It happens every time.

I generally feel great during pregnancy and love it. Despite the 1st trimester gagging, the backaches, and heartburn…I generally enjoy my time with each child in this special time. But something changes in the 8th month. I get emotional, overwhelmed. I cry.

With Kaylee, I was 16 years old and 8 months pregnant my junior year of high school. As the weeks went by the backaches from sitting in hard chairs kept getting to me, the emotions of making an adoption plan were on my mind all the time, and I just felt overwhelmed by all that life was throwing at my young self. One day, I was taking my sweet time walking waddling  in the halls to my class on the other side of the building. I had permission to do so from my teachers, knowing that it was getting harder for me to get around quickly.  But, a male staff member who didn’t know me stopped and said, “Where is your hall pass? You aren’t supposed to be in the halls still.” I looked at him and started to cry. I hate being in trouble and maybe if I could speak amongst my sobs I could have explained. He just looked shocked and like he had no idea what to do with me. Thankfully one of my teachers who did know me walked by and took care of the situation, calmed me down, then told me…”Why don’t you go home, Leah?”  And I did…for the rest of the semester (Thankfully it was just a month or so I missed since Kaylee’s due date was early June) because I just couldn’t emotionally handle it anymore. I promised my doctor if he gave me a medical note I would graduate high school when I returned and would fulfill my requirements from home to finish my junior year (obviously, I did AND went on to graduate college!.

With Savannah, I was working full time. I loved my job and the people I worked with. It was my escape from the maternity home I lived in at the time, the drama of family and knowing parenthood at 19 was around the corner. But again, one day I snapped. I sat in my cubicle and cried at work. I don’t even remember why. Again, my boss came over and said…”Why don’t you go home, Leah? We can get some one else to wrap up your last project.”

Today, I’m feeling the same way again. But its not school, work, adoption, or family drama overwhelming me. It’s my daughter. She doesn’t stop talking, whether it’s about birds eating outside or whining that I won’t give her chocolate milk right now. I can’t seem to find quiet unless she’s asleep. It’s the arguing and crying when I say no. It’s the laundry that doesn’t put itself away or the hundreds of crayons spread all over the living room. It’s that I let Savannah watch too much TV because I just don’t have the energy to play all day or simply even know what else to do with her. It’s that I feel like I do everything to maintain this house and would love help. It’s the void I feel that I haven’t spent real time with God lately. It’s the guilt knowing that we aren’t doing enough as her Mom and Dad to show her about how great God is, to give her a foundation of Truth to have a different life than I lead.  Today I feel overwhelmed with all the things that need “work” in my life.

This time I don’t have a boss to tell me, “Why don’t you go home, Leah? Go relax!  Forget about that Mom or House Maid project you have going on, some one else will pick it up.” Because being a Mom or running a household…you ARE the boss and if you don’t do your job no one will.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, our house, this baby boy inside me. Most days I’m overflowing with joy thinking at how God has blessed us as a family, has blessed me as a person so undeserving. But some days I want to just want to hit pause. And cry.

35 weeks tomorrow. Change is just around the corner…and I’m sure it’ll only get harder.

This post is brought to you by a dose of real life. Tomorrow will be a new day.

I haven’t even logged in to this blog in over a week, simply because life is crazy right now with the middle of the semester already here (hurrah for flying by!), which means midterms and papers and presentations are constantly weighing on me right now.  Not to mention including life with a two year old, play dates to go on, trips to see family, and my trip to see Bre in two days! Life is busy, but quite good.

But, in logging in to make a quick update I was shocked. Stunned. I had 17 waiting comments, all making remarks about adoption on the 16 and Pregnant Update (click there to read the comments). I will tell you, I did approve them all because I accept and respect that everyone has a different opinion. I also believe that all those opinions and perspectives should be heard.  But, just as a reminder, please be respectful of my (and Bre’s) positive view as well. We did what we thought was best at that time in life for our children and we stand by that decision.

I do though feel the need to specifically address this comment from “Lazy Susan” regarding my post about Surviving Adoption.

“Well, as long as YOU survived! How selfish to only think of yourself–what about your child?”

Have you read anything about my adoption story?  If you have, you would see that the choice of adoption was not a selfish one in the least. I wanted to parent her, I wanted to be her mommy, but I knew in the dept of my heart that she deserved a better life than I could offer at 16 years old. So, I actually find my choice to be one of the most unselfish things I’ve ever done in my life because I put her quality of life priority over my desires to be a mother. And, I can tell you nearly five and half years later, my daughter is “surviving” as well, if you must call it that. She is where she meant to be, she is thriving, very loved, and knows who we are as her biological family as well. I’m here to fill in the pieces of her life puzzle as she grows, I see it as having the best of both worlds.  And yes, I did “survive” the heartache of the choice and I feel like I have the right to toot my own horn about it. I’m proud to be a birthmother.

Like I said before, I know everyone is going to have a different opinion and perspective and that’s ok.  But, I also have the right to share mine as well. The simple fact is this: Adoption is positive for us. It works for us. You have your views, I have mine.  That’s ok.

(Just do it respectfully, please!)

It’s been quite the drama filled week.  First, it started with lightning striking my parents house last week where me and Savannah was visiting.  Talk about scary! Thankfully, it didn’t burn their house down and they lost things that can easily be replaced thanks to great insurance. But it was a learning lesson to me: protect the “things” I love with a surge protector. I would hate, hate to loose another computer that has all our memories on it or our first big purchase together: our TV. Now that I’ve back home, we’ve had storms every night and we’re unplugging things until we can buy protectors!

Then the next day, I met with the lovely Amy and we had a nice chat over lunch. It was so nice to meet some one who has many shared experiences :-) I look forward to keeping in contact with her more and hopefully have her come down for the annual Birthmom Buds event!

That same day I came home to Savannah running a 104 fever. Again, talk about scary!  Apparently my little brother used to run high fevers as well so my wonderful Stepmom knew what to do to bring it down. Another lesson learned there.  We’re guessing she just had a virus because by Monday she was suddenly better and super hyper.

Monday Savannah and I drove back home on a whim to surprise Mark with our homecoming. He wasn’t expecting us until the next day or later depending on how Savannah was feeling.  Surprises are fun!  However, on the way home I hit a horrible storm in which it was pouring down so hard I had to pull off the road and pray no one would hit me.  Very scary.

But to top the last few days off, Mark took today off to spend time with us since we’ve been gone for over a week and it was much needed. Especially, especially since Savannah and I got little sleep last night and we were both grumpy. Who knew a 2 year old could have an attitude like that?!   Having him home helped me keep sane and be able to take TWO naps today. That’s a blessing right there. All this weeks drama had it’s blessings, things could have been way worse.

Are you kidding me?! I decided to go with Blurb since that was what people most recommended and they had a $10 off promo code for flickr.com members.  Here is the link to the code, and an image of it:

Now, do you see anything that says a total amount that you have to spend before you get the $10 off? Nope. Do you seen an asterisk or a link (trust me, there isn’t) that explains further details of the offer? Nope. Do you see ANY find print? Nope? Me neither.

So, I spent ALL day. Procrastinating from my homework in order to create this cute little book for a Christmas present for some one special.  I finally get it done hours later and go to check out…only to find that the code doesn’t work.  “Sorry, this promotion cannot be applied to this dollar amount.”

WHAT?  So I email tech support about it and they email with this sloppy excuse:

“Thank you for contacting us at Blurb. I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience, the fine print on that promo should read as follows. “Purchase $29.95, get $10.00 off your product total. Share this promotion among 100000 friends. Each customer can use this promotion 1 time. Offer valid between 2008-11-09 and 2008-12-06. Promotion only valid for books created by the customer.”

Some one PLEASE tell me where this fine print is located?  Am I being totally ridiculous by simply wanting want this coupon SAYS not what is SHOULD say?  Isn’t it faulty of Blurb to leave out important details of the promotion? Shouldn’t I still get what exactly what the promo SAYS, since it’s their fault they left out the details? (And did you notice that the date he gave me is a different date than the promo image?)

Are you kidding me?! This is now THREE photo sites that have wasted my time in trying to create a photobook. Why do I have such rotten luck in this area? Or really, why do these sites just suck?

Seriously, tell me if I’m being ridiculous about this. And what to would do about it. Do I keep fighting for “justice”? It’s just not right.

Well…that didn’t work.

She was fast asleep by 7:15 worn out from playing in the sun and taking a walk. I was hopeful that she would sleep through the night, or at least not fight sleep when she did wake up during the night. Nope.  It only got worse. Instead of waking up at 4am, she moved it up to 2am!  And succeeded in fighting sleep, laughing at it even, until 4:30am.  So needless to say, I’m tired. We’re all tired.  Mark took off work today so that I could sleep in, he got up with her at 6:30am.

But good thing there wasn’t a car accident involved today, right?

Actually, there was a worse accident involved as Mark’s Mom fell in the bathroom during the middle of the night and cut open her face right near her eye. She seemed in good spirits despite how horrible the bruising is, the bleeding, and I hear even bone showing. Ouch, ouch, ouch. We’re waiting for her to get back from the emergency room. Keep her in your prayers, would ya?

Let’s back track, shall we? In Savannah’s 15 months of life, there has always been issues with sleep. When she was an infant, it was being up every 2 hours for months to nurse. Sure, the length between night awakenings got longer as the months went on, but it was pretty exhausting up until about 10 months old. Then, something seemed to click and she only wakes up one time now. But now when there isn’t excessive waking up times, there is always something else. She fights naps, she fights going to bed, she gets up way too early, or she insists that you stay in the room with her in order to sleep. Occasionally she cuts us a break to catch up on her sleep, therefore letting us catch up, and she’ll sleep heavenly for a week or two.

Like last week? Heavenly sleep, mostly. There were many nights she slept from 8pm to 8am (or even 9 am! Never had she done that before). If she woke up, it was only once and though it might have taken a while to put her back to sleep (insisting you stay in there with her), she did go back to sleep until at least 7. It was nice.

This week? We’re in hell again. The past few days she has decided that 5am is the perfect time to get up for the day, when clearly it’s not by her tired eyes and laying around (me, too). And last night? She was up at 4am. FOUR! When I went in there to give her more pain medication (she is teething, after all) she looked exhausted and laid back down, but the instant I left the room it jump started her fighting battle that has lasted well into day light. I tried everything to get her back to sleep. Rocking, swaying, walking, talking, praying, rubbing, laying down with her, etc. By an hour I was so frustrated and tense, that I put her down in her crib, walked to my room and punched a pillow. I haven’t done that since I was a kid. As much as I prayed and prayed for answers and patience, nothing came.

Finally an hour and half later Mark emailed work to say he wasn’t coming in today, and took over for me. Thank God for awesome an husband. He then did the only thing we hadn’t tried: the car.  Which, at this point, he has a minor accident backing out of our drive way into our neighbor’s parked car. See. This sleep issue is not good! All the way around!

I just don’t get why my child hates sleep? I hear that separation anxiety becomes a bigger issue around this time, so maybe that’s part of it? Plus teething? Lord, help me.

Last time we had this issue of WAY too early wake up calls, I read to move her bed earlier. And it worked, strange as it sounds. So, I think I’ll try that again, and bust out “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” book while I’m at it for other measures to take.

But, do you have any advice? Is your child (or children) as weird sleeping wise as mine? Have any stories that make me feel better and that I’m not alone?!

A new milestone has arrived.

It’s not a welcomed one though, like when Savannah first rolled over or took her first steps. Nope. This milestone comes with dread. And wondering if we’ll ever be able to go out in public again.  Yes, it’s the public tantrums. *sigh*

Tonight was my first experience of public-dining-humiliation. We went to eat at Applebees with my parents, the nice waiter even brought her a free drink and a balloon! But, that was not enough to keep the new princess-diva happy.  She refused to stay seated in the high chair.  Refused to let me feed her so she wouldn’t dump it every where (it was baby food fruit, very messy. If we were at home, I wouldn’t care, but not in a restaurant).  She screamed and cried, wiggled and squirmed.  I’m sure we were getting lots of looks, but I wasn’t looking and quite frankly, I don’t care (Anyone who has had children should understand!). Finally I had enough and left with only half my dinner eaten.  Thankfully I had taken my own car so that I could do this, other wise, things would have probably gotten really ugly between the Diva and this Frustrated Mom.

I put her in the car, got home as fast as I could legally, washed her off and put her straight to bed. Hallelujah for this peace and quiet now that she is in bed! I was about to loose it. My Mom also brought me a strawberry milk shake home to drown my sorrows and frustrations in. That helps. Quiet moments and ice cream, always a good thing.

Now if only my husband were here. (My hat goes off to you single Moms, I don’t know how you do it.)

It’s been quite an interesting 24 hours!  I’m still getting comments by the hour from the old “Leah’s” blog readers.  I’ve never had this many comments or viewers before.  The web page hits have well over doubled or tripled since all the drama began last night.

People keep saying that they would be so mad if this happened to them. And what’s strange?  I’m not.  I mean, yes I am upset (and worried) that some one has spent the last 9 months stealing pictures and posing as me…but I’m calm about it.  There isn’t a point to get into a furious rage. Yelling at the computer screen and storming around my house with a big pouty lip won’t solve a thing.  Instead, I honestly have been laughing at the absurdity of the stories she had made up about us. And, the fact that I’ve gained a whole bunch of new readers!  I’ve gotten some the of nicest comments and emails from all this, thanks!

It’s a strange, but wonderful peace that I can only point to God to be giving me right now. Because being possessive and easily frustrated is totally me, and this calmness is definitely not of me.  I just know that justice will be done in it’s time and it out of my hands. My prayers are definitely being sent out to whoever the person in, because obviously something isn’t quite “right” to do something like this.

Anyways, just wanted to say another thanks for all the support, nice comments and emails!

Her blog has been deleted, it seems.  I’ve saved what I could for proof (print screen, thanks to whoever it was who suggested that!) and we are looking into copyright laws.  Not sure what can be done but it’s worth a shot. And, at least this person will know we’re serious. And therefore, anyone else who thinks this is a “cool” idea can some how see that they can get caught and will pay the price. Whether socially, or legally.

Just wanted to say a BIG huge thank you to all the “fake blog” readers for solving the mystery and letting me know about it!  You girls all seem so sweet and I’m so happy you’ve found your way here to the “real” me, you are more than welcome here. I promise, we have an even better story to tell over here…and it’s all true!

A big problem. I’ve got a picture stealing, name using, story maker-uper person to deal with. Apparently my life is so interesting that some one felt compelled to take my life and pictures and create their own life with it on line!

This “Leah” and blog is a fake. I repeat: a fake. I’m not 17 years old, not still in HS. Savannah is already born and almost 1 now. Mark and I are already married. I do not have problems with Mark’s parents or my Mom. My Mom was not an alcoholic, etc. This is disgusting, immature, and just plain rude. I will see to it that the site is taken down.

Thank God, she did not touch the pictures of Savannah yet, because then there certainly would be hell. You just don’t mess with other people’s kids.

Seriously, immature. And scary.

Now, with that said. My flickr photos will now be moved to private, so if you still want to view them make an account and add me as a friend. And as far as this blog goes? I’m going to have to re-think about some serious privacy issues. Any suggestions?

Lord, help this world.