s energy gum and decided to have a piece (Go ahead, laugh with me)

-She fought sleep until at least 9:30 last night (her bed time is 8pm).

-She then woke up at 1am WIDE EYED and ready to play.

-I used my stern Mommy voice too many times in my frustration and exhaustion.

-Slammed some doors, too.

-I tried everything, nothing worked.

-So, at 3:30am I did the ultimate bad Mommy thing: Went back to my own bed and turned off the monitor.

-I spilled orange juice this morning (Do you know how sticky that stuff is?)

-I look and feel like crap.

-My face is breaking out worse than it has in a long time (Will I ever grow out of acne?)

-Dude, I’m tired.

-And very, very, very grumpy. I’m not used to this sleep issue stuff anymore.

The Things That Make This Day a Tiny Bit Easier:

-Savannah let us sleep in until 8:15am.

-She’s not whiny today.

-Tomorrow is Friday, which means one more day and I’ll have help to maintain my sanity.

-I got to take nice, long, hot shower by myself (a rarity these days)

-Yup, that’s about all the sunshine in my stormy day.

I think I’ll go take a nap now.

We got a “Wee Songs” tape (yes a TAPE, HA!) because it was a $1.00. And let me just say…I wanted to plug up my ears and then throw the tape out the flippin’ window. It was horrible. The songs were awful, the sound quality was terrible. Thank God for CD’s…and better music options.

I’ve been searching around for better kid’s music for in the car (or ya…when we just wanna dance around!) and so far the one I know about and LOVE is Laurie Berkner. She’s on the Noggin channel between shows and on “Jack’s Big Music Show.” If you go to that website you can see some of the fun videos they play. I also saw Lisa Loeb on that show and I think I’ll download some of her kid songs, too. And how awesome that she is doing kid music now? I used to love her stuff on the radio in the 90′s! (“You can’t hear it, but I dooo…”)

So…do you have any more suggestions for me that won’t hurt my ears?

Remember that hand-me-down dress shared from Kaylee to Savannah? Well, I found something even better in that same box from Kaylee: My own dress.

I had this picture taken when I was two years old. I know, I was cute, wasn’t I? This has always been my favorite picture of me as a child, me in my “fishy” dress. Which, until last week, I really thought it was fishies. But apparently they’re whales (it almost was a “Santa isn’t real?!” moment inside). And now 4 girls have worn this dress: myself, my little sister, Kaylee and now Savannah.

And I’ll keep holding onto it for Savannah to pass down one day, too. Of course, it could be completely out of style by then, but oh well. Memories are memories, treasures and treasures. No matter how out dated.

Oh goodness, it’s one of those days. Savannah has been whining since the moment she got up at 6:30 (clearly, way to early for her to be up). She’s only some-what content if we’re outside. But really? It’s like an oven out there and it’s not even officially summer yet! We surely cannot spend all day out side baking, but try explaining that to a 15 month old teething girl. *sigh*

She screamed when dinner wasn’t quite ready yet. And when it was ready? She screamed some more. Mark’s Dad gave me a lecture on how I’m not firm enough with her and she takes advantage of me. And then? She pooped in the tub.  A nice slimy one that got everywhere. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I’m discovering that being a 24/7 SAHM Mom is very wearing.  By the end of the week I’m spent, and by Saturdays I’m really needing a break. Remember last Saturday’s cry?  It’s odd that Saturdays are my worse day of the week now, it’s like my new Monday.  But that’s the good thing that by Monday I’m refreshed and ready again.

And on top of this, my little heart is hurting with adoption stuff. Kaylee’s birthday is less than 2 weeks away and this is always the hardest part…leading up to it. I’m dealing with issues like guilt, that I’m not letting her know I love her enough. I don’t call and ask to speak to her. I don’t send her letters. I don’t even know simple things like her favorite color or food. But then again…I don’t want to intrude on their lives with these things, they’re already busy enough. Oh, it’s hard to find the right balance.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day. With no poop in the shower, please.

Well…that didn’t work.

She was fast asleep by 7:15 worn out from playing in the sun and taking a walk. I was hopeful that she would sleep through the night, or at least not fight sleep when she did wake up during the night. Nope.  It only got worse. Instead of waking up at 4am, she moved it up to 2am!  And succeeded in fighting sleep, laughing at it even, until 4:30am.  So needless to say, I’m tired. We’re all tired.  Mark took off work today so that I could sleep in, he got up with her at 6:30am.

But good thing there wasn’t a car accident involved today, right?

Actually, there was a worse accident involved as Mark’s Mom fell in the bathroom during the middle of the night and cut open her face right near her eye. She seemed in good spirits despite how horrible the bruising is, the bleeding, and I hear even bone showing. Ouch, ouch, ouch. We’re waiting for her to get back from the emergency room. Keep her in your prayers, would ya?

Let’s back track, shall we? In Savannah’s 15 months of life, there has always been issues with sleep. When she was an infant, it was being up every 2 hours for months to nurse. Sure, the length between night awakenings got longer as the months went on, but it was pretty exhausting up until about 10 months old. Then, something seemed to click and she only wakes up one time now. But now when there isn’t excessive waking up times, there is always something else. She fights naps, she fights going to bed, she gets up way too early, or she insists that you stay in the room with her in order to sleep. Occasionally she cuts us a break to catch up on her sleep, therefore letting us catch up, and she’ll sleep heavenly for a week or two.

Like last week? Heavenly sleep, mostly. There were many nights she slept from 8pm to 8am (or even 9 am! Never had she done that before). If she woke up, it was only once and though it might have taken a while to put her back to sleep (insisting you stay in there with her), she did go back to sleep until at least 7. It was nice.

This week? We’re in hell again. The past few days she has decided that 5am is the perfect time to get up for the day, when clearly it’s not by her tired eyes and laying around (me, too). And last night? She was up at 4am. FOUR! When I went in there to give her more pain medication (she is teething, after all) she looked exhausted and laid back down, but the instant I left the room it jump started her fighting battle that has lasted well into day light. I tried everything to get her back to sleep. Rocking, swaying, walking, talking, praying, rubbing, laying down with her, etc. By an hour I was so frustrated and tense, that I put her down in her crib, walked to my room and punched a pillow. I haven’t done that since I was a kid. As much as I prayed and prayed for answers and patience, nothing came.

Finally an hour and half later Mark emailed work to say he wasn’t coming in today, and took over for me. Thank God for awesome an husband. He then did the only thing we hadn’t tried: the car.  Which, at this point, he has a minor accident backing out of our drive way into our neighbor’s parked car. See. This sleep issue is not good! All the way around!

I just don’t get why my child hates sleep? I hear that separation anxiety becomes a bigger issue around this time, so maybe that’s part of it? Plus teething? Lord, help me.

Last time we had this issue of WAY too early wake up calls, I read to move her bed earlier. And it worked, strange as it sounds. So, I think I’ll try that again, and bust out “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” book while I’m at it for other measures to take.

But, do you have any advice? Is your child (or children) as weird sleeping wise as mine? Have any stories that make me feel better and that I’m not alone?!

Our church showed this video a few weeks ago, it struck me then, and it still does today as I listen to what she is saying. It’s a modern take on the “Woman at the Well” story from the book of John in the Bible. I’m struggling yet again with turning to God for all things. For guidance, patience, parenting advice, financial suggestions, job leadings, relationship counseling, a healer, for gentle whispers to just be still, breathe and know He is God. I feel like I post about this at least once a month now, and that frustrates me that I keep taking my heart and eyes off of Him above and back onto me. I’m selfish, it’s that simple.

I watch this video and wish I had the passion that this woman does speaking, and also like the woman in the story. I wish that I could freely take the “living water” Jesus offers and just let it be instead of accepting it, taking a sip, and then refusing. Maybe refusing isn’t the right word, more like, hesitant. It’s not that I completely disobey and do not believe in Christ. It’s not that I don’t believe in His awesome power, forgiveness, healing, etc. as I have tasted and seen His awesome works and ways. He’s always been faithful and provided for me.

But then, why can’t I keep myself focused on who He is? Am I running scared of being “known”? I know He already knows what this heart contains, my past, my sins, yet I’m scared to be vulnerable. Perhaps I’m running scared of what I know God is calling me to do (of what that is? I’m not sure, but I know it’s big some how. Even if it’s just dealing with my past, that’s big in my world). I feel like when I was pregnant at 16, scared and running the opposite direction (in circles, really) trying to escape what I knew was right. I’ve experienced acceptance of God’s will and seen God’s hand at work in my life before. I’ve seen His grace and miracles. I know what it’s like to just bask in His love, knowing life is much sweeter with Him beside me. Yet, I still run and hide at times. Why? For control, that’s why.

Maybe none of this seem relevant to this video to you, but for me, this video makes me feel a calling back. A calling that says, “to be known is to be loved and to loved is to be known” and that shouldn’t be a scary place to be. It should be a good thing. That I may just be one small girl that often feels unclean with my past stains, yet Jesus made me clean. That I may isolate myself, but He’s still with me whether I chose to acknowledge Him or not. It’s me that separates myself from Christ, not Him that turns away from me.

So here we go yet again, working on priorities. Working on my prayer relationship and spending time with God in His word. I know without Him, I cannot be the best parent, wife, student…anything without Him. (I just wish I could remember that!)

What does this video say to you?