We still haven’t gotten the keys to our new house.

We were set to close this past Tuesday but several last minute things came up that delayed us into this coming week.  My heart was set on last Tuesday. I was so ready to start loading boxes and organizing to the point that I didn’t sleep well at night because I had visions of kitchen dishes, room layouts, and shower curtains dancing in my head. Things had gone very smoothly from the time we found our house up until the day of closing, so I wasn’t emotionally prepared to have to put off my super house planning agenda.  But, Tuesday came and we got that dreaded call.  Wednesday we got another dreaded call, as well as Thursday and Friday.  At first I was angry, sad, and frustrated but now I’m numb to it. We literally rode an emotional roller coaster this week, with super highs thinking that “YES! We’re almost there!” to “No, not again…” several times. I’ve had to force myself not to expect certain things for fear of let down again. Our next goal to close is this coming Tuesday, but with the way things have gone this past week, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s even later.  If it’s not one thing on the paperwork side, it’s another thing with our own weekly schedule.  Will this ever happen?

It’s also lost it’s excitement. I’m hoping when we DO finally get to step foot in that office, sign our life away, and finally get those beloved keys the excitement will be back.

Me last week: WOO! We’re moving! (!!!!!!) Me this week: Oh, we’re maybe finally moving? Great…

Here’s to hoping that we’ll be official homeowners sooner rather than later. Until then, I’m holding onto my seat.

I’m starting to think there are certain stages of childhood that different parents can “do” better. Have you ever heard of that? I have some where before, and it’s certainly ringing true right now.

My ideal stage in parenthood? Babies. I can do the baby stage quite well. I feel like I was made to spend my days nursing, rocking, cooing, making baby food, changing diapers, making a little human smile, and teaching them basic things in life like how to roll over. I can do that, I love doing those thing. Yes, it’s a very tiring stage and physically demanding, but I feel like my personality better suites me in this “quieter”  stage and less mobility (this would make a great research paper idea, no?). I could just sit and rock Savannah for hours, or let her have tummy time while I folded laundry. I could also get more homework done and got better grades, strangely.

But, babies grow up. And this toddler business? Is kicking my mommy butt.  The attempt at discipline, the tantrums, the picky eating, the STILL not sleeping, the fight for independence, the arguing over everything, all the “Why, why, why’s!”, the screaming bloody murder when we have to leave public places. Savannah and I are constantly butting heads right now.  This day, this week, this month, has been a huge test and thank God I don’t get graded on my parenting. I would be failing, or at least I feel I would be (though others say I’m doing just fine and all this is normal). The terrible twos have arrived. And quite frankly, I hate it.

Mark though? He is much better at this toddler thing. He can do the disciplining, he has the playful energy and imagination that it takes. He can trick her into eating her meal and or leave the store without screaming. Sure, he gets frustrated at times too, but he thrives more as a parent during this stage than he did in the baby stage. I guess that’s what teamwork is all about, eh? Each of us have our strengths that balance out the other. Too bad he’s at work all day.

I won’t lie, some times I hate motherhood. And please, do not read that as hating my child. I can hate the motherhood duties some times, but I could never hate her for the person she is. The fact is, this work is hard. That’s real motherhood for you, folks.

And then…this motherhood life redeems itself in small ways and makes a hard day worth while.  Before bed tonight, Savannah laid in my arms and we made up a new game that left us both giggling.  Thank God for little moments. I would surely go crazy without a visit from Jekyll when all I’ve seen is Miss Hyde.

Ah, it’s been a wonderfully refreshing trip. (And I’m not even home yet! I figured I’d write something now because I know I won’t have time when I get home between school work, laundry, and ya know, spending time with my family like I’m accused of not doing. ha.)

The flight to Indiana on Friday was frustrating.  It was just a crappy day to fly, with lots of clouds and rain, which apparently put us behind on my first flight.  We didn’t land in Detroit for my connection flight until 15 minutes before my other flight left. Which means, I had to hurry off of RUN all the way across the airport (and if you know me, I do not run…) to try and catch it before I left. And I did. *Whew* The plane was still there, with the steps and everything….but they wouldn’t let me on. In fact, there were a whole group of us that were late due to our plane and they wouldn’t let us on. With the plane RIGHT THERE! Stupid. We had to walk all the way to the other side of the airport again to catch another flight, which put me behind when I was supposed to arrive about 1.5 hours.  I hate Detroit. I will never go there again, simply for the rude staff and the ridiculous layout of that airport. The one good thing they did was get my luggage on the right plane.

Moving on. I met up with Bre and we made our way to eat lunch/dinner with a wonderfully sweet adoptive Mom and her three year old daughter. We knew her from the message board Breanna and I met on, so it was neat to meet another one of those amazing ladies that we’ve known for years. Also? Her daughter reminded me so much of Savannah in the way she talked and acted, I bet they would have gotten along well if I had brought her :-)  After that we went shopping, mainly to walk the aisles of Babies R Us where I shared my experience as a Mom and what products I used or would use if I could do it over again.  She ended up with a cart load!  It’s amazing how much new stuff is already out since Savannah, there are definitely things I will be going back for when it’s our time for a new baby again.  And later, Bre shared with me her experience of having her own house and what products are good for my Christmas list (which is all house things in preparation for our move next year), so we both gained insight from each other :-)

Pretty much every morning I’ve been able to sleep in until at least 9:30 (yesterday, 10:30!) and drink my hot tea in silence, which is very rare in my motherhood world. It’s been nice. However, sleeping in 4 days in a row makes the days fly by and almost feels like a waste. As weird as it is, it made me grateful that Savannah gets me up earlier so that I actually do things with my day besides sleep.  I still enjoyed it while it lasted but it just gave me a new appriciation for getting up early when I have to.

Other things we did: Went to Target twice (gotta love Target!), made modpodge shoes (will post pictures later!), ate smores by a bonfire, took a walk, watched “Sunshine Cleaning,” and went to Bre’s doctor appointment.

I will say, I’m doing a lot better emotionally wise than I thought I would.  As you may know, Bre and I got pregnant around the same time and were due within just a week or two of each other. Sure at times I have thought to myself, “that would be me right now, I would be seven months pregnant” but mostly, I’m just thrilled for her.  They will make great parents, and I know she felt the same bittersweetness when I was pregnant with Savannah. But still, it is odd going to the doctor and not being the pregnant one , experiencing the pokes and prods and the movements as the baby squirms away from the heart doppler. But, I’m okay.  Sure, it makes the desire for another child stronger, but I know God will bless us in His time.

And now, as this trip is nearing it’s end, I’m mostly grateful that I had not just some “me” time away from my home world, but Bre time as well.  There’s nothing like spending time with your best friend, especially when she’s preparing for a baby. It’s been exciting to share this time with her in person instead of through a computer screen. Hoping for another trip in the spring to be able to meet their new addition :-)

Of course, we forgot to take pictures of our trip (except of shoes…). Lame.

It’s been quite the drama filled week.  First, it started with lightning striking my parents house last week where me and Savannah was visiting.  Talk about scary! Thankfully, it didn’t burn their house down and they lost things that can easily be replaced thanks to great insurance. But it was a learning lesson to me: protect the “things” I love with a surge protector. I would hate, hate to loose another computer that has all our memories on it or our first big purchase together: our TV. Now that I’ve back home, we’ve had storms every night and we’re unplugging things until we can buy protectors!

Then the next day, I met with the lovely Amy and we had a nice chat over lunch. It was so nice to meet some one who has many shared experiences :-) I look forward to keeping in contact with her more and hopefully have her come down for the annual Birthmom Buds event!

That same day I came home to Savannah running a 104 fever. Again, talk about scary!  Apparently my little brother used to run high fevers as well so my wonderful Stepmom knew what to do to bring it down. Another lesson learned there.  We’re guessing she just had a virus because by Monday she was suddenly better and super hyper.

Monday Savannah and I drove back home on a whim to surprise Mark with our homecoming. He wasn’t expecting us until the next day or later depending on how Savannah was feeling.  Surprises are fun!  However, on the way home I hit a horrible storm in which it was pouring down so hard I had to pull off the road and pray no one would hit me.  Very scary.

But to top the last few days off, Mark took today off to spend time with us since we’ve been gone for over a week and it was much needed. Especially, especially since Savannah and I got little sleep last night and we were both grumpy. Who knew a 2 year old could have an attitude like that?!   Having him home helped me keep sane and be able to take TWO naps today. That’s a blessing right there. All this weeks drama had it’s blessings, things could have been way worse.

I don’t really like MTV.  Well, I used to back in the middle school and high school days when it was the cool thing to watch all the time. But then I realized what trash it is, filled with sexual images and dirty language constantly. Ick!  Why waste my life watching crap on TV?

But, in saying that, I will be watching MTV this week for one show: 16 and Pregnant.  It’s covering an adoption story and the adoptive couple happens to be from North Carolina where I am from and went through the same agency one of my friend’s did.  With teen pregnancy on the rise and teen mothering becoming more and more the “cool” thing to do , I’m interested to see how this adoption story will play out in the media. Adoption just isn’t talked about much and when it is?  It’s usually either negative or totally misses the mark on what a blessing adoption can be.  Like Juno. Gah, hated the movie. It totally skimped out on how hard it is to make the choice of adoption!  The real emotions were smushed under comedy lines and a fake smile saying “let’s just get this baby out and NO I don’t want to have contact afterwards!” and a weird, weird relationship with the potential adoptive father. Bottom line: totally unrealistic. The same goes for the hit show “Secret Life of an American Teenager”. Again, it’s unrealistic and they backed out on the adoption story. Lame. Is adoption really that scary that people can’t talk about it for what it really is, the good and the bad, just like people do with teen pregnancy and parenting?

Anyway, I’m hoping MTV redeems it’s self with this show.  I hope and pray it fights the stereotypes that us birthmothers simply don’t care about our children, that we just give birth and never look back, or that we are escaping from the consequences of having sex, being selfish and irresponsible because we aren’t parenting our “mistake” (I totally don’t see Kaylee or Savannah as a mistake, fyi). I hope people can see we are exactly the opposite of what the world thinks we are: unselfish, responsible, and displaying the ultimate love in sacrifice to give our children better than we could at that time in life.  We may not deal with the “consequences” in midnight feedings and diaper trips, but we certainly feel the consequences on our heart every single day. I’m tired of people misunderstanding the heart of birthmothers and our intentions. Why are adoptive couples praised and unselfish for adopting a child but the birthmothers that provided that  opportunity for the couple is shunned and selfish? I just don’t get it.

Here is a small clip of the episode that seems very promising, I can so relate.  And of course, if you look on that same page Catelynn has already been met with public comments and disapproval of her choices. And yes, I made a MTV profile just to comment back to the ignorant comments.

16 and Pregnant: Catelynn’s Adoption story

On MTV this Thursday July 16 at 10pm

Expect a post with my thoughts afterwards! Here’s to hoping some adoption education is spread to the MTV world.

I’m frustrated.  The more I do the research and more that I try to live a healthier life style…I keep getting slapped with the hidden truth and reality that my country (the USA) sucks at being healthy and therefore makes it difficult to be healthy.

Exhibit A: It’s now known that there is mercury in high fructose corn syrup (in addition to all the other risk factors of HFC). Which, makes me even more thankful that I’ve changed my diet and haven’t even touched HFC in nearly 3 weeks. But, my husband and daughter still eat whatever they want.  My daughter I could make the choice for her, but my husband? He’s set in his ways, he could care less and probably thinks I’m crazy for the holistic approach I’ve taken to life recently.

Exhibit B: I figured I’d get rid of the toxic products I’ve been using for years as well and traded my .99 cent Suave shampoo for a $8 Burt’s Bee’s shampoo.  The label sounded perfect, not only would my hair be full, voluminous and smell fabulous but it’d also be paraben free, SLS free, etc.  I was willing to spend $8 to get rid of those nasty cancer causing chemicals.  But oh, wait!  I went to Skindeep (cosmetic safety database) and decided to see if it truly was “better” and healthier than my cheap Suave. Guess what? It’s not. (See here for Burt’s Bees Very Voluminous rating, here for Suave clarifying) it has the same rating of moderate toxicity.  Sure, the label on Burt’s Bee’s is clear of harsh chemicals and looks perfect, but they hid the toxic stuff under the label “Perfume.”  Companies are allowed to not list “trade secrets” and they hid the crap under that secret code name.

Ever look at the ingredients of your make up or shampoo bottles?  Have you ever gone to cosmeticdatabase.com and looked at the facts in the face that just about every product that touches our skin is linked to cancer? And people wonder why our kids are dying of cancer at a young age, why it’s becoming like an epidemic, or why couples are more and more being diagnosed as infertile?  THIS is the reason, folks (or at least one of them). Because the companies we use ever single day are being allowed to put harsh chemicals in our products with no repercussions.  Sure, they may say it’s not that much used in the product but when we use them day after day, year after year it builds up. And why, if these chemicals are so bad for us have they not been banned? Europe has banned them. WHY NOT US?

I’m finding that more and more, as I do the research, that our lives are saturated with pure nastiness. Our face washes, house cleaners, laundry detergents.  You know that famous Johnston & Johnston baby shampoo you are using on your precious baby at bath time? Full of toxins. Even the food we eat! You would think shopping at a health food store that all the products they carry would be chemical free and safe, right? Wrong!  Some lotions clearly have parabens in them on their labels.  Companies like Burt’s Bees, Jasons, 7th Generation, Method, etc. that claim to be natural can still have harmful toxins. Why are companies stooping to these low levels? Oh, I know because they are more concerned about money than about the quality of products and health of their customers.

I’m just sick of this. Sick. I have read way too many blogs lately about kids dying from cancer all of a sudden. I’m tired of letting the beauty industry tell me and millions of other girls and women what products to use that will make us more beautiful, less wrinkly, smell great, etc. when really all the products do is lead us closer to death.

My point in sharing this with you folks: Do your research. Don’t continue living in a life saturated with chemicals that may harm you or children, now or later on in life.  Don’t let the beauty industry (or any industry) fool us any more, stand up with me. Get mad with me. Let’s change it.

P.S. I’ve received several comments from people upset that I’ve stopped blogging. That means a lot to me that I’m missed!  But I promise, I will continue blogging, but just need a break to let go of the pressure of having to do it. So from now on when I blog it’s because I want to, like with this post.

More Resources:

-Environmental Working Group

-High on Health

-America the Beautiful Documentary

-Food Matters Documentary

Today has truly been one of those days. You know the kind. The lack of sleep, screaming baby kind of day. Oy.

It started yesterday (though, yesterday wasn’t a bad day) at 6am I get up for school, had classes all day, get home at 10pm. And, finally get to sleep at 11pm after a long 16 hour day.

Then the fun begins: 12:30am Savannah is crying for me. I can tell it’s going to be a rough night so I take my pillows with me hoping I can get away with just being in the same room as her while sleeping.  That’s a no go.  Savannah is clearly wide awake, full of snot and cannot breathe so she decides to talk. And talk and talk.  So I decide to put on Peter Pan in hopes that will keep her entertained while she couldn’t sleep, so that I could sleep.  Again, the girl wouldn’t stop talking and called me to get up every 5 minutes for one reason or another.

2 Disney movies and 5 hours later, I finally convince her to snuggle with me and she falls asleep. But then, her stopped up nose is making her snore and I still can’t sleep!  I move her back to her crib and we both (finally) rest until 7am.  So let’s tally up mommy’s sleep total, shall we?  3.5 hours. Folks, I do not do well with lack of sleep. At all (Just ask my husband). But, some how God is carrying me through with an unnatural strength and patience that I do not own (again, just ask my husband). I am certain of it.

So, we wake up and she realizes Daddy isn’t home and the scream fest begins.  Calling Daddy on the phone wasn’t good enough, nothing was.  She normally doesn’t act like this (plus she’d been complaining of her head hurting, wasn’t eating much, stuffy nose, etc.), so I locked myself away from her screaming noise and called the Dr. to make an appointment.  Here is where the skies turn sunny again: she was actually good at the doctor’s office (unlike past experiences).  Hurrah!  We discovered she not only is teething her last set of molars, but has a cold and ear infection.  My poor girl.

Anyways, it’s an amazing thing to start out a day so crappy and exhausted, but see handprints of God throughout your day to lift your spirits. And carry you through when your eyes are half shut. I think I’ll take a nap when she does though. Yes, I think I deserve it.

Today was the last day of finals for Mark and I. That deserves a big woo hoo! Tomorrow begins a month’s worth of doing nothing but spending time with family. Ahhh…

However, this day has not been so good for the technology in my life. 

Exhibit A: My car.

I’m driving the 45 to school, on the high way, with a speedometer that is stuck on 20. So, I don’t know how fast I’m going, just going with the flow and praying I don’t get pulled over. This problem I’ve had for a while which is why I choose not to drive my car if possible, today I had to though.  It’s a gray day, extremely foggy and misty so I’ve got my windshield whippers on medium to keep a clear view. And suddenly, the windshield wipper FLIES OFF! On the high way!  The on the drivers side, of course. I laugh, cry, and thank God at the same time. Ya know, cause things could have really been bad if it was raining harder than it was.  So, I spend the rest of drive leaning over to the passenger side making sure I can see. It looks like an amputated little arm now, my poor car is literally falling aprart. Oh.

Exhibit B: My Computer

I get home for my long day of finals, check my email really quick and accept a blog comment, then go to give Savannah a bath. Then? I come back a few minutes later and it’s stuck on a black screen doing circles of commands.  I immedietely call my personal Geek Squad (aka, my Dad) and he tells me that it sounds like my hard drive is dying. Great. So all my picture, files, personal writings, important emails, past papers, scrapbooking supplies, etc. Gone.  And what I’m really kicking myself about? I had an external hard drive. If I would have taken the time to unwrap the box and use it, my stuff would still be alive.  *kicks self*

So, today I will muster up a “woo hoo” but my heart is really sinking way down to my shoes.  My baby, my lap top, is gone.  And I can’t afford a new one. Let’s have a moment of silence while I cry. No, seriously, I just might cry.

Are you kidding me?! I decided to go with Blurb since that was what people most recommended and they had a $10 off promo code for flickr.com members.  Here is the link to the code, and an image of it:

Now, do you see anything that says a total amount that you have to spend before you get the $10 off? Nope. Do you seen an asterisk or a link (trust me, there isn’t) that explains further details of the offer? Nope. Do you see ANY find print? Nope? Me neither.

So, I spent ALL day. Procrastinating from my homework in order to create this cute little book for a Christmas present for some one special.  I finally get it done hours later and go to check out…only to find that the code doesn’t work.  “Sorry, this promotion cannot be applied to this dollar amount.”

WHAT?  So I email tech support about it and they email with this sloppy excuse:

“Thank you for contacting us at Blurb. I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, the fine print on that promo should read as follows. “Purchase $29.95, get $10.00 off your product total. Share this promotion among 100000 friends. Each customer can use this promotion 1 time. Offer valid between 2008-11-09 and 2008-12-06. Promotion only valid for books created by the customer.”

Some one PLEASE tell me where this fine print is located?  Am I being totally ridiculous by simply wanting want this coupon SAYS not what is SHOULD say?  Isn’t it faulty of Blurb to leave out important details of the promotion? Shouldn’t I still get what exactly what the promo SAYS, since it’s their fault they left out the details? (And did you notice that the date he gave me is a different date than the promo image?)

Are you kidding me?! This is now THREE photo sites that have wasted my time in trying to create a photobook. Why do I have such rotten luck in this area? Or really, why do these sites just suck?

Seriously, tell me if I’m being ridiculous about this. And what to would do about it. Do I keep fighting for “justice”? It’s just not right.

Apparently, I am not meant to have a free photobook.  Last weekend, Inkubook was giving away free photobooks to readers of Simple Mom. So, I upload all the photos and patiently waited…and waited…and waited…

The program froze on me.  I got tired of waiting and just left it be, not wanting to try again and waste my time.  Plus, I knew that I still had a free book from Snapfish thanks to Oprah.

So, tonight I realized was the last day to take advantage of the Snapfish offer and I got to it. I just spent the last two-three hours carefully choosing the right photos (sorting through HUNDREDS).  I’d gotten through 10 pages of designing my book…and see that the credit isn’t in my account anymore.  WHAT?! I just wasted MORE of my time for nothing?  I’m not about to pay that huge chunk of money they now want me to pay. And? Even if I did want to order it? It’s now gone into the world of cyber space, never to be seen again. Even thought I hit ’save.’

GAH, I’m ticked. Stop wasting my time photobook sites!