I’ll admit, I spent all day Sunday crying my eyes out after my labor stopped Saturday morning and obviously has not picked back up yet.  I kept thinking, “But it was REAL! I dilated 2cm! I had real contractions! I should be holding my baby right now!” and then I would start crying all over again.  I realize now that I needed to grieve that birth I felt I should have had on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was very, very real and emotionally it has been difficult to move past the thought that I did something wrong, that I should have done something more to keep the contractions going, etc. But, after “grieving” what felt like a loss,  I’ve got a new perspective. Yes, it stinks that I’m not holding my new baby boy right now and my family all drove hours without getting to meet him before having to leave again, but my eyes have been opened to realize things about this birth when it really does happen.

1) I learned what real contractions feel like (or, at least much more real contractions than I’ve had before). Oh yes, they feel very different from all the prelabor contractions I’ve had in the past 3 weeks. From the first one I felt at the mall checking out Chicfila, I could tell it was different. Prelabor for me was period type cramps with random tightening and felt more like braxton hicks. Real labor for me feels like extreme tightening moving from the top of my legs up my belly and definitely had the “wave” and “peaks” that people talk about. However, I wouldn’t call it pain. I am choosing to believe that childbirth doesn’t have to be the excruciating painful thing that people portray it to be if I let go of that fear and relax with it. It was uncomfortable, yes (I didn’t want to move during them) but it just felt like EXTREME tightening running up my belly. I also learned my belly even shapes differently. Braxton hicks looks more like a basketball and round, real ones my belly squares out some. I’m glad to know the difference now, so I will know when it’s real next time.

2) I learned how I handle the contractions. I’ve been reading about Hypnobirthing and using relaxing CD’s, along with my faith in God, to prepare for labor and got to use them on Friday. It was so incredibly helpful! My favorite is Comfort Zone by Steve Halpern, it seriously can put me to sleep (or at least in a deep relaxation) any time, even during contractions. Mark told me afterward that at one point he looked over while I was in the birthing tub that I looked so relaxed he was afraid I’d fall asleep and drown!  Sure, I hadn’t got to the transition phase yet so things weren’t too intense but it felt good to know that I can relax and just trust my body through contractions.

3) I learned that I don’t need much support during labor (again, it may be different during transition/pushing phase). While laboring I just wanted to be alone! I wanted the lights to be dim, to put my headphones in and walk around the room or be in the tub.  Mark was actually in the room sleeping the majority of the time (as was my Mom in the waiting room) and the midwife would come in every hour to check how I was doing and Jaxson’s heartbeat.  This is a huge change to me because I felt like before I would need lots of support and advice of what to do to help manage, but I was totally okay and new instinctively what I needed to try. And that feels pretty good to have a sneak peak to boost my confidence even more to know I can do this!

4) I got to know my midwife more personally and how things work at the birthing center. Enough said. It was a fantastic experience of the 12 hours I was there. I can’t wait for “Part II” of labor, it was such a relaxing environment for everyone there.

5) I also learned that I only want Mark and my midwife in the room when I actually deliver Jaxson. I thought I wanted or needed lots of people, like my Mom, Stepmom (they’ve been to my past births), and even a photographer. But, I realized that this is such an intimate time. Not just exposing very personal body parts, but emotionally this birth will be hugely different than when Kaylee or Savannah were born. I can’t explain why it’s different, but it is. Best put, it just feels intimate and like it’s something special for just Mark and I as a married couple to be welcoming our child into the world after so much work (versus just laying in a hospital bed waiting for the doctor to tell me to push).

6) I hate to admit this, but before last Friday I wasn’t sure Mark would know what to do when I went into labor because we haven’t had a baby this way before.  Friday (and this past 5 days in general) has shown me that he is perfectly capable of knowing what needs to be done and listening to my needs. He has been such an incredible support emotionally and physically, I’m so blessed to have him!

7) I learned to trust my body, baby, and God…that if it stalled there must be a reason for it (I still struggle with this in some moments, but peace quickly fills my doubts when I bring the worries to God again). I may never know why it stalled, but at least it was a learning experience on so many levels :-) Spiritually God has taught me so much in this waiting time, He has used this time to draw me closer to Him and it has also been a huge bonding experience for Mark and I.

Like I said, of course, I wish I was holding Jax right now. But I’m glad that in this waiting time, although frustrating and heartbreaking at moments, it has taught me important lessons and most importantly grown my faith stronger than its been in a long time.  This will all be worth it in the end, right?

P.S. 5 days over due at this point and going for a nonstress test this afternoon. Praying that I get see Jax’s sweet face on an ultrasound, that would make this waiting slightly more bearable :-)

I woke up Sunday, mentally planning my day in my head and I had a nagging feeling I had homework to do like I normally do on Sundays. Not anymore! Ever! Today is my first day “free,” a day I should be in class but instead am home like I will be for who knows how long.  Savannah got up super early this morning and so a I sipped a cup of coffee and started my day with the a reminder from the Bible about God’s stability. I sat outside at 7 am, taking turns between watching her jump in puddles and dance with a zebra umbrella while I read from a devotional and related scriptures.  Normally rainy gray days and 5:30 wake up calls would make for a grumpy mommy, but today my heart is full with gratitude and couldn’t help but see the beauty in the rain today. I saw it in the joy on her face as she stomped in puddles and squished her toes in mud. The joy in being wake to see the sky slowly light up behind the clouds. The joy in being outside before most of the neighborhood was even awake and hearing the pitter-patter rain up close and personal. I saw it in the verses I read, the reminder of God being there, a stability in life, even when I haven’ t been tuned in to Him.

Mark left for work this morning and told me, “Have a great first day of the rest of your life!” And that is exactly what today feels like. It feels like a brand new page turned, a new chapter in this life of mine.  It feels like a new beginning where I can focus on a new part of me, to be a hands-on Mom I didn’t have time to be before, the wife who can actually keep up with the dishes and laundry, a writer who can write again, a child who can actually hear the voice of God once more. I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know exactly what this chapter holds. I know that I have my own visions and plans, but I know also that God will “establish my steps” (Proverbs 16:9) and things will happen in His way and His time. That’s comforting.

So, here’s to the first day of the rest of my life. May it hold many beautiful things like this rainy morning.

P.S. Pregnant or know some one that is? There is a new review up (see, I have time for things again!) on “The Hot Mom to Be Handbook” by Jessica Denay.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

How many of you stand in front of your mirror each morning, loathing the way you look? Your acne, your hair color, the size of your hips and thighs, the way your nose is shaped. I, like the most of America, am guilty of all these things. I compare myself daily, many times a day to other women. From magazines, movies, to even Barbie dolls, we’ve all grown up with a skewed perception of beauty. We’re comparing ourselves to something that isn’t real. An image that has been made into what society idolizes as beauty, and looks nothing like the original image, nothing like you or me.

Accord to research the Dove Self-Esteem Fund conducted, globally only 2 percent of women describe themselves as beautiful. TWO PERCENT! That’s crazy talk. The problem is that low self-esteem affects everybody. From 60 year old women concerned about their wrinkles, down to 5 year old little girls concerned with their weight, this crisis is affecting every one of all ages. I have an 8 year old sister who is already self conscious of her body in a bathing suit and obsesses with finding the perfect outfit. And why shouldn’t she, when constantly the media tells us we should fit their fake mold? That tall, skinny, and young is beautiful? In case you haven’t noticed, we are human. We aren’t plastic dolls that can be melted into whatever form we want to be in. We can’t erase our wrinkles and make our eyes larger with the touch of a computer button. This is real life, with real people, real bodies. What most of us don’t realize is that we have real beauty just the way we are. It’s not just about physical appearance either, but about how we succeed in life as well, from our domestic duties to school grades. The world tells us we should be perfect at everything we do.

So what if we’re not perfect? Low self-esteem can lead to depression, eating disorders, self-abuse such as cutting, or being sexual active too early (just to name a few…).  It’s scary how one issue, can lead to so many devastating and life altering issues. And that one issue effects the majority of girls and women around the world.

It’s time to take a stand against this, folks. It’s time for us as women to realize that we are all beautiful just the way we are. Put down that magazine with all the 6 foot tall super skinny models.  Turn off the TV with perfect looking news anchor or Martha Stewart’s perfect holiday decor. Think before you give your daughter that Barbie doll for Christmas.  Turn you negative thoughts into positive ones, think about some thing you do like about yourself. Surround yourself with people who are positive towards you and don’t judge others just as you don’t want to be judged only by your outward appearance.

As Dove says, talk to your daughter to you daughter before the beauty industry does.  I know I as a mother of girls do not want them to grow up hating their bodies or dealing with the constant pressure of being perfect upon them.  We’re human, none of us can be perfect and it’s silly to pretend we can be.  I want them to embrace their flaws and see themselves as unique.  It starts with us, as Moms. Moms who can start to love our selves and in turn it shows our girls, who admire us and mimic our actions,  that they don’t have to live up to perfection either.

Want help with talking with your daughter about these issues? Want to bond with your daughter?  Dove’s website Campain for Real Beauty has amazing resources for both women and girls. I highly, highly recommend taking a look. Watch the videos, they are eye opening.  Read the articles, see the statistics and full report, and participate in the free tools they have. It’s all wonderful and encouraging stuff.

And?  Dove has provided me with 2 books to giveaway! I’ve scanned through both of them when I did my research for one of my classes and honestly, I thought about not doing a giveaway so I could selfishly keep them myself. But, I know that there are so many out there that struggle with this issue and I wanted to do something to encourage others to break past this issue.

First up is the book, “Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters” by Courtney Martin.  This is a fantastic book that covers many issues that are an outcome of low self-esteem. Courtney tells of her own struggles and the stories she found through many interviews with other girls.  I love the image of the perfect girl on the outside and the starving girl on the inside that she talks about. This is a must read, whether you are the lucky winner or not, whether you struggle with image issues or not, it can be a great source for Moms to understand their daughters better.

The second book is “Life Doesn’t Begin 5 Pounds from Now” by Jessica Weiner. Also, a must read.  It’s a step by step guide to loving your body as it is today.  It has wonderful tips and reassuring information that you are not alone. And ya know, how to love yourself for who you are now.

If you’d like to win one of these, simply make a comment on this post telling me which book you are most interested in receiving. Comments will close Thursday, December 18th at midnight. Two winners will be chosen at random, one for each book, and announced on Friday December 19th.

Good luck! And remember…You’re Beautiful. Pass it on.

I know I’ve been slacking on actual blog content lately, I apologize.  It’s so hard to balance time and creativity! When I think of something to write, I can’t take the time to write at that moment. When I do have the time, I can’t think of what to write or should be using my time in another area. But, I wanted to take a minute to write about what I’m thankful for this year. I’ve always heard the phrase, “Count your blessings” growing up, and it’s true that as you start thinking of all the ways you are blessed, life starts feeling a little lighter. And truth be told, these are only a few and very general things of all that I am grateful for.

1. My God. He carries me through each day, no matter how distant I become and gave me all the blessing listed below, that I so do not deserve.  Not to mention, He unselfishly died for my sins . Thank you, Jesus.

2. My Family. The people who support and love me the most despite my flaws and goofy aspects.  Family who have housed us, fed us, taught me about God and love, gave me good genes to pass on, make me smile, and share an indescribable connection with.

3. My Husband. Again, for loving me despite my flaws and goofiness (you have no idea…).  For sticking with me even when it’s tough and we’re stressed to the max. For watching chick flicks with me and buying me my favorite ice cream just because. He’s so good to me, and again, I so do not deserve it!

4. My Kids. Man, I love them. No matter that I parent one and not the other, no matter that each relationship is different, that they themselves are different. I love them. That bond can never be replaced.

5. My Daughter’s Parents. For giving Kaylee a life that I couldn’t at the time of her birth. For always having an open heart and sharing their lives with me.

5. The fact that in 3 short weeks school will be over! And I get an entire month off!

6. The fact that though school drives me crazy and makes me stressed, God has provided a way for both Mark and I to finish our education for free. He’s so good!

7. Our Church. We aren’t nearly as involved as we should be or as I’d like to be. But, I am always, always encouraged by the messages and seeing how God is working through those people.

8. That Gas is low right now. I was seriously scared for a while there.

9. Food. I may be small but I still love me some food.  I’m grateful that we have a safe, warm place to celebrate thanksgiving with more fresh and hot food than we can eat in one sitting.

And finally…

10.   My Blog. It’s my little writing baby, my place to be me.  And, ya know, I get to “meet” awesome people like you guys who encourage me and let me know that I’m not alone in this motherhood journey. Thank you.

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving, folks!

You know there is something wrong when I’m falling asleep on the couch at 5:15, with my crazy kid screaming around me, the TV on and other various music and conversations. I normally MUST have it dark and quiet, with a fan on to be able to sleep. And even then it takes me 30 to an hour before I can actually fall asleep.

So ya, I’m definitely sick now.  Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to be as bad as what Savannah had with a fever and nasty ooey gooey nose. But man, I just can’t wait to crawl into bed in, oh, about 5 minutes.

The good news is that I got a blog award today! Thank you Dusty at To the Moon and Back.

The Marie Antoinette- A Real Person Award. The rules for this award want you to reflect who awarded it to you, display the icon, and pass it along to seven (7) other bloggers.

I would like to pass it on to:

Jill at Live, Laugh, Blog

Lindsey at The R House

FireMom at Stop, Drop, and Blog

Victoria at Living the Dash

Mandy at MandyMom

I know it says to pass it on to 7 but my brain can’t think of anyone else at this time.  Pass it along folks! Just don’t pass on the cold I have with it.

Alright, I finally have a chance to just sit and breathe and write.  Between the crazy end-of-school semester demands, traveling, and now a sick Savannah, it’s been hectic around here. And it will only get worse.  Which, is why I’m glad I took a week off to figure out what is really important in my life right now and refocus things.

First of all, I’ve loved reading all your comments of encouragement and knowing that there are others who struggle with time management as well.  I’m glad that God used this blog to reach others and remind us all where and how we should be spending our time and talents.

Things I learned this week from staying off the computer except when needed:

1. Holy cow I can get so much more done! I was able to get the house cleaned, loads of over-due laundry done, pack for my trip, etc. I felt so much more productive and efficient.

2. Gosh, I love my little girl. Not that I needed time off to learn that, but rather I was reminded how amazing she is and to treasure it more.  We turned off the TV for most of the day, watching way less than before and playing out side if it was warm enough.  So, therefore we spent more time bonding and making goofy games and just having fun.

But sadly, that was about the extent of my effort.  I tried to go to bed earlier and spend some time reading the Bible before bed but that only lasted for a night or two.  I felt no closer to God than before, as He was just an after thought after my day was done and I hardly remembered to even pray before I went to sleep because I was just too exhausted.

Today though, I set my alarm to get up for school 15 minutes early so that I could use those few minutes for some quiet time between me and God in the mornings.  What a difference it makes to start you day with God!  I felt like I started my day on the right track and I felt much more connected with Him throughout the day.   I highly recommend sacrificing a few minutes of sleep to spend time in His word and devoting each day to His glory.

In fact, I feel motivated now to start waking up every day at 6am, even when I don’t have to, so that I can always get that time with God and start my day productively. If you know me, this is totally not me. It must be a “God thing” (as Victoria would say, which deserves a whole post devoted to our visit! Coming soon).  I am a girl who likes her sleep and likes to sleep in whenever possible, so to want to give up that precious sleep to be near God is not of me. And I’m so thankful for that.

So, that’s really my week in a nutshell. Improvements, disappointments in myself, but God is still working on me (and always will be, I suppose!).  I’m just glad to be starting some where, not matter how small the start, and taking action against the sloth my life was becoming. I want to live!

What do you do to keep your priorities in line?

I’m beginning to wonder if my change of interest and minors from Journalism to Woman’s Studies is more than just that…a change of interest. I’m beginning to feel dreams take root in my heart. Yes, writing is one of them still. But, more than that. Helping other young teenager girls like I once was…pregnant, scared, and stubborn. Maybe even reaching out before that happens, before sexual activity at such a young age, before something so valuable is lost, before they even begin looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places. I could be some one to encourage them that confidence in their self and knowing their self worth, and beyond that how precious they are in God’s eyes, is far worth anything that compromises giving up something so valuable.

Actually, to be honest, this isn’t a “new” dream. Since my pregnancy and birth of Kaylee I’ve wanted to reach out to other young women. When I first started college I wanted to be a social worker, like the social worker I had throughout my pregnancy and post-placement. She was, and is, amazing. I loved the idea of helping other girls through something that I had already been through. I could be the counselor that had been there in their shoes and understood like no one else could. The problem was, I am shy. I can barely hold a conversation with my family members, let alone a stranger pregnant girl with raging hormones that doesn’t want to be in my office. It wasn’t what God called me to be, the job would be more than I could handle on a day to day basis.

After I made that realization, that’s when the writing passion kicked in even more and I moved to an English degree. Still, I get the urges often to do something to help others with my story and experiences. I have a feeling that God is moving me towards the Woman’s Studies area to do just that. To bind the gift of writing He’s given me with my heart to help others. I don’t know how He will use it, or when, but I feel that sense of purpose deep inside. It’s that purpose that is helping me actually feel excited about classes starting in a week (gulp). I’m even feeling the urge to volunteer some where. But where?

Again though, the issue will be hoping and praying that God will open a WS course at the right time for me to stay on track. Of course, as some one told me, God has always “had my back” with this sort of thing so if it’s His will, it will happen. I have faith in that and I’m excited to see how He will continue working in my life.

Also, I want to emphasize that this is not about me being a “man hater” *ahem, family of mine* I promise, I am not and will not be a “man hater.” I’m married to one of the best men there is and have a wonderful Dad who I could never hate. Just because some men are creeps, I realize that that doesn’t make all men creeps. Just like not all Woman’s Studies students are against men. It’s a stereotype. My goal is simply to learn more about women.

You know what my husband told me this past weekend?

I’m glad that you can be at home with Savannah. You know why she behaves so well? It’s because of you, you taught her that.

I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, but it’s true. For the most part (ya know, aside for the typical toddler temper tantrums), Savannah is a wonderful child who is sweet, smart, and funny. The girl isn’t even 18 months old yet and says, “peas” and “tank oo!” Someone had to teach her that, right?

So hi folks, I’m a great Mom! It’s nice to be recognized for it by some one else. Especially by a man who works so hard to provide for us. Thanks for all you do too, Daddy O.

Remember that hand-me-down dress shared from Kaylee to Savannah? Well, I found something even better in that same box from Kaylee: My own dress.

I had this picture taken when I was two years old. I know, I was cute, wasn’t I? This has always been my favorite picture of me as a child, me in my “fishy” dress. Which, until last week, I really thought it was fishies. But apparently they’re whales (it almost was a “Santa isn’t real?!” moment inside). And now 4 girls have worn this dress: myself, my little sister, Kaylee and now Savannah.

And I’ll keep holding onto it for Savannah to pass down one day, too. Of course, it could be completely out of style by then, but oh well. Memories are memories, treasures and treasures. No matter how out dated.