So, it turned out to be not the miracle we hoped for.  The ultrasound showed no heart beat, still one baby and two sacs, but still only measuring about 6.5 weeks (which is very little growth).

Strangely, I’m really ok.  Yes, my heart is saddened, but I think the fact that I knew this might happen and how much trust I have in God right now that He has a plan, I’m ok.  These babies needed to go to heaven before even making it to the real world, and that’s ok.

And honestly, I was worried about how I would manage to finish school with another baby, possibly two, and how we could afford that AND a new house AND a new car for me.  I truly believe that today God’s miracle was not to save these babies lives, but to help protect Mark and I from future hardship.  I hope I don’t sound selfish in saying this, because of course we would and do love these babies no matter the timing, but I feel peace and relieved that this waiting is over, and we can go back to our original plans to save money and get settled first.

I keep thinking about today’s news compared to Kaylee’s adoption, and that helps put things in perspective to me and how God works sometimes.  While yes, it was hard to go through the emotions of adoption (and still is some times) I always had a peace about it because I knew without a doubt that is what was best for us. Kaylee was able to have a wonderful life and a 2 parent family, while I was able to move on in life to do things like finish school that would have been hard to do otherwise.  It seems to me it’s the same case this time, these babies are in Heaven with a wonderful Father looking out for them, while I get to (again) finish school and move on in life.  I’m ok with that. God is good, all the time.

Still, I know I will grieve this loss.  We decided that we will wait to have a natural miscarriage instead of going with a medical procedure to end the pregnancy. I’d much rather experience that in the privacy of my home, be able to say goodbye myself, and have a little memorial type thing with our family.  Yes, I know the baby did develop is like, the size of bean, but it still was a baby to my heart and mind. It had a heartbeat. I nourished it within my body, it deserves not to just thrown away in a hospital or flushed down the toilet. (sorry, that’s graphic…). Plus, like I’ve said before, I’m turning into a crunchy little mom and I don’t want intervention unless I need it.  I’ll trust my body.

Anyways, thanks again for all the prayers. I can’t promise I will this “okay” tomorrow, but right now I’m still nesseled in my God’s arms and assured God plans things for the best.