Apparently God wanted to give us yet another blessing. I call it a house warming gift.

I think a new baby and nursery will look lovely in our 3rd bedroom, don’t you?

While I am so excited, I am probably more completely scared to pieces of a repeat of last year.  Like, to the point of a small panic attack when my Dr. wanted me to come in for a check up today. I couldn’t face going back to the same doctor’s office/hospital where I heard so much bad news and where I had my D&E. I could do it, and I won’t. I promptly canceled my appointment for today and switched doctors. This past month has felt eerily like almost a year ago, even being sick and taking medications not knowing I was pregnant. I just pray that this year has different results: a healthy full term baby.

So, while it is still very, extremely, early in this pregnancy game and I’m scared to even mention it, I wanted to because I know I have some prayer warriors out there, or people who at least can think some happy thoughts.  Could you keep us in thoughts and prayers? I can’t let this fear overcome the joy.

Where is that balance of being cautiously realistic and yet thinking positive thoughts of hope?

It’s official, we’re finally home owners as of yesterday!  It went smooth and quickly once we (we, meaning my awesome “team” of people working while I sat around stressed) got over some speed bumps.  Is it worth that stress in the end? Yes.

In fact, I was a little sad when it was all signed and keys delivered that the process was over.  As I mentioned before, I had a great realtor and I told her I will miss driving around on the weekends and exchanging a bazillion emails everyday.  It’s kind of like getting married, you look forward to it and plan for months, waiting and waiting, and finally it gets here. It’s a burst of excitement and then, boom. It’s over!  It’s weird having met another “first” milestone in my life. I feel like an adult, yet also like I’m playing an elaborate game of pretend house.

Is this really ours?

Did I really get to pick my own kitchen color?

Are these really my own dishes? Finally out of boxes after three years?

Is this really my own daughter in her own future big girl cotton candy pink room?

Why, yes. Yes it is. Crazy.

My uncle started the painting process just hours after we signing the papers. It’s looking amazing and feels more cozy already.  I can’t wait to get our furniture in there to really see what it looks like as “ours” (don’t worry, I’ll post pictures!)  However, move-in date was postponed to next weekend because of the closing delays and now we’ve supposedly got winter weather coming. But, the good news is that gives us time to have a brand new washer and dryer delivered, the paint will all be finished, we’ll have blinds up, and hopefully it won’t be 15 degree weather to haul things around in. The bad news is, that will only give me TWO weeks to get the house looking decent before Savannah huge birthday party (our RSVP’d guest list is at 22 right, could be up to 35. I hope yall like to stand or sit on the floor!) Things happen for a reason, I just have to keep telling myself that.

Have I mentioned how blessed I feel? Thank you, God!

I know, I know. Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and I’m just now getting to posting pictures?  Life is busy.

The high lights:

-Savannah got way too many toys. I guess that happens with a Dad who’s a kid at heart himself and many sets of grandparents.

-She got pretty much all things princesses. The only thing she asked for this year (she went right up and told Santa herself) was a Snow White dress.  We used this desire as a bribe to reward her for sleeping through the night (it worked!) and so Christmas she finally got it. It’s funny how much she loves princesses and yet she’s never watched any of the videos, fine by me.

-Mark’s big gift from me was Panther’s football Tickets. He’s a huge sports fan and didn’t think we could afford tickets right now. His face was priceless! (Once again, I love me some mommy board finds!)

-I got mainly house stuff for Christmas and loved every minute of it. Between gifts and giftcards, we’re almost all set to go now!

-We had our Kaylee Christmas visit, staying the night again.  Savannah and Kaylee had a blast playing  together, I love watching them and the friendship they have formed.  Kaylee is really possessive over Savannah being her “baby sister” and doesn’t like to share play time with her brother, poor Blake gets left out. Mark and I had fun hanging out with their parents as always.

-I gave Kaylee a photobook for Christmas that shares a little bit about her birthfamily. Most of it is my family of course since that’s what I have more access to, but I contacted Kaylee’s birthgrandma for some information about her Birthdad growing up I could include. I added a page or two or random facts like birthdays, where we went to school, our hobbies, eye color, etc. and also shared our dating story and some pictures.  Kaylee liked it, but was totally confused that her birthdad is not Mark.  Hm…don’t know how to explain that one to a 5 year old!

-And to end my winter break with a shabang, I had my visit with Victoria!  We had our week jam packed with things to do and it was a blast (exhausting, but a blast)!  I saw historical things like the Liberty Bell in down town Philadelphia, we went snow tubing in the Poconos (so much fun, everyone should go!), went bowling for her birthday, got our nails done (first time since I got married, what a treat), painted pottery, ate the most amazing burger and french fries I have ever had at The Pop Shop (it was on the Food Network, it’s that good!), and finally got to meet her birth family.  It was so much :-)

-I, however, decided I can ever live in the north because the drivers and the road designs (ie. lanes just suddenly ending with no warning signs) stresses me out way too much.  We seriously almost crashed 20 times.  I love my easy going south.

And the big news:

We close on our house next week!

I am unbelievable excited and have been shopping like crazy to get the rest of the house things we needed. We also bought paint tonight while it was on sale at home depot.  I cannot wait to see what a difference the paint makes. We just need a washer and dryer, food, cleaning supplies, and blinds and we’ll have a home :-)

I may not be holding babies in my arms right now like I should be, but God has given us another blessing this week (what great timing He has!) that makes my heart leap with joy and possibilities.

(I wanted to put a big red bow on it but Flickr wouldn’t let me without paying, so a Santa hat will have to do)

Since we had Savannah at 19 and still in college, Mark’s parents have been amazing in letting us stay with them for the past 3 years as we finish school and get on our feet.  Now, finally, it’s time to move out. And while I’m so incredibly grateful we had this time and extra hands to help out, we’re so ready to have our own place! This is all happening a little sooner than planned (originally wanted to move after I graduate in May), but this house and the price were too perfect to pass up. We’re all so excited! Savannah is excited about getting a “princess room,” she’s already planning on having it be purple  (it was pink last week, what will it be by the time we actually paint?)

Now I need to start working on that kitchen table!  And…packing…that doesn’t sound like fun though…

The people: Mommy and Savannah

The scene: Savannah is playing with a Micky Mouse Train ornament while Mommy is watching her go around and around the coffee table saying, “Choo choo!”

The dialouge:

Mommy: *smelling something stinky* Savannah, do you have a poop?

Savannah: *gives me a funny look* No, that’s the coal. We don’t change the coal!

Apparently her and Micky train are one, and her poops fuel his engine. LOL!  Her imagination has really taken off in the past few weeks and it’s so fun to hear her take things she’s learning (like that trains need coal) or things she hears from us daily (like after her juice is gone she has to drink water) being interjected into her playtime.  It’s so funny!

I love being her Mom :-)

Ah, it’s been a wonderfully refreshing trip. (And I’m not even home yet! I figured I’d write something now because I know I won’t have time when I get home between school work, laundry, and ya know, spending time with my family like I’m accused of not doing. ha.)

The flight to Indiana on Friday was frustrating.  It was just a crappy day to fly, with lots of clouds and rain, which apparently put us behind on my first flight.  We didn’t land in Detroit for my connection flight until 15 minutes before my other flight left. Which means, I had to hurry off of RUN all the way across the airport (and if you know me, I do not run…) to try and catch it before I left. And I did. *Whew* The plane was still there, with the steps and everything….but they wouldn’t let me on. In fact, there were a whole group of us that were late due to our plane and they wouldn’t let us on. With the plane RIGHT THERE! Stupid. We had to walk all the way to the other side of the airport again to catch another flight, which put me behind when I was supposed to arrive about 1.5 hours.  I hate Detroit. I will never go there again, simply for the rude staff and the ridiculous layout of that airport. The one good thing they did was get my luggage on the right plane.

Moving on. I met up with Bre and we made our way to eat lunch/dinner with a wonderfully sweet adoptive Mom and her three year old daughter. We knew her from the message board Breanna and I met on, so it was neat to meet another one of those amazing ladies that we’ve known for years. Also? Her daughter reminded me so much of Savannah in the way she talked and acted, I bet they would have gotten along well if I had brought her :-)  After that we went shopping, mainly to walk the aisles of Babies R Us where I shared my experience as a Mom and what products I used or would use if I could do it over again.  She ended up with a cart load!  It’s amazing how much new stuff is already out since Savannah, there are definitely things I will be going back for when it’s our time for a new baby again.  And later, Bre shared with me her experience of having her own house and what products are good for my Christmas list (which is all house things in preparation for our move next year), so we both gained insight from each other :-)

Pretty much every morning I’ve been able to sleep in until at least 9:30 (yesterday, 10:30!) and drink my hot tea in silence, which is very rare in my motherhood world. It’s been nice. However, sleeping in 4 days in a row makes the days fly by and almost feels like a waste. As weird as it is, it made me grateful that Savannah gets me up earlier so that I actually do things with my day besides sleep.  I still enjoyed it while it lasted but it just gave me a new appriciation for getting up early when I have to.

Other things we did: Went to Target twice (gotta love Target!), made modpodge shoes (will post pictures later!), ate smores by a bonfire, took a walk, watched “Sunshine Cleaning,” and went to Bre’s doctor appointment.

I will say, I’m doing a lot better emotionally wise than I thought I would.  As you may know, Bre and I got pregnant around the same time and were due within just a week or two of each other. Sure at times I have thought to myself, “that would be me right now, I would be seven months pregnant” but mostly, I’m just thrilled for her.  They will make great parents, and I know she felt the same bittersweetness when I was pregnant with Savannah. But still, it is odd going to the doctor and not being the pregnant one , experiencing the pokes and prods and the movements as the baby squirms away from the heart doppler. But, I’m okay.  Sure, it makes the desire for another child stronger, but I know God will bless us in His time.

And now, as this trip is nearing it’s end, I’m mostly grateful that I had not just some “me” time away from my home world, but Bre time as well.  There’s nothing like spending time with your best friend, especially when she’s preparing for a baby. It’s been exciting to share this time with her in person instead of through a computer screen. Hoping for another trip in the spring to be able to meet their new addition :-)

Of course, we forgot to take pictures of our trip (except of shoes…). Lame.

So, this morning I was listening to our local Christian radio on my way to school and the radio host asked callers to talk about what they survived.  Some were big touching stories like surviving a house fire, beating breast cancer, etc., others were smaller that and caused chuckles. But, I immediately thought about my adoption experience. I survived it. I survived when my heart couldn’t even think of placing Kaylee but I knew God was calling me to a road less taken, I survived when I signed those papers, I survived when I rode away from the hospital without a baby in the back seat, I survived when I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing while holding my puppies. I survived.

I had this pressing feeling I needed to call. Now, if you know me in person, I am not a social person. I don’t raise my hand in class to speak typically, I don’t like attention on myself, I’m very quiet and reserved so for me to call a radio station for thousands to hear my voice had to mean something, right?  I tried calling a few times and it was busy and almost gave up, thinking “Oh well, I tried!” But I tried one more time just before reaching school and got through! The hosts told me wait 2 minutes while they played a song and then I was on. It was a very brief 1-2 minute talk but I did it! (Seriously, this is huge in my quiet world).

I said something like, “I survived placing my daughter in an open adoption when I was 16 years old.” and they discussed how brave I am and asked how often I see her, etc. I talked about how it was a decision that God lead me to and turned into a wonderful experience, she has great parents, how the adoption experience lead me back to God, etc. And the male host said, “well you just need to write up a book and share your story!” and I said, “Well writing is definietly something that God has placed on my heart and I plan to do that some day but I do have a blog now that I write about how hard adoption can be but also what a blessing it is too” (Which, was totally a confirmation and reminder to me that YES I need to start this book process and stop making excuses about time. I really feel like that’s what God has in store for me at some point in life). And the female host requested that I send her an email with the link because she wanted to read it.  She then asked what would I say to a girl that found herself in this situation, which threw me off guard, so I said something about pray about it and seek support.  

 I kept praying that God would use whatever I said to encourage some one out there, I prayed that if I was meant to get through I would, and I did. I don’t know what will become of it, or if I’ll ever know, but I really felt like it happened for a reason.

When I got to school I emailed the radio my blog link and then emailed Kaylee’s parents telling her about me bragging at how amazing they are and thanked them for allowing me to be in Kaylee’s life. 

Anyways, that’s my exciting news for the day :-D ME. On the radio!

So, do I look any older yet?  I feel older.  I really feel, like, 28 because our lifestyle is so different than a typical person our age, but the number 22 will do for now I suppose. I know, I know. One day I will wish the numbers were going backwards instead of forwards, but like I said last year, every new birthday brings another number that hopefully brings a little more respect as I get further  from the teenage years and gains new experiences and knowledge.

We’re celebrating today by baking lots of goodies (birthdays do get less exciting as you get older, so making the best with what I got!).  I’m experimenting with a peanut butter cookie recipe that uses agave rather than sugar. We’ll see how those turn out.  We’re also making strawberry cupcakes for Mark. Why am making HIM cake on MY birthday, you ask?  Well, because I like to bake, I love him, and it’s something fun to do with Savannah (by the way, Savannah is becoming a quite an expert stirrer). Plus, he’s scared of my healthy alternative foods so I feel like I should compensate for that.

I’m convinced this 22nd year of mine will be one of the best yet and I’m looking forward to it. For starters, I will finally get a new car this year, I will graduate college, and then move into our own house! And that’s just 3 big things, I’m sure other blessings are bound to pop up as God is always good :-)

I’m also pretty stoked that it looks like I’ll have enough birthday money (thank you, dear family!) to cover a plane ticket to see my wonderfully missed best friend Breanna especially since my BIG birthday present (remember, back in July?) has been paid off with some major book sales (thank you half.com!) and ad revenue. Bre and I became pregnant about the same time and while my pregnancy didn’t continue, I still live vicariously through her so this will be a treat to not only see her, but get to “meet” her baby boy in a way.

So, here’s to a good year full of blessings and moving forward in life as a family. Thank you, God, for another year. And thank you, Mom, for your hard work 22 years ago, too :-)

It’s been quite the drama filled week.  First, it started with lightning striking my parents house last week where me and Savannah was visiting.  Talk about scary! Thankfully, it didn’t burn their house down and they lost things that can easily be replaced thanks to great insurance. But it was a learning lesson to me: protect the “things” I love with a surge protector. I would hate, hate to loose another computer that has all our memories on it or our first big purchase together: our TV. Now that I’ve back home, we’ve had storms every night and we’re unplugging things until we can buy protectors!

Then the next day, I met with the lovely Amy and we had a nice chat over lunch. It was so nice to meet some one who has many shared experiences :-) I look forward to keeping in contact with her more and hopefully have her come down for the annual Birthmom Buds event!

That same day I came home to Savannah running a 104 fever. Again, talk about scary!  Apparently my little brother used to run high fevers as well so my wonderful Stepmom knew what to do to bring it down. Another lesson learned there.  We’re guessing she just had a virus because by Monday she was suddenly better and super hyper.

Monday Savannah and I drove back home on a whim to surprise Mark with our homecoming. He wasn’t expecting us until the next day or later depending on how Savannah was feeling.  Surprises are fun!  However, on the way home I hit a horrible storm in which it was pouring down so hard I had to pull off the road and pray no one would hit me.  Very scary.

But to top the last few days off, Mark took today off to spend time with us since we’ve been gone for over a week and it was much needed. Especially, especially since Savannah and I got little sleep last night and we were both grumpy. Who knew a 2 year old could have an attitude like that?!   Having him home helped me keep sane and be able to take TWO naps today. That’s a blessing right there. All this weeks drama had it’s blessings, things could have been way worse.

I’ve been meaning to write, really I have. I’m still alive. Between going back to school, Savannah, packing for our trip, and in general trying not to over do it,” the blog has taken a back seat. But, I can’t lie that this past week has been not easy.  Though I was strong in my faith and had peace before, the emotions and hormones started to crash last Sunday.  That day I also physically started to feel worse and I cry when I don’t feel good, too so it was a double whamy!  But, I had wonderful family to take care of me and a husband who held me as a cried and I have just been taking one day at a time.

Also, yesterday Kaylee turned Five!  (Totally meant to have a Kaylee devoted post…) It boogles my mind that she’s five. Five is a big number for a kid. It’s a whole hand to count with. How is she big enough for that and going off to kindergarten in just a few months? How am I old enough to have a 5 year old? I will say though, it is so neat to watch her grow up, that she can talk on the phone with me now and tell me things she likes and about her day.  Yesterday I called her for her birthday and we chatted for a minute but then she asked to talk with Savannah. So they had a short chat as well about who knows what, but they were both so excited and it was adorable. I think that’s what I most look forward to is seeing how they grow together.  Every day I tell Savannah how many days it is until we see Kaylee and she always says, “YIPPEE!!!”

Her Mom told me that Kaylee wanted to wait to go to Build-a-Bear to go with “Miss Leah” instead of on her birthday.  Melt my heart. I like that’s she old enough to choose to want to be with me and love me/us :-)

Alright, time to pack up for our visit!