Back in May I joined in a great group of ladies to write on The Charlotte Moms which is a local blog where we talk about anything from fun family events to awesome shopping deals to healthy lifestyles. My little spot is Home & Family, where I cover lots of topics too! I’ve done some DIY projects, storage solutions, and talked about local birth options (and birth in general, even if you aren’t local). But today’s post I felt like it was something I would normally post here on O Momma Writes since it bears my struggling-at-times Momma soul, so thought I’d share. And while you’re there, check out the other great writers. You don’t have to live in the Charlotte area to enjoy our posts!

A Real Mom Moment: The Attitude Switch

The internet is one of my best friends, seriously. It (and God) has lead me to so many amazing, supportive people, both locally and all over the world. It happens all the time, I absolutely love the connections that this blog and other social networks has provided!

One site I visit often during pregnancy is Babycenter.com and early on in my pregnancy I met a sweet lady named Melissa. Sadly, she ended up miscarrying the baby we had due close together (and now has miscarried twice, send prayers her way!) but emails and months later we both determined we would be best friends if we lived closer. We have so much in common, from living in a maternity home during one of our pregnancies, to having miscarriages, to being Christian, and our love of writing.  I think I need a trip to Texas to meet her one day :-) She helped create a wonderful blog, now online magazine, for Christian women called Destiny In Bloom and asked me to join the team as an Author.

Today is my big day, my first article posted!  My official title is “Review Blogger” so you’ll see some cool products, books, and such highlighted. Today’s is a mix of testimony and review called Authentic Beauty, True Prince, and a Real Love Story.  It’s so exiting to use my writing for something else besides parenting stuff and challenge myself to brainstorm new ideas surrounding sharing my faith and products I love. I’m sure it will be a growing experience, not just in writing, but with God. The other authors and articles are always outstanding and so encouraging. It’s like little devotionals and a dose of inspiration every day. Go check out Destiny In Bloom!

I’m going to follow in one of my favorite young mommy blogger footsteps and do some self-promotion.

Did you know I write articles for Birthmom Buds periodically? You can read about Perfect Adoption Gift ideas, my Tummy Mummy book review, Talking About Adoption During Nation Adoption Awareness Month, and Christmas Gift Ideas. (Another article is coming up in September!)

And, most recently I was interviewed by the lovely Amanda over at Baby Bump Diaries (what a neat blog, love it!), which can be found here.

(And now we’re off to get maternity photos done! 27 weeks now, can you believe it?)

The month of May will bring change, for me, for this blog, for my family. If you notice to header above, O Momma Writes has been a place “Where writing is how sanity is found amongst diapers, laundry, and homework.” Sure, I’ll still have diapers and laundry and I’ll need to find my sanity is writing as usual. But, homework? Nah. Done with that forever! So what will I do?

I can’t hold it in much longer, I’m kinda pumped about what God is doing in my life right now and the pretty clear direction it seems like He is leading me. Basically, it’s time. Time for what?

To write that book. My book.

I graduate in a week and then I’m getting down to business (er…when I get some free time outside my mommy duties that is! I’ve got lots of time to make up with Savannah since school has interfered with our relationship so much lately). I’m going to sit down and write the story that has been in my head for 6 years. I’m going to work towards my dream of being a published author. I’m going to let God guide the way with this, because I know this is one purpose He has created me for and He knows what He’s doing far more than I do. But, I can do this. With His help and others.

With 6 months before this baby comes in November, I feel like that’s a good goal to set my eyes on. The process of writing a book is pretty overwhelming to think about, but giving myself a deadline helps make it feel more tangible rather than, “Oh, I’ll get there eventually…”  No more excuses, I’m setting my eyes on this just like I did to finish college. I’m not saying it should be ready to be published or sitting out on shelves, but simply getting the story out of my head.  Then, when I’m ready (or rather, God’s ready) I can work on the publishing aspect.

And, thankfully in the past few months God has placed some people in my life so that I’m not alone as I learn about this new adventure. Tara over at The Young Mommy Life is not only a young mom, but writing a book for young moms too. She’s an inspiration and given me some tips of how to get started. Too bad Tara is in Pennsylvania though, but via email she has been amazing and she introduced me to the idea a writers group, and ta-da! God lead me to local mommy writer/blogger,  Kelli at Sustaining Creativity (she makes cute aprons too!), to start our own group. The plan is to meet a few times a month, let our girls play while we motivate each other, bounce ideas off each other, and to work towards our dream.

This morning at church (the first time in shamefully over 6 months), I felt God confirming again with the message that I am “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” and I was made for this. I’ve always felt that my gift was in writing, especially after coming to Christ during Kaylee’s pregnancy. I’ve felt that writing is a gift that He has given for me to share with others. I felt this calling today that said, “You were tailor made for this.” And so today, I am choosing to finally have confidence in myself and in God that I’m not incompetent to write this. Sure, I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but He does. Lead the way.

So, this blog will get a make over soon, reflecting this new chapter in life. I’m a student mom for only 1 more week, then I’m putting on the hat of writer mom. I’m sure as I make some progress on this new goal in life, or need to vent about how I can’t seem to use grammar correctly I will post about it and maybe give some sneak speaks (yes, I’m an English major. Doesn’t mean I like or understand grammar! Just being honest…)

As Mama Odie says in Princess and the Frog…”This gonna be good!” I’m excited.

P.S. Hope you had a great Birthmother’s Day and Mother’s Day weeks :-D I’m sure feeling quite blessed.

I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy.  As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness.  I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.

But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now.  Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected. 

Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.

Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.

So where have I been?

For starters, me and the wonderful Victoria had a 4 day visit!  We took dorky pictures together, tried on clothes and took pictures, played water basketball (where we both only made one goal, oy), found some super great shopping deals (If you have a Belk near you, GO NOW! 75% off stuff!), we had lots of deep girly chats, and of course, stayed up too late.  Always, always a fun time with Tori :-)

Proof:

See? $11 dollar dress from Belk! Now I just need a date or wedding to wear it, right?

(The lighting in the store made me look very orange, weird. I don’t go to tanning beds or use tanning lotion)

Since Tori left, I’ve been hanging out with my sweet Savannah and my favorite (and only) little sister. We’ve done some more shopping and Build-a-Bearing and pool swimming.  It definitely feels like summer and I’m enjoying the time off until senior year starts in less than a month!

When Victoria was here she told me about a news article she read about an open adoption story here in NC. I found the aticle and Amy’s (the birthmom) blog and now 2 comments and a phone call later, we are having lunch on Saturday!  This is so unlike me. If you know me in person I have a hard time reaching out of my little shell until I know people better, but I’m so excited to meet another birthmom who is my age, a Christian, and has a postive open adoption story.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Taking a break from my classes and studying to wonder…why does God give me all my friends at a distance?  All my life I’ve moved around and had to adjust to new homes, enviroments, new schools, and new friends.  So that means, most of my friendships that I’ve had growing up have been left to being a distant connection, with little to talk about anymore as we’ve moved in seperate directions.

But then there are the connections I’ve made over the internet, like Breanna, or Victoria that have become the closest friendships I’ve ever had besides my family and husband. And it’s because of them I question, why God? Why must they live so far away?!  Victoria and I have known each other for 3 years but just recently met for the first time in October (yeah, I know neither of us has posted about it yet!).  What’s so neat is that despite the distance of 3 years, you would have thought we’d known each other all our lives. It’s fascinating to me.  Last night we were able to chat for 2 hours, and it’s so wonderful to talk with another God-loving person who understands my struggles in my relationship with Christ, prays for me, and praises God when I tell her good news and vice-versa.  We laugh together, to the point of snorting. Good times.  And while I love our relationship, it stinks she is so far away! I so desire a supportive and encouraging  relationship that I can talk about Christ and struggles and prayers in person over a cup of coffee. But, I can’t seem to find that person. Hm.

Still, I treasure the friendships that God has provided through the internet, because otherwise, I just might be truly friendless! ha.  And I thank God that we’re all atleast “close” enough to visit each other every once and awhile.

You know there is something wrong when I’m falling asleep on the couch at 5:15, with my crazy kid screaming around me, the TV on and other various music and conversations. I normally MUST have it dark and quiet, with a fan on to be able to sleep. And even then it takes me 30 to an hour before I can actually fall asleep.

So ya, I’m definitely sick now.  Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to be as bad as what Savannah had with a fever and nasty ooey gooey nose. But man, I just can’t wait to crawl into bed in, oh, about 5 minutes.

The good news is that I got a blog award today! Thank you Dusty at To the Moon and Back.

The Marie Antoinette- A Real Person Award. The rules for this award want you to reflect who awarded it to you, display the icon, and pass it along to seven (7) other bloggers.

I would like to pass it on to:

Jill at Live, Laugh, Blog

Lindsey at The R House

FireMom at Stop, Drop, and Blog

Victoria at Living the Dash

Mandy at MandyMom

I know it says to pass it on to 7 but my brain can’t think of anyone else at this time.  Pass it along folks! Just don’t pass on the cold I have with it.