Just so you know, since the 16 and Pregnant adoption episode aired last night, the full episode is now available online at MTV.  If you haven’t watched it yet, go check it out (it’s about 40 minutes) before you read my post, my blog will still be here when you’re done! And as a warning, you will need tissues.

Ok so, I watched it during Savannah’s nap time today and I have to say, I’m impressed. This has to be the first time in a while that I’ve seen adoption pretty darn realistic in that it shows the good and bad, the joys and pains, and expresses the truth of what adoption is about…love.  Of course, there are “bad” people out there that can create bad experiences and I can’t deny that it doesn’t happen in adoption, but in general this story reveals what it’s like for a birthmother who obviously cares for her child beyond words, has peace with her decision, with an adoptive couple completely open and loving in return.

Honestly, watching this episode was a lot like watching my own story on screen (they even all have heart pendents like we do to display how they are “linked for life”!).  It brought back so many memories of just 5 years ago, the closeness I felt with Kaylee and getting to know her family, the anguish of making that decision and not knowing what to expect emotionally with her delivery and afterward.  However unlike Catelynn, I had oodles of support for my decision and my heart breaks for her and Tyler in that even their own parents couldn’t see how mature they are for making the choice to give their daughter a better life than what they have.

And oh my goodness, how refreshing to see a birth father so involved! Tyler showed so much strength and maturity and clearly loves both Catelynn and their daughter.  Many times the dad’s disappear, even with parenting teens, and it was awesome to see that birth fathers (can) feel that same connection and love as well (Did you hear that sweet letter he wrote his daughter?! What a treasure that will be to her one day). It wasn’t the typical situation of “well give the baby up and let me live my life!” that I and so many other pregnant teens experienced.

If you remember, I had high expectations for this show. I wanted it to fight the stereotypes and it did. While it is sad that their family wasn’t supportive, it displayed the typical negative attitude and comments that people approach adoption with.  Sadly, Tyler’s own father told him that he wasn’t “manning it up” to the responsibility of being a dad by placing his daughter with another family for a better life but Tyler fought back though saying that his kid does deserve better than this life that they have. It’s impressive the passion and caring that he has, obviously it was worth fighting to give his daughter better.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard “I couldn’t ever do that” or “How can you carry a baby nine months and then just give it away?” when talking about adoption and once again it came up on this show.  Catelynn battled those comments as well and helped provide a true look at why people chose adoption, especially when she met with the adoptive parents and she explained why she made her choice.  Point blank: She wanted better for her daughter’s life. I love, love, love when she says, “I want her to know that I’m still there, that I didn’t just not care about her…I want her to have better than what I had and I’m doing what I think is the best” Bam. Proof right there that birthmothers do love and care about their children. The choice is out of love, not one that is selfish or not “manning up.”

I think for once, MTV did an awesome job portraying an adoption story and I pray that this show helps all who watch it to see the love inside this couple and every birth parent out there. That adoption is far from the easy way out. I have so much respect for Catelynn and Tyler and how they approached this. But then, I remembered that that was me a few years ago…and I’m proud.

What did you think?

I don’t really like MTV.  Well, I used to back in the middle school and high school days when it was the cool thing to watch all the time. But then I realized what trash it is, filled with sexual images and dirty language constantly. Ick!  Why waste my life watching crap on TV?

But, in saying that, I will be watching MTV this week for one show: 16 and Pregnant.  It’s covering an adoption story and the adoptive couple happens to be from North Carolina where I am from and went through the same agency one of my friend’s did.  With teen pregnancy on the rise and teen mothering becoming more and more the “cool” thing to do , I’m interested to see how this adoption story will play out in the media. Adoption just isn’t talked about much and when it is?  It’s usually either negative or totally misses the mark on what a blessing adoption can be.  Like Juno. Gah, hated the movie. It totally skimped out on how hard it is to make the choice of adoption!  The real emotions were smushed under comedy lines and a fake smile saying “let’s just get this baby out and NO I don’t want to have contact afterwards!” and a weird, weird relationship with the potential adoptive father. Bottom line: totally unrealistic. The same goes for the hit show “Secret Life of an American Teenager”. Again, it’s unrealistic and they backed out on the adoption story. Lame. Is adoption really that scary that people can’t talk about it for what it really is, the good and the bad, just like people do with teen pregnancy and parenting?

Anyway, I’m hoping MTV redeems it’s self with this show.  I hope and pray it fights the stereotypes that us birthmothers simply don’t care about our children, that we just give birth and never look back, or that we are escaping from the consequences of having sex, being selfish and irresponsible because we aren’t parenting our “mistake” (I totally don’t see Kaylee or Savannah as a mistake, fyi). I hope people can see we are exactly the opposite of what the world thinks we are: unselfish, responsible, and displaying the ultimate love in sacrifice to give our children better than we could at that time in life.  We may not deal with the “consequences” in midnight feedings and diaper trips, but we certainly feel the consequences on our heart every single day. I’m tired of people misunderstanding the heart of birthmothers and our intentions. Why are adoptive couples praised and unselfish for adopting a child but the birthmothers that provided that  opportunity for the couple is shunned and selfish? I just don’t get it.

Here is a small clip of the episode that seems very promising, I can so relate.  And of course, if you look on that same page Catelynn has already been met with public comments and disapproval of her choices. And yes, I made a MTV profile just to comment back to the ignorant comments.

16 and Pregnant: Catelynn’s Adoption story

On MTV this Thursday July 16 at 10pm

Expect a post with my thoughts afterwards! Here’s to hoping some adoption education is spread to the MTV world.

While I am still at peace and know there is nothing I could have done about my miscarriage, I’m seeing pregnant people everywhere or stumbling across their blogs where they describe pregnancy stuff…and it stabs me in the heart.

While at Best Buy on Friday I was watching Mark and Brother-In-Law play Rock Band when a pregnant woman, probably 5-6 months, was looking at products near by and I had to walk away to keep from crying in the store. It hurts, yall.  It hurts to be reminded that right now I would be near or in my 4th month, about to find out the gender of my baby.  Summer was supposed to be about a cute little belly in a bathing suit, feeling the tiny flutters for the first time, and finally getting that long awaited ultrasound appointment to know whether we would have a boy or girl.

It doesn’t affect me all the time because for the most part I am doing really well and know that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the emotions do hit at weird times.  I can see a pregnant lady at church and not be affected, but the next day I may be. The feelings of a miscarriage totally remind me adoption feelings. The emptiness at times. The sadness that the dreams you had won’t be lived out with you, but some where else, whether with new parents or in Heaven. And yet similarly, the grief cycle has been the same as well but at an accelerated rate either because my pregnancy was much shorter this time or because I’ve been through grief a million times before and know what to do: turn to God.

I am closer to God than ever right now and I’m thankful. My feet are on solid ground, but sometimes God just has to hold me up a little more.  And as I say a prayer for my babies to hear, to know they will always be in my heart, I’m reminded they are well taken care of (as is Kaylee) and one day…I will get to hold them and know who they are forever.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Like I said before, this past weekend was the first time in 2-3 years that I’ve had a sleep over visit with Kaylee’s family. As expected, it was a complete blast and a wonderful visit.  Savannah was so excited to see Kaylee, she talked about it for 2 weeks ahead of time. So, when we finally arrived to Kaylee’s graduation, I thought she would jump over the church pews to go see her.  Besides Savannah’s excitement, she did very well during the graduation ceremony and Kaylee was adorable in her little cap and gown!  And?  Who knew 4 year olds could learn every single book in the Bible by heart.  The Old Testament alone is 66 books and they spit them out like it was the ABCs! Amazing.

After graduation and dinner, Kaylee and Savannah played and played together for hours. It is so neat to see them now that they are both older and interact more.  Dress up is clearly a favorite of both girls and I helped them change a million times, especially for a trip to the “beach” where they both wore pink princess dresses and had rolling book bags and suitcases for their travels (and Savannah had an umbrella because it was apparently raining). It was adorable! I wish I had a picture.  However, you know how sleep overs go and there is little sleep involved. Who knew a 5 year old and 2 year old already know sleep over rules? After lots of frustration and some mean Mommy voice, I finally took Savannah to a dark quiet room where she immediately passed out on me around 10:30pm.  At 11pm Kaylee came in to sleep with us, and then the day started all over again at the lovely hour of 6:40am because Savannah was hungry.  I was exhausted, but watching those together two totally makes up for it.

Saturday was Kaylee’s birthday “get together,” where my Dad and family came to visit and pick up Savannah to babysit for the next two weeks. Let me tell you, it’s hard to watch your child drive away with some one else knowing you won’t see them for days! It was almost like telling Kaylee goodbye after her birth all over again. However, I have to say it was nice to just relax with Savannah gone and I was able to get some time to myself and one on one time with Kaylee and her parents.  Now that I’m home, it is VERY weird to be here in this quiet house with out her sweet voice. I’m constantly having to remind myself she isn’t here and not needing to do this or that (my brain is scheduled around hers!). It’s also so very nice to get things done! But, we sure do miss her.

Anyways, it was a great visit and I’m loving watching these two girls grow up and bond together. Kaylee even called Savannah her “Sissy” some times, I love how open our relationship is. Here are the silly girls in action, they already know how to do the silly girl photo poses as well. They grow so fast!

It seems like adoption has always been apart of my world, when I was a young child I had cousins and aunts adopted into our family so it was just a natural thing for me to grow up with. However, not until I became a birthmother at 16 did I truly take an interest and acquire a passion for adoption.  One thing I learned?  Dave Thomas, ya know the Wendy’s founder, was adopted as a child and later in his life set up an Adoption program for to help Foster Care children find forever homes.  But really, besides knowing that fact, I hadn’t given it much thought in how I could help.

But, this weekend we can all easily help these children find permanent homes with just a few clicks and a yummy treat. Father’s Day weekend is coming up very soon! And for the special Dad occasion on June 20th and June 21st Wendy’s will donate .50 cents for each frosty purchased to go toward the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.   And, for every Father’s Day Frosty card sent on their website they will donate .25 cents to the program.  How easy is that? Like I said, just a few clicks to send your favorite Dads a card and taking them out for a yummy Frosty treat not only to brightens their day and says thanks for all they do, but also helps these children.  It’s a win-win situation.

Thanks to Mom Central for sharing the information for this helpful cause!

I’ve been meaning to write, really I have. I’m still alive. Between going back to school, Savannah, packing for our trip, and in general trying not to over do it,” the blog has taken a back seat. But, I can’t lie that this past week has been not easy.  Though I was strong in my faith and had peace before, the emotions and hormones started to crash last Sunday.  That day I also physically started to feel worse and I cry when I don’t feel good, too so it was a double whamy!  But, I had wonderful family to take care of me and a husband who held me as a cried and I have just been taking one day at a time.

Also, yesterday Kaylee turned Five!  (Totally meant to have a Kaylee devoted post…) It boogles my mind that she’s five. Five is a big number for a kid. It’s a whole hand to count with. How is she big enough for that and going off to kindergarten in just a few months? How am I old enough to have a 5 year old? I will say though, it is so neat to watch her grow up, that she can talk on the phone with me now and tell me things she likes and about her day.  Yesterday I called her for her birthday and we chatted for a minute but then she asked to talk with Savannah. So they had a short chat as well about who knows what, but they were both so excited and it was adorable. I think that’s what I most look forward to is seeing how they grow together.  Every day I tell Savannah how many days it is until we see Kaylee and she always says, “YIPPEE!!!”

Her Mom told me that Kaylee wanted to wait to go to Build-a-Bear to go with “Miss Leah” instead of on her birthday.  Melt my heart. I like that’s she old enough to choose to want to be with me and love me/us :-)

Alright, time to pack up for our visit!

It’s June 1st.

Kaylee turns FIVE in 11 days.

How is that possible?  This is about the time things get harder for me emotionally as I remember and relive my last days being pregnant with her, her birth, and moving on.  So far I’m ok, probably because life keeps me now and, well, it gets easier each year.

But I can tell you this: I am super excited about our up coming visit. It seems the past 2 years we have narrowed our visits down to 2-3 (Christmas and Birthdays), simply because we are all so busy as our children get older. So, that means I haven’t seen Kaylee is 6 months.  And, it’s also been well before Savannah was born since we’ve had a sleep over visit. Kaylee’s first 2 years I would stay weekends or several days with them, some times even babysitting while they went to work.  It was awesome to be included in their house hold, get to take care of Kaylee and her brother, but also getting to know her parents more with late night chats after the kids were in bed.  I’ve missed them since it stopped happening about 3 years ago due to them moving away, Savannah being born, me growing up and getting married, etc.  We’ve been having short 2 hour visits the past 3 years filled with lots of other family and so I’ve also missed that one on one time we used to have.  Finally, I asked for what I wanted now that summer has let life wind down a little bit and we’ll get that time together near her birthday!

And what’s even cooler? Savannah is coming with me. So Kaylee, her brother, and Savannah will have lots of time to bond and play.  We talk about Kaylee all the time in our home so Savannah is looking forward to this almost as much as I am.

But still. How in the world is possible that Kaylee will be five? Time sure doesn’t stop.

So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.

This has been the longest week EVER.  2 more days until we know what’s going on in this womb of mine. I’m still feeling good physically (aside from nausea) and I’m hopeful for good things.  I’m choosing to be happy this weekend, for if I do find out bad news Monday, I will have enjoyed my last days before reality hits.

But until I know what’s going on, it’s made me so thankful for Savannah. I swear, it’s like she knows her momma needs support and lots of laughs because she has been pretty amazing this last week.  I’m loving this age!  She knows how to make us laugh with her silly faces and games. She’s got this new game where she talks to things, like our fingers or stuff animals or anything she wants.  But, my favorite thing she does is how she gets three stuff animals, three bottles, three anything and they suddenly are mommy, daddy, and baby. It’s adorable to watch her use her imagination now and we all have a role in it.

Happy Birthmother’s Day to my fellow birthmothers! And Happy Mother’s Day to my fellow Mommies (and birthmommies) tomorrow.  Like I said last year, I love having two days to celebrate my roles.