I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy.  As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness.  I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.

But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now.  Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected. 

Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.

Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.

So where have I been?

For starters, me and the wonderful Victoria had a 4 day visit!  We took dorky pictures together, tried on clothes and took pictures, played water basketball (where we both only made one goal, oy), found some super great shopping deals (If you have a Belk near you, GO NOW! 75% off stuff!), we had lots of deep girly chats, and of course, stayed up too late.  Always, always a fun time with Tori :-)

Proof:

See? $11 dollar dress from Belk! Now I just need a date or wedding to wear it, right?

(The lighting in the store made me look very orange, weird. I don’t go to tanning beds or use tanning lotion)

Since Tori left, I’ve been hanging out with my sweet Savannah and my favorite (and only) little sister. We’ve done some more shopping and Build-a-Bearing and pool swimming.  It definitely feels like summer and I’m enjoying the time off until senior year starts in less than a month!

When Victoria was here she told me about a news article she read about an open adoption story here in NC. I found the aticle and Amy’s (the birthmom) blog and now 2 comments and a phone call later, we are having lunch on Saturday!  This is so unlike me. If you know me in person I have a hard time reaching out of my little shell until I know people better, but I’m so excited to meet another birthmom who is my age, a Christian, and has a postive open adoption story.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Taking a break from my classes and studying to wonder…why does God give me all my friends at a distance?  All my life I’ve moved around and had to adjust to new homes, enviroments, new schools, and new friends.  So that means, most of my friendships that I’ve had growing up have been left to being a distant connection, with little to talk about anymore as we’ve moved in seperate directions.

But then there are the connections I’ve made over the internet, like Breanna, or Victoria that have become the closest friendships I’ve ever had besides my family and husband. And it’s because of them I question, why God? Why must they live so far away?!  Victoria and I have known each other for 3 years but just recently met for the first time in October (yeah, I know neither of us has posted about it yet!).  What’s so neat is that despite the distance of 3 years, you would have thought we’d known each other all our lives. It’s fascinating to me.  Last night we were able to chat for 2 hours, and it’s so wonderful to talk with another God-loving person who understands my struggles in my relationship with Christ, prays for me, and praises God when I tell her good news and vice-versa.  We laugh together, to the point of snorting. Good times.  And while I love our relationship, it stinks she is so far away! I so desire a supportive and encouraging  relationship that I can talk about Christ and struggles and prayers in person over a cup of coffee. But, I can’t seem to find that person. Hm.

Still, I treasure the friendships that God has provided through the internet, because otherwise, I just might be truly friendless! ha.  And I thank God that we’re all atleast “close” enough to visit each other every once and awhile.

You know there is something wrong when I’m falling asleep on the couch at 5:15, with my crazy kid screaming around me, the TV on and other various music and conversations. I normally MUST have it dark and quiet, with a fan on to be able to sleep. And even then it takes me 30 to an hour before I can actually fall asleep.

So ya, I’m definitely sick now.  Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to be as bad as what Savannah had with a fever and nasty ooey gooey nose. But man, I just can’t wait to crawl into bed in, oh, about 5 minutes.

The good news is that I got a blog award today! Thank you Dusty at To the Moon and Back.

The Marie Antoinette- A Real Person Award. The rules for this award want you to reflect who awarded it to you, display the icon, and pass it along to seven (7) other bloggers.

I would like to pass it on to:

Jill at Live, Laugh, Blog

Lindsey at The R House

FireMom at Stop, Drop, and Blog

Victoria at Living the Dash

Mandy at MandyMom

I know it says to pass it on to 7 but my brain can’t think of anyone else at this time.  Pass it along folks! Just don’t pass on the cold I have with it.

Just wanted to draw your attention to the cute little graphic that recently popped up in my right side bar. Or, for those of you who read through a trusty feed reader, this little guy:

See, Coley (from Birth Mom Buds) and I have been working hard on redoing my adoption story show case site for the past few days and I just had to share it. If you’ve even been to the old one, you might remember it desperately needed updating. Not only were the graphics not so good (oh, how technology improves quickly), there were pictures not working, it was linked to my very first old blog, and it said I was still a senior in high school. Obviously, it had been awhile since I wrote it. In fact, it was just months after Kaylee was born.

But now! It’s beautiful again. However it’s not just beautiful in colors and pictures, but I re-wrote it as well. Some things I decided didn’t need to be shared that were in the old one (like names or family drama), and this time it includes more than just my adoption story and also focuses on how God worked in my life. If you’ve ever read my testimony some parts might sound familiar.

And? It was just so, so fun to play with scrapbooking supplies for days. A big thanks to Michelle at Little Dreamer Designs that so graciously let us use her “Loveable” collection for the project. And thank you, Coley, for all your hard work putting it all together :-)

Enjoy!

Heather over at Production, Not Reproduction kindly suggested the book “The Tummy Mummy” by Michelle Madrid-Branch in a comment recently.  I have heard of this book before but had forgotten about it, and man, I’m so thankful Heather reminded me it was out there (thanks!). Upon reading reviews of the book on Amazon, I stumbled upon an online friend, Fire Mom at Stop, Drop, and Blog (who I very much respect her opinion and look up to as a fellow birth mom and mother) saying it was a good one.  Her adoption situation is similar to my own: open, domestic, close contact with her daughter and adoptive parents, etc. And then? I found a full review that she wrote on Adoption Blogs that totally sold me.

This book seems to have what I am looking for: 1) A message that I will always love her and made my decision out of love. 2) Her parents love her and will always be there for her. And, what I really love about this book?  A wise owl guides the birth mother through her decision.  That to me symbolizes God’s role in our adoption story and I cannot wait to share that with Kaylee.

So, finally, the search is over.  Though, I’ll just have to deal with not being able to read it before buying it. However, I will be buying it off Target so that for some strange reason I don’t think it’s fitting? I’ll return it to Target.  But really, I have this God-guided peace that this is it.

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions, you have no idea how helpful you have been and how thankful I am!

I am completely frustrated in my Children’s Adoption Book search.  I did some research online, took advice from all your comments, had a good list going but I’m still left empty handed.  I’d prefer not to buy a book online because I want to be able to read it first to see if it “fits” our story, the message that I’d like to send Kaylee (i.e. I made the decision out of love), if it even talks about birth parents, etc. But? When I go to a book store (or the library)? There is hardly anything. Even at the Christian book store there was one book on adoption for kids. ONE. And it sucked.

Is it just me, or does this seem odd?  Do people think that kids are rarely adopted? Do people think that it’s a hush-hush situation? Don’t kids want to hear about how loved they are through adoption? Don’t they have questions that need answered?

I know there are books out there (maybe even good ones) but they are NOT easy to find, and that’s the issue I have. The one book I really want to read is absolutely no where to be found in stores or online, “Pugnose Has Two Special Families” by Karis Kruzel. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh.

The good news is that I will be getting a copy of “Never, Never, Never, Will She Stop Loving You” by Jolene Durrant thanks to the wonderful Coley at Birth Mom Buds. Thanks, Coley :-) At least I have a back up.

And maybe I should order “Megan’s Birthday Tree” by Laurie Lears, but is it too old for a 4 year old right now?  I could save it for later, I guess? Gah. I just wish I could read things first!

I’m at a loss, this is really frustrating me. Sure, her new PJ’s I got her will be cute and practical, but I wanted something a bit more meaningful than that. This world needs to get with the program.

First off, Happy Mother’s Day everyone! I hope it’s been a great day of pampering and loving on your own mom and/or getting pampered and honored yourself! My family certainly has done a lot for me this weekend, with beautiful flowers and funny cards, but certainly the high light has been my experience with Birth Mom Buds.

It’s funny how in such a short amount of time, less than 24 hours, you can make so many new connections and quickly come to feel as if you’ve known people forever. It’s a wonderful feeling to instantly “click” with people, which I feel is the hand of God at work giving us the blessing as a whole to be able to support each other. It was such an up lifting, fun filled, emotional and transparent 24 hours.

For me, the fun started Friday night as my Mom drove into town and we met up with 5 other ladies (all birth moms but one, one being the lovely Coley who is Bmom Bud’s Founder). It was my first time meeting these ladies face to face, so I was a bit shy and nervous but thankfully there were some outgoing personalities in our group! Dinner was the most amazing meal I’ve eaten in a long time. Like, Food Network top chief quality with the beautiful presentation and everything. Yum. It was a good time to get to know each other a bit more, hear about their stories, share my own and realize how it really can be a small world.

The next day the official Birth Mother’s Day Event started in the morning, where we were immediately greeted with gift bags (and the whole day was filled with give aways!). We all introduced ourselves with a brief telling of who we are, our children, type of adoption, etc. Everyone had their own story and experiences, from 20 year old children in closed adoptions to only 2 months post placement. It was really neat to see that we all have differences but our choice in adoption brings us together and that unifying experience leads us to help and lean on each other.

We had breakout sessions, one which I lead about journaling about how it can be a great tool for dealing with grief, stress, etc. It went really well and there was some great interaction with others and creative production of poems going on! Another successful speaking event = check!

After our (yummy) lunch we wrote a short prayer/note for our children, tied it to a balloon and let them float to heaven. I released on in honor of Kaylee and for my friend’s daughter, Eden (hi Bre!). Then we listened to several great speakers, one was an adult adoptee that was in a closed adoption but now has been reunited and what that was like. It was really, really validating to hear from the mouth of an adoptee that she is okay and that she is so, so thankful for what her birth mother did for her. I don’t know if I’ll ever hear those words from own daughter’s mouth, but it will be a glorious day if/when she does. Not that I have any doubts in my heart or mind that I did the wrong thing, but to hear from her that I did and her accepting that in her heart and mind, that will be powerful. One of the other speakers was Robyn who had a closed adoption and recently reunited with her son after 19 years. It was a tough story to listen to, but so inspiring as well.

We watched the famous Birth Mom Buds slide show, and then later gathered in a circle to light candles in honor of our children while saying a prayer for them. It was beautiful to see so many women standing together pouring out their hearts in love and willing to be transparent with each other. Not just in this circle, but throughout the whole day.

It was hard to say goodbye, I really did not want the fun and closeness to end. I believe some one said at some point that it was a place filled with love, and it certainly was! On my home a song came on the radio called, “Be still and Know I’m Here” and while this is a Christian song meant to to be about God, I felt it captured this weekend’s experience perfectly. Towards the end of the song, it repeats” We are not alone” several times in such an up lifting way. As a birth mother, I don’t often come in face to face contact with others that share my experience, joys and pain of adoption. But that 24 hours? Was one where it became a reality that there are others out there (and in my own city!) that know what it’s like and we can lean on each other. We are not alone.

So, if anyone is reading this from Birth Mom Buds that I met this weekend, this is a huge thanks to all of you and how wonderful you made this weekend for me. I look forward to our next meeting, and I hope it will be soon! And of course, thanks to my Mom for making it financially possible to attend, giving me encouragement and making this weekend even more special with her presence.

Next from Momma O: A Mother’s Day post.