(Just so you aren’t confused…I wrote this the same night as the last post, Forming the Adoption Puzzle, but this deserved its own separate post. Plus, I wanted to space out posts since I’ve been slacking lately :-) So, pretend its Friday April 15th again!)

Pregnancy, birth, and all things tiny-newborn-cute  has started to consume me again. I know, I still have a completely adorable and happy 5 month old baby upstairs blissfully sleeping, but I can’t help myself. There is seriously some hardwired momma gene in me I can’t just turn off. And no, I’m not pregnant. But, after months of talking Mark has finally officially agreed to having a 3rd child down the road, so just the thought that I will get to experience the amazingness of pregnancy and natural birth again (God willing, of course) has had me doing a happy dance all week. Of course, ideally I’d like to wait awhile to let my body heal and to enjoy the sweet baby that Jaxson is so don’t expect a baby bump on this blog any time soon!

That said, tonight (along with our adoption talk) Savannah revealed something else to me that I hadn’t known she thought about in her little girl mind. I told you, it was a serious discussion night during our snuggle session. In the book we were reading, the sister goes to the hospital to visit her Mommy and new baby brother and she stopped me while reading.

Savannah- “Mommy, why did she go to the hospital?”

Me- “Well, that’s where she went to have her baby. Just like when I went to the birthing center to have Jaxson.”

Savannah- “But, why didn’t I get to go to the birthing center?”

Me- “Did you want to?”

Savannah- “Yeah, I wanted to watch him come out.”

Whoa!  Like, whoa in a good way. I debated whether I wanted Savannah in the room or not when Jaxson made his debut, but I hadn’t done the whole natural-birthing-thing before and I didn’t even know what it would be like myself.  I didn’t know how I’d react to the contractions, the noises I’d make, if I would be straight up scary to be around, etc. and I just didn’t feel comfy with anyone else in the room except my husband and midwife. But, it melted my heart to hear her say that she wanted to be there. It makes sense to me that she would want to, after all she was there for every prenatal appointment, she felt his kicks and sang to him every night, we watching baby stories on TV and talked about birth. She was very involved with his pregnancy and it fascinated her, why wouldn’t she want to see her baby brother come out?  Next time, I think it would be neat for her to experience it. I feel like I know more now that I’ve lived it, that I could do my birthing thing with her observing the miracle nearby. I want to raise her to not fear child birth, that it’s a natural thing that God so beautifully designed. I want her to know that it isn’t painful if we let our body do its thing. What better way to teach her that, than to show her that? Society teaches about birth differently and in a much different light…I’d rather her see it for what it is, not what the way culture would have her believe it is. This article explains why its beneficial to have children present. Yeah, its not a choice for everyone just like natural birth isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but its one I’m willing to explore.

Also, every time we talk about having another baby she insists it will be a girl. Tonight when I told her she might be able to watch next time, “Then I’ll have a baby brother AND a baby sister living with me!” Hopeful? Or intuitive? Like I said though, don’t expect a baby bump around here any time soon!

Jaxson is almost 4 months old now (when I started this post he was 8 weeks old!) and has been in cloth diapers almost exclusively for the past 3 months. How’s it going, you ask? Pretty awesome! I am loving cloth diapering and I love keeping extra $40 in my pocket a month not buying disposables!

I had planned to do cloth diapers from the very beginning but with my low iron after birth I didn’t have the energy to walk up the stairs, let alone keep up with diaper laundry. I also quickly learned that prefolds and covers weren’t for me, which were the majority of my newborn stash. I did like kissaluvs fitteds and prowrap covers though! But, I only had 2 so I just used them every now and then. He gained weight and cute leg rolls quickly and at about a month old we (*ahem*…I! Mark hasn’t changed one yet!) eased into cloth. I had enough for 1 day but wanted more so I could go longer between washings.  Mark’s coworkers gave us a  gift card that had more than enough  to double our stash (thanks guys!) from my favorite cloth diaper store Jack Be Natural (excellent customer service and rewards!).

I already had some Bumgenius from my short cloth diapering stint with Savannah, and had bought some Grovia hybrids and a Fuzzibunz, and I liked those, but I decided to try out Kawaii Baby diapers since I heard such great things about them and they are much cheaper! I’m all about getting more for my money. They are extremely similar to BumGenius or Fuzzibunz (depending on which style you get), I love them and are at the top of my favorite list. The Pure and Naturals are the trimmest cloth diaper I’ve used (very close to a disposable fit under clothes), but I prefer to use a fuzzibunz newborn insert to fit the smaller width better (which unfortunately only comes with a Fuzzibunz one size diaper and not sold separately, I looked). I also got some of Kawaii’s Minky Bamboo and they are my favorite for night time since bamboo is super absorbent yet the insert is really thin (and I’ll be honest I am too tired to change his diaper at ever night time feeding, so super absorbency is good!). They also are the softest thing I’ve ever felt.

So to sum things up that I’ve learned or liked about cloth diapering so far:

1. They really do keep in the breastfeeding poo’s better! Every single time he has had a famous baby poo-up-the-back-blow-out has been when he was wearing disposables. In fact, I can only think of maybe 1 or 2 times when his cloth diaper leaked pooped and even then it was only a tiny bit around the leg. I do find that pee will still leak around the legs or sides if I don’t change him soon enough (usually at night when not wearing a bamboo diaper). Still, I remember with Savannah having to treat so many of her clothes or my own sheets for stains at this exclusive breastfeeding stage and I don’t have to do that with his clothes!

2. Washing is easy and no big deal. I do a warm prewash, hot wash with Classic Rockin’ Green or Crunchy Clean, two rinses. Done. Everything goes into the dryer except the shells that I hang on this cool wire rack. Don’t ask me where I got it from, it came with our house. I almost threw it away because I was like, “What in the world would I use this for?!” But it’s perfect for drying cloth diapers inside and not taking up much space so I’m glad I held onto it. Also, our water bill hasn’t gone up much. I’d rather pay a few extra dollars a month in water than even more money on disposables that just get thrown away.

3. Have at least 2 wetbags! (or pail liners if you use a pail.) I use a Planetwise large hanging bag to store our dirty diapers and then it gets tossed in the wash with them. However, until recently I only had 1 bag so while it was washing I was left with a stack of dirty diapers sitting on Jax’s changing area. Granted, they don’t stink at this point because he is only breastfed but still….gross. It’s totally worth the extra money to have another one to keep rotating each wash. Plus, its nice to have a smaller one for your diaper bag when out on the go (which, cloth diapering on the go isn’t so bad either!).

4. He gets diaper rash from when we do use disposable diapers and wipes (which is very rare these days). There’s gotta be something to that! I feel better knowing those chemicals aren’t on him and bothering his skin 24/7.

5. I know some people worry about the “ick factor” of cloth diapers. At this point, its no big deal. I spray a cloth wipe with water, clean him, then shake out the insert into the wetbag. Occasionally, an insert needs help getting out and so I may have to touch a pee filled one but that doesn’t bother me. Right now breastfeeding poo’s are water soluble so no extra step needed, we’ll see how things change once he starts solids in a few months and the poop consistency changes. I know I’ll be investing in or making a diaper sprayer!

I think it is so neat how cloth diapering is catching back on in the parenting world :-) It really is very easy once you stop being overwhelmed by the choices and has so many benefits. I have many mommy friends that have taken the plunge and never looked back!

And…we’re back to baby and birth talk! I had one last thing to share about my birth experience that I think helped me get the birth I desired: Gentle Birth Formula. Since I was induced with Kaylee and Savannah, my midwife suggested I take a supplement as birth neared to help my body prepare itself and hopefully give it a little nudge in the right direction.  I did my research and found this one seemed to have the best results (this forum post was a huge help to read people’s real experiences!) and, of course, got it approved by my midwife before taking it.

So what is it? It’s a mix of herbs that is supposed to help your body prepare for labor. You start taking 1/4th a teaspoon at 35 weeks once a day and then build up to taking it 3 times a day until you give birth (I’ve heard you can take it after birth to help your uterus go back down and help with bleeding as well). However, I didn’t start until 37 weeks and I went straight 3 times day since I was technically full term.  And no, it doesn’t taste horrible since you mix it in a glass of water. I found it easier to take in a small gulp of water rather than an entire glass because it does leave a funky taste if you are constantly sipping on it. It comes in 3 different formulas, I went with the original because I knew Red Raspberry Leaf was great for toning the uterus (and was getting tired of drinking the tea every day!) and I felt comfortable with taking Blue Cohosh because I didn’t have high blood pressure. But, there are two formulas that leave those ingredients out if you need.

While I still went over my due date by a week, I truly think these herbs made a huge difference in my birth experience. Why? Let me count the ways.

This is what Gentle Birth Claims to do:

• Less Pain during labor and delivery
• Advanced Dilation before discomfort was felt
• Shorter and Easier Labor
• Shorter Recovery Time

And how did my experience stack up? Yes, yes, yes, and maybe.

While I certainly felt pain during labor, it never was unbearable. Sure, that could also be because I spent weeks learning how to relax myself and not fear the pain, but I could tell a difference in how the pain even felt compared to  Kaylee’s and Savannah’s labor before I asked for an epidural with them. Like, the fact that I was in full on active labor and then pushing without screaming for an epidural should say something because with Kaylee and Savannah I barely got to 3 or 4cm and I was ready for it. Advanced dilation before discomfort? I’d say so! I was a whopping 6 cm before real labor kicked in, mostly due to the fact that I had weeks of prelabor but each episode of prelabor/false labor that lasted a few hours or less brought me closer to the magic number 10 without much pain. Of course, it was annoying to keep thinking, “This is it! Oh, it stopped.” But, it made progress, I learned something new about labor with each episode, and that made it worth it in the long run.  I also never experienced any of that with Kaylee or Savannah, I had braxton hicks occasionally but I never thought I was in labor or even got past 1cm before going in for my inductions. Shorter and Easier labor? Yup. From the time real contractions started at 5:30pm to Jaxson being born at 10:07pm, it was only 4 and a half-ish hours. Again, this wasn’t like my previous two births where it took 12 hours to get from 1-10 hooked up the pitocin. And obviously, already being at 6cm helped speed things along too. However, my recovery time, while in some ways shorter like postpartum bleeding time and afterpains were much milder, I did have a harder time because I lost so much blood after birth and my iron was extremely low. Once I got my iron boosted back up, I felt much better though physically.

So, that pretty much wraps up my birth experience and what I found helpful in preparing for a natural birth. I definitely recommend this product whether you are seeking a natural birth or not because it does seem to make a difference in preparation to make birth easier. Of course, there are other things you can take or do to prepare your body, like drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea or taking/inserting Evening Primrose Oil and that can be found easier in local stores if you don’t want to shell out 30 some dollars for Gentle Birth. It was worth it to me though :-)

Seriously though, do the research and check with your doctor or midwife first before taking this or anything else.

I can’t believe it…Jaxson is a month old. Where, oh where, does time go?

Things are busy here as you can imagine, lots of diaper changes and feedings, chauffeuring Savannah to school and trying to get out more to see friends. Not to mention Christmas, ah! If you’ve read the past few years, Christmas cards are kinda a big deal to me and I can’t sit down long enough to focus on ordering them. And trying to figure out gifts for all our family? It’s a tad overwhelming!

Actually, life in general has felt overwhelming at times the past month. I definitely had 2-3 weeks of baby blues and it made it hard to enjoy these quickly passing moments. I could handle my job as Mom to Jaxson easily, because I love nurturing, feeding, etc. but I felt like everything else was overwhelming to take care of, including Savannah. Savannah in turn I think fed of off that feeling and was having a hard time…we fought all day long for weeks. I would just cry, feeling like I was failing at being her mother. I haven’t been raising her to act like this, have I?! I felt like I couldn’t effectively be her Mom and give her what she needed (which probably was just more time alone with me and a gentler mother) and didn’t see how we could get back to being in that “grove” we were in before. Both of our routines were thrown off and it was hard! For example, we used to snuggle every night and I would scratch her back before she fell asleep, but I physically could not climb into bed with her after birth since I was recovering or needing to feed Jaxson just as she was able to go to bed. I would become weepy at any time and in general just didn’t feel like myself. I wanted to enjoy this family and life of mine, but it was hard to enjoy anything but taking care of Jaxson.

I also had a really hard time thinking about how my pregnancy and delivery was over. Part of it I know was that it was my focus for months, preparing my body and mind for delivery and suddenly it was done and over. I am certainly happy Jaxson finally made his arrival but I already miss being pregnant! I couldn’t unpack my bag that I took to the birthing center for 2 weeks, I couldn’t think about my midwife or look at my pregnancy clothes without crying. It was strange to me, I hadn’t felt that way about Kaylee or Savannah’s birth. I feel very, very attached to Jaxson’s birth because it was everything I wanted it to be and it is really hard knowing it’s over and perhaps I will never get to experience anything like it again if he is our last child. Finally, what really brought me to my lows of all lows was Jaxson getting his circumcision done at 3 weeks. I struggled with the decision, but it was important to Mark so we did it. I sobbed all day long, hating that I put my little innocent boy in pain for what felt like no reason. Thankfully my sweet friends helped me find peace in the decision, after all, what is done is done! But, after spending all day really crying I woke up feeling like a new person. I think being able to let myself cry, not just weepy little tears, helped me get out all those emotions I was trying to stop from happening (That, and a lot of prayers!). I suddenly felt much more normal and *gasp* happy! And, Savannah has been a new person as well which makes life so much easier. After 3 weeks we began to find our grove again. I still feel like I have a long way to go to really balance this Mom of 2 thing, being a wife, keeping up with laundry and dishes, etc. but it is nice to be in a place of optimism again rather than a dark hole.

As for Jaxson, I’m amazed at how quickly he is growing. He was born at 8 pounds and almost has gained a pound a week since then. Super Momma milk! He outgrew all his newborn clothes within 2 weeks and now is in 3 months, I keep telling him to slow down but he doesn’t listen. Savannah has always gained weight slowly, always wearing the size that coordinated with her age (6 months at 6 months old, etc) so it is strange to have such a quickly growing boy! He is starting to smile at us, it’s a rare occurrence still, but it melts my heart every time. Savannah is thriving in her role as a big sister now that we are getting over some of the jealousy. She loves to help take care of him, she snuggles with us in the mornings, gives him lots of kisses, and even shares her beloved blanky with him. We also are now doing cloth diapers a lot more now that his belly button and circumcision has healed and he has gained some weight so they fit better. I hate prefolds (I feel like I can’t get a good fit and they’re SO bulky), but am loving GroVias and Kawaii’s (shown below) now that he can fit bigger diapers.

Looks just like his Daddy, right?

Jaxson’s pregnancy was different in so many ways, not just because he was a boy and I felt physically different than with Kaylee and Savannah, but because of the care I chose during pregnancy. After two pregnancies with OBGYNs, two hospital births, two pitocin inductions, and two episiotomies I wanted something different. Not just in how I envisioned the birth to be, but in the attention and care I got through the 9 months as well. I did see an OBGYN during the first trimester to ease my fears after losing our twins last year and my visits there only confirmed my desire for something more. Sure, the doctor was nice but I was tired of waiting 45 minutes just to be seen for 5 minutes . Tired of tests I was told I needed to do. Tired of feeling like just a chart and not a person. So, I took advantage of The Pregnant Woman’s Rights and I switched when I felt comfortable that Jaxson was going to “stick” and be healthy in the beginning of my second trimester.

I had actually been researching midwives to use since I found out I was pregnant in 2009 with the twins so I had already decided who I wanted and where I wanted to deliver. My midwife, I’ll call her D, works with a birthing center completely separate from the hospital and only consists of licensed midwives. It took Mark a little while to get used to the idea of not using a hospital for fear of the “what if’s” but once he met D he began to trust her as I did. The birthing center was a stepping stone in a way for us, it was a way to get the completely natural experience I wanted like a home birth would be, but it wasn’t our home (which we both weren’t ready for). The differences between the OB and midwife care was apparent from the very beginning, even back in 2009 when I would email her questions about my miscarriage.

1) I loved that I could email or call her directly if I had questions or needed anything. I called her a million times to  inform her about contractions starting or stopping, to ask about cold remedies, questions about baby movements, my family concerns when I was overdue, etc. 2 weeks postpartum I still call her with concerns about Jaxson or postpartum things. It is so nice to get a quick response and not going through nurses, waiting hours for phone calls back.

2) I have only ever had her for my care and she was there the entire labor/delivery. D was the one who did my prenatal appointments and I knew she would be at my delivery. No doctor rotations, no hoping you get the doctor you like when you go into labor, no doctors popping in and out when its convenient for them, no hoping the nurse you get is a good one. So because I had her for every appointment and through the entire labor we both got to know each other much better than a typical doctor/patient.

3) Which brings me to my next point that prenatal appointments lasted much longer than a doctor appointment. Actually, technically it would be shorter since I practically never had a waiting time to be seen. But, meaning she was checking the baby and we were talking for good 20-30 minutes. I loved there wasn’t a rush in-rush out feel with her, she took her time. And again, having this extra time let me (and Savannah since she came to all my appointments and was often included in checking on the baby) get to know D more on almost a friend level.

4) I had options and could make decisions. In typical OB care, you are told what tests to take when, what shots or blood work you need, what the baby needs after birth, etc. as “preventatives,” regardless of whether you or your baby is at risk for the issue or not.  I loved that since I had no sugar in my urine or any other signs of gestational diabetes, I didn’t have to get the test done!  I also had the choice at 28 weeks if I wanted to get the rhogam shot as a preventative in case I had a car accident or something that would cause my blood to mix with Jaxson’s since I am RH-. Having had two other pregnancies, I thought I needed it or something horrible would go wrong and at first I was going to get it just in case. But honestly, the price of the shot (over $100) made me think twice about it…why spend that money if we don’t need it? D helped me do the research and I asked several professionals their advice and all said it wasn’t needed during pregnancy (even a hospital labor and delivery nurse and a wife to a doctor!). And IF something happened, like a car accident, I still had a window of opportunity to get the shot. In the end, I chose not to get the shot during pregnancy (but needed it after birth and I did take that one) and while it was hard at first to let go of the doctor mentality that something horrible would go wrong…I’m glad I had that choice and glad I made the choice I did.

5) The atmosphere was so much more relaxing! Though the birthing center is in a business building, when you walk in it is very homey. Especially the birthing rooms, they are set up as bed rooms you would have at home with real furniture, dressers, colorful bedlinens, painted walls, curtains, etc. No uncomfortable hospital beds, it was so nice to share a normal queen size with Mark and Jaxson after delivery. I’m sure it was much more comfortable than the hard couch/bed thing Mark had when Savannah was born! The prenatal room was the same way, a twin size bed rather than those hard paper covered doctor tables.  There was also much less people around since the midwives split up their days in the office, so it was quiet even during the day.

6) The attention I got from D in all areas was different. Not just her being there when I needed something, but during visits she asked questions that went beyond what doctors seem to care about. She had me pay more attention to my diet by writing down what I was eating for a week, every visit she asked if I was drinking enough water, she cared about how I was feeling emotionally in the week after birth, she encouraged me to let my self rest and recover after birth (not climb stairs, not get out of bed for 24 hours, etc.) and let others take care of me. Our visits just feel much more in depth and, well, personal. I’m definitely not just a chart number any more.

7) My labor(s) and delivery were what really marked the difference though. Like I said, it was such a peaceful and relaxing environment. The lights could be turned low how I wanted them. I could move into positions that I wanted rather than being stuck in the bed with IV’s. I was encouraged to eat and drink as much as I could rather than being starved with only ice chips to eat, “just in case” I ended up with a c-section. When it came time to push I chose what position felt the best and I was able to be in the birthing pool. The only time D told me to change positions was when Jax was taking a while to fully crown and she knew gravity would help, so I moved from a semi-reclined position to squatting to standing. I also didn’t hear “PUSH PUSH PUSH!” a million times like you hear on TV. D knew my body needed time to breathe Jax down by itself first to prevent tearing so she didn’t encourage me to actually try to push until the very end. She also didn’t do an episonomy like the previous doctors did and let my body tear naturally (which ended up being 2 small shallow tears that didn’t need stitches, much better than episonomy recovery!). I loved that she let my body do what it needed to do rather than forcing it (same for during pregnancy, I would have been hooked up to pitocin or had a c-section after my stalled labor if I was at a hospital).

8) After birth was also a huge difference. After D unwrapped his cord from his neck, he was immediately passed to me and he stayed with me. No rough rubbing to clean him off or make him cry, it was very gentle and calm. We did skin-to-skin contact for hours afterward and we were encouraged to breastfeed as soon as possible (with Savannah she was taken away and it was 3 hours after birth before they brought her to feed!). Jaxson wasn’t weighed until probably 2 hours after he was born, until I was ready to let him be checked out (which is why he popped 3 times before he was weighed, so he probably was more than 8 pounds at delivery). He didn’t get the goopy gunk in his eyes, since I knew I didn’t have STD’s or an infection for him to contract (again with the choices!). Like I said before, all 3 of us were able to rest in one comfy bed and when I was finally feeling some-what better after my blood loss we were able to go home after only 12 hours of arriving the night before.

I could write much more I’m sure, but that’s the gist of the midwife experience I had. Of course, experiences vary from person to person, from different midwives or issues that may come up. For me, it was amazing in every way (even with the frustrations of weeks in prelabor!), from the beginning to present.  I’m so happy with the choices I made and the outcome, I feel much more “complete” in my birthing experience than I did with Savannah. I got the natural approach to pregnancy and birth I wanted, I have a healthy son, and I feel like I’ve met yet another goal of mine. I did it!

Would I do it again this way? Absolutely.

Jaxson is already a week old. Wow. This time last week I was slurping away at a castor oil milkshake and doing Christmas shopping with him in my belly. It’s so bittersweet to think that my pregnancy with him is over yet I’m loving having him in our arms. Here’s a rundown of our first week as a family of four:

1) Savannah loves him. She asks to hold him often and runs to him if he’s crying to see what is wrong. She was absolutely giggly when she finally got to meet him the day we came home (so glad we captured that on video!). She often tells him that she loves him and has been a great helper when he needs something. Yet, she is also having a hard time adjusting to sharing Mommy and the attention, as we expected. Some moments have been rough for all of us as we adjust, and I’m learning that I need to keep depending on God for strength and wisdom in how to deal with this life change. And to simply just relax knowing that this is normal and it will pass. Each day does get better and better though as we find our new “normal.”

2) I’ve felt pretty weak from losing too much blood after birth, not to mention exhausted from the many wake up calls throughout the night.  And again, each day does leave me feeling better, especially since I started an iron supplement and I finally knocked out a cold that wouldn’t go away (Floradix and Vitamin D3 are my new best friends).  I’ve also been dealing with a lot of back pain since Jax’s birth threw something out of wack.  Some times I couldn’t even sit down because it would shoot pain up my back, ouch!  I decided to be brave a try a chiropractor to help (I hate popping things!) and it definitely has made a difference.

3) I’ve been overwhelmed with the love overflowing from friends and family, even people I have never met.  We’ve had a meal brought to use every single night between my local mommy group and the church we’ve only been to not even a handful times. My own family came down and took care of us for a few days bringing gifts and cooking me even more meals. It’s been wonderful to be surrounded by such love!

4) Jaxson is doing amazing. He only lost 2 ounces from his birth weight and quickly surpassed his birth weight just days later. He’s hit  a growth spurt and changing already, getting fat rolls around his chin and little legs. He eats like a champ (obviously) and is a pretty laid back guy. He sleeps pretty well at night considering he doesn’t have any “awake” periods like Savannah used to, but he does wake up often to eat…some nights every 30 minutes to an hour. I’m so hoping this is just because of the growth spurt! I’d be happy with even waking up every 2-3 hours at this point, seeing every single hour on the clock between 8pm and 9am is absolutely rough.

5) On the cloth diaper front, we haven’t switched over yet. One, because I have been feeling so weak and couldn’t physically manage doing chores like washing diapers for a while. Two, I wanted to get past the meconium stage. Three, because while his cord stump has fallen off, it still has a scab and I want that to heal first. The few times I did try cloth diapers with a cover (I love the Kissaluvs size O’s! ) it messed with his scab and I’d rather that be left alone. But, hopefully in the next week or two we’ll make the switch :-) And since he’s gaining weight quickly and getting fat rolls hopefully we can use the bigger sizes like Bumgenius and GroVia too :-)

6) While going from a Mom of 1 to 2 has absolutely been an adjustment for all of us, I think parenting number 2 seems slightly easier so far. I’ve been down this road before, I’ve got breastfeeding down (no crying in pain and considering formula like I did with Savannah so far!), I know better how to handle the night time wakings and survive them, etc. It has come back easily and I’m enjoying having a newborn around again.  Yes, it’s hard to eat with one hand, balance taking care of two kid’s needs, and get only 30 minutes of sleep at a time but I’m finding that it’s all about perspective. I know how quickly this will pass now that I’ve had Savannah and have watched her grow rapidly before my eyes. I want to treasure this sweet, crazy time before it’s gone too…and that makes those sleepless nights worth it. You bet I’m “spoiling” Jax with cuddles constantly right now!

7) I seriously feel sad that the birth is over. It was such a looked forward to event that consumed my thoughts and actions as I prepared for it, that it’s almost like I’ve had to grieve that it’s over and may never get to do it again. I had such a great pregnancy and loved my experience using a midwife and birthing center (I have a post planned with more details on that!). I keep re-living my labor and birth over in my head, proud of myself and in awe at how quickly it happened (once it FINALLY happened). So bittersweet.

And lastly, what I know you really came here to see…Jax at one week old:

Please excuse any misspellings or mistakes. I’m tired.

As you may remember part I of Jaxson’s birth story was last Friday on his due date, November 5th. I labored for hours, getting to 6cm before it stalled. And we waited and waited for it to kick back in.  Thursday was another round of prelabor, having contractions all night and well into the day before they fizzled again.  Friday November 12, I was 41 weeks and we were ready to get serious about getting this baby out into the world for many reasons.  I called my midwife, bought castor oil, and prayed that this would do the trick. (Yes, I did my research before taking it and I trust my midwife. I made sure to stay hydrated and there is no proof that it causes the baby to poop inside the womb, which it didn’t forJax).

Savannah was already had her grandparents since we thought the prelabor the day before could have been “it” and Mark had the day off, so we got lunch at the mall where I put about an ounce of castor oil in a milk shake and we did some Christmas shopping. When we got home around 3 or 4 that afternoon my contractions were irregular so I took another dose (my midwife suggests doing a dose every few hours) in lime juice and water. At 5pm Mark and I started watching a movie and right then the pooping fun began. It wasn’t too bad to me, just annoying to keep getting up to go. The taste of castor oil is probably worse since it is hard to get it to mix into anything! Like I said, I made sure to drink water constantly.

By 6:30 contractions were happening every 2-3 minutes but not painful (more like braxton hicks feeling) so my midwife said to stay at home and see if they get more intense and don’t fizzle out again. I took one more final dose of castor oil (midwife recommends 3 doses) in a snow cone to see if that would help. By 8pm things had definitely picked up stronger, still every 2-3 minutes but was feeling more with each contraction, especially in my lower back. Since we knew Jax was having a hard time getting to the right position for delivery, I laid over my birthing ball to encourage gravity to help him. About 8:15 I felt a pop, water trickle, and I suddenly felt him move lower and into position. I called my midwife and we all got ready to meet at the birthing center. During the wait I had a lot of pressure from either him moving down or the rest of my water bulging and every contraction was centered on my tail bone. We got to the birthing center around 9pm, where I worked through contractions by breathing and leaning against the wall while I waited for the tub to be filled and everything was set up for the birth. I noticed I started to feel a little nauseous with each contraction and at the peeks I almost was to the point of “I can’t do this!” in my head so I wondered if I was in transition phase, but didn’t say anything. I still felt confident that I could do this, knowing that each contraction was bringing me closer to meeting Jaxson and that each pain I felt only lasted for a minute. I remembered in the birthing class we took the midwife saying, “Who can’t do anything for a minute?” And I took that to heart each time knowing it wouldn’t last long.

I probably got into the birthing pool around 9:30, put in my headphones and finally let myself relax enough through each contraction, before I was almost was holding him in so that I either wouldn’t deliver him at home or when things weren’t ready yet. She checked me and said I was fully effaced and he was definitely lower, didn’t tell me dilation though.  Just after that while she called the second midwife to be on her way, I felt a huge pop as the rest of my water broke and instantly felt him move down even lower and my body began pushing. When they say you can’t fight the urge to push, it is so true! My body took over. I began making noises I never thought I would make, I felt my body begin pushing uncontrollably. I remembered also from class to keep the noises low and to breathe the baby down instead of the high pitched tense noises that are counterproductive.  Contractions were definitely intense and on top of each other, this was it! Jax began crowning soon after but was going slowly as my body knew I needed time to stretch to prevent major tearing.  She asked me to change positions into let gravity help bring him down and then she had me stand up. Crowning was absolutely the hardest part of delivery, I felt the ring of fire, I felt the stretching, I felt his head right there but wondered if he’d ever come out. This was the only point I thought “WHY did I chose a natural birth?!” Because it was so intense in every way. Once I stood up and began to really push harder, he came out quickly. It is amazing how instantly there is relief! I sat down in the tub and held my new baby boy! He was born at 10:07pm, just about an hour after getting to the birthing center and 20 minutes of pushing.

She told me the cord was wrapped around his neck FOUR times, which is probably why I had so many issues with his position, false labors, and him crowning so slowly since my body knew it needed time to stretch for the cord too. Jax had always been very active in my belly so it didn’t surprise me he had a cord around his neck.  Thankfully, God knew what He was doing and Jax had a very long cord so even with it wrapped four times, Jax never was choked and his heart rate was always perfect even during delivery. He came out with great color, just obviously tired from his journey. He didn’t cry, but made little whimpering noises until a few minutes later.

Then, it was my turn to have a scary moment. After the placenta came I started to bleed more than I should and I nearly blacked out trying to get out of the pool to the bed. My blood pressure dropped very low and I felt completely drained. They gave me a shot of pitocin and had me try to eat/drink. You could tell they were worried but after a few hours I was feeling better and bleeding normally. I still feel weak and trying to take it easy.

After I was feeling better 2-3 hours later we finally weighed and check out Jaxson. He checked out perfectly and weighed 8 pounds half an ounce, 19 and quarter long.  He probably weighed more at birth but he had already pooped a few times in the hours before weighing him. We rested and nursed throughout the night on a queen sized bed, including Mark, with Jax in the middle. It was so nice compared to the hospital!

12 hours after arriving, we left for home. He’s perfect, I’m understandably tired and sore but doing great. Definitely worth the wait and hard work :-)

I’ll admit, I spent all day Sunday crying my eyes out after my labor stopped Saturday morning and obviously has not picked back up yet.  I kept thinking, “But it was REAL! I dilated 2cm! I had real contractions! I should be holding my baby right now!” and then I would start crying all over again.  I realize now that I needed to grieve that birth I felt I should have had on Friday night/Saturday morning. It was very, very real and emotionally it has been difficult to move past the thought that I did something wrong, that I should have done something more to keep the contractions going, etc. But, after “grieving” what felt like a loss,  I’ve got a new perspective. Yes, it stinks that I’m not holding my new baby boy right now and my family all drove hours without getting to meet him before having to leave again, but my eyes have been opened to realize things about this birth when it really does happen.

1) I learned what real contractions feel like (or, at least much more real contractions than I’ve had before). Oh yes, they feel very different from all the prelabor contractions I’ve had in the past 3 weeks. From the first one I felt at the mall checking out Chicfila, I could tell it was different. Prelabor for me was period type cramps with random tightening and felt more like braxton hicks. Real labor for me feels like extreme tightening moving from the top of my legs up my belly and definitely had the “wave” and “peaks” that people talk about. However, I wouldn’t call it pain. I am choosing to believe that childbirth doesn’t have to be the excruciating painful thing that people portray it to be if I let go of that fear and relax with it. It was uncomfortable, yes (I didn’t want to move during them) but it just felt like EXTREME tightening running up my belly. I also learned my belly even shapes differently. Braxton hicks looks more like a basketball and round, real ones my belly squares out some. I’m glad to know the difference now, so I will know when it’s real next time.

2) I learned how I handle the contractions. I’ve been reading about Hypnobirthing and using relaxing CD’s, along with my faith in God, to prepare for labor and got to use them on Friday. It was so incredibly helpful! My favorite is Comfort Zone by Steve Halpern, it seriously can put me to sleep (or at least in a deep relaxation) any time, even during contractions. Mark told me afterward that at one point he looked over while I was in the birthing tub that I looked so relaxed he was afraid I’d fall asleep and drown!  Sure, I hadn’t got to the transition phase yet so things weren’t too intense but it felt good to know that I can relax and just trust my body through contractions.

3) I learned that I don’t need much support during labor (again, it may be different during transition/pushing phase). While laboring I just wanted to be alone! I wanted the lights to be dim, to put my headphones in and walk around the room or be in the tub.  Mark was actually in the room sleeping the majority of the time (as was my Mom in the waiting room) and the midwife would come in every hour to check how I was doing and Jaxson’s heartbeat.  This is a huge change to me because I felt like before I would need lots of support and advice of what to do to help manage, but I was totally okay and new instinctively what I needed to try. And that feels pretty good to have a sneak peak to boost my confidence even more to know I can do this!

4) I got to know my midwife more personally and how things work at the birthing center. Enough said. It was a fantastic experience of the 12 hours I was there. I can’t wait for “Part II” of labor, it was such a relaxing environment for everyone there.

5) I also learned that I only want Mark and my midwife in the room when I actually deliver Jaxson. I thought I wanted or needed lots of people, like my Mom, Stepmom (they’ve been to my past births), and even a photographer. But, I realized that this is such an intimate time. Not just exposing very personal body parts, but emotionally this birth will be hugely different than when Kaylee or Savannah were born. I can’t explain why it’s different, but it is. Best put, it just feels intimate and like it’s something special for just Mark and I as a married couple to be welcoming our child into the world after so much work (versus just laying in a hospital bed waiting for the doctor to tell me to push).

6) I hate to admit this, but before last Friday I wasn’t sure Mark would know what to do when I went into labor because we haven’t had a baby this way before.  Friday (and this past 5 days in general) has shown me that he is perfectly capable of knowing what needs to be done and listening to my needs. He has been such an incredible support emotionally and physically, I’m so blessed to have him!

7) I learned to trust my body, baby, and God…that if it stalled there must be a reason for it (I still struggle with this in some moments, but peace quickly fills my doubts when I bring the worries to God again). I may never know why it stalled, but at least it was a learning experience on so many levels :-) Spiritually God has taught me so much in this waiting time, He has used this time to draw me closer to Him and it has also been a huge bonding experience for Mark and I.

Like I said, of course, I wish I was holding Jax right now. But I’m glad that in this waiting time, although frustrating and heartbreaking at moments, it has taught me important lessons and most importantly grown my faith stronger than its been in a long time.  This will all be worth it in the end, right?

P.S. 5 days over due at this point and going for a nonstress test this afternoon. Praying that I get see Jax’s sweet face on an ultrasound, that would make this waiting slightly more bearable :-)

For real, if you haven’t been over to the O Momma Writes page on Facebook, you might want to. Things have been happening in baby news and it is a lot easier to update over there when I can get a chance than a blog post.

But, I will write the longer version now while I’m sitting here…waiting…and wishing…

I went into labor around noon Friday (ON my due date!) and they gradually got stronger/closer through the day. Mark and I went to the mall to walk, they picked up in intensity as soon as I got there. Within an hour I went from “Oh! A contraction! Yay!” to having to stop and breathe through them.  Around 7pm I was ready to get to the birthing center, I wanted to get in the water because they were coming strong and very close to each other. The car ride was miserable…each contraction was on top of each other, the baby felt like he was going to fall out, and it felt like he was going to be born in the car! Mark was going 90 miles an hour on the highway to make sure we could get there in time. We were sure this birth would go quickly, especially since I was already 4cm dilated for the past week. I had my parents and photographer head on their way, I knew this was it. It felt totally different than all the prelabor contractions I had in the past weeks, but it was still totally manageable with lots of breathing and relaxing. I was feeling confident and at peace, excited that this was IT!  I labored in the tub off and on, walked around, and rested on the bed until about 2am and decided to get some sleep while they weren’t too bad.  At that point I had progressed from 4cm to 6cm.  By 5am they had slowed down and weren’t intense…pretty much gone. We tried herbs and walking, no luck. By 7am we decided it was a good idea to go home, get a shower, some breakfast, and try some things at home while we waited for them to pick back up.

They never did. At least nothing that has lasted. I had some after waking up from a nap around noon on Saturday. They stayed random and stopped eventually even with walking. I tried all the home remedies that people suggest, nothing worked. I then went walking again last night and they quickly picked up to 3-4 minutes again….until I got in the car to go home. So here I am today, having been home from the birthing center now for over 24 hours, sitting at 6cm, and nothing going on.

The frustrating part about doing this laboring/birthing naturally is that I (we…) have to trust my body and baby to know what it’s doing.  I am beyond frustrated, sad, angry that I was thisclose to having this baby and for some reason it has stopped. We think that either Jaxson just isn’t ready yet, or his change in positions has caused my labor to stall.  I read this article last night and it made me feel slightly better that it’s normal that some woman experience a “plateau.” My midwife assured me that everything is fine, the baby is healthy (he’s moving a lot and heartbeat has always been wonderful when checked) and since my water isn’t broken I should just rest while I can and wait for things to pick up again.  And while this is a horribly frustrating thing to experience…this starting and stopping…I am thankful that I’m not in a hospital where they would have pumped me up with pitocin or made me have a c-section by now for “failure to progress.” Sure, it’d be nice to be holding a baby right now but I’d rather not get to that point with medicine or surgery. I’m thankful my care is in the hands of some one has experience in this, has seen it before, and is letting my body take charge rather than interventions. Jaxson nor I are not at risk for anything at this point, so I wait (and wish, hope, pray).

I never, ever thought I’d be in this situation, having had 2 other kids and was already 4cm when I went into active labor. This isn’t just a physical adventure for me, it’s been a mental and spiritual one as well. Mentally, I’ve prepared for labor and delivery for months (I love hypnobirthing!), I am SO ready for this and ready to take it on and it’s hard to go from being ready to give birth Friday night and then coming home empty handed. Spiritually, especially at this point, I literally have no where to turn but God right now.  Sure I have support from friends, family, and my midwife but they can’t take this burden of frustration and worries from my shoulders. And all the natural interventions in the world can’t make my body go into labor again unless it’s ready. Literally, all I can do it pray and wait. I’m having to trust God and His timing, even though I REALLY don’t understand it.  In my mind going into labor on Friday was perfect since my family are all out of town and they would have the time off school/work to visit with us. They all made it here this weekend…but no baby has arrived. I just don’t get it.  But, I know God does and I know He has a plan in all this. While I’ve sat here crying last night and this morning, all I can do is surrender what I think is the ideal time and birth experience and hand it to God. It’s really hard to do and I’m having to surrender constantly, but it’s nice to feel a smidgen of peace each time I do.

If you are the praying type (or at least think positive thoughts), please send prayers this way.  For patience, wisdom, and peace. For a safe delivery and a healthy baby boy. That my family will be able to be here when he’s born or at least very soon after. This is a really tough place to be right now and even with my own praying it’s hard to not worry about all the unknowns.

I know (somewhere, deep down) I won’t be pregnant forever…so I’ll keep sitting (er…maybe walking!), waiting, and wishing that this little trickster be in my arms very soon. I can’t wait to see his little toes.

It’s November 1st. My due date is in 4 days! Wowza. I never thought it would get here, and I really kinda thought I’d have a baby before November seeing how much he has played tricks on us since about 35 weeks (but especially for the last 2 weeks!).

Any guesses about when Jaxson will arrive? I’m done guessing. I’ve had so many dreams that were wrong,  way off intuition feelings, and too many “practice” contractions to know what to think anymore or if I will even realize I’m in labor when it does actually start. Not to mention the fact that last week when I was checked I was already 3-4cm dilated plus all the other lovely labor is near “signs”…so surely it would be VERY soon, right? Nope.  I’m done guessing, and just trusting that God and this baby know what they are doing. But you can guess for me.

When do you think he’ll get serious and flip the active labor switch? And how big do you think he’ll be?

Kaylee was 7 pounds 2 ounces (induced on her due date)

Savannah was 8 pounds 1 ounce (induced the day after her due date)

(Yes, with that trend Jaxson will be in the 9 pound range…but strangely I’m not scared. I figure my body and God wouldn’t design a baby I can’t push out.)