Its been really interesting hearing from other moms and their experience regarding my last post, mainly conversations that have taken place on my personal facebook page and on O Momma Writes. For some, its been truth for them as well, for others it hasn’t been the same for them. One commenter suggested maybe I just feel a different attachment because he is a boy. Could be! Maybe too it’s because he is still in my “niche” of baby/toddlerhood still and so its easier to connect with him. Still, I love all my kids and feel a bond to them, no matter how they were born, and whether they live with me or not (due to adoption and being in heaven!). Like I said, its just different with him for some reason.
I wanted to clarify why I wrote what I did, even if Savannah might be hurt one day reading/knowing this truth about our relationship at this point in her life. I have faith God will heal and change it though very soon, He is moving already.
When I write on my blog it usually is because I feel God leading me to write that particular post, whether it is something hard and real life such as this, or something small that happens in our life that is worth praising and keeping for memory. I feel God is working on me in this area and He prompted me to share this struggle, bring it to light, and also help other moms know they are not alone if they struggle with this, too.
As the Bible says, bringing sins to light is a good thing, though painful at times. It’s how God works to redeem and how Satan cannot have a hold on us any longer. It is with that blog post that I feel He was bringing these feelings to a large light, so that He could further heal our relationship. In writing it, it brought even more awareness to my feelings and actions and is making it easier to redirect how I parent her.
Mat 10:26-27 (NIV) “There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the housetops.”
Mark 4:22 (Jer) “For there is nothing hidden but it must be disclosed, nothing kept secret except to be brought to light.”
Prov 28:13 (NIV) He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
I agree that Savannah would be hurt if she read my feelings one day, but this is something that I would/will share with her as she grows and as God leads us there. One, to show her I am not perfect and I do not expect her to be either. Secondly, to show her the importance of birth naturally as God intended and made our bodies to do so. And most importantly to give glory to God for His healing and redeeming of our relationship that I know will come! I love Savannah to pieces, though I struggle with how to have a healthy relationship with a girl who is so much like me (it was the same way with my Mom growing up!) and our birth not being satisfying. She is the child that has made me a mom and as she grows I am growing and learning with her. It was through her birth that taught me that I desire a natural birth, and for that I am grateful to have learned. God uses her in so many ways to grow me spiritually, to point out my flaws, and this is just one example in how she is a tool in God’s hands.
Now, off to snuggle my both of my loves and feel this new life forming inside flutter around :-)