Being a young mommy and birthmother often dominate the discussion on this blog now-a-days and my daily life in general, however, that doesn’t mean I forget the two we lost this past May/June in early pregnancy. As the months have flown by (it’s already been 4 since the D&E), giving me not just time to distance myself but a heart that’s healing as well, the pain of miscarriage isn’t at the forfront anymore. After a while, you realize you have to move on. After a while there doesn’t seem to be a point to keep writing about the same heart ache and feelings of emptiness. I deal with it privately now, whether in the writing I do outside of this blog or simply in my dreams.
But, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day and I can’t help but bring up those feelings again, especially after visiting Breanna who is the at the point in pregnancy I should be right now. Granted, my heart has healed some, just as it has from my experience placing my daughter, but I can’t deny the fact that at times the emptiness is still there and the longing for those babies comes crashing in when least expected.
Today I’m not just remembering our twins, but remembering my friends, family, and people I’ve just heard about who have lost babies while pregnant or even when their child was just weeks old. My best friend, my neighbor, my online friend Hilary, sweet Coley from Birthmom Buds, mommy bloggers Firemom and Mandy Mom, Angie who blogs on Bring the Rain, just to name a few. My heart breaks for all of us, to not get to see our children grow, some times not to even know their genders or give them names.
Sending prayers to all you Mommies for comfort and peace, and sending prayers to above that all these children may know they are loved here on earth and we hope to hold them one day in Heaven.
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My daughter is now 5months, and when i first found out I was pregnant, they told me my pregnancy wasn’t developing. I had the yolk sack, but no baby was found. I had to come back a week later, scared to death that they would have to terminate what was there with the pregnancy. but she showed up, but she was just a little smaller then what she was suppose to be.
I had horrible morning sickness. I was still in school though, but I had to drop out of my cullinary arts vocational classes. I got placed in a pregnancy program 200miles away from my friends and family. Adoption crossed my mind alot. I was 16, I didn’t know what to do. how to be a mom. or how to keep up with my schooling.
Even the day before my daughter was born, i considered putting her up for adoption. Her dad wasn’t there throughout my pregnancy. He denied her being his, up until i was 8months pregnant. When I first found out i was pregnant he enlisted in the navy to “get away”. He was only 18 at the time, he was scared of what would happen, what people would think. He regreted enlisting when they denied his leave for him to make it to the birth of our daughter. I too was scared. I had a c-section, and our daughter was born May 4th. I cried when I finally saw her. And I regretted thinking of ever giving her up. The first thing I said when I saw her was “I love her”.
In August, my mom signed for Eric(my daughters dad) and I to get married. Its so hard. And with him away I feel like a single mom. I mean, he helps out ALOT, and when all three of us are together he is the best dad that he can be.
So now, I am 17, I’m taking care of our daughter 24/7. I’m back in school, finishing up my senior year. I’m at an adult highschool, so I don’t get to have prom, or homecoming. And I see my husband whenever he gets leave. I plan to move up to Washington with him in december.
My prayers go out to you. May God bless you with a little angel.
By victoria oliver on 10.16.09 1:47 pm | Permalink
Thank you for sharing something so tender so other Mommies know they are not alone.
By MooBeeMa on 10.22.09 1:31 pm | Permalink
I just saw this post but ty for thinking of me and Darcy on this day. When I lit my candle that night, I thought of you and your babies along with many others as well. Hugs!
By Coley on 12.02.09 3:08 am | Permalink
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