Adoption Comments

October 7, 2009 | Filed in: Adoption, Drama, Issues, Kaylee

I haven’t even logged in to this blog in over a week, simply because life is crazy right now with the middle of the semester already here (hurrah for flying by!), which means midterms and papers and presentations are constantly weighing on me right now. Not to mention including life with a two year old, play dates to go on, trips to see family, and my trip to see Bre in two days! Life is busy, but quite good.

But, in logging in to make a quick update I was shocked. Stunned. I had 17 waiting comments, all making remarks about adoption on the 16 and Pregnant Update (click there to read the comments). I will tell you, I did approve them all because I accept and respect that everyone has a different opinion. I also believe that all those opinions and perspectives should be heard. But, just as a reminder, please be respectful of my (and Bre’s) positive view as well. We did what we thought was best at that time in life for our children and we stand by that decision.

I do though feel the need to specifically address this comment from “Lazy Susan” regarding my post about Surviving Adoption.

“Well, as long as YOU survived! How selfish to only think of yourself–what about your child?”

Have you read anything about my adoption story? If you have, you would see that the choice of adoption was not a selfish one in the least. I wanted to parent her, I wanted to be her mommy, but I knew in the dept of my heart that she deserved a better life than I could offer at 16 years old. So, I actually find my choice to be one of the most unselfish things I’ve ever done in my life because I put her quality of life priority over my desires to be a mother. And, I can tell you nearly five and half years later, my daughter is “surviving” as well, if you must call it that. She is where she meant to be, she is thriving, very loved, and knows who we are as her biological family as well. I’m here to fill in the pieces of her life puzzle as she grows, I see it as having the best of both worlds. And yes, I did “survive” the heartache of the choice and I feel like I have the right to toot my own horn about it. I’m proud to be a birthmother.

Like I said before, I know everyone is going to have a different opinion and perspective and that’s ok. But, I also have the right to share mine as well. The simple fact is this: Adoption is positive for us. It works for us. You have your views, I have mine. That’s ok.

(Just do it respectfully, please!)

10 Comments so far
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Leah, I have known you since Kaylee was born. I am a proud birthmother in an open adoption, too. I know the kind of pain that you experienced. Placing a child is a hard decision but I know how rewarding it has been for your whole family. I recognize that not every adoption is like yours. Some people are jaded with the whole process and don’t believe in adoption. People who believe that should also recognize that not everyone’s experience is the same. Anyone who is in the adoption world (positively or negatively) should realize that everyone’s story is different. I express my positive adoption experience without telling people that adoption is wonderful for everyone. It does no one good to attack others’ beliefs…
Good Luck, Leah! You are a wonderful mother!!!!
Angie

Wow..reading that comment from Lazy Susan made me pretty mad. I’m having to bite my proverbial tongue right now because I’m wanting to say some things I might regret later.

But seriously, someone who CAN’T see the positive in an adoption just shows how ignorant they really are. Kaylee is blessed to have a birthmom like you! Don’t let these negative Nancy’s get you down… :)

Leah, very well stated and bravo for you allowing all the comments to go through. It would have been just as easy to delete. There were some valid points that were shared as I told Cyndi. In the end, every individual makes choices in life that affects others. There aren’t many who have dealt with open adoption and so it can be very misunderstood in even the simplest terms. There are valid points on every side and I will stand by that until the day I die.

We are lucky enough to live in a society that allows for freedom of speech AND gives us the ability to make decisions on our own. When afforded the oportunity to become fully educated, the hope is that we will make a decision that is best for everyone involved.

Experiencing an unplanned pregnancy is difficult any way you look at it and those experiencing one are forever impacted by the decision that they made. There are feelings of loss with every option that one is faced with.

We can not take away anyone else’s feelings. To have our own individual feelings is also our right.

I enourage you to think about the fact that we are all entitled to our own feelings and our own opinions. Just because you think one way doesn’t mean that your way is the only way.

I’ve not placed a child for adoption, nor terminated a pregnancy. I can not claim to know exactly what a person feels that has. What I do know is that in all of my years of working with women facing unplanned pregnancies, I have never met a birthmother that just “gave” her baby away. I’ve never met a woman that terminated a pregnacy that didn’t have a moment in time where she felt a pang of regret. I’ve never met a mother who has been able to say that parenting was easy. I’ve never met an adoptee that doesn’t wonder about birthparents.

There is no easy choice when faced with making a decision like this. You do what you feel is best at the time you are making the decision.

I have a huge amount of respect for any woman that has made an adoption plan. I also have a huge amount of respect for women that make the decision to parent. And I am very thankful that I was never in a position of having to make a choice on termination. I don’t envy any of those positions, but I respect the fact that you each made a choice that you felt was best for you.

Leah, I commend you on keeping all of the comments posted. I commend you on the decision that you made. I also commend you on the woman that you are today and all that you bring to other people.

If people only knew how adoption is such a positive thing! I myself am a birthmother, and an adoptee! I know for a fact that I made the best decision for my children, and you know how I know?…… because the smile on their faces whenever I see them, and how much they tell me they LOVE me when they see me or talk to me on the phone. To be able to give a child a chance at a better life is the best feeling ever even though it was hard for myself after having my children in my stomach for 9 months and then trying to raise them best I could, I still knew that i would be able to give them all the love in the world, but couldn’t provide for them financially, and i wanted them to have a stable family with a mother and a father, and i couldn’t provide that to them either. My children deserved a fighting chance to have what I had growing which is a loving and stable home, which is also what every child deserves! I will never regreat the decision i made for my children, because my children are happy and taken care of and my heart is at peace with the decision. God has been with me every step of the way, and even though everyone has a right to their own opinion, just know that your opinion doesnt matter to me when it comes to what you think of Leah’s or my decision or any birthmothers decision to place their child for adoption.

Leah, I applaud you for your courageous decision to put your daughter up for adoption. As an adoptee myself, I am so thankful and blessed that my birthmother thought about me and giving me a better life before what she wanted. It’s birthmothers like you that make adoptees like me proud!

And to “Lazy Susan”.. she seems like she needs some manners and some glasses, cause apparently she can’t read. You talk about your adoption experience so openly and frequently and she had the nerve to say that to you.. some people are so ignorant.

God Bless you and your beautiful family!

I guess it is in some peoples’ best interests to believe that adoption is nothing but a positive thing because it would be way too painful to consider that maybe your decision wasn’t entirely for the best. I am an adoptee, my adoptive family are perfectly nice and I was raised in a lovely house and blah, blah, blah. The simple fact is that children do not need things, they need love. If you do not feel you can love your child then adoption might be an option but they really do not care if you have money or not. The idea that financial stability and having two parents is that important to a child is a myth perpetuated by an industry that makes money from separating babies from mothers and handing them to couples in return for a wad of cash. Amanda, I seriously believe that your children smile and tell you they love you because they do love you, because you are their mother, and definitely not because you gave them up for adoption. And Sara, someone who CAN’T see the negatives in adoption has their rose coloured glasses on or simply doesn’t want to face the truth.

Leah, I love you and support you. You’re an amazing woman and mother and have incredible strength. God led you to the right decision for YOU. Don’t let any of these negative people get to you.

It’s sad that some people out there were hurt by adoption. Not every situation is perfect. However, there are many biological families that have just as much pain if not more. No, adoption is always in every single case the best choice. But sometimes it IS the best choice. And again, I know plenty of adoptees that are happy well adjusted (and not bitter) adults so no, adoption doesn’t destroy every child.

I don’t mind the difference of opinions here it’s just the rude way that some of them were expressed that I didn’t appreciate. People have no right to belittle anyone else it’s not constructive and really doesn’t help any on of us.

Being a birth mother myself I live with enough regret of my own without having other people throw dirt in my face. I don’t think anyone should judge anyone else’s situation because really none of us will ever really know what it’s like to be in one another shoes.

I just wanted to say good for you the way you handled all the comments. The adoption processes is hard on everyone but as an adopted kid, I don’t have that pain, just pure happiness that I got so lucky to have the amazing mom I have and family. If it was for her adopting me, I wouldn’t have met my husband or have my kids. Ok yea maybe once or twice I wished some millionaire or movie star adopted me!!!

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