I’m done?

I woke up Sunday, mentally planning my day in my head and I had a nagging feeling I had homework to do like I normally do on Sundays. Not anymore! Ever! Today is my first day “free,” a day I should be in class but instead am home like I will be for who knows how long.  Savannah got up super early this morning and so a I sipped a cup of coffee and started my day with the a reminder from the Bible about God’s stability. I sat outside at 7 am, taking turns between watching her jump in puddles and dance with a zebra umbrella while I read from a devotional and related scriptures.  Normally rainy gray days and 5:30 wake up calls would make for a grumpy mommy, but today my heart is full with gratitude and couldn’t help but see the beauty in the rain today. I saw it in the joy on her face as she stomped in puddles and squished her toes in mud. The joy in being wake to see the sky slowly light up behind the clouds. The joy in being outside before most of the neighborhood was even awake and hearing the pitter-patter rain up close and personal. I saw it in the verses I read, the reminder of God being there, a stability in life, even when I haven’ t been tuned in to Him.

Mark left for work this morning and told me, “Have a great first day of the rest of your life!” And that is exactly what today feels like. It feels like a brand new page turned, a new chapter in this life of mine.  It feels like a new beginning where I can focus on a new part of me, to be a hands-on Mom I didn’t have time to be before, the wife who can actually keep up with the dishes and laundry, a writer who can write again, a child who can actually hear the voice of God once more. I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know exactly what this chapter holds. I know that I have my own visions and plans, but I know also that God will “establish my steps” (Proverbs 16:9) and things will happen in His way and His time. That’s comforting.

So, here’s to the first day of the rest of my life. May it hold many beautiful things like this rainy morning.

P.S. Pregnant or know some one that is? There is a new review up (see, I have time for things again!) on “The Hot Mom to Be Handbook” by Jessica Denay.

I did it!

This was 2 weeks ago at 13 weeks. Tomorrow I am 15 weeks. Isn’t that insane?! Another month-ish and I will be half way through this pregnancy! I’m feeling absolutely fantastic.  14 weeks was the magic number and I have stopped gagging when changing diapers and opening the refrigerator (Oh, what a wonderful feeling to be free of). I have some-what more energy, but still am known to fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 some nights. The belly never goes away now and people are starting to take notice.

And? And! I’m definitely feeling little kicks and rolls now. I swear I’ve been feeling them since 10 weeks, but now the baby is stronger and it is much more obvious. I absolutely love this stage of pregnancy. Well, besides being in the in between stage of clothes, it’s always interesting getting dressed now. Who knows what won’t fit next.

Our “big” ultrasound is set for June 8th when I am 18.5 weeks. Since I’m using the midwife now I’ll be going to an separate ultrasound technician and I get cool extra stuff like 4D image, CD’s with pictures, DVD, and my family/friends have the option of watching it over the internet.  So exciting :-) It’s strange though because even though I thought for a while this may be a boy due to different symptoms and the boy looking 12 week photo, my gut is SCREAMING that it is a girl and Savannah is still insisting it’s a girl. Guess we will see soon enough and I cannot wait!

On a separate note: Yesterday was the last day of exams and I am officially d-o-n-e forever. My family arrives tomorrow and then the graduation fun happens on Saturday.  And, while I think who ever invented the traditional graduation cap and gown was insane and knew nothing about fashion, I will wear it with pride. Even if I feel silly in a square hat.

As you probably gathered from my post yesterday, I’m freaking out a tiny bit. Fear of another miscarriage has a tight hold on me, to the point that it has been hard to even trust the same God that has helped me through so much in my short 22 years of life.  The problem is that I’m holding tight to this little being and it’s scary to let go and let God yet again. Even when I have peace about my miscarriage (and about my adoption) I want to yell, “But you took them away last time! How can I trust you?!”  But like I was told yesterday, trusting God is about trusting Him to get us through anything, not about getting all our prayers answered with a yes.

Still, that is hard to swallow, and the fear continues.

Today (on my hugely long commute to school…) I was searching to “hear” God.  I needed something to help get me through this fear, to bring me hope, peace, and to just be able to breathe again.  I listened closely to song lyrics on the radio, I prayed, but my answer came during class.  Some how amongst talking about female adolescents and how teen girls lose their voices, the topic of control came up. Even, the topic of control and life and death, which we obviously don’t have control of. My (amazing) teacher also pointed out that people tend to think they can’t handle the pain (of any kind…) and try to avoid it, yet some types of pain are inevitable like the death of a parent or child. Death is going to happen, whether we like it or not. And yes we can get through it. It’s not fun, or easy, but pain doesn’t kill us.

I’m not saying I’m preparing to just lay down hope and expect a miscarriage, what I’m saying I realized is that I can’t control whether this little one develops into a healthy full term baby or moves on to be with it’s siblings in Heaven. What I can control is how I take care of myself. I can take my vitamins, I can eat when I’m hungry and avoid those pregnancy no-no foods, I can give up my morning coffee, I can get the rest my body craves.  That realization set me free. Maybe not completely, but it helped me be able to breathe again and put more trust that God is in control and He will see me through whatever comes our way.

Now I just need to keep reminding myself…I can only control me…

Senior year started last week, which is why I’ve been a little more quiet lately.  School semesters mean busy.  I’ve spent this past week reading not one but two novels (thankfully for two children’s literature classes, so they’re easy and enjoyable!), writing responses, and reading articles.  Most of my classes are very interesting and right up my ally so I’m enjoying it so far.

Oh, and the fact that I think Savannah’s nap time is over. Like, she’s done with regular naps forever. So that means I have little alone time to actually get things done. Perfect timing, huh?  I will probably at least make her have “quiet time” to rest where she can look at books and play quietly in her bed, but still an hour of quiet time versus the three hours she was napping is a lot less time to get things done! We did try to shorten her nap but that still didn’t always help her night time sleep. She was staying up until 10 or 11pm because she just wasn’t tired anymore after naps.  The past two days she has gone without naps and though we had a few whiny moments, she was relatively good and now? It’s 8:40 and she’s still sleeping! Over 12 hours!  Amazing. I suppose no naps has it’s pros and cons.

Cloth diapers are still going well. Mark even changed a diaper (it was even number two!) all by himself!  I was proud.  The micro insert stink issue I had, I solved by soaking just the inserts in bleach. That got everything out and has worked well to battle the smell so I’ll probably do that one a month to maintain it. I also think I wasn’t using enough Charlie’s Soap, I read that with Charlie’s you need the full scoop with each wash to really get things clean. Cloth diapering (and motherhood in general…) is a game of experiments. Each person has to find what’s right for them.

And just a reminder, tomorrow is the last day to enter for the Music Giveaway!

You guessed it,  I’m still hanging in there. I think I did a lot of my grieving in the days after finding out that the babies might not live after the first ultrasound, so finding out on Monday that it was what they expected didn’t hit me as hard.  I still feel the cycles of grief, ranging from sorrow to anger, but for the most part I’m doing fine.  I still have no signs of a miscarriage, which probably is the hardest thing right now because, guys, I’m carrying around dead babies and that’s just weird to think about.  Based on the growth of the ultrasound Monday, it’s probably been well over a week since the one with a heartbeat passed away and we’re easily stretching into two weeks.  I’ve read about women taking as long as 6 weeks before it happened naturally, or they went in for a D&C.  I’m not ready to go for surgery yet, so I will continue to wait for God’s timing. I trust He has this in control as well and has a time for the final end.

Thankfully, we’re going to the beach this weekend, and really it could not come at a more needed time.  Not that being out of school and spending my days now reading books and playing with Savannah isn’t relaxing right now, but my soul longs to be at the beach. It always draws me closer to God as I sit in the sand, in awe of the ocean’s majesticness and that He created it all.

And in other good news, Mark is offically a college graduate, finishing with 3 A’s and 2 B’s (I’m quite proud!). And, I’m offically a senior finishing with 3 B’s and 2 A’s.  I’ve fallen a little lower on the grading scale since my sophmore year of straight A’s, but I’m assuming it’s because the classes are getting harder now and I’m thrilled to even just pass some of the classes!  I’m so happy that I am now done with British Lit, Spanish, and Math forever.  It’s a much welcomed day, as those topics were not my favorite what so ever but were required. It’s all English classes and Women’s studies for the next year :-)  It’s hard to believe I’m hitting the home stretch, it seemed forever away and now it’s so close I can feel it.  And really, it seems just like yesterday I was graduating high school, where have the past 4 years gone?!

I probably won’t be around until we get back from the beach, so have a wonderful weekend and week!

I’m still hanging in there, and doing surprising well. Since Monday I have had this surreal peace and calmness surrounding me at all times, like I can literally feel all the prayers giving me strength. It’s a God thing, seriously, because other wise I know I would be a wreck. I still feel pregnant, I’ve had nausea all day today and still no bleeding so I’m hopeful for a miracle but also willing to accept whatever God has in store for our lives. I know He is still God, He is still in control, and He still loves me.  I trust Him to be the author of our story.

Also, on a huge sigh of relief note…school is over!  Of course, it will start back up for me in about 3 weeks but it will be with an awesome teacher and an interesting topic AND it gets me ahead so I’m not complaing.  I love sumer time.  I’m so excited to get back to the library and read books for my own pleasure and not for class. Any suggestions?

Thanks again for all the comments and prayers, they are helping!

Alright all you bloggers, my hubby needs your help.  He is doing a research project on why people blog and needs as many responses as possible.

It doesn’t matter if you own your own website, blog on myspace, livejournal, open diary, facebook, whatever. If you write any where on the web, please take this survey!

Click here to take survey

My hubby thanks you a lot :-)

Ah…the last day of freedom. It’s over. Mark and I start school back tomorrow, sadly.  But I guess gladly as well, since it means it’s the start of Mark’s last semester (hurrah!) and it’s another semester to get behind me as well. Mainly though, I’m totally not looking forward to it. At least I have one cool class, a women’s studies film class. 3 hours each week to watch movies and get credit for it? Fine by me! Otherwise this semester is destined to be even harder than last. I guess that’s what college is supposed to do, huh.

Ugh. End school rant.

Savannah right now though? Is a complete joy. Getting back into our routine at home has made her into a brand new child again!  And every moment I am in awe at how much she is learning and growing. She recognizes colors, counts up to 14, knows tons of animals, uses her imagine, sings along to songs (Hakuna Matata, Winnie the Pooh, and songs from Enchanted are her top favs at the moment).  I adore her. And I can’t believe that she will be TWO in one month and eleven days.  She already seems like a 2 year old to me, so I don’t feel the dreaded birthday doom as I did last year.  Or like every year I experience around Kaylee’s birthday.  Maybe it’s just not close enough yet. But right now? I’m excited to celebrate her birthday–Princess style! (Cause she’s obsessed with every thing Princess right now.)

I should really get to bed to be rested for our renewed routine of waking up super early to get to school.  One more year and 5 months left. I can do this.

P.S.  New review over at the Review blog: Cozi Into the New Year.