Just about every afternoon when Mark gets home for work, they all head outside to play while I finish dinner. Occasionally, I sneak away from dinner when I have a minute and watch scenes like this. Moments full of laughter and joy. Bonding. Watching our little zombie walker trying to run away carrying a football practically as big as he is. The way Savannah sequels with delight as she runs away and tries to get a “touchdown.”

It’s the best football “games” there are (and a lot more entertaining than the real deal football for this non-sports-fan!)

When I was a little girl, my Dad would sing to me. My Dad singing is a rarity, even in church with other voices surrounding him.  Maybe that’s why this memory is one of the best I have of him because it was a moment of him sharing a part of himself not many people would see, or maybe its because it was just pure silly fun. See, the song wasn’t your typical childhood song like ABC’s or a sweet lullaby to ease me into a relaxed sleep (that was my Stepmom, good memories there too!).

Nope.

It was about Rubber Biscuits and Wish Sandwiches.

What brings about this memory, you ask? Well, when I bought this onsie for Jaxson last summer while he was still baking in my belly, I bought it for the cute fake tuxedo (a fauxedo?) printed on it. Last week I put it on him since he is finally big enough to wear it and as he crawled away to reveal his fluffy bum…I realized it actually was a Blues Brother’s shirt. And from there, the memories came flying back with a woosh of a red mustang ride.

I vividly remember riding around in his 80′s red mustang…me with my blond hair probably in a pony tail and a super-sized sparkly bow and my Dad with a brown mustache and beard on his young 20-something face. We had a whole collection of CD’s I loved to pull from and make requests (Petra Praise, anyone?), but this song was the best. It always sent me laughing, at least I imagine it did as I think about it 20 years later. It was a Blues Brother’s song called “Rubber Biscuits” and it was a whole bunch of nonsense and jibberish. What kid doesn’t love nonsense?!

The best part was that my Dad would take his finger and move it up and down over his mustached lip so that he could sound like Dan Aykroyd singing this song. He knew all the dialogue and he could roll his R’s in “Rrrrrubber” It. was. awesome. My Dad’s a pretty quiet guy, like me, so I still find this memory such a strange and comforting one at the same time. Strange in the fact that it is sooo unlike him, especially now as our relationship has changed over the years, but comforting too because that’s who my Dad was when I was little.  Ah, childhood! Where singing with your dad on a car ride could make the world seem like a lighter, better place. I didn’t have the greatest childhood, but moments like these made it seem like it wasn’t so bad.

Thanks, Dad. You’re still awesome even if you don’t have Blues Brothers in your CD player anymore. It’s my turn to pass on this crazy song to my kids and be goofy with them (minus the mustache) to brighten their childhood days. And, I certainly think of you every time Jax wears that shirt!

I know I don’t write about adoption much anymore with this whole pregnancy/birth/Mom of 2 thing happening the past year…but it’s been on my mind lately thanks to MTV’s 16 and Pregnant. I went back and read through my journals from when I was pregnant with Kaylee and after placement and I decided it might be beneficial to switch gears away from Mommyhood sometimes.

For starters, we had a Kaylee Christmas visit December 11th. It was amazingly fun as usual! It’s funny though, the older I get the more I end up spending most of my time socializing the with adults rather than spending time with Kaylee. And that’s partly because Savannah and Kaylee run off to play before I barely even get to say hi!  Kaylee did get to meet her new brother though and held him a time or two. The good thing about hanging out with Kaylee’s parents is that I get to hear all the stories about Kaylee, how school is going, her crazy habits that are very similar to me or my sister, and the fact that wants her hair to grow darker like mine is. Good stuff!

As both of our families have gotten busier and busier each year, we have a hard time keeping in touch except around birthdays and holidays it seems. Plus, Kaylee doesn’t really talk on the phone much. So, they got me a web camera so we can Skype! I still haven’t hooked it up yet but it’ll be neat to “see” each other and talk more often if our schedules can align.

I love that Savannah and Kaylee are “best friends.” Totally melts my heart! Savannah counted down the days for a week and every day (a 100 times a day!) asked if we could go NOW? She was so excited to give Kaylee the gift she picked out just for Kaylee. Our Christmas visits are one of my favorite days of the year, probably because we have formed our own traditions each year and for one day we’re one giant family all together :-)

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

It happens every time.

I generally feel great during pregnancy and love it. Despite the 1st trimester gagging, the backaches, and heartburn…I generally enjoy my time with each child in this special time. But something changes in the 8th month. I get emotional, overwhelmed. I cry.

With Kaylee, I was 16 years old and 8 months pregnant my junior year of high school. As the weeks went by the backaches from sitting in hard chairs kept getting to me, the emotions of making an adoption plan were on my mind all the time, and I just felt overwhelmed by all that life was throwing at my young self. One day, I was taking my sweet time walking waddling  in the halls to my class on the other side of the building. I had permission to do so from my teachers, knowing that it was getting harder for me to get around quickly.  But, a male staff member who didn’t know me stopped and said, “Where is your hall pass? You aren’t supposed to be in the halls still.” I looked at him and started to cry. I hate being in trouble and maybe if I could speak amongst my sobs I could have explained. He just looked shocked and like he had no idea what to do with me. Thankfully one of my teachers who did know me walked by and took care of the situation, calmed me down, then told me…”Why don’t you go home, Leah?”  And I did…for the rest of the semester (Thankfully it was just a month or so I missed since Kaylee’s due date was early June) because I just couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore. I promised my doctor if he gave me a medical note I would graduate high school when I returned and would fulfill my requirements from home to finish my junior year (obviously, I did AND went on to graduate college!.

With Savannah, I was working full time. I loved my job and the people I worked with. It was my escape from the maternity home I lived in at the time, the drama of family and knowing parenthood at 19 was around the corner. But again, one day I snapped. I sat in my cubicle and cried at work. I don’t even remember why. Again, my boss came over and said…”Why don’t you go home, Leah? We can get some one else to wrap up your last project.”

Today, I’m feeling the same way again. But its not school, work, adoption, or family drama overwhelming me. It’s my daughter. She doesn’t stop talking, whether it’s about birds eating outside or whining that I won’t give her chocolate milk right now. I can’t seem to find quiet unless she’s asleep. It’s the arguing and crying when I say no. It’s the laundry that doesn’t put itself away or the hundreds of crayons spread all over the living room. It’s that I let Savannah watch too much TV because I just don’t have the energy to play all day or simply even know what else to do with her. It’s that I feel like I do everything to maintain this house and would love help. It’s the void I feel that I haven’t spent real time with God lately. It’s the guilt knowing that we aren’t doing enough as her Mom and Dad to show her about how great God is, to give her a foundation of Truth to have a different life than I lead.  Today I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need “work” in my life.

This time I don’t have a boss to tell me, “Why don’t you go home, Leah? Go relax!  Forget about that Mom or House Maid project you have going on, some one else will pick it up.” Because being a Mom or running a household…you ARE the boss and if you don’t do your job no one will.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, our house, this baby boy inside me. Most days I’m overflowing with joy thinking at how God has blessed us as a family, has blessed me as a person so undeserving. But some days I want to just want to hit pause. And cry.

35 weeks tomorrow. Change is just around the corner…and I’m sure it’ll only get harder.

This post is brought to you by a dose of real life. Tomorrow will be a new day.

3 years ago today at 9:22pm, a little girl entered our lives…

changing us forever.

I tend to sit and reflect on my children’s birthdays (or even my own). Birthdays aren’t just about celebrating for me, but a time to look back and see the growth, changes, and looking forward to what is to come this new birth year.

I honestly have a hard time remembering Savannah ever being that tiny newborn pictured above, or even as a toddling one year old.  It seems like we’ve always had this intelligent, curious, sassy little girl.

The two’s were filled with…well…two year old behavior. One minute she was my best little buddy and the next she was throwing a tantrum because it was time to leave the library. But even on a long, frustrating day there was always a redeeming moment that made the whole battle worth it; Like her falling asleep in my arms as if she was a baby again, or making up a new game before bedtime. Those moments are what keeps us Moms hanging on.

The two’s exploded our home with new words and an imagination that doesn’t stop, even at 2 am.  New skills emerged, like discovering her love to be crafty or cook like her momma, learning numbers and letters, how to build with blocks or finish puzzles.  The two’s brought new stories and voices (coming from the two year old mind/mouth) of princess dolls, Thomas the train, or anything she felt needed a voice. It seems like a new discovery was made every single day, it was a mind blowing year of development. It was the year we finally got sleep issues under control. The year she finally gave up the pacy and crib, officially becoming a “big girl.”

And now, we have a three year old. I imagine that means even more development, independence, and sassy attitude but I hope it also means more great memories as she blooms into the person she is.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! We love you, oh, so, very much.

My, how we’ve come so far in just 3 years.

As individuals and as a family.

I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

Holy Moly! Has it been 2.5 weeks already since I posted?  Going out of town through my life out of whack and I’m still trying to catch up with all the things I’ve missed (101 emails, anyone? or 100 blog posts to read? or 174 facebook updates?).

Today was the first day of classes and I can tell I’m going to have a challenging, work filled semester. Thankfully, it’s the last one, but bear with me as I post when I can between assignments and the 100′s of pages of readings on top of laundry, spending time with Savannah, planning her 3rd birthday party, and oh yeah…buying a house and moving all our stuff and making it look presentable. I’m stressed just thinking about all this and I have a feeling my blog posts will get pushed down to the bottom of the to-do list. 

Hopefully coming this week:

-Christmas pictures

-Kaylee visit!

-My mommy getaway trip recap

-House news

In short: a lot has happened in the last 2.5 weeks so be ready for update overload!

I hope yall had a fantastic Thanksgiving!  We’re enjoying our trip to see my family and lots of good food, of course. We’re having a second Thanksgiving tonight with more family and to eat foods we didn’t get to eat yesterday (like stuffing and watergate salad!).  I know that we should be thankful for our lives and things within our lives every single day, but I’m glad we have at least one day a year to remind us of that and allow families time to take off work to be together.  We’ve got much to be grateful for and my heart is swelling with thanks.

I can’t believe Thanksgiving has technically already come and gone though. And, while I love Thanksgiving for the food and family time, I love that it also officially kicks off the holiday season and I can bring out Christmas music and movies without feeling lame.  My family’s tradition goes something like this: eat food, do lots of talking, come home tired, now bring out the Christmas movies! As soon as we got home from Thanksgiving lunch yesterday, we popped in The Polar Express (Savannah was in my lap the entire time because it was intense for her! I loved all those snuggles).

And now that it’s Friday, I can especially bring out my music favorites: Snowed In (renamed as The Christmas Collection here) by Hanson and pretty much anything by Amy Grant. It’s just not Christmas without them.  Don’t laugh, I was in love with Hanson as a 90′s kid and they still have a spot in my heart. Sure, this CD is pre-puberty and they sound a bit like girls compared to their latest awesomeness in a CD now that they are in their 20′s, but like I said, it’s just not Christmas without these songs!

Less than a month until Christmas! Crazy…

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.