I would say the cliche line, “it seems just like yesterday she was born…” but its simply not true. It doesn’t feel like yesterday she was born, but it does feel like she should still be toddling 1 year old like Jaxson is now. I cannot believe she is FIVE. A whole five fingers. The girl who counts to 20, pumps herself on the swing, rides a bike, draws pictures, writes her name? How is that possible? It really feels like I  blinked and suddenly she is a big girl ready to go off to kindergarten in just a few months.

She is absolutely excited up to the moon and past the stars that she is finally 5. So excited, in fact, that she woke up at 3 am to start her birthday. That’s worse than Christmas mornings folks, where we have to wake her up to start the day. Still, while we were all a little tired from a rough night and early morning, it was a fabulous day full of family, friends, and her favorite things. We started the day out with our favorite Chicfila Breakfast, played with a few of her favorite friends at the park, and later had pizza and a homemade cake with her Grandparents. And, of course, opened presents. She also was an excellent listener, because according to her, now that’s she’s 5 she will be a great listener when we ask her to do things like clean up her toys. Sweet deal!

I feel so blessed that she is in my life. While our relationship may have its struggles at times and I question my parenting skills, I know overall she’s a great girl with a caring heart.  Her birth 5 years ago was one that gave me the role of a Mom, it taught me so many things about myself, and even my perspective on birth. She’s helped shape me to be the woman and Mom I am today, its her presence that keeps me clinging to God for guidance so that I can be the best Mom and wife I can be. She’s the one helping me to become”childlike” again and find joy in simple things in my days. I’m so grateful that our relationship is one that is open enough that we teach each other things about life.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! I have a feeling 5 is going to be awesome for this girl :-)

(P.S. Sorry if some parts don’t make sense or misspellings, etc. I’m half asleep on cold medicine but felt the need to write before the day was over)

Sorry I dropped off the face of the blogging earth a month ago. I was doing so good for 11 days!  I’m bummed I didn’t continue the trend, but life happened.  Jaxson’s birthday busyness happened.

His party was a huge success, surround by our close family and best friends. We had a vegan cake made with applesauce that was yummy!  The weather was gorgeous so we all got to play outside and enjoy the last of the fall leaves. My wonder friend Leslie took some awesome pictures for us at his party.  This one is my favorite and just captures his personality perfectly. He’s such a happy, goofy boy!

The very next day I was struck down my mastitis out of now where! So that left me with no energy for about a week, barely able to take care of my kids, and definitely not blogging. Then life just got busy with Thanksgiving, play dates, grocery shopping, piles of laundry, trips out of town, Kaylee’s annual Christmas visit…and now sleepness nights thanks to teething molars.

November was busy, December is proving to be even busier! Just wanted to say hi if any one is still reading, and that we’re all alive and well :-) A little tired, but we’re good!

I’m am exhausted. It’s been a busy day cleaning, running errands, and preparing for a certain little boy’s 1st birthday tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m grateful for rest. Not just physical rest for my mind and body, but for my soul, too. A rest that only God can give.

I love how different Bible translations can change just one simple word and it can change the entire feeling and meaning. Tonight and tomorrow, this one fits:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (ESV).  Today, I’ve been working hard preparing. My body is tired from constantly moving, sometimes with a 19 pound boy strapped on my back when he wanted his Momma. A year ago, my body was literally in labor bringing him into this world and God provided rest and relaxation during so.

Usually though, I think of this version, because it reminds myself to bring my worries to Christ. A soulful rest. Peace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (NIV).

Goodnight, all. Tomorrow I have a 1 year old. I need my rest both physically and in my soul…

…I can’t believe its been a year…

Hopefully I can pass out like Savannah does.

Strangely, yes, I am thankful for tough times. I know that sounds weird, who likes to go through a rough patch in life or have a bad day? I don’t. But in hindsight I am thankful for them because they stretch and grow me in new ways.  They build character. They refine me, like a a fire purifying gold. And ultimately, they draw me closer to God. That’s the best part.

Today has been one of those days.

Granted, I know I am blessed in that my life could be far worse than it is but little things are getting me down today, from issues going on within my marriage to the fact that Jaxson’s birthday is in a week….I’m an emotional wreck today. I feel blue (I’m sure hormones are adding to the emotional equation as my body is still going through transitions thanks to breastfeeding). I feel hopeless at times about certain things in life. I’m questioning God and His timing. I’m re-living the emotions I felt a year ago.

I’m a person that loves to reminisce and treasures silly things like ticket stubs, just so I can remember what movie I saw at what time and with who. Birthdays are like looking at a ticket stub to me. They suddenly rush back memories, good and bad. Of how and where I spent my day, first moments, emotions, frustrations, things I would change or wish I could re-live. The one thing that has brought tears more than once today is knowing that a year ago tonight, right now, I was in labor with Jaxson…and I miss it. A labor that started on its own on his due date, accelerated me to 6cm dilated and quit. Stopped. I consider this night the beginning of my birth experience, because after all, it was real contractions and real progress but that just happened to hit pause and left me hanging with a “To Be Continued” sign until a week later. It left me grieving the birth I didn’t have yet, it left me angry and confused. But yet, it left me having no where else to turn but to God for comfort. I look back at the blog post I wrote a few days after my stalled labor and again feel that deep disappointment and confusion, but I can also see a humble strength while I cried on my knees. And then, just a few days later I see a renewed strength and growth that only God could have given me. I can see how God used that time to draw me into His arms and love on me, urging me to trust Him. Just like in the many hard times I’ve had in my life whether small moments like this, or large ones like like my adoption experience or miscarriage, He’s always taught me things through them.

I know its silly that, not only am I crying about missing his birth experience, but the fact that his actual birthday is a week away! Tonight I’m trusting He’ll use my grief again and teach me something…and turn this birthday grieving into celebration of his birth and joy for the awesome little guy Jaxson is today one year later.

And, I’m trusting He’ll bless me with the experience of another natural birth in the future :-)

(I wrote this post weeks ago…and got distracted by kids…oops!)

Our day with Kaylee was wonderful, Savannah dubbed it “The best day ever!” (She’s really into things being “the best” right now, its cute). As Kaylee has gotten older, I feel like I know her less and less and we don’t get the time we used to during visits for a variety of reasons. One reason being that she and Savannah run off to play and I enjoy staying behind to talk with her parents (who tell great stories about Kaylee moments!). But, this time I made it an effort to follow the girls and be apart of their group for a least a few minutes. It was nice to have some time with all 3 kids together, both loving on Jaxson with smooches and hugs.

We took silly pictures together and laughed. She brought up adoption and explained to me why I placed her (whoa!), which honestly hearing it made me feel like a crappy person. “You didn’t have a job…you didn’t have any money…you were young…and you couldn’t take care of me…” Yes, all that was true and I know I placed her out of love but oh, the guilt when it comes out of my own daughter’s mouth! I am glad though that her parents always have talked about our adoption, its not a foreign concept to her and I’m so glad she is growing up knowing who I am, why I made my choice, and ultimately that it was out of love. Still, its hard to accept that I wasn’t “good enough” at that point in life to be her mom and she knows that.

Anyways, the rest of the day was a typical birthday with people to visit with, gifts, and cake (that I couldn’t eat thanks to Jaxson’s allergies but it look oh-so-good!). As I suspected, she loved the picture of her and Savannah I framed for her in a hot pink. And a unexpected “gift” from her, when she and Savannah were coloring together, she made me a picture that said “I love you.” Good to know the feeling is mutual :-)

It amazes me how with God, I can look into the face of past sadness and pain and feel…joy. Today, I feel nothing but joy as I reminisce about bringing this girl into the world 7 years ago and a new chapter in life beginning. I remember the happy tears of mine when I saw her face for the first time after birth and the knowing peace in my heart that she was not meant to be “mine.” Getting to witness her parents holding her for the first time was priceless, an image I will always treasure as long as I have memories.

No, today is not a sad day for me (I tend to feel all the sad emotions before hand!), its one of thankfulness. Thankful that God used wrong choices for good. Thankful that I am able to watch her grow up and make memories together. Thankful for all that God has done through her by simply being alive.

Happy 7th Birthday, Kaylee Ann

7 years ago I was hanging out with Kaylee’s family, along with my own family, anxiously awaiting the early morning hours to head to the hospital to be induced. And while what lay before me the next few days (years) could be hard at times, it was (and is) full of joy and peace.

And now, we get to have beautiful moments like this:

This picture, taken at Savannah’s 4th birthday party way back in February (Which, I totally meant to blog about…oops!) is absolutely my favorite picture of them ever. Yes, it’s being framed for both girls.

Shh…don’t tell Kaylee this is part of her birthday present!

I know my posts are few and far between now, I apologize. I wish I made the time to write for myself more, but the truth is there are so many other areas in life and people that need my attention in this season of life!

In the weeks of blogging silence, many good things happen and God has been teaching me in so many ways and I hope one day soon I will make the time to write about them. But today, my heart is heavy, in a sad yet joyful way. Its that time again. June. The month where I’m reminded of what I’ve been through and lost. A reminder of pain, yet of how God used that pain for glory and redemption.

7 (SEVEN!) years ago, I was preparing to give birth to Kaylee and place her into her family’s arms. Her 7th birthday is coming up next weekend.  Every year it amazes me how it sneaks up on me, just like these emotions.  Once again, I’m blessed to be invited to be a part of her special day. I get to see her beautiful smile and her eyes light up as we sing happy birthday and giggle as Savannah chases her around the house. That in itself, makes it worth it. Knowing how God used that time in my life makes it worth it, but I can’t deny the heavy heart of sadness. We miss her!

And then, June 5th (tomorrow) was the day our twins officially left my body, though they were physically and spiritually long gone before.  June 5th made it real, my womb was empty. Its hard to believe its been 2 years ago already. June always makes the wounds feel fresh again, just as with adoption emotions. I’ve said before how similar the emotions of adoption are to a miscarriage, at least in my experience. The life once inside a body, but leaving the hospital empty handed and a grieving heart. Knowing that I wouldn’t get to be their Mom, mourning that loss of role. And yet, like a rainbow after a storm June is a reminder of God’s love, guidance, and healing hand. I know He was holding me during those days of sorrow, and I know He’s holding me now.

June is hard, but God is good!

3 years ago today at 9:22pm, a little girl entered our lives…

changing us forever.

I tend to sit and reflect on my children’s birthdays (or even my own). Birthdays aren’t just about celebrating for me, but a time to look back and see the growth, changes, and looking forward to what is to come this new birth year.

I honestly have a hard time remembering Savannah ever being that tiny newborn pictured above, or even as a toddling one year old.  It seems like we’ve always had this intelligent, curious, sassy little girl.

The two’s were filled with…well…two year old behavior. One minute she was my best little buddy and the next she was throwing a tantrum because it was time to leave the library. But even on a long, frustrating day there was always a redeeming moment that made the whole battle worth it; Like her falling asleep in my arms as if she was a baby again, or making up a new game before bedtime. Those moments are what keeps us Moms hanging on.

The two’s exploded our home with new words and an imagination that doesn’t stop, even at 2 am.  New skills emerged, like discovering her love to be crafty or cook like her momma, learning numbers and letters, how to build with blocks or finish puzzles.  The two’s brought new stories and voices (coming from the two year old mind/mouth) of princess dolls, Thomas the train, or anything she felt needed a voice. It seems like a new discovery was made every single day, it was a mind blowing year of development. It was the year we finally got sleep issues under control. The year she finally gave up the pacy and crib, officially becoming a “big girl.”

And now, we have a three year old. I imagine that means even more development, independence, and sassy attitude but I hope it also means more great memories as she blooms into the person she is.

Happy Birthday, Savannah! We love you, oh, so, very much.

My, how we’ve come so far in just 3 years.

As individuals and as a family.

So, do I look any older yet?  I feel older.  I really feel, like, 28 because our lifestyle is so different than a typical person our age, but the number 22 will do for now I suppose. I know, I know. One day I will wish the numbers were going backwards instead of forwards, but like I said last year, every new birthday brings another number that hopefully brings a little more respect as I get further  from the teenage years and gains new experiences and knowledge.

We’re celebrating today by baking lots of goodies (birthdays do get less exciting as you get older, so making the best with what I got!).  I’m experimenting with a peanut butter cookie recipe that uses agave rather than sugar. We’ll see how those turn out.  We’re also making strawberry cupcakes for Mark. Why am making HIM cake on MY birthday, you ask?  Well, because I like to bake, I love him, and it’s something fun to do with Savannah (by the way, Savannah is becoming a quite an expert stirrer). Plus, he’s scared of my healthy alternative foods so I feel like I should compensate for that.

I’m convinced this 22nd year of mine will be one of the best yet and I’m looking forward to it. For starters, I will finally get a new car this year, I will graduate college, and then move into our own house! And that’s just 3 big things, I’m sure other blessings are bound to pop up as God is always good :-)

I’m also pretty stoked that it looks like I’ll have enough birthday money (thank you, dear family!) to cover a plane ticket to see my wonderfully missed best friend Breanna especially since my BIG birthday present (remember, back in July?) has been paid off with some major book sales (thank you half.com!) and ad revenue. Bre and I became pregnant about the same time and while my pregnancy didn’t continue, I still live vicariously through her so this will be a treat to not only see her, but get to “meet” her baby boy in a way.

So, here’s to a good year full of blessings and moving forward in life as a family. Thank you, God, for another year. And thank you, Mom, for your hard work 22 years ago, too :-)