16 and Pregnant Update

September 27, 2009 | Filed in: Adoption

Remember Catelynn and Tyler from 16 and Pregnant and how I loved the portrayal of their open adoption? They’re back! I noticed an article in October’s People Magzine, titled “17 and Coping.” The article continues to be positive and they stress how hard of a decision adoption is, how bittersweet it is, but yet they still know they did the right thing. I liked that Catylnn said about their filming of 16 and Pregnant, “We put it out there that adoption’s not a bad thing. I’m really glad [we did it].” Amen. That’s what I love about these two.

I thought it was neat that we’re able to follow up with them again (aside from the Life After Labor finale)! There is an interview with the couple online at People, but the full article is on stands in the October issue (with Katherine Heigl and her newly adopted baby as well). It’s worth a read!

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Ya, the thing is: Nobody has asked the baby how he feels about being “given away” by his parents to strangers. That’s what it IS and that’s what it FEELS LIKE.

The adoptee has NO VOICE now and if the pro-adoption movement has it’s way, he wont have a voice when he’s an adult either. (You see, adoptees are treated like second-class citizens in this country and IT SUCKS.) Original birth certificates are sealed and altered “birth certificates” with the adoptive parents listed as the biological parents issed, no rights to divorce the adoptive parents and severe the legal agreement that was made ALL ABOUT THEM, etc., etc. Adoptees are stuck in FOREVER FAMILIES that they NEVER asked to be in. Many adoptees have NO ACCESS TO FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORIES. As for making a family tree and doing genealogy? Sealed birth records don’t allow adoptees to find family and so they aren’t allowed to trace family history or even know their own ethnicities.

Ya, adoption is great. NOT!!!

Not to say some of Mara’s complaints about how things are locked down aren’t valid, but I’d also like to point out that children who stay in their biological family didn’t ask to be in that family either. There are good things and bad things to a biological family and an adoptive family. Just like everything else in the world has pros and cons, adoption does too.

What bothers me (well, one of many things that bother me ..) is that “open adoption” is not legally enforceable. Adoptive parents can close it on a whim and the mother can’t do anything about it. If you are going to be marketing adoption to vulnerable teenagers they should really get ALL the facts.

I had a very different reaction when I read the People article (and watched the TV show). I got the distinct impression that they would have wanted to be parents “if things had been different.” I understood that to mean: if they had more money, more support, were older. But there are plenty of young parents in the world who are doing what needs to be done in order to parent their own children.

The idea that “they (adoptive couple) could give Carly more than we ever could” speaks volumes to me about what they were told it takes to raise a baby, i.e. materially.

While love is not “all you need”, I believe these two, very mature and grounded teenagers would have made excellent parents, if they were made aware of the resources available to them (which from what I gathered from the show, they were not).

I cringed at the gratitude Catelynn seems to feel towards the adoptive parents for “being great” and how pleased she was that she was able to give them “such a gift.” I am always wary when expectant parents get their “reassurances that they are doing the right thing” from adoption agencies, PAP’s and so-called birth parent counsellers… all who have a vested interest in expectant mom’s getting comfy with relinquishing their children for adoption.

I think they would have benefitted more from meeting with other young moms or couples who were raising their children and what options were available to them to perhaps get out of their current circumstances (with their less than stable parents) which would make them more aimable to raising their child.

I am a PAP so I am not spitting on adoption in general. It just makes me cringe when I see an adoption happen that may not have been necessary.

I would be very interested in a 5-year follow-up to see if Catelynn still feels the same and if the AP’s kept their promises regarding their semi-open adoption.

The difference is that in a biological family there are perks that can help counter any negatives. Adoptees get none of that as well. There is no genentic mirroring and often very little open dialouge about honest adoptee feelings, most of the time there is little contact with the natural family and even less opportunity for an adoptee to ask difficult questions openly. Any adoptive parents who thinks their child is 100% candid is kidding themselves. Adoptees live a life of eternal servitude, we are always on top of the emotions of others and constantly worry about what our parents, natural and adoptive, are thinking and feeling. It is a very hard life to feel the weight of adults on your tiny shoulders.

Without being too harsh, unless you are adopted you have no way to know the intricate web of emotions we deal with and speculation does nothing but press the adoption myths our society so dearly loves.

Bre..this could just be a guess, but you grew up with your natural family, right? Otherwise you’d see just how offensive your comment was.

Biological children don’t “stay” with their natural family..they just belong to that family. Adoptive children don’t “belong” with their adoptive family..they just have no other choice but to stay.

I don’t find that comparison valid at all. I mean, I’d like to point out to any amputees reading this that I didn’t ask to be born with four whole limbs, and that those limbs have their pros and cons, just like having stumps.

Kinda insensitive innit?

Bre, you are wrong. Biological children are where they belong, with their families. They are not being raised by strangers. If they don’t get along with their family and choose to cut off contact they still have their medical history, true identity and genealogy. Adoptees are treated like forever children who are not trusted with the information that is rightfully theirs.

Bre, in all due respect, I think you are missing the point.

Adoption comes at a huge loss for the adopted child. No matter how awesome the adoptive parents are, there had to be that loss for the adoption to happen. Every single time that parents surrender their children due to poverty, circumstance, youth, abuse, neglect, or whatever reason, it is a tragedy and should be recognized as such. It is sad when parents are not able to care for their children and have to surrender them.

It is even sadder to me when parents do have the support and resources to parent their children like the couple on “Sixteen and Pregnant” did and still choose to break up their family.

As an adoptee, I would be devastated to see my parents have support and the means to care for me only to make the decision that I am better off with others.

Well of course Catelynn and Tyler have a positive attitude – their story would not have been told to the general adoption-happy public if they felt they had been coerced. I’d like to see what happens if/when their child’s adoptive family closes the adoption – since it’s not legally enforceable in most states.

I would have preferred an open adoption (if I had to have one at all), but in the 1950s in New York it didn’t exist. Even now I can’t get access to my OWN records because some 16 year old facing an unintended pregnancy might abort her fetus if the state gave me my original birth certificate. Is the RTL movement so ignorant of WHY open adoptions are so prevalent now? BTW – My first mom was wondering why it took me so long to find her.

“I’d also like to point out that children who stay in their biological family didn’t ask to be in that family either.”

You are absolutely right. However, nature designs the biological family to remain together. It is the basic building block that forms the foundation as a family.

I don’t mean an adoptive family is “less than.” I don’t mean that blood conquers all. But it does factor into family designed by nature, and that is the difference between a biological family and an adoptive family.

They’re not “less than” or “better” than the other. Just different. While families don’t need to emphasize their differences (shouldn’t), it’s important to recognize it and acknowledge it.

Because paperwork and pregnancy are not the same thing.

Bre, while it is true that everything has pros and cons and people don’t ask to become part of their biological family, people raised by their natural families do not have to deal with being abandoned by their natural parents. Call it an act of love, unselfish, say the child is chosen by their adoptive family, whatever, it doesn’t change how an adopted child feels deep down and that is abandoned. Also, as much as biological children might not like their parents or family, at least they share the same genetic characteristics, inside and out, making it easier for them to relate to at least someone in their family. We are born into a family for a reason – transplanting a child into another family is problematic and it would be nice if the world at large would realise and acknowledge that fact.

I agree 100% with Mara. It really chaps me when I read about adoption “being for the best”. Oh really? Let’s see what the adoptee has to say about that in 20 years.

Bre your comment is all wet. Adoptees didn’t ask to be born into their families either. Adoptees have an extra burden that non-adoptees do not have.

That’s great Bre, except when you are in your own family you don’t grow up wondering what might have been, because you are where you are meant to be.

Lets all celebrate another succesfull open adoption hey? I wonder how this child (catlyn) will feel about giving away her first born child in another 10 to 20 yrs? How will her child feel? We don’t know, but of course it’s all wonderful now, (if you got the child you couldn’t have yourself).

Open adoption is a deceptive, coersive means of separating children from their mothers.

http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/on-a-little-island-in-the-pacific-n-adoption-blog-the-life-and-words-of-a-natural-mother

Leah,

I do hope you decide to let the other comment(s) through…but if you don’t, please just know that there are many adoptees out there that haven been hurt by the “gift” of adoption.

I’m sure that you’re not looking at it that way..that you gave your daughter a better life. And that’s okay…but there are those of us that disagree. And that should be okay too.

Mara,
It sounds like you have a lot of anger, and that anger is valid. However, a lot of the problems you present in your comment are adjusted for in open adoption, like in this particular case. In an open adoption, people have access to their birth families, and their birth mother has an original copy of the birth certificate that is sealed. An openly adopted child has medical history, and direct access to their heritage.

“We put it out there that adoption’s not a bad thing. I’m really glad [we did it].” What kind of mindset would be “happy” not to be with their own child. Adoption might not be a bad thing for an irresponsible set of parents who don’t want to grow up and take care of their kid. It might not be a bad thing for an infertile couple being given someone else’s child. What about the kid who has to deal with the fact that his/her parents didn’t want them bad enough to make it work. When are we all going to put the rights and feelings of the children first? If more of us actually did that then there would be less kids placed into adoptive homes when they could of actually lived likley happy lives with their real families.

It always bothers me when people say “You were so brave” or “you were so selfless” when speaking about the child I put up for adoption. Parenting takes courage, giving your child to other people to do your job for you is selfish.

I put my child up for adoption because I was too damn scared to give parenting a shot myself. I gave her away because I wasn’t ready to take responsibility for my actions. The life long effects she could have from my decision makes me ill. If I would of thought about her actual feelings more (Trust me the whole “She’s better off with them” pitch isn’t going to cut it with our placed children. Especially if we didn’t even give taking care of them a shot) then I wouldn’t of made that decision. I was young, and had growing up to do but really that wasn’t WHY I didn’t do it. I didn’t parent my own child because I was too scared, changing my life scared me, growing up scared me and thinking that maybe just maybe I’d be a bad parent scared me. So I passed the buck. Most birth parents refusse to admit these things.

I got to “live my life” they got “the child they could never have” and she got handed off to a family that isn’t really hers because I wasn’t ready to step up and be her mom.

Birth parents who pat themselves on the back for handing off their responsibility make me really sick. Fine we got to “grow up and mature” yada yada but the children we left behind are left with hurt and anger because we didn’t do our job as their parents.

Open adoption is for us not for the children. How many birth parents here can say with confidence that our placed children have made the decision to have visits with us? They are so young, they don’t know. Our visits are forced on them just like the adoption was. They have no choice. We have open adoptions so we can feel better with ourselves at night, seeing our children “happy”

Open records, pictures, visits emails, none of that BS changes anything. Imagine how it feels to be that adopted child and know that you have a sibling that your mom decided to keep just a short time later? Or being an adoptd child who has to wonder for their entire lives what could of been. Imagine the hurt anger and pain thinking you weren’t wanted. I can’t even bring my mind to that place.

We failed our children by not atleast attempting to be with them and no amount of candy coating changes that fact.

Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable and many times the adoptive parents cut off contact with the birth parents out of selfishness.

Birth records are STILL sealed and altered in open adoptions, don’t kid yourself.

Also, closed adoption is perpetual. My kids, my grandkids, my great grandkids, and on and on and on have THEIR biological information SEALED AND CLOSED too.

Open adoption is just another “selling” point to get young, scared mothers to give up their babies.

One thing that I see missing here is the point that adoption is an option for women looking for something other than abortion. How many young women would have choose to terminate their pregnancy if adoption wasn’t an option for them. Several of you have talked about being selfish. If you are not ready/capable to parent (for what ever reason), then how much more selfish is denying that child a right to life because you don’t believe that you can be responsible enough to care for them. Each person makes the choice that is best for them and everyone has different opinions of what that is. Attacking others for their opinion isn’t a solution. Adoption law needs to be reformed, for everyone involved. However, that doesn’t happen on a blog. Change must start at the top and contacting your representative about this is where to start.

Someone made a comment about children not needing monetary things. And while that is true to some extent, there are basic needs (food, clothing, health care, shelter) that many teenagers cannot provide. Without an education, jobs that pay enough to live on are few and far between. With government assistance they can provide for some of these, but it usually isn’t enough. I have known many women living with their children on government assistance and it was a miserable life for them. It doesn’t encourage healthy families and those children grow up with a different set of problems. But I bet that asking them, they would have preferred a different life if given a choice.

Cyndi, Your point is part of went into my “logic.” It’s the system itself that creates most of the problem – whether that be by not giving birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees information or whether it be the fact that assistance cannot always be gained or if it is, it’s not enough to support the family. There are drastic changes that need to be made and that’s where the energies should go. Very well stated!

Dear Cyndi and Bre–

Change needs to come with legislation? Well, MONEY talks. The adoption “industry” has well-paid lobbyists (with your help) that keep any reform for open records far from our legislator’s minds.

YOUR MONEY that you paid to adopt along with TAX PAYER MONEY (Federal) goes to the industry and it’s baby pimping machine.

Change will occur only when the money stops flowing.

Only money matters to those controlling the trafficking of humans. An adoptee’s civil rights get thrown out the window. A commodity exchanged, a title issued, a human being’s identity erased.

We are lucky enough to live in a society that allows for freedom of speech AND gives us the ability to make decisions on our own. When afforded the oportunity to become fully educated, the hope is that we will make a decision that is best for everyone involved.

Experiencing an unplanned pregnancy is difficult any way you look at it and those experiencing one are forever impacted by the decision that they made. There are feelings of loss with every option that one is faced with.

We can not take away anyone else’s feelings. To have our own individual feelings is also our right.

I enourage you to think about the fact that we are all entitled to our own feelings and our own opinions. Just because you think one way doesn’t mean that your way is the only way.

I’ve not placed a child for adoption, nor terminated a pregnancy. I can not claim to know exactly what a person feels that has. What I do know is that in all of my years of working with women facing unplanned pregnancies, I have never met a birthmother that just “gave” her baby away. I’ve never met a woman that terminated a pregnacy that didn’t have a moment in time where she felt a pang of regret. I’ve never met a mother who has been able to say that parenting was easy. I’ve never met an adoptee that doesn’t wonder about birthparents.

There is no easy choice when faced with making a decision like this. You do what you feel is best at the time you are making the decision.

I have a huge amount of respect for any woman that has made an adoption plan. I also have a huge amount of respect for women that make the decision to parent. And I am very thankful that I was never in a position of having to make a choice on termination. I don’t envy any of those positions, but I respect the fact that you each made a choice that you felt was best for you.

Leah, I commend you on keeping all of the comments posted. I commend you on the decision that you made. I also commend you on the woman that you are today and all that you bring to other people.

Leah, I think you are a strong person for what you gave up. I do not think Kaylee will suffer for what you did, you did what you felt best, only you know why you gave her up. If you gave her up to live a better life for you, so that you could be happy, go to school, etc, then that is between you and God. Yes Kaylee will be confused angry hurt and probably resent you at least once in her life, but no offense she is with the perfect family for her. You werent meant to have her, they were. In realty she isnt yours, so she is with her natural family, that is her mother, the one who adopted her, who stays up all night with her, her MOM is the woman who wipes her tears, patches her boo-boos. The only negative comment Id have to say to you Leah is when you got pregnant again, with twins and you lost the first one, you acted like it didnt matter, your words were something like, well we dont need two. I have seen soo many women cry over lost babies, and it is a BIG deal. Just realize that you arent perfect, nor are we. And fyi, you have a daughter, spend more time with her, less on here worrying about what people say.

I commend what Cyndi said about abortion. At least Kaylee got to LIVE. However, Leah you were not poor or helpless, your only excuse was being young, which I’m sorry but is not exactly an excuse. You have a big family from what I can tell. It all comes down to a choice. That was yours but dont down those who dont agree!! And I agree with Katherine, you spend ALOT of time on the computer. Just cherish what you have, put down the mouse and pick up your daughter.

Wow. All I can say is wow.

Obviously, as an adoptive mom (ie. the “evil one”) I don’t share some of the viewpoints that have been voiced on this blog. And although my daughter wasn’t born to me, I do feel in my heart that God played a huge part in placing her in the family where she was meant to be. She is extremely loved, and oh by the way, HER records are NOT sealed. Our adoption was supposed to be open . . . the only change was on the part of her BIRTHMOM, not us.

Yes, I’m sure she will have some issues that may be unique since she is an adoptee. However, I would also imagine she would have had issues being raised by a drug user, or a sexual predator, or even someone who didn’t give a hoot about her welfare. Oh wait, that’s right, she would have been put into foster care instead. Yeah that would have been SO much better for her. She would be unloved but she would at least know her genetic background, right?

I am not trying to minimize the pain some of you are feeling. But lets not be niave and say every single adoption plan out there is horrible and tragic. There actually are some well adjusted adoptees . . . and yes, I can say this with certainty since I personally know some.

Leah and Bre, I know you both well. You are not irrational, immature, selfish women. Please don’t let these insensitive comments burden you one bit.

I pray that those who seem so angry and hurt will find comfort and peace.

One comment to Katherine since your email didn’t work:

Katherine,

Thanks for your comment and opinion.

However, I think you have misunderstood many things about me. One being I
absolutely do not think I am perfect, and I sure hope that’s not the message
people see when they read this blog. Secondly, I honestly don’t understand
what my miscarriage has anything to do about this discussion of adoption. My
miscarriage was a BIG deal to me, I shed many tears and had heartache over
both of my babies. And yes, at that those moments of shock after that first
ultrasound, that’s how we dealt with the loss, by distancing ourselves.
That’s what my blog is about: being candid. I’m a real woman, I have my
flaws and one of my blog purposes is to show that real women and real moms
have flaws in trying to balance life. You’re right, I am not perfect but
attacking me and how I have dealt with issues in my life or how I raise my
child does either of us absolutely no good.

Actually, in many states, adoption contracts, including open adoption contracts ARE legally binding documents now. I know in New York State anyway, that this has been true since 2006.

Guess what?! Leah has been one of my absolute best friends for four years now! And guess what?! I’m ADOPTED. No, I don’t always love it and reunion is a hard, hard path. If you read my blog, you’ll know that. But the problems that I have with MY adoption…I take up with MY birthmother…because her decision was between me, herself and God…NOT the rest of the world.
The people here who are leaving negative thoughts on this blog obviously don’t know Leah in real life. If you did, you’d know that Kaylee’s pictures are plastered all over her house and her parent’s house. You’d know how much Leah treasures the time she spends with Kaylee. You’d know that she does all she can to be a part of her child’s life. You’d see pictures of Leah at 16…after just having Kaylee…with probably the most drained eyes I have ever seen on a girl…tired and weary from making such a DIFFICULT decision.
I have yet to find complete peace in my own adoption situation. I’ll be the first one to admit that. There are a lot of things I still struggle with, but I have NEVER taken my pain out on Leah, because what she did for Kaylee was SELFLESS. I’m sorry that some of you have had bad experiences with adoption. I’m sorry that I have too. But that does not give any of us the right to come on here and bash her for the decision that she made!
Leah is there for Kaylee. She’s made herself available to answer questions and provide a framework for Kaylee to build upon. Will Kaylee ever feel abandoned, rejected or unwanted? Who knows?! None of us know that, but Leah only has to answer to one person and that is her daughter.
If you REALLY have a problem with adoption, then take it up with legislators. DO something. Volunteer at a pregnancy center so that Mom’s who want to parent have the resources to do so. Sitting around whining on somebody’s blog is fruitless to change anything. Words are just words until they’re acted upon.
And remember…just because adoption isn’t right for one person…doesn’t mean it can’t be right for another. Leah has found peace in her decision. She’s SO grounded in what she’s done…choosing what is best over what is good for her daughter. Nothing that you say to her is going to make her second guess her decision. By being disrespectful and rude, you’re only making YOURSELF look bad.

Susie: You seem a little too concerned with that Leah does with her free time “Just cherish what you have, put down the mouse and pick up your daughter.” WTF Is wrong with you? Just because you are sitting behind a computer does not give you the right to speak ignorantly to whom ever you please. You are entitled to your opinion but being a cyber bully is pathetic. Really.

Leah, sorry about that last post, I obviously dont know what I am doing! I never get on Facebook but for whatever reason I got on last night and saw your post, so I followed your link to here. OK! Don’t worry about ignorant idiots who are clueless to you and your life. I know you are a Godly amazing woman, who inspires me. And BTW, anyone who knows “how much time you are on the computer” obviously is stalking you and spending too much time reading about you, OMG they have a computer apparently, what a bad person they must be! I know this is none of my business but you arent going to attack the most beautiful little girl because you are just a sad person. What Leah did for Kaylee is Leah, Kaylee and her family’s business. What they little girl will “experience” is love from maybe an unconventional but huge loving family. We ALL get hurt by our families!!! We all feel left out, unloved, sometimes, its called Life, it happens to all of us believe it or not.

Love You Mark Leah and Savannah

It isn’t always easy for the person adopted, but then again, it isn’t easy for those of us living with our “genetic” family. Knowing our “genetics” is something, but it isn’t everything. I have worked with children in an elementary school for a number of years and I have known several who have been assaulted physically by their fathers, brothers or uncles. I see children come into the classroom trying to hide belt marks, burns or broken bones. The fear in their eyes, that someone may figure it out and they will be hurt worse. Their “genetic” family is hurting them. Many of these children are the product of young parents. Young people who just don’t know what they are doing. NOT all young parents fall into this category, but a lot do. It is an unfortunate fact of life. Most of these families are living below the poverty level with little chance that life will improve for them. The hunger, lack of clothes and supplies is devastating to see. I have spent much of my own money to provide for these children. When a little girl comes up to you embarrassed and crying that she doesn’t have even the most basic needs, such as underwear, it changes the way you look at life – forever.

My sister for example was adopted because her mother died suddenly at 23 and she and her other 2 sisters couldn’t be taken care of by her father (who was being investigated in the mother’s death). Because of issues on his part, he chose to have them placed in other families (for numerous reasons). While her father ultimately was not proven to have killed her mother, a couple of years after the girls were adopted, he was arrested for horrendous assault and was in prison for a number of years. She was neglected by her birth parents from birth to 16 months old and has lasting developmental issues due to this neglect. Staying with her “genetic” family was hurting her. Being adopted gave her a chance and got her the help she needed – that she would never have had otherwise.

My nephews were born in 3rd world countries where they would have been placed in orphanages to slowly deteriorate and possibly die. They are flourishing with their “non-genetic” family here because two wonderful people had enough love to give and choose to adopt them. Do they question it sometimes . . . yes, but they don’t regret it – ever.

These are just two examples, but please realize that adoptions is some children’s only hope.

Also, having a large/supportive family doesn’t necessarily mean that a teen should parent. They may have more monetary options, but money doesn’t make a parent. Being a parent means making the hard decisions, for the good of the child. Adoption is one of those tough parenting choices and it hurts. Grandparents are losing a grandchild, a parent is losing a child and a child is losing a parent. But if a good placement is made, that child ends up better off and the birth family learns to cope. The pain and loss is always there, but it is for the good of that child and the sacrifice is made.

I am so sorry for all of the people out there who were adopted and feel like they are less somehow because of it. I am sorry also for those who placed in adoptions and have been hurt by it. Every adoption isn’t perfect and every “genetic” family isn’t perfect. But it is our job in life to do the best we can with what we have.

Leah, thanks for posting this about 16 & Pregnant. I find stories like theirs and yours inspirational. Don’t let all the haters get you down!

Someone mentioned you should put down the mouse and pick up your daughter… and while those priorities are in place, I think it’s a bit judgmental as to your abilities as a mother. I don’t see why you can’t be a full time momma and a blogger, and I see it as sexism that even women carry over, attacking those who step outside the domestic sphere. All parents (moms and dads) have to take some balance of work life, social life, and parenting into consideration, but I doubt that any of us can see into your home. We see you when you’re blogging, and that’s prettymuch it- and considering this isn’t a daily update, and your tendency to take breaks to spend time with your family, I wouldn’t worry about it.

That sort of scolding just kind of peeves me.

As an adoptee I can’t begin to THANK my adoptive parents enough. I’m SOO lucky that my biological family didn’t raise me. Had I stayed with them my biological mom would not be where she is today and neither would I. My biolgical mom now has a whole different family with two more children that she had in her 20. Yes, adoption can be a WONDERFUL thing to those who can not bear children. They go through so much pain and heartbreak trying to conceive that a child is truly a gift for them. Yes, people have resources(from the government) to raise their children, but wouldn’t you want a better life for your child?? That is TRULY selfless.

I think that if they weren’t in the right position to take care of a child they should not have been sexually active. They should have taken responsibility for their actions instead of giving her away.

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