A quiet conviction has been stirring in my heart recently, it’s been eating away at my soul and slowly I’ve reached a point I must do something.  See, we’ve been attending church the past 3 Sundays (which, is a record since school started back…) and each message has convicted me of how I use my time, talents, my parenting skills, money, etc. Especially last Sunday, it was a message about stewardship and how we are managers of the gifts God has given us. Not just money, but time.  And that right there is at the core of what’s eating at me today.

Let me share humbly with you of how a day typically looks at in my house right now when I’m not at school:

Savannah wakes up around 8, therefore so do I.  We eat breakfast together and then we go back up stairs, turn on the TV and she watches one of the various children shows while I check all my online “stuff.”  We do this for hours, until we take our showers, eat lunch, and then she goes to take a nap.  I then check all my online stuff yet again, getting distracted from my home duties like laundry and homework for school.  When Savannah wakes up we eat a snack and play, but eventually she’ll demand to watch “Princess” shows again.  When Mark is home, he gets sucked into xbox games.  I’m sucked into checking my online stuff, and Savannah demands to watch more DVD’s.  When Savannah goes to bed, Mark and I are doing the same ol’ thing to the point that it’s way past our bedtime, we didn’t make time for God what so ever, let alone for time as a couple. We get to bed at 11, exhausted and hardly even wanting to have a conversation.

Sure, some days we get out of the house and go play at the park and have more family time. But, do you see the issues here, as I do?  Electronics are tearing apart my family.  We let Savannah watch WAY too much TV for an not-even-a 2-year-old and that kills me. I’m too sucked into my own “need” and addiction of the computer that I’m not being the best parent or wife I can be.  In turn, she’s starting to act out more for attention, understandable. I’m so wrapped up in reading about other people’s lives that I’m missing out on the best gift God has given me: My family.  I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of letting life go by with my staring at this screen all day.  I’m tired of not being connected to God and being an example of Christ to Savannah. I’m tired of not feeling connected with my own husband. It’s time for a change.

So what am I going to do?  I’m taking a break for a week.  Of course, there are some things I do need the computer for, like for schooling, my little letter business, and the reviews I do. But all the other “stuff” that just feed me information about other’s lives like Facebook, Flickr, Google Reader, etc? Even this blog, for a week, I want to put it aside and use the time I would be “checking stuff” to devote to raising my child the right way, building a relationship with my family again, and in general just figuring out how God wants me to use my time.  Continuing to live as I do now is leading me no where, but to bitterness and frustration. I want to live with the glory of God shining through me and everything I do, this is not the way.

Don’t think this is the end of my blog, it’s not.  I truly believe that God gave me my passion for writing as a gift and tool for His glory, but first I have to figure out (or rather, allow Him to show me) the best way to use it. And quite frankly, if I didn’t have this blog and writing, I would go insane! So, I know blogging does have a place in my life. If you need me, email me. But if not, I shall be back in a week, hopefully sharing some enlightful stories of how God is working in our lives. Have a wonderful week!

P.S. While I’m away I will be meeting the lovely Victoria next weekend! I am super stoked, as she is such an inspiration for a God filled life and just a sweat, dear friend to me.  Look for pictures and stories about that as well :-)

Our church showed this video a few weeks ago, it struck me then, and it still does today as I listen to what she is saying. It’s a modern take on the “Woman at the Well” story from the book of John in the Bible. I’m struggling yet again with turning to God for all things. For guidance, patience, parenting advice, financial suggestions, job leadings, relationship counseling, a healer, for gentle whispers to just be still, breathe and know He is God. I feel like I post about this at least once a month now, and that frustrates me that I keep taking my heart and eyes off of Him above and back onto me. I’m selfish, it’s that simple.

I watch this video and wish I had the passion that this woman does speaking, and also like the woman in the story. I wish that I could freely take the “living water” Jesus offers and just let it be instead of accepting it, taking a sip, and then refusing. Maybe refusing isn’t the right word, more like, hesitant. It’s not that I completely disobey and do not believe in Christ. It’s not that I don’t believe in His awesome power, forgiveness, healing, etc. as I have tasted and seen His awesome works and ways. He’s always been faithful and provided for me.

But then, why can’t I keep myself focused on who He is? Am I running scared of being “known”? I know He already knows what this heart contains, my past, my sins, yet I’m scared to be vulnerable. Perhaps I’m running scared of what I know God is calling me to do (of what that is? I’m not sure, but I know it’s big some how. Even if it’s just dealing with my past, that’s big in my world). I feel like when I was pregnant at 16, scared and running the opposite direction (in circles, really) trying to escape what I knew was right. I’ve experienced acceptance of God’s will and seen God’s hand at work in my life before. I’ve seen His grace and miracles. I know what it’s like to just bask in His love, knowing life is much sweeter with Him beside me. Yet, I still run and hide at times. Why? For control, that’s why.

Maybe none of this seem relevant to this video to you, but for me, this video makes me feel a calling back. A calling that says, “to be known is to be loved and to loved is to be known” and that shouldn’t be a scary place to be. It should be a good thing. That I may just be one small girl that often feels unclean with my past stains, yet Jesus made me clean. That I may isolate myself, but He’s still with me whether I chose to acknowledge Him or not. It’s me that separates myself from Christ, not Him that turns away from me.

So here we go yet again, working on priorities. Working on my prayer relationship and spending time with God in His word. I know without Him, I cannot be the best parent, wife, student…anything without Him. (I just wish I could remember that!)

What does this video say to you?

My whole weekend was the best Mother’s Day weekend yet. It started out with the bonding time with Birth Mom Buds (and my Mom!) and then I came home to a super clean room (thanks to my husband!) and these beauties:

I had fun snapping pictures of them and came up with a beautiful natural light photo and then enhanced their beauty even more in photo shop. I think I’ll frame it. I haven’t received tulips before and I’ve fallen in love with them! On Sunday I woke up to a cheerful little girl who enjoyed snuggling with me. She was clingy and lovey all day, she must have known it was Mother’s Day. And of course, I’m left in awe at how fast she is growing. Look how long her hair is getting! We went to church where we watched a picture slide slow of all the Mother’s and children within our church. I proudly/bravely included not just me and Savannah, but me with Kaylee as well. Not many people know that I am a birth mother there (or many people in person, really), not because I’m ashamed but simply because where during a conversation does, “Hey! I’m a birthmom!” fit in, ya know? In a way, I hope people ask, “Who was that other girl in the picture?” so that I can gladly share my story. Anyway, that was my way of sending more love to Kaylee from a distance, that I love her and always thinking of her and that she’ll always be my first daughter who made me a mom.

The four of us, my Mom included, went to eat at the best hamburger and fries place we’ve ever eaten at. Five Guys, anyone? Then it was time to say goodbye to mi madre, but Mark and I had fun heading to the craft store for a project we’re working on. What project, you ask? Well, my sweet and thoughtful husband had the great idea to make me/us a scrapbook of our story for our 1st wedding anniversary that is coming up in one week (can you believe it?!). He originally was going to do it all him self, but the task got overwhelming and time was running out, so he told me about the surprise. Which, honestly, I’m glad he did because 1) How sweet is it to work on a project about love with your love? 2) Scrap booking is just fun.

And, for the cherry on top of my weekend? I’ve made straight A’s again (well, still waiting on one grade but it’s English and I’m positive it’s an A). A whole year of college, 9 classes in a row…I’ve made straight A’s. This little momma with a 15 month old, stress galore, little sleep and laundry mountains to climb has kept a 4.0 gpa. That feels pretty good, ya know? And all I can say is, glory be to God because I don’t know how I did it.

I hope your Mother’s Day weekend was as great and blessings filled as mine!

Mark and I recently started attending a small group within our church. Finally, after months and months of busy schedules and just plain being scared, we’ve made it. And we’ve enjoyed it so far!

For this past Sunday I offered to bring the desert for our dinner/meeting. I was going to go the easy-peasy-boring route and whip up a box of brownies or something. But, I figured I’d out do my self (if I do say so myself…) and actually make something that involves more than 1 box mix, egg, oil and water. Ya know? Let’s impress! Let’s go beyond the bounds of typical.

So, I pulled out the Paula Deen recipe I’ve been dying to try: Eclair Cake. Why it’s call a cake is beyond me because there is no cake to be baked or found near this thing, but it’s amazing none the less. And easy. And, did I mention it’s amazing?

I just had to share with you guys, because you need to try it.

All I have to say is…God is so good.

Today was our church’s 1st anniversary and it’s been a day full of worship, awesome music, celebration and excitement.  Celebration for what He’s done the past year, all the lives He’s worked through, the community He’s built, the lives He’s changed.  Excitement for what’s next!

We haven’t been at the church for a year quite yet, but I feel like I’ve been there from the start helping to root people on and do my small, tiny part.  I’ve never felt “at home” like I had at this church, it’s truly a wonderful feeling to belong to such an amazing group of people that are all so on fire for God.  They’ve encouraged Mark and I in so many ways!

So, here’s my happy birthday card to a wonderful body of Christ.  I just wanted to share the joy in my heart and the excitement I have for the amazing things God has in store, whatever they may be.  We’re excited to be a part of it.

Remember my 2008 goals?  Well, I’ve (we’ve) gotten started on the getting closer to God part. Mark and I have read the Bible and prayed every single night.  My new Bible has been good help guiding us to the topics we’d like to read about. And, since we are (finally) back home we made it to church this morning (which, was an excellent service).

I’m a firm believer that if you ask, you will receive. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we’ll get the answer/opportunity/whatever that you expected because God knows what is truly best for us, but we will receive something (but in His timing).  Well, one of the goals I had in mind for 2008 was to work on our marriage. Like I said, there are no serious problems between us, but I’d rather learn the best way to communicate and avoid serious issues all together right now from the start. So, today at church we found out that there is an opportunity to go to a marriage retreat the weekend for Savannah’s birthday (but, I’ll have to miss a friend’s baby shower…but I think marriage is more of a priority, yes?).  And so, God has opened the door to not only creating a closer relationship for Mark and I, but between us and God as well.  He is a good God, and He does listen.

But about that working out part?  Bleh…we’re not there yet.

Not only am I physically refreshed (thanks to our date night and Savannah slept 8 hours last night, in a row!), my soul is refreshed. We’ve been trying to do better about cutting out traveling so we can actually go to church and further more, to get involved. After 5 or 6 months of trying to go we finally went to info session that helps us to learn more about who our church leaders are, what they believe, their visions, how we can get involved, and finally how to make connections and meet people. Today was the most we have ever talked to people and interacted than we ever have in our many times at church. Normally we drop Savannah off, take our seats and quickly leave after the service because we simply had no reason to stay behind and talk. We knew no one. Today I left encouraged by the many sweet, wonderful, God filled people we met or got to know a little better. God is good.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, there are so many things I want to say and give thanks for. So many ideas and joy that fills my heart. All my life I’ve searched for a church that I truly felt apart of and that filled my ‘ideal’ church desires, that felt like “home” and this church has it all. Finally. Now we are working to make it our home, to do our part as the body of Christ.

For years, Mark has felt a calling to Youth Ministry. We’ve both felt this calling for him and our lives, I knew that I would marry a pastor one day. But, it’s a scary, terrifying thing to leave this “security” (what little there is for this young, poor college family!) and move on into unknown territory that only God knows what to expect and can prepare us for. It goes back to the “To Go or Not to Go” issue. Some how, in my heart, I see this calling connected to the calling of leaving. Not saying it will happen any time soon, but maybe someday.

Today when they were talking about their mission to plant other churches, an image flashed in my head of us working to help create a church much like the Gathering in Boone, NC. While we were at ASU, we did attend church but nothing ever ‘fit’ just right. Either the music was older and more traditional, or the preaching wasn’t quite our taste, etc. There was always something that didn’t capture us like this church does. In fact, as we consider whether to stay or go, one of the major down falls is that we would lose this church.  This is the only place we’ve ever felt at home and fully satisfies our spiritual needs/desires/tastes. I would absolutely love to see a church in Boone like the Gathering, and maybe, just maybe, we could be apart of that in some way. Maybe that is why we feel this calling. They didn’t mention reaching out that far, but still, God works outside our bounds. Again, it’s a big and scary idea. Mark and I seriously get nervous even thinking about the things God could be calling us to, but we’re learning and praying to put ourselves humbly before God, to just let Him work and for His desires to fill our hearts.

Our Paster Andrew was a huge encouragement to Mark and I today in many ways. Everyone we met today and talked more with was an encouragement in a different ways. We are so blessed to know these amazing people! This is what church is about. This is what being Christ’s body is about. For the first time in my life, I get it.

Be encouraged. I don’t know why that keeps playing over and over in my head and heart, but it is. Maybe it’s to speak to some one reading this, I do not know. Be encouraged.