This morning I had the privilege of sitting down and chatting with author Caroline B. Cooney (maybe you remember The Face on the Milk Carton?). Who knew that when I moved here a year and half ago, I would join an online mommy forum, meet a friend, and her mom would be a well known published author?  Not only that, but an author who’s writing I would devour in middle school, staying up well past my 11 year old bed time and reading until my eyes wouldn’t let me anymore. God knew and I’m certain He paved the way!  I’m sure He will continue to go before me as this novel on my heart becomes a reality. This task feels overwhelming at times, but I have to trust He will guide me because I’m absolutely positive He has a plan and purpose.

Coincidentally, that’s the number one thing I got out of our meeting today: how to not make it feel overwhelming. I often feel the urge to write, and then I sit down to type and words don’t come.  My thoughts get muddied with the big picture and I begin questioning my own ability at putting it all together (and God’s ability, too). But, she helped me realize  it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time I get the words out. It doesn’t even have to be written in order. Just write. She advised me that I write one paragraph/scene a day and throw myself into it with as much detail as I can. One paragraph? That sounds so much more manageable! After all, with 2 kids, managing a household, playdates, among other writing projects, its hard to find time for myself to work on this but I’m certain that I have a few minutes during naps or late nights to focus on just one scene as it comes to mind. She’s been writing for many years, with 3 now-grown kids of her own so she knows how hard it can be to find time and balance those roles. Its good to know that being an author with young children can work without pushing the kids to the wayside. Sure it might take longer, but it can be done.

She also threw me for a loop, making a suggestion to write the story as a completely separate fiction story and only some parts of the  adoption experience be drawn from my own life. Its totally different than the approach I was planning in taking, but that’s what the writing process is all about….revising ideas, perspectives, and words. It would still have the overall open adoption and godly message, but with a girl of a slightly different age, different home situation, different location, different appearance, etc. The idea is that I have more freedom since I wouldn’t be tied down to reality. I would be able to add more tension and subplots to keep readers interested in reading, yet still share the message that I feel needs to be shared.

I’m still sitting and praying on that idea of writing a whole different story because I feel strongly that God wants me to tell our story. But in a way, it feels freeing because part of what felt overwhelming before is knowing that as I write our story out I was going to have to dive into personal situations and personify important people in my life, like my parents or her birthfather. In reality this was a painful time for all of us, and while tension and not-so-easy times needs to be in the story, it doesn’t have to be exactly our story to still portray the message I’d like the world to receive.  I also don’t want important people in my life to feel hurt by how I portrayed them. So, these wouldn’t be my parents, they would be this fictional girl’s parents. They would be completely different people. This way, I can also dive into other perspectives, like the girl’s parents views or adoptive parents and not feel like I’ll be stepping on any toes. I feel like maybe this story could be more complete in a way just writing my story couldn’t be as a fiction. Like I said, I’m still mulling all this over and praying about it, I’m feeling very mixed. Its different, but ultimately, I know God will guide me to how its supposed to be.

What do yall think of that? I know many of you were looking forward to reading even more details of our adoption story, what do you think of this new perspective? 

For the most part I feel peace about the miscarriage I experienced back in 2009, as do I about my adoption experience. I felt and saw the hand of God during those times and that only strengthened my faith and brought me the peace I needed, and still need, about those hard times. But some times…sometimes…grief strikes again like a quick flash of lightening. It usually only happens for a minute, but its enough to bring me back to those dark moments, remembering what it was like in those uncertain and heartbreaking times. Times of completely surrendering to God because there was nothing else I could do, I had no control.

Today was one of those moments. I’ve been reading Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back and besides being completely fascinating, it has brought healing and answers to questions I’ve had on my heart for years. I can’t put it down! (except to write this, of course.) What has fascinated me most though is how the little boy Colton describes people he met while he was in Heaven, people he never met on earth and sometimes didn’t even know about until he went to Heaven. One was a little girl who wouldn’t stop hugging him…his sister that her mother had miscarried before he was even born. “‘It’s okay, Mommy,’ he said. ‘She’s okay. God adopted her.” And it hit. Flash. Tears came and I had to tear my eyes away from the book to cry into my hand and pray.  I know my twins are okay. I’ve written poems that came straight from my soul, visions of them free and dancing happily in Heaven. But, I miss them.  To hear a little boy meet his sister and see without a doubt that she is a child of God and that she is okay is confirmation to me, just as it was for Colton’s mom. They’re okay, they’re loved!

What tore at my heart though was what came the next page over. Colton’s mom asks what the little girl’s name was since they had miscarried her before they knew she was girl. “She doesn’t have a name. You guys didn’t name her.” My twins don’t have a name either. They are running (or flying as Colton said) around in Heaven nameless. And it hit me…I need to name them. I’ve felt this for a long time, but without truly knowing their sex I’ve held off doing so. All I have are the dreams I often have of them while I sleep, it’s always one boy and one girl who come out of my tummy early but are always okay. Fitting, huh? Again, its one of those confirmations that brings peace. I’ve always felt it was a boy and girl, but the ultrasound showed them in the same gestational sac, so they would have been identical and therefore would have had to be the same sex from my understanding. But, maybe I don’t understand it. Only God knows, and I feel like I should trust the visions I feel He’s given me of them.

I know this story is about Colton’s family, but I feel like God has used it to speak to me too. It’s like a little message from my twins or my Paw-Paw, that they’re waiting on the other side cheering me on and waiting for the day we can reunite. I feel like I’ve gotten a glimpse of them just as Colton has and it brings so much joy. And while I wait to be with them again this book has shown me to keep having faith, peace, and trust that God is very real and so are His promises, that I will get to hold my babies one day and spend eternity with my dear friends and family that have passed away. That we’ll meet Jesus and fly and see rainbows. That there is a place far beyond what we can imagine with no pain. Colton told his Mom, “Yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.” Oh, my babies, I can’t wait to go there too!  To meet you, to finally hold you, to truly know you.

Until then, they need a name. A name for Jesus to call to them in Heaven and so I can call to them when I finally arrive.

(P.S. I highly recommend this book whether you are a believer in Christ or not! It is very well written and the story encompasses you. Go read it!)

This week has been a rough one. Ya know the kind. A kid wakes up sick and crying, sheets and jammies are changed, just in time to be changed again. Fun stuff. And then parents (in this case mostly Mark, he knew I had to finish school), because they spend time taking care of their precious little one, catch it too. And it’s just a domino effect. Boom, boom, boom. Everyone’s down for the count.

The stomach bug.

Especially when 13 (now 14) weeks pregnant, and you can’t keep hydrated and contractions start. Not fun. We’re all okay now (heard baby’s strong heartbeat again yesterday!), but man, I hate this stuff. Thank you GOD that it’s over.

But all this to say, I’m glad we have a little book called “The Moose with Loose Poops” because I think it helped all of us understand what’s going on in our bodies, even us 20 some year old parents. Of course, I didn’t think to pull out the parent’s guide when we were all sick, but we survived. I won the whole Dr. Hippo book series from Design {for} Baby in a giveaway several months ago and Savannah loves them even when not sick. They talk about common illnesses like cold’s, earaches, sore throats, stomach bugs, fever, in a story that helps them understand what is happening and why. We love them and their worth checking out (they are on Amazon) if you’re looking for some new kids books. It’s educational, but fun too.

On a happier note: in exactly a week I will be a graduate! Right now I will sporting a graduation cap and gown, a belly bump, and surrounded by family. So exciting to finally reach this huge milestone and goal in life :-) Just 3 exams and a portfolio standing in my way…

And an even happier note: with graduation comes a new direction.  What will I do after I graduate? Stay tuned to find out my new goal! Ya know, besides growing a healthy baby and being a great mom and wife. A goal for me.

The O Momma Recommends series is based on products that I find helpful in daily life, that I’ve discovered my self, and have not been paid or supplied the products to review.

This past Saturday I spent most of my day in bed just reading. And, oh, let me tell you how relaxing that was! I haven’t been able to do that in months. What’s even better? It was a book based in Hawaii, so while I emerged myself into the plot and characters, I felt a little bit of the easy Hawaiian life join me. My review of Sweet Life is up on the Review Blog, but over here I wanted to introduce you a bit more to the author, Mia King. The more I read about her through her novels and website, the more she’s quickly topping as one of my favorite authors! I had the privilege to ask her a few questions about her life and I hope you find it inspiring as I do.

1) You moved to Hawaii in 2000 leaving the corporate life behind, why did your family make this decision? Has it been everything you thought it would be?

Just wanted to remind you all that the Tiny Prints giveaway (worth $50!) is ending soon!  September 30th is coming up next Tuesday, so enter while you can. The winners will be picked next Wednesday.

Also, there is a new book review up.  Need a good book to curl up with as fall settles in?  I highly recommend this one!

And so, the arrival of these books marks the arrival of the first day of classes tomorrow.

And that’s only half of them.

Do you see that HUGE book? It’s seriously 3 inches thick. I’m praying that my English Teacher will have mercy and not make us carry that for every class. Holy moly. Or, better yet, that all my teachers have mercy. I’m sure all these books (plus the others) combined weigh more than I do, my little back cannot carry it all.

(And don’t even suggest a rolling book bag!)

I’m off to pack my (non-rolling) book bag.

I mentioned earlier that I’ve read 3 books so far and I had to share what I’ve learned. It’s amazes how stories help reveal things in your own life.

The best so far was “A Time to Dance” by Karen Kingsbury (Any book by her you can’t go wrong, she’s amazing). It’s about a married couple on the brink of divorce and how God brought them back together when they thought it was too late. I have to admit, at times it made me angry to read and watch how silly they were being. Not speaking to each other or when they did it was rudely, or didn’t listen to what the other was trying to say, one character was practically cheating on the other, ignoring God, etc. And yet they both obviously still loved one another. It made me realize that often that is me (not cheating or anything serious!). Whether it’s being too busy sitting here blogging or reading other’s blogs to spend time with Mark some nights, or saying something without thinking, it can put a wedge between us that eventually could build up to be worse if not addressed. Thankfully, Mark is pretty good about being honest and up front about issues like that. It made me see how truly painful divorce can be and that I never, ever want to experience that first hand. It’s made me very thankful for the man I married and work harder to be the best wife I can be.

It also reflected my relationship with God at times (more often that I’d like), where clearly He knows the right path for my life and yet I keep ignoring Him and His commands. As I was reading it was like seeing life through God’s eyes almost…knowing what could be if they would just accept it and not letting pride get in the way. I also felt like God does sometimes when looking down at his people making the wrong choices. Angry, sad, and hurt. Thankfully, they did accept God’s truth and ways in the end and things turned out with lessons learned and blessings just as God promises for our lives.

I’m looking forward to reading the sequel, “A Time to Embrace” as soon as it arrives at my library.

Heather over at Production, Not Reproduction kindly suggested the book “The Tummy Mummy” by Michelle Madrid-Branch in a comment recently.  I have heard of this book before but had forgotten about it, and man, I’m so thankful Heather reminded me it was out there (thanks!). Upon reading reviews of the book on Amazon, I stumbled upon an online friend, Fire Mom at Stop, Drop, and Blog (who I very much respect her opinion and look up to as a fellow birth mom and mother) saying it was a good one.  Her adoption situation is similar to my own: open, domestic, close contact with her daughter and adoptive parents, etc. And then? I found a full review that she wrote on Adoption Blogs that totally sold me.

This book seems to have what I am looking for: 1) A message that I will always love her and made my decision out of love. 2) Her parents love her and will always be there for her. And, what I really love about this book?  A wise owl guides the birth mother through her decision.  That to me symbolizes God’s role in our adoption story and I cannot wait to share that with Kaylee.

So, finally, the search is over.  Though, I’ll just have to deal with not being able to read it before buying it. However, I will be buying it off Target so that for some strange reason I don’t think it’s fitting? I’ll return it to Target.  But really, I have this God-guided peace that this is it.

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions, you have no idea how helpful you have been and how thankful I am!

I am completely frustrated in my Children’s Adoption Book search.  I did some research online, took advice from all your comments, had a good list going but I’m still left empty handed.  I’d prefer not to buy a book online because I want to be able to read it first to see if it “fits” our story, the message that I’d like to send Kaylee (i.e. I made the decision out of love), if it even talks about birth parents, etc. But? When I go to a book store (or the library)? There is hardly anything. Even at the Christian book store there was one book on adoption for kids. ONE. And it sucked.

Is it just me, or does this seem odd?  Do people think that kids are rarely adopted? Do people think that it’s a hush-hush situation? Don’t kids want to hear about how loved they are through adoption? Don’t they have questions that need answered?

I know there are books out there (maybe even good ones) but they are NOT easy to find, and that’s the issue I have. The one book I really want to read is absolutely no where to be found in stores or online, “Pugnose Has Two Special Families” by Karis Kruzel. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh.

The good news is that I will be getting a copy of “Never, Never, Never, Will She Stop Loving You” by Jolene Durrant thanks to the wonderful Coley at Birth Mom Buds. Thanks, Coley :-) At least I have a back up.

And maybe I should order “Megan’s Birthday Tree” by Laurie Lears, but is it too old for a 4 year old right now?  I could save it for later, I guess? Gah. I just wish I could read things first!

I’m at a loss, this is really frustrating me. Sure, her new PJ’s I got her will be cute and practical, but I wanted something a bit more meaningful than that. This world needs to get with the program.

Kaylee’s birthday is approaching fast, way too fast. My little girl will be 4. FOUR. I simply cannot believe how fast the years have gone. This time of the year is always the hardest for me adoption wise, understandably. Many emotions from my pregnancy, decision, birth and post-placement start washing over me. But, it always helps to have that special birthday visit and spend a little time with her.

I was thinking that this year would be a good birthday to give her an adoption book. She loves books and I feel like it’d be a good way to introduce her adoption on a level she can understand. She’s been picking up little pieces the older she’s gotten and I thought this would be a neat way to continue that. Of course, I will ask her parents about this first so 1) to make sure it’s something they are ok with 2) to see if they have one already.

So here’s where you guys come in: Do you know of any good ones? I’ve heard of JamieLee Curtis’ “Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born” but don’t know much about it.

Edit: I just found this one, “Never Never Never Will She Stop Loving You” by Jolene Durrant. This looks like what I’m looking for, anyone else have it or read it? Opinions?

—–

P.S. Trip to library with Savannah by myself? Started out great in the kids section with all the toys but had a melt down when I had to change her poopy diapers (the little boy next to her was holding his nose!). Then, more melt downs as I tried to find a book for me in the adult section. We disturbed the whole floor trying to read/study/whatever. Lots of looks came my way, oh well. I need to go alone next time.