Can we get some praise on up in here?

2012 I deemed the year of healing, and its moving right along in that direction. And its only January 26th. God is good. I love that sometimes you simply have to ask and be willing to take a step forward and He will answer.

Soul healing wise, I feel God moving and changing me already. And counseling so far? I’ve only been three times, but already God is using it to bring peace and understanding. Do you know how freeing that is? He’s not only used it to help understand decisions in my own life, but for Mark as well. He hasn’t gone with me (yet), but the things I’ve uncovered about my life are connected to his life, too. Its neat to see how God is speaking through this time and also using it to grow Mark and I closer.

Also, while this wasn’t exactly on my mind when I talked about healing before, God has answered it none-the-less. Jaxson is out growing his food allergies! He (WE! Because we are still nursing and loving it) can eat dairy now all we want.  I’ve had it in my diet for over a month now pretty consistently every day and no rashes have appeared or an upset tummy. Then, one day I experimented with him eating some yogurt in a smoothie. Nothing. Then yogurt straight out of the container. Nothing. Its been over 3 weeks now and I’m pretty sure his body has decided dairy isn’t all that bad. I still haven’t tried milk as a drink or given him cheese directly, but we’ll get there. Soy also doesn’t seem to bother him all of sudden either (which is great since its in everything, it seems). I haven’t tried nuts yet or eggs (although I still eat eggs baked in things occasionally, like a cookie last night, and there was no reaction). I know its common for food allergies to be out grown around 1 year old and I’m praising God we seem to be following in that pattern. It was just about 1 year ago his rashes started popping up out of no where, and I’m grateful that this year we conquered them and his cheeks are silky smooth as they should be!

So, mommas that have dealt with allergies while nursing or food allergies in general…have hope. Sure, allergies won’t always disappear but have hope that you can at least get them under control with a little change :-)

Any praise reports in your life? Big, small. Its all God loving on you. Soak it in.

Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

This morning I had the privilege of sitting down and chatting with author Caroline B. Cooney (maybe you remember The Face on the Milk Carton?). Who knew that when I moved here a year and half ago, I would join an online mommy forum, meet a friend, and her mom would be a well known published author?  Not only that, but an author who’s writing I would devour in middle school, staying up well past my 11 year old bed time and reading until my eyes wouldn’t let me anymore. God knew and I’m certain He paved the way!  I’m sure He will continue to go before me as this novel on my heart becomes a reality. This task feels overwhelming at times, but I have to trust He will guide me because I’m absolutely positive He has a plan and purpose.

Coincidentally, that’s the number one thing I got out of our meeting today: how to not make it feel overwhelming. I often feel the urge to write, and then I sit down to type and words don’t come.  My thoughts get muddied with the big picture and I begin questioning my own ability at putting it all together (and God’s ability, too). But, she helped me realize  it doesn’t have to be perfect the first time I get the words out. It doesn’t even have to be written in order. Just write. She advised me that I write one paragraph/scene a day and throw myself into it with as much detail as I can. One paragraph? That sounds so much more manageable! After all, with 2 kids, managing a household, playdates, among other writing projects, its hard to find time for myself to work on this but I’m certain that I have a few minutes during naps or late nights to focus on just one scene as it comes to mind. She’s been writing for many years, with 3 now-grown kids of her own so she knows how hard it can be to find time and balance those roles. Its good to know that being an author with young children can work without pushing the kids to the wayside. Sure it might take longer, but it can be done.

She also threw me for a loop, making a suggestion to write the story as a completely separate fiction story and only some parts of the  adoption experience be drawn from my own life. Its totally different than the approach I was planning in taking, but that’s what the writing process is all about….revising ideas, perspectives, and words. It would still have the overall open adoption and godly message, but with a girl of a slightly different age, different home situation, different location, different appearance, etc. The idea is that I have more freedom since I wouldn’t be tied down to reality. I would be able to add more tension and subplots to keep readers interested in reading, yet still share the message that I feel needs to be shared.

I’m still sitting and praying on that idea of writing a whole different story because I feel strongly that God wants me to tell our story. But in a way, it feels freeing because part of what felt overwhelming before is knowing that as I write our story out I was going to have to dive into personal situations and personify important people in my life, like my parents or her birthfather. In reality this was a painful time for all of us, and while tension and not-so-easy times needs to be in the story, it doesn’t have to be exactly our story to still portray the message I’d like the world to receive.  I also don’t want important people in my life to feel hurt by how I portrayed them. So, these wouldn’t be my parents, they would be this fictional girl’s parents. They would be completely different people. This way, I can also dive into other perspectives, like the girl’s parents views or adoptive parents and not feel like I’ll be stepping on any toes. I feel like maybe this story could be more complete in a way just writing my story couldn’t be as a fiction. Like I said, I’m still mulling all this over and praying about it, I’m feeling very mixed. Its different, but ultimately, I know God will guide me to how its supposed to be.

What do yall think of that? I know many of you were looking forward to reading even more details of our adoption story, what do you think of this new perspective? 

It amazes me how with God, I can look into the face of past sadness and pain and feel…joy. Today, I feel nothing but joy as I reminisce about bringing this girl into the world 7 years ago and a new chapter in life beginning. I remember the happy tears of mine when I saw her face for the first time after birth and the knowing peace in my heart that she was not meant to be “mine.” Getting to witness her parents holding her for the first time was priceless, an image I will always treasure as long as I have memories.

No, today is not a sad day for me (I tend to feel all the sad emotions before hand!), its one of thankfulness. Thankful that God used wrong choices for good. Thankful that I am able to watch her grow up and make memories together. Thankful for all that God has done through her by simply being alive.

Happy 7th Birthday, Kaylee Ann

Like I said before, 2010 was a fabulous year for me. I realized though after posting that there was so much more to it than just materialistic things like our new house, car, and my graduation diploma…there were prayers answered. It was God-filled. While certainly I feel like God blessed us with being able to purchase our own house and replace my falling apart car with a new one…things happened in 2010 that cannot be bought for any price. 

I can easier admit now that after my miscarriage of the twins, I was left doubting God and quite frankly was angry at Him. How could he take away my babies? I am fertile-myrtle, things like that don’t happen to me! Strangely though, I did have peace in their loss even as it happened and knew that it happen for a reason, but I still held on to blaming God for that hurt in my life as time went by. Thankfully though, God has used Jaxson’s pregnancy to help me overcome that, to trust Him again and prove that He is still trustworthy even when things don’t happen as we think they should.  Essentially, I feel He has used Jaxson’s pregnancy and birth to bring so many blessings and answered prayers in my life this past year. I clung to God as I found out I was pregnant with Jaxson because otherwise fear overcame me that I would lose that pregnancy, too. As many of us know, that desperation of no where else to turn is what brings us closer to God, and I’m thankful for that even though its hard!  Then, as Jaxson’s birth neared I clung to Him even more as I prepared to give birth the way I felt He intended it to be…naturally. As a result, He put so many wonderful people and resources in my path that helped me through my journey and were a huge support.  I truly feel like God was present at Jaxson’s birth, from giving me the strength to do it naturally, to watching over us as Jax came out with the cord around his neck four times and myself bleeding too much afterward.  Many people, especially family, were skeptical or worried about Jaxson’s birth and us using a birth center outside of the hospital but I felt in the depths of my heart that God had promised this birth to me in the way I desired and I held onto that promise.  He was our strength and protector.

Also, a huge answered prayer was a simple one: friends. Being a young Mom and wife, a birthmom, a Christian, etc. I have often felt like I don’t always “fit in.”  Really, more like caught in the middle.  Especially when I was still in college, I wasn’t a typical collage student that partied or lived near campus to be able to join in with people I met in classes. I went to school and went straight home to my baby girl and husband, and that was totally fine with me! But, it also felt odd to try to get to know women who did have a husband and kids because I am, well, usually a lot younger than them. Not that it bothers me at all to hang out with people older than me, but I just don’t want to be judged by my youngness. My life style was a mix of the “young” crowd and the “stay at home mom” crowd but with no one place to accommodate both. So, basically, Mark and I were our own best friends and my only other close friends lived hours and states away like Breannaor Victoria. I know my online friendships have value and are blessings in themselves but, of course, I really craved having someone (or a few someones!) that I could get to know really well locally. I wanted to be able call someone up for coffee each week or have a playdate with our kids while we chatted. I seriously prayed for years that God would bring some one that 1) was Christian that I could have spiritual conversations with 2) had kids so they understood my lifestyle.  And finally, in 2010 that happened. Not one, but several friends (thanks to my favorite Mommy Network!) that I can call and vent things to, to pray with me, to encourage each other, to watch our kids play together…such huge blessing! Now in 2011 I pray that Mark can find that same connection with men in our area because I know he is feeling just as I was and I know its hard at times. Life with friends to share and do things with is much sweeter!

So, in 2011 I pray that we are even more God-filled. That I can grow closer to God, to go to chuch more than 1 time a month, break out of my shell to actually get connected and know people, like through a small group. I pray that I can have a heart to serve just as others have helped me this past year when I needed it. I pray Mark feels that calling to God too, gets connected with others, and we in-turn grow together as a married couple in Christ. I pray that this year we truly realize that our body is a temple and we should treat it that way…therefore eating healthier as a family. I pray Savannah continues to grow in and learn about God (more on that soon!). I pray all my kids, whether with me or not, are safe, healthy, and know they are loved by me and God.

Seriously, 2010 was the best year ever. In so many ways. I sit here with a sleeping baby boy in my lap, warm and cozy in my house, a diploma in my possession resembling goals met and hardwork, beautiful snow on the ground, playdates planned for later this week, and I can’t help but feel blessedly fuzzy inside. Thank you, God, for everything. I know 2011 can be just as filled, if not more, with us clinging to Him as our foundation.

I am in awe that today is the last day of 2010, and it honestly brings a little sadness to see this year end because it easily has been the best year ever in my life.

To kick of the new year we bought our first house and learned a lot on the way. Savannah turned 3 in February and a few days later we found out we had baby number 2 on the way. I struggled with trusting that this baby would grow healthy after our miscarriage in 2009 and felt like gagging for weeks (leading us to suspect we had a boy this time around). I graduated from college! I didn’t blog about it, but I got a new car as well to replace my 18 year old handme down. As my pregnancy continued to thrive I switched to a midwife to get the birth I desired. We found out the baby was indeed a boy and we named him Jaxson with an X.  I craved spinach and got maternity photos taken. Savannah started preschool!  As I my belly grew, we stocked up on cloth diapers and prepared his room. I thought my water broke, but it didn’t, and I dealt with weeks of prelabor symptoms. On my November 5th due date I experienced false labor and then dealt with the emotions after. And finally, on November 12th Jaxson made his arrival! Since then it’s been an emotional but wonderful ride through the holidays as new parents of two.

In short: A house, a car, graduation, a baby. 2010 was full of blessings! I don’t know what 2011 has in store after such a fantastic year, but 11 is my favorite number so I’m hoping its just as wonderful in different ways (I mean, I know we won’t be buying another house, car, or graduating again!). And most importantly, I hope 2011 is God filled as our family seeks Him more in the new year.

Happy New Year!

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

The internet is one of my best friends, seriously. It (and God) has lead me to so many amazing, supportive people, both locally and all over the world. It happens all the time, I absolutely love the connections that this blog and other social networks has provided!

One site I visit often during pregnancy is Babycenter.com and early on in my pregnancy I met a sweet lady named Melissa. Sadly, she ended up miscarrying the baby we had due close together (and now has miscarried twice, send prayers her way!) but emails and months later we both determined we would be best friends if we lived closer. We have so much in common, from living in a maternity home during one of our pregnancies, to having miscarriages, to being Christian, and our love of writing.  I think I need a trip to Texas to meet her one day :-) She helped create a wonderful blog, now online magazine, for Christian women called Destiny In Bloom and asked me to join the team as an Author.

Today is my big day, my first article posted!  My official title is “Review Blogger” so you’ll see some cool products, books, and such highlighted. Today’s is a mix of testimony and review called Authentic Beauty, True Prince, and a Real Love Story.  It’s so exiting to use my writing for something else besides parenting stuff and challenge myself to brainstorm new ideas surrounding sharing my faith and products I love. I’m sure it will be a growing experience, not just in writing, but with God. The other authors and articles are always outstanding and so encouraging. It’s like little devotionals and a dose of inspiration every day. Go check out Destiny In Bloom!

The month of May will bring change, for me, for this blog, for my family. If you notice to header above, O Momma Writes has been a place “Where writing is how sanity is found amongst diapers, laundry, and homework.” Sure, I’ll still have diapers and laundry and I’ll need to find my sanity is writing as usual. But, homework? Nah. Done with that forever! So what will I do?

I can’t hold it in much longer, I’m kinda pumped about what God is doing in my life right now and the pretty clear direction it seems like He is leading me. Basically, it’s time. Time for what?

To write that book. My book.

I graduate in a week and then I’m getting down to business (er…when I get some free time outside my mommy duties that is! I’ve got lots of time to make up with Savannah since school has interfered with our relationship so much lately). I’m going to sit down and write the story that has been in my head for 6 years. I’m going to work towards my dream of being a published author. I’m going to let God guide the way with this, because I know this is one purpose He has created me for and He knows what He’s doing far more than I do. But, I can do this. With His help and others.

With 6 months before this baby comes in November, I feel like that’s a good goal to set my eyes on. The process of writing a book is pretty overwhelming to think about, but giving myself a deadline helps make it feel more tangible rather than, “Oh, I’ll get there eventually…”  No more excuses, I’m setting my eyes on this just like I did to finish college. I’m not saying it should be ready to be published or sitting out on shelves, but simply getting the story out of my head.  Then, when I’m ready (or rather, God’s ready) I can work on the publishing aspect.

And, thankfully in the past few months God has placed some people in my life so that I’m not alone as I learn about this new adventure. Tara over at The Young Mommy Life is not only a young mom, but writing a book for young moms too. She’s an inspiration and given me some tips of how to get started. Too bad Tara is in Pennsylvania though, but via email she has been amazing and she introduced me to the idea a writers group, and ta-da! God lead me to local mommy writer/blogger,  Kelli at Sustaining Creativity (she makes cute aprons too!), to start our own group. The plan is to meet a few times a month, let our girls play while we motivate each other, bounce ideas off each other, and to work towards our dream.

This morning at church (the first time in shamefully over 6 months), I felt God confirming again with the message that I am “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” and I was made for this. I’ve always felt that my gift was in writing, especially after coming to Christ during Kaylee’s pregnancy. I’ve felt that writing is a gift that He has given for me to share with others. I felt this calling today that said, “You were tailor made for this.” And so today, I am choosing to finally have confidence in myself and in God that I’m not incompetent to write this. Sure, I don’t know what I’m doing right now, but He does. Lead the way.

So, this blog will get a make over soon, reflecting this new chapter in life. I’m a student mom for only 1 more week, then I’m putting on the hat of writer mom. I’m sure as I make some progress on this new goal in life, or need to vent about how I can’t seem to use grammar correctly I will post about it and maybe give some sneak speaks (yes, I’m an English major. Doesn’t mean I like or understand grammar! Just being honest…)

As Mama Odie says in Princess and the Frog…”This gonna be good!” I’m excited.

P.S. Hope you had a great Birthmother’s Day and Mother’s Day weeks :-D I’m sure feeling quite blessed.

When I was pregnant with Kaylee and Savannah, I took for granted how precious life is. I didn’t realize how easily it could slip away, how lucky I was to have two healthy pregnancies and healthy girls.

Even last year, I started out the pregnancy naively thinking everything would always be okay for me, I wasn’t one of those moms who had fertility issues. And then, my world crashed at that 8 week ultrasound. I never thought it would be me. I never thought with my super fertile body that I would lose a baby. Having a miscarriage last year has put this pregnancy in a whole new perspective. One that airs of caution more, one that prays and prays before a doctor visit hoping to hear good news.

One that prays and prays to hear that heartbeat.  The heartbeat is a sign of life, a life that my babies didn’t have last year. I’ve held onto the idea that if I just heard a strong heartbeat, this baby would be okay.

Today, I finally did hear it. Strong, fast, clear. And while I don’t think hearing that sweet heart beat will ever take away my fears completely, it certainly helps ease them. I know that this one is growing and thriving within me by that thumping noise, and praying we continue to have that confirmation.

Tuesday is an ultrasound, where I’ll not only hear the heartbeat but see my little one squirm. And hopefully, melt away my fears even more :-)

12 weeks already!