It’s been 3 weeks since my second ultrasound that showed no heartbeat or “progression.”  But my body was growing  so I didn’t know what to make of it. Was it a mistake, did my tilted uterus effect their reading of the baby last time, was the baby hiding behind the twin?  I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed about this and always my answer was simply to wait. Or, call it a gut instinct if you don’t believe in God and prayer, but something inside me said “Just wait, Leah.” So I did.  I think part of it was also though that I just really didn’t want a D&C (or actually a D&E is what they do here) because of the fear and the un-naturalness of it.  I was fearful of thinking that even if my baby’s tiny body was inside me and wasn’t alive, I hated the thought of it just being sucked/taken away. And what if technology was wrong? What if it was really alive but the ultrasound just wasn’t picking it up (it has happened before…)? I didn’t want to live with wondering or questioning the rest of my life.

But thinking about it, logically, now that it’s been 3 weeks and just life’s demands on the schedule, this week would be the best time to take action if the baby did turn out to be absolutely gone.   I didn’t want to wait too long to mess with those highly important Kaylee plans next weekend.  And, ya know, the risk of infection from not miscarrying I’m sure raises every day and week.  So, I finally just did it. I called the dr. yesterday after class thinking they would work me in the schedule maybe the next day or Thursday but…they said 3 weeks was way too long and I needed to be seen right then to see what is going on.

My mother in law came with me, Savannah stayed with father in law (God bless them), and we headed out the door quickly since it takes an hour to get there. Mark was still at work and couldn’t/wouldn’t leave since he just started Monday and I was ok with that.  I’m actually glad they wanted to see me ASAP because it didn’t give me anytime to think, stress, and worry like the other ultrasound. I just had to get out the door and drive.  Of course, I said my prayers that it would be totally obvious with the baby, that we would know without a doubt either way His will.  And as soon as I pulled out on our main road, the song “Mighty to Save” came on (which as I’ve said has been a HUGE comfort to me during this past month) and it totally put my nerves at ease and assured me that God is STILL here with me and still has control of this situation.

So, we get there and I meet with another dr. I’ve never met, but liked. He did an ultrasound and immediately I saw there was nothing there. Just a empty black gestational sack (which was actually divided like it had twins so we definitely had twins with the yolk sacs we saw earlier and the division we saw this time).  There was a grayish area to one side that the Dr. said that that is where the baby most likely absorbed into.  And really, I was relieved.  I didn’t want to see a baby up there again, with no heartbeat knowing I needed to do something about it.  I really feel at peace and that God heard my prayers and fears about all this.  It’s just tissue they are removing and that makes me feel better some how.

Yes, I am nervous to have the D&E done simply because of the unknown experience and anesthesia (and HELLO! They are messing with my reproductive system and I still would like future kids!). But, I’m faithful that God again will see me through and calm my fears and provide the doctors with the skills to do it correctly.  I think it will be on Friday, but they haven’t confirmed.  Mark can’t take off work but my Mom is coming down to take me to the hospital and take care of me.  Which is probably just as well since who is it we always want when we’re sick? Mom.

Anyways, I’m fine emotionally and physically right now. I don’t know how I will be right before or after, but I’m sure I’m doing the right thing. It’s just scary getting to the other side of “not pregnant” again.

And so, that’s how this pregnancy story ends.  Sadly. But it’s also joyfully, that these babies are in heaven with some very special family and friends of mine and they never have to experience the pain of this fallen world. I’ll hold you one day.

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.

I had my first midwife appointment on Tuesday to verify that I am indeed pregnant–and I am!  I also was hoping to figure out when I’m due, she currently has me at December 7th but I think it may be later (hoping it’s later for exam sake).  Since I’m unsure, I’ve got an ultrasound schedule for April 30th!  I’ve never had one this early on so that will be neat and she’ll be able to measure for an accurate date and she said I should even see a little heartbeat already by then.

I decided to go with a midwife this time because, if you haven’t noticed in the past few months, I’ve kind of…changed.  The whole natural/green world is really appealing to me and having a midwife seems to fit right along with that.  See, I’ve been induced twice, had two epidurals, etc. and I just want to try things different this time.  I know it sounds crazy but I want to feel what it’s like to go into labor, not just lie on a bed and wait for pitocin to kick in. I want to feel what it’s like to work through my labor pains, to walk around, to let gravity do some work, to be support by others, etc.

I really, really would like to try to not get an epidural this time. With Kaylee, it was fantastic. Everything about her birth was to me. With Savannah? The epidural left my back hurting for WEEKS. The nurse told me that I had a gigantic bruise from where it was inserted and the anesthesiologist dismissed it and my back pain to being from “back labor.” Right. I just don’t want to go there again. Plus, like I said, I don’t want to be stuck in the bed. I want to work through it. I know, I know I sound crazy.

Also, it really bothered me with Savannah that I did not get to hold Savannah or breastfeed right away. I did get to hold her soon after she was born, but it took a minute to wrap her up first. But to breastfeed? THREE HOURS LATER. It was midnight.  That really, really bothered me. I’ve talked with my midwife about all this and she was very positive that that wouldn’t happen again (unless something serious went on, God forbid).   She also said that if I’m not induced I’m more likely to progress faster with this being my third baby, so all the more reason to wait in my eyes. I love my midwife so far! I will still be delivering at a hospital (makes me feel safer “just in case”, but the care and attention will be different. I also have a friend who is a doula, so I’ve already got tons of support lined up!

And after the baby is born…I’m seriously considering cloth diapers *gasp* Again, I know people will think I’m crazy.  But 1) We’re poor college folks and I can buy an entire diaper collection for 3 years for the same prize as what I pay for ONE year of disposables and wipes (about $500-600).  To me, that’s worth a shot. If it doesn’t work out for me? I can sell them and make a profit back. 2) Have  you seen how much cuter they are? I’ll admit, I’m a little overwhelmed looking at all the options but with the help from some experienced cloth mommas I’m slowly figuring it out and what will work best for us.

And lastly, I plan to do a lot more baby wearing this time around. With Savannah I did a little bit for when we went on walks and such, but not so much in daily life.  With a toddler to keep up with on top of a newborn, I think I’ll be needing my hands but also want baby close so I plan to invest in a good sling or two.  Any suggestions?

I guess I’m becoming a crunchy little mom, huh?

P.S. I forgot to tell some super exciting news…Savannah peed in the potty! Of course, now she won’t do it again for me (she was at a friend’s house). But still. YAY for a start!

Some times, you’ve just got to hit play twice. I don’t do it often, but there are days where I just need a few extra minutes with my eyes closed when it’s been a rough night or an extreme early morning wake up call.  This morning was one of them as she woke up at 5:30 am and screamed and screamed from that point on. We have Baby Einstein DVD’s that are 30 minutes long. They’re educational, she loves them, and it gives me some much needed mommy time.  Alert the Bad Mommy police, I don’t care.  I’d rather her watch a few extra minutes of TV then me be in a bad mood the rest of the day…then I really would be a not so good mommy.

That sad, today I have an ultrasound on my hernia spots to see the damage.  From that we’ll know if I’ll need surgery or not. But from my last Dr. visit, it sounds like if I keep the um…digestive process…going then my hernias should be fine without surgery. So that’s good news!  We’ll see if the ultrasound confirms that today.

Also, regarding that same previous post. I did change my minor to Journalism. I’m signed up to take the intro course next semester, so hopefully it will “click” with me more than awful technical writing I’m in now.  It’s not often I dread a class this much, I generally love to learn but these projects are ridiculous!

Now I must shower while the girl is finally, finally napping (I hope).

I made this for TopMomma.com for the fun of it.  I thought it was just plain cute (can the expressions and actions of my daughter get any cuter? Believe it or not, they can!). It may not make sense to any one but to me. But ya know, my whole motto here is that sanity is found in writing. So instead of yelling…go write (my husband is probably laughing at that, because I still manage to yell sometimes). Writing is my therapy.

That said, we got Savannah to the doctor this morning. She has bronchitis, poor girl. But now we’ve got antibiotics and (hallelujah) some cough medicine! So, she should be back to her normal, happy self soon.

School starts back tomorrow. I’m not ready to go back to the stressful world. Goodbye winter break. Hello spring semester.

Yes, our 4 month old who hardly leaves the house, some how, has chicken pox.

I first noticed a bump of puss at her hair line on Sunday morning as we were ending our visit with the grandparents.  I swear, as the the day progressed, and Sunday turned into Monday, they multiplied right before my eyes.  By Tuesday I knew she had to be seen by the doctor.

We did our research online and couldn’t figure out what it was! She hasn’t really been outside and gotten into anything. She shouldn’t have gotten too hot or too much sun exposure.  We hadn’t seen any bugs near here, and would they have kept spreading like that, anyway? We were stumped.

We got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon with her Dr.  He recognized it pretty much from the beginning but brought in other doctors to look, just to make sure.  Needless to say, she was the talk of the office as the youngest patient they had seen with the chicken pox.  He said that he hadn’t even seen a case of the chicken pox in 6 months because the shot they get at the age of 1.

My poor girl though. I hate to see her covered in miserable looking red, crusty bumps.  They don’t seem to bother her too bad, just the ones on her head. Perhaps it’s a good thing she’s so young and won’t remember this itchy time.  Plus, she’s too young to know how to really itch (but her head) so that’s a good thing, right?

This is just yesterday after we got home from the Dr’s.  They’ve now covered her face, on her eyelids, throughout her hair, behind the ears, in the diaper area (those look painful…ouch!), a few on her stomach, etc. and look much, much worse than this picture. I hate to think of it getting EVEN worse, but I know it will. I hate having to see her this way!

We’ve been lathering her up in calamine lotion and giving her oatmeal baths. Good thing she likes bath time. Not only is it fun and relaxing, it helps her to feel a smidge better and not so itchy.

Well, thanks for saving us a shot later on, Mr. Chicken Pox.

I’m tired. Today has been filled with ups and downs and emotions galore.

You see, I went to the bathroom at work this morning and found a big glob of mucus. Gross? Yes, it was. I freaked out because I am just 30 weeks pregnant and the mucus plug does not need to be coming out now. Stay in Savannah!

And then I thought about and all those braxton hicks contractions I have been having and all the pressure I’ve been feeling and really freaked out that maybe labor was on it’s way early. I was scared; so, very, extremely scared for my little girl’s health. I could just imagine her hooked up to all those tubes and her being so tiny and fragile that Mark and I couldn’t hold her. *sigh* I was terrified something would go wrong. And, I was so worried because right now my life is so unstable. I still don’t know where I would live, how we would make our financial ends meet, when Mark would be able to spend time with her. Oh, it was scary.

I called the doctor and after 2 and half fregging hours they finally called me back to say to come in. Good thing I was already on my way because I wasn’t going to just sit at work worrying. If my plug was coming out, I wanted to know if I was dilating or not.

Which, it turns out I’m not dilating and my cervix is in tact. Whew. The Dr. also did some kind of test to see if I was at risk for preterm labor and they just called and said that was negative. Good. Stay in there Savannah! I’m on bed rest for the rest of the day though, just to be safe.

Thoughout all this, Mark was amazing. Luckily he didn’t have work this morning so as soon as I called him he was getting ready and on his way. He picked me up at work and drove me to the doctor. Held me and rubbed my stomach the whole way there. We nearly cried together just thinking of all the things that could happen. I’m so very thankful for him, he’s wonderful. Some day when I really am in labor, hopefully when it’s time for labor, he’s going to be awesome.

(P.S. This is definitely cross posted from my LJ)

Savannah is currently rolling around causing my belly to take odd shapes and random shutters. It’s so neat to see and feel something pointy like (elbow maybe?) travel across my tummy, letting me know there is in fact a little human being in there. It still boogles my mind. 

 Yesterday was the dreaded Gluose Test.  Really, I don’t know why pregnant woman dread it so much, it really isn’t that bad.  I guess it’s the combination of knowing you can’t really eat for awhile, having to drink a sugary drink you don’t know if you’ll like it enough to wantto drink, and then having to sit around for an hour to have your blood drawn.  Each thing in it’s self isn’t that bad, but add all that together? Yuck.  In the end though, I made it through, with Mark by my side making sure I didn’t pass out. And in all honestly, it really isn’t that bad.  Some how my usual constant hunger pains didn’t exist yesterday morning AND I wasn’t grouchy like I normally would be without food. For that, I’ll thank God (I’m sure Mark does too!).

 We also had a regular Dr. appointment that went well.  Savannah’s heart beat sounded good and she ended the listening with a nice kick.  My belly is measuring well too, even thought it seems HUGE on my little body.  And, apparently I’ve gained 4 pounds in the last two weeks.  That means I’ve gained 30 pounds total already, when I still have technically 3 months left. I didn’t want to gain more than 30 period. Guess who will be cutting out sugary drinks and snacks? Me. Not fun. 

  I’m not used to gaining weight, especially so quickly, and having to watch my weight.  I’ve always been a small girl in both height and weight. I’ve always been one of those girls that others hate because I could eat anything I wanted and not worry about it. When I’m not pregnant, even if I wanted to gain weight, I can’t.   Now, it’s the opposite. Oh, pre-pregnancy body, I’d like you back right now about.  Though I’ve been told I still look beautiful, just more “filled out.”  And filled out, I am.  I can’t complain about ALL the effects of weight gain :-)

 After our appointment Mark and I had lunch together.  I was craving a sweet breakfast and thankfully Bojangles had just what I was looking for.  I think Mark liked what I was craving too, I saw him nibble of my cinnimon bisquit! 

 And now that I’ve written all that about weight gain, I think I’ll go eat some Christmas cookies.  Hey, I’m at work, it’s all I have at the moment ;-)